


Any Other Time

by VillageVoice



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cure, F/F, Family, Flashback, Hurt, Illness, Longing, Love, Non-Clone, Traveling, cophine - Freeform, slight AU, soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2018-11-22 21:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 189,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11388387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VillageVoice/pseuds/VillageVoice
Summary: Non-clone AU. Cosima, after going through a nasty break-up and an aggressive auto immune disease, decides to take a “sabbatical”





	1. Happy Coincidence

**Author's Note:**

> Doing a sort of weird sort of format here. The story begins kind of in the middle and then there will be flashbacks building up to it. Not sure how many chapters this will end up being. It was only suppose to be about 24, but that is now approximately 36. Currently on chapter 22. I wanted to have a good chunk of this done before I started posting as I have a bad habit of not finishing my longer fics...and it's been YEARS since I've really been writing, but I tried to make it good. Hope you like it :)  
> There will be some explicit sex scenes so if those aren't your thing I'll try to put a warning up. This chapter doesn't exactly have a sex scene, but there's a flash back to the beginning of one. Flashbacks are in italics. Many thanks to Aïnhoa 64 for the French translation and my beta, belowthesky, for making my error-ridden chapters post worthy! Just shows the amazingness of Clone Club! I'm just a little clonesbian from the East Coast USA and have a translator in France and a beta in Australia! Kinda boggles my mind a bit

Cosima took a deep breath as she stepped out into the warm Tuscan sun. It was a relatively cool day for late June, but much warmer than Cosima was used to back home in San Francisco. Not that San Francisco was her home anymore. It hadn't been her home since Shay left. Cosima shook her head. That was almost a year ago now. Which meant she was ten months into the approximated two years the doctors gave her.

Cosima shook her head again and took a deep breath. She really shouldn't be giving Shay anymore time than she already had. It was her choice to walk away. The massage therapist chose to leave in a time when Cosima needed her the most and for that Cosima wasn't sure if she could ever forgive her. Luckily she didn't have to worry about seeing her again to really have to. She lived in Toronto now with her siblings. Well, sort of lived in Toronto. Mostly she was traveling, but when she wasn't she bounced around between her siblings' places

This wasn't her plan at all. This wasn't how anything was supposed to be. She was supposed to finish her PhD, with Shay beside her side, and then they were supposed to travel together while Cosima enjoyed a break after dedicating her entire adult life to her studies; taking a couple months sabbatical to explore the world while she decided which job offer to accept and where they would move and begin this new chapter of their lives. Together. Now it was just Cosima. No PhD, no Shay.

Thankfully her family took time off to travel with her. Sarah and Felix went with her to England and showed her London through their eyes. Beth joined her in Brazil where they spent a month hiking in the Amazon rain forest. Helena showed her just about every church and convent in the Ukraine. Mrs. S took her Ireland, she took Sarah and Helena to Mexico, but it just wasn't the same.

Traveling was something she had dreamed about from a young age. It was supposed to be her reward for a long life spent in school and for her achievements. As a scientist it was in Cosima's nature to explore, but not like this.

Not because she was already living on borrowed time.

Alison was supposed to be here in Tuscany with her, but as fate would have it one of her kids was sick and she didn't trust her husband to take care of things. Not that Cosima blamed her really. Donnie tried, but he was a blundering idiot. So Cosima had come alone. Honestly she didn't mind in the slightest. In the beginning she might have. When her break-up was still new and she just wanted to be around familiar faces and to forget, but now it was nice. It was relaxing not to have one of her sisters asking her if she was okay every five minutes or if she had taken her medication or insisting _they_ were tired and needed Cosima to go back with them to the hotel so that _they_ could lie down. . .

Yes, it probably would have been more fun with someone with her to enjoy this with, but it was nice to be off on her own - free to do what she wanted when she wanted. Her family meant well and she knew it was their way of dealing with her disease, but they never left her alone.

A quick glance to her watch told her that she had about an hour before the tour left so she made her way across the street to a little cafe and ordered herself a cappuccino and a cornetto - the closest to her favorite breakfast she could find. Her favorite being bad coffee and a good croissant. The coffee wasn't bad per say it just wasn't her particular taste, but all she could find around were cappuccinos or espresso and she was never able to drink an espresso straight. The cornetto was close enough to a croissant, so all in all it was the Italian version of her favorite breakfast. It was the little things in life. The little comforts, little reminders of home. It was an entertaining mission of slowly working her way through the bad coffees and good croissants of the world.  
  
Finding herself an empty table along the window she looked out at the people walking up and down the street just going about their daily lives. Her life was such a mess. She had plans before her diagnosis. Big plans! She had worked her entire adult life for this degree she would never be able to finish. Some cruel twist of fate had taken away her dreams. She would never be the scientist she wanted to be. She wouldn't discover the mysteries of the world or make great contributions to science. There just wasn't the time anymore.

Sure she could always accept one of the dozens of employment offers she'd received whilst working on her doctorate, but what was the point? Work a couple of months before she became too sick and then she would have wasted all this time she was ' _healthy'_ when she could be out living and enjoying the time she had left now.

Cosima was never one to give up or not finish what she started. Half-assing things wasn't her style. It was all or nothing with her and she had tried so hard, but she just got too sick to keep up with the work. It was impossible to keep up with her research when she could barely get out of bed never mind get to the lab or her classes. The option was always there to go back and finish it now that she was better, but why? Why when it would never do her any good? It was her biggest dream in life. There was nothing Cosima had ever wanted more than that 'Dr' title and to be a scientist, but what was the point now? There wouldn't be time to use it. If she went back and finished it the only thing it would do for her now was put the title before her name on her grave stone.

It started about two years ago with some trouble breathing which she attributed to her pot habit. So she cut back, but that trouble breathing turned to a cough that just wouldn't quit although Cosima still attributed that to smoking as well. Once the cough started bringing up blood she went to the doctor. Rounds of tests, x-rays, various scans and biopsies later and they found that her lungs were filled with small “ _unidentified polyps.”_ They tried various treatments to shrink the polyps even having a couple of surgeries to remove them, but whatever it was that was invading her body was extremely aggressive.

Then they tried cyclophosphamide with chemo and radiation and even a bone marrow transplant from Beth who, out of all of them, had been the best match for Cosima despite the fact that they were all identical and realistically any of them should have been just as good of a match. The hospital room her entire life fell apart in had been her home for five long months which was the deciding factor in abandoning her PhD work. Up until that point she had tried to keep up with even just the illusion that her life could continue as normal, but there wasn't much she could do from the hospital. After one short month of of being bed bound in that little sterile room her girlfriend of four years, the supposed love of her life, left one night with the promise to return as soon as visiting hours started the following morning only to never be seen again. Cosima probably would have been more upset about it if she had been conscious for more than a few fleeting minutes at a time.

At one point she was doing a different treatment every week. For the most part she was too out of it to know what was going on, but luckily those treatments and the bone marrow transplant did manage to shrink a good majority of her polyps and slow the progression of new growths. But at what cost? Months in excrutiating pain and being too weak to talk or move or stay awake for more than a few moments at a time, forcing her to give up her PhD and her girlfriend, two of the most important things in her life, wasn't worth the time it was supposed to buy her.

That was when Cosima decided enough was enough. The disease had taken too much from her and she was done. After five long months of treatment, when she was stronger and _'healthier,'_ she left the hospital. _“Two years.”_ The doctor told her. _“At most.”_

Cosima knew that really meant maybe a year or so of feeling good if she was lucky. A year and a half before she got really sick again, but it was better than being someone's experiment wasting away in a hospital. So she took that time and ran with it, gaining her strength back with the help of her sestras, brother-sestra and Mrs. S in Toronto. A couple months later she was back to feeling and looking, more or less, like her old self and she made a plan.

There was so much she wanted to see and do and she wouldn't let this disease take her until she had experienced all of it.

Apparently there were doctors still working on finding a better treatment, she was painfully aware that no one ever said _cure_ , but she wasn't counting on it. As a scientist she knew better than most what fate awaited her. There were medications to manage her symptoms and make what time she had left as pleasant as possible, but she was dying. Until then she was slowly making her way through her bucket list. Certain things she would never be able to do. She would never get married or have kids, but she could enjoy the things she did have time for. There was traveling and seeing the wonders of the world and spending time with her family and helping her nieces and nephew with her science homework and meeting strange women and falling madly into bed for a night and leaving before any attachments formed and anyone got hurt. It was enough. There was no other choice it had to be enough.

Pushing all negative thought from her mind Cosima finished her breakfast and joined the small group forming across the street where her tour was meeting. Her eyes immediately went to the attractive woman whose tour Cosima had the good fortune to be in today. This woman was exactly what you would picture when thinking of your _typical_ Italian woman – long dark hair, dark eyes, olive complexion, slender toned body. If Cosima was the swooning type she just might be tempted.

“Hey I'm Cosima.” She introduced with a bright, toothy grin, extending her hand.

The guide smiled at Cosima. “I am Francesca.” She introduced herself, gently wrapping her fingers around Cosima's outstretched hand.

Cosima smiled, looking deep into the dark chocolate eyes. _Of course you are._  
  
“It says here someone else is with you? Alison-”

“Yeah, she was suppose to be, but ah my nephew has the flu or something so she had to stay home.” Cosima explained, her hands flying all over the place as she spoke.

“So you are here alone?” The guide asked, letting her eyes slowly trail up Cosima's body not even trying to hide it.  
  
Cosima bit her lip. There was something about foreign accents that just did her in. “Yeah, unfortunately.”  
  
“Do not worry.” Francesca smiled, placing a gentle hand on Cosima's forearm. “I will be sure to take _extra_ good care of you.” With a wink she turned to the next person looking to check in.  
  
Cosima allowed herself one last look at the woman before moving out of the way for the others waiting. “I bet you will.” It looked to be a small group in the tour, maybe twelve or so people. The majority looked to be around her age with a few older, maybe sixties or seventies. It was a walking tour of Florence promising a day of art and sightseeing in which they would tour Florence's historic center and see two of the most famous art museums in the world – the Academia Gallery home to Michaelanelo's David and the Uffizi Gallery which held masterpieces by such Italian artists as da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Botticelli and Raffaello.

Cosima wasn't crazy into art before her diagnosis, but since she found it to be somewhat of a gateway into the human experience. There was something that struck her now when looking at paintings or sculptures of people long dead. Even decades or centuries after they have passed, people are able to see through their eyes. See the world as they did. It spoke to her; the way one person could leave such a lasting impression on the world.

A mass of blonde curls caught her attention and try as she might she couldn't help the smile that came over her face.

 _“You're staring.”_  
  
_The blonde blushed and looked away. “I'm sorry.”_  
  
_“No, no, stare away. Please.” Cosima cocked her head to the side and smiled as the other woman's eyes shamelessly ran up and down her body. “Like what you see?”_  
  
_The other woman smiled as she took the glass from Cosima's hand and set it back on the bar, sliding her hands up toned arms and shoulders to join her hands behind Cosima's neck. Cosima had to concentrate very hard not to shiver at the sensation as every touch from the blonde sent a surge of electricity through her body. “Very much so.”_

 _Cosima smiled and captured the blonde's lips again. “You know, I've been thinking.”_  
  
_“Then clearly I am doing something wrong.”_  
  
_“No, no, no, far from it.” Cosima protested with another searing kiss to prove her point. “Believe me. I would really like to take this further and go somewhere just the two of us,” She began, slowly trailing her fingers up pale arms. “But I don't even know your name and my mother always told me not to ...talk to strangers.”_  
  
_The other woman took a deep breath, clearly having as much trouble focusing at Cosima's touch as Cosima was at hers. “Delphine.” She introduced, holding her hand out._  
  
_“Cosima.” She introduced, gently taking the offered hand in her own._  
  
_“Enchanté."_  
  
_Cosima smiled. “Enchanté."_

Cosima made her way over to where the blonde was standing, careful to walk just behind her field of vision. “Fancy seeing you here.”  
  
A small smile played on the blonde's lips, but she kept her gaze out on their tour guide who was checking in the last person waiting. “If I recall, I was the one who told you to visit Tuscany if you were to ever go to Italy.”

“Maybe.” Cosima shrugged. “Didn't know you'd be following me though.”

The blonde finally looked at Cosima and their hazel eyes met. Narrowing her eyes for a quick second she realized Cosima was teasing her. “You think very highly of yourself.”

“Come on Delphine what are you doing here?”  
  
“Well right now I am trying to enjoy the tour, but this cheeky little brunette is harassing me.”

“Harassing huh?” Cosima chuckled as she turned her attention to the guide who was beginning the tour with a short history lesson. “You love it.” She whispered.

Delphine smiled and winked before turning her attention back to the guide.

“Seriously...”

“Seriously.” Delphine nodded. “I am on a tour. I was at a conference in Rome and took some vacation time.”

“Rome is a couple hours away.”  
  
“Oui.” Delphine agreed. “It is a good thing they have these things called trains that can make the trip in less time than it takes to watch a movie.” She looked at Cosima with a raised brow. “Seriously, telling you about this place made me miss it. Since I was close by and am between projects at work I was able to take some time off. Who knows when I would be able to do this again so I figured why not?”

“Why not...” Cosima smirked. “You didn't tell me you were coming? I didn't even know you were going to Rome.”

“It all happened very fast. I was not supposed to go, but the person who was backed out at the last minute and I was available.”

“So why haven't I heard from you the past few days?” Cosima tried to brush off the hurt in her voice as nonchalance, but didn't quite succeed.

“I was asked to go literally right after our last video chat. As soon as I signed off my boss called and then I had to prepare for the conference. I had to give an entire lecture with little over twenty-four hours notice. Then the conference was three days long and I was very-”

“Busy?” Cosima offered.

“Yes.”

“Too busy to send a quick, ' _Hey coming to Italy!_ ' text?'” Cosima would never admit it, but the radio silence the past few days had been worrying for her. She had been wracking her brain trying to figure out if she had said something or done something wrong. Going over all of their texts and double checking pictures she had sent for any issue. Nothing had given her any reason for the lack of communication from the woman who usually seemed to hang on her every word.

As was the current theme of her life, Cosima was torn. This time she was torn between wanting to be mad at Delphine and acting like not hearing from her didn't phase her. Of course they both knew that it did, but they had an arrangement of sorts. Neither of them owed the other any kind of contact when Cosima was away.

“I wanted to surprise you...” Cosima simply raised an eyebrow. “I am sorry ma chérie. Please forgive me?”

Cosima had to look away. Those puppy dog eyes got her every time and Delphine damn well knew it. “That the only reason you're here? A tour?”

Delphine turned her attention back to their guide, a smile on her face. “Of course.”

“Wouldn't have anything to do with that fact that you knew I was here?”

“I knew you were in Florence, but I didn't know you would be on this tour today.”

“So it's a coincidence you would happen to be on the same exact tour on the same day I am?”

“Oui.” The blonde's smile grew. “A happy coincidence.”

 _“You make the sexiest noises.” Cosima said, taking a fistful of blonde curls and crashing their lips together._  
  
_Somehow the pair managed to make their way into the living room shedding dresses, heels and tights as they did. Cosima watched as Delphine's eyes hungrily raked over her nearly naked body and licked her lips as she watched the blonde take a deep breath and bite down on her bottom lip. She could see her eyes grow darker by the second, as she was sure her own eyes were as well, as deep-seeded desire overcame them both. It sent shots of unbearable liquid-heat straight to her core. She wanted this woman in the worst possible way._

_There was something about her that Cosima couldn't quite put her finger on. She hadn't felt this kind of pull with anyone in years. Seeing Delphine's eyes land on her lips she couldn't help but smirk which earned her a strong shove down onto the couch. It was hard to catch her breath as she watched Delphine reach around and unclasp her own bra, her eyes watching as the garment fell to the floor. She reached out a hand to pull Delphine to her. Running her hands up strong thighs when Delphine settled herself on top of her, straddling her on the couch. Hands on either side of her face the blonde brought their lips together again._

_Cosima's hands were everywhere; caressing Delphine's thighs, holding onto her hips, traveling up her back and over her shoulders, tangling into blonde curls to pull the blondes tongue deeper into her mouth, back down to her ass. Delphine let her head fall back and Cosima ducked her head down to take a pale pink nipple into her mouth._  
  
_“Co-si-ma....”_

Cosima took a step back and let her eyes trail over the blonde for a moment, enjoying the blush that rose from Delphine's chest at her shameless gawking. The blonde swallowed thickly and bit down on her bottom lip in a way that drove Cosima insane. Cosima chuckled softly and turned her attention back to their guide. _Happy coincidence my ass._


	2. Scratching Post

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snippet here from a scene from the show. I'll frequently have lines or conversations taken from the show that I adjust to fit the needs of the chapter. I like tying the story into the show by bringing some parts of the show in. Also, for Cosima's hair picture Tat's current hair. This is the shortest chapter yet and I've just started chapter 24. Feeling a little uninspired lately, so feel free to send me some inspiration!  
> 

8 MONTHS AGO

Cosima ran her hands through her hair. It was growing back fast, of which Cosima was grateful, but it had been years since she was actually able to run her fingers through her hair. It was kind of difficult with dreads. And then her hair fell out and she had nothing. Any number of the treatments she had in the hospital could have caused hairloss; the biggest contenders being chemotherapy and the cyclophosphamide treatment. Thankfully it was growing back quickly and now fell maybe two or so inches above her shoulder in lose, dark waves. Chances were she would never be able to have her signature long dreads piled high up on her head again, but it was growing. Her hair had always grown abnormally fast. With a sigh she turned to the lanky man beside her. "I'm not doing Sapphire."

"Why not?" Felix protested in a whine as he held his phone out to take a picture.

"I'm not!" Cosima brought her hands up to block the camera on the phone, but wasn't quite quick enough. Her body was still healing, after all. "No!" She checked the picture. " _No_. No." No way in hell would she let that picture be posted anywhere. It was a decent picture, she reasoned, but it didn't look like  _her_. Though she may never think she looked like herself again.

"It's pretty."

She glared at her brother. "I'm not gonna let an app decide who I love." How could she get involved with someone when she had an expiration date? It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"Oh God" Felix let his head fall back. "Not love darling. Not love. I'm talking about a scratching post. Something to rub yourself up against."

Cosima couldn't help but laugh at that. It had been too long since she had had anyone close to her in that way and she did miss it. She missed sex. She missed the look on a lover's face as she brought her to orgasm. She missed waking up and seeing someone lying there beside her. She missed falling asleep wrapped in someone else's arms.

But Cosima knew herself. She had never been the kind of person to just have sex for the sake of having sex. Well, you know, aside from her undergrad days when she had garnered quite the reputation, but she had been young. You're supposed to do stupid shit when you're young. Cosima was the all or nothing type. For her sex was always better was when it was with someone she really cared about. Sure, she could have sex without those feelings and God knows she had, but it was never as good. It was that connection that really drew her in. "I can't Felix. I'm not good at having sex just for the sake of an...an orgasm. I need to feel that connection with someone, you know?"

"Sure I do darling. I feel a connection with someone different each night."

"Felix-"

"Look Cosima..." Felix took a breath not knowing how to phrase this. "I know you don't want a relationship because of..." He trailed off sadly, a heavy pause between them. "But you're still human. You have needs." With a sly smile he nudged Cosima until she chuckled. "I'm not talking about love, but a little bit of lust goes a long way. Do you really want the she-bitch to be the last woman who touched you?"

"Hey" Cosima warned. She could call Shay the she-bitch all she wanted. It was her heart she broke, her life she completely shattered, but she had a life with this woman once. A good life – a happy life. At one point Shay had been all she needed and wanted. So she could call her the she-bitch all she wanted, but she was the only one with that right.

"Well do you?" Felix pushed, not backing down.

"No." Cosima sighed. "But what if I really like her Felix? I'm supposed to, what? Share one night together and never see her again?"

"Mmm no." Felix shook his head with a sip of his drink. "You stay away from the ones you really like. That will only lead to trouble and heartache. Go with someone you feel an instant attraction to, but nothing more. Get in, get off, get out."

Cosima shook her head incredulously. "I'm not an emotionless robot."

Felix put his hand over Cosima's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know darling, but what choice do you have? You don't have to feel a great connection or be in love to experience the high the touch of another can bring."

Cosima smiled and offered her quasi-brother a quick nod. He was right. It was her own choice not to want a relationship. She knew that if she did she would end up doing treatments again because her girlfriend would beg her to, so she would and she would be miserable every second and sick and wasting the life she had left. Then chances were that if her girlfriend didn't leave during the treatments, Cosima would end up hating her and pushing her away for forcing her into this when she didn't want it even if it prolonged her life. Even if it did prolonge her life it was only for a short while and then she would need treatment again. Or if she died she would have spent the last of her days being a lab rat again and that was not how she wanted to go.

No, that wasn't fair for anyone.

Maybe Felix was right. Just find herself someone to  _rub up against_. The entire reason she left the hospital was to live. She didn't want anyone to get hurt, but she could indulge in one night of passion and leave before anyone got attached. It was plausible. Theoretically, Cosima figured. She had strong reservations that she could do it, but she wasn't a nun. As Felix said, she had  _needs._ Cosima had always been an extremely affectionate person who craved human contact. Hugs from her family only went so far. What she needed iwas someone to touch her intimately – a gentle kiss, a thumb brushing across her cheek, hands pushing her thighs apart as steady fingers slowly trail down her body, a naked body pressed tightly against her own with nothing but the sounds of labored breathing filling the room...

Scientifically speaking, physical touch had been shown to decrease disease and increase the immunological response. Cosima of all people could use a whole lot of that right about now. It's also been shown to help mentally by warding off depression and soothing anxiety. So really, she would be doing this for her health. "What if I get attached?" She asked quietly.

"Well then you deal with that when it happens. Would it really be the worst thing?" Felix asked with a sigh. "Some things are bigger than us, Cos. No feelings is your rule not the universe's. Some things you can't fight."

"The universe? Are you suggesting a spiritual component?"

"God no." Felix chuckled. "I'm meerely saying that there are just some people we are supposed to meet in life. And if you like someone, I mean like feel this instant connection you can't fight, why try to?"

"Because I'm dying Felix. That's why." Cosima didn't want to admit it, but with everything that had gone on in her life recently, it had shaken her confidence to the very core. Before all of this she knew who she was and what she wanted, where she was going and everything, but now she was confused. And scared. Scared of putting herself out there again, scared of dying, scared she had lost herself for good, scared there was no point in anything she said or did anymore as the end game would be the same no matter what. It was quite the mind job.

"Doesn't mean you have to die miserable or alone darling." He downed the rest of his drink. "Just give this a chance, yeah? You never know what you might find."

Cosima pursed her lips and sighed. "Fine." Maybe what she needed was a distraction. Maybe in losing herself in another she would find herself again.

"Great! Now finish that drink. Since you don't want to do Sapphire, we are going to go back to my flat and gussy you up a bit and then we will come back here and keep drinking until we find you a scratching post."

A few hours later and they did manage to find her a scratching post. A few drinks, a couple songs, some heavy flirting and she had gotten really into it. It was just sex after all. As a scientist she knew it was just a release of certain chemicals in the brain. Her name was Lara. She was about Cosima's height with these dark chocolate eyes and auburn hair. Sex on heels by anyone's standards and when the morning came Cosima quietly slipped out of the apartment. She hadn't given Lara so much as her last name so unless they bumped into each other again somewhere, which was always possible, their connection had run its course.

People had one night stands all the time. Not Cosima normally, not since she met Shay at least, but other people. She would re-learn. The alternative was to be celibate and that was just depressing.

Of course Felix was up when she tried to sneak back into his loft in the early hours of the morning. "Well hello darling." He teased. "Was it horrible?"

Cosima laughed. "You were right Felix."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"You were right." Cosima smirked.

"Well congratulations. You have just graduated the Dawkins Finishing School for dying, horny lesbians."

Cosima laughed. Felix was the only one out of this make-shift family of hooligans she had who was making her feel normal. Yes, he joked about her dying, but it was better than how no one else mentioned it.

"Same time next week, yeah?"

"Obvs."

 


	3. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of the episode last night I am still trying to recover from, don't worry no spoilers, I thought that deserved an early chapter! Seriously, is anyone dying over that like I am?? HOLY DOODLE...Without further ado, enter Delphine

3 WEEKS LATER  
(Continued from the 8 MONTHS AGO of the previous chapter)

Something was different tonight. Cosima felt it the second she walked in. There was something pulling her, but what it was and where it was pulling her she didn't know. As she walked to the bar she could feel eyes boring right into her soul. Not turning around and seeking the gaze's owner she just let the feeling of being wanted wash over her. It always felt nice being wanted. And she could tell whoever was behind those eyes wanted her. She could feel it. In her tight green sleeveless dress no curve was left hidden she knew she was looking good tonight. Her eye make-up was sultry and winged to perfection. She was still getting used to life sans dreads, but with Felix's help her hair looked rather good as well. It was glossy and straight and in their attempt to grow her bangs had a sort of side-swept look to them. It felt like something was missing without dreads. In a way making her more vulnerable. Maybe one day she would get some fake dreads.

It had been a few weeks since Lara. There had been a few others whose names she was trying to forget and one she could not remember for the life of her, but she had been a bit too kinky for Cosima's particular taste anyway. As much as she hated to admit Felix was right, she was honestly having the time of her life. Which was exactly the point.  _No attachments, nobody gets hurt._ It was really helping her confidence level. She was nowhere near as confident as she was pre-illness or pre-'love of her life dumping her while on her death bed,' but whatever wasn't there yet she could fake.

Two rounds of shots were downed and Sarah pushed a third into her hands.

"Drink up bitches I'm buying!"

Cosima scoffed. "I don't know how you continue to make a profit with the amount of free drinks you give away."

"Only to family." Sarah protested.

"It's cause she's a bloody brilliant businesswoman, isn't it?" Felix said proudly, slinging his arm around Sarah and pulling her close. Sometimes Cosima was jealous of their bond, but then she thought of how they got so close and everything they went through together and she was glad they had each other through it all.

"Still, the two of you alone have got to drink nearly your entire profit margin. And then Helena..."

"And that is why we don't drink every night." Felix shrugged.

"Oi!" Sarah said. "Do you want to pay for your own bloody drinks?"

Cosima grimaced as the shot burned its way down her throat and grabbed the glass of her favorite red wine the bartender automatically placed in front of her to wash it down - okay so maybe she had been coming here a little too much the past couple of weeks, and held it up to toast. "To Clone Club."

Felix and Sarah held up their glasses. "To Clone Club."

The eyes were still on Cosima. It was exciting. The idea that behind the eyes following her was a super hot model who wanted nothing more than to sweep Cosima off to a love nest for the weekend was enough to keep Cosima from turning around. That and the fact that it was equally as likely to be a guy and, attractive or not, that just wasn't the brunette's scene. Sometimes it was the idea of something rather than the thing itself that was exciting. Anticipation and all that...

Sarah, ever the watchdog, noticed her secret watcher before Cosima had the chance to turn around. "I don't know how you do it." She said with appreciation in her voice.

"Do what?"

"Whatchu on about?" Felix began, turning around to see what had his sister's attention. "Oh. Well done Cos."

Cosima chuckled with a sip of wine "Okay, what are you guys talking..." Cosima's mouth went dry. The universe was taunting her. This woman could very well be a model. Cosima was sure she had never seen anyone so breathtakingly beautiful. It was hard for her to see exact detail across the crowded room with dim lighting designed to make you care less about the bad decisions you were undoubtedly going to make, but her eyes looked dark, hair falling to her shoulders in lose golden curls and that little black dress left  _very_  little to the imagination.

A hand under her chin snapped her back. "Might wanna pick that up off the floor."

"Hey." Cosima swatted her sister's hand away. "Knock it off she's watching."

"Then don't leave her waiting. Every pretty woman is an opportunity darling. Either you take it or somebody else will." With a swift kick in the ass, literally, from Felix Cosima made her way to the dance floor. Eyes still locked on the blonde a few yards away Cosima started moving her body to the beat. The blonde bit down her lower lip as Cosima's arms rose over her head and followed the rhythm of her hips. Dark eyes looked away for a moment when an awkward looking guy with a bad haircut and wire-framed glasses spoke to her. A moment later he walked away and the blonde's eyes locked back on Cosima as she made her way over.

Cosima took a deep breath. This woman was even more beautiful up close with porcelain skin covered in these beauty marks Cosima's mouth legitimately started watering over. Especially that one right below her lip...There was an air to her of vanilla, lavender and … cigarettes? A weird mix, but intoxicating. "Hey."

The blonde smiled. "Hey."

"Your boyfriend coming back?" Cosima asked, looking across the floor where the man in the wire-framed glasses was sitting at a table watching them.

The other woman followed Cosima's gaze. "Oh non, non, he is just a friend."

Cosima closed her eyes. Dear God this mystery woman had an accent. "Does he know that?" She smirked. "His eyes are still glued to you."

"He may have a little crush." She admitted with a chuckle. "But I am his boss, so..."

"Ah" Cosima took a deep breath.  _French_. This woman was French. Tall, blonde, gorgeous and French. "What do you do?"

"I am an immunologist."

 _Fuck._  Cosima shook her head, her stomach dropping to her feet. There was one thing that would have made this woman more perfect and that was it. Tall, blonde, French, gorgeous AND hella smart. Warning bells were screaming in Cosima's head telling her to pull back. Find someone less appealing who didn't pull her in so effortlessly. Someone she didn't want as badly. And maybe it was the alcohol, but for once she stopped listening, closed her eyes and let herself feel.

"And um . . . I don't...I don't have a boyfriend." The woman admitted as a slight blush work its way over her face.

Cosima watched the blonde visibly swallow and smiled. Good to know she wasn't the only one overcome with desire. "Girlfriend?"

The other woman smirked. "Non. No girlfriend either."

"You're not married, right?" The blonde shook her head with a smile. "My good fortune then." Cosima smiled, her eyes lighting up behind her thick, dark frammed glasses. "You wanna dance?" The blonde nodded and Cosima moved in, wrapping her arms around the other woman's waist and pulling her close.

The woman draped her arms over Cosima's shoulders and Cosima lost herself in amber eyes and techno beats. At some point she turned in the blonde's arms so her back was pressed against the woman's front and she had to work really hard to supress her pleasure at the contact.

Every nerve ending hummed happily as a pair of strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her impossibly closer. Cosima knew exactly what she was doing as she swayed and pressed her ass back into the other woman. Knew exactly what she was doing as she reached one hand up to wrap around the blonde's neck as the other entwined their fingers over her mid section. And she damn well knew exactly what she was doing when the hand on the other woman's neck moved up to her head and pulled her down to crash their lips together.

Even over the roar of the music Cosima heard the sexiest whimper she had ever heard as her tongue traced the blonde's bottom lip. A shot of liquid heat shot straight through her body. She should pull away now. Nothing good would come from this, but as if sensing her hesitation the blonde grabbed her hips and turned Cosima around so they were face to face and brought their lips back together. There was no way Cosima could think about anything but the feel of this woman's hands on her face and her lips and her tongue...dear Lord this woman knew how to use her tongue! Mouths moved together in a battle of lips, tongues and teeth. Despite herself, as the blonde bit down on Cosima's lower lip, she let out a long, throaty moan, her thighs squeezing together of their own accord.

Cosima couldn't help but smile as she continued kissing this gorgeous woman in front of her. The world around them disappeared and everything went quiet. There was no blasting bass beats or other bodies writhing and dancing around them, Cosima wasn't sick, nobody was dying. Right now with this other woman pressed up against her she was living. There was nothing but the two of them and their rapidly increasing heart rates. Every touch sent shock waves up and down her arms, every kiss sent a shot of pure desire straight to her core. Just a look from the blonde had Cosima shaking. Her skin was pulsing, her head was reeling...

Cosima knew the minute her eyes met this woman's that this one would be trouble. This one wouldn't be easy to leave, but she couldn't help herself. There was something about the blonde that started pulling her in the minute she got to the club. There was something about her that made Cosima abandon her good sense and her rules and not give a damn.

" _No feelings is your rule not the universe's. Some things you can't fight."_

It was sometime later, bodies covered in a thin sheen of sweat, that Cosima pulled the blonde over to the bar, signaling to her favorite bartender for drinks. Said bartender may or may not have gotten to know Cosima on a more  _personal_  level as of late.

"You're staring."

The blonde blushed and looked away. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, stare away. Please." Cosima cocked her head to the side and smiled as the other woman's eyes shamelessly ran up and down her body. "Like what you see?"

The other woman smiled as she took the glass from Cosima's hand and set it back on the bar, sliding her hands up toned arms and shoulders to join her hands behind Cosima's neck. Cosima had to concentrate very hard not to shiver at the sensation as every touch from the blonde set her skin on fire. "Very much so."

Cosima smiled and captured the blonde's lips again. "You know, I've been thinking."

"Then clearly I am doing something wrong."

"No, no, no, far from it." Cosima protested with hands flying and a searing kiss to prove her point. "Believe me. I would really like to take this further and go somewhere just the two of us," She began, slowly trailing her fingers up pale arms. "but I don't even know your name and my mother always told me not to ...talk... to strangers."

The other woman took a deep breath, clearly having as much trouble focusing at Cosima's touch as Cosima was at hers. "Delphine." She introduced, holding her hand out.

"Cosima." She introduced, gently taking the offered hand in her own.

"Enchantée."

Cosima smiled. "Enchantée" She couldn't remember the last time she felt so alive. Like a moth to a flame she felt drawn to this woman. It was almost as if she had no say in anything that happened after their eyes met. There was something about her – about Delphine, that made Cosima want her with a need she hadn't experienced in quite some time.

"Well Dephine," She whispered against the shell of the blonde's ear before capturing her lips again in a quick, but passionate kiss. "Do you wanna get out of here?" She whispered seductively before gently nipping the ear lobe in front of her.

"Merde." Delphine cursed, pulling Cosima's lips back to her own.

Delphine was intoxicating. Cosima wanted nothing more than to kiss her all night long. Slowly, she let her hands travel up the other woman's sides. Actually, she wanted to do a lot more than kiss her all night.

"Your place or mine?"

"Well," Cosima began as she found a particularly sensitive spot just below Delphine's ear. "I'm staying with my brother at the moment. It's just around the corner and he will totally clear out if I ask him too, but-"

Grabbing Cosima's face, Delphine tore warm lips from her neck and brought them back to her own lips. "My place it is."

This was a very bad idea. Cosima knew she should walk away while she still could. Should high-tail it as far away from this woman as humanely possible. She liked the Frenchwoman too much for her to be another one-night stand.  _No attachments, nobody gets hurt._ If she went home with Delphine she was sure somebody would get hurt. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day or even the next week, but it would happen. Only this time Cosima couldn't bring herself to care. They had a connection for whatever reason and it made Cosima feel more alive than she had in a very long time.

Cosima smiled against her lips.  _Fuck it._ "Good idea."


	4. Missed Connections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies, but I barely passed 3 years of high school French so any French I use is courtesy of Dr. Google and my, very, basic knowledge. (I'll put the English translation in parentheses) If anyone knows French and would like to help me out for future chapters I'd love to chat! Also, sexy time warning. If that's not your thing, feel free to skip this chapter (though I highly recommend that you don't :)) MANY MANY MANY thanks for the reviews, kudos and for reading! Hope you all enjoy the ride.

LATER THAT NIGHT  
(continued from previous chapter)  
  
The door to the apartment had barely closed behind them when Cosima had Delphine pushed up against the wall. Her whole body shivered when the blonde let her head fall back to give Cosima better access to her neck and she released the most erotic noises Cosima had ever heard.  
  
“You make the sexiest noises.” Cosima said, taking a fistful of blonde curls and crashing their lips together.  
  
Somehow the pair managed to make their way into the living room shedding dresses, heels and tights as they did. Cosima watched as Delphine's eyes hungrily raked over her nearly naked body and licked her lips as she watched the blonde take a deep breath and bite down on her bottom lip. She could see her eyes grow darker by the second, as she was sure her own eyes were as well, as deep-seeded desire overcame them both. It sent shots of unbearable liquid-heat straight to her core. She wanted this woman in the worst possible way.

There was something about her that Cosima couldn't quite put her finger on. She hadn't felt this kind of pull with anyone in years. Seeing Delphine's eyes land on her lips she couldn't help but smirk which earned her a strong shove down on to the couch. It was hard to catch her breath as she watched Delphine reach around and unclasp her own bra, her eyes watching as the garment fell to the floor. She reached out a hand to pull Delphine to her. Running her hands up strong thighs when Delphine settled herself on top of her, straddling her on the couch. Hands on either side of her face the blonde brought their lips together again.

Cosima's hands were everywhere; caressing Delphine's thighs, holding onto her hips, traveling up her back and over her shoulders, tangling into blonde curls to pull the blonde's tongue deeper into her mouth, back down to her ass. Delphine let her head fall back and Cosima ducked her head down to take a pale pink nipple into her mouth.  
  
“Co-si-ma....”  
  
“Mmm I love how you say my name.” Delphine arched her back as Cosima took her other nipple into her mouth. Slowly she raked her fingers down to the hips that were grinding against her of their own accord. Delphine giggled as finger tips brushed the sensitive skin of her lower abdomen. Pulling away, Cosima looked deep into warm amber eyes as her hand rested just above Delphine's panty line.

Delphine smiled and nodded before pulling Cosima's mouth back to her own.  
  
Finally Cosima's hand dipped below the nude satin fabric of Delphine's panties. “God you're soaked.” She moaned happily. Delphine could only nod as a single finger moved up and down her slick sex, coating itself in her arousal. Her head fell back, breaking their kiss. The need for oxygen and the sounds Cosima was pulling out of her left her mouth otherwise occupied.  
  
Cosima brought her lips to that sweet spot she had discovered earlier just below the blonde's ear as she pushed further down into Delphine's underwear. It would make more sense to have her take them off, but that would require the blonde getting off her lap and she quite liked how she was spread open over her. With a soft bite just over a frantically thumping pulse point, Cosima's fingers finally dove into warm, wet heat.  
  
“Mon Dieu.” Delphine moaned as her eyes rolled back into her head. (My God.)  
  
“Like that?”  
  
Delphine nodded as she panted against Cosima's ear, hips starting to ride her love's finger. “More.”  
  
Cosima easily added another finger as she thrust into Delphine. The blonde was dripping with her arousal. It was dizzying. One hand inside Delphine's sex, Cosima built up to a steady rhythm as the blonde rode her hand from above. Her other hand tangled in curls as she pressed their lips together hard.  
  
It didn't take long at all to sense Delphine was close. Cosima brought her thumb to the Frenchwoman's clit, moving it back and forth over the sensitive nub as her fingers curled inside. She watched as the orgasm crashed over her lover and she cried out with Cosima's name on her lips. Cosima kept up her ministrations as Delphine's walls clenched around her fingers, wanting to draw every ounce of pleasure she could from the other woman. When Delphine's body finally stopped trembling, Cosima brought their lips together and kissed her softly.  
  
It was when when a saltiness joined the kiss that Cosima pulled away. “You okay?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“You sure?” She asked with a hand under Delphine's chin to guide amber eyes to her own.  
  
Delphine brought a hand to the brunette's cheek. “I cry after sex sometimes.”  
  
“Liar.” Cosima smirked.  
  
Delphine chuckled in embarrassment. “I am just feeling a lot of things.”  
  
“Good things I hope.” The nervousness was clear in Cosima's voice. _No attachments, nobody gets hurt._  
  
Delphine placed a soft kiss on Cosima's lips. “The best.” She promised. “I have never felt ...” She trailed off. “You know there is just something about you Cosima..” She leaned down to place a soft kiss just in front of Cosima's ear. “J'ai besoin de te goûter.” She whispered. (I need to taste you.)  
  
“Holy shit.” Cosima whispered with an uneven breath. Having taken French in high school, Cosima had a vague idea of what Delphine said. In her defense though, she had barely mastered English and high school was a long time ago. She looked up and brought the blonde in for another slow, passionate kiss. She didn't want to think right now. Didn't want to see that vulnerability in the blonde's eyes.  
  
To accentuate her point, Delphine reached behind the woman below her and undid the clasp of her bra so she could gently palm a breast in her hand. Cosima could see her smirk as her nipple grew hard against her hand. “Delphine-”  
  
Delphine silenced her with a kiss that showed exactly what her tongue was capable of. “There is nothing more I want right now than to be inside of you.”  
  
“Jesus.”  
  
With a final kiss, Delphine slid off of Cosima's lap and took the other woman's hand to lead her down the hall to her bedroom. The back of Cosima's knees kit the back of the bed and she fell back, forcing their lips apart. Delphine followed her lover onto the bed, making a seductive show as she slowly crawled to her. With a smile from Cosima, she hooked her fingers around the lace of the brunette's underwear and pulled them slowly down her tan legs. She licked her lips when she saw Cosima's sex glistening in it's want for her.

Cosima took a deep breath as she watched the blonde's eyes darken. She was intoxicating. Not just when she was touching her, but when she looked at Cosima like she wanted to devour her inch by inch. Slowly the blonde lowered herself down on top of Cosima, eliciting groans of satisfaction from the smaller woman and their lips claimed one another's again. Delphine trailed her hand slowly down Cosima's body. First it met dark, dusky nipples that she gently pinched and twisted with her fingertips as Cosima arched into her touch. Then she gently skimmed down her abdomen, twirling around her belly button, and down further until she felt the wetness she caused. Her own eyes closed tightly at the contact.  
  
Cosima let Delphine explore. Let her take her time tracing and exploring her body as the blonde wanted, but when Delphine pulled back she grabbed her wrist.

“Ah ah ah. You had your fun. Now it is my turn.”

Cosima hadn't thought it possible to be any more turned on than she already was, but watching blonde curls disappear between her thighs nearly did the trick. It was only by force of sheer willpower she didn't come on the spot.

With a wicked grin, Delphine placed her hands on the inside of Cosima's knees and slowly pushed them apart.

“If you keep taking your sweet ass time I'm going to finish this myself.”

Delphine's eyebrows shot up. “You wouldn't.”

“Try me.”

Delphine narrowed her eyes for a brief second trying to decide if Cosima was bluffing or not before smiling and moving down. She placed a couple of soft kisses to he tender flesh of the brunette's inner thighs and a couple that would probably leave marks. After all, what was the point in exploring new territory if you couldn't claim it as your own. The smell of Cosima's arousal drew Delphine in, her lips were soon on the outside of Cosima's sex. Not wanting to tease too much, her tongue quickly found Cosima's clit.

Cosima was whimpering and moaning like it was all she knew at this point. There wasn't a part of her that wasn't on fire right now. Cosima had her fair share of lovers. Some were great, some were so-so, some should go back to boys, but Delphine was phenomenal. She played Cosima's body like it was her job. Like she wrote the book to it. Her tongue thrust in and out of Cosima as slender fingers tweaked her nipples until Cosima was a writhing, thrusting, begging, sweaty mess.

The blonde withdrew her tongue from inside Cosima and wrapped her lips around her clit, using the tip of her talented tongue to flick the underside of the throbbing bundle of nerves. Not that she needed anything further to get off with her orgasm right behind her eyes, but Cosima wanted Delphine everywhere. Reaching down she found the other woman's hand and pressed Delphine's fingers into herself. The both moaned as two slender fingers found home in wet, slick heat. Her mind and body were drowning in feelings and emotions she had told herself would be a bad idea to feel.  
  
Delphine curled her fingers inside Cosima, massaging along her front wall with every thrust of her hand as her tongue continued to work her clit.  
  
“God don't stop. Don't _ever_ stop!”

It had never been this way before. Not with any lover Cosima ever had. Even Shay, whom Cosima had loved with all her heart, hadn't affected her this way. Every molecule of her DNA was on fire as she ground her center down against Delphine's face, eliciting a few sharp hisses of pleasure from the blonde. Every inch of her skin screamed for Delphine's touch. Every muscle in her body trembled. Her body was flushed and throbbed painfully. Her body was screaming for release and yet, she held back, wanting to prolong this as long as she could.  
  
Thrusting faster to match Cosima's erratic hips while curling her fingers and brushing her tongue back and forth over the brunette's clit, it wasn't long before Cosima couldn't hold back any longer and she came crashing down. Wave after wave hit her and she saw stars and the answers of the universe and maybe even God.

With her body still trembling, she pulled Delphine up beside her and curled into her arms.

“You alright?” Delphine asked, bringing her hand to a flustered cheek.

“I don't think there's words for what I am right now.” Cosima smirked, opening her eyes. Her smile faded, a serious expression coming over her face. “You are like, stupidly beautiful you know that?” _Pull back! Pull back! Pull back! Nothing good will come from this Cosima!_ Was it possible to feel such a deep connection with someone she had known for such a short amount of time?

With a quick bite to her lower lip Delphine closed the short distance between them and softly kissed Cosima.

“On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you right now? And how late do you usually sleep, because I should probably clear out before you wake up.”

Delphine furrowed her brow in confusion. “Why?” It was hard to hide the panicked tone in her voice.

Cosima took a deep breath. It was for the best. One night and no one gets hurt. _No attachment._ “Because,” Cosima began as she reached down between them to entwine their fingers together, but she faltered. Because why? She wasn't dead yet. Who even knew what would happen between them. Someone this beautiful had to be a handful or bat-shit crazy so what was the harm in enjoying whatever this connection was between them while it lasted? Maybe this was just a fling that would run its course in a couple of weeks. _Or maybe she will be your undoing._ Cosima shook her head and looked up at the saddest puppy-like eyes.

As she brought a hand to Delphine's pale, flushed cheek she knew she was fucked. She never should have listened to Felix. She was no good at this.

“Cosima,” Delphine began softly, pulling Cosima from her thoughts. “I am not drunk. I am French. I was born with a tolerance much higher than most. At the bar I was _slightly_ drunk, but it wore off rather quickly.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Mhmm. And I don't want you to go.” The blonde said honestly, not giving Cosima time to speak.  
  
Cosima bit her bottom lip to give herself a small pause. Her eyes earnestly searched her lover's for any sign of alcohol-filled emotions, but she couldn't find any. Her face lit up again as she smiled. There was something here. Something good. Delphine liked her too. Like, really liked her if the night's activities were anything to go by. Was it her place to make this decision for the both of them? She nodded slowly, gathering the other woman in her arms. “Then I'll stay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Aïnhoa+64 for helping with the French!


	5. Wind and Dandelions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima explaining her tattoo to Beth was partly taken from an Ask:OB interview Tatiana did about Cosima's tattoos.  
> 

NEXT MORNING  
(still continued from last chapter)

"So you told her you would stay, then bailed?"

Cosima closed her eyes. "What was I supposed to do Sarah? No attachments-"

"Nobody gets hurt. Yeah, we know darling." Felix finished.

Cosima looked over at her brother. Leaving this morning had been much harder than it had been with any of the others. Granted there were only a couple of others, but still. There was something about the gorgeous blonde that pulled her in and that's why Cosima left. She knew if she stayed Delphine would be her undoing. "I screwed up."

"I hope you mean you screwed her."

"Felix!" Sarah warned. "I don't wanna hear this shit."

"Tell me you did Cos." Felix continued, ignoring his sister. For as much as Sarah got around she was surprisingly squeamish hearing about any of her sisters' sex lives. Felix, on the other hand, wanted all the juicy details. "You should have seen all the glares you got when you walked out of the club with her. Lucky we didn't have a riot on our hands."

"Not in my club." Sarah stated resolutely. The wild brunette had worked hard to make something of herself. Something she was proud of. She went from a junkie drug dealer who abandoned her daughter to the owner of a wildly successful night club and a bake sale away from being the most involved mother at Kira's school. NOTHING was going to mess with that.

"I did. A couple times." Cosima admitted with a smug smirk. "I don't know if it's because she's French or if it's just  _her_ , but … she was insatiable. You know no one can ever really keep up with me, but she . . . she kept waking me up for more. I'm surprised I can walk honestly."

Felix made some whooping/wolf whistle sort of noise and then proceeded to ask Cosima exactly how they had fucked each other, "With explicit detail please," which earned him a shoe flying dangerously close to his face. "That's my sister you twat!" Sarah exclaimed. "Some things I'm better off not knowing."

"Guys, be serious please." Cosima begged. It was hard enough walking away. She needed them to be on her side and tell her she did the right thing.

"What happened darling?" Felix questioned gently.

"I like her." Cosima admitted quietly.

Felix paused a minute, looking over to Sarah who shrugged. ". . . I'm sorry, what?"

"I like her Felix."

"No, I heard that. I just don't see the issue." He said, earning a gentle slap and a subtle shake of the head from Sarah.

"I have an expiration date."

"Yeah and? We all do. I know you don't want to get involved with someone so they don't have to watch you die or so you don't have to lose someone again, but you aren't forcing her. And she's not the she-bitch. No one knows what's going to happen. Any one of us could walk out our front doors tomorrow and get hit by a car and die."

Cosima sighed. "Charming."

"The point is we are all dying. Some faster than others, yes, but all the same. You're not dead yet, Cos. If you like her this much and she likes you, go for it! You deserve to be happy!" He explained.

Cosima groaned and looked up at her sister. "Tell me I did the right thing." For someone who screwed around with so many different guys, Felix really did have a deeply ingrained idea of romance. He was idealistic. Any other time Cosima would have loved him for it and God knew how many times he had helped her love life, but this was not that time. She had made a decision.  _No attachments, nobody gets hurt._  Sarah would back her up. She always did.

Sarah nodded and put her arm round Cosima's shoulders, pulling her close. "You did the right thing geek monkey."

Felix sighed – that big, dramatic gay sigh of his. He could see he wasn't going to win this one. "Yeah, alright." He conceded. "There are plenty of other fish in the sea."

Cosima nodded. "Thank-you."

"Not tall, hot, blonde, French doctor fish." He mumbled. "But fish nonetheless."

"English fish, yeah?" Sarah asked with a wink, kicking her brother and mouthing 'be supportive.'

Cosima's face lit up. She had spent the last almost three months standing still. From the hospital she came right to Toronto and let her family nurse her back to health physically, mentally and emotionally. It had been a few weeks now since she had re-joined the world. She was going out, she was meeting people, she was having fun and little by little her confidence was returning. It would take more than a few weeks to undo the damage Shay and her disease did to her sense of self-worth, but she was re-learning who she was. Maybe re-learning wasn't exactly the right term. Cosima was a new person now. She wasn't the same woman she was back in San Francisco. Her values weren't the same, her beliefs weren't the same, even her ideas of right and wrong had changed.

She had always been someone who exuded confidence. It was just who she was. The months spent in the hospital and Shay leaving had broken her, but they did not destroy her. Not yet anyway and Cosima was fighting tooth-and-nail to put herself back together again. Slowly, but surely, that light within her that had gone out was coming back. Finally she was starting to live again.

Cosima knew how scary this all was for her family. They saw her at her absolute worst. When she left the hospital and came here with her hair gone, bones protruding, skin nearly translucent, eyes dull and sunken in, barely able to walk to the bathroom on her own no one honestly expected her to make it. But like her sisters Cosima was stubborn. They had to feed her and bathe her. They held her and spoke soft, reassuring words when she woke up screaming in the middle of the night. They listened to her rant about things they had no clue about, but nodded supportively all the same. They talked her down when the fact that she was dying caused a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store or the park or in the car on the highway.

Beth and Sarah were the ones who held her and talked to her when she was screaming and crying and losing her grip on reality. She would never be able to thank Beth for all she had done. The bone marrow transplant re-booted her immune system and gave her a real fighting chance. It made her body strong enough to fight back. Without it she never would have left that hospital.

Alison cooked and and made sure that she had clean clothes and bathed her until she was strong enough to do it on her own. Helena would sit with her and watch movies and laugh with her and make her eat jell-o. Cosima didn't particularly like jell-o, but Helena's eyes lit up whenever Cosima accepted an offered spoonful of the jiggly solid. Felix made her laugh and helped her do her hair, when she had some, and make-up so she felt at least a tiny bit human. Mrs. S would sing to her when she couldn't sleep and talk with her to calm her fears while at the same time not sugar coating the truth. And Kira would sit with her and draw her pictures and ask to do science experiments and kept her looking toward tomorrow.

And she had gotten better. Thanks to each and every one of them. Now Mrs. S was finally  _letting_  (When Siobhan Sadler said it wasn't a good idea for you to do something, you listened) her start her world travels. Of course, Sarah and Felix immediately volunteered to show her their version of London. Going by Mrs. S's reaction Cosima should have been worried, but she was excited. This was the 'living' she had been waiting for. This was the whole reason she left San Francisco. She couldn't wait.

She just had one thing to do first.

* * *

"What is it?"

Cosima smiled, her eyes never leaving her left forearm. "It's a dandelion. This part here is the flower and these are the seeds. See." She pointed around the tattoo gun the muscular, tattooed vixen before them was using to brand her skin.

Beth peered over her shoulder for a better look. "God we're so different, all of us."

Cosima smiled. "Yeah."

"Is this really a good idea? With your . . . weakened immune system?"

Cosima shrugged. "I'm not gonna get any diseases from this, am I?"

"Nope." The woman replied with a wink, not taking her eyes away from the tattoo.

Cosima looked to Beth with a smirk. "Comforting." Beth rolled her eyes.

Cosima chuckled and went back to watching the ink transform her skin. It was just a small tattoo from a sketch she made years ago when Beth first found her and told her she had sisters. She was sixteen and thought her life was in chaos then. If she only knew... "It's a reminder to see the beauty in everything. Just because things are scattered and messy right now doesn't mean they won't grow into something beautiful."

"So, like, stop and smell the eh...weeds?"

"Something like that." Cosima chuckled. "See, these seeds don't know where they're doing. They don't care-"

"They're seeds, Cosima."

"I know, I know, but they just go wherever the wind takes them. They go with the flow, taking whatever the universe has to offer. They're constantly flowing and changing. Growth, life, rebirth."

Beth cocked her head to the side and looked at her sister with a raised brow. "Are you high right now?"

Cosima laughed. "It's just a reminder to go with the flow." As a scientist, well a former PhD student, Cosima always wanted to know the why and how of everything. Why something is, why it does what it does, how it does what it does, what's it's point, it's purpose? No longer did she have the luxury of asking why or how. It didn't matter. "I need to be like these seeds and go whererever the wind takes me and not fight it, you know?"

Beth looked at Cosima like she had sprouted another head. Cosima loved each of her sisters with all of her heart, but sometimes she forgot that they were much less . . . complex than she was. One would think being identical that they would all have similar brain chemistry, but everything about each of them was so vastly different. Even Beth and Alison who were raised together were so different. Five identical sisters raised in four different countries. The result of having parents high on something or with undiagnosed mental illnesses who were convinced someone was out to get them and the only way to keep their daughters safe was to split them up.

"It was either this or an eskimo pie, so..."

It didn't take that long to finish the tattoo. It was simple, black, small. In and out and then, with the tattoo artist's phone number in hand, Cosima and Beth headed out on a walk. Once she got better and was re-gaining her strength Beth made it a point to take Cosima out a couple times a week. They started with short walks at first. Then as she got stronger they went on longer hikes and occasionally bike rides along Lake Ontario. Cosima sporting a hangover this morning was no excuse to neglect the  _"Gorgeous day and fresh air."_

Beth dragged Cosima to across the street from to a park with a decent walking path that lead around a pond. "I heard you got extra lucky last night."

"Extra lucky?"

"Tall. Hot. Blonde. French. "

"Did Felix call you?"

"Of course." Beth laughed. "That man is a worse gossip than any woman I've ever met."

Cosima shook her head. "Figures."

"Sooo...?"

"So, what?" Cosima deflected. The last ting she wanted to do was talk about Delphine. Nothing but the blonde woman had been running through her head since the second she untangled herself from Delphine's warm embrace and walked away. _Snuck away more like._  Any other time Cosima would have all but thrown herself at the blonde. Sunk her claws in and never let go. Someone like that didn't come around twice in a lifetime. It was against the odds she would come around once! She was every thing Cosima could ever want in a partner, but the timing sucked. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You've got to play it smarter than that Cosima." Reaching a hand out Beth stopped her sister and pulled a picture up on her phone.

"Shit, really?" Cosima looked at the picture and the few after it. All of her and Delphine at the club last night. Delphine was looking at her like she hung the moon. She pushed the phone back at Beth and started walking again.

"Felix likes her."

"Felix likes her hair."

"Hey Cosima come on!"

"What?!"

Beth held her hands up in a surrender-like gesture.

Cosima stopped and slowly turned back around toward her sister. "I'm sorry."

Beth motioned to a bench not far away and sat down, Cosima reluctantly following behind. "What's going on with you?"

"As in in general? Or right now?" Cosima shook her head and looked out over the water. Beth wouldn't push her for anything. She would accept whatever Cosima said even if she knew it wasn't the truth or Cosima was leaving things out like she liked to do. She wouldn't call her out on it, but the fact that she wouldn't also made Cosima want to tell her the truth. Because she wouldn't judge or try to push her opinions on her. "There's something about her, Beth. Have you ever met someone and instantly felt this connection? Like, you just know they will be important in your life somehow."

Beth thought for a moment, looking out across the park. "No." She finally answered. "What's she do?"

"She's an immunologist."

Beth's eye brows shot up. "An immunologist, huh? Shit Cos and you found her at Clone Club? Sounds like someone right out of a geek monkey wet dream."

Cosima laughed for a minute then turned to her sister with a serious look. "I think Delphine is more than just a bit of fun. We have this . . . connection."

"You're serious?"

"You said yourself she's something out of my wet dream. She's funny and smart and French and-"

"Drop dead gorgeous." Beth finished with a smile at her sister.

Cosima licked her lips, unconsciously shifting on the bench in a way that made her aware of the soreness between her legs. "And the sex..."

Beth raised an eyebrow. "Good?"

"There isn't even a word I can think of to describe it. It was..." Cosima shook her head. "..mind-boggling."

"Look at you." Beth beamed proudly, slinging an arm over Cosima's shoulders. "Back on the horse."

Cosima rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, not like I had any choice."

"Listen, forget about Shay. She was a piece of shit to leave you like that. If I ever see her again I'll call Sarah and we'll make sure she knows what we all think of her."

Cosima nodded, allowing herself a brief moment to be sad for her failed relationship, but what's done is done. She wouldn't take Shay back if she was right in front of her begging. Who leaves their girlfriend like that? They had plans. PhD, travel, marriage, house, kids, the works. All gone in the blink of an eye. "I don't know if I ever felt this way about Shay." She admitted softly. "I can't explain it. We don't just connect physically and emotionally, but intellectually too. It's . . . I really don't have the words for it."

"Cosima" Beth sighed. She loved her sister dearly and normally tried to keep her opinions on her life to herself, but she could hear the catch in Cosima's voice. Whatever time her sister had left she should spend happy. However that happiness came about.

"I know Beth, believe me. That's why I left. I just . . ." She sighed. "I really like her." Cosima didn't know how to put what she felt into words so she stopped trying. It was a connection she felt deep in her chest. It was so much more than a one night stand. She didn't just want to share a night of passion with the blonde. There was so much more Cosima wanted with her, but she wasn't sure how much more she had in her.

"Cos I'm not sure what to say here. I don't know if I've ever seen you this torn up about a girl. I don't know if I should tell you to go for it or tell you to stay away."

Cosima shook her head. "Any other time..."

"I know." The two sat in silence, looking out across the pond. After a few minutes Beth spoke. "If she's an immunologist does that mean she could . . ." She took a deep breath and looked at her sister. ". . that she could help you?"

Cosima shrugged. Judging by the research she did on the blonde when she got back to the loft this morning, Delphine was probably her best shot out of anyone, but she made her decision. She didn't want  _help._ Leaving and staying away from the blonde was for the best. There were new plans now – travel the world, have fun, live more in the next year than most people did in fifty. It sucked right now, but soon enough Delphine would forget about her and Cosima would . . . well, there was no forgetting someone like Delphine, but she would grow stronger in her conviction that this was for the best.  _No attachments, nobody gets hurt._


	6. Of Books and Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll just preface this and future Italy chapters by saying I've never been to Italy. I tried to do the best research I could, but I'm sure I royally messed up the distances between certain places and how long it takes to get from one to the other and such, but I tried. And this is fiction, so let's just pretend, shall we?  
> Bit of a shorter chapter, but we're back at the present time now :)

“Here, drink this.”  
  
“Delphine I'm fine.” Cosima protested, taking the bottle of water and taking a few large sips anyway.  
  
Delphine looked at Cosima with concern clearly written across her face. “Cosima you can barely catch your breath.”  
  
"It's, like, ridiculously hot today. Even the hottest day in San Fran was nowhere near this. I'm just not used to it is all." Cosima could tell by the look on the blonde's face that she didn't believe her, but luckily Delphine didn't push the issue. The tour was moving away; the guide giving her a last yearning look before leading the group around a corner out of view. Cosima wasn't even upset with the missed connection. Delphine was well capable of taking care of her needs. Honestly she's not even sure if she could have slept with the tour guide at this point. Some harmless flirting never hurt anyone and, yes, she and Delphine had an arrangement, but every time she tried to forget those amber eyes and blonde curls by losing herself in another she only found herself wanting Delphine more. The emotional roller coaster was hardly worth it. "I'm fine Delphine, really. Go finish the tour."

Delphine cast a quick glance down the street and shrugged, pulling out the chair across from Cosima and sitting down. “I've been on this tour before.”

“Right.” Cosima smirked. “Because we both know you're just here for the tour.” She mocked.

Ill-prepared for the blonde's unanticipated arrival in Florence, Cosima was having trouble keeping the feelings she had been trying to keep hidden for months at bay. She didn't want to lead Delphine on and make her think that more could happen between them. It would have been much easier if she had stayed away, but she couldn't. She tried. Everyone knew she tried to stay away, tried to forget how Delphine made her feel, but there was something that kept bringing them together. The first time she left Delphine she hadn't left with any way of contacting the other woman and yet there she was at Sarah's club the day they got back from England looking hot as hell with eyes only for Cosima.  
  
Her family had been absolutely zero help. In the beginning they, and by _they_ that was everyone but Felix, tried to help her stay strong and stay away from Delphine, but when they came back from England everything changed. Alison gushed about how it was _meant to be_ and reminded Cosima that she didn't believe in coincidences.

“ _What are the odds she's here they very night you get back? It's fate.” Alison said dreamily._

 _Cosima rolled her eyes and bit back a retort about life not being one of her sister's romance novels. “I don't believe in fate Alison.”_  
  
“ _What do you believe in, then?”_

“ _Science.” Cosima said, tossing the shot back._  
  
“ _Well, science made that tall, French goddess of a woman and made you gay enough to fall for her. Although I'm not sure how anyone could resist Delphine. Hell I'd shag her.” Felix smirked._  
  
“ _Point Felix?”_  
  
“ _My point is that science gave you two this crazy chemistry-”_  
  
“ _Seriously, I can feel the tension over here.” Sarah added._  
  
“ _Cosima” Beth glared at the rest of the lot and crossed to her sister. “Go wherever the wind takes you.” She whispered so only Cosima could hear. “Beauty comes from the scattered and messy.”_  
  
“ _I said just because things are scattered and messy doesn't mean something beautiful won't come of it, but it doesn't mean that it will.” Already she regretted explaining her tattoo to Beth. Would have been better off letting her think she just liked the design._  
  
_Alison sighed. “Well, you won't know unless you try.”_  
  
“ _Stop being so stubborn and let yourself be happy.” Beth smiled._

Cosima had been so mad at all of them that night. Then Delphine came over and one look into those eyes that haunted her dreams and she realized the were right. Whatever it was between them was too strong for her to fight. Didn't mean she didn't still try. At least for her own sanity so she didn't feel that she was setting Delphine up to get hurt, but after that she only tried when she was abroad. When she was in Toronto she only had eyes for Delphine. And now, apparently, when she was in Italy as well.

It had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to be with Delphine or her feelings not being strong enough. She did and they were, but she was dying. Before she met the blonde she told herself she would not get involved with anyone romantically. No relationships, no attachments and nobody had to sit by and watch her die and she doesn't have to leave anyone when she did. Cosima didn't want that put on her in her final days. Dying was going to be difficult enough without her heart breaking watching the woman she loved let her go. Slowly was making peace with dying, but there was no way she would ever be okay with it if she was in love. Not if she had someone here who needed her. Someone she had to let go. Her family was one thing, but a love...that was a whole other story. One she wasn't particularly interested in reading.

But Delphine . . . Delphine changed all the rules. Delphine made her want to learn French and read the damn book! Cosima kept telling herself that she just liked the blonde. She liked spending time with her, liked to geek out with her for hours over some science thing or another, liked to look over in the early hours of the morning and see Delphine lying beside her, liked the sex...okay, that one Cosima would admit she loved, but her feelings for the blonde were not there yet. At least that's what she told herself. She wouldn't let her feelings go that far. She was in control.

Amber eyes met hers across the table and both women smiled. “I really am happy you're here.” Cosima admitted honestly. “Even if you did stop talking to me for a few days with no explanation.”

Delphine chuckled softly. “I will make it up to you, I promise.”

“Oh yeah?” Cosima raised an eyebrow. “How?”

“In time, chérie. I have a plan.”

“An American and a Frenchwoman meet in Tuscany. What can go wrong?”  
  
Delphine ignored the jab. “Are you staying in Tuscany, or...” She trailed off, moving a mass of curls from one side of her head to the other.

Cosima smirked. “Why? What do you have in mind?” She asked, reaching out to take the blonde's hand in hers over the table.

“Well” Delphine began, moving closer. “There are so many beautiful cities in Italy.”

“Again, what do you have in mind?”

“What have you seen so far?”

Cosima took a breath and thought. “Well, if you had bothered to talk to me the past few days you would have seen all the pictures.” She teased. “I've only been to Pisa so far. And then here, obvs.”

Delphine nodded, considering. “Then you will want to see Chianti and somewhere along the coast-one of the towns in Cinque Terre maybe?”

"Mhmm." Cosima nodded. "Yeah, sounds good." She had no plan. That was the point. Book a flight and somewhere to stay and the rest was up to chance. "Then what?"

“What about venturing out of Tuscany? Going to Rome? There is so much history there.”

"Uh-huh." Cosima murmured as she left her seat and walked around the small circular table until she was standing beside Delphine. Wordlessly she pushed the blonde back in the chair and situated herself across her lap, smiling as she let her arms trail up slender arms, resting her forearms on strong shoulders and clasping her hands behind the blonde's neck. Her lips immediately went to that sweet spot on the blonde's neck under her jaw that Cosima knew drove her wild.

“Or Venice?” Delphine panted. “You know it's known as the city of romance.”

“I thought that was Paris?” Cosima asked as she moved her lips slowly down the blonde's neck.

“Paris is the city of love.” Delphine clarified as she grabbed Cosima's face and crashed their lips together.

Cosima whimpered, letting the blonde lead their kiss for a few dizzying moments. “What's the difference?”

Delphine smiled into another kiss then rested her forehead against Cosima's. “Perhaps you will have to see to find out?”

Cosima took a few deep breaths as she considered her options. There were worse things than visiting the city of romance with the beautiful blonde. “When do you have to go back?”

“I have two weeks.”

Cosima nodded. She didn't have a return flight booked so she could do whatever she wanted. “So I'll have my very own French, Italian tour guide?”

“Are you sure you wouldn't prefer Francesca?”

Cosima shrugged, pretending to ponder the question for a moment. Jealousy was a green-eyed monster and it really shouldn't be, but it was damn sexy on the Frenchwoman. She looked back down the street. “Do you think you can get her back?” The look of mock hurt that crossed the blonde's face was enough to force a smile on Cosima's face. “I'm totally kidding. You are the only tour guide I want; French, Italian, or otherwise there is no one I'd rather spend my time with.”

The admission left Cosima feeling vulnerable. Sometimes her mouth just ran off before her brain caught up. It was more than she wanted to say, but it wasn't a lie.

Delphine smiled, looking away so Cosima couldn't see the blush that covered her cheeks. "D'accord." It was obvious to her that Cosima didn't share her feelings easily so the admission, even accidental, warmed her heart. If only Cosima knew what she meant to her maybe she would share her feelings more easily? But they had been walking this line for months now and Cosima was always careful not to cross it. Well, by the end of the trip she wouldn't have a choice. Things were going to change one way or another.

“Okay.” Cosima smiled, cupping Delphine's face in her hands. “Chianti, the coast, Rome, Venice, let's do it. But tomorrow. We're already here today and tonight...” She leaned down so her mouth was at the blonde's ear. “Tonight I have plans for you.”

But her heart did beat a little faster whenever the doctor was around. Her steps became lighter, her thoughts happier, her disease a distant concept - an after thought, not the guiding force of her life it usually was. Delphine set her soul on fire and even Cosima couldn't pretend that wasn't real. Any other time she would admit she was in love, but not now. She couldn't be in love. Love was too real of a concept. Love required time she didn't have, so it was easier to live in denial. 


	7. Sorry, Not Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter today! And a long one :) And it's NSFW so there's that

"Cosima we are going to be late!" Delphine protested as a pair of warm lips attached themselves to the back of her neck and strong arms wrapped around her waist.

"Yeah, well, you know me." Cosima mumbled between kisses. "Kinda always late, so" She turned Delphine around in her arms. "Kinda always sorry."

Delphine let her head fall back under the spray of the shower as Cosima palmed a breast in her hand. "You are not sorry  _at all_." Honestly neither was she, but Cosima didn't need to know that. It had been a risk coming to Italy to surprise Cosima. She knew too well of their agreement. Cosima could have had someone to travel with, someone to share her bed, but she did it anyway. Cosima's constant absence from her life was starting to affect her in a way that was far outside the boundaries of their little deal. It was a physical need to have the brunette close. One she didn't understand and had never felt before. One she was sure Cosima felt as well.

Cosima smirked. "Not even a little bit."

Delphine nodded breathlessly, eyes fluttering shut as she leaned forward and kissed Cosima until neither of them had any breath left in their bodies. "We have a train to..." She tried to protest, but Cosima took a nipple into her mouth and all coherent thought left her. "...catch."

"Say the word and I'll stop." Cosima purred as her mouth moved to Delphine's other breast and her hands started slowly trailing lower down the blonde's wet body.

Delphine reached out an arm to steady herself against the shower wall. Too late to stop now. "If you stop I will hurt you." They could always postpone their plans. They already did once as they couldn't find it in themselves to leave the bed yesterday. What was another day? When in Rome, right...

Cosima smirked. "I thought as much." Capturing Delphine's lips once again, her hands came to the blonde's hips and pulled her as close against her as humanely possible. Her tongue was quickly granted entrance and she explored every inch of Delphine's mouth. The doctor moaned as Cosima's hands reached the apex of her legs, sliding slowly down the bare mound to her wet center. "Jesus Delphine." She moaned. "Excited much."

"Are you complaining?"

"Absolutely not. I love it. I just thought after last night there wouldn't be anything left." It was easy to feel the blonde's arousal around the spray of the shower and she was absolutely soaked. Cosima enjoyed running her fingers up and down the length of Delphine's sex, coating her fingers in the slippery wetness she caused. It still sometimes blew her mind that this beautiful, brilliant woman wanted her; that she was the one responsible for Delphine's increased heart and respiration rates, the dilation of her pupils, the rose colored flush over her body...her arousal.

"Cosima stop teasing!"

With a smirk Cosima easily slipped two fingers into the blonde. Swallowing Delphine's moans, the brunette quickly worked her up to a writhing, squirming, thrusting mess. Delphine was wet enough that Cosima slid a third finger in without any resistance. When she noticed the blonde's breathing pick up she changed her angle so that with each thrust the heel of her hand was hitting the doctor's clit. Delphine was forced to wrap her arms around Cosima to keep herself up right as her body stated to tremble.

"Cosima..."

"Don't worry baby I'm right here." As she thrust, Cosima drew her teeth gently up Delphine's neck until she found her mouth again. The blonde was so close. She was moaning into their kisses and her walls were squeezing Cosima's fingers tighter with each thrust. Soon Delphine's hips started thrusting out of rhythm and her body shook as her orgasm took over, burying her face in the crook of Cosima's neck as she rode out her high. Only when Delphine stopped trembling and started taking deep breaths to calm herself did Cosima stop and withdraw her fingers. Amber eyes darkening as Cosima sucked the arousal from her fingers did not go unnoticed.

"You know, if we hadn't been up all night doing this I'd be tempted to continue."

"Again?" Delphine panted. Delphine gave as good as she got so keeping up with Cosima's sexual appetite had never been an issue, but if the brunette truly wanted to go again it would have to be the first time Delphine ever told her no. They had been up most of the night and it was very early in the morning.

"Yeah." Cosima confirmed with a smirk. She knew the blonde's body and judging by how fast she just coaxed that orgasm out of her body, Delphine was good for a while. Everyone eventually needs a recovery period. "But at some point today we do have a train to catch and a lot of walking ahead of us and I don't want you to be too sore."

Delphine closed her eyes and bit down on her lower lip, nodding in agreement as she stepped back under the water. For a few moments she let the water wash over her, hoping the lukewarm temperature would bring some relief to her overheated body.

"I'm gonna go get-"

Delphine reached out and grabbed Cosima's wrist and pulled her back against her. "The only thing you are  _getting_  is off ma chérie." While her body needed a sexual break, she knew Cosima's wouldn't which was a good thing because after what Cosima just did to her she needed Cosima's body writhing under her touch. Needed to see her pupils dilate, her pulse quicken, her body shake. She needed to watch Cosima come undone.

Cosima shuttered in anticipation. It was so unbelievably sexy to her the things that came out of this graceful, poised, composed woman's mouth when they were in private. No one would expect it by looking at her. Which was probably the point, Cosima reasoned. A lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets and all. It was a part of Delphine only she got to see and maybe for that reason it was one of Cosima's favorite parts of her.

There was no preamble, no foreplay. For as well as Cosima knew Delphine's body, the blonde also knew her body and knew that getting Delphine off was enough warm-up for her. "Wouldn't be anything left?" Delphine teased as her fingers easily slid into Cosima. This was never an issue between them. One look from either of them and the other was a puddle. It was so easy. It was the only thing about any of this that was.

"I said that for you. You know what you do to me." Cosima moaned as she blonde thrust her fingers agonizingly slowly – pulling out completely and then thrusting as far in as her slender fingers would go.

"Oui." Delphine agreed with a slow, passionate kiss with her tongue mimicking the rhythm of her fingers. "I do."

Cosima groaned and threw her head back in frustration as Delphine removed her fingers, this time not thrusting them back inside. "No one likes a tease Delphine."

"Oh, mon amour, when have I ever  _just_  teased you?"

Cosima didn't remember much French from her high school days, but that one she knew. Her spine straightened as reality came crashing down directly on top of her. With a few quick, panicked breaths she told herself it was just the heat of the moment. People said things they didn't mean during sex all the time. It was the flood of endorphins and hormones. It didn't mean anything. It couldn't mean anything.

She prayed it didn't mean anything.

Her internal freak-out would have to wait though because Delphine dropped to her knees in front of her, guided a leg up over her shoulder and buried her face deep in Cosima's sex. They were on a time crunch if they wanted to make the train for a day trip to the Cinque Terre region and she knew this was the quickest way to get Cosima off. With one hand she spread Cosima open so she could lick and suck as she pleased.

Cosima braced her arms against the walls of the shower as Delphine worked her tongue deep inside her. It was embarrassing, really, how quickly Delphine could work her up in this way. Any other day she would have fought to prolong her release as long as she could, but she was really looking forward to the day's adventure, but at least if Delphine was going to make her get up this early she was making it enjoyable. In one swift motion Delphine wrapped her lips around Cosima's clit and drew her tongue back and forth on the underside of the sensitive bud while two fingers plunged deep into her core. "Shit, Delphine, harder."

The blonde acquiesced immediately and soon Cosima was crumbling around her.

Delphine stood and wrapped her arms around the smaller woman just as Cosima's legs gave out; kissing her neck, her cheeks, her forehead, the tip of her nose, finally landing a slow and dizzying kiss on her lips.

"Holy shit."

"Yeah?" Delphine smiled.

Cosima nodded with a few deep breaths. "Don't get cocky, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to walk today."

With a few more gentle kisses and caresses Delphine got out of the shower, leaving the brunette to shower while she got ready. Surprisingly Cosima showered and dressed quickly, donning a pair of flowy harem pants in bright, bold colors and a black tank top. Delphine opted for a pair of burgandy shorts that made her impossibly long legs look even longer and a flowy cream colored sleeveless top. She had her hair pinned back, low at the base of her skull and Cosima had to tear her eyes away or they really would miss their train.

"Do you have your swim suit?"

"Yep." Cosima pulled her tank-top down revealing a dark, multi-colored halter top. "You?"

Delphine nodded. "Of course."

"Do we need anything else?"

"I don't think so." Delphine had packed while Cosima was finishing her shower - towels, sunscreen, sunglasses, wallets, water bottles. Delphine Cormier was nothing if not a prepared traveler. "Do you have a change of clothes?"

Cosima held up her backpack. "I just need my make-up bag." If she would be going in the water she would need to re-apply when they were finished. It was one thing that had really changed since she had been sick. Her dreads were gone and that completely changed her entire image, but her winged eyeliner was another thing she was known for. She spent so much time being too sick to do her make-up and feeling like she wasn't herself that she made sure to have it done at nearly all times now. It made her feel more human; more like the old Cosima.

"I'll grab it." Back in the bathroom Delphine had to laugh at the mess. Make-up was all over the counter along with various rings, bracelets, necklaces and a bra was hanging from the lights above the mirror. She tried, and failed, not to remember the events that lead to the particular garment being tossed high enough to get caught up there. With a smirk she grabbed the make-up from over the counter and opened the small black bag on the floor beside the sink to put it all in. "Cosima?"

"Yeah?"

"What is this?" From within the black bag she pulled out a rather large bottle with one hand and two other smaller ones with the other.

"What's what-" Cosima's eyes went wide. She shook her head to give herself a second to think of something -  _anything_ , to cover up what they really were. "Oh, Alison is on some serious health kick. She's convinced I can't possibly be getting all of the vitamins I need when I'm out of Canada so she's making me take these." As calmly as she could she took the bag and medications and shoved them back in, hoping Delphine wouldn't see right through the lie if she couldn't look into her eyes.

"That many pills?"

"Yeah, well, like I said she's on a serious health kick. . . She uh doesn't like multivitamins. Says they have too much of stuff you don't need and too little of stuff you do so she prefers to get all the vitamins separately to make sure to get the correct doses." She walked back into the room, hoping Delphine would let it go. She wasn't like Sarah. She wasn't good at coming up with things on the fly, but Delphine had met all of her sisters and saw a couple of Alison's neurotic tendencies first hand so she hoped the blonde would accept it. That or Delphine might think she was a pill popper and, honestly, that was better than her knowing she was sick.

"And the inhalers?"

"Asthma." She continued to lie, subtly pocketing one of the said inhalers. If they were going to be doing a lot of walking she needed to have one with her. Even if she wasn't currently coughing or hacking up blood, her lungs were still riddled with growths and she was never quite sure how much they could take. As quickly as she could she shoved the small bag into her big suitcase in the closet and zipped it back up. "Ready to go?" She couldn't even meet Delphine's eyes. If she did and saw that Delphine didn't believe her she wasn't sure what she would do. The medication was essential to keeping her symptoms in check and slowing the progression of her disease as much as they could.

Somehow she would have to figure out a way to take them without Delphine seeing. So far she had managed it, but now that Delphine knew a case of mysterious pills existed she would be looking. It was one thing to see these  _vitamins_  in a bag, but another to see Cosima taking a rainbow pill cocktail twice, sometimes three times, a day. It would definitely make the doctor question.

* * *

Despite their late start they got to the train station with ten minutes to spare and met their tour guide, their male tour guide, and the other four people in their tour and began their adventure for the day. It was a short train ride in which they got to know their fellow tour-goers and the guide told them of the day's plans and the history of the various places they would visit. Cosima was sure Delphine didn't believe her explanation back in the hotel room. They both knew she was too smart for that, but aside from a few questioning looks Delphine dropped the topic completely and after a quick shot of vodka one of their tour companions brought with her, the tension and unease on Cosima's part let up.

They started at the largest and southernmost of the five villages they were set to explore in Cinque Terre – Riomaggiore. It was a historical village dating back to the thirteenth century. The views were simply breathtaking and Cosima was glad that she chose to bring her actual camera because her cell phone surely would not be able to keep up if she took this many pictures at every stop. They walked hand-in-hand down the small, cobbled streets as they looked out at the views across the water and up the hills and at the pastel-colored buildings lining the streets. Of course they drank their first glasses of wine there despite it still being early morning. Riomaggiore was well known for it's local wine. Actually, each of the five towns were and Cosima and Delphine were inclined to try some at each stop regardless of the time of day.

There was a legend in the route that connected Riomaggiore to their next village, Manarola, known as Via Dell'Amore or Love Walk. It was said that a long, long time ago young men from Manarola used to go to the river near Riomaggiore to get water and as usually happened in neighboring towns back then, at least in legends, the two villages were less than friendly with one another.

It was said that of the boys from Manarola met this beautiful young woman from Riommagiore and, as luck would have it, they fell in love.  _Typical._ But they had to keep their love hidden and see each other in secret.  _Even more typical._ The girl had older brothers, because don't they always?, who found out about the secret romance and locked her in the house. Of course she managed to get out and went to the boy she loved, but tragically they both slipped into the sea and died. It was said that their determination to see one another despite the consequences is what changed the relationship of the two villages who have lived in harmony since.

They took a lot of pictures together on that route.

Manarola was next. The small fishing village was one of the oldest and as such held a lot of medieval history. They weren't there long, but had the required glass of wine and took plenty of pictures during their walk along the harbor.

Then they came to the smallest of the five villages, Corniglia. It had a population of under three hundred, which was smaller than Cosima's high school graduating class. The only way to get there was to climb an extremely steep staircase. Cosima almost didn't make it as her lungs screamed for air, but she shot her lungs full of steroids and pressed on and was glad she did. The panoramic view they got at the top was absolutely amazing.

Delphine was pressed against her back, holding her close by the waist as they looked out and Cosima had to stealthily brush a tear away with a shaky hand (albuterol was a bitch on the nervous system). The view was just . . . it really drove home that there was so much Cosima wanted to see and do before she died. The world was such a big place and she was just one little person in it. Never had she been more sure in her decision to leave the hospital and live than she was in that moment. If only there was a way for her to live and see and do everything, but that just wasn't in the cards for her. They took some pictures, had a glass of wine and moved onto the next town.

By boat they traveled to Monterosso where they started with lunch of sea food, pasta, and of course, wine. Naturally, with all this wine the women were feeling tipsy, but not in a sloppy can't walk sort of way. Just in a happy, nothing else matters but you and I, here and now, sort of way. Cosima was able to forget that Delphine saw her case of meds and that she needed to keep her emotional distance from the blonde and was just able to just be.

After lunch they enjoyed a couple of hours of sand and sun. They must have had to re-apply sunscreen to Delphine's pale form at least four times, but it had been worth it. They tanned, they took selfies on the beach, they swam, they had a splash war with the others from their tour during which Cosima had to drag Dephine away from their " _over-friendly'"_ tour guide - Delphine's words, of course. Cosima knew what he wanted and as long as she was there Delphine was off limits to anyone else.

Cosima knew it was selfish. She and Delphine could spend time together and enjoy each other's bodies, but they would never be together - at least not in the way that would make her justified in wanting to keep Delphine to herself.

"Are you jealous?"

"Of Tarzan over there?" Cosima scoffed. "Please. I am like, totes, hotter."

Delphine chuckled softly, cupping Cosima's face and forcing the brunette to look into her eyes. "You have nothing to worry about." She said, gently brushing her thumbs over Cosima's cheeks before pulling her into a kiss. "I don't want anyone but you."

That did not make Cosima feel any better.

Thankfully then it was time for their two-hour kayak tour. It had been a while since Cosima kayaked and she was pretty sure she had pushed her body enough for one day, so they opted for a double kayak.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Delphine looked deep into Cosima's hazel eyes and slowly raised an eyebrow. "I just think it would be more romantic to take one." She said seductively. "But if you don't want to-"

"Non, non. I do. You are right."

A pit was forming at the bottom of Cosima's stomach making her feel physically ill from of all the lying, but she pushed it down. The alternative wasn't any better. She wasn't emotionally ready to tell Delphine she was sick. She hoped to never have to tell her even if that meant ending things. It would hurt the blonde less if she walked away rather than telling her she was sick. It's one thing for a person to not want you anymore. It was another for them to want you so much, but it not to matter because they were dying.

They paddled along the crystal waters, catching a pod of dolphins in the distance. They paddled past cliffs and caves and stopped for a swim at a little hidden spring. On the way back they stopped at a cove accessible only by the water and had some more wine. Cosima smiled and laughed with the tour, resting securely in Delphine's arms, but it was forced laughter, forced happiness and Delphine could tell. Sensing something going on within the brunette, Delphine refilled Cosima's glass and pulled her closer.

"Here, give me your camera."

The two pressed their cheeks together as Delphine held the camera up and just before she pressed the button to take a picture she turned and kissed Cosima's cheek. Cosima's eyes closed as she smiled and dipped her head in Delphine's direction. If she questioned either of their feelings before, that photo sealed the deal. You could just see how much they loved each other by looking at it.

The final stop on the tour was the last village, a seaside town known as Vernazza. They moseyed their way through the fourteenth century church of Margaret of Antioch and the Belforte Tower and the ruins of a ninth century castle. They walked along the winding streets, drinking wine and taking pictures before stopping for a quick dinner then boarding the train back to Florence.

Cosima had to hand it to the blonde, she picked a great tour for them to go on. Aside from the mounting tension she was trying to hide from Delphine, she had an amazing time. Between calling her " _mon amour"_  in the shower this morning and what she said to Cosima at the beach and the love you could plainly feel looking at the picture they took at the cove, Cosima was in agony. She knew Delphine had strong feelings for her. You would have to be an idiot not to see that and she had strong feelings for her too, but she refused to act on them. They had an arrangement.

" _I'm not asking for a relationship. I am too busy myself. I practically live in my lab. It doesn't leave many opportunities for romance. And that is fine, that is what I signed up for, it is what I've spent my whole life working toward. I love my work, but that doesn't mean I can't make time for you when you are in Toronto."_  
  
Italy aside, this had evolved far beyond Toronto. They were both invested. It was too late for Cosima to pull back now. Every look, every touch, every kiss further proved the depth of their feelings for one another. They were both going to get hurt now regardless of what happened. but she would deal with that after Italy. Delphine was already here and wanted to share this with her and Cosima wanted to share it with her as well. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so what happens in Italy stays in Italy . . . right? Their feelings for one another were already clear for anyone to see so what could really happen? It wasn't like enjoying the next two weeks were going to make them fall in love – they already were. She just needed to keep herself from saying it and everything would be fine.


	8. The Heart Wants

6.5 MONTHS AGO

"Felix, gosh golly gee willikers, you did not do that?!" Alison exclaimed in genuine horror.  
  
Felix, Sarah and Cosima were too busy cracking up to respond.  
  
"Brother-sestra is funny!" Helena snorted.  
  
"You should have seen the look on their faces!" Felix said through laughter as Helena and Beth joined in.  
  
"They were bloody well not expecting to see that. They turn around and there's Fee bare-arsed and-"

"I very highly doubt they found it funny." Alison protested.  
  
"Oh, lighten up Ali." Cosima smirked. "It was pretty funny." As expected, England with Sarah and Felix had been a lot of fun. A lot of, most likely, highly illegal fun, but the experience of a lifetime nonetheless.  
  
"And don't you dare tell S! She'll have my bloody hide." Felix begged.  
  
"Okay, so where to next?" Sarah asked when she had finally calmed down, signaling to the bartender for another round.  
  
"Oh!" Beth exclaimed. "I got my time off approved. Next month you, me, viva Brazil baby!"  
  
Cosima held up her glass, waiting for the others to do the same. "Brazil!" They all cheered to that, glasses clinking all around then broke off into conversation.  
  
"So Sarah you must be excited to see Kira." Alison began.  
  
"Oh, absolutely. She gets back tomorrow with her dad. I can't wait. I missed her so much." Sarah admitted.  
  
Helena nodded. "I think too that you miss the father of little Kira."  
  
"Ooohhh." Beth cheered, nudging Sarah with her elbow. "Have you been holding out on us? Are you and Cal you and Cal again?"  
  
"Oi, piss off." Sarah turned beet red. "How are you and Paul?" A quick, playful shoving matched followed between the two and Cosima nodded her thanks to the bartender who handed her a full glass of wine - none of that half-full bullshit the paying customers got.  
  
It was a short while and two more glasses of wine later that found Cosima listening to Helena talk about this tow truck driver she met while they were away when the blonde noticed someone in the crowd. "She is pretty, Sestra. She looks at you like puppy."  
  
Cosima closed her eyes and took a deep breath, knowing immediately who Helena was talking about. Thanks to Felix's big mouth and quick fingers with the camera on his phone, all of her sisters knew about Delphine. She was not ready for this right now.  
  
Despite her hope that with everyday apart she would grow stronger in her conviction that walking away had been for the best, she found the opposite happened. She found herself thinking that Beth and Felix were right. Maybe she should take a chance with the blonde, but then she thought why would anyone as perfect as Delphine settle for a part-time deal with her when she could have everything she wanted with just about anyone else?  
  
"Bloody hell Cos, go get your girl, yeah?"  
  
"Felix!" Cosima protested.  
  
"You said yourself you're not an emotionless robot." He argued.  
  
"Cosima, what's the point in that tattoo telling you not to fight if that's all you're doing? There was a reason you got the tattoo." Beth said gently."All I can say is that there is so little joy in the world. Don't let yours slip away."  
  
"What are the odds she's here they very night you get back? It's fate." Cosima groaned as she argued with Alison about fate and science that eventually everyone joined in. Thankfully Sarah came to her rescue and took everyone's glasses and pushed them away to the dance floor when Delphine started walking over.  
  
Alison sighed. "Well, you won't know unless you try."  
  
"Stop being so stubborn and let yourself be happy." Beth called over her shoulder.  
  
"Welcome to Clone Club, Delphine." Sarah raised her glass before knocking it down.  
  
Delphine stood there with wide eyes, watching the others leave then looking back and forth between Sarah and Cosima. "You are clones-"  
  
"No." Sarah said quickly. "Just no one ever believes we're quints." She explained.  
  
"Apparently human clones are more believable." Cosima added. "Sarah owns the club. She thought the name was funny."  
  
"It is funny." The punk said, signaling to the bartender to get Delphine a refill. Red wine, of course. She and Cosima were a bloody perfect match. With an eyebrow raised in Cosima's direction, Sarah silently asked whether or not she should leave the two of them alone. After a moment Cosima nodded and Sarah joined the others on the dance floor.  
  
Sarah may not have graduated high school, but she knew a lot more than most. She knew the blonde had been on Cosima's mind the entire time they were in England. Cosima said nothing could happen, but Sarah knew better. Cosima's heart and mind were at complete odds with one another; something her sister wasn't used to. As a scientist, Cosima reacted to things with logic and reason, but Sarah knew that logic and reason weren't going to help her here.  
  
" _Cos can I ask you something?" Sarah began as she took the stool beside her sister just vacated by an attractive brunette._  
  
_Cosima nodded. "Yeah, of course."_  
  
_Sarah watched the woman re-join a group at the other side of the bar before turning to her sister. "Is this about that blonde back home?"_  
  
" _Delphine?"_  
  
" _Delphine? Jesus" Sarah scoffed. "No wonder you're so torn up."_  
  
" _I am not torn up."_  
  
" _No? Then how did you know who I was talking about? And why are you chasing away every woman who comes over to you tonight?"_  
  
" _Not every woman." Cosima protested. "I haven't chased you away."_  
  
" _Yet." Sarah said seriously. "Come on." She began softer. "You've been moping around like someone took your puppy away. I know you like her, but you also have this ridiculous 'no attachments, nobody gets hurt' motto here. Which, by the way, is complete bullshit. People don't work that way." She looked at Cosima. "I just need to know what you want me to do."_  
  
" _I don't know Sar." Cosima took a deep breath and shook her head. "I keep thinking about her. I just...I like her, but I can't you know?"_  
  
_Sarah shook her head. "Too bloody well."_  
  
"You . . . there . . . euh-"  
  
"I am an identical quintuplet." Cosima explained, as Delphine's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "The one who was just here is Sarah. Then there's Beth, Alison and Helena. And Sarah's foster brother Felix, but we all call him our brother."  
  
"How is he her brother but not everyone's?"  
  
"We were all raised in different places. I grew-up in San Francisco, Beth and Alison together here in Toronto, Helena in the Ukraine and Sarah in London and now we all live here."  
  
Delphine shook her head. "Wow."  
  
"Yeah." Cosima chuckled. "Welcome to the trip, man."  
  
"How is that possible?"  
  
"Story for another day."  
  
Delphine nodded as she took a minute to let that all sink in. "Can I sit?"  
  
"Yeah, of course." Cosima waited until the blonde sat down beside her. "I'm really sorry about the other day. You know, leaving like that. Sarah called and needed me to watch my niece."  
  
Delphine regarded Cosima with an expression the brunette couldn't read as the bartender handed her her glass of wine - which she downed half of in one gulp. "You are a bad liar, but Cosima it's your life-"  
  
"Delphine" Cosima began, not knowing where to start. Never in her life had she been so thoroughly conflicted. Everyone's voices were sounding off in her head and she didn't know who to listen to. The dandelion on her arm caught her eye and the voices stopped.  _Go wherever the wind takes me_.  
  
Cosima was a scientist, yes, but she was also a very spiritual person. Not in the God sense or religion or anything like that, but she did believe that things happened for a reason. Though she was still wrestling with the idea that her illness had a reason, but she was sure in time it would come to her. What were the odds Delphine, this brilliant and beautiful goddess of a woman, would still be single first of all, and would be at her sister's club the night they got back from almost three weeks in England?  
  
Cosima didn't believe in coincidence. There had to be a reason. She hadn't gotten a last name or a phone number so even if she wanted to she didn't have a way of contacting Delphine, but yet here she was. Might as well be served up by the universe on a silver platter. She chuckled to herself.  _Okay, I get it._  
  
"My life is just really complicated right now Delphine." She began honestly. "I don't even have an address. I'm not in Toronto much. We just got back from England. I'm . . ." She paused to search for how she wanted to put this. D _ying and traveling as much as I can, seeing as much as I can, before I kick the bucket?_ "Traveling. A lot right now. Taking a . . . sabbatical before I finish my PhD." The lie slipped out so easily bringing with it a red hot pit in her stomach. Cosima never liked to lie, but sometimes, especially in regards to her incurable illness, it was necessary.  
  
"Are you traveling again soon?"  
  
"Yeah. Beth and I are going to explore the Amazon." Her eyes lit up just thinking about all the different things they would see. It hadn't been one of the top places on Cosima's list, but Beth had always wanted to go. Beth's bone marrow saved her life so this trip was the least Cosima could do. Maybe they would discover a new species of something.  _Cosimarillis_ was a pretty name for a flower.  
  
Not that she would admit this to anyone, but Cosima wasn't sure if her lungs were in any condition to make this particular trip. With the amount of strain she would be putting on her body with the exercise and the high humidity and her lungs still being weak, it might not be the smartest move on her part. But she reasoned that if she was going to make a trip like that it was better to make it now when she was doing well rather than wait and miss the chance.  
  
"I think we need to get some shots or something before we go, so we won't be leaving for like two, three weeks."  
  
"How long will you be gone?"  
  
"A month."  
  
"And after that?"  
  
"Wherever the wind takes me." Cosima shrugged. "I have a list of places I want to visit. Mrs. S, Sarah and Felix's foster mother, is Irish and said she'd be happy to show me Ireland, Helena won't stop going on about the churches and convents in the Ukraine, Sarah's hung up on Mexico now and I've always wanted to see Barcelona." She shrugged again, her hands flying all around as she spoke. "I don't have a plan. That's kind of the point. Just go wherever the wind take me."  
  
"Well, by that reasoning, this  _wind_  seems to have taken you to to me then wouldn't you agree?"  
  
"Well . . . seeing as  _you_  found  _me_  at my sister's club I'd say more like it brought  _you_  to _me_ , but same concept. I agree." Cosima shook her head and smiled. "How do you know the perfect thing to say?"  
  
"It's a gift." Dephine replied with a shrug and a smirk. "But for future reference if you are trying to avoid me-"  
  
"I'm not, I promise." Reaching between the two of them Cosima's hand found it's way to Delphine's, linking and unlinking their fingers as she pondered her next words. "I . . . I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time." She confessed honestly. "I don't know what I'm doing, but you're way more than I expected."  
  
Cosima was at war with herself. Her mind was telling her this wasn't a good idea. Stick to her plan. A night with someone then cut it off so no one gets hurt, but her heart wanted to grab onto Delphine and never let go. She was torn. Deep down she knew this would happen. She wasn't the one night stand type. Cosima led with her heart and let everything else follow. It never steered her wrong before, but it wasn't fair to put any part of the current sate of her life on another person.  
  
Sensing the internal battle raging within the brunette, Delphine leaned forward and kissed her deeply, pouring every emotion she could into the kiss. Cosima absolutely melted into the taste of red wine and Delphine.  
  
As a scientist she knew nothing was ever achieved without taking a chance. It was about time she took that same risk in her personal life. "I like you Delphine. I  _really_  do. My life is just ..." Cosima trailed off. There wasn't a word to adequately describe her life at the moment. How do you tell someone you are already living on borrowed time? "..so complicated right now." She spoke with a sorrow and a heaviness that made the blonde pause.  
  
With a gentle hand Delphine guided Cosima's chin up, offering the vulnerable woman a smile when their eyes met "Are you saying that you don't want this to go any further? Is that why you left that morning? Because I am a big girl, Cosima. I can handle it."  
  
"Oh, God no." Cosima exclaimed, taking Delphine's hand in her own again. "I definitely do it's just that there's no way you would want to be with me with everything I've got going on right now. I was with my ex for years and even she couldn't handle it." It wasn't explainable. There was just a part of her that knew Delphine was meant to be a very important part of her life. It petrified her. If her girlfriend of four years couldn't handle her disease why on earth would someone she just met want to take that on?  _No attachment, nobody gets hurt._  
  
"Cosima . . . I don't know your life. You don't even have to tell me what's going on if you don't want to. I don't know what is going to happen, but I want to see what does." She looked deep into hazel eyes as her hand gently caressed the side of Cosima cheek, willing the other woman to feel the sincerity in her words. "All I know is that I want to get to know you and see what this could be. Maybe it's nothing," Cosima looked at her with a raised brow making Delphine smile. Judging by the connection they both felt and their undeniable chemistry, neither of them believed that for a second. "But whatever it is we won't know until we try. If you want to."  
  
"I definitely want to." Cosima smiled and leaned in for another kiss. In fact she more than wanted to, but what she wanted and what could be were two very different things. "But I'm traveling and-"  _Dying._  
  
"Are you married?"  
  
Cosima paused. "Of course not."  
  
"Do you have a girlfriend?"  
  
"Yeah, because if I did I'm sure she would appreciate me sitting here talking to you like this. Not to mention what we did a few weeks ago. You caught me."  
  
Delphine smiled. "You...are...a serial killer on the run?"  
  
"Dammit now I'm gonna have to kill you too. And you really are too pretty to die." She chuckled, leaning in for a kiss which Delphine gave eagerly.  
  
Delphine allowed herself to drown into the other woman for a few minutes before pulling away and sitting up. "As much as I enjoy that Cosima, I don't want . . ." She searched for the word. " . . whatever this is to be purely that, you know?"  
  
Cosima sat up as well. "You mean purely physical?"  
  
"Yes." Delphine agreed. "I like you Cosima." A warmth spread out from Cosima's chest at the other woman's smile. "I want to get to know you."  
  
An icy chill shot up Cosima's spine, but out of the corner of her eye she saw her new tattoo. Why did she just brand herself with it if she wasn't willing to listen to what it meant?  
  
"I'm not asking for a relationship. I am too busy myself. I practically live in my lab. It doesn't leave many opportunities for romance. And that is fine, that is what I signed up for, it is what I've spent my whole life working toward. I love my work, but that doesn't mean I can't make time for you when you are in Toronto." Delphine took a sip of her wine and continued. "And I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't see anyone else while you're traveling or even when you're here. I'm French. We enjoy lovers, but I just hope you will give me a chance."  
  
"Why would you want that? I'm sure everywhere you go there's a line of people who want you. You could have anyone."  
  
"Yes." Delphine admitted with a soft smile before turning to Cosima and looking deep into her eyes. "But I want you."  
  
Cosima swallowed thickly and took a deep breath. If she didn't calm herself down she would end up taking Delphine right here in the middle of Clone Club and Sarah would never forgive her for tainting her precious club.  
  
"Soooo?"  
  
Cosima smiled up at the blonde. Already she could hear Beth's gloating in her head. "Yeah. Yeah I want that too." Cosima wasn't sure if she believed in love at first sight. From experience she believed that love came with time. Spending time with someone and getting to know them and seeing how their life fit in with hers and she didn't want to say that she had fallen for Delphine already. That would make things too real too quickly and she wasn't ready for that, but there was something here. Cosima never apologized for her heart . . . she wasn't about to start now. "What are your plans for the weekend?"

 


	9. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No idea why I wanted to make Delphine skate. She's tall and leggy and graceful and I think she would rock it. I wanted to have this chapter up a few days ago, but uh...life? But I edited the chapter again today and added like 700 words so its now a super long chapter so that should make up for it. I'm also still looking for my muse, so if anyone sees her kindly send her this way or this story will never get finished.  
> 

6.5 MONTHS AGO

"Wait, so you have your M.D too? Have you had any kind of life as an adult?" Cosima was thoroughly impressed. In the fast-paced field they were in, with people with more degrees than they had space on their walls to display, it took a lot to impress her, but that more than did the trick. Working on her own PhD took so much of her time she couldn't imagine having the time to get a medical degree along with it. And at her age...people like Delphine weren't supposed to exist.  
  
“Not really, no.” Delphine chuckled softly. Almost sadly, Cosima thought when Delphine could no longer hold her gaze. “I don't do much patient care anymore.” She continued to explain. “I prefer to focus on the research.”  
  
“No, nope. I don't buy it.” Cosima shook her head. “There is no way you are into the hard sciences.” She closed out of the folder of every article ever written by Dr. Delphine Cormier and set the laptop aside. When they first met Delphine told her she was an immunologist, but reading her research and seeing how her mind worked was an entirely different wealth of knowledge than the say-so of a beautiful blonde trying to get Cosima into bed. Part of her was actually hoping the _'I'm a doctor'_ bit was an act to impress people. It was a lot easier than acknowledging the fact that Delphine probably had the skill and the knowledge to cure her disease.  
  
Delphine shook her head as she picked up the tall drinking glass from the nightstand. “Why is it so hard to believe?” She asked as she took a sip of water, Cosima's eyes not being able to leave her lips as they pressed against the dark glass. The things those lips had done.....  
  
Forcing herself to look away, Cosima took a deep breath. Her body still hummed happily with the memory of Delphine's hands and lips and tongue in all the right places. She could feel her lips gently nipping at the skin on her neck, her tongue swirling around her navel, her fingers parting her dripping, swollen folds. Her lip found its way between her teeth in an attempt to cool her overcharged libido, but there was no stopping the blush slowly rising up her neck. There is no denying that Cosima had always had a very healthy sex drive, but something about the blonde sent it into overdrive. She would drown in her before she ever felt like she had enough.

“Because it's not fair to the rest of the world for someone to be this beautiful and brilliant too.” She explained, not even bothering to pull the blankets back up over her bare chest as she sat herself up further on the bed. “The odds are like, astronomical. It's just not possible.”  
  
Delphine ducked her head as she felt her cheeks heating up.“Well, ma chérie, if it is not possible then what is it?”  
  
“Hmm.” Cosima thought for a moment, ignoring how unbelieveaby adorable Delphine looked when embarassed. After a few turns of her head in thought she turned back to Delphine. She simply couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation to that question. “A dream. That explains everything. This is all just a dream. That's why the sex is mind-boggling and you're so friggen perfect. I'm dreaming.”  _And I never, ever want to wake up._  
  
Slowly trailing her tongue over her own bottom lip before taking the sensitive flesh between her teeth, Delphine leaned forward and placed a single kiss on Cosima's flushed cheek. “You feel that?”  
  
Cosima smirked. “Kinda.”  
  
Using her hand to turn Cosima's face back to her own Delphine captured the brunette's lips in a deep, melding of the souls type of kiss. “And that?”  
  
Cosima nodded breathlessly without opening her eyes.  
  
With a final kiss Delphine pulled away, much to Cosima's disappointment. "Then I am pretty sure you are not dreaming."  
  
“I guess not.” Cosima finally opened her eyes and smiled at Delphine. “But it seriously isn't fair.”  
  
Delphine chuckled. “Noted.”  
  
“And I still don't believe you.”  
  
“Yes, well, I don't know if I believe that you are a...a quintuplet." Delphine began with a shake of her head. "Five identical sisters, each raised in a different country?”  
  
“Four countries.” Cosima corrected. “Beth and Alison were raised together. You saw them all, what other proof do you need?” Maybe seeing them all naked to see if they were really identical would do it, but she and Delphine weren't at the level yet where she could joke like that. They may have this instant, undeniable connection that felt like they had always known one another,  _but_ in reality they had known each other for a very little amount of time and Cosima's sass and sarcasm had been known to chase people away. That particular joke would have to wait a couple of months. Surprisingly none of her sisters ever found it funny...  
  
“Still” Delphine shook her head. “It sounds like a television show.”  
  
“Maybe we should sell our story to a network.” Cosima joked, reaching over to tuck a few stray curls behind the blonde's ear.  Without her dreadlocks, Cosima's hair was curly, but her curls looked nothing like Delphine's. Even after the vigorous activities they had been involved in the past few hours, Delphine's hair looked as though a team of stylists had spent hours styling it to perfection whereas Cosima's reflected their activities.  _Totally worth it._  
  
“Maybe you should.” Delphine laughed. “I would watch it.”  
  
“Yeah?” They both laughed. “Well, how about this...since neither of us seem to believe the other how about I'll show you _mine_ if you show me _yours_?”  
  
“I have already seen _yours.”_  
  
Cosima raised an eyebrow and turned to Delphine with a look of mock hurt on her face. And here Delphine was calling _her_ cheeky. Beauty, brains and a decent sense of humor... “Are you saying you don't want to see it again? Because I can go.”  
  
As quickly as she stood up, Delphine grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down to the bed, rolling on top and pinning her down. “I'm sorry.” She laughed.  
  
Cosima's smirk quickly disappeared as her eyes shamelessly raked over every inch of the woman on top of her. “How sorry are you?”  
  
Delphine smiled and teasingly drew her tongue over the brunette's bottom lip, giving it a playful tug before pulling away. “Vraiment désolée."  
  
“Ah-huh.” Cosima nodded quickly, reaching up through the golden curls falling down around either side of Delphine's face and and bringing their lips back together.  
  
“Cosima, we were talking-”  
  
“More kissing, less talking.”  
  
“Cosima...”  
  
Cosima groaned as the blonde rolled off of her. “Argh! Alright! What do you want to know?”  
  
“You said you are working on your PhD?”  
  
“Yes.” Cosima sighed, the pit of lies in her stomach making its presence known again. “I'm about a year away from finishing my degree in evolutionary developmental biology at UC Berkeley.”  
  
“Why are you taking a sabbatical now? Why when you are so close?”  
  
“Uhh...” Cosima paused. Where was Sarah when you needed her? Or Beth? Or even Alison? They were scarily good at covering their asses quickly. Unfortunately Cosima was drawing a blank here. “I just needed a break, you know? I'm thirty and school is all I know, all I've done. As soon as I finish I'll get a job and settle into real adult life outside of academia and I won't have time to do this.”  
  
Cosima was tense for a few long seconds until Delphine nodded, seemingly accepting her answer. “Tell me more about your family.”  
  
“You sure you can handle it?” Cosima teased.  
  
Delphine simply raised an eyebrow in response. She would not be so easily baited.  
  
“Okay.” Cosima nodded. “So I'm a quintuplet. Our parents, our biological parents, were like crazy conspiracy theorists with undiagnosed mental health issues or high outta their minds and were convinced the only way to keep us safe was to give us all up for adoption to different countries, except Alison and Beth for some reason who were adopted by the same family. Then Sarah somehow ended up in the foster system and we still aren't really sure where Helena wound up or what they did to her. She's got....issues, but her heart's in the right place.  
  
“Sarah owns Clone Club now, but it's just the past couple of years she's really gotten her shit together." Her hands flew around as she explained about Sarah finding Kira's father again after years and him ponying up the money for her to buy the club and helping her to get straight. Explained about how they were constantly on again and off again and no one really knew which it was at any given time. She doubted Cal really did either. She told Delphine about Felix and his art. "We won't talk about what else he does. Beth is a cop which is a big reason why we don't talk about what else Felix does." She told her about Beth and her, apparently, appropriately nicknamed boyfriend  _big dick Paul. "_ He and Sarah had a thing once. It's a running joke as to who he is going to go for next. My bet is Helena. He's kinda shady but Beth likes him...most of the time." She told her about Alison and Donnie and the kids, and Helena's work at a residential program for abused kids. "She's never talked about how she was raised or what made her how she is, but I think she really related to those kids."  
  
Delphine nodded with a chuckle, suddenly feeling self conscious about her own childhood. "My upbringing as an only child seems boring in comparison."  
  
Cosima chuckled as she reached a hand out to Delphine's forearm, warmth radiating at the contact. "No, believe me I get it. I was an only child until I got a phone call when I was sixteen from this crazy bitch in Canada telling me we're sisters and there are three more of us. Trust me, boring is good. I would give anything for my life to be boring right now." She smiled sadly and Delphine saw something flicker behind her eyes, but it was gone too soon for her to really catch.  
  
“Uhm...my Dad died when I was young.” She continued. “That's the entire reason I got into the sciences. I mean, I was a pretty smart kid” She admitted shyly. Cosima had never been one to brag about her intelligence, but facts were facts. The last time she had her IQ tested when she was in high school, it was among the top fifteen percent in the nation. “But when he died I knew I wanted to become a scientist. I wanted to work on these diseases and … save people.” She chuckled sadly. “Childhood ideology, you know. My mother was never the same after he died.”  
  
“How old were you?”  
  
“Nine. He fought for a long time.”  
  
Delphine reached out, offering the brunette's hand a comforting squeeze, admiring the ink on the brunette's forearm. "The golden ratio." She mused quietly as she traced the shell with her fingers.  
  
Cosima looked down and smirked. "See, I'm just this geek girl from Berkeley."  
  
Delphine smiled. If Cosima was _just this geek girl from Berkeley_ then she was just this _geek girl_ from Paris. "You know Cosima, it's really, really good to meet someone who gets it." She looked up and returned Cosima's smile. "Who gets me."  
  
“Yeah, ditto.” Leaning over the space between them, their lips met in a hungry kiss. “Obvs.”  
  
“Cosima, will you . .” Delphine looked away nervously.  
  
Cosima put her hand under the doctor's chin and forced her to make eye contact. “What is it?”  
  
“Will you stay this time?”  
  
Cosima smiled sadly. As if she didn't feel bad enough about how she left last time, the look in Delphine's eyes was like a dagger through the center of her chest. “Of course I will.”

* * *

The car ride was spent in silence. Since Delphine refused to tell Cosima where she was taking her, Cosima refused to talk to her. Childish, yes, but she couldn't help the warmth that spread throughout her chest when the blonde would look over at her sulking and smile. “You are quite cute when you pout.”  
  
“ _I want to take you out.”_  
  
_Cosima raised an eyebrow in surprise. “What, like a date?”_  
  
_“Tout à fait comme un rencart.” D_ elphine smiled. “Tomorrow. It's nothing fancy. Just something that used to be a big part of my life that I want to share with you.”  
  
Cosima wasn't sure what she expected. In the very loosely defined 'agreement' they made a few nights ago they agreed to see each other when Cosima was in Toronto. Which, until she and Beth got the required immunizations for their trek through the Amazon, she was. Truthfully she hadn't spent much time thinking about it, but now that she did, of course it didn't mean they would just have sex when she was in town. Delphine liked her. It was natural to want to go out with someone you like and get to know them outside of the bedroom, share your interests, ect... Of course if Cosima had considered actual dating to be a part of this agreement she probably wouldn't have agreed to any of it, but now that she was here she might as well buckle up and enjoy the ride.  
  
There were certainly worse things than dating Delphine Cormier. Even only part-time, quasi-dating when she was in the country. Tentatively she reached across the center console and slid her hand into the blonde's, smiling as their fingers laced together seamlessly.  
  
A few minutes later they pulled up to their destination. “As I said it isn't anything fancy.” Delphine began, putting the car in park and cutting the engine. “But it is something I did quite a lot growing up.”  
  
Cosima leaned over and placed a soft kiss on soft, inviting lips. “You any good?”  
  
Delphine scoffed in what sounded like indignation and amusement. "Of course." She grabbed the bag out of the back seat and lead Cosima to the ice. It was a big, slightly raised man-made rink in the middle of a park. Delphine, being a skater, had her own skates and they quickly rented Cosima a pair and joined the small handful of people on the ice. "I found this place not long after I first came here. In the summer they fill it with water for kids and during the winter they freeze it for skating."  
  
Cosima avoided asking if Toronto actually had a summer as she held Delphine's hand tightly and stepped onto the ice. “I'm not very good.” She admitted, her ankles shaking in her skates. “I can usually stand pretty well and shuffle around, but that's about it. My ass usually becomes fast friends with the ice.”  
  
Delphine laughed. “Don't worry. Je ne vais pas te lâcher.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath, looking up at the blonde. Delphine probably didn't think Cosima knew what she was saying, but she did and she didn't doubt for a second that Delphine meant it in every sense. "So,” She began quickly, forcing the thoughts away. Cosima never half-assed anything so if she was going to do this dating thing she was going to give it her all and do it right. No more second guessing her decision, no more thinking about what could happen later on down the road. She just needed to be in the here and now. It was only for when she was in town anyway. “How long have you been skating?”

  
“Since my feet were big enough to fit into skates.” The blonde answered. “I have been taking lessons as far back as I can remember. I was probably around two.”  
  
“Oh wow. So you must be, like, hella good. Like doing all that spinning and jumping and turning stuff you see on TV?”  
  
"When I was younger, yes." Delphine chuckled. “My parents wanted me to...what do you call it...euh...go pro?” Cosima nodded at the correct terminology. “But I wanted to pursue science.”  
  
“That is so cool. Can you show me?”  
  
“I would, but I already agreed that I wouldn't let you go.”  
  
Cosima cocked her head to the side with a smirk. "I think I can handle myself for a minute or two, Delphine." She didn't really, but that was beside the point. She wanted to see what Delphine could do. For as open as Delphine was when they were in bed, or on the kitchen table, the rug on the living room floor in front of the fireplace, up against the wall in the bathroom, on the desk in her office and nearly in the car on the drive over, she was still a mystery.   
  
Delphine leaned down and gave Cosima a quick kiss. “Your wish is my command.”  
  
Cosima watched in awe as Delphine warmed up with a couple of laps around the ring, raising her arms a few times to warm and stretch out the muscles. As if sensing she needed space, a good majority of the few people on the rink stepped off and watched the captivating blonde while the others stayed as close to the sides as they could.  
  
Delphine made her way to the center of the rink and waited a few seconds before a new song started over the speakers. It started out slow and fluid with long, looping melodies and Delphine did the same. She was all arms and legs and strong, yet graceful movements. The music picked up and Delphine followed suit, adding more turns and small leaps. They must play the same music all the time because Delphine skated as though she long ago choreographed a routine to this song. Cosima didn't know the names for any of what she was doing, but dammit if it wasn't fast becoming her new favorite sport.  
  
Delphine was breathtaking and everyone was under her spell. No one moved as they watched the blonde move around the ice like she owned it. Delphine looked like she was made to be on the ice. With a final spin, Delphine dug her skate sideways into the ice to stop and looked at Cosima. The brunette had a huge smile on her face as clapped her hands together. As if she had forgotten where she was, Delphine seemed to jump when the others started applauding as well and, with her face growing redder by the nanosecond, skated back to Cosima.  
  
Cosima was screwed. There was no denying it anymore. Regardless if she stayed away from Delphine at this point, there was no walking away. Someone, probably both of them, was going to get hurt. Cosima believed in soulmates. Since she met Delphine it felt almost as if she didn't have a choice in any of this. Like everything after she turned around and her eyes locked on the blonde's across the crowded dance floor was out of her hands. It felt . . . inevitable. She was falling for Delphine. Or maybe she already had, but when her eyes again locked on the blonde's she realized she wasn't the only one.  
  
As soon as the other woman was within arms reach, Cosima pulled her over and joined their lips in a passionate kiss. “That was-”  
  
"Nothing special." Delphine silenced Cosima with another kiss. “You should have seen me back when I was in training. My mother home schooled me and put me into this very selective and . . .” She fumbled trying to find the right word. “-rigorous skating program and all of my lessons revolved around it. I was much better back then.”  
  
Cosima watched as Delphine's cheeks grew redder. Delphine seemed clearly uncomfortable with her praise and she doubted it was because the blonde wasn't used to compliments, but she let it go for now. “Thank you for sharing this with me.” She said instead. It was just a feeling, but she didn't think this as something Delphine shared with everyone.  
  
Delphine smiled and took Cosima's hand to get them moving again. “Thank you for coming.”  
  
Cosima bit back a cheeky retort about not really having a choice as Delphine didn't tell her where they were going and just enjoyed the moment.  
  
“Did you do any sports when you were younger?”  
  
“Yeah, I had a horse so I did a lot of riding. No competing though. Kinda took the fun out of it for me. And volleyball.”  
  
Delphine swallowed thickly and closed her eyes, imagining Cosima in the tight uniforms both sports required. "You had a horse?”  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima smiled. “My grandmother got her for me for my tenth birthday. It was the first birthday without my dad so she wanted to make it really special. Her name was Domino. She was a beautiful black and white Draft mix. I've kind of always been tiny, so you can imagine pre-pubescent me on this huge horse. She got me through a lot of tough times though. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up.” Wild hands flew around in front of her to distract from the sadness behind her eyes which almost landed Cosima on her backside. “Kids thought I was weird, so she was kinda my best friend for a while.”  
  
Delphine gave Cosima's hand a comforting squeeze. “That is very sweet.”  
  
Cosima blushed and changed the subject. “Tell me about your family.”  
  
“My family?”  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima grabbed tight onto Delphine's forearm as she lost her footing and her skate slipped out from under her, ending with them both in a heap on the ice. It took them both a few moments to stop laughing. “Told you my ass gets pretty cozy with the ice.”  
  
Delphine chuckled. “You did.” She stood up and offered her hand to Cosima, carefully pulling the brunette to her feet.  
  
“So, your family.” Cosima repeated. “I told you all about mine. It's only fair.”  
  
“D'accord.” Delphine agreed. “My father is a medical doctor – a surgeon.”  
  
“So that's where you got the doctor idea? You were a daddy's girl, weren't you?”  
  
“Yes.” Delphine chuckled. “My mother was a chef until I was born and then she quit to stay home with me. She planned to go back when I was older and in school, but my father had a patient once who needed a surgery he couldn't afford and offered to train me in exchange for the surgery and I was really good. I remember it feeling very natural, stepping on the ice for the first time. Well, maybe not the first time. I do not have many memories from when I was young, as most people don't, but that I remember. He trained me until I was thirteen when I begged my parents to let me go to school. They were not happy, but they realized my dreams weren't aligned with their dreams for me. So they sent me to boarding school.”  
  
"Oh wow. Boarding school?" Cosima's home life for most of her childhood may not have been idea, but she was never sent away. She couldn't imagine what that would have been like at such a tough time in a young girl's life. There had to be such a strength beneath that gorgeous French exterior.  
  
Delphine smiled sadly. “With a skating program.”  
  
“They really weren't letting that go where they?”  
  
The blonde shrugged, gripping Cosima's hand tighter as they went around the turn. "Well they invested a lot of time and money into me. My mother never went back to her career because of it."  
  
“Yeah, but that was her choice. Skating wasn't your passion.”  
  
“No.” Delphine admitted sadly. “Those weren't my best years. My parents hoped boarding school would get me back on the _'right'_ track, in their eyes, but when I told them I'd been accepted into university on a biology path they were not happy. My mother didn't speak to me for a long time after that.”  
  
"Wow dude, harsh. Why was she so focused on this?" Cosima looked up at the blonde, seeing an unfamiliar sadness in her eyes. She couldn't imagine working so hard to achieve something just for her parents to treat her dream and all her hard work like that.   
  
Delphine shrugged. “My grandmother once told me it was my mother's dream to compete in figure skating in the Olympics, but she had a curve in her spine that made it very painful for her. That is how my parent's met, actually. She was considering surgery to fix the curve, but it wasn't possible.”  
  
“So you were like the second chance for her dream?”  
  
“Perhaps. She wanted me to make something of myself. She gave up so much for me that I think she just wanted it to mean something.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath and turned toward Delphine. Delphine worked so hard. She couldn't imagine anyone not being proud of her. "You've already made something of yourself Delphine. Not exactly how your mother wanted, but it does mean something."  
  
“C'est vrai.” Delphine smiled and leaned down to kiss the brunette.  
  
“How are things with your mom now?”  
  
“Oh, they are much better." Delphine smiled and Cosima could see genuine happiness shining from deep within her eyes and her shoulders rose a little higher. "She had a heart attack while I was at university and was in the hospital for long time. I guess almost dying made her realize what was important.”  
  
“Funny how that happens.” Cosima mumbled quietly.  
  
“Now she owns the bakery she always wanted.” Delphine continued. “Mostly desserts and once a week they have a wine tasting, but there's always fresh bread and croissants.”  
  
Cosima's eyes went wide. “Mmm I love croissants.”  
  
“Oui?” Delphine asked. Cosima nodded. “Maybe one day I'll cook for you.”  
  
Cosima looked up at the blonde with a smile. “Mmm yeah. One day.” She punctuated with a kiss.  
  
“So you're going to Brazil next? Do you have any plans to visit Italy sometime?”  
  
Cosima shrugged. “I have no plan, remember? Why?”  
  
“Oh, yes, well, you should. Tuscany, specifically.”  
  
“Why's that?”  
  
Delphine bit down on her lower lip before turning back to Cosima. “It reminds me of you. We used to go every summer when I was growing up. It is bright and friendly and warm and full of adventure. There is lots of wine and great food and history. It is impossible not to fall in love with it.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath as Delphine skated off.  _It's impossible not to fall in love . . . Holy watershed_


	10. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orphan Black aired a new episode for the last time ever last night...I am not okay....The end of this chapter accurately portrays my feelings even though I wrote this chapter at least two months ago.

After an off roading day trip to Chianti and getting sufficiently smashed, the duo traveled out of Tuscany. Rome and Venice were on opposite ends of the country so the plan was to go down to Venice for a couple of day and explore, back up to do some island hopping off the coast of Tuscany then to Rome until the remainder of Delphine's ten days were up and she flew home. Cosima still hadn't booked a return flight unsure if she wanted to leave with Delphine or stay a few more days, but that was an issue for later because now they were in Venice.  
  
The plan had originally been to take the train to Venice the night right after their tour of Chianti, but they may have greatly overestimated their abilities to handle the nearly twenty different kinds of wine they encountered on the tour. Granted, they were just supposed to sample the wines not chug them, but that's all semantics really. Instead they took the first train out in the morning which, given their extremely hung over states, was not easy either. Thankfully Delphine was a great trip adviser and made sure they were up, packed and on the train with plenty of time.  
  
All Cosima wanted to do on the two hour ride was sleep, but Delphine stuffed her full of caffeine, water, painkillers and as many carb-loaded goodies as she was able to get and stuff into her bag at the train station. Thankfully they both felt better by the time they got to Venice because it was almost eight am and they had a very full few days ahead of them with no time to waste. After checking into their hotel they got right to it.  
  
They started their morning with a tour of St. Mark's Basilica and Doge's Palace. It was informative and fascinating, but Cosima was a bit too hungover for the early morning Venetian history lesson. The Basilica was gorgeous of course then they continued onto Mark's Square and the cathedral. Dodge's Palace had been the political epicenter of the empire for centuries and there was so much history there; and the armory and the new prisons, but it was all a bit beyond Cosima at this current moment in time. Delpine was in rough shape too, but much better at hiding it than Cosima. Every time they moved Cosima groaned and Delphine couldn't help but laugh.  
  
“I'm glad my pain amuses you.”  
  
“Pauvre petit chiot.” Delphine cooed.  
  
Cosima glared. “I thought we've established _you're_ the puppy?”  
  
“The true name of the _Bridge of Sighs_ is a complicated issue. Some say it comes from prisoners before they went to prison to serve out their life sentences.” Their guide explained as they stepped onto the limestone bridge. “It is said that as they crossed over this bridge, the view you are seeing now is the last they would see of this beautiful city and they would sigh sadly.”  
  
“Totally not where I thought he was going with that.” Cosima whispered causing Delphine to chuckle.  
  
“But, by the time this bridge was built there were very few people being condemned to life here. Mostly short sentences imposed upon small-time crooks. That does not mean they did not still sigh,” Everyone laughed. “But that story doesn't pack quite the same punch.”  
  
“For our lovers...”  
  
Delphine looked down at Cosima and laced their fingers, pulling Cosima to her for a chaste kiss.  
  
“It is said that if you kiss someone beneath this bridge at sunset that you will love each other forever.”  
  
Cosima and Delphine both had that caught-in-the-headlights look on their faces. “Did he say _under_ the bridge?” Delphine asked nervously.  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima nodded.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Don't worry, you're safe.” Cosima chided with a smirk, trying to hide her relief. “But, for the record, you could do a lot worse than me.”  
  
“No, that is not...” Delphine fumbled.   
  
“What is it?”  
  
Delphine brushed her off with a smile. “Nothing, come on.”  
  
Venice was beautiful. It was mostly under water, but there was still plenty to do and see. Over two days they went on tours and saw the important historical places, had a gondola ride complete with wine and a serenade, went to museums and when they had absolutely had their fill of cultural enrichment they walked around in the city of romance and ate in restaurants and sat in cafes and went into little shops. It wasn't quite the city of romance Cosima was expecting, but she was walking around the foreign city holding hands and stealing kisses from the woman she . . . liked a lot. There was nothing more romantic.  
  
On the third day they took a day trip to the Dolomite Mountains. There were eight of them in the group and they traveled in a cozy, more like tiny, van in which Cosima practically had to sit on Delphine – not that either minded. They traveled north through the rural landscape of northern Italy making a pit stop at the village of Pieve de Cadore, also known as the birth place of a Renaissance painter Cosima didn't remember ever hearing about. Back into the sardine case they went until they arrived at Lake Santa Caterina.  
  
After some time, and tons of pictures, they traveled to Lake Misurina. It looked like it was out of a travel brochure and Cosima was positive she had seen at least fifteen different post cards during their time in Venice with the exact view she was looking at. The trees, the glistening sapphire water, the snow-capped Alps in the background...it was positively breathtaking. Many selfies were had in front of the gorgeous lake and they also got someone from their group, a rather horny old Englishman, take pictures of the two of them further back than their arms could reach to capture the view.  
  
“What beautiful girls.” He said with a smirk. “In my day I would have both of you hanging off my arm.”  
  
Cosima laughed and let him have his fantasy. “I'm sure all the other girls would have been jealous.”  
  
His eyes lit up as he threw Cosima a wink. “Too right.”  
  
They sat with him at lunch and let his son take a picture of his old man with the both of them. His poor son turned beet red and looked absolutely mortified at some of the things coming out of his father's mouth, reminiscing about the “ _glory days_.”  
  
After lunch Cosima was coming back from the bathroom when she found Delphine sitting by the lake. The sun hit the blonde in just the right way illuminating her face and Cosima's breath caught in her throat. She was so completely head over heels for this woman. It wasn't even something she could lie to herself about anymore. In another time she would have admitted she was in love, but not now. Knowing and admitting were two very different things in Cosima's book. In her heart, Cosima knew she was in love, but her brain refused. She couldn't be in love. Love was too real a concept. Love required time she didn't have. Love meant ' _I don't want to lose you'_ and by refusing any further treatments she wasn't living up to that. It was easier to live in denial.  
  
It's not like she could have told Delphine to go home when she found her on the tour in Florence, but she didn't have to spend every night and day with her and she didn't have to be taking this romantic trip with her right now. She didn't have to do any of it and probably shouldn't have, but she _wanted_ to. When it came to Delphine she just could not stay away. _“Don't ever apologize for your heart Cosima.”_ Her mother's words echoed in her head.  
  
She'd found love where it wasn't supposed to be – when she wasn't supposed to.  
  
“You're staring.” Delphine said with a smile.  
  
“Sorry.” Cosima blushed. “You're just so unbelievably beautiful.” Delphine stood up and ran over to Cosima so she could kiss her until there was no breath left in either of their bodies. It was something that hadn't taken very long for Cosima to pick up on. Delphine loved when she called her beautiful. She hadn't figured out why. Cosima very highly doubted it was because the blonde had never been called beautiful before. A woman like Delphine had to be used to all sorts of compliments on her looks, but whenever Cosima said it there was always a split second where the blonde looked at her in disbelief, like she didn't believe the comment was directed at her. Then she usually pounced. While she hadn't ever asked Delphine why she reacted this way, she did make sure to tell her that she didn't say it for the reaction. She said it because it was true.  
  
Their final day in/around Venice was spent on a Romeo and Juliet tour of Verona. It was a long day with an early start and Cosima was dragging. She was very much looking forward to going back to Tuscany, catching a boat to one of the islands and spending some time on a beach. Fun, sun and the ocean waves were calling her name. She would never admit she was struggling. Sarah called at least every other day to check up on her and Beth, Alison and Felix texted often. Once she got a text from Helena. Maybe. Something confusing about mangos so Cosima just assumed it was a wrong text. She told them she was fine, sent them pictures, asked how things were back home, that sort of thing. Maybe she would need to take more time off before her next trip. Not that she had one planned yet, but her body was clearly begging for a break.  
  
While there wasn't any blood yet, she was coughing again. Not much. It was probably nothing anyone but her or her family would notice, but she was. She told herself it was just because she was doing a lot and it would calm down when she got back home, but deep down out of the land of denial Cosima knew better.  
  
But that break was not coming today. She was looking forward to this tour, but Delphine was nearly jumping out of her skin. “Romeo and Juliet is a classic love story Cosima.”  
  
“They die in the end.”  
  
“We all die in the end.” Delphine reasoned. “And still love lives on.” She practically sing-songed.  
  
Cosima couldn't help herself from chuckling and pulling Delphine close. “You're so the puppy.”  
  
Delphine chuckled quietly before softly cupping Cosima's face and looking deep into her eyes. “But I'm your puppy.” She said so softly that Cosima nearly doesn't hear her, but she did.  
  
For once Cosima pushed all negative feelings from her mind. “Yeah.” She smiled happily. “Yeah you are.”  
  
Delphine's heart swelled in her chest, a huge smile taking over her face. If not for the strong arms pulling her in and bringing their lips together, she could have floated away.  
  
The tour was amazing. Their first stop was Colle di San Pietro, to a castle overlooking the town. Down to the city at an ancient amphitheater from the first century. What Delphine absolutely lost it for though, was Juliet's house. More specifically, the iconic balcony where she and Romeo spoke. There was even a statue of Juliet who was supposed to bring you luck if you rubbed her breast.  
  
“No no no no no.”  
  
Delphine slowly lowered her hand. “Why not? It's for luck.”  
  
Cosima grabbed her hand and pulled her around a corner away from the crowd, guiding the hand to her own chest. “I got all the luck you need, trust me.”  
  
A short, steamy make-out session later and they moved onto the city center and through a slew of places that served as the backdrop of the star-crossed lover's story. After lunch they continued on through Verona and Shakespeare's classic, learning the history and the significance of various places. Delphine hung on the tour guide's every word.  
  
It was dark when they got back and even though it wasn't 'time to go to bed' dark, both woman collapsed onto the bed and were instantly asleep.

* * *

“See, this is what I'm talking about!” Cosima sighed happily as she leaned back against the coral beach chair, digging her toes deep into the sand. They had found a quiet(er) little cove on the island of Elba. It was the beginning of July so it was pretty full with tourists, but this cove was much less congested.  
  
Delphine hummed her agreement beside her.  
  
Try as she might, Cosima couldn't help but keep her eyes locked on the blonde. In that small black and white string bikini it really wasn't Cosima's fault she couldn't look away. Delphine was all perfect porcelain skin, long legs, and beauty marks Cosima had spent her fair share of time connecting. There was no doubting Delphine Cormier was a goddess. Cosima just couldn't understand why she was satisfied with having a part time...whatever it was they had when she could have a full time real relationship with anyone she wanted.  
  
Was she really happy with this? As far as Cosima could tell she seemed to be. She never mentioned it or made any indication she wasn't. On the contrary, when they were together Delphine rarely stopped smiling. The kind of smiles that lit up her eyes. The kind of smiles Cosima never wanted to see leave her face which meant they were also the kind of smiles that kept Cosima awake at night, her stomach in knots.  
  
It was tearing her up inside...all this lying. This was no basis for a relationship. This is why she tried to stay away from Delphine in the first place. Tried and epically failed, but tried nonetheless. She was mentally kicking her own ass every second of every day, but she was powerless to stay away. It was childish, but she was sort of hoping that things would just work themselves out. She was healthy now, more or less, maybe her body was fighting the disease on its own and she would be fine. Maybe things had changed...  
  
Maybe going back for treatments wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she could even do it without Delphine knowing. Say she is traveling or something. It wouldn't be too bad, would it?  
  
Cosima shook her head and forced those thoughts far from her mind. The five months she spent in the hospital were the worst months of her life. Dealing with unimaginable pain every second, her girlfriend leaving her, seeing these looks of absolute hopelessness, sorrow and pain on her sisters' faces, her mother's, her friends'. All for a chance she would make it. They found something that worked, yes, but it hadn't even given her all that much time. Soon enough she would have to see those same looks on the same faces only now there would be one more added to the mix.  
  
_Delphine._  
  
Cosima knew she had to end things. After this trip, she and Delphine had to go their separate ways. There was absolutely no chance she would let Delphine join her family in watching her die. Dying is always harder on the ones left behind. As strong as Cosima was trying to be for everyone around her – for her sisters, for her mom, her nieces and nephew...she was petrified. She didn't know what she believed happened after death. As a scientist her schooling taught her that when you die everything stops and that's it, but her upbringing, her mother, her own spirituality told her there was something after she just wasn't sure what. How could she let go with all these unanswered questions? How could she let go with Delphine there?  
  
If she didn't know what treatments would do to her again she might just consider it, but this time she knew too well. She couldn't keep doing that every two years. If there was ever a time in her life she wanted to die that was it. Her body couldn't take that again.  
  
Half a year in the hospital, another half a year or so recovering to be healthy for maybe a year and a half and then need to repeat the process all over again...hardly worth it.  
  
Of course if there was a treatment she knew would work she would do it in a heartbeat, but so far there was none.  
  
They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? Why couldn't the same be said for Italy? Maybe, at least while they were here, Cosima could pretend like things were okay. She could up her meds for a few days to make sure she was feeling as good as she could, she could pretend that she wasn't sick and this thing between the two of them actually had a shot at becoming something real, she could lose herself in blonde curls and hazel eyes and not worry about any of it. She could pretend for the next couple of days, but then it had to be over. For both their sake.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Cosima willed the tears not to fall as she quickly put her sun glasses on to hide her glassy eyes. Delphine was looking at her with such concern it broke her heart. She didn't have a clue how she was supposed to leave this woman. The blonde was sweet and kind and caring and brilliant and beautiful and kept Cosima on her toes. How she was supposed to break her heart – break both their hearts, even if it was for the best. Delphine didn't sign up for this. She didn't know Cosima was sick, and that was totally Cosima's fault. This relationship was never supposed to be, but it was. And it couldn't be all at the same time.  
  
She could see a future with the doctor. You know, if she would have had a future. She would get her PhD, maybe go work for DYAD with Delphine and they would spend their days making crazy science together. They would get a house and a dog, a mangy looking rescue Cosima would see at the shelter and instantly fall in love with. They could get married (Delphine would make a gorgeous bride), maybe have a couple of kids, family vacations, golden anniversaries...She could see it all with Delphine.  
  
With a deep breath she smiled and reached across the empty space between them to entwine their fingers. “Never better.” Lies. All of it.


	11. For Delphine

“You know, back when I used to believe in reincarnation I thought I was a great Greek or Roman warrior.” Cosima laughed as their tour guide led them and another couple down the cold stone steps to the Colosseum underground.  
  
“Really?” Delphine chuckled. Cosima was so little and energetic and sweet that she couldn't imagine that, even in another lifetime.  
  
“Hey, do not laugh at me. I've always felt a connection to these places.”  
  
“You could have just lived here? Maybe been a peasant.”  
  
“Psssshhh nah. I was totes a warrior. Might have been Cleopatra too.” Cosima reasoned. Ancient Egypt had always been one of her favorite places, but there was no way her lungs could handle that kind of climate. That would be pushing it a little too much.  
  
“Wow, impressive. How boring your life must be in this lifetime as just a mere scientist.” Delphine teased.  
  
“I know. Total let down.” Cosima agreed. “Or maybe I just watched too much Xena.”  
  
“You said you used to believe in reincarnation, do you not any longer?”  
  
Cosima took a breath and slowed as their guide stopped to explain some historical tidbits. “I'm not really sure what I believe anymore.” She answered honestly, raising her arm to softly cough into her inner elbow.  _Just the dust_ she told herself.  
  
Luckily Delphine didn't press further and they both paid attention to their guide as he led them through the underground labyrinth that once held "fierce animals" ...  
  
“They weren't _fierce_ they were petrified!” Cosima protested lowly so only Delphine could hear. “Ripped from the wild probably as babies, probably starved and beaten and locked in cages their whole lives. I'd become a ' _fierce animal'_ too”  
  
… as well as criminals and slaves slated for public execution and/or torturous humiliation. Cosima looked at various markings along the walls of the cells they walked past and visibly shuttered as she imagined animals and humans alike fighting to get out. Fighting to survive. Fighting an external battle to match the one she was fighting on the inside. Delphine took her hand and gave her a quick peck on the cheek which made Cosima felt a tiny bit better. Not much, but that wasn't the blonde's fault.  
  
Cosima was raised with a healthy respect for all other living things, although spiders seemed to somehow escape her respect. Her mother was an anthropologist who, in her free time, was an avid supporter of various causes ranging from basic human rights to civil rights to animal rights to, in the case of one very very old tree in a park around the corner from where she grew up, plant rights. She was an avid supporter and lobbyist for many causes.  
  
Carolyn Niehaus was a free spirit and Cosima loved her for it. She had a saying, _“I'll never apologize for my heart.”_ And to this day neither woman had. _“Nothing is ever wrong when done with a pure heart. Unfortunate, inconvenient, ill-advised and inappropriate, maybe”_ She would laugh. _“But not wrong.”  
  
_ Cosima was so much like her mother. They both led with their hearts, believing that most times it was more reliable than their minds. _“The heart knows before the brain. It feels. The mind cannot, but the heart...the heart feels what's right. Listen to it Cosima and it will lead you where you are supposed to be.”_ She hadn't batted an eye when at sixteen, after finding out she had sisters, Cosima had gone out one day and come home two days later with her nose pierced and her hair in dreadlocks. _“Did you feel it?” Cosima nodded. “I feel more like myself now.” “Good. I like it a lot. It suits you.”_ Nor when at seventeen Cosima brought her first girlfriend home. _“Do you feel it? Cosima simply laughed. “My God Cosima not like that! Have I raised an animal?”_ She needed to make an effort to call her mother more often and she definitely owed the older woman a visit soon.  
  
They continued onto the arena floor where the battles physically took place all those years ago. Then up to the top level where people sat to watch all the gory action. It was amazing. Cosima was caught between intense disgust and the utmost curiosity and fascination. Yet another battle for her mind and her heart, but whichever way it went this was an amazing piece of history.  
  
Despite her aversion to the entire purpose of the Colosseum, it was Cosima's want that brought them here and, as she did at every place they went to, she did take a lot of pictures. After each trip she printed out the best pictures, collected all of her brochures and pamphlets, ticket stubs, napkins and whatever else she had that was relatively flat and made a scrapbook. It helped pass the time between trips. That, and Delphine.  
  
Next up they got a first hand look of how the ancient Roman elite lived.  
  
“God, is this all that's left? After we go, if we have the money for it, we leave behind a few walls, gardens, monuments? And then if you don't, what? You're just forgotten?”  
  
Delphine turned to Cosima in question as the guide started in on an explanation on the myth of Romulus and Remus. “I guess that what remains of us centuries after we live doesn't mean as much as the impact we make while we live. These homes that are still standing aren't standing because the people who owned them were great people who did great things - they had great amounts of money. Other people built them. Doesn't it mean more to be one of those who built these walls? Rather than the one who paid for it? It doesn't matter that no one know their names. Their work still stands.”  
  
Cosima smiled. “You have a point Dr. Cormier.”  
  
“I do make them on occasion.”  
  
“Don't get cocky now.”  
  
Delphine winked and grabbed Cosima's arm to hold her back as the tour ended and people started filtering out. “This way. I have a surprise for you.”

* * *

“Seriously, gladiator school...best surprise ever!” Cosima smiled. With the outfit and all Cosima had a two hour lesson into the ways of the Roman gladiator. Her sisters laughed at the pictures she texted of her in full gladiator gear, but it had been fun. It was cathartic. Felt good to channel her feelings into something. She felt lighter after, more clear and level-headed. As if her body wasn't slowly destroying itself from the inside out. Maybe she should find something physical to do in Toronto too. Much to Alison's chagrin she had always liked the idea of yoga.  
  
Delphine pursed her lips as she exited the bathroom. “Then I guess I should just take this lingerie off, hmm?”  
  
Cosima's jaw nearly dropped to the floor at this next surprise. “Uhm...no.” She cleared her throat. “No, definitely not. I think it would be much more enjoyable if I did that.”

* * *

“It was worth it, wasn't it?” Cosima whispered as she caught up to the blonde. They weren't really supposed to speak in the Sistine Chapel.  
  
Delphine swatted Cosima with the brochure she was carrying.  
  
“Come on, admit it.”  
  
“I admit nothing.” Delphine whispered with a smile. “Except that I was right and you still acted like a child this morning and you are lucky the espresso was strong.”  
  
“You're no fun.” Cosima teased playfully, side stepping the blonde as she tried to swat her again. The morning had been busy, but Cosima had no regrets. She would take being tired because she was up all night with Delphine over a good night's sleep any day! As it was they had just been doing a lot of walking this morning so it wasn't anything super strenuous she really needed the energy for. Except she knew she couldn't keep this up. Her body was working hard enough to keep itself going without her pushing it.  
  
“So” Delphine began, threading her arm through Cosima's as they exited the building. “That is it until dinner later. We can walk around or find another place to visit or another tour, or we can go back to the hotel and nap.”  
  
“Nap?” Cosima chuckled.  
  
“Do not mock me Cosima. I haven't exactly been getting much sleep lately.” She offered the brunette a wink at the look of mock hurt Cosima was trying to pull off. “You know I wouldn't trade it for anything,” She punctuated with a kiss. “But I am very tired.”  
  
Cosima smiled and nodded at the blonde. “Yeah, no me too. A nap sounds great actually.”  
  
They were both surprised when they got back to the hotel and actually napped. Neither of them tried anything. Delphine laid down a bit away from Cosima in case she did, but all Cosima tried to do was cuddle up which of course Delphine was too happy to oblige. They woke to Delphine's alarm a couple hours later. Well, Delphine woke to her alarm. Cosima woke to soft kisses.  
  
They changed and got ready then headed to dinner. It was well off the beaten path – down an alley and in a basement, but the food was absolutely amazing. As was the wine. “You know, it's probably a good thing Alison didn't come on this trip with me.”  
  
“Why is that?” Delphine asked, sipping said wine.  
  
“She might kinda be a functional alcoholic. It would not be healthy for her to be around this much wine.”  
  
“It is very common in Europe." Delphine reasoned. Since she was old enough to hold a glass she had been having wine. It wasn't such a big deal where she came from. "Is that the only reason?”  
  
Cosima pretended to ponder that for a moment. “Yep. Only one I can think of.”  
  
“You are such a brat.”  
  
“You love it.”  
  
Delphine's eyes went wide for a split second that Cosima probably wouldn't have caught if not for the fact that Delphine bit down on her bottom lip at the exact same time. “I do.” She admitted quietly.  
  
If not for the wine she had been drinking, Cosima probably would have quickly changed the subject or looked away or something, but she leaned closer to Delphine and kissed her. Her hands found their way into the blonde curls she loved so much and she let her lips say everything she couldn't find the courage to. “Delphine, I-”  
  
She wasn't exactly sure where she was going with that. Whether she would have said something she would later regret, even if it was true, or something completely innocent. Her brain seemed to have taken a momentary pause, but lady luck shined down on her as a small trio of musicians started playing not far from their table and the moment passed.  
  
Delphine looked disappointed, but didn't push. Just held Cosima's hand and enjoyed the music. Cosima couldn't help the panic that was coursing through her veins. In this instant she knew she screwed up.  
  
She smiled the rest of the night and held Delphine's hand as they toured the city at night. St. Peter's Square and Basilica, the Arch of Constantine, the Colosseum, the Theatre of Marcellus and all these places passed her by. They sight of everything lit up at night was absolutely wonderful and romantic, but Cosima wasn't in it tonight. It all felt too real, too serious for her to fully enjoy.  
  
Delphine, thankfully, was either oblivious or just chose not to comment. Cosima had a feeling she was just choosing not to comment because she was more talkative than usual and more affectionate while also giving Cosima her space. If Cosima walked off Delphine would leave her to it, but when she came back the blonde would give her a kiss and take her hand again. Cosima smiled and lost herself in their kisses as usual, but her eyes didn't light up like they usually did and her disease, which was usually a very distant after thought when she was with Delphine, was front and center in her mind.  
  
“Cosima is everything alright?” Delphine asked once they were back at the hotel for the night.  
  
“Yeah, yeah of course.” Cosima brushed off with a wave of her hands.  
  
“You forget you are a bad liar.”  
  
Cosima sighed. “I'm sorry Delphine I don't know what's going on with me tonight. I'm just a little . . . out of it I guess. Maybe it's the heat.”  
  
“What were you going to say at the restaurant?” The blonde prodded gently.  
  
“I...” Cosima shook her head. “I honestly don't know.”  
  
“Have I done something to upset you?”  
  
Cosima shook her head as she closed the distance between them. She cupped Delphine's face in her hands and looked deep into hazel eyes. “Delphine, I promise you . . . you didn't do anything.” Slowly she drew Delphine's lips to hers. “This is my shit. I told you my life was complicated.” She whispered, resting their foreheads together.  
  
“Just tell me.” Delphine pleaded.  
  
Cosima nearly broke at the sadness in the blonde's voice. “Delphine please. You don't know what you're asking.” She whispered.  
  
“Cosima I-”  
  
"Please don't." Cosima broke away and walked over to the bed. This was not happening. She knew it was and she knew what Delphine was going to say and still the same words kept repeating in her mind. _No no no no no  
  
_ “There is something important I want to tell you.”  
  
With tears in her eyes Cosima turned back toward the blonde. There was no stopping this. It was happening. It had to, she knew, she just wasn't ready. She would never be ready for what she had to do. Selfishly she wanted to keep Delphine. Keep whatever this thing was that they had, but she knew she couldn't. It wasn't fair to Delphine. She didn't deserve to be brought down by all of this.  
  
“I wanted to tell you on that bridge in Venice and then kiss you, but I didn't know you had to be _under_ the bridge.”  
  
“Delphine-”  
  
“Je t'aime.”  
  
Cosima didn't know much French, but that was another she did know. The tears fell silently down her face as Delphine rushed over and gathered her in her arms.  
  
“I didn't want to fall for you. I wasn't supposed to – it wasn't part of our _arrangement_. . . But I have.”  
  
Cosima shook her head. She couldn't do this. She could love Delphine in her head where no one would get hurt, but she couldn't tell her. She couldn't. It would hurt less for Delphine to think she didn't return her feelings than to sit by and watch the woman she loved die.  
  
Reality came crashing down. Cosima knew Delphine loved her. It was in her eyes, her smile, her kiss, but why did she have to say it? Why did she have to shatter this illusion Cosima was clinging to? This illusion that she wasn't dying and she could have Delphine and no one would get hurt and everything would be fine.  
  
THIS was exactly why Cosima didn't want a relationship. THIS was why she had her _no attachments, nobody gets hurt_ rule. Because now Delphine was attached. Now _she_ was attached. She couldn't care less about herself, but now Delphine would get hurt. She never should have let the blonde get this close. Never should have done anything with her. The second she felt Delphine's eyes on her at the club all those months ago she should have turned and walked away. She knew better.  
  
Delphine made her want. Want to wake up wrapped in her arms, want to see her name flash across her phone screen, want dinner dates and weekend getaways and rainy days cuddled up in front of the TV, want steamy fights and even steamier make-ups, want a future of things most people consider chores – washing dishes together after dinner, grocery shopping and midnight runs to the corner store for Eskimo pies, and science and apartment hunting and Delphine in a white dress and kids and growing old. Delphine made her want and that's why she was dangerous. Cosima didn't have the luxury of wanting. Not with little more than a year left to live.  
  
“Delphine you can't love me. You don't know me.”  
  
“I don't know you?” Delphine asked incredulously, stepping away from Cosima and running a hand through her hair. “Whose fault is that? . . Cosima I don't know whatever this big secret is that you have, but I know you. I know how to wake you up in the morning when you really don't want to wake up, I know how to cheer you up when something is bothering you that you won't tell me about, I know your favorite dinner, your favorite wine, your favorite movie, how to make your favorite tea...I know how to make you smile when you don't want to, how to calm you when you cry in your sleep without waking you-”  
  
Cosima wasn't quite sure what to call these events she had in her sleep sometimes. They weren't quite nightmares, at least not ones she remembered when she woke and they weren't like the panic attacks she had often when she first got to Toronto. Sometimes she would wake up drenched in sweat, shaking, crying and absolutely terrified. Of what she never knew, but she would be drowning in these feelings of alarm, dread, loss, helplessness and...okay, so maybe they were panic attacks. She felt as if she had been swallowed by an invisible black hole surrounded by nothingness with no way out, no way forward except through warm hazel eyes and the smell of lavender, vanilla and cigarettes.  
  
It happened frequently when she slept alone, but she never had a conscious memory of it happening when Delphine was there so she just assumed they didn't happen then.  
  
“I know how to hold you and kiss you and make love to you.”  
  
“Take it back.” Cosima pleaded. _Please take it back and things can go back to normal. I can't lose you...  
  
_ “Why would I take it back? I have known you for nearly eight months. Even though you have been traveling much of the time did you really expect me not to develop feelings for you?” She was crying now too, her entire world crashing down as well. The look on Cosima's face, the refusal at her words, the tears streaming down her cheeks caused a pain in the doctor's chest that was damn near unbearable.  
  
“Feelings, yes, but...” Cosima shook her head.  
  
“I love you Cosima.”  
  
More tears fell from Cosima's eyes. “Delphine please.” She begged.  
  
Delphine quickly wiped her face, stood up straight and set her jaw. Cosima's reaction told her where the brunette stood. She knew in her soul Cosima felt the same way she did and she didn't know what she was so scared of, but she had to try. “This agreement isn't working for me anymore. I need more Cosima. More of you. I want you to be my girlfriend...Please. Tell me that you don't love me too and I will walk away.” Her voice broke as Cosima looked up and met her gaze. A gaze that once set her soul aflame and brought her so much happiness. “Tell me I've been reading this all wrong.”  
  
Cosima held Delphine's gaze in silence as she searched her heart, her mind and her soul for the right thing to do. Her heart and soul wanted to grab Delphine and never let go, but her brain was telling her this wasn't fair. Delphine never signed up for a sick girlfriend. Delphine deserved to be with someone who could give her everything. As much as she wished that could be her, it couldn't. But she could give her this. She could ignore her own feelings, her own love, so that Delphine could move on. Better for Delphine to hate her for breaking her heart than for part of her to die along with Cosima.  
  
“I'm so sorry Delphine. No one was suppose to get hurt.”  
  
There are things in life that cannot be unseen. Moments cannot be undone, words cannot be taken back. Things that the mind refuses to let go of no matter how badly they hurt. The look on Delphine's face in this moment is one such thing seared deep into Cosima's memory. Cosima wanted nothing more than to tell Delphine the truth. Tell her how she was completely head over heels in love with her and wanted nothing more than to be with her, but she couldn't. That would be selfish. She had to let Delphine go. Let her go so she could move on. Let her go to protect her.  
  
The sobs that echoed through the room as she pulled her suitcase from the closet absolutely destroyed her, but she had to do this. Delphine didn't deserve to watch her die. Better for her to hate her if she had to. Whatever she had to do to move on Cosima would accept. Delphine deserved everything. She deserved to be happy even if she had to be broken first.  
  
“ _What's in it?” Cosima asked, tentatively taking the steaming mugs from Delphine's outstretched hands.  
  
__Delphine threw her a wink as she crawled under the covers beside Cosima and pulled the brunette into her arms. “It's my grandmother's secret recipe. It will help you sleep I promise.”  
  
__Cosima smiled, settling into Delphine's embrace and handing the blonde her cup. As Delphine pressed play on the remote to start the movie Cosima took a tentative sip of the hot tea. It was a mix of flavors, half of which she couldn't identify, but she could taste chamomile, cinnamon, some kind of mint and a mix of fruits maybe lemon and . . . blackberry? Whatever it was it tasted absolutely divine and she would definitely weasel the recipe out of Delphine somehow. Or maybe she would just call the blonde when she couldn't sleep or she had another of these … episodes.  
  
__She never called Delphine before when these things happened. Admitting that she needed the blonde was just another thing that would have made this too real, so she would grab whatever article of clothing Delphine left the last time she was over and eventually she would get back to sleep. Only tonight had been particularly bad and she woke up feeling like she was being choked by some unseen force. In a moment of weakness she called Delphine and could finally breathe again.  
  
_ “ _I'm really sorry I woke you. I thought you turned your phone off at night.”  
  
__Whenever they were together Delphine turned her cell phone off before they went to sleep saying that if it was that important it would still be important when they woke up and at least then she would have gotten a good night's sleep and be ready to deal with it, so Cosima hadn't expected her to answer. She expected to get the doctor's voicemail and was hoping the sound of her voice would be enough to help her calm down. Instead she got a sleepy, but extremely alert Delphine who was at her door fifteen minutes later with a movie and a mysterious tea.  
  
_ “ _When I'm with you I do. There's no one I'd want to hear from in the middle of the night, but when I'm not I leave it on. In case you need me or want to see me or...anything.” She said it so casually, with a shrug of her shoulders. Like it wasn't any big deal, but it made Cosima's heart skip a beat.  
  
__With a smile she reached a hand up and turned Delphine's attention from the movie. “Thank you.” She didn't tell Delphine what had woken her and put her in such a state and Delphine didn't ask. She just showed up and was there.  
  
_ “ _I know you're gonna be, like, hella tired at work tomorrow.”  
  
_ “ _Oui c'est vrai.” Delphine chuckled. “Honestly I sleep much better with you beside me so my motives were not entirely altruistic.”  
  
_ “ _Oooohhh now I get it.” Cosima teased. “You're just using me, huh?”  
  
__Delphine joined in Cosima's laughter momentarily before a serious expression came over her face and she put their mugs on the nightstand and pulled Cosima's lips to hers.  
  
__The way their lips moved together always surprised Cosima. It was so comfortable and familiar like they had been kissing each other for years while at the same time each kiss felt like their first. Every time Delphine got that look in her eyes it gave her butterflies low in her belly, almost making her shake with anticipation until their lips met and everything else melted away. Nothing else mattered when they kissed. Nothing. Delphine was like a drug. All she wanted to do was drown in her. Lose herself in her kiss and float away. Each kiss left Cosima reeling. For a few moments the thoughts in her head stopped and everything was silent. Things made sense again. She had a purpose, she was happy. All she could hear and see and feel was Delphine.  
  
__When they pulled apart she leaned her forehead against Delphine's in a way that had become completely theirs. “I'm really glad you're here.”  
  
__Delphine leaned in for another kiss. “Me too.”_  
  
Against her better judgement Cosima walked back over to Delphine and kissed her. It was a sad mix of salt and heartbreak. She poured every ounce of herself into the kiss. With the kiss she said she was sorry, begged Delphine to understand, confessed her love, told her how badly she wished things could be different, how she wanted to be with Delphine more than she wanted anything. With the kiss she told Delphine how she was everything to her and how badly she would miss her. How no one had ever made her feel the way that she did. How she would love her long past her dying day.  
  
It was a cruel moment that reminded Cosima just how perfectly they fit. Their bodies slotted together seamlessly. Even their minds, their lives...everything just fit. Or could have, if things were different. She could almost hear their hearts breaking, but the kiss still made her heart race like it did every time.  
  
A little voice in the back of her head reminded her that Delphine could cure her. Probably. She worked at one of the most respected scientific and medical corporations in the world. Polio, Spanish Influenza...all prevented by vaccines developed at DYAD. So many preventatives and cures and treatments and millions of lives saved. Delphine could save her.  
  
Before she completely lost the last bit of resolve she had Cosima pulled away, not being able to resist leaning their foreheads together one last time. “I'll never feel the way I feel about you about anyone else . . . but I can't Delphine.” With a deep breath she pulled Delphine's hands from her face. “I'm so sorry.” With a squeeze she dropped Delphine's hands, grabbed her things and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do greatly apologize for this chapter...


	12. At the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but I'm not well versed in science so I totally made all of this up. Yay for fiction, right? This chapter was kind of hard for me to write. It's not that I'm anti-Shay. I'm sure I would have liked her if Evelyne Brochu hadn't shown up and destroyed my life, but I'm anti-Shay with Cosima. Die hard Cophine fan, but some Shaysima was necessary for this chapter.

2 YEARS AGO  
  
“I am afraid we don't have a name for it. I've certainly never seen anything like it before.”  
  
“Great.” Cosima scoffed. Her eyes wondered around the office at the various degrees and awards framed and hung pretentiously on the drab, grey walls. The ficus in the corner was dying and the plant on the window was hardly faring any better. If this guy couldn't keep a couple of plants alive how was he supposed to help her? Not exactly the vote of confidence she needed right now.  
  
“I am consulting with colleagues across North America and we hope to know more soon, but for now what I can tell you is that your lungs are filled with these small polyps.”  
  
“Unidentified polyps.” Cosima mumbled in disbelief. It didn't seem real. Sure she felt like shit and was coughing up blood, but these test results and numbers and images across her lap seemed a lot more serious than she was ready to deal with. The best part was that no one knew what it meant. Was this easily curable? Who knows. Would it kill her? Who knows. Are they tumors? Maybe. Was it a parasite? Perhaps. What would happen, what could she expect? No one knew a fucking thing and she was utterly petrified.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Dr. Nealon, what about a lung transplant?” Shay asked nervously, reaching out to grasp Cosima's shaky hand.  
  
The doctor closed the file in front of him and leaned back in his chair. “Well we aren't there yet, but even when we are it's unlikely that that will be a viable option. This … disease appears to be autoimmune. It's not like cancer that starts with one single, mutated cell and spreads from that. Her immune system is essentially attacking itself. It is destroying healthy cells and allowing these masses to go unchecked. Removing her lungs won't slow the disease down. If we do a transplant chances are it will attack the new lungs as well and she wouldn't be a good candidate for transplant under those circumstances. I'd like to run some more tests-”  
  
“More tests?” Cosima asked. “You just did a biopsy two weeks ago. I have been thoroughly poked and prodded to the point where I wasn't sure how I had any blood left. I've had X-rays, MRIs, an entire alphabet of scans. What more is there to do?”  
  
“Cos” Shay said softly, reaching over to wipe away the tear slowly trailing it's way down Cosima's cheek.  
  
Cosima looked deep into her girlfriend's eyes. The fear was clearly written all over the other woman's face. They were both petrified beyond anything they ever could have imagined. How long had it been since they had a normal conversation that wasn't laced with trepidation, caution and pause. For all intents and purposes their lives stopped with that first drop of blood that spilled from Cosima's lips.  
  
Cosima wasn't even sure how to breathe at this point or how much longer she would be able to. Her usual escape into science when things got tough was failing because there was no science on this. There were no studies or research or information anywhere. Neither the scientific or medical communities had anything on this. Or anything on anything like this, which, usually would have thrilled Cosima. Something unclassified to study and explore, to learn about, but this was her and this unknown may be killing her and suddenly unclassified wasn't so much fun anymore.  
  
With a nod she turned back to Dr. Nealon. “So then I'm guessing you don't have any idea what kind of time I'm looking at? Or if I even need to be thinking in terms of time?” Maybe it was just a fungus with a relatively easy fix? A girl can dream, right...  
  
“Not at this time. It all depends on how easily we can remove these polyps and how fast they spread. Now,” he turned to his laptop. “I'd like to get you in again before the end of the week for tests and next week I'd like to schedule a surgery to remove a couple of these masses. See how that goes; if we can even remove them, if they re-grow, if they continue to spread, that sort of thing.”  
  
“I'm just a valuable set of data to you, aren't I?” Cosima snapped. Honestly she wasn't meaning to be an asshole to the guy. This wasn't his fault anymore than it was hers, but at the moment he was a convenient outlet. And there was just something about him that bugged her. She didn't like the guy, but unfortunately he was the best. She knew that getting one of the masses under a microscope would be invaluable, more so than a tiny biopsy that hadn't shown them much, but something inside of her just wanted to lash out at anything and everything she could. Her mind was a shitstorm of feelings and emotions she didn't want to deal with – shouldn't have to deal with, because they were going to figure this out and she would be fine. No one would even have to know.  
  
“I will admit this is all very fascinating, but I assure you I am just trying to help.”?  
  
Cosima nodded. Whatever this illness was she knew they had to run every imaginable test they could. They needed as much data as possible to develop treatment options, to come up with a plan, to anticipate what would come next. Cosima had everything to live for. She had a good life; friends, family, sisters, Shay, a degree she has been working her entire adult life for that she loved, a very promissing future in the scientific field. Her entire life was waiting. She was only just beginning. “I'm willing to do anything.”  
  
“I'll be right here holding your hand the entire time. I promise.”  
  
Cosima offered the blonde a tight-lipped smile. They had a plan. First steps - they had a plan and she had Shay and she would get better and everything would go back to normal. Everything would be fine.  
  
That night they stayed up late, neither being able to keep their hands off the other. Reassuring themselves that for the moment Cosima was still there, comforting one another, promising they would get through all of it together.  
  
“I'm scared, Shay.”  
  
Shay placed a soft kiss in the center of Cosima's chest then gathered her frightened girlfriend in her arms. One hand played with her dreads while the other soothingly ran up and down her arm. “It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. Dr. Nealon said he's consulting with other doctors and they're running tests. They'll know more soon.”  
  
Cosima nodded, snuggling deeper into the blonde's embrace. Shay was naive. She didn't know the science like Cosima did so her heart didn't freeze in her chest with every new result Nealon forwarded or with every new symptom. “I don't want to die,” she whispered.  
  
“Babe” Shay's voice broke. “You're not going to die. We haven't tried anything yet. There are so many treatments, so many options.”  
  
“To treat something nobody has ever seen? How will they know what to do?” Cosima's mind was running at a mile a minute. So many scenarios and outcomes playing out in rapid-fire succession. Life, death, permanent lifelong consequences. So many questions without answers.  
  
Shay silenced her girlfriend with a kiss. “I know you're scared right now. I'm terrified, but they will figure this out.”  
  
“I can't leave you. And my sisters, my mother...oh God, what am I supposed to tell them? We have plans, Shay. Big plans. My PhD...There's so much I want to see and do. I can't, I can't-”  
  
“Baby, breathe.”  
  
Cosima forced ragged breaths before coughs wracked over her body, blood spilling from her lips to the sheets. Shay rubbed her back and whispered soothing words until Cosima calmed down, but the tears kept falling. Facing one's mortality was never easy, but facing it at such a young age wasn't something anyone knew what to do with. She was absolutely petrified. Her entire life flashed before her eyes, but it wasn't finished yet. She was nowhere near finished yet.  
  
As much as possible she tried not to think about it because if she did her blood turned to ice and breathing became even more difficult, which was really saying something given the circumstances, and every step felt like she was stepping deeper and deeper into quicksand barely keeping her head from falling under too. Some days she didn't even manage to do that.

Pot helped. And it also didn't as the smoke, no matter how natural, and irritation wasn't good for her damaged lungs, but it was either that or she legitimately would never be able to leave her bed with the dark tunnel she found her mind trapped in. She was drowning. The walls around her were closing in faster and faster and the light at the end of the tunnel got darker every day. As much as she tried she couldn't help but wonder what would happen when that light finally gave out? Or would the walls close in around her first?  
  
What would happen? How would it happen? Would she suffer until the end? Or simply fall asleep one day and never wake up? What happened when the blood stopped pumping and every molecule was still?  
  
“Dr. Nealon has a plan. You'll get better. I know it.”  
  
Only she didn't get better and the plan was much less of a plan and more like a set of theories. Months passed and they tried different outpatient treatments. There were numerous surgeries to remove polyps, various solutions injected into them. She tried homeopathy and naturopathy and different shots, pills, liquids, inhalers, special diets, acupuncture, oils...nothing made a damn bit of difference. The disease was spreading and it was spreading fast. In a few short months it moved from her lungs to her esophagus and she was on supplemental oxygen all but for short amounts of time to shower.  
  
“I'd like to check you into the hospital Ms. Niehaus. Start chemo, radiation-”  
  
Cosima shook her head. “Not happening.”  
  
“Cosima, please” Shay begged. True to her promise, Shay was there with her every step of the way. She took work off to be able to drive Cosima to every appointment and be there for every procedure. She held Cosima at night when she was crying out in pain, she held her dreads back as she emptied the contents of her stomach, she brought home flowers and croissants and wine and stupid sappy movies and through everything she was there. Unwavering. The only good thing Cosima could hold onto, but she could see how it affected her. How Shay cried when she thought Cosima was sleeping or couldn't hear over the sound of the shower. How the fallen Catholic had started praying again and wearing her cross. Anything and everything Cosima needed Shay was there.  
  
It was almost like she was a completely different person. Her usual attitude was gone, which Cosima admitted was nice. She didn't fight Cosima on stupid shit anymore, she helped more, did more of things Cosima liked and wanted to do. It was nice. Until Cosima remembered her girlfriend wasn't doing it because she was nice. She was doing it because Cosima was dying.  
  
“Ms. Niehaus whatever this disease is, it is very aggressive. For every polyp we remove two more pop up somewhere else. We cannot keep up with it like this-”  
  
“It doesn't seem like you can keep up with it at all,” she snapped.  
  
“Which is exactly why we need you here in the hospital. We have a plan-”  
  
“Do you?” Cosima deadpanned.  
  
“We will try a different treatment each week. Cyclophosphamide treatment with chemo and radiation...I would like to bring your sisters in for testing as well.”  
  
Cosima's face fell, her blood once again turning to ice, the pressure in her chest increasing ten fold. She didn't even want to think of the possibility of any of them going through this too. “Do you think they could have this?”  
  
“It's possible since you are all identical, but I was thinking more along the lines of finding a stem cell match for you. A bone marrow transplant could buy you the time we need to figure this out-”  
  
Cosima tuned the doctor out and looked out the window behind the large oak desk. It was raining. Fitting, she reasoned, given her mood. A few months ago she had so much hope. There was a list of treatments a mile long – something would make her better. Only nothing did and that list was now extremely small. The only options left were ones she wouldn't be able to do on an outpatient basis. She would need to be in the hospital hooked up to an IV twenty-four/seven. In Cosima's experience when you were sick enough to need to stay at the hospital you didn't come back.  
  
“ _Mommy! Mommy where is Daddy going?” Cosima stopped running as her mother grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back into the house. “Mommy I want to go with Daddy!”_  
  
“ _Cosima” Mrs. Niehaus knelt down in front of Cosima and ran a hand down one of her long braids. “I am so sorry you have to deal with this sweetheart. You're too young to-”_  
  
“ _I'm a big girl Mommy. I'm six!” Young Cosima beamed proudly, standing up straighter to prove her point._  
  
“ _You sure are sweetheart.” Mrs. Niehaus laughed. “Then I'm going to talk to you like a big girl, okay?” Cosima nodded her little head enthusiastically. She was extremely intelligent for her age, but her mother made sure people still treated her like a child. Cosima was bright. She could understand concepts and theories better than most twice her age, but she was still just a little girl. Just because she understood didn't mean she should have to. “Daddy is sick.”_  
  
“ _Is he gonna die?”_  
  
_Mrs. Niehaus took a deep breath, buying herself a second to swallow the lump in her throat. “He is very sick. The doctors said it's best for him to stay in the hospital right now. So I need you be strong, Cosima. And go upstairs and pack a bag. You're going to stay with grandma for a little while, okay?”_  
  
_Cosima nodded sadly, hugging her mother tight. “I'll be strong, Mommy.”_  
  
“We just need to fight this babe. Be strong.”  
  
Cosima couldn't even look at her girlfriend. She was fighting this. With every cell in her body she was fighting. The first time they were in this office she had been scared, naturally, but she had also been hopeful. Science was her friend not her enemy, but every time a treatment didn't work, every new mass, every new symptom, every time she struggled to breathe her hope faded. Little by little the fight had been taken out of her. Now she was just tired. So very very tired. A deep ache in her soul kind of exhausted.

* * *

It was getting to be too much to keep up with her PhD work. Some days she was too tired to make it to class much less the lab to work on the research for her dissertation.  
  
“Babe, come on. Cosima-”  
  
“Shay I can do this.”  
  
“No you can't.” Shay stepped behind Cosima just in time to catch her as her legs gave out.  
  
“I need to get to the lab.” Cosima protested with a quivering chin.  
  
“Cosima” Shay began gently, taking the bag from her girlfriend's hands without much resistance.  
  
“I don't want this disease to take this from me Shay. My PhD is . . . it's everything. Everything I've ever wanted, everything I've been working for. I need this.” When she was nine years old and her father died, Cosima decided she wanted to become a scientist. She vowed not to stop until people didn't have to lose their loved ones like she lost her father. This disease was literally stealing the breath she was breathing, but for it to take away this too was unimaginable. Being sick was one thing. Letting her father down was another. She made a promise.   
  
Shay smiled sadly at her girlfriend, helping her out of her jacket and shoes. “I know it is. But I need you to live, okay? Everything else is secondary. I think ...I think you need to take a break. Until you beat this thing,” she added quickly as Cosima took a deep breath to protest, helping the shaky brunette to her feet. “Your work will always be there. You can go back and finish once you're better.”  
  
“What...what if I don't get better, Shay.”  
  
“Cosima don't talk like that.”  
  
“I'm serious Shay. What if I don't get better? What if this is it for me?”  
  
Shay silently led Cosima over to the couch and sat her down before moving into the kitchen.  
  
“Shay we need to talk about this!”  
  
“I can't talk about this Cosima!” Shay turned around with tears streaming down her face. “That is not an option. You are going to beat this.”  
  
“And if I don't?” Cosima pushed. At first her girlfriend's positive attitude had been a blessing. When Cosima was feeling particularly doubtful or panicked or scared Shay would hold her close and tell her how everything would be fine. It would suck for a bit, but Cosima would get better and things would go back to normal. Now it wasn't helping. Cosima was a scientist, she knew what her test results meant. She needed to talk about this, to face her own mortality, and she needed Shay's help to do that. “Shay please. I need to know what will happen if I don't.”  
  
Seeing the desperation in her girlfriend's eyes Shay crossed back to Cosima and held the brunette as close as humanely possible. “Then I will still be there. Always.”

* * *

“Here you go nice and slow. That's it.”  
  
Cosima pushed the glass of fluorescent orange liquid away as another spasm took hold of her lungs.  
  
“Cosima maybe it's time to listen to the doctors.” Shay said gently as she rubbed circles low on Cosima's back. “Maybe it's time to check yourself into the hos-”  
  
“No.”  
  
Shay let out a frustrated sigh. “You're getting worse. Dr. Nealon said that there are much more aggressive treatments they can do in the hospital. A couple shots a week and a handful of pills clearly aren't helping you.”  
  
Cosima settled herself back against the headboard and took deep breaths. “If I go into the hospital I'm not coming back out.”  
  
“Don't be so dramatic.” Shay chuckled.  
  
“Dramatic? Is this a fucking game to you?” Cosima's eyes narrowed.  
  
“You know it's not. I'm as invested in this as you are.”  
  
“Oh really?” Cosima scoffed. “Because I don't see you struggling for every single breath you take. I don't see you giving up _your_ dreams, everything _you've_ ever worked for. I don't see your body slowly eating itself from the inside out. I don't see you fighting with everything you have to get nowhere – to get worse. So don't give me that shit.”  
  
“Look Cosima you can yell at me all you want. Hell you can be mad that I'm healthy if it helps you feel better, but I will _not_ let you push me away. We are in this together whether you like it or not right now,” she took a deep breath and cupped Cosima's face gently in her hands. Being so weak, Cosima didn't have the strength to look anywhere but right into the blonde's eyes and she saw something. Something deep. Something different, but she couldn't tell what. Whatever it was, it was unnerving. “I know you're scared. I am petrified. If being mad at me helps you feel better, than go ahead. But you do not get to tell me I'm not invested in this. You are my life Cosima.”  
  
Cosima's heart fell and she crumbled. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” she cried. “I don't know what to do Shay. I don't want to die.”  
  
“Then fight Cosima!”  
  
“I am! I'm just so tired.” It had gotten to the point where walking down the hall to the bathroom took a huge toll on her body. Every time she tried to eat anything she got sick. She lost weight and muscle tone, her skin had lost it's sun-kissed glow and was getting more and more translucent by the day, her hair was falling out. Her body was shutting down.  
  
“If you won't fight for yourself” Shay began, taking Cosima's weak hands in her own. “Fight for me.”  
  
“I don't know how much more I can fight.” Cosima said sadly as she looked down at their joined hands. She barely had the strength to run her thumb across the back of her girlfriend's hand.  
  
“You need more aggressive treatment. Beth was the best match for a bone marrow transplant. Let Dr. Nealon keep you in the hospital and get the transplant. That at least gives you a real chance. Then maybe the other treatments would work better.”  
  
“If I go into the hospital it . . . it feels like I'm giving up.”  
  
“You're not giving up sweetie. You're fighting.”  
  
Cosima took a breath and with what little strength she had left, lifted her head to look her girlfriend in the eyes. It felt like a surrender. It felt like she was giving this disease permission to take what little she had left, but Shay's eyes were so hopeful. Every week when they went to Dr. Nealon's office for her weekly check-ins, Shay hung on his every word. It didn't seem like he could do any wrong in her book, or be wrong. Her naivete gave her a hope Cosima, as a scientist, knew better than to hold on to.  
  
“Okay,” she agreed softly. She didn't agree that it was what was best for her, but if it would make Shay happy she would do it for her.

* * *

“Hey. There you are.”  
  
“About bloody time.”  
  
Cosima opened her eyes slowly, the bright fluorescent lights taking some time to get used to. When the room came into focus she smiled. “Hey guys. When did you get here?”  
  
“This morning.” Sarah answered. “You've been pretty out of it all day.”  
  
“Yeah, well, welcome to my life.” Cosima grimaced as she attempted to sit up. Beth was up in a second to help.  
  
“I thought the bone marrow was supposed to help you, Cosima?”  
  
“It is.” Cosima said as she adjusted the ever present cannula on her face. It never stayed in the right place when she was sleeping. “This is me doing better.”  
  
“Why didn't you tell us it was this bad?” Sarah asked gently, but Cosima could tell she was desperately trying to keep her emotions in check.  
  
All Cosima could do was shrug. She knew, of course. Telling them just how bad things were would only make everything seem so final. Like admitting she was this sick was admitting that she wasn't going to get better. Because if she was going to get better she wouldn't have to tell them any of this and she could avoid the looks they were giving her right now. “Where's Shay? She go get something to eat, or...”  
  
Beth and Sarah shared a quick look between them. “We haven't seen her today.” Beth said.  
  
Cosima's brow furrowed in confusion. “Like, at all?”  
  
Her sisters shook their heads. “Maybe she's at work?” Sarah offered.  
  
Cosima ran a hand through her dreads – nowadays looking a lot thinner as the majority of her treatment side effects included hair loss. “No, she took a leave. She hasn't left since I've been here,” she thought. How would she really know though as she slept ninety percent of the time. Her phone was laying on the bedside table, but she was too weak to reach for it. “Can someone check my phone?”  
  
“Yeah.” Being the one closest Beth grabbed the cell off the table. “Passcode?”  
  
“My birthday.”  
  
“That is seriously not smart.” Sarah teased. “You should know better.”  
  
“Shut-up, I know.” Cosima couldn't help but chuckle.  
  
“There's a missed call from Shay early this morning. Before we got here. And a voicemail.”  
  
“Okay, play it.” Cosima nodded tiredly. These days she could barely stay awake for even five/ten minutes.  
  
“ _Hey Cos.”_  
  
What little color left in Cosima's face drained immediately. Shay was crying. Since her diagnosis Shay never let Cosima see or hear her cry except for one time. Cosima had heard her, of course, but not for Shay's lack of trying.  
  
“ _I am so sorry . . . I can't....I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong like you. I . . . I'm sorry.”_  
  
“What the bloody hell?”  
  
“Is she serious?”  
  
Cosima remained silent as every nerve ending in her body shook with an ice cold chill. This wasn't happening. Shay promised. Promised to be there. Promised not to leave her. Promise they would fight this together. It wasn't possible. The only reason she was lying in this hospital bed right now was for Shay. “No … no no no no.”  
  
“Right then.” Sarah stood up straighter. “I'm going to your place. See what the bloody hell she meant by that.”  
  
Sarah was gone before Cosima or Beth could say anything. After a while of Cosima sitting there staring straight ahead not moving or speaking Beth turned the TV on for some background noise. She didn't try to get Cosima to speak for which Cosima was grateful. All she did was hold her sister's clamy hand and let her know that someone was there.  
  
Half an hour later the ringing of a cell phone woke Cosima from her light slumber and Beth answered it on speaker. It was obvious by the loud breath Sarah let out before she spoke that it wasn't good news. “She's gone,” she said with a combination of anger at Shay and sympathy for her sister. “All her stuff, her car, the keys are on the counter . . . I'm so sorry Cos.”  
  
As if waking from a dream Cosima took in a loud breath of air before sobs overtook her whole body. It was as if the world disappeared beneath her feet. Of all the scenarios and outcomes of this disease she had run through her head, this was never one of them. Shay was the one constant in her life through everything. This disease had taken her hopes and dreams and plans for the future and now it took her love too.  
  
What was the point in fighting to stay alive if she was losing everything anyway?  
  
Cosima looked across at her sister as the world faded to black.


	13. What About You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Movie Cosima is watching is 'Never Been Kissed' and the song is 'What ifs' by Kane Brown. Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and reviewing and leaving kudos! I absolutely love reading your reviews and seeing your thoughts and perspectives! You guys rock!

Cosima grabbed her suitcase off the conveyor belt and wheeled it toward the exit. All she wanted was to go home and sleep for the next month. This was an entirely new level of exhaustion. She was mentally, physically and emotionally wrung out. It had been tough, but she'd held it together down the elevator to the lobby of the hotel, in the cab ride to the airport, at the airport waiting five hours for the earliest flight back home, the twelve hour flight home with a stop over in Paris-because her life didn't suck enough at the moment, and now all she wanted to do was hole up with a box of eskimo pies, a couple bottles of wine and lose it. Then sleep until her life somehow worked it's shit out.  
  
“Auntie Cosima!”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath and forced a smile onto her face, jogging over to her niece and scooping her up in her arms. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to see Kira, but she really just needed to get somewhere safe where she could finally unleash the torrent of emotions she was barely containing. Kira was her niece and Cosima loved her with all of her heart, but what she needed was to scream and cry and break things and drink herself stupid. Her heart, her body, even her hands physically ached. They ached to be near Delphine; to kiss her, to hold her, to hear the sweet sound of her voice. To replace the image seared into Cosima's mind of her standing there in the hotel room looking unimaginably broken with a happier memory. One where Delphine was smiling and laughing or even throwing her head back in ecstasy, but despite all their memories the past eight months all she could see was the pain.

“Hiya Monkey! God you've grown so much!”  
  
“You weren't gone that long.”  
  
“Feels like forever.” Cosima mumbled under her breath as she gave Kira a squeeze and set her down. “Hey where's your...Mom.” Cosima shook her head with a chuckle as she saw Sarah standing a few feet away, holding a sign with 'GEEK MONKEY' written in big, bold letters. “Cute.”  
  
“Ya think?”  
  
“I drew the monkey!” Kira said excitedly.  
  
“Did you? The monkey is the best part.” Cosima praised as she playfully glared at her sister, holding her arm over her face as she let out a wet cough.  
  
“Come on Kira I bet Auntie Cosima is tired-” Sarah began, taking Cosima's carry-on and swatting her hands away from the suitcase until the scientist let go.  
  
“Too tired to tell us about Italy?”  
  
Cosima smiled sadly at the young girl before locking eyes with her sister. “Of course not.”  
  
“Come on Monkey. Let's get Auntie Cos home and she can tell us all about it, yeah?”

* * *

“You didn't have to send her away you know?”  
  
Sarah closed the door with a final wave. “I'm not. Cal had this thing he wanted to take her to, but I told him Kira really wanted to see you so he could take her after,” she gestured to the door. “This is after. So,” With a deep breath she plopped herself down on the sofa beside her sister. “What happened?”  
  
Cosima sighed and pushed herself off the couch. If they were going to have this conversation she needed to start in on the bottles of wine she planned to liberate before the night was over. “I ended it.” Grabbing the first bottle of wine she saw she quickly uncorked it and poured herself a generous glass. “Wine?”  
  
“I'm not that classy.”  
  
Cosima's eyes went wide as she took a sip of the wine, her hands turning the bottle to check the label. French. Delphine brought it the last time she was over.  
  
“ _You wouldn't be trying to get in my pants now would you?” Cosima teased as she took the two bottles of wine from Delphine, letting her into the house._  
  
“ _I don't think I need to get you drunk for that.”_  
  
“ _And I'm the cheeky one?”_  
  
Quickly pouring her sister a glass of bourbon, Cosima carried their drinks into the living room. "Don't give me that look. I only keep that bottle for you and I know you can drink it." She handed Sarah the over-full glass and sat down, bringing her own glass back to her lips.  
  
“Spill Cos.”  
  
“She told me she loved me.” Cosima said softly, not looking up from her glass.  
  
Sarah sighed. “Shite.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And do you..?”  
  
Cosima nodded. “Of course I do. Delphine is . . . she's amazing,” she said sadly.  
  
“Cosima-”  
  
“Don't Sarah. I have been beating myself up since I walked away so please just . . . don't.”  
  
“You don't have to do this. The time for your bloody _no attachments, nobody gets hurt_ rule is over. She loves you. And you walked away. There's no way she's not hurting right now. You're hurting right now. Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life?”  
  
“It's for the best, Sarah.”  
  
“You know I don't bloody understand you. Just because Shay left-”  
  
“This has nothing to do with Shay.”  
  
“Doesn't it?”  
  
“ _Mom?” Cosima cracked the door to her mother's bedroom open and poked her head in. “Mom?” Cosima's grandmother had brought her to the hospital right from school so it was nearly dinnertime, but the curtains in her mother's room were still drawn leaving the room dark. “Mom?”_  
  
“ _Hm?”_  
  
_Cosima walked into the room, leaving the door open wide so she could see and slowly made her way over to the bed. “My project won first place at the city science fair today,” she said quietly, unhappily even. Cosima knew she should be proud of what she did. She beat out students from all over the city, some years older than herself, but to her it never felt good enough. As if even that was an embarrassment. She couldn't help but think that if she did good enough, if she was good enough, her Mom would come home. "Mrs. Tate wants me to go to the state competition they have in Sacramento. She said she can take me as long as you sign the permission slip.”_  
  
“ _Mmm.”_  
  
_Cosima sighed and place the permission slip on the nightstand beside her mother. It had been almost two years since her father died and her mother was barely even a person anymore. There were moments she was like her old self and she would be the doting mother Cosima remembers and they would laugh and play, but for the most part she stayed in bed all the time. Her grandmother made the decision that it would be best for her daughter to be checked into a psychictric hospital for the time being and moved into their home to care for Cosima. While very intelligent for her age, Cosima was still just a girl. She needed clean clothes and food and someone to get her to school on time. Right now her mother couldn't do that._  
  
“ _Don't worry Mommy” Cosima said as she placed a gentle kiss on her mother's cheek. “I'll be strong.”_  
  
“Jesus Cos.” Sarah sighed, taking in this new information.  
  
“Watching my father die destroyed her. It wasn't until I was in high school that she started being . . .” Her hands moved around in front of her as she searched for the right words. “Normal again. She was released from the hospital just before my sixteenth birthday.”  
  
“Why didn't you tell me?”  
  
“Because it felt stupid to complain about that when I still had so much.” Cosima shook her head. “Besides, she eventually got out and things got better, so...”  
  
Sarah sighed, her face softening at her sister's pain. “Cosima,” she began softly. “Just because that happened to your mum doesn't mean that would be how losing you would affect Delphine. That was just one person's experience. Mrs. S lost her husband too.” Her heart was breaking for her sister. She could understand why Cosima never told any of them about her mother. Sarah's own childhood had been one miserable experience after another, but just because she had money didn't mean Cosima didn't hurt just as much as she did. It gave her a much better understanding of why her sister was so adamant about pulling away from Delphine and her stupid rule. Cosima had a heart of gold. She was sweet and kind and always put others before herself. Not surprising she would sacrifice her last shot at a little happiness to spare someone else pain. Even if it was all wrong.

Even with this new information Sarah knew that wasn't the only reason. Shay left her sister with some deep scars. Cosima didn't want to open herself up to anyone else to potentially be let down again. When Cosima love she did so with everything she had in her and if she did that, if she gave Delphine her heart, that meant telling Delphine she was sick and opening herself to be left again.  
  
“I-”  
  
A knock on the front door interrupted her. With a raised brow she watched Sarah get up and move a tiny section of the curtain covering the big bay window across the room. “Shit it's Delphine.”  
  
“Shit!” Every emotion quickly found it's way to Cosima's throat. She couldn't breathe. Her heart lept to her throat, tears sprung to her eyes, her arms and legs felt like lead. She wasn't strong enough to see Delphine right now even though every fiber of her being screamed for the other woman. “I...” she sputtered, trying to speak around everything she was feeling.  
  
“Hide. I'll deal with this.”  
  
Without any further encouragement Cosima ran through the living room into the office and hid behind the door, making sure it was fully closed. Part of her wanted to hear Delphine's voice, let the timbre and the accent wash over her and fill her with a sense of peace and calm as a childhood blanket would, but a bigger part was afraid to hear what she had to say or to hear the emotion in her voice. She was barely holding it together. If she heard Delphine falter or heard the tears in her words she would break.  
  
Sarah opened the door slowly after a final look to make sure her sister was well hidden. People rarely tried anything with her so she doubted that if Delphine couldn't see Cosima she would try to get in. Delphine didn't seem like the type to fight her way in, but after what happened Sarah wasn't ruling anything out. People in love do weird things when their love is denied. Like a caged animal they can lash out, destroying any and everything in their path. Or they can curl up in a corner and wait. Wait for things to get better, wait for the pain to pass, wait until they're strong enough to stand up again...  
  
Personally she had no issue with the blonde. She didn't know her well enough to have an opinion yet, but she respected her sister's wishes even if she didn't understand them which sometime made her seem like quite the bitch. Sadly she now understood.  
  
Though she didn't know Delphine very well, she had seen her enough to be able to tell that the doctor looked like shit. There were dark bags under her eyes, her face was red and puffy and she had this look of utter defeat in her eyes.  
  
“I need to see Cosima.”  
  
“She's not here. She's still in Italy.”  
  
Delphine raised an eyebrow, but Sarah stood her ground. “Do you know why she did this?”  
  
Sarah took a breath and nodded sadly. “Yeah I do.”  
  
“Tell me.” Delphine begged. “Please. I need to know.”  
  
“It's not my place Delphine. Cosima thinks it's for the best.”  
  
“Do you?”  
  
Sarah shook her head. “It's not my decision is it?” This was so fucked up. These two women were both completely heartbroken. She couldn't pretend to know what her sister was going through or why she thought this was best for either herself or Delphine, but Cosima was her sister. Cosima never asked for much, but she asked them to respect her decision and so Sarah would.  
  
“We were so happy. I don't understand.” Delphine shook her head, a single tear sliding down her cheek that she didn't bother wiping away. It wasn't the first. And it was far from the last.  
  
Sarah sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I don't know if this will make things better or worse, but Cosima-”  
  
“Don't!” Delphine interrupted. “Don't tell me she feels the same way I do. If she did she wouldn't be doing this.”  
  
“Look” Sarah took a step closer, her voice a mere whisper. “I warned you. I told you to stay away.”  
  
“ _Oi Frenchie.”_  
  
_Delphine's head whipped around. “Sarah, right?” She asked, turning the water off and grabbing a paper towel._  
  
“ _Don't pretend you don't know exactly who I am.”_  
  
_Delphine threw the towel out and turned toward the bathroom exit, but Sarah had moved directly in front of it. “Is there something I can do for you?” Sarah looked as if she was trying to be intimidating, but Delphine had seen worse. She could take the pink-sized grifter if she needed to._  
  
“ _If you tell Cos about this you will regret it,” she began. “But I'm gonna need you to stay away from her.”_  
  
“ _Excuse me?”_  
  
“ _You heard me.” Sarah stated simply, standing herself up straighter._  
  
“ _Did something happen in London? I know you just got back-”_  
  
“ _This has nothing to do with London. This is about Cosima.”_  
  
“ _I think Cosima is capable of making her own decisions.” Delphine said, crossing her arms over her chest. There was this unyielding urge to get back to Cosima and away from this completely different version of her as fast as possible._  
  
“ _Not when it comes to you she isn't.”_  
  
_Delphine was perplexed. All she had done was spend one night with Cosima so she had no idea what Sarah was talking about, but she needed to get back upstairs. “What exactly do you think I'm going to do to her? You don't know me. You don't know what-”_  
  
“ _I'm not worried about what you'll do to her. I'm worried about what she'll do to you.”_  
  
_Delphine opened and closed her mouth as she stared at the woman in front of her. She looked so much like Cosima and yet they couldn't be any more different, but Sarah had that same closed off sadness Delphine had seen in Cosima's eyes. “I'm a big girl Sarah. I can take care of myself.”_  
  
“ _Just...stay away. For your own sake.”_  
  
Without another word Delphine turned and walked away and Sarah ran to pick up the broken pieces of her sister's heart.

* * *

“ _...that moment when you kiss someone, and everything around you becomes hazy...and the only thing in focus is you and this person...and you realize that this person is the only person that you are supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh, and you wanna cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away at the same time.”_  
  
“Oh, you've gotta be freaking kidding me...” As if on cue Cosima's phone rang and she tore her eyes from the movie.  
  
_Delphine calling_  
  
“Seriously? Even the universe is torturing me right now.” Cosima wanted nothing more than to answer and hear that gorgeous French lilt she missed so much, or respond to any one of the dozens of texts she'd gotten, but she knew she couldn't. With great accuracy she flung the ringing device across the room right at the TV. Everything was mocking her.  
  
“Hey!”  
  
Cosima sighed. “Sorry.”  
  
Beth set her laptop to the side and sat down on the coffee table across from where Cosima had made herself a little nest on the couch of nearly every blanket Beth owned and a healthy supply of eskimo pies.  
  
“Look Cosima I am very happy to have you stay here until things with Delphine calm down,” she began softly. “But I draw the line at destroying my shit.” She joked, but Cosima wasn't laughing. It had been too long since she had even smiled.  
  
Cosima nodded. “Sorry, I just...” She trailed off. Since Delphine had shown up at her house over a week ago she was steering clear of her own place for a while. If Delphine saw a light on or any indication that Cosima was home Cosima was afraid she wouldn't leave until she opened the door and if she saw Delphine she knew she would crumble. Alison had the kids, Felix had a plethora of guys, Mrs. S has Sarah and Kira, and Helena didn't have a place so Beth won the _'who gets to keep Cosima this time'_ lottery. To be fair she offered, but still. Cosima hated being more of a burden to her family than she already was even if they told her they were happy to help. It's why she got her own place to begin with.  
  
Despite the fact that Delphine and Beth were friends and she knew where Beth lived, and where Alison and Sarah and Felix lived, she thankfully hadn't been desperate enough to start banging on her sisters' doors to find her. A fact that both relieved and saddened Cosima. It was a constant conflict of emotions she had to sift through. This was her choice, she should be relieved that Delphine was at least leaving her alone in that regard even if she still called. On the other hand, she couldn't help but feel that if Delphine truly loved her she would try harder. Which she realized was completely fucked, but c'est la vie.  
  
Beth nodded sadly and with a comforting hand, left the room.  
  
Cosima sighed, grabbed another eskimo pie and flipped on the stereo beside her. Music was always good at calming her down.  
  
“ _What if I was made for you and you were made for me_  
_What if this is it, what if it's meant to be_  
_What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game_  
_What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in_  
_And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss_  
_What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name_  
_What if I loved all these what ifs away?”_  
  
Cosima laughed. A loud, full-bodied, straight from the gut sort of laugh that had her doubled over with tears streaming down her cheeks. Eventually the song ended and the laughter subsided, but the tears kept falling. At some point Beth must have decided she needed reinforcements because when Cosima woke up from a little impromptu nap Sarah, Helena and Alison were there too.  
  
“Why does this feel like a break-up?” She asked through tears. Alison was at her side instantly, making herself room to sit beside Cosima and gently guiding her head down onto her lap. Out of all of them Alison had always been the most maternal. Gently she ran her fingers through Cosima's dark waves and sighed. “Because it is sweetie.”  
  
“It's not though.” Cosima protested, making a futile attempt to wipe the tears from her face. As much as she kept wiping they kept falling. “We were never together.”  
  
“Bullshit.” Beth whispered softly.  
  
“You may not have had the title,” Alison began “But you two spent nearly every moment you were in Toronto together.”  
  
“Neither of you were seeing anyone else. At least you haven't for a while . . . you fell in love.” Beth said sadly. “Any way you spin that it's a relationship sweetie.”  
  
Cosima cried harder as her sisters tried to comfort her as best they could, but there was no known cure for a broken heart. Surely from all the tears she'd cried Cosima should have been suffering from some form of dehydration.  
  
“Babka, sestra? It always makes me feel better.”  
  
Cosima smiled at her sister and hoisted herself up in the massive cocoon of blankets, reaching out for the offered plate. “Thanks 'Lena.”  
  
“Hey Cos?” Cosima made some sort of mumbled noise around her mouthful of cake in response and Sarah continued. “You know you...you weren't this upset when Shay left..?”  
  
It was left in a sort of question, but Cosima wasn't sure how to respond. Her sister was right. When it happened she had been a wreck, but maybe it was the reality of fighting for her life and simply not having the time or energy that dried her tears and stopped her from thinking about the other woman. Even in the time after Shay when she was healing with her family and reality slapped her hard across the face on more than one occasion, she hadn't been this upset. “I was fighting for my life then Sarah. I was a little busy.” Not a lie, but not the complete truth either.  
  
Shay was different. Cosima loved her, but it was different. She never needed her the way she needed Delphine. Maybe it was because the circumstances were different, but from the moment she and Delphine met she knew Delphine was special. Even if she wanted to Cosima couldn't put it into words. It was just this pull. Cosima felt it deep in the depths of her soul and it was that same pull had made her fall in love. Or maybe she fell in love when their eyes first met months ago across the crowded dance floor. Whatever the case, with love comes wanting what's best for the other person, wanting them to be happy. After watching her mother watch her father die and watching her mother slowly disappear with him, Cosima could never do that to Delphine.  
  
Delphine was so loving and caring and sweet. She had a light about her. Cosima would not be the reason that light went out. There would be pain now and probably for a while, but Delphine was strong. She would be okay eventually.  
  
“Sestra” Helena began, pulling Cosima out of her own head. “In convent, when the nuns are beating the demons out of us, they say that we do not deserve to be happy. That we do not deserve love.”  
  
Cosima looked up into her sister's sad eyes. Helena never willingly brought up her past. The Ukrainian avoided the topic of her childhood like the plague, so for her to be speaking of it was a big deal. Cosima swallowed deeply and with a nod she gave Helena's hand a gentle squeeze encouraging her to continue.  
  
“Blonde puppy makes you happy, yes?”  
  
“Yeah”  
  
“You love her?”  
  
Cosima nodded. “Like nothing else.”  
  
“Even though I do not understand it, you think you are doing what is best for her. You are sacrificing your own happiness for her. So that she will be happy?”  
  
Cosima blinked thickly through the tears and slowly nodded her response.   


“But Sestra, what about you? What about your happiness? You've been going on trips and saying how you want to _live_ , but is this living? Trust me sestra, love is all that matters. You are lucky to find love. In convent we wished we had love. Is a waste to throw it away.”

 


	14. Deep End

Cosima sat on her bead, a wide array of pictures strewn about as she chose which to include in her Italy album and which to put away. At the time she hadn't been aware of exactly how many pictures of or with Delphine she was taking, but it had to be at least eighty percent of the pictures had the blonde in them some way or another. Cosima seriously considered making an album just for her and Delphine, but there was already enough salt in the wound without adding more. These albums were for her anyway, so if the Italy album was mostly her, Delphine and a couple of landscapes so be it. She would only be torturing herself.  
  
Part of Cosima wanted to torture herself though. Because these pictures, these memories, were all she had left of Delphine. So if looking at them and reminding herself of what she had, and lost, was the only way to keep her connection to the blonde without hurting her then she would do it. If she had to hurt to protect Delphine then she would look at these pictures and hurt because they look so ridiculously happy that it broke her heart, but made her smile at the same time. These memories, these pictures, showed that she found a little bit of light at the end of her days. A brilliant, beautiful, French goddess of a light who turned her world upside down and brought her a joy she never expected to feel.  
  
She and Delphine could have been something great if she'd had the time.  
  
Her cell phone vibrated beside her and she looked just long enough to see Delphine's name flash across the screen.  
  
It had only been a couple of weeks since she last saw the blonde, but Cosima already felt the weight and tension of loneliness deep in her bones. Her skin screamed to be touched, her hand begged to be held, her body was crying out for release. Her sisters took, okay so maybe it was more like dragged, her to Clone Club a few times, with strict orders to the bouncers to let Sarah know immediately if Delphine showed up. And there had been other girls dancing with her, touching her, kissing her, trying to take her home, but it all felt so so wrong. No one's body fit against hers the right way. Hands were too rough, too grabby, lips not as soft, they didn't smell of lavender, vanilla and cigarettes and just tasted wrong. None of them were Delphine.  
  
Cosima resigned herself to the fact that Delphine would be the last person to ever really touch her. To make her feel. To reach into her inner most parts and make her come undone. At first that just made her even more depressed, but now it had a sort of romantic symmetry. There had to be a last person to touch her eventually so why not Delphine? At least Delphine was someone she loved. At least the last person to touch her had made love to her - slowly, sweetly, mind-blowingly passionately. It hadn't just been sex. It had never just been sex with Delphine.  
  
Cosima was back at her house now and Delphine hadn't stopped by again. She called and texted and emailed and even sent a couple of good old fashioned letters, but no in person visits. Which both saddened and relieved the brunette. It had been a few weeks since her break down on Beth's couch and Cosima was trying to keep a bit of distance from her sisters as well. They meant well and wanted what was best for her, but she couldn't get Helena's words out of her head. The guilt she felt at knowing how badly Helena's childhood had been and at knowing that all she ever wanted was to be safe and happy and loved and here was Cosima having all of that and essentially throwing it away.  
  
She just wished her sisters would understand. They didn't grow up with a mother who lost herself after the love of her life died. They didn't have to take care of another person before they were barely old enough to take care of themselves. They'd never seen what happens to a person when they lose that other half of themself. They'd never had to witness one soulmate trying to live after watching the other die. Cosima wanted so much more than that for Delphine. She loved her so much that this was killing her, but it was better this way.  
  
In a way she was glad they didn't understand. That they never had to go through that and that it had never happened to them, but it created this elephant in the room. Even though they tried their best to support her decision, they would never understand or agree with it.  
  
There was one person who did, though.  
  
“How you doing Chicken?”  
  
Cosima looked up from the photographs and greeted Siobhan with a smile. Siobhan was like a mother to her – to them all. She was tough as nails, took no bullshit, loved with all she had and had also watched the love of her life die. “I'm okay.” Cosima answered honestly. She was always okay.  
  
“Hope you don't mind I just let myself in? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days.”  
  
“No, no not at all. You know you're welcome anytime, S.”  
  
“What's going on, then? Not like you not to contact someone for this long.”  
  
Cosima sighed. “None of them get it, you know?”  
  
S nodded slowly as she moved a few of the pictures to make space to sit down on the other end of the bed. “God willing they never will.”  
  
“No, of course not. I don't wish it on anyone.”  
  
Siobhan looked around the bed at the various photos. “These for your new album?”  
  
“Mhmm. Trying to decide which to use.”  
  
S reached over and took the first picture off of the small pile in front of Cosima. It was the picture of her and Delphine on that little cove they stopped at when they went kayaking. Where Delphine turned her head right before she took the picture, placing a kiss on Cosima's cheek and Cosima, in turn, had her head tilted toward the blonde with a small smile on her lips. “This one belongs in a frame. You two are beautiful together.” The little time she and Delphine spent on that cove were some of the happiest moments of her life. The happiness and love she and Delphine felt for one another could be felt through the glossy sheen of the photo paper.  
  
“Oh God S, not you too?” Cosima pleaded, the desperation clear in her voice. She needed one person, just one, to truly be on her side and not just placating her or supporting her wishes because she was dying. Just one person who understood.  
  
“No.” S smiled softly and handed the picture back. “No, I get it. Losing my John . . .” Swallowing deeply the older woman smiled sadly up at Cosima. “It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It destroyed me. For years I didn't know which end was up or where I was going. I was . . . lost.” Cosima's heart broke as she watched the pain flash across this woman's face. This woman who seemed so strong. This woman who had been there for each and every one of the sestras without fail, without question. Another smile came to her face, happier this time. “Until one day this raggedy little girl with wild hair and skinned knees showed up on my door step. God she was a mess if I'd ever seen one.”  
  
Cosima chuckled, imagining a younger version of her wild sister. Wasn't hard to imagine the look Siobhan was describing.  
  
“And I had a purpose again. I had a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to fight the darkness in my own head – to get out of my own head. I realized that I was still alive. I still had this life to live. I just had to learn to live it without him.”  
  
“So you get it?”  
  
S nodded. “Oh I get it love. I miss him every single day. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wish for just a minute more with him. If I was the one who would have died and I knew it was coming I would have pushed him away too and saved him all that pain. I would have pushed him so far his head spun. But you know what?”  
  
Cosima looked up expectantly.  
  
“If I'd have known what was going to happen, if I'd have known how much I would hurt without him … I'd have loved him anyway. I'd do it all again. I'd probably have loved him more actually. I'd have stayed up late, kissed him more, held him longer...And it would have been worth it. It _was_ worth it. Every moment of pain, because loving him in the time we had was worth it. It was worth everything.”  
  
“Yeah, but that's different. You knew each other for years. You were married, had a home, had a...a life together. I've known Delphine for...seven/eight months and haven't been around for a lot of it.”  
  
“Is it really so different?” Siobhan asked gently.  
  
Cosima looked up into eyes that held pain beyond anything Cosima could ever imagine. Maybe it wasn't so different. She was with Shay for four years and what she felt for her was completely different from what she felt for Delphine. Delphine completed her. She was what Cosima needed to make her life complete, but how complete would her life ever be really? She felt their connection deep down in the pit of her soul. There wasn't a single doubt in her mind that Delphine was her soulmate, but she tried not to dwell on it too much lest it destroy her.  
  
“Seven/eight months, seven/eight years...It's all love, Chicken.”  
  
Cosima reached out and gave the older woman's hand a gentle squeeze. “I'm sorry you lost that.”  
  
Siobhan smiled and covered Cosima's hand with her free one. “I'm sorry you did too.”

* * *

“She didn't call today.”  
  
Sarah looked up from the book Kira was reading on her lap. Helena beat her to it, putting her bowl down and perching herself on the arm of the sofa beside Cosima. “Come on Monkey. Go upstairs and get changed. We're gonna have a sleepover with Auntie Cosima tonight.” Thankfully everyone kept a couple changes of clothes in the guestroom upstairs for cases such as this when they didn't want to leave Cosima.  
  
“I know it's been over a month now, but she's still been trying.” Cosima explained as Sarah sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms. “Right from Italy she started calling and texting and emailing, which gradually slowed down, but this past week she would still at least call when she got home from work. But today...she didn't call today.”  
  
“Maybe she is working late today Sestra?” Helena offered.  
  
Cosima shrugged. It was always possible. The doctor kept unpredictable hours sometimes, but she knew that wasn't it. The same way she felt the connection she had with Delphine, she felt this. “She's finally given up on me.” Her voice was void of any emotion as resignation set in. Delphine had given up on her, on them. It was what she wanted. Well, not what she _wanted_ , but what had to happen. Delphine needed to move on. The thought lodged itself deep in her chest, slowly rising up her throat forcing her to swallow the emotions back down.  
  
Helena sat there and ran her hands through Cosima's hair. The Ukrainian was at a complete loss of what to do here. She had come a long way since she met her sisters, but many social conventions still escaped her. “Sestra” she began gently. Helena didn't know what to do or say, but her sister was hurting. Anyone could see Cosima loved this woman, but it was her choice to end things. “It is for the best, yes?”  
  
“What you need is another trip. Now.” Sarah said, holding up her cell phone. “Alison is free for the next week.”  
  
Cosima chuckled sadly. Of course Sarah would have sat there beside her and got one of them to clear their schedule. “Sarah I can't afford another trip. Italy wiped me out and I want to visit my Mom at some point.”  
  
“It's on S this time.”  
  
“What? No. Are you insane I can't accept that.”  
  
Sarah scoffed. “Yeah, nobody says no to S.” Looking down at her cell typing away she continued as if Cosima hadn't protested. “Come on. Where to this time? Still want to visit Barcelona? S says it's nice this time of year.”  
  
“Yes, much nice.” Helena added. “Lots of beaches and girls in bikinis.”  
  
Cosima chuckled softly and looked at the silent phone resting on the coffee table. A distraction wasn't a bad idea. Her heart and soul would miss Delphine until her dying day, but she still had time. She was still alive. There was still so much she wanted to see and do. Slowly she nodded. “I'm in. I am so in.”

* * *

“Are you interested in doing anything other than lying on a beach this entire week?”  
  
Alison offered her sister a small smile as she set her sunglasses on over her eyes and laid back. “I'm on vacation, Cosima. As are you so I suggest you lie back and relax a little. Goodness knows you could use some relaxation.”  
  
“Yeah, well, my relaxation methods wouldn't pass customs.” Cosima chuckled, but settled herself back against the lounge chair as the laughter turned to soft coughs that she played off as clearing her throat when Alison raised her glasses to look at her.  
  
“Cosima!” Alison chastised half-heartedly. Since the diagnosis Cosima got away with a lot more than she used to. Whereas before Alison would have immediately launched herself into an after school like special on how drugs are bad, now she just smiled and looked the other way. As long as it wasn't done or talked about around the kids she was content to let her sister do what she wanted. Cosima switched to a vaporizer to be easier on her lungs so what could she really complain about? “Did you remember to put on sunscreen?”  
  
“Yes Mom.”  
  
“Good. Would hate for our vacation to be ruined because you got fried so early in our trip.”  
  
“Hey, I'm from California.” Cosima protested.  
  
“Yes, _northern_ California where the temperature rarely gets very warm.”  
  
“It's warmer than Canada.”  
  
“Everywhere is warmer than Canada.” Alison rationalized.  
  
“True.” Cosima smiled. “Still I've spent much more time in the sun than you have. I'm not that much of a ghost.”  
  
Alison chuckled, but let Cosima win that one.  
  
“Seriously though we are doing more than lying on a beach all week. You know when we were in Italy, Delphine...” Cosima stopped herself, instead turning her attention to look out across the ocean and at the people around them. This all sucked and she had never been in this position before. Why would she though? It's not like normal people end good things with people they loved on a regular basis.  
  
It still hurt. Granted it hadn't been that long yet, but everyday she had a few moments of peace when she woke in the morning only for a deep-seeded ache to lodge itself in her chest once she opened her eyes and didn't feel strong arms around her, didn't smell that intoxicating mix of lavender, vanilla and cigarettes, didn't catch sight of that mass of golden curls.  
  
With everything in her she hoped Delphine was doing better; that she hated her if that made it easier. Anything for Delphine not to be feeling what she was. Her phone hadn't flashed the doctor's name in days so that was something, right? Not even so much as a text. Unfortunately there was no way for her to know one way or another how Delphine was doing. It was always possible to ask if Sarah could check on her. Sneaking around was kind of her specialty so checking up on the blonde without her noticing would have been a piece of cake, but Cosima figured she was better off not knowing and just imagining Delphine was okay. After all, ignorance is bliss and she was here to forget about her. “I'll find us some tour or something,” she finished.  
  
“That sounds nice.”  
  
“And we're going out.” Alison pushed her sunglasses up and raised an eyebrow at her sister. “Don't _even_ give me that look. We're going out. Tonight. To a club. And you are going to make sure I forget about Delphine and have a good time. Okay?”  
  
At the mention of the blonde's name Alison's shoulders visibly lowered. With a sad smile she nodded. “Sounds fun.” Cosima tried not to laugh. Alison Hendrix didn't go out. Sure she would go to Clone Club with them sometimes, but only once a month when they forced her. And by forcing her, someone would text her husband and tell him to make sure Alison was ready at a certain time and they would show up and wrestle her out of the house. It wasn't that she disliked going out, but she didn't drink anymore and the rest of them tended to get pretty stupid when they were drinking together. Though Cosima had a feeling Alison didn't mind half as much as she said she did. She was a mother hen, she enjoyed taking care of people. Even if those people were her drunken siblings. Cosima needed to get smashed and let loose and make some bad decisions and knew Alison would make sure she didn't go too far off the deep end.

* * *

This was definitey the deep end.  
  
If she had any common sense left in her body Cosima would find her sister and leave the club immediately. Unfortunately that particular virtue hadn't been seen in at least three drinks. People kept coming up and dancing along with her, up against her. Men and women. Hands were all over her body; her waist, her hips, her ass, her breasts. There was kissing and tongues and knees and bulges pressed up against certain places and through all of it Cosima felt nothing. No touch set her soul on fire, no one's eyes saw right into her inner most self, no one's kiss made the rest of the world fade away. There was no tingle, no excitement, not even the slightest increase in her heart rate. There was just nothing.  
  
Honestly she knew this night wasn't going to help her with anything so she just lost herself in the music and let anyone who came over do what they wanted. She just wanted to feel … something. At this point it didn't mater what she just needed something that wasn't Delphine. Something that didn't make her think of something the blonde did or said. It had gotten to the point where when people asked her something she swore she could hear Delphine respond in her head before she could think of her own response. Even with the time that passed all she could see and hear was Delphine and it just needed to stop. Just for a little while.  
  
Everything hurt without Delphine and Cosima just wanted a few minutes of peace.  
  
And then a pretty brunette came up to her speaking French.  
  
“Thank-you, but no thank-you.”  
  
“Ali what the hell?” Cosima protested, watching as Alison took her drink and handed it back to the pretty brunette, guiding her away by the elbow. “That better be a mock-tail,” she said, eyeing the pink drink in her sister's hand.  
  
“What the hell?” Alison repeated, ignoring the statement. “Cosima you are about seven sheets to the wind right now.”  
  
“Alisssssssson I'm fine.” Cosima slurred.  
  
“Oh yeah?” Alison asked, stopping in the middle of the dance floor and letting Cosima's arm go. “Stand up on your own then.”  
  
Cosima stumbled, but with great concentration managed to get herself upright. For about half a second.  
  
“She's not Delphine just because she speaks French.” Alison said softly with a sad expression on her face. Her heart truly hurt for her sister. All she wanted, all any of them wanted, was for Cosima to be happy. This was the very opposite of happy. In fact, this was about as far from happy as Alison had ever seen her.  
  
This brunette could be Delphine if Cosima took off her glasses and kept her distance. They both smelled of cigarettes, both had curly hair. She could pretend for one night couldn't she? With a defiant look she made her way back to the bar and the pretty French brunette. “Sorry about t-that. My sisssssster, she's...” Cosima trailed off at the look of confusion on the other woman's face. “You don't s-speak English, do you? . .” Same confused expression. “Awesome...”  
  
Cosima shook her head and closed the distance between them, grabbing the other woman's face and smashing their lips together. Body language was the same in any dialect. It wasn't a good kiss or even a tolerable one really. This woman didn't know how to use her tongue, but that wasn't the point to any of this. Tonight Cosima was counting on that genetic predisposition to impulsive behavior she and her sisters seemed to share. Tonight Cosima just needed to forget.  
  
“Let's get out of here,” she whispered into the other woman's ear. “Um...allons-y?” Not the exact translation, but the closest her alcohol-infused brain could come up with at the moment. The reason she knew that particular phrase was pushed far from her mind as she grabbed the brunette's outstretched hand and followed her through the crowded dance floor past a slack-jawed Alison saying something about her regretting this when the alcohol wore off. Which, would probably be true.  
  
Before Cosima could thoroughly process what was going on they were in the other woman's hotel room, clothes strewn about the floor as a mass of mousy brown curls disappeared between her legs.

* * *

“ALI! . . ALI wake up! Let me in!” Cosima banged on the door harder. “ALISON!”  
  
“Yes, alright, okay.” Came quietly from the other side of the door along with the clicking of the lock just before the door opened. “Have a good night?”  
  
Cosima walked past her sister without a word and climbed right into bed not bothering to even take off her shoes.  
  
“Thank you Alison. I'm so sorry for waking you at four in the morning, Alison. I will absolutely be buying breakfast in the morning to make it up to you, Alison.” Alison conversed with herself as she closed and re-locked the door and got into bed beside Cosima.  
  
Cosima closed her eyes and feigned sleep as the night's events replayed in her mind. All she wanted was to forget for one night or even just a couple of hours, but unfortunately the memories refused to leave her. This other woman, who Cosima never even got a name for, had no idea what to do with her tongue which only reminded Cosima of how freaking talented Delphine's tongue was. It was all wrong. Their bodies didn't fit, there was no spark, just . . . nothing.  
  
She tried to get into it, but clearly the brunette had no idea what she was doing and after a good half hour still hadn't managed to get Cosima off or even that turned on. This woman wasn't the first inexperienced partner Cosima ever had, but they usually caught on faster. So Cosima just left. Didn't so much as touch the other woman. Just gathered her things and left.  
  
Of course the guilt was rising by the second. It shouldn't, but it felt like she cheated. There was no one to cheat on, but still the feeling made Cosima's skin crawl. She used this woman. Used her to to get over someone she was still emotionally attached to and in the end it didn't work and she felt even worse than when it all started. All she could do was hope that come morning she wouldn't remember any of it.  
  
“What am I gonna do Ali?”  
  
“Holy fudge cracker Cosima!” Alison exclaimed, a hand flying to her chest.  
  
Cosima turned toward her sister with a small smile of apology at scaring her.  
  
“I thought you passed out.” Alison took a few deep breaths to calm herself down, smoothing out the blanket across her lap and her hair as she did.  
  
Cosima reached out to still her sister's hand, entwining their fingers and bringing their hands to her chest. “I love her.”  
  
Alison sighed. “I know you do sweetie.” Mirroring Cosima, Alison turned on her side and ran her free hand through her sister's curls.“Have I ever told you about the time I almost divorced Donnie?”  
  
Cosima's sleepy eyes popped open. “No.”  
  
“It was a few years ago-”  
  
“Al I've known you for almost fifteen years why didn't you tell me?”  
  
“No one knew.” Alison said sadly. “It wasn't a good time in my life. May I continue?”  
  
Cosima chuckled. “Proceed.”  
  
“Thank-you.” Alison took a deep breath. “It was a few years ago. Donnie was being very...secretive. He would take phone calls from blocked numbers at all hours of the day and get up in the middle of the night. He had this hidden, locked box out in the garage. I thought he was having an affair.”  
  
When Alison didn't elaborate Cosima spoke. “Was he?”  
  
Alison shook her head. “No.”  
  
“What was he doing?”  
  
“It turned out he developed a little gambling problem, but that doesn't matter the point was that I didn't trust him.” Alison said simply with a wave of her hand. “And he didn't trust me if didn't feel he could come to me and ask for help. Trust is the single most important aspect in a relationship.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath and nodded.  
  
“It got so bad that we went away to this couples retreat. We didn't even make it a week before we were back packing up the house getting ready to separate. I slept with my best friend's husband-”  
  
“You what?!” Cosima had to admit she was a little impressed. Her goody two shoes, straight-laced sister had a bit of the rest of them in her after all.  
  
“I thought he was cheating so I reduced myself to what I thought was his level.” Alison looked down at her sister and took a deep breath as she continued running her fingers through Cosima's hair. “I'm not proud of what I did.”  
  
Cosima's head was swimming. She was too drunk to deal with this.  
  
“And then Aynsley died. She may have been a nosey spy of a woman, but she was my best friend. To make a long story short her death sort of put things into perspective for me. I love my husband. We had our share of issues that we didn't address when we should have and we kept secrets from one another and that led down a very dark road, but I realized he was my other half. For better or worse he is the love of my life, the one I want to share everything with. Donnie forgave my affair, we got him help for the gambling and we worked things out,” she smiled. “There's a lot more to it than that and I know it isn't the same as your situation . . . and even though we worked things out,” she choked up. “For a time I lost the love of my life too. I know what it feels like.”  
  
_Enough!_ Echoed through Cosima's head. _Enough of all of it!_  
  
“Cosima?” Alison asked, taken back, when Cosima popped straight up, but then she saw _that_ look in Cosima's eyes. “Cosima, keep in mind you are very drunk right now,” she warned.  
  
Cosima smiled mischevously. “Drunken thoughts are sober truths, right?”


	15. Sober Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new Orphan Black for the second week....I'm still sad. And lost. And many, many things :(

Delphine heard her cell phone ring from the nightstand and groaned. There was no one she wanted to talk to right now. Actually there was, but she knew it wouldn't be who she wanted it to be. A breath of relief escaped her lips when the ringing stopped. A second later it rang again and she pulled the covers up over her head. It wasn't even ten o'clock at night, but she was not moving from the little coccoon she made for herself. Cosima would never be calling her again and she couldn't care less what anyone else had to say right now. It rang two more times and still the doctor didn't answer. If there was an emergency at the lab Scott knew to call her house phone.  
  
As if on cue the landline in her living room started ringing.The only number she gave out was her cell phone number so for her landline to ring something had to be seriously wrong. She shot up so fast, her hand going to her cell to check who was trying to reach her so she could gauge what kind of emergency she would have to deal with. “Merde.”  
  
_4 missed calls from Cosima_  
  
She immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the living room. “Allô? Cosima?” She was met with a dial tone. “Merde.”  
  
Just as she was about to press the call back button her cell phone rang again, Cosima's picture popping up. “Cosima?”  
  
“Hey  _Delphine”_  
  
The shaky, broken tone in her former lover's voice immediately put Delphine on edge and she was already running back to her room to throw some clothes on, ready to go to wherever Cosima was. “Cosima what's wrong? Are you okay?” The line was silent as Delphine dressed quickly and grabbed her keys. “Cosima? Where are you?”  
  
“ _Barcelona.”_ Cosima answered through tears. Delphine would know that sound anywhere, the night in Italy and Cosima crying playing like a constant loop in her mind. _“Yanno I thought about going to Moscow and finding me the losssst Romanov princess but then I realized she would be, liiiiiike, a hundred years old, so . . . Barcelona won.”_  
  
Delphine deflated and dropped her keys back down on the counter. There was no way she could go to Cosima when she was all the way in Spain. Barcelona and France were in the same time zone so a quick mental calculation told her it was either very very early for Cosima, which was unlikely, or very very late. “Are you okay?”  
  
“ _I have a bone to pick with you.”_  
  
“A bone?”  
  
“ _Figure of speech. Meanssss. . . I'm mad at you.”_  
  
“At me? What did I do?” She asked incredulously. The past month had been some of the most miserable days of her life, but they had in no way been her fault. All she wanted in Italy was to take their relationship to the next level so all of this, every last big, was entirely on Cosima.   
  
“ _Because here I was at this club with this hot Frenchwoman. She bought me a drink and we danced and-”_  
  
Delphine's heart fell out of her chest as tears filled her eyes. “Cosima I don't want to hear-”  
  
“ _But goddammit she wasn't you Delphine!”_ Cosima continued. “ _She didn't know whaaaaaat the hell to do with her tongue aaaaaaand her body didn't fit, you know? It d-didn't feel right. At one point ssshe came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist the way that you always did”_  
  
Delphine smiled sadly. She did do that. A lot. There was nothing quite like the feel of Cosima in her arms that way. Part of her wanted to hang up the phone. The last thing she wanted right now was to hear about Cosima and another woman, to hear that Cosima hadn't been suffering just as much as she had, but Cosima initiated contact after ignoring all forms of communication for weeks. There had to be a point. “Cosima, I don't...Are you drunk?”  
  
“ _And it fucking hits me.”_ Cosima continued, completely ignoring Delphine's question, but if her slurred speech didn't give her away the hiccup at the end there did. _“It didn't feel right because she wasn't you!”_  
  
Delphine wasn't sure what to say to that. On one hand she was thrilled. Obviously she didn't want Cosima to be with anyone else, but on the other she was hurt and angry and wanted to shove in Cosima's face that this was all her own fault in the first place. She offered Cosima her heart and soul and if she believed in karma this would definitely be a prime display of her in action. “What does that mean?”  
  
Delphine could hear a banging followed by a _“Cosima open this door!”_ and a _“Shhh Alison I know what I'm doing.”_ followed by a _“The hell you do!”_ Cosima must have put the phone back to her ear as her voice was louder again. _“It means that I just got back to the hotel and Alison told me this story about how she lost the love of her life and then I locked myself in the bathroom and called you and we need to talk.”_  
  
Delphine took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. Knowing full well the answer to this question, she had to ask anyway. “Did you sleep with her?”  
  
Cosima sighed loudly through the phone. _“Delphine-”_  
  
“Did you sleep with her?” She repeated.  
  
Cosima sighed again. _“Kind of.”_  
  
Delphine closed her eyes as a few tears finally broke free. “Kind of?”  
  
“ _I mean she … to me, but I didn't . . . and I didn't do anything to her. I kind of just up and bolted.”_  
  
“I'm glad I'm so easily replaceable.” Delphine's chest physically ached at the weight of the other woman's words. Cosima had been everything to her. Even though they were never officially together Cosima had always been, from the moment they met, her light at the end of the tunnel. A splash of color against the grey that was her life. Cosima was love and light and life and even Delphine hadn't truly realized the depth of her feelings until she watched Cosima walk away.  
  
“ _You're not Delphine that's the thing-”_ Cosima protested, but Delphine was done.  
  
“You know I...” Delphine hesitated, but she had already laid all her cards out on the table and been rejected, so what worse could happen? “I loved you. So...deeply. And with everything I have and to hear that I meant nothing to you-”  
  
“ _Delphine, please. You were never nothing. You mean so much to me.”_  
  
There was an urgency in Cosima's voice, a pleading, but Delphine wouldn't get sucked in again. “Clearly,” she scoffed.  
  
“ _Please believe I am absolutely disgusted with myself for doing what I did. For uuuusing someone like that and for making you think you mean nothing. I just wanted to forget-”_  
  
“Cosima I do not want to hear...any of this.”  
  
“ _She wasn't you, Delphine. Don't you get it? No one ever will be.”_  
  
“You should have thought about that.” Delphine shook her head. “I'm hanging up now.”  
  
“ _No Delphine, please, wait...please just let me explain. Everything. Why I walked away, how I really feel, just … everything. I owe you that.”_  
  
“Go ahead.” Delphine said against her better judgement. Cosima was right, she did owe her that much and Delphine would let her explain, but it wouldn't change anything. After that she was done. She loved her, but she loved herself too and would never allow someone to toy with her emotions like this.  
  
“ _Not over the phone. We get back Saturday morning.”_  
  
“There is a lecture series I am speaking at this weekend at the University of Minnesota. I'll be gone Friday afternoon to Sunday evening.”  
  
“ _Oh, okay.”_ Delphine could hear Cosima deflate through the phone. All she wanted was to comfort her, but she could barely hold the tears back at this point. Her hands were shaking with how hurt and angry she was. There were a few moments of silence where Delphine nearly thought Cosima had hung up, but the phone call was still connected. _“You stopped calling.”_ Cosima finally said, quietly.  
  
Delphine slowly lowered herself down onto the couch. “You never answered,” she responded, softer than she would have liked, but even through the anger and the hurt she still loved her.  
  
“ _Are you okay?”_  
  
“No.” Delphine smiled sadly, back handing a few stubborn tears from her cheek. Her eyes darted across the room, trying to push her emotions aside, but they were drawn to a picture of her and Cosima resting on the bookshelf beside the TV. It was from the first time she took Cosima ice skating. Things had been simpler then. Or seemed it, anyway. With a sigh she cleared her throat. “I miss you.”  
  
“ _I miss you yoo.”_ She could hear Cosima's smile through the phone. _“So much. I...” s_ he sighed.  
  
“Cosima, just tell me,” she begged. “Whatever it is I'm here for you. I always have been.”  
  
“ _Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.”_  
  
“I don't understand.”  
  
“ _I'll explain everything, I promise. Can you come by when you're back? Or can I come to you? Just...hear me out. You deserve to know the truth. I can't - I can't stand you not knowing how I feel about you. I know that actions speak louder than words and I've shown you the exact opposite, but that girl meant nothing. I don't want her, Delphine.”_ Cosima's voice broke. _“I want you.”_  
  
Delphine didn't know how much more her heart could take. She was trying to move on from the first time Cosima walked away, she didn't have it in her for a second. Every part of her soul had been laid out in Italy and Cosima walked away. In the weeks immediately following she tried everything she could think of, possibly bordering on stalker behavior, to get Cosima to talk to her so she could understand, so she could get her back, anything. Anything would have been better than radio silence. Eventually resignation set in and Delphine accepted that whatever they had was over. It still hurt and she still wanted Cosima with every cell in her body, but she accepted it was over.  
  
She couldn't put her hope in Cosima just to be let down again.  
  
Even though all she wanted to do was see Cosima or hear her voice just a few moments longer, she couldn't agree to what Cosima was asking right now. With a deep breath she hung up the phone and finally let the tears fall.

* * *

Cosima lowered the phone and stared down at the device in her hand. There had been no plan in place when she grabbed her cell and ran into the bathroom, barely getting the door locked before Alison was banging on the door begging her to wait until she was “ _clear headed”_ if she “ _absolutely”_ had to do something “ _drastic.”_ Something in Delphine's voice crumbled the last bit of resolve she had been clinging to. She could blame it on the alcohol, but that wasn't all it was.  
  
It was her. And it was Delphine.  
It was the universe and this undeniable connection they had.  
It was everything and nothing and Cosima was so so tired of fighting it. Of going against what every cell in her body was crying out for. She didn't have the energy to spare.  
  
Before the call Cosima thought that maybe Delphine would be different than Shay. Maybe she wouldn't run. It wasn't fair for her to put what Shay did on Delphine. She had to give the blonde her own chance. Unfortunately though with giving her a chance to know what was really going on Cosima couldn't help but get her hopes up that she would get some semblance of a happy ending.  
  
Still she didn't like it, but she knew Delphine deserved to know the truth. The time for pulling back and staying away had long past. They were both in love. They were both miserable without the other. Why keep fighting it? Delphine was hurting. Was it really better for her to hurt now and think Cosima didn't want her? Or spend the next year or so loving each other enough for three lifetimes and for Delphine to hurt when she died, but to have happy memories to look back on and comfort her? To know that Cosima wanted her as much as she wanted Cosima...Wasn't that better than this?  
  
Siobhan was right. Helena was right. Sarah, Beth, Alison, Felix, they were all right.  
  
There were two of them in this not-relationship relationship and it wasn't fair for her to make this kind of decision herself. Delphine deserved a say.  
  
This couldn't be fought anymore. It was too much. Pretending she was okay, trying not to think about Delphine, not immediately reaching for her phone whenever something happened to tell her. Trying to see her way through the darkness and shadows her hurt and loneliness caused. And for what? So they could both hurt anyway?  
  
But Delphine sounded so devastated on the phone that it broke Cosima's heart all over again. She should have listened to Alison at the club. Should have walked away from the Frenchwoman and left the club with her sister, but she just had to prove this didn't she? Had to prove that she could forget Delphine. That she could move on. That she could get back to her  _no attachments_  rule and it backfired spectacularly. More lies in the tangled web that was her life.  
  
Before this call she was leaning toward Delphine forgiving her and them riding off into the proverbial sunset, but now . . . now it as anyone's guess. Not that she could blame the blonde for any of it. It was her own fault. She fucked up not once, but twice now. Delphine told her she loved her and twice Cosima failed to show her how she felt. Tables turned she wouldn't give her another shot either.  
  
“Cosima!”  
  
Suddenly Cosima was feeling all too sober, the realization of what she'd done hitting her square in the chest. For a moment she couldn't breathe. All she could do was stare straight ahead as she begged the past five minutes to be a figment of her vodka-infused brain. “I told her I wanted her and she hung up on me.”  
  
“What? Cosima open the door I can't hear a word you're saying.”  
  
Cosima leaned over and flipped the lock, barely lowering her hand an inch when the door swung open nearly hitting her square in the face with the doorknob. “Alison! Jesus!”  
  
“Sorry. Maybe don't sit behind doors.”  
  
“I think I really lost her.” Cosima said quietly.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“I slept with that French chick.” Cosima admitted, refusing to meet her sister's eye. The pattern on the tiles was suddenly fascinating. “Kinda. Now Delphine thinks she's replaceable.”  
  
“Oh Cosima.” Alison softened, sliding down the wall beside her sister “Did you have to tell her?”  
  
“Yeah, because lying to her all along wasn't enough I really should have kept that going,” she replied sarcastically, then immediately regretted it. This night certainly did have a running theme of overwhelming regret. “I'm sorry. It's not your fault I'm such a fuck up.”  
  
“Cosima you are not a … fuck up.” Alison said, the _fuck_ barely above a whisper.  
  
“All this time I've been afraid of her finding out I'm sick thinking the disease would chase her away when really it was just me.”  
  
“Cosima...Delphine loves you. That doesn't go away so quickly. She will understand-”  
  
“Oh yeah I'm sure me having sex with someone else really shows her how much I love her. Yeah...”  
  
“Well, if you only _kind of_ had sex with her … Give Delphine a chance. She's an intelligent woman-”  
  
“Yeah so am I and I still made a mess of everything. But, at least I did so beautifully. Go big or go home, right? Actually, never mind that. Home sounds great.”  
  
“Let's get you to bed. With any luck you won't remember any of this in the morning.”  
  
Cosima didn't bother telling Alison she was so sober right now that she could recite the periodic table. The events of the night had been done in a drunken haze, yes, but she would remember every second, every word, every breath of that phone call. “You know what? This is all your fault!”  
  
“My fault?” Alison asked in shock as she hoisted Cosima up off the bathroom floor.  
  
“Yes, yours.” Cosima continued, swaying slightly. So maybe she wasn't as sober as she felt down on the cold floor, but her mind was clear. “And Sarah's and Beth's and Felix's and Siobhan's and Helena's and even Kira's. You all spent months telling me to give this relationship a chance and when I finally do, this happens.”  
  
“No one told you to sleep with someone else Cosima.”  
  
Cosima groaned as she dropped down onto the bed, Alison kneeling down to take off her shoes. “If I hadn't listened to any of you this never would have happened.”  
  
“If you hadn't listened to us you wouldn't have slept with that woman?”  
  
“No, if I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't feel like this.”  
  
“Cosima” Alison cooed as she gently laid Cosima down on the bed and pulled the covers up. “I love you, but this is your own fault. I am very sorry you are hurting right now, but don't rule anything out until we get home and you talk to Delphine.”  
  
“She doesn't want to talk to me.”  
  
“When has that ever stopped you?” Alison joked, earning the tiniest of smiles from Cosima. “Just wait until you talk to her. Then see what happens. If she says it's over, then it's over, but at least she will know the truth and can make a decision.”  
  
“Like see if she forgives me and takes me back because I'm dying? I'm not sure that's a win either Ali.” Cosima's heart was shattered. It had been shattered since she walked away from Delphine in Italy, but hearing the heartbreak in her voice, her hanging up when Cosima finally admitted she wanted her, that was a new level of heartbreak. Somewhere deep down on a subconscious level there was still the hope that maybe they could be together. Delphine wanted to be with her so if the day came, which it did, where Cosima's family finally wore her down and she was too exhausted to keep fighting her feelings, she could always go back to Delphine, but now...now that safety net was gone. Now Delphine didn't want to be with her so for the first time it really felt like they were truly over.  
  
“I'm not saying the reason she would take you back is because you're sick, but that will explain why you did everything. You thought it was what was best for her. It wasn't and isn't, but you did it out of love. You made this ridiculous rule up so no one would get hurt and then you ended things before they could get too serious to spare her the heartache of watching you die. It's actually quite romantic in a tragic literary sort of way. She may not agree with everything-”  
  
“You've all made it perfectly clear _you_ certainly don't.”  
  
“ _But_ we can all see your heart was in the right place.” Reaching down to brush a stray curl from her sisters face, Alison smiled. “She will too.”  
  
“You think?” Cosima asked, her voice full of hope.  
  
“I do.” Alison nodded sadly. “But, the woman at the club...I'm not sure about that.”  
  
Cosima nodded and offered her sister a sad, tight-lipped smile. There was nothing she could do about anything now. All she could do was wait and hope Delphine gave her a chance she knew she didn't deserve.


	16. Home Sweet Home

****3 MONTHS AGO  
  
“What the hell am I doing here?” Cosima asked as she climbed the three steps to the front door.  
  
Beth turned around, a wide smile on her face and brochure in her hand. “Hey! Nice tan. How was Mexico?”  
  
Cosima groaned. “Way too many tequila shots. Sarah and Helena drank me under the table every time.”  
  
“And you're surprised?” Beth laughed. “You know better than to compete with the moonshine twins.”  
  
“I don't know how they've never had alcohol poisoning.” Cosima chuckled.  
  
Beth smiled. “But you had a good time right?”  
  
“Yes.” Cosima nodded. This trip, or rather trip _s,_ had kept her away from Toronto for the last month. Ukraine with Helena for a week, immediately followed by a week in Ireland with Mrs. S, and then two weeks in Mexico with Sarah and Helena. It was a long month. A lot of fun, alcohol, history, culture and once in a lifetime experiences, but it had taken a lot out of her. Her body was starting to tell her that she needed to slow down.  
  
Which led to her current issue – she had no place in which to slow down at. They got in two nights ago and she was supposed to stay with Felix, but it was the weekend and he was hosting parties at his loft each night. Alison had two active children and a husband, Siobhan had Sarah, a wild child in her own right, and a little girl who loved her Auntie Cosima very much, but could be a little overwhelming at times, Beth had a boyfriend Cosima didn't trust for all the tequila in Mexico and a job that had her coming and going at all hours of the night, and Helena didn't have her own place so there was no where Cosima could go to actually rest.  
  
The thought briefly crossed her mind to go home to her mother. She still worked part time as an anthropology professor and lived alone so it would be quiet. There would be plenty of time and space to rest, but as much as Cosima loved her mother that just wasn't where she wanted to be. Despite the shitty Toronto weather, she wanted to be with her sisters. They hadn't come together until they were in their late teens, but the bond they all shared was like nothing Cosima had ever known.  
  
They understood one another on a deeper level. They were a constant support in the good times and the bad. They were her saving grace, her shoulders to cry on, her laughs until it hurt, her family and she couldn't imagine life without them.  
  
“I'm not buying a house, Beth.”  
  
Beth rolled her eyes, opening the door and ushering Cosima in. “First of all it's a townhouse. Just … hear me out, okay?”  
  
Cosima shook her head as she walked further into the house. It was a really nice place she would give Beth that. Tons of natural light pouring in from large windows, within walking distance of Sarah, Beth and maybe Helena. No one knew where she went when she left but she was always able to get to them within fifteen minutes, on foot. It was the last home in a row of five townhouses with an identical five across from a stone walking path and small grassy/garden area. There were another three at the end as well so the homes made a sort of blocky, upside down 'U' shape. There were wide archways connecting the last homes in the vertical rows, the one they were in and the one across, to the two homes on the ends of the horizontal row.  
  
“Okay, so” Beth began as she led Cosima further into the house. Across from the front door was a small entrance way with a closet. To the left was a large, open living room with a fireplace on the right set in light stone. “Slummin' it with us might have worked in the beginning, but there isn't any one of us whose place has any sort of quiet for very long. You need to be able to rest Cosima and I know you. You need your own space even when you aren't sick.”  
  
Cosima silently followed behind Beth as she led her through the house. Beside the fireplace was a small room with French doors, good sized. Cosima assumed the bedrooms were upstairs, but this could be another if need be. Or an office/study/playroom/whatever. Right outside the doors was a small half-wall maybe two feet long with an elliptical arch connecting to an identical wall on the other side of the room, giving the small dining space a little definition from the living room. Behind that was the kitchen. Grey cabinets, light wooden counter tops, stainless steel appliances. Hardwood floors throughout. A large bay window was on the other side of the living room, directly across the wide space from the kitchen. Beside it an 'L' shaped staircase led upstairs.  
  
Cosima turned to Beth with a raised brow. “Okay, and? I can find a short-term lease or something. Beth, buying a house right now is insane.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Oh, I dunno maybe because I'm dying? Last I checked, the dead don't need houses. Underground condos, but not houses.”  
  
Beth rolled her eyes as Cosima laughed at her own joke. “Okay, well do you really want to do that on Felix's couch with its many mystery stains and smells?”  
  
Cosima cringed. Of course that wasn't what she wanted, but realistically what choice did she have? When the time came she would end up in the hospital anyway so she wouldn't actually die on Felix's couch, but Beth had a point. Cosima had always been a person who needed her own space. Somewhere to retreat and be alone with herself to decompress. She loved being out and socializing and spending time with her family, but sometimes she just needed to get away and be alone with her thoughts and she didn't currently have any way to do that. Not to mention she felt bad for never inviting Delphine over. Anytime they wanted to be alone together it had to be at the blonde's apartment, but a short-term lease still seemed much more logical.  
  
“It's pretty cheap, too.” Beth said, holding the brochure out to Cosima.  
  
“Yeah? And why's that?” Cosima looked down at the pamphlet. Even she, who knew very little about property prices or the current housing market, knew the price was dirt cheap. The pamphlet said the house had been listed for a couple of months. She couldn't see this place being listed at that price for so long unless there was something wrong with it.  
  
“Someone might have been killed here.” Beth mumbled.  
  
“ _Might_ have?” Cosima's eyebrows shot up to her hairline.  
  
“Not a big deal.” Beth said calmly. “No one's going to come back and try it with the next owner, too. Some sort of murder/suicide. This guy's brother ripped him off and lost everything so he killed his brother and then killed himself. You wouldn't mind having a ghostly roommate, would ya geek monkey?”  
  
_No big deal._ Cosima shook her head. Beth was a homicide detective, so what didn't seem like a big deal to her was to a great majority of people. “It's _geek_ monkey, not _paranormal_ monkey. This was a case of yours, wasn't it?”  
  
“Come see upstairs.”  
  
Cosima groaned, but put up no resistance when Beth took her hand and led her up the stairs. There were three doors. To the right was the master bedroom. Large open floor space, big windows, generous ensuite, walk-in closet, glass doors that led out to a small, but romantic, little balcony. A smaller bedroom with a big bay window and window seat was across the hall and the main bathroom stood between the two rooms.   
  
“I know you love it.” Beth whispered.  
  
Cosima smiled, but shook her head. “It's great. It's gorgeous and it's close to everyone-”  
  
“Quiet neighborhood.” Beth added. “Working professionals, no young kids, no young partiers. Parking out back for guests and there's a bus stop in front of the little store on the corner that just so happens to sell those ice cream things you love so much – and yes, I checked.  Very low crime rate.”  
  
“Aside from the murder committed probably where I'm standing, right?”  
  
“It's a corner unit. Your only neighbor right next door is the sweetest little old man with a very attractive granddaughter.” Beth continued, completely ignoring her sister's comment.  
  
Cosima laughed, not surprised that Beth would use that as a selling point. They'd been younger then, of course, and Beth had still been living out a bit of teenage/early adult rebellion. The couple of times Beth visited her in California, her sister had proven herself a very worthy wing woman. When Cosima would come to Toronto to visit it was a very different story. Beth was much more contained. Her main focus was to become a cop and maybe she thought there were eyes all around Toronto and she had to keep up a certain image, but the Beth that visited San Fran was a very different woman. Thank goodness she was much more relaxed nowadays. Alison's constant state of "stick-up-the-assness" was enough.  
  
“Not that you'd be interested with that French doctor of yours around. It's peaceful here, Cosima. Very relaxing...”  
  
“Yeah, again, if you ignore the ghost who comes with the place.”  
  
“Can't ignore the price.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath and wandered back into the master bedroom and out onto the balcony. The house was gorgeous. There would be a guest room for her sisters and an office downstairs where she could finally have a dedicated space to work on her dissertation...With a sigh Cosima closed her eyes. There was no dissertation anymore. Brushing past her sister she made her way back downstairs.  
  
She could see herself here. Of course she would have to buy all new furniture and everything, but she could see it. A Persian rug in front of the fireplace, a nice leather couch, flat screen TV mounted above the fireplace, big, towering bookshelves filled to the brim in the office, having daily swims in her tub. Having her family over for dinner and sleepovers with her nieces and nephew. Lounging around with Delphine and glasses of wine as they had one of their 'anything and everything' chats late into the night. Making love all night wherever the hell they wanted, making as much noise as they pleased and having tea out on the balcony when they finally dragged themselves out of bed in the morning. It would be nice.  
  
She had the money. Growing up in northern California, the epicenter of obscene wealth and privilege, had its perks. Her grandparents on both sides had been wildly successful in life. Her father's parents died before she was born and her mother's father when she was young so her parents had inherited insane amounts of money. Her mother's mother died when she was in college, but Cosima refused to even look at the older woman's accounts. Cosima and her mother had gotten very close once she came back into her life, but it wasn't the same. Her grandmother raised her.  
  
The money afforded her parents the ability to be taken care of financially while pursuing their passions. It also meant they didn't take things for granted and appreciated the value of a hard day's work. A mentality that made them never quite able to fit in among their peers and neighbors. They didn't like to flaunt their money or talk about it or use it to get their way. They raised their daughter with the notion that money didn't grow on trees and had to be earned, despite the mindsets around them.  
  
Money or her upbringing wasn't something she talked about with her sisters. Even though her mom wasn't there for a good part of her childhood, the money Cosima had been adopted into afforded her the kinds of experiences and opportunities her sisters dreamed of. Not to mention her grandmother spoiled Cosima to make up for the fact that neither of her parents were around.  
  
Even Beth and Alison who grew up without ever wanting for anything with parents who were able to pay for everything, including their educations, hadn't come close to the level of wealth the Niehaus family had. They all knew Sarah and Helena weren't as lucky. Things got better for Sarah when she was taken in by Mrs. S, but Siobhan was a working woman with two children so things were tight. And Helena … Cosima preferred not to think about it. It was pure dumb luck that she ended up adopted by her parents and not any of the others. They were all identical. There was nothing special about her. Any one of them could have had her life. She could do so much for her sisters if only they would let her, but Sarah ' _I get by on my own'_ Manning was too proud to ask or accept Cosima's, quite numerous, offers.  
  
Even with money everything Cosima had she worked for. She never liked the money, never flaunted it, and barely used it except when she was younger and didn't have a choice. It only meant that now, while she was sick, she didn't have to work to be provided for and for once Cosima was content to enjoy the wealth she had always fought against.  
  
Her father also left some sizable investments when he died that her mother cashed out and put into savings for Cosima before she slowly disappeared. Her hard work in school earned her full scholarships and generous grants for all of her schooling so she hadn't had to take money for that, but there had been some withdrawals over the years. She got a car when she wrapped her first around a telephone post and didn't want her mother to know, a trip to Vegas with some friends when she turned twenty-one, an apartment when she graduated from college, numerous flights back and forth from Toronto. If she bought the house and had to completely furnish it she would only be able to afford another two trips, if that. Her flight to Italy was already booked and paid for for the end of June and she wanted to visit her mother at some point so maybe one more trip after that? Depending on what she did in Italy and how much she spent furnishing the house.  
  
There was always more money if she really wanted to continue to travel. Her mother would be more than happy to give her access to any of the other accounts she never used. Per her own request when her mother sat down with the lawyers when Cosima was eighteen to write her will, all but a small trust would go to various charities and causes near and dear to their hearts. Although maybe _small_ trust wasn't really accurate. There was a generous sum of money along with the house and cars. Her mother tried to get her to take the vacation houses and the horse too, but Cosima won that battle.  
  
_“I'm not taking her!”_  
  
_“Don't be ridiculous Cosima. She's your horse. Do you remember getting her for your tenth birthday?”_  
  
_Cosima smiled. How could she not. She woke-up that morning, came downstairs for breakfast and there was a horse standing at the back door. It was her first birthday without her father.  “Am I supposed to take her to college with me? I guess I can ride her to the lab when I'm working on my research...” she joked. “I'm going to be so busy Mom.”_  
  
_"Yes, I know.” Carolyn said with a proud smile. Her daughter was focused and driven and brilliant and it brought the older woman immense joy. “You're going to become a big, hot shot scientist. Curing rare diseases-”_  
  
_“Well I'm not sure about that, but I do know that I'm not taking Domino. She'll be dead long before you anyway so there's no need to put her in the will.”_  
  
_Cosima's mother shook her head with a chuckle. “You're so stubborn. Just like your father. He would be so proud of you, you know?”_  
  
_Cosima smiled. Her father was her idol. There was no higher praise. “I'm not taking the vacation houses or Domino. I don't even want this house or money, but I know better than to argue those points.”_  
  
_"You're too nice to win an argument against me sweetheart. I've had decades of practice. I know you want to do things on your own and make something of yourself by yourself, which is great Cosima, but I need to know my only child will be taken care of when I'm gone.”_  
  
Cosima always felt that anything she achieved, her schooling and her career, would mean more if she got there on her own. By her own mind, her dedication, her hard work. And she was right. It might not be everything she wanted for herself, but what she did have she worked hard for and that gave her so much pride. “Why are you pushing this so hard?”  
  
Beth stepped down off the last step and sighed. “I just . . . I want to know you'll be okay.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean I want to know that you and Sarah and Alison and Helena will all be okay.”  
  
Cosima furrowed her brow. “Beth what's going on?”  
  
“Nothing.” Beth shook her head. “Call it older sister syndrome,” she smirked. “I just want to know all of you are okay.”  
  
Cosima looked at her sister. She could tell she was hiding something, but if Beth didn't want to talk about something she wouldn't and there was no way around that. “You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?”  
  
“You've got enough on your plate.”  
  
Cosima reached out and grabbed her sister's arm as she tried to walk past. “I'm serious Beth. Just because I'm dying doesn't mean I stop being your sister or worrying about you.”  
  
Beth waved her off. “I'd tell you.”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
Beth nodded. “Promise.”  
  
Cosima let Beth go, but didn't miss the fact that she didn't look her in the eye. “I guess I could always leave it to Sarah. So she can have a place for her and Kira. And Helena.” Cosima chuckled. “She could take the room down here.”  
  
Beth laughed. “I think Helena likes wherever she runs off to.”  
  
“Where does she go?”  
  
“No idea. I've tried following her a couple of times, but she always manages to shake me off.”  
  
“Well, for Sarah and Kira then.” Buying a house seemed insane to Cosima, but buying a house and furnishing it and fixing it up so that she could leave it to her sister and niece actually made a lot of sense. It's not that Sarah wouldn't be able to afford anything like this on her own. She owned a very successful night club, but her credit was shit. As was her criminal record so no one was willing to take a chance on her. She couldn't even rent an apartment, but Cosima could buy this place outright and leave it to her and by the time Sarah found out she would already be dead and her sister would have no choice but to take it. The idea made Cosima smile. Her sisters had done so much for her and this was one thing she could do to repay them. Alison and Beth already owned their homes and were set and secure in their lives. But Sarah...she could do this for her.  
  
Beth nodded. “Yeah, this would be great for Sarah and Kira, but that would make it kind of hard for you and your _hot, French doctor_ to have sex all the time. And from what I hear, it is all the time.”  
  
Cosima brushed by her sister so she wouldn't see the rose colored blush creeping up her cheeks. “Kinda hard to do that when I'm dead and all.”  
  
“You love her.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath and put a bit more distance between her and her sister. She thought she was doing so well at hiding it, but Beth was a cop. It was in her training to notice the subtle cues - body language, looks, little touches... “Oh please Beth I don't know what you're talking about.”  
  
“Okay, whatever you say.” Beth chuckled. “Buy the house Cosima. Hell, buy a cat and rent a U-Haul with your not-girlfriend, girlfriend. You're going to be just fine. You have that blonde hottie to fight for now.”

* * *

“Hey, you wanna go to my place tonight?” Cosima asked once they exited the restaurant, entwining her fingers with Delphine's as they walked back to the doctor's car.  
  
Delphine chuckled. “Would that be the one having an orgy the last time we tried to go there? Or the one with the kids? Or the one with the boyfriend who wouldn't stop staring at us?”  
  
“First of all, it wasn't an orgy. I'm not sure what it was, but it wasn't that. And, none of the above.” She smiled up at Delphine when they found the car and reached into the blonde's jacket pocket for her keys. “I have a surprise. Come on.”  
  
When they got to the townhouse Delphine walked around with wide-eyes. “You bought a house.”  
  
“I bought a house.” Cosima beamed. “I know I have to completely furnish it, but I have a bed and wine and an endless supply of eskimo pies.”  
  
“What more could a girl want?” Delphine asked breathlessly, closing the distance between them. Inside she was ecstatic. Since Cosima told her she was taking a sabbatical before finishing her PhD she had worried that that degree would take her somewhere far enough away that they wouldn't be able to see one another anymore. But now with a house, it wasn't likely Cosima would be moving away anytime soon.  
  
Cosima smiled in the blonde's arms. “I couldn't tell ya. Now that you're here I can't think of a single thing.”  
  
After a long, slow kiss Delphine cocked her head to the side. “What is an eskimo pie?”  
  
“Seriously? You've never had one?”  
  
Delphine shook her head. “I don't think so.”  
  
“Oh, dude, we _so_ have to rectify this.”  
  
Cosima slid out of Delphine's arms in the direction of the kitchen, but the doctor grabbed her arm before she could get very far. “We can rectify that later. I have something else that requires your immediate attention.” ****


	17. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexy time warning ;) Not as juicy though. Girls are on a time crunch  
> 

2 MONTHS AGO  
  
“Delphine, seriously” Cosima couldn't help but laugh. Since she introduced Delphine to eskimo pies a few weeks ago, the blonde was constantly depleting her stash. “They're going to be here in like twenty minutes. Put that down! They'll think it's weird if you don't eat the dinner you made!” Shaking her head as she put a steaming, covered dish down on the new effuse wood top dining table, Cosima grabbed the ice cream out of Delphine's hand before she could open yet another one. “How have you not gained, like, twenty pounds?”  
  
“Mmm because we always work it off after, chérie.” Delphine purred into Cosima's ear as she came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling Cosima flush against her body.  
  
Cosima moaned at the contact and let her head fall back onto Delphine's shoulder so the taller woman could attack a very sensitive spot on the side of her neck. It was all she could do to keep her legs from buckling. “Delphine...” Cosima tried to protest, but it came out as another moan. “They'll be here soon.”  
  
“Well then we had better be quick.” Needing no further encouragement from the squirming woman in her arms, Delphine turned Cosima's head to the side and brought their lips together. Cosima's arm snaked up to the back of blonde curls and held them as close together as possible as their tongues began a familiar dance. With their tongues linked together more in a joint collaboration rather than a fight for dominance, Delphine brought one hand up to dip into Cosima's bra, tweaking a nipple to attention.  
  
“God Delphine I am so wet right now.”  
  
Delphine smirked before moving her lips to pepper the side of Cosima's face and neck in light kisses while her hand undid the button on Cosima's grey corduroy pants and slipped inside.  “Wet may be an understatement.”  
  
“Oh God, shut up and fuck me!”  
  
Delphine had Cosima's legs shaking in a matter of seconds. No one could ever work Cosima's body like this. Delphine knew what she wanted and needed before she did. Somehow she knew when Cosima needed it to be slow and passionate with soft touches and deep kisses, or when she needed to come more than she needed to breathe and then it was right to business, or when she needed it playful and light with teasing and laughter. Every time they were together was a work of art.  
  
Knowing how close the woman in her arms was, Delphine bit down on the juncture between Cosima's neck and shoulder as she sunk two fingers deep into molten heat. Cosima's hips kept the rhythm of her thrusts as her breaths came quicker. Cosima turned her head so her nose nuzzled Delphine's neck, placing a few soft kisses to the pale skin with what little strength she had left.  
  
“Let go, chérie.”  
  
Cosima shook her head. “Don't . . . don't want it to end.” Her head fell back against Delphine's shoulder as one hand tangled in blonde curls and the other gripped tight to Delphine's hip. Honestly she didn't know how she was staying upright except that Delphine was a lot stronger than she looked. “You feel so good.”  
  
“Shhh...” Delphine cooed in her ear. “On aura le temps plus tard.”  
  
Cosima nodded and within seconds she was clinging to Delphine, crying out her release. It was a few moments before she was able to stand on her own without leaning on the doctor, but the other woman was content to hold her and gently coax her back down until she was ready. Just as Cosima was about to turn around and return the favor there was a knock on the door. “Shit!” She exclaimed, quickly extricating herself and running to the mirror beside the closet. “They're early.”  
  
Delphine chuckled, heading to the kitchen to wash her hands. “Are you sure you share genetics with these people? I do not think _'early'_ is in your vocabulary.”  
  
“Ha ha!” Cosima rolled her eyes as she buttoned her pants back up and fixed her shirt, that sort of thing, and looked through to the kitchen to see Delphine doing much the same. Tonight was sort of a big deal. It was the first time all of her sisters, Felix and Mrs. S would be coming to her place together. They had all been there since she bought it at one point or another to help her move things or organize or paint or direct the delivery people as they drank wine on the sofa, but no one had seen the house as it currently was – fully painted, furnished and decorated. Hell, she even had a couple of plants around, and not the medicinal kind. Thanks to a certain beautiful blonde doctor she knew, she had a prescription for that now!  
  
But none of them had seen her and Delphine in such a domestic setting before. Mrs. S still hadn't met her. The others had when they were at the club or a couple of times when they went on double dates with the Hendrix's, Alison and Delphine shared a deep love for the theater, and when they got caught getting a little too carried away on Felix's couch, but this was a completely different situation. Her sisters knew her style, knew her taste. They would look around the house and in a second know that Delphine was spending a great deal of time here based on all of the not Cosima-like décor. The extra laptop, stiletto heels, boots that would go way past Cosima's knees, French wine, cookbooks and spice racks, expensive French perfume, and suits upstairs might give it away too.    
  
It hadn't been a conscious thing. Not really. Delphine helped Cosima shop and she had impeccable taste. It was a lot of work to completely furnish a house from scratch so the pair found themselves spending a lot more time together recently. When Delphine wasn't at work she was here and as much as it scared the life out of Cosima, it felt natural. It felt right. But when it was just the two of them alone together Cosima could pretend that she was still abiding by her rule and that she wasn't falling hard and fast for the blonde. She could pretend she was totally in control, but her sisters were coming and they would see right through that in a hot second.  
  
The doorbell rang again, three times in quick succession. “Yeah, yeah, coming,” she looked across at Delphine expectantly and at her nod, opened the door. A bouquet of lilies was immediately shoved into her hands. “Hey Sis.”  
  
“Hey Beth.” Cosima greeted her sister, noticing the lack of anyone with her. “No bodyguard?”  
  
“Ha ha.” Beth chuckled dryly. “I told Paul to take a hike. Family night.”  
  
Cosima nodded with a tight-lipped smile and went to find a vase for the flowers. No one quite understood why Beth was still with Paul. It didn't seem like either of them loved the other yet neither would leave. “Beth, you remember Delphine.” Beth had been at the club a couple of times when Delphine and Cosima went together, but when they were drinking and dancing they didn't exactly pay attention to anyone else. They had dinner at Beth and Paul's place once, but the way Paul's eyes bounced back and forth between her and Delphine like he was mentally picturing this hotter version of his girlfriend, because everyone but Cosima agreed she was the hot one, “ _smart is hot”_ , and the blonde together made everyone uncomfortable. Except Paul, of course, so that had been the one and only time that was attempted.  
  
Unbeknownst to Cosima, Delphine and her sister had been meeting in the mornings when Delphine stayed the night, to go running. It was a very short distance to Beth's place and they discovered their shared enjoyment in the activity one morning as they, almost quite literally, ran into one another, so why not run together? They weren't hiding it, per se. It just hadn't come up and Delphine wasn't eager to share as she had a feeling Cosima would be a little wary of her and her sister spending time together. It seemed a lot like something a girlfriend would do so she kept it to herself for the moment. If Cosima ever asked she would tell her, but Cosima didn't even get out of bed until long after the runs were over so it wasn't anything she had to worry about anytime soon. Beth threw Delphine a subtle wink. “Hey Delphine.”  
  
“Bonsoir.”  
  
Beth looked around the living room before making her way toward the dining room, a knowing smirk on her lips. “Hey Cos?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Got any candles?”  
  
Cosima brought the flowers, now in a dark glass vase, over and set them down at the center of the dining table. “For what?” She asked, stopping beside her sister.  
  
“Well if you don't have candles you might want to open a window,” she said through a barely concealed smile. “Smells like sex in here. And . . . Are those teeth marks?” She asked innocently, pointing to a reddish purple spot on the side of Cosima's neck.  
  
Cosima turned and glared daggers at the Frenchwoman across the room who didn't even try to hide the shit-eating grin on her face. “Just you wait. I'll get you back.”  
  
The other two women watched her stomp her way up the stairs and burst out laughing. Delphine disappeared up the stairs after her, but came down a moment later with a candle she pulled out from under the sink in the main bathroom. French lavender. It was very similar to the smell of her body wash that Cosima loved so she knew having the candle burning all night would drive her tiny lover wild. A reminder throughout the night that she had been denied the chance to touch Delphine.  
  
“Don't think I don't know what you're doing.” Beth smirked.  
  
Delphine shrugged as innocently as she could while lighting the candle and setting it on the large cut out in the kitchen wall. “I'm not sure I know what you mean.”  
  
“Uh-huh.” Beth scoffed. “You're not fooling me.”  
  
Delphine smiled nervously and busied herself in the kitchen.  
  
“Anything I can do to help?”  
  
“Non. Everything is just about ready.”  
  
Beth nodded. “Everyone should be here soon. I'm honestly surprised the Hendrix's aren't here yet. Alison insists on being early to _everything_. The rest of them will be coming with Mrs. S. She's usually more or less on time.”  
  
Delphine felt a chill run up her spine. Not many things scared her, but meeting the matriarch of this family did. Things with her and Cosima had been going so well lately and she got along well with her sisters. Except Sarah, but Cosima assured her it was nothing personal. She had gotten pretty close with Alison and Beth and the small handful of times she had seen Cosima's nieces and nephew they seemed to like her, but Siobhan was another being entirely. She had heard stories, mostly from Sarah and Felix, of what Siobhan _'The Bomb'_ Sadler did back in the day and how, for all they knew, she still did as no one really knew what she did with her time. All they knew was no one ever messed with her and there was always a shotgun within reach. Siobhan was very well respected not just with the sisters and their families, but everywhere she went. Delphine wasn't exactly keen on finding out why.  
  
Cosima still wasn't ready for a relationship. Delphine knew this, but her hope was that if tonight went well and she could show Cosima that she fit in with her family, that maybe the seed would be planted. They had an arrangement, but neither of them were seeing anyone else and they spent every spare moment they could find together. Something was just holding her back from asking Cosima to take the next step. What they had was so great she didn't want to mess it up.  
  
“Hey” Delphine was startled out of her musings by a soft hand on her shoulder. “Just relax. Siobhan is …” Beth tried to search for the right thing to say to describe her, but when the words wouldn't come to her she just smiled instead. “She's a mom. She just wants to know you have good intentions.”  
  
“I do.” Delphine replied with as much sincerity and conviction as she could. “Beth, how I feel about Cosima-”  
  
“I know.” Beth smiled. “And so does Siobhan. I've told her, Alison's told her, I think even Sarah has told her.”  
  
“Sarah refuses to talk to me-” Sarah was never rude or mean to her, but there was something about the other woman's posture when she spoke to her and in her voice and mannerisms that told her the brunette didn't like her very much. Siobhan was Sarah's mother and that made Delphine fear that if Sarah found a reason not to like her, perhaps her mother would as well.  
  
“Sarah refuses to talk to everyone.” Beth said with a laugh. “Seriously. She's super over protective, especially of Cosima. Don't take it personally, but the fact that even she can see how you feel about Cos is a good sign. Just relax. We already like you.”  
  
“You wouldn't be trying to put the moves on my girl now, would you Beth? In my house? With me right upstairs? That's pretty ballsy, even for you.” Cosima teased playfully as she came up behind Delphine, removing her sister's hand from Delphine's shoulder and wrapping her arms around her waist. She didn't even care to correct herself of her slip. Delphine belonged to no one, least of all her as she herself made sure of. But her family was coming for dinner at her new home and she was happy and hopped up on feel good hormones from the orgasm Delphine had just given her. It was highly probable that she may have also had a few puffs of her new favorite medication when she was upstairs covering Delphine's love bite with concealer. So honestly she just wanted to be and be happy for once. The consequences would come in the morning, but for right now she just wanted to be happy and spend a pleasant evening with her favorite people.  
  
“No, no.” Beth chuckled, taking a few steps back and putting her hands up. “Don't worry, your girlfriend is safe with me. Not that I was trying, but it would be damn near impossible for anyone to tear her eyes off of you long enough to put any kind of moves on her.”  
  
“Yeah, well, can you blame her?” Cosima joked, earning her a gentle shove from her sister.  
  
“Oh come off it will you?”  
  
With a squeeze and kiss to Delphine's cheek, Cosima grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and followed Beth into the dining room, teasing each other the entire time. Once they were far enough away Delphine took a deep breath, thankful for the low lighting and the playful nature of the other women or else one of them would have noticed the blush that quickly spread from her chest, up her neck and all over her face. Surely even the tips of her ears were bright red. Cosima said _my girl,_ Beth called her Cosima's _girlfriend,_ and Cosima hadn't corrected either of them.  
  
This could be normal. This could be her life – her life with Cosima. Lazy Saturdays spent lounging around the house, her on her laptop doing some work while Cosima was snuggled up beside her reading a book, doing the weekly grocery shopping together, staying up late into the early morning hours worshiping each other's bodies until no inch of skin had been left untouched, waking up the next morning curled around one another before hunger drove them out of bed and to their favorite little cafe a few streets over for coffee, tea and croissants, and then taking the long way back through the park. Back home to cuddle on the couch and catch-up on any shows they missed during the week followed by a long, hot shower together after which Delphine would sequester herself to the kitchen to start cooking while Cosima straightened the house before everyone came over for family dinner.  
  
Delphine never had this kind of family dynamic. Her parents were much more formal and she had no siblings, but this...this could be her life.  
  
Delphine wanted this. Wanted this to be her life. She and Cosima just fit. It wasn't any one thing, but everything. Their bodies, their minds, their passions, their interests, their lives. Certain things she lacked Cosima excelled in and vice versa. They completed each other in ways Delphine had only ever read about in novels or saw in movies and had learned long ago to stop looking for. A smile came to her face as she saw Cosima and Beth laughing so hard they nearly spilled their wine which only caused more laughing. But it wasn't just in books and movies. It was real and it was with Cosima and she would do whatever she had to do to show Cosima that this could work.  
  
Despite all the time she spent with Cosima and her runs with Beth, the occasional show with Alison, she hadn't managed to find out why Cosima didn't want a relationship. Maybe she didn't like them or wasn't good at them or had a nasty break-up that made it hard for her to trust, but whatever the reason Delphine would find out and change her mind. Delphine was a scientist and a doctor. She didn't believe in notions that people were _meant to be_ or that there was one person out there for everyone. She believed different people could be right for a person in different ways, but that didn't mean any one of them was any more right for that person. Depending on where the person was in his or her life and their current circumstances, those people fit differently. However, her heart told her that she and Cosima were meant to be together. She couldn't describe it, but she knew. The same way she knew she wanted to study science and medicine. It wasn't a conscious choice. It was just something that was.  
  
“Babe!” Cosima called, poking her head into the kitchen. “Come on, S is here.”  
  
Delphine took a deep breath, but plastered a smile on her face and nodded, following Cosima out of the kitchen.  
  
“Oh, well now I get it. Dr. Cormier, I presume.”  
  
Delphine smiled and quickly held her hand out to the older woman. She didn't look as scary as Delphine imagined she would be, but she knew too well looks could be deceiving. “Delphine, please. Enchantée.”  
  
“Siobhan. Nice to finally meet you. I've heard many things.”  
  
“All good I hope?” Delphine asked as she subtly reached behind herself for Cosima's hand, the brunette quickly entwining their fingers and giving her hand a comforting squeeze.  
  
Siobhan looked down at their hands for a split second before meeting Delphine's eyes again and the blonde felt her cheeks warm. Nothing got by her. “Of course. It seems everyone is quite fond of you.”  
  
Delphine smiled, but resisted asking if that included Sarah as well.  
  
“I like what you've done with the place.”  
  
“Oh, well I only helped Cosima a little-”  
  
“Mhmm.” Siobhan murmured with a knowing smirk on her face. “I'm sure.”  
  
“Are you saying I couldn't have done this myself?” Cosima asked in mock hurt.  
  
Siobhan nodded. “Yes,” she said in complete seriousness causing Beth, Felix, Sarah and Helena to laugh behind her.  
  
“Jerks, all of you.” Cosima pouted, rolling herself into Delphine's arms and instinctively nuzzling into her neck.  
  
Delphine immediately relaxed with Cosima in her arms and wrapped the smaller woman tightly while holding back her own chuckle. Beth winked before turning to greet Alison and her family who had just arrived. “Pauvre petit chiot.”  
  
Cosima chuckled happily. “You're the puppy.”  
  
“You're both bloody puppies. Now can we please eat?”  
  
Sarah was definitely not changing Delphine's mind on how she interpreted the brunette's feelings towards her. To her credit Sarah did mellow out once she'd eaten and had a drink, a large glass of her favorite bourbon Delphine bought specifically for the brunette. Which led Delphine to think that maybe she was just constantly hungry and anytime she saw the other woman she should have snacks with her. Or alcohol.  
  
Dinner went better than either woman could have hoped. It was hectic and loud and there were kids running around and knocking things over, but there was good food, great wine and lovely company. Everyone was sure to include Delphine in their conversations, wanting to get to know this woman who had so easily captured their sister's heart despite Cosima's numerous protests to the contrary. It was in her eyes and her body language and she was far from fooling anyone. No one said anything, but they could all see it.  
  
Delphine was exceptionally happy that Cosima didn't keep her distance just because her family was there. Sometimes when they were around she had a habit of keeping some space between them unless they were at the club, but to Delphine's great pleasure she was just as flirty and affectionate as she was when they were alone. Of course they weren't making out at the dinner table, but there were smiles and light touches and hand holding and kisses on the cheek and long, lingering looks.  
  
Just about everyone referred to Delphine as Cosima's girlfriend at one point or another over the course of the night. Delphine was nearly high on the fact that not once did Cosima correct any of them. She knew Cosima told them she wasn't her girlfriend. She had heard as much numerous times herself, but tonight she hadn't said anything. It definitely gave Delphine hope that maybe Cosima wasn't as opposed to the idea as she had once been or maybe it was the nearly three bottles of wine they all polished off, but either way it was a conversation for another day. The last thing Delphine wanted to do was ruin what they had. Label or not she hadn't been this happy in a long while and she wasn't willing to risk it.  
  
With Delphine deep in conversation with Helena about some European thing Cosima couldn't be bothered to follow, the brunette took a moment to just be. Nothing could make her life any better right now. Well, you know, except the whole dying deal, but tonight was perfect. Her family was there having a meal at her home and she had this amazing woman by her side. Cosima smiled. There was no denying she was in love. Every time someone referred to Delphine as her girlfriend, her heart nearly burst out of her chest. It felt good, pretending everything was fine and she and Delphine could actually have some kind of relationship. How long in her life had she been searching for this, searching for her? Even with Shay, who Cosima thought was the great love of her life, things were never like this. Things were just easy and good with the Frenchwoman.   
  
Delphine could keep up with her – intellectually, sexually… She had certainly never had this kind of mental connection with another person before. Any other time she would have made Delphine hers months ago, but she couldn't and that killed her. Any other time this could have been her normal, her reality. As painful as it was, she couldn't drag Delphine down with her. Cosima was fully aware she was walking a dangerous line. You would have to be blind not to see how she and Delphine felt about each other, but there was just something about the blonde doctor that Cosima was powerless to fight against. Not that she honestly wanted to, but she felt she had to. She had to try for Delphine's sake.  
  
“Are you okay chérie?”  
  
Cosima smiled and leaned in for a soft, but lingering kiss. Tonight was amazing. Her family was there, Delphine was there, everyone was talking and laughing and enjoying the evening. What more could she realistically want? “Perfect.” She promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> “On aura le temps plus tard.” (We will have time later)


	18. Pillow Talk

****5 MONTHS AGO  
  
Cosima dropped her suitcase on the floor with a loud _thud._ Everything hurt. A month in the Amazon had been an amazing once-in-a-lifetime trip, but it took a lot out of her. There were bug bites over a good majority of her skin, dirt in crevices she didn't know she had, and a colorful assortment of blisters, scrapes and bruises. She anticipated the hot and humid Amazonian air to be tough on her lungs, but not this tough. She'd barely coughed since moving to Toronto, but found she was constantly coughing on their trip. Thankfully it was slowing down after they left the rainforest and were breathing normal air again, but Beth made them stop at the hospital on the way home for a nebulizer treatment and shot of steroids anyway. It helped.  
  
What she needed was a nice, long soak in a tub and to sleep for a week. That would probably get her feeling human again.  
  
“Paul won't be back till tomorrow night, so make yourself comfortable. We can order Chinese and watch some stupid, brainless TV until we pass out from exhaustion. I totally call the shower first though.”  
  
“Bitch.” Cosima playfully shot over her shoulder as Beth made her way to the bathroom.  
  
“Feel free to pay my mortgage then you can shower first.” Beth called through the door. “Shit!” Cosima heard her curse a minute or two later. “No rest for the wicked! I have to go to the station in a bit so you'll have the place to yourself tonight. Think you'll be alright? I can call Sarah-”  
  
“No, no I'll be fine. The steroids will make me crash soon so I'm sure I'll just sleep.” Cosima sat on the couch long after she heard the water running, too sore and tired to move a single muscle. After a while of enjoying the breathable air and the silence, she was just about to lay down when she turned her head the wrong way and a sharp pain shot down her neck and shoulder. “Jesus, fuck!”  
  
Beth, having just come out of the bathroom, raised an eyebrow at her sister.  
  
“You know anyone who's good with their hands? I would give just about anything for a massage right now.”  
  
“No.” Beth answered around a mouthful of toothpaste. “But you do.”  
  
Cosima bit down on her lower lip to hide her smile. “Can you pass me my phone?” Beth raised both eyebrows this time. “Please Beth this really hurts. Front pocket of my backpack.”  
  
Beth rinsed her mouth out in the bathroom then retrieved Cosima's phone and tossed it to her. “You're lucky I love you.”  
  
“Hey, I just took you to Brazil. _You're_ lucky I love you.”  
  
With a smile Beth pressed a quick kiss to Cosima's cheek and then flipped her off on the way to her bedroom.  
  
“Real mature!” Cosima called after her with a chuckle. After a slight moment's hesitation she unlocked her phone and dialed a familiar blonde's number. She would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about the doctor at any time over the course of the month. Cosima may have found herself in a few rather erotically charged moments in the past few weeks and as they hadn't encountered another human soul, her mind may have wandered to Delphine. Fortunately she and Beth were extremely busy hiking from sun up 'till sundown so the moments she even had the chance to think about sex were few and far between. Wake up, breakfast, pack-up camp, hike, lunch, hike, dinner, hike, make camp, maybe find somewhere to bathe if they were lucky, sleep, rinse and repeat.  
  
But now that they were home and she suddenly found herself with some time on her hands, she found herself in desperate need of release. A month was a long time. If she had any sense in her she would hit up Clone Club and find someone to entertain her for the night that wasn't the alluring blonde who was greatly testing her _no attachments, nobody gets hurt_ rule, even despite their arrangement. But honestly right now she was just too sore and felt a familiar longing and excitement course through her veins at the sound of Delphine's voice.  
  
_"Bonsoir Cosima! How was Brazil?”  
  
_ “Oh, you know, hot, humid, lot of bugs.”  
  
Delphine chuckled. _“Not the experience you were hoping for?”  
  
_ “No, it was great. We saw so many animals and birds and plants and explored places even the Discovery Channel hasn't seen.”  
  
_“Why do I feel a 'but' coming on?”  
  
_ It was Cosima's turn to laugh now. “But we were moving all day every day and slept in a tent in the middle of the rainforest. Everything hurts.”  
  
_“How soon can you get over here?”  
  
_ It turned out, not as soon as Cosima would have liked. Showering took forever as she was honestly too sore to do much. Even just washing her body took much longer than it should have and it had been a month since she shaved so that was quite the task as well.  
  
“Sorry.” Cosima smiled sheepishly at Delphine's door. “I honestly tried not to be la-”  
  
Before she could finish Delphine grabbed her by the face and pulled her into the apartment as their lips, tongues and teeth met in a familiar, and much missed, dance.  
  
“Miss me much?” Cosima smirked against the blonde's lips.  
  
Delphine drew her in for another kiss. “You could say that.”  
  
“Ow! Shit! Delphine I'm sorry, but everything legitimately hurts.” Cosima said with a sad chuckle.  
  
Delphine smiled softly, bringing an arm up to gently brush the back of her hand against Cosima's cheek. “Go get undressed and lay down,” she instructed with a nod down the hall.  
  
“Did I not adequately describe the amount of pain I'm in?”  
  
“Is sex the only thing you ever think about?”  
  
“With you?” Cosima smirked. “Kinda.”  
  
Delphine smiled and offered Cosima a quick wink before taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom. “Clothes off and lay down.”  
  
Cosima did as she was told while Delphine disappeared into the bathroom. “You know, if I weren't so sore this take charge attitude of yours would be a real turn on.”  
  
“Shhh chérie.” Delphine spoke softly, silencing the brunette with another kiss once she returned to the bedroom. “Just relax and let me take care of you.”  
  
Cosima nodded and let out a long breath, wiggling herself into a more comfortable position on the bed. It took a great amount of effort not to flip herself over when Delphine straddled her backside, pain be damned.  
  
Rubbing a handful of lotion between her hands to quickly warm it, Delphine's hands easily traveled up and down the planes of Cosima's back. Using just enough pressure to work the sore areas, but not enough to hurt, strong hands ran over newly-defined muscles.  
  
“Fuuuuuuck that feels good.” Cosima couldn't help but moan. It really shouldn't surprise her that Delphine was good at this. As far as she could tell the blonde mastered everything she did.  
  
“Shhh.” Delphine cooed, lowering herself down so her lips were right by the shell of the brunette's ear. “'Si tu restais tranquille comme une gentille fille, peut-être que j'arriverais à faire disparaître la douleur.” **  
  
** “Yeah, I don't know what you just said, but if you keep saying it like that and doing what you're doing I'll do whatever you want.”  
  
“Bien. Then shut up.”  
  
Cosima didn't make a peep the rest of the massage. Delphine took her time, making sure to get deep into the muscle slowly to ease the pain without adding to it. From Cosima's back Delphine moved to her shoulders, up her neck and to her scalp. Then the backs of her thighs and her calves before she had her subject turn over and massaged her chest - PG stuff above her breasts, her arms, quads, feet and then a quick run over her abdominal muscles before Delphine's hand couldn't help but wander to her sex. True to her word, Cosima felt no pain. In fact, she couldn't remember ever feeling so thoroughly relaxed and sated.

* * *

4 MONTHS AGO  
  
“I never want to see another convent as long as I live.”  
  
Delphine laughed on the other end of the phone. _“I've heard convents in the Ukraine are . . . intense.”  
  
_ “Intense? One of the nuns screamed the second she saw me and dumped an entire bucket of holy water over my head.”  
  
_“What did you do to her?”_ Delphine asked as she laughed again.  
  
“Nothing!” Cosima exclaimed, hiking her backpack higher over her shoulder and looking up at the departure screen at the various gates, looking for the plane that would take her to Ireland to meet Siobhan. “Well, I mean, to her. I've certainly done my fair share of unholy things for one lifetime.” Finding her gate, Cosima found all the seats taken so picked herself a spot on the floor by the window. “What about you? How are things in Toronto?”  
  
_“Oh, well, you know . . . working.”  
  
_ Cosima chuckled. Delphine was a certifiable workaholic. Anytime they spoke when she wasn't around, the blonde was always at work. Five am, ten pm, one time at a little after two in the morning. But then when Cosima was in town it seemed like work was the furthest thing on her mind. “Aw, don't worry,” she teased. “Another three weeks and I'll be home and you'll have something to do other than work.”  
  
_“Cheeky.”  
  
_ “You know me. So whatcha working on?”  
  
_“If I told you I would have to kill you and your entire family.”  
  
_ It would be so easy to ask Delphine to look into her disease. Even in the realm of hypotheticals where she had a ‘ _friend_ with an _unknown, unclassified autoimmune disease with masses in her lungs, what do you think?_ ’ “Oooh, top secret shit, huh?”  
  
_“Ultimately, yes.”_ Delphine sighed. _“Which is unfortunate because I really think you would be a great asset here. We are...”_ she sighed again. _“..stuck on our current project. Someone with a mind like yours...What do you think about applying to the DYAD?”  
  
_ Cosima's mouth opened and closed. Everyone in the scientific community knew about the DYAD Institute. Polio, Spanish Influenza and numerous other diseases were now preventable because of it. Every scientist dreamed of working for one of the many DYAD branches across the globe. Cosima would be lying if she didn't admit that at one time she hoped to apply herself, but that was before...everything. “Yeah, maybe someday. Little busy right now.”  
  
_"It doesn't have to be today. Maybe once you finish your PhD? It is an amazing opportunity. The things we have access to here...”  
  
_ Cosima nodded along sadly, knowing full well what a career at DYAD would give her access to. It was why the institute was so well known. They only hired the best and therefor they churned out the best results. Working at DYAD could be the opportunity of a lifetime. It would have made her entire career. Any other time . . .  
  
_“Merde”  
  
_ “Everything okay?”  
  
_“Une instant.”_ Delphine whispered. **  
  
** Cosima listened quietly as there was a murmur of voices. One she couldn't make out, but sounded like an older man, then another male voice and Delphine's. It was impossible to make out what they were saying, but judging by the tones it didn't sound good.  
  
_“One day I will kill that man.”_ Delphine sighed, back on the line.  
  
“Who?”  
  
_“My boss. He seems to think that just because we had a...thing once, I will roll over and do whatever he wants even when I have made it explicitly clear that I think that is the wrong course of action. If he was looking for someone to simply smile and nod and do what he wanted, he picked the wrong person. Honestly I think he just likes to see me angry.”  
  
_ Cosima smiled. Delphine Cormier was certainly not the type to _roll over_ for anyone. From what little she had seen of Delphine's work, which was mostly the blonde answering emails or arguing over the phone or bouncing ideas off of her as she poured over articles and papers, the blonde was a very competent, driven and passionate woman who would push with everything she had for what she felt was right. “In his defense, you all worked up is, like, ridiculously sexy.”  
  
Delphine chuckled and Cosima felt a lot of the doctor's tension dissipate. _“The way I get worked up with you is much different from how I get worked up with him, chérie.”  
  
_ “Maybe now, but not if you used to have a _thing_.”  
  
Delphine groaned. _“I'd like to say I was young and stupid, but I am not sure enough time has passed for that to be the case. It was years ago, when I was still in Paris and when I first came here, but . . . it was not the smartest thing I ever did. Now he seems to like to remind me of it every chance he gets.”  
  
_ “Yeah, now I _really_ want to come work with you.” Cosima said with an exaggerated eye roll. “Do you want me to come fight this guy?” She teased. “Well, not me personally. I've never been much of a fighter, but Helena could kick his ass. Like, legitimately.” Cosima was never a jealous person. She couldn't care less about someone's past or who they had been with or even what sexuality they identified with. If she liked them and they liked her, that was all that mattered. It was no surprise to her that Delphine had been with men and women, but knowing she was working under this person she used to be intimate with and that he was holding it over her head didn't sit right with her. It made her want to protect Delphine. Even though she knew the blonde could handle herself perfectly well.  
  
They had known each other for about four-ish months now and in that time the blonde had shown Cosima so many sides of herself. She was serious and playful, focused and laid back, confident and nervous. She was loving and determined and sweet and kind and attentive and a bit sadistic at times, in the best way of course. Delphine Cormier was so many things, but she was no fool. She could handle herself, but even so Cosima had the overwhelming urge to hold her and tell her everything would be okay.  
  
Helena was already on her way back to Toronto. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to have her pay the man a visit...  
  
_“I will be fine. He knows better than to … how do you say, try me? But it is very sweet of you to care.”_

* * *

ONE WEEK LATER  
  
“Delphine!”  
  
Delphine's sleepy face looked up through the screen clearly unimpressed. _“Cosima, you do realize what time it is, don't you?”  
  
_ Cosima shook her head. “No, but I have to tell you something.”  
  
_“Have you been drinking?”  
  
_ “Yeeeees! S just kept putting drinks in front of me. Couldn't tell you what half of them were. But, really, I have to tell you something.”  
  
_“Can't it wait till morning?”  
  
_ “Aww.” Cosima pouted, her lower lip sticking out like a child's, but it was the legitimate quiver of her chin that changed Delphine's tune.  
  
_“What is it chérie?”  
  
_ “I just miss you.”  
  
Delphine smiled brightly. _“I miss you too.”  
  
_ “Sooo...” Cosima cooed mischievously. “Ever tried Skype sex?”

* * *

2.5 WEEKS LATER  
  
Cosima couldn't keep her hands to herself as they leisurely walked the aisles of the supermarket. It had been a long month of traveling, she just bought a house and she was happy. Delphine for her part didn't appear to mind one bit. In fact, before she commandeered a shopping cart, her hands had been all over Cosima as well. They were both highly affectionate individuals, constantly keeping physical contact when they were together.  
  
“How about pizza?” The brunette asked as they stopped in front of a frozen freezer case.  
  
“Seriously?” Delphine questioned with a disgusted look on her face.  
  
Cosima furrowed her brow. It wasn't that Delphine didn't like pizza. “What?”  
  
“That is _not_ pizza. That is frozen pizza.”  
  
“Yes, but see they have these new inventions nowadays known as ovens. You put the frozen pizza in it and it comes out fully cooked and ready to go.” She pulled Delphine closer to her and looked around. “It's magic,” she whispered.  
  
Delphine pulled back and playfully swatted her cheeky companion. “You are such a brat!” Cosima threw her a wink and went to pull the freezer open, but a hand on her wrist stopped her. “We are most definitely _not_ eating frozen pizza. Please tell me your diet consists of more than frozen food.”  
  
“Of course it does.” Cosima protested. “I like bananas.”  
  
With an over exaggerated eye roll, the blonde led her by hand far from the freezer section and over to the fresh produce. “Ma grand-mère would be appalled. I will cook tonight. Real food.” There were many differences between the country she had grown up in and the country Delphine currently resided in and the culinary choices may as well have made the two countries entirely different planets. Where she grew up food wasn't something you took out of the freezer and warmed quickly or something in a pouch you grabbed on your way out the door because it was convenient. And don't even get her started on fast food.  
  
Where she grew up cooking was an art form, an experience, and food was something that brought people together. Not the chore some seemed to regard it as. Her grandmother would spend hours in the kitchen every day and as soon as she was old enough to use a knife, Delphine was helping as well. She remembered going to the market with her and watching the older woman carefully select each and every tomato, onion, carrot, potato, every head of lettuce and cabbage, every cut of meat was carefully selected from the butcher right off the animal. She would dry and mix up her own spices and keep them in cryptically labeled bottles so no could replicate her _recettes secrètes_ **(secret recipes)**. Even if it was only because her grandfather wanted a sandwich, she would bake her own bread. Hell, the woman even churned her own ice cream.  
  
It was something Delphine still enjoyed today. It gave her something to focus on other than work. Peeling, chopping, mixing, measuring, rolling...She didn't have the kind of time to cook that her grandmother used to, but give her an hour and she could have an extremely tasteful and healthy meal prepared.  
  
“Mmm okay.” Cosima smiled. “What about tomorrow? Can I have my frozen pizza then?”  
  
“Non.” Delphine said dismissively as she picked up a small bundle of fresh sprigs of thyme and brought it to her nose. “I'll cook for you then too.”  
  
“And the next day?” The brunette pressed, a sly smile on her face.  
  
“Still no.”  
  
“How about the day after that?”  
  
“If you want pizza so badly I can make pizza, but I will burn my lab to the ground before I let you eat frozen pizza. Seigneur! Comment qui que ce soit peut prendre ça pour de la vraie nourriture ?” **  
  
** “You just gonna cook for me forever then?”  
  
Delphine looked at Cosima out of the corner of her eye and smiled. “If I have to, yes.”

* * *

CURRENT TIME  
  
“So you're supposed to talk soon?” Sarah asked, tearing her eyes away from the downpour outside to her sister and niece coloring on the floor.  
  
“Honestly?” Cosima shrugged. “I don't know. She's away until Sunday and she didn't exactly say ‘ _yes_.’”  
  
“What are you gonna do?”  
  
Cosima shrugged again. “Wait and see. If I don't hear from her by Monday...”  
  
“Auntie Cosima?”  
  
“Yeah Monkey?” Cosima turned to her niece with a smile, adding yellow spots to the large green dinosaur she drew.  
  
“If you love Delphine and she loves you, why can't you be together?”  
  
“It's a little more complicated than that.” Cosima answered her niece with a sigh.  
  
“Because you're sick.” Kira said as she continued coloring. Kira was a smart kid, but she was young. She didn't understand what all of this really meant for her aunt.  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima nodded sadly. “Because of that.”  
  
“But she knows that doesn't she?”  
  
“No. I uh, I haven't told her yet.” Nothing like the innocence of a child to remind you of your failures and make you feel even more guilty than you already did.  
  
“Oh.” Kira looked up from their picture for a moment before picking a different colored crayon and continuing. “You should tell her. She's a doctor. She could make you healthy again.”  
  
Cosima looked up at Sarah before the other woman could turn away to hide the tears in her eyes. For the first time in months Sarah had hope for her sister when she met Delphine. Further treatments may not help Cosima, but she wasn't even willing to try and see. Sarah was there in the hospital and after, seeing first hand the hell her sister went through, but maybe something else would work. Maybe there had been new developments in the past couple of months. If there was anyone who would make Cosima want to fight and live, it was the Frenchwoman. Without her Sarah was sure this disease would claim her sister much sooner than she was ready for.  
  
Sarah could see right past Cosima's walls. Wanting to spare the blonde the pain of losing her ‘ _soul mate’_ or whatever Cosima thought they were, wasn't the only reason she pushed the blonde away. Cosima knew too that Delphine would make her fight. Delphine wouldn't accept her dying. Cosima accepted long ago that she was going to die. It had become who she was, dead woman walking. In the past two years she had changed so much of herself – her hopes, her dreams, her plans. In comparison to who she was today, the old Cosima seemed like an entirely different person.  
  
Cosima was scared. Scared to think that she could live. Scared to be let down; to believe in something that might not happen. Scared to think that she could spend the rest of the time she had left in the same kind of pain she was before just to die anyway.  
  
_It was a rare occurrence that Cosima woke before her blonde lover. Cosima preferred to sleep until well after the sun rose and Delphine liked to get a run in before work. She couldn't help but smile as she ghosted her fingers over the constellation of beauty marks across Delphine's back. Every freckle, every curve, every scar she committed to memory. In this moment everything was just so perfect she wanted to savor it forever. It would only be a matter of time until her memories were all she had left to comfort her so she would go over every detail again and again until she knew this body better than she knew her own.  
  
__“Any other time Delphine and I would have loved you so fiercely.” Careful not to wake the other woman she very gently reached over and moved a few curls from her face. “I wish things could be different for us.”  
  
_ Sarah insisted on staying the night. The three of them piled into Cosima's big bed with all the pillows and blankets they could find and popcorn and eskimo pies and had an old school movie marathon. Surprisingly it was Cosima who passed out first. Before they were even halfway through the first movie at, like, eight o'clock. In the morning she claimed the emotional toll was completely exhausting her, but Sarah knew better. Cosima was getting weaker. Sarah saw her stop to catch her breath more often and she had to refill some of her medications even though she just had before Barcelona.  
  
The next day Sarah didn’t want to leave. Both because she could see Cosima was getting sick again and because she knew her sister would sit there and drive herself insane waiting to see or hear from Delphine. They stayed for breakfast and a couple of science experiments in the kitchen, but she promised Kira they would have lunch with her dad, so off they went.  
  
Knowing that she had to keep herself busy today, Cosima made a plan to do a thorough deep-cleaning. Like moving furniture, washing curtains, scrubbing toilets kind of deep cleaning, but to do that she would need to make a caffeine run. And to do that she needed to find her bag. “I swear I just had it . . . wait, did I even unpack it yet?” Cosima tried to think back. Sarah and Kira picked her up from the airport and she wanted to spend time with them so she just shoved all her things upstairs and didn't remember actually unpacking a damn thing. It still had to be upstairs wrapped around her suitcase handle where she left it.  
  
She didn't even make it three steps up the stairs when a choking cough wracked her entire body. The world felt like it fell from beneath her feet when she saw that familiar crimson on her hand. Eleven months. It had been eleven months and she was already coughing up blood again. Physically she didn't feel much different than she had the past few weeks. A bit more tired and it was harder to catch her breath sometimes, but she chalked it up to pushing herself too hard lately with the trips.  
  
Only this . . . this wasn't because of any trip. Now she was angry. Her body couldn't even let her have a year before the symptoms started coming back. There was no time for this right now. Delphine would call her and they would meet up and talk and if she looked at the blood on her hand any longer she would lose her nerve and she would _not_ die with Delphine thinking she didn't love her. That was just something she would not allow to happen regardless of whether or not Delphine wanted anything further to do with her. She at least had to make sure the blonde knew that.  
  
_Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
_ Refusing to think about it, Cosima wiped her hand on the side of her pants and with a shake of her head made her way to the front door. Kira never left anything behind, but Sarah...that woman was worse than a child. “Okay Sarah what did you forget this time?”  
  
No sooner had she opened the door than all the breath left her body and her blood turned to ice. This was not a face she ever expected to see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> "Si tu restais tranquille comme une gentille fille, peut-être que j'arriverais à faire disparaître la douleur.” (If you relax like a good girl I will make all the pain go away. LIT If you could stay still like a good girl, maybe I could make the pain disappear.)  
> “Une instant.” (One minute)  
> recettes secrètes (secret recipes)  
> "Seigneur! Comment qui que ce soit peut prendre ça pour de la vraie nourriture ?” (My God how can anyone consider that actual food? LIT. Lord! How can anyone take that as true food?)  
> I think anyone reading a Cophine fic knows what "merde" and "chérie" translate to ;)


	19. Sense and Sensibility

****The smile immediately fell from Cosima's face. “Shay.”  
  
Shay smiled meekly and offered a small wave. “Hey Cosima.”  
  
It took a couple long moments before Cosima could process that Shay was actually here at her home standing at her door, but when she did she saw red. “Are you fucking kidding me?” How dare Shay show up after what she did. Cosima hadn't seen the blonde since the night before she was left in the hospital, hadn't heard from her other than the few words on her voicemail the day she left. Not a single call or text had been answered, returned or made. Shay hadn't left so much as a forwarding address for her mail.  
  
“Please Cosima, just hear me out.” The other woman begged.  
  
“How do you even know where I live?”  
  
“Cos-” Shay said softly as she took a step forward.  
  
“Don't.” Cosima held her hand up, pausing the other woman mid-step. “You have some nerve.”  
  
“I know. And I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but just let me explain.”  
  
Cosima shook her head. “Not a chance.”  
  
“Please.”  
  
“You can't be serious. You left me in the hospital without a word Shay. You didn't think I deserved a conversation before you threw four years down the drain?”  
  
“You weren't conscious long enough to have a conversation!” The blonde protested. There it was. Her fiery temper. Her ' _I can do no wrong'_ attitude. Shay always had an interesting way of justifying her actions. There was always an explanation that shifted any blame from herself. She could literally take a match to her own hair, setting it on fire, and find a way to put the blame on the water coming out of the faucet for not defying gravity, developing a consciousness and putting the fire out.  
  
Not this time.  
  
“You disappeared.” Cosima shot back. “I could have died!” So many thoughts were flying around her head. How had Shay found her? Why? What did she hope to accomplish by showing up after all these months? _Delphine._ Focus on Delphine. You need to talk to her today, _not_ Shay.  You don't _want_ to talk to Shay. You owe her nothing.  
  
Cosima couldn't help her curious nature, but the sting of betrayal was stronger.  
  
“I know!” Shay shook her head, a few tears falling from her blue eyes. Blue eyes Cosima had spent hours staring into. Eyes that had once reflected so much love and trust. “But you didn't.”  
  
“No thanks to you.”  
  
“Alright.” Shay began with a casual shrug, wiping her tears away like they were nothing, which, they probably were. The blonde really should pursue a career in acting. “I'll just sit out here until you change your mind.”  
  
“Feel free.” Cosima said, grabbing the door. Helena probably wouldn't be busy and could chase her away. Or she could call Beth. Surely they could work up a harassment charge. Or stalking. How did she find out where she lived? None of her family, or friends back in San Francisco would have given Shay any of her information.  
  
“I'm sure your neighbors wouldn't mind hearing all about that time we got kicked off the train because I was wearing that skirt, you remember that really short grey one, and straddling your lap and we were kissing and you couldn't keep your hands-”  
  
Cosima grabbed Shay by the arm and pulled her into the house. Four years together had shown her that if she didn't let Shay in she would stand right outside her door, her voice getting progressively louder as she described, in explicit detail, exactly what Cosima's hands had done. Cosima wasn't in the mood for anyone to be taking a trip through her past. With a deep breath she set her jaw and closed the door. “What do you want, Shay?”  
  
“This is a nice place.” Shay said, her eyes glancing all over the room. “Not really your style though. Did you hire a decorator?”  
  
“Talk.” Cosima demanded.  
  
Shay sighed, her eyes lingering on a pair of knee-high boots beside the closet before meeting Cosima's eyes. “Can I at least sit?”  
  
Cosima crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow.  
  
“What do you want me to say Cosima? I was scared.”  
  
Cosima wanted to lash out. Wanted to tell Shay how _she_ had been terrified, how she still was. How she was the one dying, not Shay. How difficult it was on her; especially when her girlfriend, her life, her rock, left. How she almost died in the hospital. Almost gave up, though maybe leaving the hospital and waiting to die was giving up? How the pain made her pray for death, how sick she was, anything to get the other woman out of her own head and think about how all of that was for Cosima. But as she opened her mouth to start, she saw something crumble in those blue eyes. The pain and regret called to her from across the room.  
  
Cosima wasn't a cruel person. She hated to see anyone in pain, much less be the reason for that pain. The pain Shay felt was clear. It wouldn't do any good to tell her all those things. It wouldn't change anything. It certainly wouldn't make her feel any better. All it would do is make the blonde feel worse. As badly as she had hurt Cosima, Cosima wasn't cruel.  
  
“Yeah,” she settled for instead, moving to the couch and gesturing for Shay to join her. “Yeah I get that.” Though Shay tried to be strong for her girlfriend, Cosima knew how scared she had been. Any time Cosima coughed she could feel Shay's heart rate increase. Anytime she was sick she could see the tremor in Shay's hand. This disease wasn't just tough on her. It was tough on all of them. Cosima knew she hadn't been the only one hurting, but still...Shay left. “Why?”  
  
“Cosima you are so so strong. You could handle-”  
  
“I could _handle_ because my girlfriend was there supporting me. Telling me I could do it when I didn't believe I could. I had no choice Shay!” She shook her head sadly, but wouldn't allow herself to cry. Shay didn't deserve the tears. “You were there for everything. What happened?”  
  
Shay looked away, the guilt clear as day on her face and Cosima's stomach dropped. “I met someone.”  
  
Cosima felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. Of course this was in the mix of theories she tossed around about why Shay left, but to hear it was something else entirely. “So being scared was bullshit. You met someone. While I was lying there in that hospital alone- _your girlfriend,_ was dying you found someone else?!”  
  
“You weren't alone. Your sisters were there, your mother-” Shay protested weakly.  
  
“Not the point Shay!”  
  
“I'm not proud of what I did. Cosima you have to realize how hard all of that was on me.”  
  
“Yes of course.” Cosima nodded. “Because it was a freaking cake walk for me.”  
  
“I didn't say that.”  
  
Cosima shook her head sadly. “Get out,” she was so utterly and completely exhausted all of a sudden.  
  
“No one tells you how to deal with something like that.”  
  
“You don't have to tell me that Shay!”  
  
“I know.” The blonde said softly as she reached out and tentatively grasped Cosima's hand. Cosima looked down at their hands, but didn't pull away. Shay ran her thumb back and forth over Cosima's hand a few times before looking up with fresh tears in her eyes.  
  
__Shay sat at the bar. It was almost midnight and she just left Cosima at the hospital. Visiting hours ended hours ago, but the nurses always let her stay a little longer. Cosima seemed to be awake most at night. Honestly she didn't even know where she was. After leaving the hospital she just walked and when she looked up there was a sign for '2 for $5 Margaritas.' She never particularly liked margaritas, but she needed something to take the edge off. Anything to make her feel like her entire world wasn't crashing down around her.  
  
__Slowly she ran her finger over the edge of the cool glass. How had everything unraveled so quickly? Part of it still felt like a dream. She would never say this out loud, but it was really setting in that Cosima might not make it out of this. For months now Shay kept telling her she would beat this, she would live, but now...now she watched the love of her life lying in a hospital bed unconscious and wondered how long until she stopped waking up?  
  
__The bartender mixed her another drink and then another when Shay finished that in one gulp. “Tough day?”  
  
__Four years together seemed like so long and yet not nearly long enough. There was no going back from Cosima. Cosima loved so fully and with everything she had that it was impossible not to feel her even when they were apart, but lately...Shay couldn't feel her anymore.  
  
__Things used to be good, used to be easy. Of course they argued, like any couple. They had their disagreements and their fights, but they had been happy. With sad eyes she looked up at the bartender. “Life used to be easy, you know? Things used to make sense. How do I get that back?”  
  
__A slender hand wrapped around hers and she turned around and looked up into steel grey eyes. “I think I know a way.”  
  
“It was stupid, but I just wanted things to be normal. I didn't want to be constantly thinking about medication and tests and timetables and death. I messed up, I admit it. It only lasted a couple of months then I tried to find you, but you'd moved and had a new number and nobody would tell me where you were or how to contact you.”  
  
Cosima pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. “Good.” For once she was glad she had been too sick to wallow in Shay leaving. Four years. Four years gone in the blink of an eye for some pretty face to warm her bed when things got tough. “You don't get to be with someone only when things are good. You get all or nothing.”  
  
“I know that now. Cosima I messed up. I'm sorry . . . but I love you.” She smiled sweetly, her voice breaking with the admission.  
  
Cosima ripped her hand out of Shay's so fast. “You've got a hell of a way of showing it.”  
  
“How many times can I say I'm sorry?”  
  
“Not nearly enough.” Needing some space Cosima got up and went over to the front window, looking out into the bright, warm world. Outside was the polar opposite of everything around her right now. Her life was a constant display of dark clouds and bad storms lately, with Tropical Storm Shay taking the cake. After what she did and all this time, Shay couldn't honestly expect to come back and have Cosima go back to her. There was no apology that would ever forgive what she did.  
  
Cosima was so naive. Their entire relationship was a lie. Shay was never committed to her. Yeah, sure, they were happy, but more often than not it was Shay’s way or the highway and Cosima, for some reason, always bent to her will. Maybe it was because her studies took up so much of her time that it was just easier to be in a relationship, to have someone to come home to rather than trying to date with her schedule, maybe it was because Shay had been kind and sweet and so attentive for the first year of their relationship that Cosima just figured that faded a bit when people were together for as long as they were, maybe it was because her father died when she was so young and her mother never had anyone else so she never saw what a real, loving relationship was supposed to look like, but whatever the reason she didn’t realize just how wrong Shay had been for her until she met Delphine.  
  
__Delphine.  
  
Cosima needed Delphine so much in this moment she physically couldn't breathe. All she could think of was how Delphine would never do what Shay did. Delphine would never leave her. No one had ever looked at her with as much love in their eyes as Delphine did. No one ever made her feel so cared for, so wanted, so safe. It was all built on a lie, Cosima knew that. She lied to Delphine. There was no sabbatical, she wouldn't be returning to her studies soon, that black case she brought everywhere with her wasn't vitamins. And not only did she return Delphine's feelings, but her heart beat for the other woman.  
  
Without her everything felt wrong. Cosima thought ending things was the right thing to do. She'd been so sure that pushing Delphine away would be better than telling her the truth. There was always the possibility that telling Delphine she was sick would result in the blonde leaving, but it was an extremely slim possibility. Deep in her heart Cosima knew that would never happen. Delphine was unlike anyone she'd ever met. Everything she ever wanted was within the blonde and Cosima had been so stupid to think she could live any amount of time without her.  
  
Suddenly it hit Cosima. Why Shay left, why she moved to Toronto, everything. Since the beginning she'd been wrestling with her belief that everything happened for a reason and what that reason was for her illness. Maybe . . . maybe getting sick was just a sucky twist of fate, but Shay had to leave so Cosima would meet Delphine. So Cosima would move to Toronto for her sisters and meet her soulmate. So Delphine could save her in so many ways.  
  
“I am so stupid.”  
  
Cosima did her research on the good doctor months ago. Delphine was absolutely brilliant. Her career specialized in rare autoimmune diseases. _Fitting, right?_ If Cosima had any hope of beating this disease, of actually having a halfway decent shot at living, it rested in Delphine's hands. If anyone could cure her it was Delphine.  
  
It all made sense now.  
  
She couldn't leave Delphine. Not now and, God willing, not ever. She had to fight. Fight for Delphine, for her family, her sisters, for her life. All of it. That was the whole point.  
  
Being so wrapped up in her thoughts Cosima didn't hear Shay slide up behind her.  
  
“Are you lost?” Cosima twisted herself out of the other woman's arms and quickly crossed the room.  
  
“Cosima we were together for four years!” Shay began, following Cosima and sitting back down on the sofa. “You can't throw that kind of time away.”  
  
“I think you did a pretty good job.”  
  
With a deep breath Shay reached out and took Cosima's hands in her own. Cosima fought and tried to take her hands back, but Shay persisted and wouldn't let go. At this point Cosima was fought out. Too much had gone on in the past few days, even in the past few minutes, and she didn’t have the energy to keep up. It was more than she could physically handle. As the tears started to fall she stopped struggling and looked up.  
  
“I am so sorry for leaving.” Shay began, assuming Cosima's tears were for her as the furthest thought from her mind was that Cosima could have someone else. “I am so sorry I broke every promise I made to you. I know it will take time to gain your trust back, but I want to try. I know you still love me too.”  
  
Cosima shook her head. “I don-” A pair of lips on her own silenced her protest.  
  
Delphine ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath. Her curls had been left down and wild just how Cosima liked them. It had taken a bit of finagling, but she was able to leave the lecture series early. It wasn't possible to get her lecture moved up any earlier, but she was able to duck out of the Sunday luncheon panel and took the earliest flight available.  
  
Delphine didn't know what to expect. Cosima made her believe there was one right person for her and Cosima was that person, but that one person also hurt her worse than she had ever been hurt before. Worse than she thought that person ever capable of, but then she called and wanted to talk and explain everything and Delphine couldn't stop her heart from beating a little faster again. Couldn't stop the hope from bubbling up inside of her no matter how hard she tried. A lot of thinking had been done since Cosima's phone call and it all came down to one thing - Cosima was the love of her life. Before she decided anything she needed to hear her out.  
  
Cosima kissing her ex-girlfriend was not something she prepared for. Over the past few days she prepared for a great many things, but that was definitely not one of them.  
  
__“Okay, Cos would kill me for showing this to you,” Felix began as he scrolled through the pictures on his phone, searching for something. “But you need to know what she looks like so that if you ever see her you can get Cosima out ASAP. Hopefully the she-bitch has the good sense to stay away, but if not you need to be prepared.”  
  
Delphine scoffed then at how Shay didn't look like a _she-bitch._ She didn’t look like one back when Felix showed her the picture and she didn’t look like one now. If Delphine was being totally honest with herself, Shay was actually more beautiful in person. Just a few days ago on the phone Cosima said she wanted to tell her everything. Did she lose her chance by not agreeing to hear Cosima out? By hanging up the phone? By not being here when Cosima got back? How could Cosima say she meant __“so much” to her then kiss her ex?  
  
That was three times now Cosima broke her heart. Italy. Barcelona. Toronto. There wouldn't be a fourth. Refusing to let the tears fall, Delphine turned and walked away, digging a pack of cigarettes out of her bag and taking a long, slow drag. Bypassing her car, Delphine walked down to the store on the corner of Cosima's street. The one with the eskimo pies, but also the one that knew her and stocked her preferred cigarettes. She had a feeling she would be needing more of them today.


	20. Elle a mon Cœur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only took Cosima 20 chapters to tell Delphine she's sick. Better late than never, right. But don't worry. Story is nowhere near done! Thanks to all of you leaving reviews and kudos and reading! I love seeing your thoughts and comments! You guys rock!

It took a minute for Cosima to register what was going on. To process Shay's lips on her own and how completely different they felt from what she truly wanted. She pushed Shay away so fast the blonde nearly fell over. "What the hell Shay?”  
  
Shay knelt down, pulling a ring out of her pocket.  
  
Cosima stared down in shock. “Is this a joke?”  
  
“No.” Shay shook her head. “Cosima I love you-”  
  
“Shay stop! This...whatever this is, is _not_ happening. I don't know what would make you think it would.”  Cosima knew people sometimes did desperate things to get someone back, and her heart softened a little for the woman in front of her. Despite what Shay did, they had a history. She could still see a lot of love there, but some things just can’t be taken back or fixed. Even if they could, she’d moved on.  
  
“Because we had something good Cosima.”  
  
“Key word being _had._ ”  
  
“I know you want to get married. This was the plan before you got sick.” Shay said, trying desperately to reach the old Cosima – her Cosima. The person Cosima hadn't been in quite some time.  
  
Cosima chuckled in disbelief. “So I should marry you to what? Say that I did? Cross it off my bucket list? So you can assuage your guilt for a couple of months then be free to do what you want?” Cosima took a step back.  
  
“No, of course not.” Shay stood up. “You want to get married-”  
  
“Not to you.” Cosima shook her head. “Not anymore.” Cosima wanted to get married, of course. Wanted a big, white wedding-though maybe not so big and maybe not so white, in a field or on a beach somewhere, wanted a house with the white picket fence-though, again, maybe not so white, she and her wife arguing about colors for the nursery _'Non, absolutely not. Just because she's a girl does not mean her room has to be pink.' 'Wow blue for a boy, original. Way to push those gender stereotypes early.'_ And while her wife was blonde, she wasn't Shay. She was tall and French and had insanely magical hair.  
  
“What don't you get Shay? I don't want you. And honestly...you don't want me either if it was so easy for you to walk away when I needed you. You need to go.” With a newfound sense of purpose, Cosima opened the door and looked at her ex with a raised brow until she conceded and crossed the threshold.   
  
“Cosima you're dying.” Shay began as Cosima moved to close the door behind her. It had the desired effect and Cosima stopped. Shay took a step closer, bringing her hand to caress the side of Cosima's face. “You don't want to do that alone,” she said softly. “You need someone.”  
  
Cosima leaned into the touch for a brief moment before she pulled Shay's hand away. “Yeah,” she admitted softly. “Just not you.”  
  
“Is this about that blonde who was just here?”  
  
Cosima's face fell. “What blonde?”  
  
Shay shook her head. “Tall, blonde curls, big puppy eyes, took off real fast when I kissed you.”  
  
Cosima's heart dropped, an icy chill running up her spine. That kiss had been so out of context. One second they were talking, the next Shay kissed her. Of course she was doing it with a reason. There were pictures of her and Delphine all over, so naturally Shay would have seen them, saw how they looked at one another and known she was important to Cosima. “Yeah it's about her. And she is so much  more than you will ever be.” Part of her hated the words as they left her mouth, but what Shay did to her was so much worse. Then coming here, begging for forgiveness and thinking Cosima would change her mind because she throws the fact that she's dying back in her face? Never in a million years would she have believed Shay could be so cruel, but desperate times and all that...  
  
“What does she have that I don't have?”  
  
“You had your chance Shay.”  
  
“What does she have?” The petite blonde repeated.  
  
Cosima didn't just want anymore. Weekend adventures and growing old weren't just things she wanted to do. She didn't want any of that with the woman in front of her. When she first came to Toronto, if Shay had shown up and said all of this she would have seriously considered taking her back, but their time had come and gone. Cosima wanted forever, but not with Shay. Forever now was wrapped up in blonde curls and hazel eyes for the rest of her life. However long that would be. “Elle a mon Cœur.”Cosima answered in flawless French.  
  
“Does she know you're sick?” Cosima stared deep into cold blue eyes. Eyes that had once held so much love and affection. Eyes she never thought could hurt her as badly as they did, but despite what Shay was saying and how she softened them to get Cosima to bend, it wasn't working. Cosima knew better this time. “Oh.” Shay chuckled. “She doesn't, does she? Well fine. You think she's so much better than me, be my guest. Just don't be surprised when she leaves you too.” Quickly taking a card out of her pocket, Shay set it on the table just inside the door. “I'll be in town 'till Thursday. Let me know _when_ you change your mind.”  
  
Cosima slammed the door shut and ran to her cell phone, quickly pulling up Delphine's number. After a few rings, “ _Bonjour. You have reached Dr. Delphine Cormier-”_ “Shit!” Cosima tried a couple more times, but same result. As fast as she could she ran upstairs, showered, dressed and was out the door. Shay messed up enough of her life, already took enough from her. She would NOT let her take Delphine too.  
  
She grabbed the card Shay left on her way out and threw it right in the barrel outside.  
  
Her fingers pressed the redial button as she hopped on the bus, but it didn’t ring this time, instead going straight to voicemail. Her stomach muscles clenched knowing Delphine turned it off to ignore her calls. She pushed the thought that this may be what fucks them up for good far from her mind and tried her landline - answering machine.  
  
The bus ride was quick with Cosima continuing to call Delphine, texting and sending emails to both the blonde's personal and work accounts. It dropped her off a few blocks from Delphine's apartment and she all but ran there, stopping a few times to suck as much oxygen into her lungs as she could. This really wasn't the smartest thing to be doing in her condition, but some things were more important.  
  
She was already dying. Pushing herself a little too hard wouldn't change anything. Once she got to the building it was a good ten minutes of ringing the bell before someone left and let her in.  
  
Bypassing the elevator, she raced up to the third floor which, even with the ten minute break to catch her breath, her lungs were _not_ happy with, rounded the corner and stopped in front of apartment 24B knocking frantically. “Delphine! Delphine it's me open up. Please.” This went on for longer than Cosima cared to admit before she leaned her head on the door and sighed. Delphine's cell phone was off so she couldn't use it's ringing to judge if she was home or not. She was about to head down to the parking garage to check for Delphine's car when the apartment next door opened.  
  
“She isn't home.”  
  
Cosima's shoulders slumped as she offered the older woman a sad smile. She looked to be in her sixties maybe, with short, grey hair and blue eyes. “Yeah, thanks. Sorry if I disturbed you.”  
  
“You're her, aren't you?”  
  
“Excuse me?” Cosima had been to Delphine's apartment plenty of times, but had never seen this woman before.  Her accent sounded somewhere between English and Irish. Cosina couldn’t be sure. She never was the best at deciphering accents.  
  
“Delphine and I talk sometimes. My daughter doesn't visit much and she doesn't have many people to talk to. She's been teaching me French.” The woman smiled. “She told me there was a woman she cares for very much, but that there was something holding her back.”  
  
“There isn't anymore.” Cosima assured the woman. Not that she was exactly sure why. It really wasn't any of her business, but Cosima could see she genuinely cared for Delphine. “I need to tell her, but her phone is off, she's not returning any of my emails, she won't answer the door...”  
  
“She's not home.”  
  
Cosima nodded. “Would it be really creepy if I sat here and waited?”  
  
The older woman took a step back into her apartment and nodded for Cosima to follow. “Come on. I just made tea. She shouldn't be long.”  
  
As Delphine's neighbor, Kendall, predicted it wasn't long until Cosima heard the door to Delphine's apartment open. It was maybe half an hour later, and Cosima was out like a shot. “Oh,” she popped her head back into the apartment. “Thanks for the tea.”  
  
Kendall waved her off. “Go, go.”  
  
Cosima smiled and went, but the smile fell outside Delphine's door. Kendall offered her a comforting smile. “Well go on then.” Before walking back into her apartment and closing the door.  
  
Cosima closed her eyes and took a deep breath before quietly knocking. “Delphine it’s me.” A minute or so later the door slowly opened. “You weren't answering my calls. Or texts. Or emails.”  
  
Delphine grabbed the towel from around her neck and wiped the sweat from her hairline. “I went out for a run,” she shrugged casually, as if she hadn't just been trying to run as far and as fast from her problems as her legs would physically carry her.  
  
Cosima licked her lips. No one would deny that Delphine was absolutely gorgeous, but there was something about her covered in a fine sheen of sweat and wearing those short running shorts that absolutely did Cosima in. “Can I come in?”  
  
Delphine took a deep breath and opened the door just wide enough for Cosima to pass. Despite being intimately familiar with the apartment, Cosima couldn't help but feel out of place. There wasn't a surface she and Delphine hadn't had sex on and the memories all came flooding to her at once while she waited for Delphine to close the door, almost taunting her. Like, _haha fool this is what you just lost._ Delphine kept her back to her, but Cosima gave her her space. Her hands were unnaturally still while she waited, that energy instead going to her mind. There was so much she wanted to explain and so many things she wanted to say that she couldn't land on any one thought or place to begin. “Your neighbor is nice.”  
  
“What do you want Cosima?”  
  
Delphine turned to face her, arms folded over her chest in a typical Delphine _protect yourself_ stance. Cosima couldn't say it was unexpected, but it stung nonetheless. “I know you're, like, hella angry and hurt and I don't blame you one bit, but I really just want to hold you right now.” With a sad chuckle she looked down at her hands to hide the quiver in her chin, absentmindedly picking at a hangnail.  
  
“I euh...came back early from the conference” Delphine began slowly, perching herself against the dining table to stop herself from running right into Cosima's arms. Cosima may have hurt her, but right now Cosima was hurting and all she wanted to do was take her pain away. “To surprise you,” she scoffed. “Looks like I was the one surprised.”  
  
“Delphine I didn't want her there. I didn't even know she was coming,” she explained as she poured every ounce of sincerity she could into her words. “I just agreed to hear her out.”  
  
“With your lips? Would you have told me she came if I didn't see her there myself?”  
  
Cosima sighed. This plan might not have been thought all the way through. Actually it wasn't thought through at all and it wasn't a plan. All she knew in the moment Shay told her Delphine saw them was that she had to get to Delphine. Cosima had always been impulsive. It seemed to be a family trait. Some sort of genetic predisposition to impulsive behavior, perhaps.  
  
This was one fundamental difference between her and Delphine. Delphine was a big picture kind of girl. People may not understand some of the decisions she made, but they were always made to work toward the same goal. More often than not it didn't make her very popular and left people questioning her motives, but she got results.  
  
Cosima lived in the here and now. She was impulsive and rash. Decisions were made based on what felt right at the moment or what made sense in her head. There was no big picture anymore. No point in wasting her energy thinking about what could happen when she wouldn't be around long enough to worry about it.  
  
But she was worried about _this_ big picture. She worried about Delphine and her death. She worried about how it would affect her and how she would cope. She worried about Delphine not being able to move past what she had just seen or Barcelona. She worried that the blonde wouldn't want anything further to do with her once she learned she was sick. She worried about how she was supposed to live the rest of her life without this amazing woman in it.  
  
“I'd like to say 'yes,'” Cosima sighed. “But honestly I don't know. I wanted to avoid exactly this kind of situation. Where you judged without giving me a chance to explain.”  
  
“Are you going back to her?”  
  
Cosima's face conveyed a look of genuine shock that honestly perplexed the doctor. She was sure Cosima would go back to her ex although why she wasn't sure. It wasn't as if Cosima talked about her or seemed to be harboring any left over feelings for the other woman. Cosima seemed so happy whenever they were together. There really was no reason for her to think Cosima would want to get back with her ex. Come to think of it, she hadn't stayed long enough to see if Cosima even kissed her back.  
  
Cosima shook her head. “That is the last thing I want.”  
  
Delphine's shoulders visibly fell as she realized Cosima was right. Cosima needed to explain. You can't judge a book by its cover. Most of her own life had taught her that. Things were rarely all that they seemed. “You're right.” Grabbing a bottle of wine from the kitchen and two glasses, Delphine tilted her head toward the living room for Cosima to follow and poured two very full glasses. With a long sip she handed Cosima a glass and motioned for her to sit.  
  
Cosima followed suit, taking a long drink before beginning. “I didn't kiss her back, for the record. I know I have a shit way of showing it, but I don't want to kiss anyone but you.”  
  
Delphine swallowed back a scoff with more wine. Some Frenchwoman in Barcelona, Shay...yeah, that really showed Cosima only wanted to kiss her, but she held her tongue and listened. This Shay deal was a separate issue. Cosima promised to tell her everything about why she left, so Delphine would hold on until then. “I know you and I weren't together, but I loved you. And to see that...”  
  
“Wait, you _loved_ me or you _love_ me? Because that makes a big difference to how I'm gonna play this.” The flame of hope within Cosima flickered, waiting for the blonde's response.  
  
“Because this is all a game to you, hmm?” Delphine snapped.  
  
“That is _not_ what I said.” Cosima defended, looking deep into Delphine's eyes. Not that she expected her to, but Delphine really wasn't making this easy. “I had no idea Shay was coming. I don't even know how she got my address. When she saw you in the window she kissed me as some sort of attempt to make you leave, mark her territory...I don't know, but I'm not hers Delphine. Not even close. I...” She took a deep breath. Even in the few short days since Barcelona and her sisters telling her it was the right thing to do and all of her thoughts convincing her to let Delphine in, it was still hard. It was opening herself up in a way she had never done with anyone other than her family. After so long telling herself that staying away was what was best for Delphine, she felt selfish in telling her the truth. “I want to be yours.”  
  
With a deep breath and a few long sips of wine, Cosima prepared to lay it all on the line. “I wasn't expecting any of this – with you. I was just supposed to have some fun between traveling. It was never supposed to turn into anything, but then I met you and...” With the shake of her head Cosima stood up and put some distance between them, trying desperately to wipe the tears before Delphine noticed.  
  
The blonde noticed, of course.  
  
“...and God dammit if you aren't absolutely amazing and everything I've ever wanted, but it was never supposed to turn into this and I was never supposed to need to have this conversation.”  
  
Delphine tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it was firmly lodged as was the pit rapidly forming at the bottom of her stomach. Something was horribly wrong and she could feel it. “What conversation?” She asked, knowing full well she probably didn't want to know.  
  
“I want to grow old with you, Delphine. I know it hasn't been very long, but I know deep in my soul that that's what I want, but I can't. There is no growing old for me. This is it. At best I'm lucky if I have another year left.”  
  
Delphine's breath caught in her throat. She heard Cosima's words, but she couldn't absorb them, couldn't understand. “Quoi?”  
  
“I am so sorry I didn't tell you, but this was never supposed to happen. It was supposed to be some fun between trips that way no one would get attached, no one would get hurt. I wasn't expecting you. I thought ending things would be easier for you. I thought if you hated me then at least you would be able to move on.” She turned around to face Delphine again. “But this is killing me because I am _so_ in love with you.” Cosima's voice broke as the dam she had been trying so hard to keep up finally burst and tears streamed down her face. “But I'm sick Delphine.”  
  
All Delphine could do was stare at the woman before her as a single tear slid down her cheek. Stare into the eyes of this wonderful woman. This woman who had fucked up, royally, but that she was madly in love with. This woman who was soft touches, electrifying kisses, laughter, love, light and happiness. This woman who was sick and judging by her face, not with the common cold. Her brain was on overdrive without the ability to settle. The silence stretched between them and Delphine continued to stare.  
  
Where the hell do you start after that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations  
> “Elle a mon Cœur.” (She has my heart.)  
> “Quoi?” (What?)


	21. Of Wanting and of Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this is the chapter everyone has been waiting for :) Seriously guys, thank you so much for leaving kudos and reviews. Makes my day reading what you guys think and knowing people are enjoying this!

****Cosima sat alone on her bed pressing the home button on her cell phone for the thousandth time, checking for a text or missed call and making sure the battery hadn't died in the five seconds since she last checked. No change. It had been a couple of hours now and little by little her hope was fading.  
  
Cosima thought she had made peace with dying. It was happening so no point in hiding from it. Everyone died sometime, but with Delphine everything was different. With Delphine, Cosima wasn't at peace with anything. If Delphine rejected her, would she be at peace with dying again? Would she fight if Delphine still wanted to be with her? Was she the deciding factor in whether Cosima would fight to live or accept her death?  
  
There were other people who needed her outside of Delphine. Her mother, Siobhan, Felix, her sisters. Before she met Delphine, Cosima was planning to die knowing they all needed her, but now she stopped thinking of herself and thought about what her death would do to them. With or without Delphine they still needed her.  
  
Delphine didn't say anything or move a muscle for twenty minutes after she told her she was dying so at that point Cosima left. Her part was done. Delphine knew the truth and could make her own decision with all the facts. Cosima just wasn't sure if she was strong enough to wait around and find out what that decision was.

* * *

Delphine returned home, grabbed the new pack of cigarettes from her bag and another bottle of wine, and resumed her position on the couch. At this point she didn't even bother with a glass and drank straight from the bottle. After a few gulps she set it down and lit a cigarette. She had been right about one thing. That one pack hadn't been enough.  
  
“How did I not see it?” She asked into the void. The _vitamins_ , the fatigue, the secrets, the far off look that came over Cosima's face sometimes, the fear in her eyes, how she changed the subject when things got too real, her refusal to admit her feelings or even entertain the idea of a relationship, the constant texts and phone calls from her sisters, Sarah's watchdog behavior, this _sabbatical_ when she was so close to finishing her PhD, her crying out in her sleep, the scars on her chest she never explained, her need to photograph everything...it all made sense.  
  
“ _It's a rare autoimmune disease. Unclassified. It affects my lungs, mostly. Before I had treatment in San Francisco it was also in my trachea. There was a bone marrow transplant, chemo, radiation...the works. There are these mysterious growths no one can figure out. I was in the hospital for five months before I decided to stop treatment.”_  
  
Delphine ignored the tears and lit another cigarette.  
  
Romantic relationships were never anything she put much value in. For all intents and purposes she was married to science. Med school, her PhD, working at one of the leading scientific corporations in the world...that was her life. There was little time for much else. More often than not catching up on sleep _far_ outweighed the time and effort it took to go out and meet someone. Of course Delphine had lovers, the blonde was French after all, but it rarely went beyond sex.  
  
Delphine figured she just wasn't the relationship type. There had been men and women, but all it was ever about was the release. No one touched her soul. No one made her want to stay up late just to talk a little while longer. No one gave her butterflies with a simple smell of their perfume. No one made her heart beat the way Cosima did. That was why it never worked with anyone. It wasn't because Delphine wasn't the type for relationships or because she disliked intimacy. It was because none of them were the cheeky brunette.  
  
The cigarette fell to the ash tray and Delphine replaced it with wine. It had been a few hours that she had been sitting there, with the exception of a quick cigarette run. It would have been better if Cosima was just a frigid bitch who didn't return her feelings. Anything would be better than this. Delphine came across many people in her lifetime from all walks of life and circumstances, so it was with great confidence that she knew Cosima was one of the best people alive. Cosima was kind and humble and sassy and considerate and caring and brilliant and beautiful and so fundamentally . . . Cosima.  
  
Cosima understood people in a way Delphine never could. There was never any judgement. Cosima never made people feel they were less than her. She was friendly with everyone until they gave her a reason not to be. The glass was always half full with her, the world this amazing place just waiting to be explored. In a way the brunette reminded Delphine of a child - eyes and heart full of wonder. There was an innocence to her that life and her illness hadn't managed to take away.  
  
“Why her?”  
  
There was no going back from this. No one ever made her feel the way Cosima did before she came along and no one would ever make her feel this way after. Italy didn't matter, Barcelona didn't matter, Shay didn't matter, this disease didn't matter. Well, it did. It was heartbreaking and unfair and terrifying, but it didn't change anything. It didn't change what she felt in her heart.  
  
Cosima definitely went about it all wrong and she lied to Delphine for months, but Delphine could understand why. It made perfect sense now. Why Cosima seemed so guarded sometimes. Cosima thought she was protecting her. Sick or not there was no one Delphine wanted to be with more.  
  
Cosima was . . . unlike anyone Delphine had ever met. There was something about her. Something Delphine had been trying to identify for months, but couldn't find the words for. As a scientist that irked her. Things were meant to be classified, even feelings. There was a connection between them that was just there. From before she knew the tiny brunette. The moment she saw her-no, she couldn't even say it was from the moment she saw her it was more like the moment she felt her in that club. Call it fate or soulmates or some kind of meant to be situation she never believed in before the petite brunette entered her life. Whatever it was, it was everything.  
  
Cosima gave Delphine so much without even knowing. Gave her a reason to smile, gave her a purpose, gave her something to think about other than her work and she wanted so much more with her. A year wasn't nearly enough time. Delphine wanted to take her to France, have more family dinners, actually get to experience what it meant to be Cosima's girlfriend, be her wife, make her the mother to her children she never thought about before. So, so many things that required much more than a year.  
  
She needed more information. She was a doctor, a scientist. She could help. Autoimmune diseases were her specialty. There were very high standards and strict criteria for someone to make it onto her team and, as such, they were given the most difficult cases in North America, sometimes in the world. They did amazing things, saved lives!  
  
Grabbing her bag off the table Delphine left her apartment again. They could do amazing things for Cosima too.  
  
It didn't take as much thought on her part as she thought it would. Hell, she had spent months and months deciding which schools to go to and which job offers to accept. Every major life decision had taken hours and hours of careful thought, research, calculations, pro/con lists, you name it. What she felt in her heart had only equated for a small part of what she considered, but this time it was the only thing Delphine considered. Cosima for only a year was better than no Cosima, but she would not let that happen. Every disease had a cure. There was a cure for this and Delphine would find it. She only wished she knew this months ago and all this time hadn't been wasted.  
  
If only she had snapped out of it sooner and not let Cosima leave. The thoughts Cosima must be having right now she couldn't even begin to understand, but she had been frozen. It took a while before Cosima's words truly hit her and then she went numb. She went through the five stages of grief sitting there on her couch clutching a wine bottle like a lifeline.  
  
There was no way Cosima, her Cosima, was sick. Someone must have gotten the results wrong or read them wrong or gave them to the wrong person. It wasn't possible for her to have just found her happiness and for Cosima to just be beginning her life, for it all to be snatched away. Maybe Cosima changed her mind again and was making up some excuse to get rid of her. _Denial_  
  
“C'est des conneries!” Never before she met the cheeky woman had she put so much belief in the universe or the notion that certain things were meant to be and for this very reason. What universe would put her and Cosima together just to rip them apart? How could someone so pure and beautiful have her life taken away like this? It wasn't right! With one last gulp she finished the wine and threw the bottle against the wall, watching as glass and red trailed down the wall. That would stain, but did it matter? Did anything matter anymore? _Anger_  
  
Why Cosima? Why her? Why not someone with a heart black and cold as stone? A murderer or a rapist? Why did they get to live and someone so good and full of life, such a genuinely good person, had to die? Delphine wasn't nearly as good of a person as her brunette. “Take me,” she prayed to a God she long ago stopped believing in. She had no one. Her parents rarely contacted her, she had no other family she was close to, no friends. Cosima had sisters who needed her, she had a mother, nieces and a nephew, she had a family. People needed her. No one needed Delphine. “Qu'on me prenne moi mais pas elle!” _Bargaining_  
  
What would she do without Cosima? Cosima loved her. Cosima wanted to be with her. To know a love like hers was to be ruined for anyone else for the rest of her life and Delphine wanted no one more, but she was sick. With tears streaming down her face she curled into the fetal position on the couch, clutched a pillow to her face and screamed until she couldn't breathe. Then she cried. For at least an hour she let all of her emotions out. This kind of pain was like nothing Delphine ever felt. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything she believed in, everything she was, meant nothing. Everything hurt. Her chest, her arms, her head. She told herself long ago she would never think like this again, but a world without Cosima was a world Delphine didn't want to be a part of. _Depression_  
  
Cosima was sick. Her love, her life, her light . . . was dying. It was unbelievably complicated and nothing Delphine ever anticipated for herself, but the answer was so beautifully uncomplicated. Cosima was the love of her life. There was nothing more she wanted than for her little brunette to live a long and happy life. Preferably with her, but the point was she wanted Cosima to _live_. _Acceptance_  
  
While she accepted that Cosima was sick, she did not accept that she had to die.  
  
Delphine had a record at DYAD. With her colleagues they were hailed as some sort of _dream team._ Their loss record was damn impressive given the cases they worked on, but for every patient lost Delphine didn't see it as they _only_ lost one patient. To her, they lost a patient. Still, they saved so many.  
  
Reaching her car, Delphine was on the gas before the door closed, tires screeching on the smooth cement as she peeled out of the garage. Only when her car was out of the garage and she realized it was pitch black and pouring did she slow down and take a deep breath.  
  
Even in the pouring rain, when she got to Cosima's and parked around back in the spot reserved for her townhouse, Delphine got out of the car and smoked the last cigarette in the pack. Her last maybe forever. If Cosima had masses in her lungs she couldn't be smoking and further compromising and irritating her respiratory tract. It calmed her nerves, if only for a moment. No amount of nicotine would help with the situation.  
  
Tomorrow she would quit. She would get patches and gum and whatever she needed. Hell, she would try hypnosis even though she didn’t believe in it. Having smoked for half her life, she knew she didn't have the willpower to go cold turkey, but for Cosima's sake she needed to stop. And she would. After this last one.  
  
Slowly she walked up to Cosima's front door and, thinking against using her key, knocked lightly. Cosima's bedroom light flickered on immediately followed shortly by the living room light and then the door was open.  
  
“Jesus Delphine. Did you walk here?” Cosima quickly pulled her inside out of the rain. “You're soaking wet. You uh...you still have clothes upstairs if you want to change?”  
  
Delphine nodded weakly leaving her shoes, her now ruined shoes, by the door and taking Cosima's hand, leading her up to the bedroom. “I'm just going to...” She gestured to the bathroom after pulling out a pair of grey lounge pants from a drawer and an old t-shirt of Cosima's she loved.  
  
“Yeah, sure.” Cosima smiled nervously from the doorframe, rubbing her eyes. “I'll be here.” The doctor in Delphine wouldn't be able to resist the challenge of her illness, but it was Delphine the woman she was hoping to attract. The t-shirt gave her hope. Sitting nervously on the edge of the bed, Cosima waited.  
  
Delphine dried herself off as best she could with the cream colored towel that hung on _her_ hook behind the door. She was freezing. A shower would have been preferable, but she grabbed the hoodie on top of the laundry basket and inhaled deeply; the smell of Cosima filling her with a warmth in ways a shower never could.  
  
Cosima seemed so small looking up at Delphine with tears in her eyes. “I'm so sorry.” Delphine was at her side in an instant, gathering Cosima as tightly in her arms as she could, whispering soft French words and running her hair through thick, dark waves. “God Delphine I was so stupid … we fit.”  
  
Delphine nodded sadly, ignoring the tears streaming down her own cheeks. “We do.”  
  
“I had this dream once.” Cosima began with a sniffle, clinging to Delphine for dear life. “Of you. Of a life we could have. And it was _so_ beautiful Delphine. There was this little girl with your curls and we were _so_ happy. But I woke up.” Her voice broke and she had to sit up and look away – at the ceiling, the floor, the wall, anything but the woman beside her. “And this is my life. I remembered we could never have that no matter how badly I wanted it...and it broke me. Having a life without my father broke my mother, having a life without her husband broke Siobhan and I don't want any of that for you Delphine.”  
  
Delphine's mouth opened and closed as she took Cosima in. It had been there all along, the pain behind her eyes. Delphine saw it a couple of times, but Cosima would throw her a wink or some cheeky comment and she would forget about it. But it was always there.  
  
“I'm scared Delphine. This thing is killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm completely helpless,” she cried. It was months that she had been lying to Delphine. Not lying exactly, but omitting huge, important truths, so all she wanted to do now was come clean about everything. With every truth the pit of lies in her stomach lessened. “I made the decision to stop treatment. That's why I moved here, but you're a doctor and an immunologist so I know that no matter what I say you're going to try to cure me and when you can't it's going to destroy you.” Her voice broke again. “And I didn't . . . I don't,” she corrected. “Want that for you. I don't want any of this for you.”  
  
Taking a deep breath, Cosima messily wiped her face and turned to Delphine with a sad smile. “But at the same time you make me so _stupidly_ happy that there is nothing more I want to do then spend the rest of whatever time I have left with you.” Another deep breath. “And that just makes me feel selfish.”  
  
Delphine reached out to Cosima to offer some sort of comfort, to tell her it would be okay, that she would get her through this, but Cosima stood up and put some distance between them. There was so much she needed to explain before she was ready to hear whatever Delphine came here to say. She promised to tell Delphine everything.  
  
“I fought this so hard, but I couldn't stay away and there was just something that made me...need you. I couldn't help falling in love with you. Believe me, I tried,” she chuckled sadly. “You make me want...so much. Things I stopped letting myself want a long time ago. I don't know when. Maybe it took Shay coming back, I don't know, but I realized that I don't just want these things.” Turning around to finally face Delphine, she offered the blonde a sad, toothy smile. “I want them with you.”  
  
After just a second she dropped her eyes and paced further away. “My story doesn't have a happy ending...but yours should. That's why I did this.” Feeling much lighter with everything finally off her chest, Cosima's arms were freely flying around as she spoke again. “But I also realized that there are two of us in this and it's not just up to me. If someone took away my voice and made this kind of a decision for me I would be pissed. You deserve just as much of a say in this as I do. Shay promised to be there for me through everything and she couldn't handle it. I know you're not her, but I'm just warning you that it's not going to be fun.” Taking a deep breath Cosima turned back toward Delphine who still sat in the same spot on the edge of her bed. The only difference were the fresh tears streaming down her face. A familiar tickle started low in her chest and, despite taking some deep breaths and hoping it would pass, it didn't. Cosima quickly reached for a tissue to cover her mouth, but she wasn't quick enough. Delphine saw the blood. “I guess the ball's kinda in your court.”  
  
Delphine didn't say anything. It was still too much for her to take in so she just stared ahead at Cosima as if her looking away would make her disappear. Her eyes darted from Cosima's eyes to her lips to the bloody tissue in her hand.  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima nodded slowly. “I also really never wanted to see that look on your face.”  
  
Snapping out of it, Delphine looked down at the floor for a minute before pushing off the bed and closing the distance between them. “Kiss me.” It was with a need far beyond anything she could articulate that she just needed to feel Cosima.  
  
The moment their lips touched it felt like coming home. Like wrapping up in your favorite blanket at the end of a long day. Those feelings of warmth and comfort and peace. It was everything. Anytime they came together it always was, but this was more than that.  
  
“I asked you a question in Italy.” Delphine said quietly when they finally broke for air, resting her forehead against Cosima's.  
  
“ _I need more Cosima. More of you. I want you to be my girlfriend...”_  
  
Cosima smirked playfully. “I don't recall it actually being posed as a question.”  
  
Delphine laughed. A real, happy laugh it felt like it had been ages since she hears come from herself, and quickly wiped her face on her sleeve. “You are such a brat.”  
  
“So I've been told.” Cosima's eyes lit up with her smile. “But you love me.”  
  
“C'est vrai.” Delphine's smile fell and she placed an ardent kiss on Cosima's lips. “Cosima, I will do everything in my power to find a cure for you. Tomorrow I am taking you to DYAD and we will get your records from your doctors in California and we will-”  
  
“Yes.” Cosima blurted out, stopping Delphine mid-sentence.  
  
Delphine paused a minute. “Yes what?” When she was this focused on something it wasn't easy for her brain to switch gears so quickly.  
  
“Yes I will be your girlfriend.” Cosima smiled. “But I have one condition.”  
  
Delphine's relief could be physically felt. With a smile of her own she grabbed Cosima's face in her hands and brought their lips together again and again and again. “Anything.”  
  
Cosima wanted so much with Delphine. Wanted to wake up to golden curls on her pillow. Wanted to go to sleep wrapped in her arms. She wanted steamy fights and even steamier make-ups. Delphine made her want, but that didn't make her dangerous anymore. It made her everything because she made Cosima want to live. She made her want to fight.  
  
It didn't seem scary anymore, imagining a future with countless doctors, tests and treatments. Even imagining months spent confined to a hospital bed because she knew Delphine would be there. Delphine wouldn't let her suffer, wouldn't let her waste away.  
  
What seemed scary now was a future of nothing. No future. Imagining her sisters, her mother, Delphine, all grieving her loss. Imagining all these lives of which she was an intimate part of, going on without her. Her nieces and nephew growing into the amazing people she knew they would be, maybe getting more nieces and nephews, finally watching Beth cut that asshole boyfriend of hers loose, Cal making an honest woman out of Sarah, someone recognizing Felix for the brilliant artist he was, Helena finally finding her happiness, going back to school and finishing her PhD and becoming the great scientist she always dreamed of. How did she ever think she could give any of that up?  
  
And if it didn't work and she died anyway, at least she could say she tried. Delphine would take care of her. The pain wouldn't be like it was before. Nothing would be like it was before. Maybe Shay leaving had more of an effect on her than she knew. Maybe her leaving was part of the reason Cosima gave up, but now she had reasons to fight. It’s surprising what can be learned about oneself in the process of dying. You see through all the unimportant bullshit and find what truly matters.  
  
She was wrong before. The selfish part wasn't telling Delphine about her disease. The selfish part was preparing to die. Cosima was an important part of so many lives and, while they tried their best to support her decision, none of them agreed with it.  
  
Who knew what was going to happen when she finished her PhD. Maybe she would partner up with Delphine and work on curing rare diseases or maybe she would do that somewhere else, but she could save lives. It was possible. If she lived.  
  
She and Delphine were pushed together for a reason. Cosima believed with every fiber of her being that it was so Delphine could cure her. So that they would fall in love and live happily _ever_ after.  
  
It was surprisingly easy making the decision to live. Much easier than deciding to die. After spending months justifying and defending and coming to terms with her decision, Cosima anticipated this being more difficult, but it wasn't. One look into warm amber eyes and it was done.  
  
“Help me beat this thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations  
> “C'est des conneries!” (This is bullshit!)  
> “Qu'on me prenne moi mais pas elle!” (Take me instead LIT. Someone/anyone/something/anything take but not her!)  
> “C'est vrai.” (That is true.)


	22. Living

The smile that radiated off of Delphine's entire being was enough to make Cosima one-hundred percent sure of her decision. “Really?”  
  
Cosima nodded, a few tears escaping that Delphine immediately wiped away, her hand lingering on Cosima's cheek. This was about so much more than just her. Over the past few months, over the course of _living_ , Cosima realized her disease and her death were about so much more. Maybe it was because the memories and feelings of everything she went through in the hospital faded or because she wasn't as depressed as she was when she was hooked up to IVs and chest tubes and various other lines and dealing with her girlfriend’s sudden departure. Or maybe it was because while she was _living_ she was reminded she had things to live for. She shouldn't be happy with just spending few months traveling the world. That wasn't living.  
  
Living was being there for her nieces' and nephew's sweet sixteens and graduations and weddings. Living was being there to suffer through every one of Alison's obnoxious musicals. Living was staying alive to _finally_ see someone tie the wild one down. Living was watching Helena become the mother she'd always wanted to be. Living was being there when Beth found someone who really made her eyes sparkle. Living was over exaggerated eye rolls and groans as their kids come down for breakfast and she and Delphine are locked in a passionate kiss in front of the burning eggs on the stove. Living was all of them.  
  
“You stopped treatment. I thought you didn't want-”  
  
“I didn't.” Cosima interrupted quickly with a kiss. “But I can't leave you Delphine. I want-I need, more time with you.”  
  
Delphine silenced her girlfriend, _oh Seigneur elle est réellement ma petite amie_ , with a kiss full of love, passion and hope. During the drive over she had come up with many persuasive arguments to convince Cosima to begin treatment again. _'For science.' 'For your sisters.' 'For me.'_ This was much easier than she expected.  
  
“I've always believed in love at first sight.” Cosima began, taking Delphine's hands in her own. “But you made me believe in love at second sight. And third and fourth and fifth and every sight because I fall in love with you all over again every time I see you. There's no way I can leave that.”  
  
In the middle of a downpour, in the middle of the night, Cosima and Delphine made promise after promise to one another. Their bodies writhed in ecstasy as they promised to fight, their eyes locked together as they promised they would be there, they would stay. Every caress, every kiss, every beat of their hearts was a promise and a declaration of love; carving out spaces in their hearts and binding them together for eternity no matter what happened.  
  
The sun was just beginning to rise when they finally pulled the blanket up over their exhausted bodies.  
  
Delphine placed a tender kiss to the side of Cosima's forehead as she gently stroked the arm across her stomach. “You said you only just started showing symptoms again recently. How recently?” Now that everything had been discussed and Cosima agreed to treatment Delphine slipped right into doctor mode.  
  
Cosima took a breath and snuggled deeper into Delphine's arms. “I started coughing up blood again yesterday. Wait, no it's Monday now, so Saturday? When I got home. I thought maybe I'd just been doing too much, pushing my body too hard with all these trips, but all Saturday I did little else beside sit around and most of yesterday too and it hasn't stopped, so...”  
  
Delphine nodded, making mental notes. “What kind of treatments did they do? If you were that sick and then you stopped showing symptoms something had to have worked.”  
  
“Yeah,” Cosima nodded. “Some experimental stem cell treatment, a bone marrow transplant, chemo, radiation, you name it.” Pushing herself up onto her elbow she turned to Delphine and brushed a few stray curls from her face. “I understand if this is too much for you. You didn't sign up for this.”  
  
Delphine shrugged, letting her hands trail up Cosima's toned arms. It was a physical need now to keep contact with the brunette. As if something terrible would happen if they weren't touching for even a second. Cosima made her believe she was her soulmate and Delphine would do any and everything in her power to save her. “Neither did you,” she said sadly.  
  
“No.” Cosima admitted with a sad smile. “But it's my reality. Not yours.”  
  
“It's _our_ reality now.” Delphine looked deep into hazel eyes, letting her hands gently cup Cosima's face. “I will never leave you.” With a smile she pulled Cosima down into a gentle, but passionate kiss. “Je t'aime.”  
  
“I love you too.” Cosima smiled brightly. “So freaking much.” After a few more light kisses, Cosima pulled away with a serious look on her face. “I just need to know. Do you want to cure me because I'm your _girlfriend_?” They both couldn't help but smile at the term. “Or because I'm valuable data on an unclassified disease?”  
  
“Cosima,” Delphine didn't judge Cosima for her question. The brunette, _her_ brunette, was extremely vulnerable right now. All her cards had been laid out on the table, opening herself up completely to Delphine. She needed assurance and Delphine would reassure her every minute of every day if she had to, but she would make sure Cosima knew where her heart resided. Not with the science or the medicine, but with Cosima. “I love you. I want you to live because you are this wonderfully amazing person and the world is better with you in it.” She smiled softly at the blush that rose over Cosima's cheeks. “You are the love of my life. My degrees just give me the knowledge to help and my job, the means, but I am doing it because I love you. I can't imagine a world without you in it.” The last part came out as a whisper as she reached up, tucking a stray curl behind Cosima's ear.  
  
Cosima smiled briefly before Delphine saw her chin began to quiver and she pulled her back down into her arms. “I'm dying Delphine.”  
  
“No.” Delphine shook her head and held Cosima tighter. “No you're not. I won't let you.”  
  
Cosima nodded, her tears soaking Delphine's skin. “Can we really do this?”  
  
Delphine wanted to say ‘ _yes’_ more than she ever wanted anything, but didn't want to lie. “I think we have a real chance,” she said instead, tilting Cosima's head up and kissing her softly. “Now sleep mon amour. I'm bringing you to DYAD later and we are going to start figuring this out.”

* * *

“Whoa . . . Dude,” Cosima breathed slowly as she looked around the lab. “This is incredible.”  
  
Delphine chuckled softly, remembering the first time she stepped into her lab. Everything had been brand new, the lab designed and created specifically for her; to her specifications and with all the equipment she asked for. It was three years later, but the equipment was upgraded every time a newer, better model came out. Everything was the absolute top of the line. “This is the lab that I work in with my lab partner, Scott.” she explained. “The rest of my team are in the labs a few doors down.”  
  
“Whoa.” Cosima's jaw was still hanging to the floor. “He's not going to mind me coveting his lab partner? I seem to recall him having a crush on you when we first met.”  
  
“Yes, well, you do not have to worry about him.”  
  
A chill ran up Cosima's spine. “Yeah, it's that boss of yours I have to worry about. When do I get to meet the good Dr. Leekie?”  
  
“Soon.” Delphine answered as she snapped on a pair of blue nitrile gloves and pulled some test tubes off a shelf. “I called him this morning and explained the situation. He is eager to have you work with us, Cosima.”  
  
“Yeah I'll bet.” Cosima scoffed. “Probably got off on thinking of the two of us together.”  
  
_“Non, non. It is autoimmune, but unclassified. In her lungs and, I suspect, her trachea again. I put a call in to her doctors in San Francisco I am just waiting for them to fax her records.” Delphine explained on the phone as she quietly closed the bedroom door behind her. Cosima was still asleep and needed all the rest she could get._  
  
_“Well, you have always wanted to be the first to discover a new disease.” The older man said on the other end of the line._  
  
_“It has already been discovered.”_  
  
_“Yes, but it hasn't been cured.”_  
  
"If it can even be cured.” Delphine said around the lump in her throat. It wasn't something she particularly wanted to think about, but it was a possibility. A very real possibility. As much as she tried not to think about it, she had been up most of the night with her mind running rampant with the thought that she could lose Cosima.  
  
“Well, even a long-term treatment would be something. Give this patient a chance.”  
  
_Delphine nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. “Anything for Cosima to live.”_  
  
_“Cosima?” The voice repeated and Delphine had to suppress a full body shiver. Her name didn't sound right coming from him. The tone, and the texture of the sounds on his tongue were all wrong. Cosima’s name required a warmer tone and softer tongue. “Is she one of the patient's in the files I sent you this morning?”_  
  
_"_ _No.”_  
  
_“Are you in the lab?”_  
  
_Delphine busied herself with the coffee maker and bit down on her lower lip. “Euh no. Not yet. I'll be going in later.”_  
  
_“Who is Cosima?”_  
  
_It wasn't that Delphine didn't want people to know about her and Cosima. On the contrary, she wanted everyone to know that this beautiful, smart, kind and funny woman was hers, but this was Leekie. Her boss, who still pushed past the professional boundaries she tried to cement in place. He wouldn't deny Delphine working on the case because she and the subject were involved. This disease was uncharted waters, something an egomaniac like her boss wouldn't be able to refuse. Another great treatment to come out of his office and reflect back on him. Delphine couldn't give a shit who got the credit as long as Cosima benefitted. “She is my girlfriend.” Leekie remained silent and Delphine could picture the look of shock on his face. Not that having a partner would stop him from still trying with her. Unfortunately. “And a fellow scientist. She is working on her PhD in Evolutionary Development at Berkeley.”_  
  
_"She's in California?”_  
  
_“She was.” Delphine explained, pouring herself a steaming cup of coffee and fixing it to her liking. Extra strong today. “She's taken some time off.”_  
  
_“Being this sick I would imagine so. . . Bring her into DYAD today. I'll get her set up as a short term employee, but her clearance will be restricted solely to this project.”_  
  
_The bag for Cosima's tea floated back to the top of the cup as Delphine crinkled her brow in confusion. “You want to offer her a job?”_  
  
_"I want to offer her the chance to study herself. Who better to work on her own disease than her? You said she is a scientist. Is she qualified enough for your team?”_  
  
_"Immensely.” Cosima lacked the lab experience she usually required, but her mind and dedication to finding a cure more than made up for it. As Leekie said, who better to work on Cosima’s disease than Cosima. No one would be more motivated except, of course, Delphine herself._  
  
_"Then it's settled.”_  
  
“Come.”  
  
Cosima groaned and stomped her foot, but sat down in the chair in front of Delphine. “I should probably tell you I hate needles.”  
  
“Yes, stomping your foot like a child may have given me that impression.” Rolling up Cosima's sleeve and wiping the crease in her elbow with an alcohol swab she offered her uncomfortable girlfriend a smile. “I will be gentle.” Cosima pouted. “And get you an eskimo pie on the way home.”  
  
Cosima smiled. The use of the word _home_ in reference to her place did not escape her. The needle hit her vein and she sucked a sharp breath of air in through her teeth. “Better make it two.”  
  
Delphine chuckled. “Bien sûr.”  
  
Cosima watched as Delphine filled vial after vial with her blood. Made sense now why Delphine insisted she eat such a big breakfast/lunch. Wanted to make sure she wouldn't pass out on her. “You are going to leave some in there for me right?”  
  
“Cheeky.” One last tube filled slowly with crimson and Delphine added it to the others, offering her girlfriend a kiss as she slowly withrew the needle. “All done. Pauvre petit chiot.”  
  
Cosima smiled, all thoughts of needles and blood loss far from her mind as she leaned in for another kiss. “You're the puppy.”  
  
“A bulldog, maybe, but definitely _not_ a puppy.”  
  
Cosima's eyes narrowed, immediately knowing who this trespasser was on their moment. Delphine took a breath and offered Cosima a small smile and a pat on the knee before turning to greet her boss. “Dr. Leekie. This is Cosima Niehaus.”  
  
“The woman of the hour.” Leekie offered his hand which Cosima, reluctantly, shook. “It's a pleasure. Just wish we were meeting under different circumstances. Delphine tells me you are a fellow scientist.”  
  
“Hopefully.” Cosima nodded. “You know, if we can cure me.”  
  
“Yes. I am sorry to hear about your disease, but here at the DYAD we really are the best equipped to help.”  
  
Cosima looked from her girlfriend to her new boss in disbelief that Delphine would have had any sort of _thing_ with this man. Was this Delphine's type? Was she attracted to the man himself, or his mind? Cosima hoped to the highest platform she could hope that it was the latter. Either way it made her skin crawl.  
  
“This is an employment contract.”  
  
Cosima took the packet with a raised brow. “You want me to work for you?”  
  
“I want you to work to your disease. You are the science, Cosima. I did a little digging after Delphine called this morning.” Cosima resisted the urge to vomit every time he said Delphine's name. Delphine was a doctor. In the workplace she should be addressed as Dr. Cormier, as Leekie definitely well knew, but he wanted to show off their familiarity. Cosima smirked. He could show off whatever he wanted, but she was the one who got to see Delphine naked every night. She was the one who got to run her tongue over every inch of her skin and feel her body writhing beneath her. No way he could have ever made her body writhe the way she did. His voice pulled her out of her daydream. “-a very promising future ahead of you. This is the best place for you right now.”  
  
Cosima nodded as she fingered through the contract. No doubt the only reason he wanted to lock her into a contract was for the confidentiality agreement she would be forced to sign. So that whatever breakthroughs they made in this disease, whether treatments or a cure, would belong to DYAD. Cosima Niehaus was no fool, but her thoughts reflected Delphine's on this. She didn't care who got the credit as long as she lived.  
  
After a short, whispered conversation with Delphine, Leekie took his leave. “Really Delphine? You slept with him? Willingly?” In general Cosima couldn't care less who someone slept with before her, but there was just something about that guy that made her skin crawl and imagining his old, wrinkled hand running against Delphine's smooth, firm body was physically nauseating.  
  
“I'm not proud of it, but his mind...I was too ambitious.” Delphine explained with a regretful sigh. “I wanted to get out of France. I had these big dreams of who I wanted to be and I wanted to get there without spending years being forced to prove I was smart enough. Just because I look like this people assume I don't have two brain cells to rub together. No one took me seriously.”  
  
“Did it work?” Cosima asked. There was no judgement this time. She knew how hard it was to get ahead in such a male dominated field. Without ever having been in Delphine's position she couldn't judge the other woman for the choices she made. The past was the past anyway.  
  
Delphine looked away from her girlfriend with a look of guilt, shame and sadness. “Yes. But then I spent the next few years repairing my reputation once people found out. Not sure it was a better alternative.” Delphine took the contract from Cosima and set it down to take her face in her hands. “He could never come close to you chérie. If that's what you are worried about.”  
  
“I wasn't.” Cosima began, stepping out of the blonde's reach. “But I sure as shit am now.”  
  
“What he and I had was never a romantic relationship. We used each other.”  
  
Cosima swallowed thickly. Any moment now she would actually vomit. Delphine took Cosima back in her arms. “I love you.” Gently she traced Cosima's jawline with her finger, resting her hand on the side of Cosima's neck. “You are the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with,” she whispered, resting their foreheads together.  
  
Cosima grimaced and pulled away, and Delphine immediately regretted her choice of words. “Or just the rest of mine.” Cosima sighed, but looked back at her girlfriend’s fallen face and felt a pang of guilt shoot through her. Delphine had only just been told of her disease. She didn’t know how to deal with the reality of it or that she had to censor her words sometimes. Sadly she would learn, but it wasn’t her fault she didn’t know any of that yet. “Shit, I'm sorry. That was really sweet and romantic and I know you didn't-”  
  
“Don't apologize. I know none of this is easy for you.”  
  
“No, but that doesn't mean I can be an asshole to you.”  
  
Delphine smiled sadly. “I understand. Even if you are an asshole, you're my asshole.”  
  
Cosima laughed. “God you're whipped.”

* * *

“I feel like a freaking pin cushion.”  
  
“Mon chiot.” Delphine cooed as she helped Cosima sit down on the couch. After hours of testing, including a very long and detailed MRI, ultrasounds, PET scan, pulmonary function tests - spirometry, gas diffusion, body plethysmography, inhalation challenge and an exercise stress test and even more bloodwork, Cosima was rightfully exhausted. With a sweet kiss to her cheek, Delphine handed over two eskimo pies and chuckled at how Cosima's face lit up. “Who knew all it took was some ice cream.”  
  
“Hey!” Cosima protested after her retreating form. “Not just any ice cream. I'm a lady.”  
  
Delphine stashed the rest of the ice cream in the freezer and grabbed the pile of take-out menus from the drawer beside the stove. “Are you sure you're up to this tonight? We can have everyone over for dinner tomorrow and I can plan a meal.”  
  
“No no no.” Cosima shook her head and waved her hands around while reaching for the menus. “They should know. If this was any one of them I would want to know immediately. I just said no kids so Donnie is staying home with all of them. I don't want to get their hopes up. They don't . . . understand, you know?”  
  
Delphine looked down at Cosima perusing the menus with a smile on her face.  
  
“How about Thai? I'm pretty sure all of them like that.” When she didn't get a response she looked up. “What are you smiling at?”  
  
Delphine shook her head. It hadn't been that long, but it still hadn't quite sunk in yet. Cosima was so amazing to her in everything she did. Even right now how she was so considerate of her family and her nieces’ and nephew's feelings. Delphine could tell all the secrecy and the disease had been weighing heavily on Cosima by how much lighter she seemed now. It was a combination of things, she was sure. Not keeping it a secret any longer, finally having hope to live, realizing all of these things she wanted to see and do she didn't have to give up, finally admitting her feelings and them being together – okay, so Delphine didn’t know for sure, but she hoped the last one was true. Cosima was still dying, but she seemed so happy. Every single quality Delphine ever wanted in a person Cosima possessed and then some. There would be no rest until Cosima was well.  
  
There was no way to put everything she was feeling into words so she settled for cuddling up against the brunette on the couch. Seeming to understand, Cosima laid her head on Delphine's and just let them enjoy the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> oh Seigneur elle est réellement ma petite amie (oh Lord she's actually my girlfriend)


	23. Show, Don't Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was writing this chapter just before 5x05 aired (and had NO idea all the Cophine loveliness that that episode would have) and I wanted some happy, domestic Cophine! Also haven't had a good sex scene for a while, so viola (and, warnings for that, if that’s not your thing). Actually it's only been 6 chapters, but still. The song Siobhan's singing is one from Maria Doyle Kennedy, Stuck. She sings it in 3x09 when she, Sarah and Felix went to London, but I used her original lyrics here not the edited version they used in the episode.

As fate would have it, the newly committed couple fell asleep on the couch cuddled up with one another. Cosima first, which left Delphine able to make an executive decision and call Beth to reschedule dinner.   
  
Unsurprisingly Delphine woke long before Cosima. She used the time to check those of Cosima's test results that were back, a perk to her job was that there was always someone on hand to process results and run labs twenty-four hours a day. They dealt with extreme cases that required immediate attention so results were usually back pretty quickly, especially for her team.  
  
Cosima's numbers were alarming, to say the least. Gone was the hope that this was all a _relatively simple_ fix. They needed to start treatment immediately, but what? Unfortunately her suspicions were right. MRI showed too many masses in Cosima's lungs to even begin to count, as well as in her trachea, larynx and diaphragm. It was all Delphine could do not to start bawling right there.  
  
With every page she clicked on, every image she viewed, every number she read, her hope that they could cure this dwindled. This disease, whatever it was, would be hard enough to cure in someone who just started presenting symptoms and was much healthier, but Cosima was very sick and it was quickly invading her entire respiratory system. Delphine honestly didn't know if they had enough time.  
  
Cosima coughed in her sleep and Delphine's blood ran cold. With a quick email to Scott and the rest of her team informing them of this new case, she was sure to adequately describe just how important it was. It would be given the highest priority. They didn't have any big projects at the moment. Just a couple of old vaccines currently being trialed with new formulations, but everything else was to be put on the back burner.  
  
She had to stay strong for Cosima. Crying and losing it wouldn't do her any good. All of that emotion had to be channelled into the science. Science was the only thing that could save her. Science Delphine could do. Focusing on the science and the medicine, she could do. Thinking about the reality of the situation her girlfriend was in was not.  
  
Before Cosima she had never accepted such a thing as soulmates. To her scientific mind the thought that there was one person out there for everyone wasn't plausible. But then there was Cosima and she opened Delphine up to so many things. With Cosima Delphine felt alive. She felt whole and complete and safe and happy and loved in ways she never knew that she needed. Ways she never thought possible. With Cosima she felt anything was possible. Without knowing she had done it, Cosima taught Delphine the meaning of true love. Delphine was sure Cosima was her soulmate and to think of the possibility that she would have to spend the rest of her life without her was too much for the blonde to bare. If she thought too much about it she couldn't breathe.  
  
“Hey Babe.”  
  
Delphine shut her laptop and turned to her groggy girlfriend. Truthfully she never understood the pet name _'Babe,'_   but coming from Cosima, Delphine never wanted to be called anything else. A warmth spread from her heart all the way to her fingertips and her toes. “Are you hungry?” She asked, noticing the time.  
  
Cosima stretched out like a cat with her arms way up over her head, slowly moving her body as she stretched from her neck down to her toes. “No,” she croaked out before coughs wracked her body.  
  
Delphine was at her side in an instant with a tissue that quickly turned crimson. As a doctor and a scientist she was embarrassed to have to look away.  
  
Cosima threw the tissue out quickly with an apologetic smile. “Sorry. That's going to happen a lot.”  
  
“Non, non.” Delphine shook her head. _Sois courageuse. Sois courageuse. Sois courageuse_. “I am here for you Cosima, no matter what. I know Shay promised you the same, but I promise you I am not like her.” Looking down Delphine grabbed for Cosima's hand, entwining their fingers. She couldn't begin to put into words what she felt with that simple act. Just holding Cosima's hand. It wasn't anything special. Mothers do it with their young children, doctors do it with their patients, she had even held hands with her own friends on occasion, but with Cosima it was so much more. She felt tingly all over.  
  
Cosima smiled and melted into Delphine's arms. “I know. You are so much more than she will ever be and for that I am thankful to my disease.” With a smile she pulled away and brought their lips together to show every ounce of emotion she was feeling. “Without it I never would have met you.”  
  
Delphine blinked at her love, but didn't know what to say so she brought her back in for another kiss. While she was infinitely grateful for having met Cosima and being given this chance to love her and be loved by her, Cosima would have been better off never getting sick in the first place. Even if that meant them never meeting. Even if it meant she never knew Cosima's love. It was yet another thing about the brunette that was hard to explain. Before her, Delphine had never known a love like this. A love so all-encompassing and soul consuming. She felt Cosima in the ends of her hair and the tips of her fingers.  
  
Even if they never met she would know something was missing. Delphine had always felt something was missing, but chalked it up to her just not being one for relationships or intimacy, but now . . . now she realized it was Cosima who was missing. Every single thing about the cheeky little brunette- _her_ cheeky little brunette.  
  
She didn't know she was crying until she felt a warm hand on her cheek gently wiping the salty tracks away. “I know it's tough.”  
  
Delphine smiled and nodded. There would probably be a LOT of tears to come, but it would only make them fight harder. “So, what am I making for dinner tonight?” She asked, changing the topic. It would consume their lives enough without dwelling on it every second of every day. Though she knew she would regardless of what other task she was doing. “You fell asleep so I rescheduled dinner for tonight. Siobhan’s show isn’t until nine, so we should have plenty of time, but just to be sure I made it for an hour earlier than we usually have it.”  
  
“You're not making anything.”  
  
“Cosima, we do not have an excuse for takeout tonight. There is plenty of time to cook.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So what would you like me to make?”  
  
“Nothing. I'm cooking tonight.”  
  
To say Delphine was surprised would be an understatement. “I do not think I have ever seen you cook.”  
  
Cosima winked. “It's gonna be an adventure.”  
  
Delphine didn't want to seem like Cosima’s doctor when they were at home in such an intimate setting, but she couldn't help herself. There weren't two sides of her – Cosima's girlfriend and her doctor. There was only one of her in which she was both. “Are you sure you are feeling well enough? I have no problem-”  
  
Cosima silenced her girlfriend with a kiss. She intended it to just be a little kiss to silence her, but she found hands in her hair pulling them closer together and a tongue begging for entrance. “I promise to tell you when I can't handle something, okay?” With another kiss she sighed. “Delphine, seriously, you have given me so much-”  
  
“I haven't given you anything. And . . . I” There was no way she could tell Cosima the fears she had about the disease. Her test results were much worse than Delphine thought judging by how the brunette seemed more or less okay, physically.  
  
“I know.” Cosima rested her hand on top of Delphine's and offered a soft smile. “I know nothing is guaranteed and I'm not even talking about that. But Delphine you...you gave me a reason to live. You . . . made me happy and showed me there was more to live for than I realized. Something just...” Her hands flew around as she tried to pull the right word from the air. “..changed when I met you. I don't know what exactly, and I don't know how, but you were meant to come into my life to convince me to live.”  
  
There was only so much that words could say. Cosima had always been the _show, don't tell_ type and Delphine would never have a problem with that. For as long as Cosima was able she would continue to show her in any way she could.  
  
With a mischievous smirk she pulled the brunette to her feet and grabbed her tightly under her ass, hoisting her up. With a squeal Cosima laughed and wrapped her legs tightly around Delphine's waist and her arms tight around her neck, not caring that it was rather difficult for Delphine to climb the stairs when she refused to stop kissing her, but they made it and tumbled in a heap onto the bed where every stitch of clothing was gone in three seconds.  
  
There was a short play for dominance, in which Cosima won. For someone so sick she was surprisingly strong, especially her arms. With Delphine right where she wanted her, the brunette slowly trailed down her body with long, slow kisses, not leaving any inch of skin untouched. Delphine's legs spread of their own accord as Cosima reached the place she wanted her the most. “God you are so beautiful.”  
  
Delphine moaned as Cosima parted her with her tongue. “So so beautiful.” While her tongue worked the blonde's clit, with the occasional gentle nip, Cosima easily slid two fingers deep into Delphine making her cry out. Not in release, not yet. Cosima was far from ready for this to be over. _Show, Don't Tell._  
  
Struggling to control her breathing and keep herself from coming to soon, Delphine grabbed Cosima's hair and gently pulled her up. “I need to feel you,” she explained with a deep kiss. “All of you.”  
  
Cosima nodded with a smile, and with her fingers still buried deep within the blonde, she moved one leg over Delphine's so she was now straddling her right leg.  
  
With the access she craved so readily given, Delphine brought her own hand to Cosima's sex, easily parting her slick folds and thrusting deep. “Je t'aime.”  
  
Cosima's head fell back which allowed Delphine to suck on any number of the weak spots she had on her neck. After a few moments and knowing they were both close, each thrust and roll of their hips synched up. With a final kiss they came together looking deep into each other's eyes.  
  
However, Cosima was feeling downright amazing today, aside from the coughing earlier, so she was far from done. “Sit on my face.”  
  
Delphine looked up as she fought to slow her breathing and heart rate back to normal levels. “Excuse me?”  
  
“You heard me.” Cosima winked, sliding off of Delphine with a quick kiss and settling herself beside her.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
Cosima guided Delphine to straddle her waist and pulled her down into a kiss. Delphine gently cupped the sides of Cosima's face as her tongue slowly ran over her bottom lip. It was eagerly granted entry and their tongues moved together as the arousal quickly built again. Though let's be honest, the arousal level between the two was constantly at a pretty high level. Delphine could feel the wetness pouring out of her and coating Cosima's stomach. Cosima felt it too because she broke the kiss and urged Delphine up. “Hold the head board. . . Yeah, like that.”  
  
“I don't want to squish you.”  
  
Cosima chuckled, using her hands on Delphine's hips to guide her where she wanted her. “There are _much_ worse ways to go, trust me.”  
  
Delphine's grip on the headboard tightened as she felt Cosima place a kiss right on her sex. Her hips started moving of their own volition, helping Cosima's tongue to thrust in and out of her as deep as it could go. Cosima kept her close to her mouth with her hands on her backside. Forcing her eyes open Delphine looked down between her legs. Cosima taking so much joy out of pleasuring her pushed her right over.  
  
Reaching over to the nightstand, Delphine handed Cosima a tissue for her completely soaked face and cuddled up beside her.  
  
Cosima turned so they were face to face, softly trailing her fingertips over Delphine's nose, her cheek, her lips before cupping her chin and pulling her to her lips. “I love you too.”

* * *

Sarah eyed them all through dinner. Through the salad Cosima reluctantly let Delphine prepare, and the pasta dish Cosima made. Nothing fancy. Just a dish her mother would make on a rare weekend she was allowed out of the hospital when Cosima was younger. Rotini pasta with a homemade tomato sauce that included zucchini, summer squash and mushrooms. There was no getting anything past her sister and she had never been one to wait for answers or beat around the bush either. “Oi, what's going on with you two? Something's different.”  
  
Five more pairs of eyes turned to look at them as well, as if they had all been thinking the same exact thing. Which, in fact, they had.  
  
Cosima couldn't even play it cool as a big grin came to her face the minute she turned to look at Delphine. That was exactly why the entire meal she hadn't looked at the blonde once.  
  
“Holy shite...” Sarah said with a long breath and a smile, leaning back in her chair like this revelation had literally hit her.  
  
“Well, I was going to wait until dinner was over, but-” Cosima began.  
  
“Holy doodle...” Alison whispered.  
  
“Do I even need to say it at this point?” Cosima asked with a laugh as she looked around at all the smiling faces. There was never getting anything past any one of them. Sometimes she felt like she was always the last to know things even when it came to her own life. Especially when it came to her life.  
  
“YES!” Everyone yelled.  
  
Delphine chuckled beside her, reaching between them to join their hands over the table.  
  
“Delphine asked me to be her girlfriend and I-”  
  
“Finally.” Delphine interjected.  
  
“Accepted!” Hoots and hollers and cheersing and clapping and a few “ _It's about bloody time's”_ could be heard around the table which only caused Cosima's smile to grow.  
  
“A toast!” Helena began, standing up and holding up her wine glass. “To my sestra and-”  
  
“That is not all.” Delphine interrupted.  
  
Helena sat back down. “I will wait.”  
  
Cosima's smile fell, but a quick kiss, followed by several “ _awwww_ ,”es was all it took. She turned back to her family. “I've decided to try treatment again.”  
  
You could hear a pin drop as everyone looked to Cosima with slacked jaws and glossy eyes. “Are you serious?” Beth finally asked.  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima smiled. “Delphine works at the DYAD Institute and got me in and we're going to work on a cure.”  
  
“Thank-you Lord!” Alison exclaimed with a hand flying over her mouth as tears poured from her eyes.  
  
“You're going to get well, Cosima?” Sarah asked, barely holding back her own tears.  
  
“There's no guarantee.” Cosima explained.  
  
“But we will do _everything_ that we can.” Delphine encouraged.  
  
Mrs. S stood up this time and held up her glass in toast. “Then there is much to celebrate tonight.”  
  
An hour and a half later they were all standing front and center as Siobhan owned the little stage at Clone Club.  
  
_“We are backed up_  
_We are backed up so far_  
_And the powers that be are not the powers that we have_  
_We are knuckled down_  
_Fucked around_  
_and passed over_  
_There isn't a day....I don't love you”_  
  
Delphine threw Cosima a teasing wink beside her before turning her attention back to the stage. Cosima lost herself in the music, unable to stop the movement of her hips and arms as the music flowed through her and, just like all those months ago at the club, she felt Delphine's eyes on her before she saw them. Of course Cosima, being Cosima, had to put on a little show for her girlfriend and really over accentuate every movement. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Delphine bite down on her lip. Not a second later she was behind Cosima, wrapping her arms around her stomach and pulling her close as they swayed in unison. Cosima's eyes fluttered closed as Delphine nuzzled the side of her face and pressed a soft kiss to her temple.  
  
_“Are we gonna get up?_  
_Are we gonna stay on the floor?_  
_Are we getting up?_  
_I still want more”_  
  
Cosima relaxed back into Delphine's arms as the blonde clapped her hands in front of them. She looked to Beth and then Alison to her left and Sarah, Felix and Helena to her right. All of them smiling and cheering and holding their drinks up to S. “I sure do.” Maybe Shay leaving affected her more than she wanted to admit. Maybe she had just been really depressed and exhausted and in pain because she had been so sure of her decision, but now she couldn't imagine missing a second of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> Sois courageuse. (Be brave/strong)


	24. Totally Encouraging

****3 MONTHS LATER  
  
“How's she really doing Delphine?”  
  
Delphine looked at Beth as they kept pace along the path. “Physically, she is doing okay. She is strong and has energy-”  
  
“Yeah, I know all about Cosima's _energy_ , believe me.” Beth smirked, throwing the blushing blonde a wink as she jogged a bit ahead.  
  
Delphine shook her head. Beth would always be Cosima's sister first, but she had become a good friend to her over the past months. She needed someone she could talk to about Cosima, who she could bounce ideas off and give her insight. “Yes, well, I will admit I have never had as much sex as I do with Cosima.”  
  
“Look at you.” Beth smirked. “I hope that means it's good, right?” Unlike Sarah, she was not in the least bit squeamish hearing about her sisters' sex lives. Which was why most of them came to her when there was an issue or when things were really _really_ good.  
  
Delphine smiled. “The best I've ever had.” Truthfully, her and Cosima's sex life had been on the decline the past couple of weeks. Not for Cosima's lack of trying though, it was all Delphine. She was staying later and later at the lab and more often than not wouldn't finish for the day until long after Cosima went to sleep. In those cases Delphine would use the key Cosima gave her so they could get a couple of hours together, even if it was just in sleep.  
  
It wasn't that she didn't want to. Far from it, but with each passing day that they didn't have so much as an idea for a cure for Cosima's disease, the fact that her girlfriend was dying became more pronounced in her mind.  
  
She tried to make up for it when she could, but she was painfully aware of the divide growing between them. Come to think of it, she honestly couldn’t remember the last time they had sex…Not good. Barring any new promising developments, which there hadn’t been in three months though she would always remain hopeful, tonight she was leaving work early, grabbing a bottle of Cosima’s favorite wine from the store and planning a quiet, romantic evening for them. Well, hopefully not _too_ quiet.  
  
“Now, you've been with men and women, right?” Delphine nodded. “Is being better at sex in general, a women thing?”  
  
Delphine thought for a moment. “No. I've been with some women who were terrible and some men who were really great.” Beth raised her eyebrows. “What? I'm French. We enjoy lovers.”  
  
“Wow. Okay.” Beth chuckled.  
  
“I think this is just a Cosima thing.” The simple act of saying her name made Delphine's heart fill with so much happiness.  
  
“Touché doctor.” Beth smiled. “Touché.”  
  
Delphine took a breath and reached her arm out to stop Beth. “But while she is doing okay physically, she is coughing up blood and her test results and her scans are . . ." She shook her head. "This disease is progressing too quickly. I do not know how she was symptom free for as long as she was.”  
  
Beth took a couple of deep breaths and paced a few steps away. Someone tripped nearby, momentarily diverting Delphine's attention. “What do you need me to do?”  
  
Delphine turned back to Beth, catching sight of something small Beth shoved into her pocket. “I . . .” She shook it off. Whatever it was Beth clearly didn't want her to know and there were more pressing issues on her mind. “I think another bone marrow transplant is her best shot at buying us more time to figure this out.”  
  
“Done. When can we do it?”  
  
_"I' _m not going to keep harvesting her.”__  
  
_“Cosima, she is your sister. She wants to help you. If it was any one of them you would do it in a heartbeat.”_  
  
_“Delphine . . .” Cosima trailed off as the computer dinged signaling the sequencing it had been working on was finished. Yet another sample that wasn't a match. How many had she tested so far that had shown would be ineffective for the makeup of the masses invading her body? Why were they resistant to everything? “I'm not going to do treatment after treatment hoping something works.”_  
  
_“But you asked me to help you beat this. I am trying!”_  
  
_“Yeah, beat it. Not keep harvesting my sister to buy me more time. That's not what I want.”_  
  
_Delphine looked up at the flourescent lights, silently begging the tears not to fall. “Cosima, I don't know if I can give you what you want. We need more time!"_  
  
_The heaviness of those words settled over them both. Turning away from the computer Cosima wrapped Delphine in her arms, placing a soft kiss to that sweet spot just below her ear. “I know we do, but this is what we have.”_  
  
_“Cosima, just one bone marrow transplant, please!” Delphine begged. One transplant and they could get her stabilized and keep working toward a cure._  
  
_Cosima pulled away. “You can't promise it'll only be one though, can you?” Delphine's mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. She couldn't promise that, no. “I will do whatever treatment you want me to as long as it going to do something to fix this. I don't need a band-aid Delphine, I need something real.”_  
  
“She won't do it.”  
  
Beth scoffed as she resumed her pacing. “It's not her choice. It's mine.”  
  
“Actually, it is her choice. It's her body.”  
  
“She's so goddamn stubborn.”  
  
Delphine agreed whole heartedly as they plopped down on a nearby bench. “I can see her point. The transplant is hard on both of you and it doesn't do anything to eradicate her disease. It only buys her some time.”  
  
“Time you could find a cure.”  
  
“Or time we could not.” Delphine reasoned. “We are doing everything we can, but Beth I . . .” Delphine bit down on her lower lip, a rebellious tear leaving a wet track down her cheek. “I fear I won't be able to save her.”  
  
Beth wrapped her arms around Delphine and let her tears join the chorus. Everyone could see how much Delphine loved Cosima and how hard she was working to cure her, but she wasn't a magician. She couldn't find answers that weren't there. They had absolutely nothing to go on. It was like trying to find one specific piece of hay in the hay stack and no one could blame Cosima for not wanting a repeat of her last experience. She wanted to do treatments, but treatments they knew would help. Not treatments that were used to help other diseases, so hey, why not try it on her and see? Or treatments that wouldn't do anything to actually treat her, but would just give her a bit more time. She wasn't interested in being a lab rat or buying more time just to have that time not produce anything useful. It would only get her hope up to crash it again.  
  
Unfortunately that was really the only way they were going to figure anything out.  
  
“I'll convince her.” Beth promised. “I gave her my bone marrow, she owes me.”  
  
Delphine laughed, sitting up and wiping her face. “Convince her to take more bone marrow by reminding her she owes you for you giving her some before?”  
  
Beth shrugged. “What could go wrong?”

* * *

“Delphine! Shit, where have you been?” Cosima pounced the minute the blonde was in the door, taking her briefcase and setting it on the table so she could grab her hand and lead her across the lab.  
  
“I went for a run with Beth before work, I told you. Cosima, there's something going on-”  
  
“No, no I know that. I meant...never mind. Look at this.”  
  
Delphine switched her thick, wool coat for her lab coat and joined Cosima at the microscope. “What is this?”  
  
“Cells from one of the samples of the masses in my lungs the doctors in San Fran sent over. I set it up on the slide then got distracted with Scott and when I came back about half an hour later and looked, the cells were dissolving. First I thought maybe there was an issue with the sample as it's been frozen for a while, but then I realized that I put the sample on one of the plates that hadn't been washed yet. It still had whatever you were looking at yesterday on it.”  
  
Delphine looked into the microscope, adjusting the zoom and the focus every time she moved the slide to get the best look at the whole thing. “How long ago did you prepare the slide?”  
  
“About an hour.” Cosima explained, popping up some pictures on the screen beside them she had taken every five minutes since she first checked the sample. There were definite changes – positive changes.  
  
“It's working!” Delphine said almost in disbelief, looking from the monitor to the microscope.  
  
“A little bit.” Cosima agreed. “I did another and watched it from the beginning to see what it would do.” She explained, pulling up some more photos on the monitor. The cells first seemed to swell as they soaked up all of the remaining solution on the slide. Then some looked like they burst and some seemed to start degrading and folded in on themselves.  
  
“It has only been an hour, but I'll take any bit I can get.”  
  
Cosima smiled. “So will I.” Grabbing another plate off the table she switched it with the one under the slide.  
  
“What is this? I just see cells.”  
  
“Exactly.” Cosima beamed. “I took another of the slides you used yesterday and put a normal skin scraping on it to see what it would do to healthy cells. No point investigating something further if it destroys all my cells, right?” She joked, but it was a very real fear.  
  
“Nothing.” Delphine said happily. “It didn't do anything to them.”  
  
“Not to skin cells at least.” Cosima reasoned. Before she would actually inject it into her body there was a lot more testing that needed to be done. It needed to be tested on anything it could come into contact with – blood, tissue, bone. She was well aware they would need a biopsy of her lung tissue to test it on too as well as new samples from the masses, which she was not looking forward to, but this was promising. It was early days yet, but it was the most they'd ever had to go on.  
  
“What was on those slides, Delphine?”  
  
Delphine bit down on her lip and looked at Cosima out of the corner of her eye. Cosima wouldn't be happy. “There is a doctor in France, Dr. Ethan Duncan. I read a paper he did once about these unexplained masses he found in a woman's uterus. They spread to her lungs and kidneys, all her epithelial tissue. It sounded a lot like what you have, so I contacted him and-”  
  
“Wait, you contacted another doctor? When?”  
  
Delphine dropped her gaze. “A couple of weeks ago-”  
  
“What the hell Delphine? I don't need to know these things?”  
  
“I didn't want to give you false hope if he couldn't help us.” Delphine explained softly.  
  
Cosima glared over her glasses. If there was one thing Cosima couldn't stand it was not being kept aware of things going on relating to her. It was one of the things that drove her absolutely mental the last time. Dr. Nealon and the other doctors made all these decisions without asking or consulting her. She knew the science, there was no reason for things to be kept from her.  
  
_“I just want to be kept in the loop, okay? As irrelevant or mundane as it seems. This is my body, my decision. I'm the science.”_  
  
“You promised.”  
  
_“I don't want anymore false hope, Delphine. I can't take it.”_  
  
Delphine closed the distance between them and took Cosima's hands, refusing to let go when the brunette tried to shrug her off. Cosima was going to lash out and push her away. She was scared and Delphine didn’t blame her for it, but she needed to show Cosima that she wasn't going anywhere. One of Cosima’s biggest fears in life was being left. Being alone. “I'm sorry. You told me you didn't want false hope so I wasn't going to tell you until I had something good to tell.” Her face softened as she brought her hand to softly caress Cosima's cheek.  
  
Cosima's shoulders fell. Delphine was right. There was no reason to be mad at her, she did nothing wrong. Actually, she was going above and beyond and didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of Cosima's anger. Wasn't that the saying though? You treat the ones who love you the worst because you know they won't leave you? It wasn't as if she did it on purpose. “I'm sorry.”  
  
Delphine pulled Cosima into her arms. “Je t'aime.”  
  
“I love you too.” Cosima smiled. When they pulled away, after a quick kiss, Cosima turned back to the microscope. “So what is this stuff?”  
  
“Maybe everything.” Cosima narrowed her eyes, but before she could speak Delphine did. “I can't tell you exactly what it is as I do not know myself. That's why I had it on slides yesterday and have it running through various analysis. He refused to tell me.”  
  
Cosima nodded. “Proprietary or some shit?” Delphine nodded. “Is there any more?”  
  
“Non. I will have to contact him and ask. I should have the number somewhere...”  
  
Cosima smiled and stepped back allowing Delphine to go over to her own workspace where she sat down and turned the computer screen on.  
  
“Hey Delphine?”  
  
“Oui?”  
  
“What happened to that woman? The one Duncan was working on?”  
  
Delphine's eyes flickered down before locking back on Cosima. “She died.”  
  
Cosima swallowed thickly. Totally encouraging....  
  
“She died before he could test this on her. Actually, he finished this serum by examining her post-mortem. I do not know if he has had any more cases to test it, but I will ask when I call him. . . Cosima?”  
  
Cosima looked up and offered Delphine a sad smile. Here she was probably going to be a guinea pig again – a lab rat, but this looked promising. It was working fast, but that could be both a good and a bad thing. It was early days, but it was promising.  
  
“If this does work, we will need to figure out the best way to get it to the masses. Will it work by an injection or intravenously? Or will it need to be applied directly to the masses to work? Duncan did not tell me how he intended it to be used so I will have to ask him that as well.”  
  
Cosima smiled as Delphine got up and flittered about the lab like she'd just downed about a dozen energy drinks. There was no denying Delphine's passion and her drive. “Delphine?”  
  
“Maybe we could somehow inject it right into your lungs and let your lungs do the work of moving it around to all of the masses? No, we focus on your trachea first...Maybe there is a way to make this in a way that it can be inhaled? That will get it everywhere the masses are. If only we knew what was in it. Is the chemical analysis finished yet? Where's Scott? Maybe-”  
  
“Delphine?!” Cosima tried again, louder.  
  
“Il y a tellement de possibilités que je ne sais pas par où commencer.Has Scott seen this yet? I wonder if this will prevent new growths as well as destroying the current ones. Of course we do not know what kind of side effects we could be dealing with...”  
  
With a sigh Cosima leaned back against a steel metal table and chuckled to herself. She loved how dedicated Delphine was. The blonde was nearly glowing in her excitement. Cosima wasn't blind, she saw what every unfavorable result or dead end did to her girlfriend, despite how she tried to convince Cosima that every result, favorable or not, was one step closer. It was either something to cross off the list or something to investigate further. Now they had a hope and she was, quite literally, running with it. “I'm not wearing a bra.”  
  
Delphine's head spun around so fast it would surely hurt later. “Quoi?”  
  
“That get your attention?” Cosima smirked.  
  
“I'm sorry chérie. It's just that...if this is destroying the masses we need to test it as soon as possible. It could be what we've been looking for.”  
  
Cosima smiled. “I know, I know, but what do you think of going to San Francisco with me this weekend?”  
  
Delphine’s jaw dropped in a _‘you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me’_ look. “Cosima we cannot leave now there's-”  
  
“Nothing we can do until we get more stuff in,” she countered.  
  
“Well, yes, but we could keep exploring other avenues-”  
  
“Delphine we have been working on this for three months straight without a break. It's not like I'm going to die tomorrow.” Delphine let her hands rest on the table as Cosima slipped up behind her. “We both could use a break.” It was a dirty trick. Cosima knew if she said she needed a break that Delphine would jump to make it happen. Honestly even though Cosima had been hiding it well, she was very tired lately. There were more coughing fits and sometimes just working to breathe felt like an Olympic event. There were good days and bad days.  
  
She was also hoping some time away would help them to reconnect. Slowly over the past three months Delphine had been disappearing from her. Dr. Cormier was always there, but Delphine was another story. Cosima understood. Delphine's skills in science were going to help her more than Delphine's skills as her lover, but she needed them both to get through this.  
  
“Just a couple days,” she pressed. “A long weekend. We'll be back before we get more of Duncan's magic potion. I can show you around my old stomping grounds and my mother will not stop hounding me to bring you down and you don't want to start that relationship by saying no to a visit now do you?”

* * *

“Dr. Duncan has agreed to give us more!” Delphine hung up the phone and was literally pulsating with excitement. “But only if we go to him in Paris. He is in England until the end of the month, but then he will be back and wants to see you.”  
  
“Paris, huh?” Cosima asked with a sly grin.  
  
“Oui.” Delphine answered with a seductive smile, sliding up behind Cosima to wrap her arms around her as she loved to do. “Cosima?”  
  
“Mhmm?”  
  
“You know I grew up a little over an hour from Paris by train..” Delphine began, her lips placing a soft kiss to the shell of Cosima's ear and moving down.  
  
Cosima tilted her head to the side, allowing Delphine's lips more access. “Yeah?”  
  
Delphine nodded against Cosima's neck, her lips lingering on that sweet spot where the brunette's neck and shoulder connected causing Cosima to shiver. Delphine smiled, sucking harder. “It will only be fair that if you show me your _old stomping grounds_ , you allow me to do the same, non? We could go a few days before Duncan returns? Spend a couple of days in Lille and maybe a couple in Paris before he gets back?"  
  
“Yeah.” Cosima nodded as a breathy moan escaped her lips. “Totally fair,” she agreed before turning around and capturing Delphine's lips with her own. “However, all this teasing...not so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> “Il y a tellement de possibilités que je ne sais pas par où commencer." (There are so many possibilities that I do not know where to start.)


	25. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a day early, because in the mail today I received the Leda clone name list and a couple of Cosima's research/health journals used in the show! So excited to dive into them and read everything!  
> 

It wasn't until long after they touched down that the nerves got the better of Cosima. After baggage claim, after stopping in a little shop on the way out and buying a chuckling Delphine a 'Someone in San Francisco (heart)s Me' hoodie, after strange looks from Delphine when they were picked up in a new, shiny black towncar with a driver in a suit that Cosima declined to comment on. “Okay, there's something you need to know.”  
  
Delphine cast a quick glance to their driver then back to her girlfriend, her body tensing immediately. Nothing ever good started like that. It was just slightly above the ever-dreaded, _“We need to talk.”_ And _only_ just.  
  
“Aw baby don't be nervous.” Cosima reached across the seat and took Delphine's hand in her own, bringing it to her lips and placing a few quick kisses to her knuckles. “It's not about us. I think we've done more than our fair share of sharing our feelings the past couple of months.” They both chuckled, nervously. “But my family . . . my family has a lot of money. Like...if a lot of money had a lot of money. I just . . .” Cosima sighed and looked out the window as they turned up a long driveway. “It's not who I am. Everything I have, all that I am, is in spite of it.”  
  
“Cosima, I am not going to think any differently of you because you have money-”

“My family has money.” Cosima corrected.

Delphine offered a small smile in apology and squeezed Cosima's hand. “Nothing I could learn about you will change anything. Not my opinion of you, not my feelings. I know who you really are.”

A bright smile slowly came to Cosima's face as Delphine's words sank in. She should have given Delphine more credit, but she was so used to everything changing when people found out about her money. People saw her differently, acted differently around her, treated her differently. They doubted her intelligence and her abilities. Her friends weren't really her friends, even teachers tried to get something out of her. It was insulting and infuriating, but it drove her to push herself harder – to prove herself. Which she did every time.

Cosima was sure that when they got back to Toronto and their life that Delphine wouldn't judge her, but it's hard to see the forest through the trees as they say. She watched Delphine’s face as her childhood home came into view. To her credit, Delphine tried to hide her surprise as the massive home came into view, but Cosima saw how her eyes opened just a tiny bit wider. “Whatever happens-”

“Cosima give me a little credit, please.” Delphine said with a small smile, looking away from the window as if houses like that were something she saw so often they were hardly impressive.

“Meeting the parents is usually pretty embarrassing so just, whatever happens, picture me naked and think of _anything_ you want and I'll do it to get you to forget whatever you learn.”

Delphine blushed slightly, feeling blood rush to parts of her that had been ignored for too long, and shook her head. “Cheeky, cheeky girl.”

Cosima chuckled, spotting her mother by the door. “Among other things.” Turning back to Delphine she took her face in her hands and brought them together for a passionate meeting of lips and tongue. “Just remember I love you.” The driver came around the the side and opened the door for Cosima. “Thanks Dave.”

“Miss Niehaus.”

“Dude, I've been telling you for years now it's just Cosima.”

“Of course Miss Niehaus.”

Cosima shook her head as she fist-bumped the man and turned toward the house. “Hi Mom!”

Carolyn Niehaus opened her arms to embrace her daughter, a wide smile on her face. “It's so good to see you. How are you feeling? You look well.”

Cosima shrugged off her mother's concern. “I'm good I'm good. Delphine and I might be onto something in the lab. Actually, at the end of the month we're going to Paris to see a doctor who may be able to help.”

“Wonderful!” Carolyn's face lit up for a moment before she looked around Cosima. “And where is this Delphine? I would think you made her up if I didn't seen her pictures on your Facebook. Just about every picture and post is about her.”

Cosima turned red. Maybe she was going a little overboard with the couples selfies and sappy posts, but so what? She was happy. And they were hot together. “Please Mom, don't embarrass me.”

Carolyn smirked, a mischievous gleam in her eyes identical to the one Cosima got. “Wouldn't dream of it sweetheart.” With strong hands on Cosima's shoulders she moved her daughter to the side. “She is beautiful Cosima.”

Cosima looked behind her and saw Delphine speak to the driver for a quick moment before turning toward them and smiling. “She's incredible.”

* * *

The over exaggerated groaning could be heard even over the sound of laughter.

“And here she is buck-naked running around the yard with her underwear on her head.” Carolyn pointed out to Delphine which began another round of laughter. And groaning from Cosima. “She was a wild child, even back then.”

“Mom, what part of ' _don't embarrass me'_ was unclear?”

Delphine placed a comforting hand over her girlfriend's as she tried to contain her laughter.

“Oh shush sweetheart. This is my right as your mother.”

To Cosima's absolute delight, Delphine and her mother hit it off right away. They spoke of academia, of Carolyn's work at the university and Delphine's work at DYAD, about Delphine's upbringing in France and of her parents, but mostly they spoke of Cosima. Of how Carolyn knew from the start how intelligent her daughter was...

_“Right from the moment they placed her in my arms, I knew. She looked around at everyone and everything like she was studying it. She's always been like that. In love with the world around her and wanting to know the whos, whats, whys, hows and so forth. I don't think she's ever sat still in her life. There's always been something for her to explore.”_

...how proud she was of Cosima's achievements, her regrets of missing all those years of her daughter's life, how proud Cosima's father was of her and how proud he would be to see the woman she had become. She showed Delphine the library which also held every single award Cosima ever received, framed and/or proudly displayed.

_“Seriously Mom? A participation award for sports day in third grade?”_

_Carolyn shrugged. “Well when your mind is so occupied with more important things, some aspects escape you. Even you can't be good at everything.”_

Carolyn briefly asked how their work was going on in the lab, but other than what Cosima told her outside of the house, the brunette refused to talk about it.  
  
“ _Please Mom, that is all we live, breathe and sleep. I just want a few days where I can forget about it.”_

“ _But she is okay, right?” Carolyn asked, instead turning to Delphine. “You are making progress?”_

_Delphine offered the woman a small smile. “We will know more when we meet with Dr. Duncan in Paris, but it's promising.”_

Then came the photo albums and the showing of every embarrassing picture ever taken of Cosima and the telling of every embarrassing story.

Delphine wished she could have met Cosima a few years earlier. She never found dreadlocks particularly sexy, but there was something so very...Cosima about them. She looked more confident back then. More sure of herself, less weighed down by circumstance. Delphine would do anything to make Cosima feel that way again.

Then there was a picture of a chubby-cheeked baby Cosima toddling around and Delphine felt her heart nearly burst.

“She was the most beautiful baby.” Carolyn said proudly. “Then I don't know what happened.” She joked.

“Hey!” Cosima protested.

“Aw pauvre petit chiot.” Delphine cooed, putting an arm around Cosima and placing a kiss to her cheek. “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” she whispered so only Cosima could hear.

“And on that note” With a sly smile Cosima closed the album. “We're going to do some sight seeing. I promised Delphine the full San Francisco experience.”

“That sounds nice. You two have fun.”

“Would you like to join us?” Delphine asked as they got up.

“Oh no no. You girls have fun. I have a class to teach in an hour. I'll see you later.”

Cosima crossed around to her mother and kissed her cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart.” Carolyn smiled, pulling her daughter down to whisper in her ear. “I like this one, Cosima. Don't let her get away.”

Cosima smiled at Delphine before bringing her lips to the other side of her mother's ear away from where Delphine could see. “I'm going to marry her someday. Do you still have Nana's ring?”

“Of course.” Carolyn smiled. “Just let me know when.”

“You'll be the first to know.” It was something Cosima had been thinking of for a while now. Things hadn't gotten _bad_ bad yet, but Delphine was at her side every step of the way. It was another incentive for them to push and for Cosima to fight. She would never make Delphine a widow, so she had to survive.

Cosima went upstairs to get her camera out of her suitcase that had been put in her room and Carolyn took the opportunity to speak with Delphine alone. “I haven't seen her this happy in quite some time you know.”

Delphine blushed, forcing down the guilt at those words. Cosima was happy now, yes, but even just a couple of weeks ago she was happier. It was completely Delphine's fault. She was the one pulling away, not Cosima. Even if she wasn't meaning to. The thought of this disease ending the life of this amazing woman was too much, so she pushed herself as much as she could in the lab. It had been at least two weeks since she and Cosima had had sex and much longer since they made mind, body and soul fulfilling love, a little longer since she was there when Cosima woke in the morning, and it was getting rarer and rarer that she was done in time to meet Cosima for dinner or held her until she fell asleep at night. She couldn't even remember a conversation they had that didn't in some way reference Cosima's illness.

If she didn't learn how to better fulfill all of Cosima's needs, not just medically, she was going to lose her. Delphine knew this, but the doctor in her kept those thoughts away and focused on the science. She kept telling herself that there would be time for them to lose themselves in one another when Cosima was cured, but right now, whether Cosima accepted it or not, she needed Delphine to be her doctor.

“ _Fuck Delphine, seriously. Stop mothering me! You need to start leaving Dr. Cormier at the lab. When we're here, when we're outside of work, I need my girlfriend. When I need my doctor I'll let you know.”_

When Cosima was well, when she was cured, they would have all the time in the world. “Your daughter is an incredible woman, Mrs. Niehaus.”

“Please, it's Carolyn. And yes she is, but that's not why she's happy.”

Delphine smiled at the older woman. She was so warm and open. Like Cosima she was a free spirit and lead with her heart. With her pencil straight ash brown hair tied up in a clip and her eyes the color of the ocean, she looked nothing like Cosima and yet her posture, her mannerisms, the look in her eyes, her laugh, her passion was everything Cosima.

“I know Cosima is a lot to take sometimes, but when she loves she does so with everything she has in her.” The older woman spoke warmly.

“I know.” Delphine smiled sadly. She would make her emotional absence up to Cosima this trip. Cosima wanted her girlfriend and for the next few days Delphine would give that to her. Without labs to run or results to make sense of, Dr. Cormier wasn't needed here. Delphine was. As hard as she was pushing for answers, for results, she needed Cosima too. Everytime she sent Cosima home alone or she looked over at the clock to see it was late and she missed a goodnight call or text her heart broke a little more. It had been some time since Cosima had even bothered to say goodnight, knowing Delphine wouldn't respond.

The blonde needed this trip as much as Cosima did. Where they could just be Cosima and Delphine. “I have never been loved like this before. I can only hope I make her as happy as she makes me.”

“She is happy Delphine.” Mrs. Niehaus smiled. “I don't know if I've ever seen her smile this much. Her eyes, they just...radiate love. She looks at you like my husband looked at me. You're soulmates.”

Delphine nodded, swallowing thickly. “Mrs-Carolyn,” she corrected. “I promise I am doing everything I can to find a cure.”

Carolyn smiled sadly and clasped Delphine's hand in her own. “I don't doubt that. Just don't let it make you lose sight of what's right in front of you. She needs you Delphine. As much more than just her doctor. Her heart wasn't in it before and she gave up. I know it's not fair to put her entire life on you, but-”

“I promise. I won't lose sight of her.” Delphine took a deep breath, wondering what her girlfriend had told her mother, or if Carolyn was just that good at reading her daughter. “She makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I've never had a relationship as all-consuming as what Cosima and I have. Sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve it - I don't deserve her.” Carolyn smiled happily which caused Delphine's own smile to grow. “I feel like I'm in a fairytale.”

“Written by the Grimm Brothers, no doubt.” Carolyn chuckled sadly. Carolyn spoke with such sadness that unfortunately only came with experience. Watching her husband die was the most difficult thing she ever did and she almost didn't make it out of it, but Cosima kept her going. She may have lost her way for a while, but it was Cosima that brought her back. Now Delphine was in her shoes and her heart broke for her. Her heart broke for Delphine and it broke for Cosima and it broke for herself.

Delphine smiled. Grimm fairy tales were far from fairy tales and far from happy. Cosima was very sick and that hurt more than even Delphine could comprehend, but their love...their love was a fairy tale Delphine was certain of that. A good fairy tale. A fairy tale of which Delphine would fight tooth and nail not to end. Not anytime soon. Not if she had anything to do with it. “I want nothing more than to grow old with your daughter. I will not stop until I make that happen.”

Carolyn smiled and gave Delphine's hand a pat before releasing it. “Okay sweetheart. Okay.”

It did not instill the confidence Delphine was looking for. She was being placated. Delphine knew that look in Carolyn's eyes. It was resignation. Carolyn couldn't handle false hope any more than her daughter could and Delphine respected that. Maybe she was foolish in thinking she could cure Cosima, but she would try. She would try with every ounce she had in her, with every cell in her body. Whatever it took.

Despite being up before dawn and spending hours at airports and a five hour flight, Cosima and Delphine made use of every second they had. They started Delphine's introduction to San Francisco with a stop at Fisherman's Wharf for a typical seafood lunch of which Delphine noticed Cosima barely touched. Her appetite was a hit or miss these days. As much as she could, when she left the lab in time for dinner, Delphine tried to cook foods she knew Cosima couldn’t resist. Once a week she stayed up late after she let herself into Cosima’s house and stocked the fridge so there would be some healthy, already prepared meals for Cosima to grab. She would cook with real butter and heavy cream, whole milk and full-fat yogurt for added taste and calories. If there were things ready, Cosima was more likely to eat rather than if she had to prepare food herself, but even at that she rarely finished a meal anymore.

After lunch they wandered around the shops, saw hordes of barking sea lions, took some pictures and found a little French bakery. They wandered through Madame Tussaud's and took pictures with fake, but unbelievably life-like, celebrities. There was a show starting next door at the San Francisco Dungeon right when they exited that of course they went and saw.

And it was amazing. What they did didn't matter so much as just being able to spend some uninterrupted time together with this disease momentarily put on the back burner. It felt like before Cosima told Delphine the truth, but without the pit of lies burning a hole in her stomach. Just walking down the pier hand-in-hand was more healing than any treatment.

The smile on Delphine's face made Cosima push through the exhaustion she was feeling. The day had already taken a lot out of her, but they only had a few days here and so much to do. There was so much she wanted to share with Delphine and the blonde was eating it all up, but Delphine put her foot down when Cosima couldn't stop coughing.

“Delphine I'm fine,” she protested weakly, trying to hide the crimson she was coughing into the tissue.

“You are not fine, Cosima. We've done too much for you today.”

“I cough when we've done nothing all day. Coughing is not synonymous with doing too much. It's just part of this disease.”

Delphine sighed. Cosima was right. How many lazy days or nights had they spent just watching movies for Cosima to cough more than she was now?

“I know you worry about me.” Cosima looked up at her girlfriend with a smile and laced their fingers together. “But I promised to let you know when I couldn't handle things and I promise you I'm okay.” _A little tired,_ she thought. _But okay._

Delphine nodded, leaning forward to brush her nose against Cosima's before softly pressing their lips together. “I'm sorry. I can't help but worry.”

“I know. And I appreciate it, but please leave the doctor-”

“Cosima!!”

Cosima peered around Delphine and saw a familiar blonde running over to them. Her lips curved up into a smile. “Bobby!”

Cosima ran to her friend and laughed as the other woman picked her up in her arms and spun her around. “Holy hell girl how long's it been?”

Cosima released her friend and reached her hand back for Delphine, who was soon at her side. “Too long dude.”

Bobby looked from Cosima to Delphine, slowly raking her eyes up and down the blonde before turning back to Cosima.

“Shit, sorry, Delphine this is Bobby. Bobby, Delphine. Bobby and I go way back.” Cosima explained with a big smile on her face.

Delphine held her hand out to the other woman and shook her hand. “Enchantée.”

“Pleasure.” Bobby smiled before tilting her head toward Cosima. “You lucky bastard.”

Cosima looked up at her girlfriend with a bright smile. “Don't I know it.”

“How are you doing?”

“I'm...” Cosima smiled at the concern on her friend's face. Bobby was one of the few friends who visited her when she was in the hospital all those months ago. Cosima was unconscious more often than not, but Bobby made sure to stay until she woke and saw her, even if it meant she sat in that room for hours. She would crack a joke or just sit there and hold Cosima's hand, and make sure she stayed up to date on the goings on in their circle of friends. It made Cosima feel like she still had a life. Like she wasn't wasting away in a little sterile room. It meant more to Cosima than she ever told her. “I'm okay.” She answered honestly. “There's good days and bad, but we're working on it. We've got some promising leads, so...”

“Good, good!” Bobby smiled. A chirp from her cell phone interrupted them. “Listen I'd love to catch-up, but I'm on my way to pick up my girlfriend. Why don't you come to SHEer HEat tomorrow night?”

Cosima's face lit up. “It's a club,” she explained to her confused girlfriend. SHEer HEat was a well known gay club in the area. Her favorite around actually. The people were friendly, the music an eclectic mix, strong drinks, big dance floors. Lots of happy memories. “Surprised that place is still around.”

“Oh yeah. They have a killer drag show on Saturday nights now. Jamie's performing.”

“No shit?! Oh dude, we totes have to go.” Cosima turned to Delphine with big, pleading eyes.

Delphine laughed at how Cosima's sayings and mannerisms were getting more pronounced the more time they spent in her hometown.

Bobby chuckled. “You still have my number?” Cosima nodded. “Cool. Text me and let me know. I'd really like to catch up. Hear how all of this” She motioned to Delphine with a sly grin. “Happened. Even if you can't come tomorrow we have to get together.”

Bobby hugged Cosima and gave Delphine a wave before continuing along her way.

“How do you know her?” Delphine asked.

“Old friend.” Cosima said which earned her a sceptical look from Delphine. “Old girlfriend,” she admitted. “We were absolutely terrible together and realized we were much better friends. I've known her for years, but I totally get if it makes you uncomfortable-”

“It doesn't make me uncomfortable. Everyone has a past and I trust you.”

Cosima gave her girlfriend a quick kiss before grabbing her arm and leading her down the Wharf to the nearest cable car stop. It was, after all, a part of the San Francisco experience. “What do you think about going to the club tomorrow night?”

“It sounds like fun. I do love a good drag show.”

“Yeah?” Never in a million years could Cosima picture her, mostly, straight-laced girlfriend ever sitting through a drag show. You learn something new everyday. “Awesome! I haven't seen Jamie in forever but he was always really good at that sort of thing. I doubt we'll be disappointed.”

“But,” Delphine began seriously, turning Cosima to face her. “Only if we take it easy tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Cosima bit her lip. “Not gonna happen.” Delphine had never been to San Francisco and they had five days for Cosima to show her everything she could. She just wanted to share it all with Delphine. Show her around the city that raised her. Show her what got her through the tough times, where she ran to when she needed to get away, all of it. Her mother was free Sunday and Monday so Cosima wanted to spend a good chunk of those days with her, but she had classes today and some kind of workshop all day tomorrow so these two days she and Delphine could explore to their heart’s content. Their flight didn't leave until late on Tuesday so whatever they didn't see they had time to get in then before their flight.

“I know you said you would tell me if you're struggling, but that doesn't mean we should push and find out what your limits are.” Delphine said tensely. The last thing Cosima wanted was to be reminded of her disease, but for as much as Delphine tried, she couldn't ignore the doctor within her.

“I'll tell you what” Cosima began as she stepped up onto the cable car, pulling Delphine along behind her. “For the rest of tonight we can take it easy. We can go down to Baker Beach which, has a beautiful view of the Golden Gate Bridge, and watch the sun set. Get some ice cream? Sadly they don't have eskimo pies, but I know this little place that is totally great. And tomorrow there's a lot I want us to do, _but_ I promise that we can go home and take a nap before we go out for the night. Deal?”

Delphine bit her lip as she pretended to consider Cosima's proposal. Truthfully Cosima seemed so genuinely happy and carefree that she could probably ask for just about anything and Delphine would agree. There was nothing quite like seeing Cosima in her element. This city made Cosima who she was and Delphine wanted to experience it all through Cosima's eyes. With a smile she nodded. “Deal.”


	26. My Favorite High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First song is 'That's my Girl' by Fifth Harmony, second is 'Love Me Now' by John Legend, third is 'Shut up and Dance with Me' by Walk the Moon.

Cosima batted Delphine's hand away as she pulled the covers up over her head for them to be pulled down again.  
  
“Cosima don't be such a child.” Delphine laughed.

“I'm not a child,” she protested. “Children resist sleep. I'm embracing it. You know, I used to be the only one who could get Kira to sleep. Sarah used to Skype me and I'd have to leave class and make up a story or sing to her.” She laughed at the memory. “Sarah used to get so pissed.”

Delphine sat down on the edge of the bed beside Cosima and gently brushed dark curls from her love's face, letting her hand linger. “I hope you get to have a child of your own some day.”

Cosima took Delphine's hands in her own and held them to her chest. “Yeah.” She smiled sleepily, her eyes locking on the blonde's. “You know, I never thought about having kids really. I'm not maternal, like, at all, but since I had that dream of you and me and this little girl, that's all I can think about. It keeps me going, you know?”

Delphine's face broke out in a big grin and she nodded vigorously in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. A child with Cosima. Honestly she never thought about children much either, but when Cosima told her about that dream it felt right. It didn't fill her with the sense of panic she felt whenever her mother would pester her for grandchildren. If she and Cosima could get through her disease, parenthood would be a cake walk. “Are you really still tired?” She asked gently, changing the subject. Cosima asked Delphine to wake her up at seven so she had ample time to get ready for dinner with Bobby and her girlfriend at eight before they all went on to the club. “We can cancel-”

“No, no I'm up. I just hate getting up.”

“Cosima...” Delphine warned.

Cosima sighed. She promised to tell Delphine when it was getting to be too much for her. “Okay, I'm pretty tired. Guess today took a lot outta me.”

After getting back late last night from the beach, of which was a very relaxing and romantic evening with leisurely strolls through the surf and watching the sunset and selfie taking and talking and laughing and holding one another and kissing, _lots_ of kissing _,_ and overall just enjoying themselves and being together, they were up early to have breakfast with Cosima's mother before she went to her workshop. Then, as they were already up, their day began at the California Academy of the Sciences. Cosima could have spent the entire day there, but they had a schedule to keep so she quickly showed Delphine her favorite exhibits. There was also a fascinating exhibit they hit on the way out that made Delphine blush and Cosima die of laughter. It was all about the most outrageous mating strategies in the animal kingdom. Cosima seemed to take some as a challenge which Delphine wasn't sure mortified or excited her.

From there they went for a quick lunch at the Japanese Tea Garden nerby and being the complete nerd that she was, next Cosima brought them to the Exploratorium where they collectively geeked out and inadvertently found themselves leading a discussion on, strangely enough, spiny mice with some of the employees. On how they could completely regenerate up to sixty percent of their own tissue.

Cosima was greatly against animal testing, but as a scientist that was sort of hard to get around so she put herself in charge of their care and well-being and allowed Delphine to get a small handful of the mice to study. When facing one's own mortality there are a lot of values you'd find you're willing to overlook. Spiny mice were able to re-grow complete sections of skin, hair follicles, glands, fur and even cartilage. The implications for mammalian regeneration were absolutely astounding. There was a paper published by a collaboration of scientists around the world that made the case that the mice had a once dormant gene that had been somehow switched on. One in which they shared with humans, but that was still dormant in people. So it was not a matter of if it was possible to activate this gene in humans, but when.

Delphine's theory was that if the spiny mice could shed skin and fur in order to escape an attack and she could find the genes responsible then, theoretically, those same genes in Cosima could be tweaked to view the masses in her body as an attack and shed them. Theoretically. It was still too early in the research to have found anything.

The next stop was at Delphine's insistence – the San Francisco Zoo. She was a sucker for koalas and otters. _“You're so the puppy.”_

_Delphine could tell Cosima was struggling. “Cosima we don't have to do everything in one day. I really think we should go back.”_

_A particularly nasty coughing fit followed not long after that and Cosima made good on her promise and told Delphine she needed to go back to the house and rest where Delphine gave her some medicine and they cuddled up and were soon asleep._

“I haven't seen Bobby in months, I really want to go. I'll be okay.”

* * *

They met for dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant. Bobby's girlfriend, Candace, was very sweet and looked at Bobby like she hung the moon. After having a dark cloud over her love life since Cosima had known her, Cosima was happy to see her friend finally find happiness. Wasn't that what life was all about? Being happy? Everything else seemed so inconsequential lately. Although Cosima couldn't help but tease that they were yet another blonde/brunette girl couple. “Is that, like, a thing now? Are we trending or something?”

“Apparently.” Bobby laughed. “So listen, Candace is a nurse and her grandfather isn’t doing too well so we’re going to be moving up there soon.”

“I am sorry to hear that.” Delphine said solemnly, placing a hand over Candace’s. Her own grandfather had been very important to her. His death hit her hard.

“Up where?” Cosima asked.

Bobby and Candace shared a smile. “Toronto.” Cosima literally jumped up and down in her seat with excitement. “You know any bars that are hiring?”

Cosima nodded vigorously. “My sister owns a club. She will totes hook you up!”

The drag show was, as promised, “ _killer.”_ Their friend Jamie did a ridiculously sexy impersonation of Christina Aguilera’s _Candyman_.

“That's just not fair.” Delphine commented. “I cannot walk in heels that well.”

“Me neither sister.” Bobby agreed, holding her glass up to Delphine to clink them together.

As Cosima usually did when she went to a drag show, which admittedly hadn't been in a long while, she used the show hour to drink so when the time came for it to end she had a healthy amount of alcohol coursing through her veins and could really let loose and dance. It heightened every good feeling she had, especially the feelings for her beautiful girlfriend.

They started out the show sitting side by side, their hands entwined while their fingers laced and unlaced between one another's. Slowly, as the drinks kept coming, they got closer. Their touches traveled up arms and necks, cheeks, hips, stomachs, thighs. By the time the show ended Cosima was on top of Delphine and they hadn't even seen the last act.

 _Who's been working so damn hard?  
_ _You got that head on overload?_

Cosima brook their kiss, a big, bright smile across her face. “I love this song!” Downing the rest of her drink and helping Delphine do the same, Cosima grabbed Delphine's hand and ran to the dance floor.

 _Got yourself this flawless body_  
_Aching now from head to toe_  
_Ain't nothing, ain't nothing_  
_All my ladies 'round the world_  
_Ain't nothing, ain't nothing  
_ _Good girls better get bad_

Cosima took the lead, her arms resting on Delphine's shoulders while her hands clasped behind the blonde's neck. Their hips came together of their own accord as the beat flowed through their bodies.

 _You've been down before_  
_You've been hurt before_  
_You got up before_  
_You'll be good to go, good to go_  
_Destiny said it, you got to get up and get it_  
_Get mad independent and don't you ever forget it_  
_Got some dirt on your shoulder, then let me brush it off for ya_  
_If you're feeling me, put your five high  
__That's my girl_  

Cosima looked up at Delphine and sung along with the music. “ _T_ _hat's my girl. That's my girl. That's my girl._ ” With a cheeky smile she brought Delphine in for a quick kiss then kept singing to her girlfriend as they, quite literally, danced the night away.

Cosima felt so free. It could have been the alcohol, being back home, Delphine and Bobby and a club that held so many good memories. Could have been the past two days spent not thinking or focusing on her disease. Delphine looked free too. As if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It hadn't, the same it hadn't been lifted from Cosima's, but for a few days they could pretend it didn't exist. They could choose happiness, if only for a few days.

Delphine smiled down at her and a rush of memories flooded Cosima's mind. Looks and touches and feelings of their first night meeting at Clone Club all those month ago and finding her there again when she got back from England. It started a familiar heat low in her body. All those feelings she felt the first time her and Delphine's eyes met across the crowded dance floor never went away. She still felt it every time the blonde looked at her. Every touch still sent shockwaves through her body, every kiss still filled her with desire, every look still had her mind reeling.

It was her favorite kind of high.

Delphine made her forget every bad thing in her life. Like her own personal prescription for happiness. Cosima chuckled to herself. That was pretty cheesy even for her, but still true. The music changed and Delphine stepped closer, closing the distance between them to dance with the slower tempo of the song.

 _Pulling me further_  
_Further than I've been before_  
_Making me stronger_  
_Shaking me right to the core, oh_  
_I don't know what's in the stars_  
_Never heard it from above, the world isn't ours_  
_But I know what's in my heart  
_ _If you ain't mine I'll be torn apart_

Delphine's eyes filled with tears as the song went on and Cosima gently brushed the tears away with the pads of her thumbs before bringing Delphine's lips down to meet hers. The kiss was slow and deep, each of them pouring in things they couldn't put into words. Feelings, hopes, dreams, promises...This trip was exactly what their relationship needed. They felt more connected, more in tune with one another from just two short days.

Cosima could see Delphine's point of view. Where it was because of her love that she was becoming more and more physically and emotionally absent. Trying to find a cure left little time for much else, but Cosima could see that was a sign of Delphine's devotion to her, not a sign of their love fading. It was a necessary evil if she wanted to live and her girlfriend deserved the benefit of the doubt and to be cut much more slack than she was giving her.

Delphine also was able to see things from Cosima's view. Regardless of whatever cure or treatment they found, right now her girlfriend was dying. And she was scared even though she wouldn't admit it. She needed Delphine there to hold her at night or sit around watching crappy reality television because that reassured her that she was still alive. It reassured her that their love was strong, that she wasn't alone and that she would be okay. Even if it was all lies, Cosima needed it and Delphine realized she did too.

 _I don't know who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone_  
_So I'm gonna love you now, like it's all I have_  
_I know it'll kill me when it's over  
_ _I don't wanna think about it, I want you to love me now_

“This is a horrible song.” Delphine said when they finally pulled apart, chuckling sadly as she buried her face in Cosima's neck, placing gentle kisses on the warm skin there.

“It really is.” Cosima nodded, sniffing back her own tears. “I need to have a word with the DJ. Not cool dude.”

“Je t'aime.”

Cosima looked deep into Delphine's eyes, conveying everything three little words never could. This went so far beyond love. She needed Delphine. Her body, her mind, her soul needed her. She wrapped her arms around Delphine's neck and pulled her as close as humanly possible. “I love you too.”

 _I don't know who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone_  
_So I'm gonna love you now, like it's all I have_  
_I know it'll kill me when it's over  
_ _I don't wanna think about it, I want you to love me now_

“Move in with me.”

“What?”

“Seriously.” Cosima said, wiping her face and holding Delphine's hands in her own between them. “You don't have to get rid of your apartment if you don't want to. I just want you to stay with me. We barely see each other outside of work anymore and I don't want to waste anymore time. Think of all the time it would save if all your stuff was there. No more getting up early to run home to change before work or stopping on your way over to grab stuff.”

“So this would be purely for convenience then?” Delphine teased.

Cosima chuckled, that familiar glint in her eyes shining through. “Purely.”

Delphine tried to contain her smile, but failed miserably. “Working and living together...you don't think we would get on each other's nerves?”

“Impossible.” Cosima beamed. “Actually, I'm bound to get on yours, so you should probably give it some real thought.” she teased.

Delphine shook her head. “I don't need to think about it. I would love to move in with you.”

Looking deep into each other's eyes they lost themselves in each other and the music.

Until the next song came on. Thankfully containing a happier message this time. “Oh yeah.” Cosima laughed, smiling as Bobby and her girlfriend joined them and the four of them danced together.

 _We were victims of the night_  
_The chemical, physical, kryptonite_  
_Helpless to the bass and the fading light_  
_Oh we were bound to get together_  
_Bound to get together_  
_She took me arm_  
_I don't know how it happened  
_ _We took the floor and she said_

 _Oh don't you dare look back_  
_Just keep your eyes on me_  
_I said you're holding back  
_ _She said shut up and dance with me_

“ _This woman, she is my destiny”_ Cosima sang, holding one hand in front of her face as if holding a microphone and the other pointing at Delphine.

“ _She said oooohhh”_ Bobby joined and the friends finished the lyrics. “ _Shut up and dance with me.”_

The four women danced together, lost in just having fun as song after song came through the speakers. Bobby and Cosima took turns singing with Cosima's air microphone and had a couple of duets in there. Even Delphine and Candace joined in occasionally. Cosima was so lost in the pure happiness of the night that it took Bobby a few tries to get her attention. “Cos you're bleeding!”

Cosima brought the back of her hand to her nose and sure enough it pulled away crimson. With wide eyes she looked up to see Delphine take her lower lip between her teeth as she thought of the best course of action. Reaching out she quickly took Cosima's hand and pulled her toward the exit. It would be easier to think outside away from the lights and music and people.

“Cosima...”

Cosima took the tissue from her girlfriend's hand, coming to a stop a few paces outside the club. She couldn't look at her. Couldn't see the concern etched across her beautiful features. All she wanted was to have a little fun and not be reminded that she was dying, but apparently just that was too much to ask. The club was probably too much in her current state, but she just wanted to feel normal. To have fun and dance and let herself become one with the music like she used to. Okay, and she wanted to show off her girlfriend to her old crowd, but all she wanted was one night. Why was that too much to ask?

Delphine stepped in front of Cosima, turning her head with a gentle hand to look at her. “What do you want to do?”

Cosima looked deep into her girlfriend's eyes and leaned into her touch. Without the commotion inside the club, Cosima was able to be still and take stock of herself. Her body was tingling with a generous dose of alcohol coursing through its system and her muscles twitched from all the dancing, but, aside from that, something didn't feel right. Something else felt . . . not okay. A different not okay then what she had become used to. “Take me home.”

Delphine nodded in understanding and pressed a soft kiss to Cosima's cheek before going to the street to hail down a cab.

“I'm really sorry guys.”

Bobby waved her off. “You're not okay, are you?”

Cosima shrugged and shook her head. It was hard to say what she was, exactly.

“Does this happen often?” Bobby asked.

“No, uh...” With great difficulty, Cosima blinked a few times as her vision narrowed and she swayed slightly. “This is the first time since I left here. Probably just uh...over...uh...did...things...”

Candace stepped forward, taking hold of Cosima's arm and turning to her girlfriend. “Go get Delphine now! Cosima? Cosima are you okay?”

Things started going fuzzy around the edges and Cosima swayed in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol. She could hear Bobby yelling and maybe Delphine too, but one blonde head looked like another as her vision faded. Trying to reach out to her girlfriend, whichever one she was, Cosima fell to her knees as everything went black.


	27. 2.21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've determined this story will end with 50 chapters. Well, 49 and an Epilogue. I just finished 40. Once I finish the rest I will update a bit more than my usual Wednesday and Saturdays. BUT my muse has been extremely fickle lately, so will probably be a while before I finish these last 9 chapters.

“ _COSIMA!_ ”  
  
Even though Cosima was physically relatively okay before this moment, if you overlook the blood and struggling to breathe thing, something had been pulling at the back of Delphine's mind. Cosima was doing too well for what her test results showed. So even though she agreed to going out tonight and having a good time, she was sure not to drink too much over the course of the night so she could be clear-headed in case anything happened. Her instincts had always been spot on.  
  
As she watched Cosima collapse just in front of her, her mind screamed at her. Why did she agree to this when everything was telling her it was a bad idea? Because Cosima wanted to, that was why. With the distance that had gathered between them over the past few weeks, she just wanted to give her girlfriend what she wanted.  
  
She was on her knees beside Cosima in the blink of an eye and watched helplessly as Cosima started seizing. With wide eyes she watched the woman she loved convulse in front of her. It took a few seconds for Delphine to snap out of her panic and fear and fall back onto her medical training. Quickly noting the time, she easily moved Cosima onto her back and cleared everything out of the way. Looking up her eyes locked on the first pair she saw. “We need an ambulance, now!”  
  
Bobby nodded and took out her cell phone, dialing 9-1-1 with shaky fingers then handed the phone to her girlfriend as Candace handed Delphine her jacket to put under Cosima’s head. Candace was a nurse and better suited to speak with emergency services than she was.  
  
All Delphine could do was sit back on her heels and watch as Cosima's body shook and thrashed in front of her. Aside from securing the scene and making sure there was nothing Cosima could injure herself on or that could injure her or any of them as they knelt down on the pavement, all she could do was watch. The seconds ticked by like hours. “Come on come on.” Delphine whispered. “I'm right here. I'll always be right here. Come back to me.” She knew it was pointless. Nothing she or anyone said would pull Cosima from the seizure any faster, but as her heart lodged itself high in her throat and the tears fell, she had to try and reach Cosima even if she knew, realistically, that she couldn't. Her medical training may take point in times of crisis, but in this instance it was competing with the overwhelming love she had for the woman on the ground.  
  
Now more than ever she understood why doctors weren't supposed to work on family or loved ones. It was impossible to remain objective when it was someone you loved lying there.  
  
“Ambulance is two minutes out.” Candace's voice pulled the doctor back out of Delphine.  
  
_30 seconds..._  
  
35 seconds...  
  
45 seconds...  
  
60 seconds...  
  
“Come on Cosima!” Delphine watched a trickle of blood trail from the corner of Cosima's mouth, praying it was just because she had bitten her tongue or her cheek and not that the masses on her trachea had swelled with the seizure and were completely occluding her windpipe.  
  
_1 minute 20 seconds..._  
  
_1 minute 30 seconds..._  
  
_2 minutes..._  
  
Finally around the two minute and fifteen second mark, just as Delphine could see the lights from the ambulance turning into the parking lot reflecting off Cosima's face, because she was too focused on Cosima and Cosima alone to hear the siren, Cosima started to come out of her seizure. Two minutes and twenty-one seconds after she started seizing, Cosima's body went still.  
  
“What have we got?”  
  
Finding a pulse, Delphine quickly wiped her face, thanked a God she long stopped believing in and turned to the paramedics. “Thirty-year-old female post-ictal and unresponsive. Seizure lasted two minutes twenty-one seconds. She has an autoimmune disease with masses in her lungs, trachea, larynx and diaphragm.”  
  
“Brain?” The other paramedic asked as they quickly examined Cosima on the ground before lifting her frail body onto the gurney. Once her limp body was on the stretcher, his partner did a quick check and when he wavered over Cosima’s mouth and nose, and he bent down so that her chest was eye-level, Delphine knew Cosima wasn’t breathing.  
  
“Not as of a few days ago,” she explained, eyes honed in on the paramedic examining Cosima. “Is she breathing?” She demanded.  
  
The paramedic looked at Delphine, but revealed nothing, barking out some code Delphine didn’t know to his partner before rushing Cosima into the ambulance. Delphine tried to follow, but the paramedic she spoke to stopped her. “Are you family?”  
  
Delphine paused, looking beyond helplessly as a bag valve mask was put over Cosima’s face and the paramedic working on her shook his head. “I'm her girlfriend,” she pleaded.  
  
The paramedic's face softened, but he shook his head. “Sorry, family only.”  
  
“I'm her physician,” she tried again. Surely they would let the patient's doctor go with her. Cosima wasn’t breathing. She could help, but after trying the girlfriend angle first, he probably didn't trust her. “Sorry.”  
  
Bobby grabbed Delphine's hand and led her quickly away from the fading ambulance. “I'll drive you.”  
  
Half in a daze, Delphine let Bobby lead her over to the car and into the passenger seat while Bobby took the driver's and Candace climbed into the back. Bobby threw the car in drive and sped after Cosima.  
  
A blue bottle was pushed into her hands. “Drink this.”  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“It'll sober you up.” Candace explained.  
  
Delphine smiled her thanks and chugged the entire bottle. Probably best she didn't know what was in it exactly. By the time they got to the hospital, which seemed to take hours, but was probably no more than ten minutes, she was sober as a judge. Thankfully she hadn't drank too much to begin with.  
  
They were only a couple of minutes behind the ambulance when they burst through the emergency room doors. “Cosima Niehaus.” Delphine demanded to the nurse behind the desk. “She was brought in by ambulance. I'm her physician.” Delphine closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Cosima needed her to keep her cool right now. She needed to focus. Delphine had to take a back seat right now. Dr. Cormier was needed.  
  
The nurse behind the desk took note of Delphine, and Bobby and Candace trailing behind her and raised an eyebrow at Delphine, clearly not believing her. They had to all be a sight. Probably reeking of alcohol and looking like disheveled, sweaty messes. Delphine dug around in her bag. “Here is my ID. I work at the DYAD Institute in Toronto. I really am her physician.”  
  
“Shit, DYAD.” The nurse said, impressed. After thoroughly checking the ID she handed it back and pressed a button below the desk that opened the doors behind her.  
  
Delphine thanked her and ran through. “Cosima Niehaus?” She demanded to the first person in scrubs she saw – a frazzled looking young guy, most likely an intern not yet used to the fast pace and gore of an ER. He pointed toward a room on the right filled with people.  
  
“Blood pressure?"  
“Barely registering breath sounds.”  
“Pupils responsive, but sluggish.”  
“I need a suture kit!”  
“I can't intubate!”  
  
“Push epi!” Delphine instructed as soon as she entered the room. “Dr. Delphine Cormier, DYAD. I'm her physician in Toronto. She has masses in eighty percent of her respiratory tract, you're not going to be able to intubate unless you give high-dose Epi and steroids to shrink them enough to get the tube down her throat. The seizure probably made them swell.” She looked around, but no one was moving. They were simply staring at her. “If you don't do it now she will die!” Everyone sprung to action. “And try a child's intubation tube. It should be small enough to fit.”  
  
“She have cancer?” Someone asked.  
  
Delphine shook her head. “No.”  
  
“What are the masses?”  
  
“We don't know.” Delphine answered anxiously, watching a woman in scrubs finally inject something into the IV in Cosima's arm.  
  
“How are you treating her?” The same man asked.  
  
“We don't know that either.” Delphine snapped. Taking a deep breath she turned to the frazzled man from before who was barely in the room, staying in the corner by the door. “I need you to call the hospital administrator. I'm going to need privileges here.”  
  
“She's intubated!”  
  
Delphine let out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.  
  
The doctor she had been conversing with handed her a pair of gloves. “Good call doctor.”  
  
In minutes Cosima was hooked up to various machines and had a healthy dose of steroids pumping through her IV. Her color was better but she was still unconscious, cut up pretty good from the fall and wasn't breathing well on her own. They needed to do a completely fresh work-up to make sure the seizure wasn't because the masses had spread to her brain, but Delphine was confident that her body was simply too exhausted fighting her disease that doing so much in San Francisco and all the dancing tonight was too much and her body just needed some time to recover. Of course the first order of business was an complete MRI, but she was about ninety percent sure her brain would be clear. It wasn't an option to consider that the masses would be spreading that fast. They'd just run a scan a few days ago and her brain was clear.  
  
“How long was her seizure?” The doctor asked.

“Two minutes twenty-one seconds.” Delphine answered, eyes glued on her girlfriend lying completely helpless and vulnerable in a thin blue hospital gown. Longest two minutes and twenty-one seconds of her life.

“Has she had one before?”

“Not in months, but she's been getting worse.”

“Tell me about that.”

* * *

“Yes...” Delphine nodded, moving the phone to her other ear. “No, not yet, but she is breathing on her own now so that's go…..It was clear.” She couldn't help but smile. They did a full body work-up and there were no new masses. Cosima's brain was fine. A little bruised from when she blacked out and fell so when she woke she would undoubtedly have a nasty headache, but there were no masses. Delphine was also correct in her assumption that the masses in her windpipe had swelled with the seizure and that was why Cosima hadn’t been able to breathe. As soon as the steroids were going strong they shrank back down to normal and she was breathing on her own. Though what caused the seizure was anyone’s guess at this point.

“Yes, her mother was here earlier, but it's late so I told her to get some sleep and I'll call her when she wakes...” She listened intently to the other end of the line, watching the slow and steady rise and fall of Cosima's chest and the perfectly normal rhythm on the heart monitor. “Yes, of course. . . I will . . . Merci Beth.”

“I feel like I was hit by a truck.”

Delphine nearly dropped her phone in shock. “Cosima!”

Cosima smiled weakly as she slowly opened her eyes. “My head hurts.”

Delphine sat down on the edge of the bed and lifted the small gauze bandage on Cosima's forehead. “I would imagine so. You have eighteen stitches.”

“Next time I pass out I'll be sure to do it somewhere softer.” Cosima smiled and squeezed Delphine's hand. It was all she could do at the moment. Everything hurt. Her chest, her head. She felt dizzy and shaky.

Delphine shook her head as a single tear escaped her control. “I don't know if I have ever been so scared in my life.”

It was no secret to Cosima that she never felt about anyone what she felt for Delphine, but more and more everyday she could see that no one had ever felt about her the way that Delphine did either. She coughed. Though thankfully this time a dry cough. “I'm sorry,” she rasped.  
  
“You’ve been lying to me.” With a sigh Delphine brought her free hand up to adust the cannula under Cosima's nose and let her hand linger, gently caressing a scrape just over a bruised cheekbone. “You're not okay.”

Cosima sighed and looked away.

“You promised me, Cosima.”

“I know.” Cosima nodded, but kept her eyes looking out the window. “When I can't handle something I _do_ tell you.”

“Yes, but you're very sick. You have to be in pain and hiding your symptoms. Cosima-”  
  
“You're not there, okay? . . My symptoms are usually worse at night and...” She trailed off, wincing slightly as she tried to move into a more comfortable position. She did faceplant into some tough concrete, so she was pretty bruised and cut up. All superficial, but it would hurt for a while.

Delphine took a breath, tears of guilt and sadness coming to her eyes. “And I'm not there at night.” she finished, quietly. This was something she should have noticed, but she was too busy being Cosima's doctor while they were in the lab and taking note of her symptoms during the day, that she hadn't considered things would be worse the couple hours between when Cosima went home and she would crawl into bed beside her hours later. She should have noticed. Should have been there to notice.

“Not often.” Cosima confirmed, tearing her eyes from the window. “I don't want to be the sick one, Delphine. I know you're my doctor, but you're my girlfriend too...I may not have that much time left and I don't want this to monopolize all the time I have left with you.”

Delphine smiled sadly before lightly brushing her lips against Cosima's. Her heart broke at the brunette's words. The last thing she ever wanted was for Cosima to feel like her disease was taking over their relationship. To feel that Delphine was placing more of a priority on that than she was on Cosima herself. It was inevitable, but if Cosima felt the need to hide things from her it meant that she was neglecting who Cosima was as a person and her girlfriend, and she needed to try harder to separate her from the patient. If she was a better girlfriend she would have seen for herself and there wouldn't have been anything for Cosima to hide. The complete hopelessness of Cosima’s words made her chest tighten. “I am so sorry.”

Cosima sighed, looking up at Delphine. “I know you're just trying to help, but I miss what it was like back before you knew, you know? Not the stupid agreement we made that neither of us could follow,” she chuckled softly which turned into a deep, rattling cough. “But not having this black cloud hanging over our every moment.”

“Yes.” Delphine nodded. “I miss that too.”

A few more lingering moments Cosima looked away, ending the moment. “So, what's the verdict? They in my brain now?”

“Why would you think they are in your brain?”  
  
“Well, everything went black then I woke up here so I'm assuming I had a seizure. And...I've...I’ve been having headaches.”

“Cosima” Delphine chastised.

“I know I know I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything from now on, okay? How long was I out?”

Delphine looked across the room at the clock hanging on the wall. “About nineteen hours.”

Cosima nodded, slowly letting everything sink in. That was a hell of a long time for a seizure and a little bump on the head from a fall. She tried to swallow and felt her throat was swollen. “Was I intubated?”

Delphine nodded, brushing the salt from her cheeks. “The euh...the seizure caused the masses to swell and you couldn’t breathe and they couldn’t get the tube down your throat for...for a while, so there will be some swelling. We don’t know what caused the seizure.”  
  
Cosima took a deep breath, letting this new information settle. Maybe she really was pushing it too much. If her body didn't have the energy to regain consciousness for almost a full day, she definitely was. Unfortunately it was time to slow down and admit that things had to change again. Her eyes immediately went to her girlfriend. She was a mess - a beautiful goddess of a mess, but a mess nonetheless. Her usually vibrant and bouncy curls were limp and lackluster, her makeup was smudged, her clothes were wrinkled and under her eyes were these impossibly dark bags. “You must be exhausted.”

Delphine smiled with a soft shake of her head. “I'm okay.”

“You haven't left my side, have you?”

“No.” The doctor brought Cosima's hand to her lips and kissed her palm. “I will never leave you.”

For once in her life, Cosima believed those words. Seemed everyone in her life said it to her at one time or another and then did, in fact, leave her. Her father was the first to say those words and then he died. Her mother said a similar phrase then spent years in a mental institution. Her grandmother, then she died. Shay...but Cosima believed Delphine. It touched her more than she could ever say. Unfortunately she couldn't promise Delphine the same.

* * *

“Finally convinced her to leave, huh?” Carolyn Niehaus asked as she entered the room.

Cosima smiled. “Yeah, finally.” It had taken quite a lot of convincing, but with her mother on her way, Cosima managed to convince Delphine to leave long enough to at least have a shower and a bite to eat, if not a little nap as well. She loved that Delphine didn't want to leave her, but she had to take care of herself too. Even if that meant Cosima had to kick her out. Nicely, of course.

“I passed her on the way out. She looked like she could use a break.”

Cosima watched her mother take up the seat recently vacated by her girlfriend and sighed. “I don't think any of this is working Mom.”

Carolyn nodded and placed a comforting hand over her daughter's. “I know sweetheart.”

“Nothing's changed. I'm getting sicker and now I have this total, fake hope because I knew we wouldn't find a cure, but she looked at me with these big, puppy eyes and these _“je t'aimes”_ and I couldn't leave her. I had to at least try. For her, if not for me, but . . .” She sighed and turned to look out the window. “I knew this was how it would go. This is why I said no a year ago.

“I can't keep doing this. Every day when another test fails or another promising treatment turns out to be nothing it kills me a little more, but I can't let it show. Delphine immediately jumps onto something else.” Cosima sighed. “At least before I accepted nothing would help so I wasn't let down time and time again, but she made me believe we could find something and every time we don't...I just can't, Mom.”

“Have you told Delphine this?” Carolyn asked softly, trying hard to keep her own emotion out of her voice. Cosima was her child, of course she wanted her to live, but she saw what the months in the hospital did to her, saw what the years in the hospital did to her husband. It wasn't something she would wish on her worst enemy, had she had any. Cosima had always been such a strong little soul. Ever since she was little, she pushed. She was a fighter. She soaked up every ounce of life that she could, but there came a time when even the strongest individual had to stop.

Cosima shook her head, wiping salty tracks from her cheek. If Dr. Duncan turned out to be another dead end she was done trying. Done clinging to the hope of a cure that didn't exist, but she knew Delphine wouldn't rest until she found a cure. She would lose her. Delphine wouldn't give-up and Cosima loved that about her. That drive, that passion, that dedication, but all she wanted in her final days was for her girlfriend to hold her and tell her she loved her and that everything would be okay. She knew Delphine couldn't do that. Delphine would fight until the very end.

“It'll destroy her. We have a lead.” _One last shot_ , Cosima thought. “This...Dr. Duncan in France. If he can't help, then...” She didn't have to finish the thought.

Carolyn squeezed her daughter's hand as the two fell into silence. There were no words right now.


	28. Three Strikes Rule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this the day after episode 5x07 and the lack of Cophine made my muse demand fluff. I really wanted to explore simple, domestic days in the life. Don't judge my love of Xena. If you don't love that show too you are MISSING OUT!

One of the perks of being _'the sick one'_ was that Cosima wasn't allowed to lift a finger helping Delphine move-in. While she didn't want to be defined by her disease or have it looming over every conversation, she wasn't above using it to her advantage. But only every once in awhile. The hospital in San Francisco released her relatively quickly as, apart from her seizure and concussion she got during the process of said seizure, and the incurable illness, there was nothing wrong with her. After all, it was just a seizure. People had seizures every day and only a small amount of them ended up in the hospital. It was only because of her disease that things had escalated.  
  
They weren’t able to determine what caused the seizure. Best guess, as anticipated, another symptom of the disease and something else to worry about. _Awesome._ As if Delphine wasn’t already overdoing the doctor role.  
  
They spent an extra day in San Fran with her mother, but it was a relaxing day in which Delphine and Carolyn waited on Cosima hand and foot and ensured she did as little as possible. The next day, confident there would be no further incidents, she and Delphine made their return flight home without issue.

Though Delphine still promised Cosima's doctors and mother, as her physician, to monitor Cosima and ensure she took it easy. Thus, she was taking it easy. On the sofa. While everyone else helped. With the cannula tucked over her ears and under her nose like the good patient she _never_ was.

Thankfully she had four healthy sisters who adored her girlfriend and were happy to help. Okay, three who adored her girlfriend and were happy to help. Sarah was helping, but she still didn't trust Delphine. To be fair, she didn't trust anybody so that wasn't all that surprising. And Felix. Felix was helping too. He always helped where he could. Paul wasn't invited to the party and Donnie conveniently hurt his back the morning of the move. Didn't matter. They were strong, independent women who didn't need men to help them.

Cosima was reminded of a Xena musical episode before Xena's daughter was born where Xena's mother was asking her how she would raise the baby without a man and how she would get by and whatnot. You know, aside from the fact that Xena was the freaking Warrior Princess and could do it herself. But there was a song Xena sang about how ' _sisters are doing it for themselves...standing on their own two feet...ringing on their own bells...'_ The song wouldn't leave her head as she watched her sisters and she couldn't help but chuckle.

“Yeah, right, laugh. Have a grand ol' time while we're busting our asses.” Beth complained as she and Delphine came in carrying a large oak bookshelf across the living room and into the office. The up until this point, empty office.

“You're hardly busting your asses. She doesn't have all that much stuff.” Cosima protested.

“No she doesn't.” Sarah agreed, carrying a rather large box. “But what she does have is bloody heavy!”

Felix came in after her holding a pillow. “It's alright to me.”

Immediately Sarah dropped the box, yanked the pillow out of her brother's hands and hit him as hard as she could with it.

“Hey! What? The pillows aren't going to move themselves.” He protested.

Sarah stopped and smiled. “You twat.”

“Children, children,” Alison reprimanded on her way up the stairs with another box, this one labeled _'linens.'_ “Bedroom, Delphine?”

“Yes, thank-you Alison.”

Cosima chuckled at her crazy rag-tag family when she noticed Kira had stopped coloring on the coffee table and was looking around with a sad expression on her face. “Hey Kir, what's the matter?” She asked, gently coughing into her elbow.

“Does Delphine moving in mean we can't have sleepovers anymore?” The child asked sadly.

“No of course not sweetie. You are _always_ welcome here. Why would it mean we can't have sleepovers?”

“Where will we sleep?” The child asked.

Cosima's brow furrowed in confusion so she looked over at Sarah who shrugged. “The same place you always do.”  
  
“Buuuut isn't that going to be Delphine’s room now? Where's she going to sleep?”

Cosima's eyes went wide. “Uh-huh.” She nodded, taking the cannula off and hanging it on the oxygen tank. It wasn't like she needed it _all_ the time. It was more of a precaution than anything else at the moment, and headed upstairs after her girlfriend. “You get to deal with that one Sar.”

It wasn't that she didn't know how to broach the same-sex relationship aspect with Kira. Her Uncle had covered that years ago, but she didn't know how to have those kinds of serious discussions with a child. Besides, being the cool aunt meant she didn't have to.

Upstairs she stood by the doorway to the bedroom, sidestepping to let Alison back down the stairs- they really owed her a cake or something since she was the only one of her sisters consistently helping, and watched Delphine move around the room; hanging things in the closet, throwing a blanket on the bed, putting a framed picture of the two of them on her nightstand, hanging something on the wall. Cosima hadn't done much decorating. Delphine helped her furnish the house when she moved in, but she didn't have paintings or pictures or anything hanging on the walls. She didn't have knick-knacks or trinkets or things hanging around just because she liked them. Delphine did and with every item Delphine took out of _her_ box and put in _their_ shared space it made it feel more like a home.

“Mon Dieu Cosima!” Delphine exclaimed, a hand flying to her chest. “You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Cosima said, not in the least bit sorry. “I came up to see if I could do anything to help and then I couldn't stop looking at you.”

“Oh yes, I am sure I am _quite_ something to look at right now.” Delphine scoffed, tucking a stubborn curl behind her ear for probably the fifteenth time in the last thirty seconds. She was tired and sweaty, but even with no make-up, sweat dripping down her back, hair haphazardly tied up in a messy bun, ripped jeans and oversized sweater, she still looked like a goddess to Cosima. “Where is your cannula?”

“You know I will always find you irresistible.” Cosima said, finally making her way into the room and pointedly ignoring her girlfriend’s question.

Delphine couldn't help the blush that spread over her face.

“But, I was thinking about how this is all _ours_ now. It feels so much more like home with you and all your stuff here. It all just fits.”

Delphine swatted Cosima's wandering hands away with a smile and placed a fleeting kiss on her lips as she ran back out of the room.

“Delphine!” Cosima moaned in complaint. It had been a couple of hours now and she was bored. Not that even if she wasn't she would have been placated with such a chaste kiss.

“Soon, chérie. I promise!”

Cosima sighed and flopped down on the bed. Delphine was much more organized than she was. She wouldn't sit down until all of the boxes were unpacked and every single bobby pin had a home whereas Cosima would have been content to leave the boxes where they were until they slowly got unpacked as she needed things. Rolling over onto her belly and grabbing Delphine's pillow she smiled. Didn't matter how or when things got unpacked...Delphine was home!

“Oi, what's Delphine making for dinner tonight?” Sarah asked, trying to mask her excitement. For as much as she didn't trust anyone outside of her family, she trusted Delphine's cooking.

Cosima turned over to address her sister, hoping she hadn't been caught with her nose in her girlfriend's pillow. Thankfully Sarah had a large box in her hands and didn't give any indication Cosima had been caught as she, not so gently, dropped the box by the bottom of the bed.

“Oh, I thought I'd give Delphine a break tonight.” Alison said before Cosima could open her mouth, coming in and carrying a box into the closet. _'Shoes'_ Cosima shook her head. She was pretty sure there were three or four identically labeled boxes already in the closet. “She's doing so much she's going to be tired. I brought things to make vegetarian lasagna.”

Cosima smiled and her wild sister deflated. Alison was a good cook, but couldn't hold a candle to Delphine's French cuisine. But if there was one dish of hers that Cosima nearly drooled over, it was that. It was something all the sestras would eat and thus a favorite among them.

“Unless there's an issue with that?” Alison asked.

“Issue with what?” Beth asked, joining the rest of them as she and Delphine set a beige arm bench down at the foot of the bed, Helena and Felix trailing behind them with a box of books and more pillows, respectfully.

“Ali cooking family dinner tonight.” Cosima explained. Sarah mumbled something inaudible under her breath. Not that she would _ever_ say, but she had been looking forward to Delphine cooking. One of the only reasons she agreed to help. That, and she knew it was important to Cosima. Though for as much as she denied it, Sarah was warming up to the Frenchwoman. A time or two they actually had a pleasant conversation, even.

“Oh, we're doing family dinner tonight?” Beth asked.

Alison came out of the closet, brushing off her hands. “Might as well. We're all here.”

“Yes, dinner, family, we should do this.” Helena agreed. “Much moving. We will need to replenish our strength.”

“Settled then.” Felix smiled. “I brought wine.”

Cosima noticed Beth look around the room at all of them. Her eyes were glassy, almost as if she was going to cry, and the way her eyes floated from one of them to the next made it seem like she wasn't quite seeing what was in front of her. “Everything okay Beth?”

“Yeah, yeah I just have to work tonight. You know how it is.”

“Oh, well there's always next time.” Alison shrugged, interrupting before Cosima could press Beth further. “I'll save you some.”

“No.” Beth said a little too quickly. “Ah, no thanks Al. I'll just uh...catch it...next time. I'll see you guys later.” With a look to each of them in the room landing on Cosima last, Beth offered her a quick, tight-lipped smile. “You all be good.”

Felix scoffed. “Sounds dreadfully boring.”

Beth, Alison, Felix and Sarah all headed back downstairs and the thought of hoisting herself off the bed made Cosima cough, but she took a couple of deep breaths and went to get up just for Delphine to hold her hand up in a 'stay there' motion. She went to the door and once she was sure everyone was downstairs, closed it all but a crack and turned to Cosima. “Something is up with Beth.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean something has been...off the past couple of weeks.”

“Have you asked her about it?” Beth might be Cosima's sister, but the truth was that lately Delphine saw her more than any of them did. Apart from their morning runs, Beth always seemed to be at work. Anytime any of them asked her to hang out or anything she was always busy. _“That's the life of a cop.”_ Beth would say.

Delphine took a breath and shrugged. “I have and Alison has. At first she said she had a fight with Paul, but when I asked her again she was conveniently late for work. And now...”

“What?” Cosima prodded.

Delphine pulled a small bag out of her back pocket. “She dropped this outside.”

Cosima took the small baggie and felt her blood run cold. “You sure Felix didn't drop this?” She joked, but it fell flat. There was no mistaking the white powder inside, but it didn't make sense for Beth to have it.

“It wasn't Felix.” Delphine simply shook her head. “I think something's happened at work. Her partner followed us for a few of our runs and once I hung back after Beth left to ask him and he didn't know either. Just said that she started acting differently after one of their cases and the Captain told him to keep a close eye on her.”

“Why didn't you tell me? I could have talked to her.”

“I told Alison. She told Sarah who told Siobhan. You've had enough going on. They told me not to give you more to worry about, but now...” She gestured to the bag in Cosima's hand.

Cosima took a deep breath. Made sense now why she hadn't seen her sister in a while. Cosima had a nose like a bloodhound and usually knew when something was up and since this was clearly something Beth didn't want any of them to know about, she kept her distance. That would change. After dinner Cosima was going down to the station and Beth wouldn't have any choice but to talk to her.

* * *

“Delphine! Come on!” Cosima yelled up the stairs again. “Towels can wait! Dinner was ready twenty minutes ago! We're hungry!”

“So eat! I'll be down in a minute!” Delphine yelled down the stairs from the bedroom.

“That's what you said twenty minutes ago!”

“Delphine!” Sarah joined her sister at the stairs. “So help me if your arse isn't down here in one minute! We're bloody hungry and Alison won't let us eat until you come down.”

Delphine wordlessly floated down the stairs seven seconds later and took her seat at the table without a word.

Cosima looked at Sarah in awe. “You have to tell me how you did that.”

With everyone seated at the table, Cosima took a moment to look around. Nearly all the most important people in her life were sitting in this room. Her family, her love, her entire world in one place. Twice now she had to tell them she was dying. Once some time after she was first diagnosed. After they'd tried a variety of treatments and she kept getting sicker. The second time when she told them she was stopping treatment. When she was in the hospital at least they had hope, even if it wasn't based on anything, even if she was still dying. To have taken that hope away and tell them she was willingly choosing to leave that behind was telling them for a second time that she was going to die.

If Duncan couldn't help them she would be forced to tell them a third time. Because now they had that fake hope again, only Cosima didn't know it was fake. Not at first. Not when she looked up at her girlfriend's beaming face as she talked about treatments and statistics and resources and actually believed they could cure this.

Even though it wasn't Delphine's fault, Cosima couldn't help but feel a little resentful. This was one of the reasons she hadn't wanted a relationship. Because she knew this would happen. She knew anyone she was with would want her to try to find a cure, try to find a way to live, and that would have been wonderful if she didn't already know there was no cure. Cosima didn't want treatment after treatment after treatment that got her nowhere, but she knew if she was with someone they would want her to, so she would and this exact situation would happen. Where they had been searching for something for months and kept coming up empty. Each time would be like a tiny piece of her soul dying along with her hope, and because of that she would start to resent the person who made her believe things could be different. Because she knew they wouldn't be.

It wasn't Delphine's fault. It was Cosima's. For breaking her own rules and falling for this amazing woman and believing they could cure her. But, while she might be a little resentful of Delphine, she also needed her. No one made her happier and feel safer and more loved and cared for. When she woke up in the middle of the night and saw Delphine lying beside her, she could pretend things were okay. When she heard Delphine singing softly in French while she showered, she could pretend she didn't already have an approximate number of showers she had left to enjoy. When they were being domestic and cuddled up on the sofa watching the news, on the exceedingly rare occasion _that_ happened, after a long day with glasses of wine she could turn to Delphine and lose herself in in her and forget.

But if it turned out that Dr. Duncan wasn't the miracle they needed, then everything would come crashing down again and Cosima wasn't sure she had the strength to survive it a third time. Not now that she had Delphine too.

A gentle had on the back of her neck made Cosima jump.

“Are you okay mon amour?”

Cosima smiled sadly. “Just thinking.”

“Are you feeling okay?” The hand moved to her forehead, checking her temperature.

Cosima moved away. “I'm fine.” Taking a few deep breaths to push the rattling in her chest down to avoid a bloody coughing show in front of her family, Cosima reminded herself that Delphine was only doing this because she cared. Delphine tried, but it was impossible for her to stop checking for signs and symptoms and the line between girlfriend and doctor was getting more blurred with each passing day. It was only reminding Cosima of how serious everything was and she didn't need the constant reminder.

“Umm...”

Cosima and Delphine looked across the table. The color had left Alison's face.

“Alright?” Sarah asked.

Alison shook her head, replying to a text on her phone. “It's Beth. She's not making any sense.”

Sarah's eyes quickly darted from Alison to Cosima. “Hey Cos, can you-”

“She knows, Sarah.” Delphine said as Alison pushed the call button and brought the phone to her ear.

“Didn't we say it was better not to tell her?”

Cosima waved her hand. “I'm right here.”

“I am not as comfortable with lying to her as everyone else is.” Delphine protested. “I only just told her this afternoon. She deserved to know.”

“Beth?! Beth what's going on?”

Sarah quickly turned back to Delphine as Alison excused herself from the table. “This isn't over.”

Sarah, Cosima and Delphine followed Alison into the study. “Alison, what's happening?” Sarah asked, closing the door behind them.

Alison shook her head. “I...I...I don't know she's...”

Sarah took the phone and Cosima went to Alison

“Jesus Christ Beth what did you take this time?” Sarah cursed lowly into the phone.

“Where is she? I have access to any number of medications for various drug overdoses at DYAD,” she whispered to Sarah, catching Cosima's eyes as she held her sister tighter and shielded her from the conversation a few steps away.

Sarah looked up at Delphine, her glare turning immediately from one of anger to one of appreciation. “Beth? I'm coming to get you. Where are you?” She shoved the phone at Delphine. “I'm calling Art and going over there. Keep trying to talk to her.”


	29. Out

_Cosima stepped out of the cab nervously clutching her bag to her chest. It had been two years. Two years since Beth called her and turned her entire world upside down. She turned eighteen just before spring break and asked her mother to fly her to Toronto as her birthday gift. Of course she also got Cosima a car, but that was neither here nor there. Her mother wanted to get her a car a year and a half ago, but it took Cosima three times to pass the driving test. The first time she took it she was sixteen and a half, the earliest she could take it. The next time she was seventeen. It wasn’t her fault. Not exactly. She was too busy with schoolwork, science clubs and competitions, preparing for college, and the whole having four sisters she never knew existed business to have the time to dedicate to learning how to drive. Especially when she had a driver and there were buses and the like. But again, that was neither here nor there._

_Even after two years of numerous phone calls, video chats, and probably millions of texts it was still hard for her to believe all of this. Hard to believe she had sisters. Four identical sisters. At least on a cellular level. On the outside they couldn’t be anymore different._

_She got along with Beth the best. They had a similar sense of humor and were both very driven and knew what paths they wanted their lives to take. Cosima's to school for an eventual PhD, and Beth to college for a degree in criminal justice before applying to the police academy. Alison and Cosima clicked on an intellectual level. Both on track to be valedictorians. Helena they had only just found recently and she was unpredictable. No one could get much of anything out of her and then there was Sarah...wild personified. Already dropped out of school and was very rarely not high. Mostly only after she'd been arrested and didn't have access._

_But all four of these girls were a part of her, or she was a part of them? They were a part of each other. Cosima raised a hand to knock just as the door swung open. She couldn't help but stare._

_Beth smiled and ushered her in. “You get used to it.”_

Cosima woke with a start, prompting another round of brutal coughs. It was always worse in the morning. Everything that settled during the night, though how anything was able to settle with the amount of times she was woken up by the need to cough was beyond her, had to come up. She could easily fill three, four, sometimes even five tissues with splatters and clots of varying shades of yellow, green, red and brown.

It was enough to make her need to go back to sleep from the exertion and sheer force of it all, which, she had been doing more of lately. Delphine actually preferred her to come into work late if it meant she was resting, but there was no going back to sleep today.  
  
Beth was doing better. Art got to her just a second after she lost consciousness and her head dipped under the water. He dragged her out of the tub quick and seconds later Sarah was there with a small stash of meds from Delphine's medical bag, and they got her back. She was placed on a seventy-two hour psych hold and was being released today. No one had been allowed to see her in the hospital, but after a tearful phone conversation with all of her sisters Beth agreed to go to rehab. Cosima and Delphine volunteered to drive her.

_Sarah ended the call and looked around at her sisters. “We stick together from now on. If someone isn't doing well, bloody say so! None of this hiding shit or trying to do everything yourself. We're a team.”_

Delphine rubbed slow circles on Cosima's back until the coughing stopped and Cosima's breathing synched up with the motions of her hand. _Breathe in for a circle, breathe out for a circle._ Cosima offered her girlfriend a small smile in thanks before wordlessly heading to the shower.

With a sigh Delphine made the bed and headed downstairs. She judged she had about ten minutes before Cosima finished her shower so she quickly made some tea and cut up some fruit. Just something light she wouldn't have too much trouble convincing Cosima to eat and made her way back upstairs.

Cosima was sitting in a towel on the edge of the bed with a picture frame in her hands. Cosima had a long and tumultuous history with psych wards and hospitals. Even though Beth survived her overdose and was going to get treatment for her hidden addiction to prescription medications and cocaine, Cosima was a wreck. Beth was her sister. She was supposed to notice when her sister was crying out for help.

Delphine set the tray down and cautiously rounded the bed. The past few days had been a whirlwind of emotions for Cosima. One minute she was happily retelling a tale of something fun she and Beth had done or a particularly fond memory, the next she was breaking every plate in the kitchen and throwing glasses across the room. She was barely eating, skipping her medication and when Delphine pressed, she lashed out and things got worse. Cosima's health couldn't handle that so Delphine was walking on eggshells.

As much as she could, Delphine tried not to take anything her girlfriend said or did to heart; tried not to take it personally. Cosima's sister nearly died. Cosima had a close bond with each of her sisters, but there was something...different she had with Beth. Beth was the one to tell Cosima about her sisters, the first point of contact, the gateway to the rest of them. They always had a special bond. As teenagers they bonded over their focus and dedication to their goals, on their abandonment of typical teenage rebellions to focus on future plans.

Beth was always behind Cosima, pushing her when the schoolwork overwhelmed her or her love life was in shambles and Cosima returned the favor, helping Beth train and study for the police entrance exam and later the detective exam, and having the biggest smile on her face when Beth walked across the stage and got her shield. Life had gotten in the way lately and Cosima's illness monopolized everything not leaving much time for any of her sisters and truthfully, Cosima started pulling away from them when she got sick. It got better when she moved to Toronto and then when she and Delphine started searching for the cure, but there was still this wall Cosima kept between each of them.

It may not have even been a conscious thing, but it was there and now Cosima was kicking herself for it. “This was the first time I met them,” she explained, handing Delphine the frame. Delphine couldn't help but smile. Cosima was so young, so full of life with her hair in dreadlocks tied up in a high ponytail wearing a pair of plaid pajama pants and a long sleeved black and grey raglan top with an animated picture of an atom surrounded by 'SCIENCE' above and 'Is my Super Power' below. Sitting on the couch with an arm slung one around Beth, the other around Sarah, and Alison and Helena sitting on the floor in front of them with a massive bowl of popcorn-in Helena’s lap, of course.

They looked like any normal group of sisters having a movie night.

“We clicked instantly, all of us, but Beth...Beth and I...”

“ _Hi, is this Cosima Niehaus?”_

_Cosima briefly contemplated hanging up. She had her own line her friends knew to call so for someone to be asking for her from the main phone line was a bit off, but her curiosity got the better of her. “Uh, yeah.”_

“ _I'm uhh...I saw your picture online for that North American Science something or other competition you were in-”_

“ _Something or other?” Cosima was more than a little offended. She decimated that entire competition. It was impressive for anyone, especially someone years younger than the majority of the competitors, and she deserved the correct recognition. “Who is this?”_

“ _My name is Beth Childs. I'm your sister.”_

“I am so sorry chérie.” Delphine cooed as she gathered Cosima securely in her arms.

Cosima buried her face in her girlfriend's neck, deeply inhaling the lavender and vanilla scent that always filled her with a sense of happiness and comfort. “I don't want you to be sorry,” she sobbed. “I want Beth to be okay.”

“I know.” Delphine soothed gently, holding Cosima close. She resisted the urge to grab for Cosima's medication or the cannula when she started coughing and just held her, handed her a tissue and quietly whispered in French until she calmed down. The last thing she wanted was to set Cosima off again, but she needed her to take her medication. Her life depended on it. “Why don't you eat something. That way you can take your medication.”

Cosima momentarily tensed, but a fight with Delphine for only trying to help would use energy she didn't have to spare. She wasn't a child; she knew she needed to take her meds and right now she needed to be pushed to do so, but she was hurting. She was scared for her sister. A deep-seeded kind of fear that felt like a vice around her chest. And she was scared for herself. Beth nearly dying brought visions of her own mortality. Visions she was nowhere near ready to face.

“You know she's the reason I bought this house. She kept telling me I'd be okay. She believed with everything she had that I'd beat this.”

Delphine smiled softly, handing Cosima her medications. “Prove her right.”

* * *

“I'm sorry.”

“If you _ever_ think about doing anything like that _ever_ again I will kill you myself!”

Cosima and Beth were both crying the moment they wrapped their arms around each other.

After a minute they waved Delphine over, who had been staying by the car giving the sisters their space. At this point she was probably Beth's closest friend outside of her sisters, so of course when she joined them a fresh wave of tears started. Beth was the strongest out of all of them. She took on not only her problems, but her sisters' problems, and all the problems of the city of Toronto. It would do anybody in, but Beth had a whole mess of people around who were there for her. Even if she couldn’t see it.

“Why didn't you say anything? If not to me, to Alison? Or Delphine or Art? Anyone, Beth...”

Beth wiped her face and looked out before turning to Cosima. “You had so much going on-”

“Beth,” Cosima chastised. “I told you before that I am always here for you. If things got this bad, I wasn't the only one dying.”

Beth shook her head. “I thought I could handle it, you know? I thought I could deal with it on my own.”

Cosima looked deep into her sister's blood-shot eyes. Beth was shaking, her eyes shifting from side to side not staying on anything or anyone for too long and she ran her hands up and down her arms as if her skin was crawling. She was in withdrawal. Whatever they wanted to say or discuss could wait. As soon as possible she and Delphine needed to get Beth to the rehab where they could manage her symptoms safely. “Yeah, I get that.”

Even though they were all identical, it still amazed Cosima sometimes how alike they all were. They weren't raised together, but they shared the same genetics. A lot of their personalities were a result of their upbringing, their _nurture_ , but a lot was also their biology too, their _nature._ How long did she try to deal with her disease by herself? How long after she was diagnosed did she keep it from her family? How much did she still try to deal with on her own? They all wanted to deal with their own shit by themselves. She understood Beth all too well.

They brought Beth to the same rehab center Alison went to years ago. Only difference was Beth was in a different ward to detox. A secure ward with medical staff on hand twenty-four hours a day/seven days a week. Beth felt she was signing her life away at the end of it. As the ward was locked down, she wouldn't be free to leave as anyone else in rehab would be. It was an intense withdrawal she was going to go through so they had an intense approach and an intense amount of paperwork.

They were met by a doctor, a nurse, the director of the center and the woman who ran the ward. They all wanted to make sure Beth knew what she was getting into. It wouldn't be fun, or pretty, and she wouldn't be allowed to leave until she was fully detoxed. Once she detoxed, however long that took, she would be transferred to the rehab part of the center. There she would be allowed to leave whenever she chose, if she so chose, but no one had to say how badly they hoped she would stay to complete her treatment. She wouldn't be allowed visitors until she was through the worst of it and the staff were certain she wouldn't put herself or anyone else in danger. “Like a prisoner.” Beth scoffed.

“Yes.” The director agreed, not sugar coating a thing. “Detective, you would have died if your partner didn't get there in time. A few seconds later and you wouldn’t be here to have this conversation.”

“Beth,” Delphine began, gentler. “We will be with you every step of the way. You won't be doing this alone.”

Cosima's chest bloomed with love for her girlfriend. Delphine was such a selfless person. She would do anything to help someone who needed it and was going above and beyond for Cosima and her family. And she was being such an ass to her. They say you treat those you love the most the worst because you know they won't leave. Or you push at those boundaries to see how far you can push them before they do. Cosima wasn't meaning to do any of it, but she couldn't wrap her head around any of this.

Beth had so many people who would be there for her for anything if only she had said something. Cosima didn't know how she hadn't noticed. What kind of a horrible sister was she to not notice things were so bad? She was scared for Beth. Withdrawal was dangerous and she would go through unimaginable hell. She wasn't sure if she thought Beth was strong enough to get through it.

There was a lot going on in her mind. She was mad at Beth for not reaching out, mad at herself for not noticing, scared for her sister, scared for herself. It was impossible to deal with death knocking at the door and not think about your own mortality.

Her hand sought Delphine's, almost on its own, and their fingers laced together with a mouthed, ‘ _I love you.’_

Leaving was much harder than Cosima anticipated. Until she detoxed Beth's room had very little in it and all furniture was bolted to the floor and the walls. There were even bars on the windows.

“It’s like prison.”

“It is the best place for her.” Delphine assured.

Cosima nodded. It was true, she knew that, but that didn't make it any easier. If someone had told her what was going on, maybe she could have prevented this. She could have talked to Beth and gotten her help before it got to this point. She could have tried, at least, but she kept her anger at bay. If anything, it was Beth's fault, but addiction was a terrible disease. The Beth they just left wasn't the Beth they all knew and loved. She was going to go through hell, but soon, hopefully, their Beth would come back to them. “I know. It just sucks.”

“She'll be okay.” The blonde said as they steered the car onto the highway. “She's strong.”

“Yeah, strong enough to land herself in rehab.” Cosima scoffed, looking out the window.

With a sigh Delphine reached for Cosima's hand. “We all need help sometime.”

* * *

The sisters sat quietly around the table along with Felix, Donnie, Siobhan, Delphine and the kids. No one knew what to say. It wasn't a proper family dinner without Beth. The one and only time they attempted one, Beth almost died, so the mood was a little tense.

Cosima moved her fork around the plate, but didn't land on anything. It was impossible not to think of her own mortality after almost losing her sister. Soon enough that would be her sisters getting that call about her. For nearly an hour they all thought Beth was dead. Until Sarah called and told them they were on the way to the hospital and that Beth was alive, but for a short while Cosima saw what death would do to them. What her death would do to her sisters.

There wasn't a guide on how almost losing a sister was supposed to affect you. If there was, Cosima was sure she was hitting every single one of the dos _and_ don'ts, but the fact that she was dying was making everything so much worse. It was forcing her to deal with her own circumstances long before she was ready to and the guilt she felt at not noticing Beth's downward spiral was crushing her.

After the chaos that ensued shortly after Alison’s call, Cosima couldn't imagine her sisters going through that. Couldn't imagine Delphine going through that. Death is always harder on those left behind. They are the ones who have to deal with the aftermath and by that it doesn't mean the funeral arrangements or settling affairs, but they have to then learn to live without this person. Without someone they loved, counted on, needed. They had to go through their days not reaching for the phone and dialing their number, no longer seeing that familiar face at family dinners, no longer having a partner to make _crazy science_ with, never again seeing that face again.

Beth was the one who started this all. She brought all of them together. If not for her they may have never known there were five of them.

“She saved my life.” Cosima wiped her eyes and looked up. “And I was too caught up in my own shit to do the same for her.”

“She's alive.” Siobhan said. “She's a fighter.”

Beth had this way of pushing all of them. She knew they could do things even when they didn't. Even when they were so sure they couldn't. Beth would look at them, tilt her head with that infuriating smirk she had, the one that said she knows more than you do and she's not afraid to let you know, and she would say, “ _You know I'm damn right.”_ And suddenly they could do it because Beth believed in them. She was alive, yes, but it was like they lost her anyway. They wouldn't have the Beth they knew back for quite some time.

“Hey Cos?” Cosima raised a brow in Sarah's direction. “When's the last time you took your meds?”

Cosima's eyes shot a quick glare at her girlfriend before they went back to the food on her plate she was moving around. “This morning.”

“All of them?”

“Enough.”

“And before that?” Sarah pressed.

Cosima turned to Delphine. “Am I a child who needs to be tattled on?”

Wanting to avoid another fight, Delphine excused herself to the restroom.

“Oi, don't talk to her like that.” Sarah said once Delphine was out of view, surprising her sister. “She's trying to save your bloody life Cosima. I can't believe I'm saying this, but she is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't push her away.”

“I don't mean to.” Cosima deflated. Delphine had been amazing the past few days and she was treating her like shit. She was just so mad that Delphine and Alison, Sarah, Siobhan and nearly everyone knew something was going on with Beth and didn't tell her. She was mad and heartbroken and scared and was having a difficult time processing everything she was feeling along with her feelings of wanting to pull Delphine as close as she possibly could then remembering she didn't tell her about her concerns with Beth and wanting to yell until she was blue in the face.  
  
“You know Beth’s her friend. She's our sister, but she's Delphine's friend too. I can't...” Cosima watched sadly as the wild one's eyes filled with tears. “...I can't lose one of us, Cosima. I lived my entire childhood and bloody...adolescence without you. I can’t do it again.”

Cosima looked from her sister's tear-filled eyes around the table at everyone now looking at her, their faces echoing Sarah's words. “Hey...” she said gently. “You haven't lost me.”

“Yet.” Kira added softly from beside her mother. “You're getting sicker and you're not taking your medicine and you...” Kira looked to her mother, not sure if she should continue, but Sarah put her arm around her daughter and nodded. “You're thinking about stopping treatment again. Auntie Cosima I don't want you to die!”

Cosima took a few deep breaths as her heart threatened to beat through her chest. Looking up her eyes immediately met Delphine's that went wide in fear, the blonde frozen across the room. Kira was a very intuitive child. One of these days she would convince Sarah to let her examine the girl and see if there was any scientific reason for what she could do, but for now they all just accepted that Kira somehow knew things. She was the reason Cosima moved to Toronto. Sarah and Siobhan brought her with them to San Francisco for a visit when she was in the hospital. When they'd left to get dinner one night Kira told Cosima that she had to move to Toronto.

“ _Auntie Cosima?”_

“ _Yeah Monkey?”_

“ _Can I tell you something?”_

_Cosima opened her eyes. When Kira asked to tell you something it was usually something she somehow knew with whatever intuitive ability she had. “Of course.”_

“ _You need to leave the hospital.” She looked her aunt square in the eyes. “If you don't, you will die here.”_

_Cosima shifted over in the bed, patting a small space beside her for her niece. When Kira climbed up beside her she put her arms around the girl and took a breath. It was easier now, breathing. She was doing much better than she had been, but she was still dying. “Kira I know your Mom and Mrs. S have talked to you about this, but I'm very sick. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will die.”_

_Kira shook her head and clung to her aunt as tears fell from her eyes. “No! Not if you come to Toronto.”_

At the time Cosima chalked that up to childhood innocence and hope and her niece just wanting her closer, but maybe there was more to it than that. As a scientist she'd always had a hard time believing in this aspect of her niece, but maybe she was right.

Sarah comforted her daughter as best she could. The little girl almost lost one aunt and had an overwhelming feeling she was going to lose another so there was little her mother could do. Delphine returned to her seat, unable to meet her girlfriend's eyes. “If you don't get your head out of your arse and start taking your meds and letting Delphine help, we will lose you.”

“She kept this from me! You _all_ kept this from me.” Cosima began, finally unleashing the anger that had been simmering just below the surface for days. “Just because I'm sick doesn't mean you all get to lie to me. I could have...” She trailed off, not knowing where to go with that or what she realistically could have done. “I didn't know any of this was coming.” It wasn't just that she was angry at them for not telling her, but she felt guilty she hadn't noticed herself. “I didn't see it. I was too wrapped up in my own shit-”

“Important shit.” Felix protested.

“You all lied to me.” Cosima said, her eyes looking at each one of them around the table, narrowing in on her girlfriend. If there was one thing Cosima hated it was being lied to. It stung that they would all keep something this big, this important, from her, but her girlfriend doing it hurt most of all. She was the one person in the world Cosima was supposed to be able to trust and she kept this huge secret. A secret that maybe almost cost Beth her life.

Delphine shook her head. “It wasn't lying-”

“She almost died!” Cosima slammed her hands down on the table. “And _you_ lied to me! If someone would have told me-”

“What?” Sarah asked. “You'd have stopped her?”

“Cosima, we were trying to get her help.” Alison added softly from across the table.

“I don't-”

Siobhan cleared her throat and everyone shut their mouths. “Beth wanted to kill herself,” she said as gently as she could, but still a sob came from Alison before she could cover her mouth with her hand. “You wouldn't have been able to stop her any more than we did. Chicken, this is not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. You all need to stick together. Now more than ever. Don't let your anger at Beth for doing what she did drive a wedge between you.”

Cosima opened and closed her mouth, but finding no words looked down at her hands in her lap and took a couple deep breaths. Her anger was because of a lot of reasons.

Seeing her girlfriend calmer, Delphine reached a tentative hand out. “Cosima-”

“No!” Cosima yanked her hand away. “I could have tried,” she continued, softer. “But now we'll never know because every single one of you kept this from me! She would have talked to me, would have listened to-”

“Cosima this isn’t about you!” Heads snapped to look at Alison. Of all of them this was hitting her the most. They were all sisters, but Beth and Alison were raised together. Growing up they were inseparable. Beth wanted to do soccer, Alison did soccer. Alison wanted to do some play at the community center, Beth did some play at the community center. Even as adults, they studied at the same university, graduated together, and even now they had lunch together at least twice a week. There wasn't a part of each other's lives the other wasn't intimately involved in.

If there was anyone who should be acting like this it wasn't Cosima.

* * *

Delphine's hands tightened on the steering wheel as she looked at Cosima out of the corner of her eye. Neither said a word since they got in the car, not that anyone said much the rest of the meal and the silence was getting to her. “I tried to tell you about Beth. Before we went to San Francisco.”

“ _I went for a run with Beth before work, I told you. Cosima, there's something going on-”_

“ _No, no I know that. I meant...never mind. Look at this.”_  
  
“But that was the morning you discovered Duncan's treatment was destroying the masses and I got so caught up in that and-”

“And then my sister OD'd.” Cosima finished coldly.

“ _I'll convince her.” Beth promised. “I gave her my bone marrow, she owes me.”_

_Delphine laughed, sitting up and wiping her face. “Convince her to take more bone marrow by reminding her she owes you for you giving her some before?”_

_Beth shrugged. “What could go wrong?”_

_All Delphine could do was shake her head. They were so far from where she wanted to be with their understanding of this disease. Three months and they hadn't gotten anywhere. They hadn't learned anything new, hadn't found anything yet that even put a dent in the masses, hadn't managed to get a handle on the symptoms. Delphine felt like she was back in over her head at med school and it was infuriatingly heartbreaking. All she could do was sit there and watch as her girlfriend literally withered in front of her._

“ _Can bone marrow be frozen?”_

“ _It can be stored, yes.”_

“ _How long?”_

“ _Decades.”_

_Beth nodded slowly. “Okay, so we harvest my bone marrow and store it until we can convince her to use it.”_  
  
_Delphine thought a moment. It was a viable option, but it would be better to do a fresh transplant. There really was no reason to store it. “We can wait until she agrees. No point in storing it now. It would be more effective-”_

“ _I might be going undercover soon.” Beth interrupted, watching someone jog past, following them with her eyes until they were out of view. “I don't think I'll be available by the time she agrees.”_

“ _Oh. Okay.” Delphine nodded skeptically. “We can do that.”_

“ _When?”_

_Delphine took in the woman beside her. Her eyes were starting to haze over like she wasn't completely there and she refused to meet Delphine's gaze. “What's going on?”_

“ _When?” Beth demanded. When Delphine shifted a bit away she softened. “For Cosima.”_

_Delphine sighed. Whatever was going on with Beth would have to wait. “This afternoon? Cosima has an MRI at 3:30. I'll be free.”_

They slipped back into silence the rest of the way home. Once they were home Cosima plopped herself down on the couch and Delphine went into the kitchen, rejoining Cosima with her medication. Seeing yet another glare on her girlfriend's face, Delphine sighed. She really shouldn't have hoped her family's pleas would have made a difference. “Don't fight me on this. You know it's important.”

“I don't need a doctor right now, Delphine. I need my girlfriend.” Cosima explained, grabbing the pill bottles and throwing them across the room, not caring in the least as they broke open and scattered pills everywhere. “If you can't separate the two, if you can't just... _be_ with me outside of work, or when my sister almost _dies,_ without bringing the doctor along too, then you need to leave.”

Delphine took a few deep breaths, telling herself that this wasn't her Cosima. Cosima was dealing with a pain so great she was lashing out. She knew Beth's brush with death would force Cosima to think of her own mortality. Cosima was sad and scared and confused so she was pushing Delphine away even though they both knew that was the last thing the brunette wanted. Cosima felt like everyone left her. Her father, her mother, her grandmother, Shay, Beth...Delphine needed to show her she wasn't going to leave her too.

“Your life depends on me being your doctor, Cosima, but I'm not going anywhere either-”

“I'm still me, Delphine! Sometimes it feels like you forget that and you only see the science.”

“You are the science Cosima.”

Goosebumps rose over Cosima's skin as her heart fell. It was inevitable that this would monopolize a good portion of their relationship, but more often than not she felt like their doctor-patient relationship followed them home. This wasn't just about Beth. This was about something that had been simmering just below the surface for a while. The days of just basking in the two of them were long gone. It was inevitable. There was so much at stake. Cosima's life was literally hanging in the balance. “This is exactly why I didn't want treatment Delphine.” One of the reasons. There were many. “I didn't want to become a test subject again. Jesus, before we went to California I can't even remember the last time we had sex. I'm still me! I'm not dead yet and I expected more from you.”

“More?” Delphine asked incredulously. Her guilt over everything Cosima was saying was overrun by her anger in the moment. “What more can I give you? I spend every waking moment working to save your life-”

“I need my girlfriend too! I need to see you when I first open my eyes in the morning, not a cold and empty bed, so the first thing I think about isn't the fact that I'm running out of time. I need you to sit with me and laugh about...stupid shit that doesn't mean anything and yet means _everything._ I need you to touch me and remind me that I'm still alive. I need you to look at me like I'm the only thing you see. Me! Not the science.” Turning back to the blonde Cosima couldn't help the tears slowly falling down her face or her voice from breaking. “I need my girlfriend, Delphine. I know you are doing all of this because you love me and I will never be able to thank you, but I need you too. Just you.”

Moments passed without either saying anything and with a deep seeded sorrow in her eyes, Cosima dropped Delphine's gaze and shrugged.

Delphine shook her head. How could she do what Cosima was asking of her? Her skills as a doctor were what was going to save Cosima's life. Surely the brunette understood that? Understood that their relationship had to take a backseat for the time being so they could find a way out, but that there would be plenty of time for them to be together after. Her eyes locked on her girlfriend's just a few yards away and her heart fell. Cosima was already counting on there not being an after. That was why she was pushing this so hard. She expected to die.

“Cosima...” Delphine began, trailing off. Her mouth opened and closed, but no thoughts came to her mind nevermind out of her mouth.

“Just get out Delphine. I need my girlfriend. Let me know when you find her.”


	30. Everything Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love. And be loved in return.' - eden ahbez  
> 'A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth - with the fire dead, the laughter stilled and the light extinguished.' - Frank Tebbets  
> This chapter should give some insight into Cosima and why she is acting how she's acting. She really is in an impossible spot. She has been internalizing everything for so long that it was only a matter of time until it came out. It will be a bumpy ride, but I have faith in her. I also want to thank everyone for sticking with me. I had no idea when I started that it would be this long! But I am in the process of wrapping it all up. I keep hearing Sarah in my ear, “finish this shit!” I only have 7 more chapters to write and then this trip is officially over. It will be bittersweet.

Three days.

Three long days.

Three days of not talking to her sisters, not talking to Felix or Siobhan. Three days of skipping work. Three days of no Delphine; not talking to her or seeing her, not so much as a text. But, the first three days in a while that Cosima took all her meds. Faithfully, as prescribed. Kira's words at least had that effect. Her cell hadn't made any noise in over eighty four hours. Not one call or text from anyone. Three days of this self-imposed isolation had given Cosima a lot of clarity and she knew she had some apologies to make.

“You do realize that was a dick move, right?” Sarah asked as she handed Cosima a beer and plopped down beside her sister on the couch, taking a generous swig from her own bottle as she did.

Cosima looked down at the bottle in her hands, at the amber colored liquid inside. She had never been particularly fond of beer, but wine wasn't something Sarah or Siobhan regularly kept in the house. A drink was a drink at this point so it would have to do. She had shown up without warning or an invitation, so... Looking up at her sister she saw her clearly waiting for an answer. “I'm aware, yeah.”

Sarah shook her head. “You're being a twat. Call your bloody girlfriend,” she said, using her nearly empty beer bottle to gesture at her sister. “And apologize to Alison.”

Sarah was right. Sarah always seemed to be right. Since the diagnosis her sisters had cut her all sorts of slack and overlooked a lot they shouldn't necessarily have had to, but she definitely crossed the line this time.

Apologizing to her sisters should be easy. They were family. Eventually they had to forgive her. They knew how Cosima acted when she was hurt as they all acted much in the same. They push people away. Usually they didn't put up with it from one another, but they'd never been in this type of situation before.

Thankfully there was traffic on the drive to Alison's, giving Cosima time to collect and organize her thoughts. Alison let her into the house without a word and the two sat down at the kitchen table much in the same. It was only after Alison pulled a bottle of wine out from the back of a cabinet and poured Cosima a drink that the silence was broken. “Ali, I'm-”

Alison held her hand up and Cosima stopped, doing a quick once-over of her sister to make sure her outburst the other day, or the situation with Beth, hadn't damaged her sister's sobriety. Aside from having a hidden bottle of wine that was already halfway gone, she appeared sober. “Why Cosima?”

All Cosima could do was look down at her hands and shake her head. It wasn't that she didn't know. The past few days had given her a very clear insight into her actions, but she didn't particularly want to share. Knowing was one thing. Voicing the explanation to someone else was another.

“This isn't like you. That...outburst at dinner, not talking to anyone for days. Cos...”

Cosima lifted her gaze at the use of her nickname. Alison almost never called her Cos.

“Beth hid a lot of things. From me, from you, from all of us, probably even from herself. She was hurting and too stubborn to let anyone help. I will not accept that anymore. Not from you, and not from Sarah or Helena.”

Cosima saw the pain written on her sister's face clear as day and the last of her resolve crumbled at her feet. “I'm scared,” she began, finally voicing the feelings that had been threatening to drown her for months. This wasn't necessarily news, but Beth's brush with death brought thoughts and feelings of her own mortality to the surface she couldn't continue to ignore. “Beth's overdose...it made me think about my mortality. It's not just me, you know? It's all of us. Thinking she was dead for that hour and then not knowing how she was doing when she was in the hospital showed me how hard losing one of us is on everyone else. I felt something like what you all will feel when I die and it just...” Her hands stilled in front of her, wrapping around the bottom of her wine glass instead as she searched for the right thing to say. After a minute she realized there was no right thing. Just the truth.

“It scared me,” she shrugged. “I don't want any of you to feel that when I'm gone, but I don't think I can do anything to stop it. I'm scared that no matter how hard I fight it won't be enough and you guys are gonna lose a sister for real. I'm scared to have hope when everything is pointing to us not finding a cure. I'm scared to die.” A shaky hand brought the wine glass to her lips. “I'm scared of what will happen to me after this. Scared for all of you, scared...scared for Delphine. If this is how I feel because I wasn't able to see what was happening to be able to do _something_ , I can't imagine how Delphine will feel knowing she was able to see what was happening and tried all of the somethings she could think of, but it wasn't enough.”

Cosima looked out the window. It was dark and grey outside; a cold, overcast day. Fitting, given the circumstances. With guilt squeezing her insides making her feel physically ill, Cosima continued, hoping that if she got everything out, finally voiced her thoughts and feelings, that it would make her feel better and show her sister where she was coming from. It was unfair for this all to come out when it did, but it was long overdue and Beth's overdose just made these issues too much for her to ignore any longer. “I'm scared I'm going to die and this is it,” she shrugged. “These next few months or whatever are all I have. I wanted to spend what time I had left doing something meaningful, but now I'm just...stuck in a lab until I'm too sick to be useful.”

“You love the lab.” Alison reminded her.

“I do.” Cosima smiled briefly, looking up. “But it's not what I want my last days to consist of, you know? I want-”

“To do something meaningful.” Alison finished. “Cosima, someday someone else is going to get sick like this. If you keep fighting, if you let Delphine help you, you could find a cure saving not only yourself, but countless others. Or...” Alison took a deep breath, trying to keep her own emotions down. The thought of losing one of them was too much right now, the pain from Beth still too raw. “Even if it isn't in time to save you...maybe sometime down the road when there's new technologies or something, someone will build off of your research and find a cure. Or Delphine will. You know even...even if she can't save you she will keep going until she finds a cure and when she does it will be because of you. Because of your research. Because of her love for you pushing her forward. Isn't that meaningful? Isn't that your dream?”

Cosima opened and closed her mouth.

“ _Cosima it's time to go darling.”_

_Cosima looked up at her grandmother as the crowd moved further and further away._

“ _You can go talk to him you know?”_

_“But he's not there.”_

_“Cosima,” Her grandmother began, guiding the little girl closer. “Your father's spirit will always be with you. You can tell him anything. Come find me when you're ready to leave.” With a gentle kiss on a tear-streaked cheek, Cosima's grandmother followed the crowd down the hill._

_Cosima slowly walked closer to the casket, her hand gently brushing a flower petal. “Daddy? . .” Cosima looked down at the flowers covering where she knew her father was lying. At only nine she didn't fully understand, and wouldn't fully understand what all of this meant for years to come, but she knew enough. Enough to know that everything would change. Enough to know that whatever illness took her father had changed so many people's lives forever. Enough to know there was a hole in her heart that would never be filled. “I think I know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm going to be a scientist.” Cosima knew nothing would ever be the same again and she would grow into a completely different person._

Maybe this differen _t person was who she was meant to be, or maybe not. Maybe if her father had lived, something else would have happened to turn her into this person. Maybe this was the path meant for her all along. Or maybe her path was just changed and meant to be was bullshit._

_Maybe, with his guidance, she would have pursued her love of writing and become an author or an editor or a literary professor, but everything would be different now. Science had always been something that interested her and that she excelled in, but not something she really went out of her way to experience. Not like writing. There was something about the written word that pulled Cosima in since she was old enough to pull books off a shelf. Forgetting reality and dropping herself head first into another world was unlike anything she ever knew. She could sit for hours reading; transporting herself to another place and time, creating her own world. But she had a new purpose now, a new passion. “I'm going to save people.”_

Alison saw the look on Cosima's face and nodded, a tear falling down her cheek. Cosima wasn't crying. It was almost a relief to finally voice the thoughts trapped so long in her head. They didn't quite have the power when spoken out loud that they did trapped inside her mind. Almost as if letting them out took away their power.

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love.” Alison said, reaching a hand out to cover Cosima's. “And be loved in return. You want meaningful? There is no greater meaning.”

Cosima sighed. _Delphine._ Alison would forgive her. It was her and Delphine's relationship she was worried about. Delphine had no reason to stay and, in fact, every reason to leave. And that was before Cosima kicked her out of _their_ home. Sarah was right. Serious dick move there.

She didn't know where Delphine was staying. She assumed in the lab. Wouldn't be the first time in her years there that the blonde had done just that, but the couple changes of clothes she quickly packed would have run out by now.

“A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth-”

Cosima smiled sadly. “With the fire dead, the laughter stilled and the light extinguished.”

“Frank Tebbets. He was a smart man.”

“Yeah.” Cosima nodded. She doubted he had to deal with all of this though and briefly wondered if his mindset would have changed if he had. Would such a high emphasis still be placed on love if time was running out? If it meant leaving another person in pain? Or would that be the only thing any emphasis would be put on?

As if reading her thoughts, Alison slowly nodded and gave her hand a comforting squeeze. “You can't just give up on someone because the situation isn't ideal. Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems. They're great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work. Even if it's only for a little while,” she offered her sister a small smile. “We're okay Cosima. Go get your girl.”

Everything changes, Cosima thought as she turned her car back toward Toronto. She went from having two parents, to having her grandmother, then having her mother back again. She went from being an only child to being one of five. Her passion turned from words to science. Her hair went from curly to dreadlocks to nonexistent to curly again. She went from being an American to being an American in Canada. She went from pushing everyone away and being adamant about not wanting a relationship to feeling physical pain with every day that went by without the love of her life by her side.

And she would do everything she could to turn her disease from a death sentence to a bad memory.

As she turned into the DYAD parkade she dialed Delphine's number. It rang, but went right to voicemail. “Hey Delphine. Uh...can you answer? Or call me back or...something...I'm at DYAD now, but if you're not here I don't know where else you could be. It's been three days and you haven't come home...” She ended the call, leaving it at that. The apology she owed her girlfriend, hopefully still her girlfriend, couldn't be done via voicemail. Even though she kicked her out, she hadn't expected Delphine not to come back. She got rid of her apartment, their house was where she lived so Cosima just assumed come night she would have come back, even if she just slept in the guest room, but she didn’t.

If she wasn't at the lab Cosima didn't know where to look for her. Luckily it was just nearing four and it was a work day so even if Delphine hadn't been sleeping in the lab, she should be there working. Which was more than Cosima could say for herself...

It took a few minutes to get through security and get to their lab, but once she did she really wished she hadn't bothered. The apology she'd been working on shattered when she opened the door and came face to face with her girlfriend. . . and their boss. They didn't notice her. Or maybe Leekie did as his hands on Delphine's hips pulled her closer, but Delphine's back was to her. Even though she couldn't see exactly, with Leekie's eyes closed and the angles of their heads and their proximity, there was only one thing they could be doing.

Without a word she turned on her heel and walked back out of the lab.

“Cosima!”

Cosima stopped with her hand still on the door. Coughing softly she forced herself to take a few deep breaths. Both to prevent more coughing and to force her rage and heartbreak down, before turning around.

Delphine was immediately at her side, reaching for her hand, but Cosima yanked it away. “Cosima it's not-”

“Ms. Niehaus.” Leekie drawled with a smirk Cosima wanted nothing more than to smack right off his face. Should have sicked Helena on him when she had the chance. Actually, there was nothing stopping her now and, depending on what he had to say, when she left she just might. “I was just giving Delphine the results of the tests we ran on your sister's bone marrow. I know she's donated to you in the past, but we like to run our own tests and she is, in fact, a perfect match for you. We had to filter it, of course. There were numerous substances in it. I am truly sorry to hear about her troubles.”

Cosima's eyes immediately locked on her girlfriend's, completely ignoring their boss's fake apology. “What bone marrow?” She demanded.

Delphine held her eyes, but guilt radiated off her body in thick waves. “Before we left for San Francisco Beth made me t-”

“ _Made_ you?” Cosima asked incredulously.

“She wanted to.”

“But _I_ didn't want her to. You had no right to tell her that was even an option when I specifically told you it wasn't.”

Delphine sighed, finally looking away. They had this argument already. Cosima didn't want to do another transplant, nevermind harvest her sister again to do it, and Delphine plead to let her let Beth make the decision.

Leekie cleared his throat before crossing the lab. “I'll leave you to it.”

Cosima shot daggers at his back when he brushed by her until the elevators closed behind him, taking him out of sight. Then she turned back to her girlfriend with a new fire in her eyes. “You had _no_ right.”

Knowing this conversation was better done in private, Delphine pulled Cosima into the lab and shut the door.

Cosima was seeing so many shades of red. She was ready to apologize, but now with kissing Leekie and hiding the fact that she harvested Beth when Cosima told her not to even mention the concept of a transplant to her sister, Cosima was livid. Even though this blurring of the line between doctor and girlfriend was the exact reason she hadn't seen the blonde in three days, it was the lip lock with their boss that brought the tears to her eyes.

“Mon amour-”

Cosima jerked away from her girlfriend's touch as if it were acid. “Don't touch me!” Looking up at her girlfriend as she put more distance between them, Cosima's heart fell to the floor. “I am so stupid....I'm just a subject to you. Do you get a bonus for sleeping with me too? I bet it would help with the data, right? You can thoroughly monitor my symptoms and progress, or lack thereof.” Putting her arm up to her mouth as she coughed, Cosima shook her head. “I should have known.”

It made sense now, why she couldn't have two minutes alone with her girlfriend lately. Because she was too busy being her monitor twenty-four/seven. With the exception of San Francisco, Cosima had to admit she couldn't recall the last time they had even had sex. It was probably going on a month. As she got sicker with each passing day, Delphine the girlfriend faded into Delphine the doctor.

That wasn't what she needed or wanted with what time she had left. She needed her doctor, of course, but her girlfriend was the one who was going to help her through this. “You were kissing him Delphine! He had his hands on you!”

“He was kissing me, Cosima!” Delphine pleaded, taking a tentative step closer to the brunette. When Cosima didn't move away, she took another. “I did not initiate it or reciprocate. Like it or not he is our boss and if we want to find a cure, we need him.”

“Yeah, well maybe I don't want to find a cure anymore.” Yet again Cosima found herself thrown into the battle between her heart and her brain. With Beth's almost death there was no way she couldn't give every ounce of everything she had in her to try and find a cure to her disease. Her family needed her to survive. She couldn't imagine any of them going through anything like this again, and there was so much she wanted to be there to see and experience. Her mind was telling her that it wasn't her time yet, but her heart . . . her heart had just been ripped from her chest and stomped on. With a very sexy tan knee-high boot, but stepped on nonetheless. The only way to find a cure was with Delphine's help and thus Leekie's.

Delphine stopped in her tracks, her body turning to ice.“You don't mean that.” That was not an option.

Cosima took a deep breath, expanding her lungs as far as they could go. She would like to say the emotional mess she'd been for the past few days was taking it's toll, but it was just the disease. It was aggressive and fast and sometimes it felt like she got worse with every passing hour. “I don't know if it's worth having to deal with this.”

“You don't know if your _life_ is worth it?” Delphine asked in disbelief. She would be the first to admit that she hadn't been the best girlfriend lately, but since San Francisco and getting back to experiencing the simplicity of her and Cosima just being together, she vowed to make more of an effort. Then Cosima had a seizure and ended up in the hospital and she realized her role in Cosima's life was to save it. If in the process of saving her life their relationship fell apart then so be it. Her life was worth more than their relationship, but Delphine hoped Cosima would see things from her side. If she saved Cosima now there would be all the time in the world for their relationship later.

But Cosima didn't see things in terms of now and later. There was only now in her world because she was so sure, for the second time in her life, that this disease was going to kill her and she didn't want to waste what time she had left.

With Cosima momentarily distracted by another spasm of her lungs, Delphine closed the distance between them and softly cupped her girlfriend's face in her hands. “Cosima, your life is worth everything.”

“Worth you and Leekie?” Cosima scoffed, moving away from Delphine once again. “I don't think so.”

“Mon dieu Cosima I am not with him!” Delphine said loudly, turning away and bracing her hands on a cold metal table. “This is no different than when I saw Shay kissing you, but even if I was, yes. Yes, your life would be worth that. But I...I am with you,” she said softly.

Cosima raised an eyebrow. “Are you?”

Delphine turned away. This was not the Cosima she knew. Cosima was hurting and scared and the doctor didn't blame her one bit, but she had always been there for her and for Cosima to be doubting her devotion to her was cruel.

“All I know,” Cosima began. “Is that I asked you not to mention another transplant to my sister and not to keep things from me and not to mother me twenty-four/seven and to just be my girlfriend sometimes. Not all of the time. I'm not an idiot I know I need you as my doctor if I want to live, but you can't even be my girlfriend when we're in bed at night, Delphine. Everything I've asked you to do you went and did the exact opposite of.”

“For you!” Delphine protested. “Everything I've done has been for you.”

“It wasn't what I wanted!”

“No.” Delphine admitted sadly, still amazed Cosima could doubt her after everything. “It was what you needed.”

Cosima looked up at her girlfriend and stopped. How had everything fallen apart so quickly? A week ago they were moving Delphine into her house and all of her sisters were there and Delphine was there and they were in love and completely wrapped up in one another and everyone was happy.

Then Beth tried to kill herself with a cocktail of antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood stabilizers and cocaine and everything fell apart.

Maybe things had been falling apart for a while and she just didn't notice. Beth wouldn't be an addict because of one bad day. She wouldn't have kicked Delphine out over one single argument. She wouldn't feel that her entire world fell apart seeing someone else kissing her girlfriend if she knew their relationship was solid and trusted that Delphine didn't want it.

Death is always harder on those you leave behind...This illness, Beth's overdose, the constant mothering and refusal to leave the doctor at the door by a wonderfully amazing woman she was head over heels for her...it all just combined into this perfect storm of emotions that Cosima was drowning in with no idea how, or even if she wanted, to find her way to the surface.

The biggest issue was her illness. None of this would be affecting her so strongly if she wasn't staring straight into the cold, dark eyes of her own mortality. If she wasn't wrestling with the demons in her mind, the demons that told her her sisters and her girlfriend would all fall apart if she died and to push them away now so it would hurt them less. Back to her thoughts from months ago she thought she got over.

But everything changes. And everything stays the same. No one tells you how to deal with any of this. Maybe self-harm was another genetic trait. It wasn't all that long ago that Sarah was been a junkie, nearly selling her own daughter for a fix before Mrs. S stepped in and took custody of Kira and cut Sarah off, forcing her to clean-up her act. Alison was still chanting the ‘ _one day at a time’_ motto from her own recovery, keeping a stash of wine and pills in various locations around the house “ _just in case_.” Helena cut herself, constantly adding more detail to the wings she spent years carving into her back. Beth took handfuls of pills and lines of coke and passed out in the tub only to be found by her partner with a mere second to spare.

Then there was Cosima. Her self-harm wasn't as obvious. She enjoyed her wine, but never went to excess. Smoked pot, but never even dabbled in pills or anything harder. She preferred to destroy herself emotionally; internalizing all the pain she was feeling until she exploded.

She would take one issue such as her girlfriend, who she knew loved her with her whole heart, being too much of a doctor at home, even though she knew deep down that her being a doctor was the only way she would survive, and turn it into a negative. A, 'if Delphine really loved me she would stop' even though realistically she knew that the harder Delphine pushed, the more it showed her love.

She would pull away from those she loved and needed most in the world until she was completely isolated and then blame them for it. She felt all alone, but the reality was that she hadn't been alone a single day in a long, long time.

Pushing people away wasn't a conscious thing she did, but being alone was what she knew. It was where she retreated when things got tough even if she did it on a subconscious level. There hadn't been any one person in her life who had always been there so she learned early on in her life not to rely on anyone, not to need anyone. Independent to a fault through no fault of her own, so when she needed people the most she pushed and pulled away even though that was the last thing she wanted. It was what she knew.

It was a hard lesson learned at a young age and no one ever taught her otherwise. She would push those that remained away until it broke everyone involved.

Cosima was drowning and refusing all the hands reaching down to help her.


	31. I'm Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of channeled my inner Sarah Manning at the end of 5x10 here for a part of this.

Delphine watched Cosima leave. It wasn't five minutes later that she shook herself and gathered her things. Cosima clearly didn't know what was best for herself, but Delphine did. The brunette would keep pushing until she thought Delphine couldn't take it anymore, but Delphine needed to show her no amount of pushing would make her leave. She was in this for the long haul. Deep down Cosima loved her. She just couldn't see anything except her pain right now, but when things calmed down, when _she_ calmed down, she would look around and see who was still there and Delphine would be damned if she wasn't.

Unfortunately Leekie was waiting for her in the lobby. Because why would the universe want to do her a _solid,_ as Cosima had once explained to her? “Delphine. We were in the middle of something.”

“The hell we were!” Delphine yanked her arm away, but at seeing the people all around them, stepped closer to her boss and lowered her voice. “I have been telling you for _years_ that there is nothing between us and you kept pushing. I dealt with it, but now you know I have a girlfriend, that I am _with_ Cosima and still you...” Taking a deep breath, Delphine lowered her voice again. Without meaning to she had gotten louder to the point where people weren't being shy about staring. “I love her. If this doesn't stop, I have enough dirt on you to destroy your career and if _anything_ happens to me or Cosima to stop me from doing just that, someone has a file on you that will make its way to a number of individuals you really don't want to have that information.”

Quickly glancing around the foyer Delphine made sure no one was looking or worse, that Leekie already had security on standby, and gave her boss a final threat. For his part he did look genuinely concerned which filled Delphine with a twisted sense of accomplishment. “You better hope I can fix this.”

* * *

Cosima was sitting on the couch when Delphine got home, a glass with barely a splash of wine left was  in her hand. There was another full glass on the far end of the coffee table.

Slowly and quietly Delphine hung her jacket and set her bags down before making her way over. She picked up the glass clearly left there for her, but remained standing not entirely sure what to expect.

Cosima sighed and looked up. “You can sit.”

Delphine nodded and sat on the couch a cushion away and took a generous drink of her wine. Then another. It was hard to get a read on Cosima. She seemed calm, maybe even resigned. Definitely sad, but she was so all over the place that Delphine knew better than to count on that lasting too long. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Cosima brought the wine bottle up from under the coffee table and refilled both their glasses.

“What was he doing there?” Cosima's voice was quiet, calm. There was no longer any anger. There wasn't anything. Delphine almost thought she preferred the anger.

“I needed to speak with him. I was trying to convince him to let us use the private jet to go to Paris.” The meeting with Duncan was for a case they were technically working on for DYAD, even though it was Cosima's disease, and Delphine knew a long flight would be tough on Cosima so she was trying to make it as comfortable as possible.

Cosima sighed. As angry as seeing what she did made her, deep down she knew Delphine's feelings for Leekie were more or less on par with her own. It had to be hard for the blonde to ask anything of their boss given their history, but even in the middle of a fight Delphine was still putting her first. Cosima knew Delphine loved her and would never cheat, least of all with _creepy Leekie,_ but even if Delphine didn't welcome the attention, that image was now seared into Cosima's brain.

“He treats me like a subject, Delphine. I know I'm the science, but that's _all_ I am to him. At least with you I knew I was always more than that.”

“Knew?” Surely she meant she _knows._ Delphine looked at her girlfriend until she looked up and met her eyes. Had she been so focused on the science that she completely overlooked Cosima? Did she already break the promise she made to her mother in San Francisco? When was the last time they really had sex? Dinner together? When was the last time she woke up with Cosima tucked snug and happy in her arms? They had an amazing few days in California before Cosima had a seizure, but before that how long had it been since she and Cosima acted like a normal couple...? As she searched her memory she realized it had been longer than it should have. Not terribly long, but with someone who was looking at life as already being on borrowed time, it was too long. How could she have let this happen?

In her mind the ends justified the means. If she worked hard now then she would find a cure and Cosima would live and she could make everything up to her then. If she didn't, then Cosima would die. Even if Cosima was happier, she would die. She hadn't counted on it causing such a rift or resentment between them. But, if the endgame was the same, if Cosima lived, Delphine would rather she live without her than die with her.

Cosima took a breath and sighed. “I'm not sure what to think anymore.”

“Cosima stop!” Delphine spoke with a volume and a tone she didn't recognize. That was enough. She loved Cosima and Cosima loved her and right now nothing else mattered. This pain wasn't worth it. If the day came that she could tell Cosima truly no longer wanted to be with her, no longer loved her, she would leave. She would keep working on the cure if they hadn't found it yet, but she would go if that was what Cosima really wanted. Right now, at least, she knew it wasn't. Cosima was scared and her default was to retreat into herself and push everyone else away.

Cosima told herself it was because it would be easier for everyone else, but nothing was easy about being pushed away from someone you love. It made everything worse for all parties involved and it ended now. Cosima's chin began to quiver and Delphine set their glasses down so she could take Cosima's hands in her own, but before she could Cosima all but fell into her arms. “Enough of this,” she spoke softly. “Nothing you do could make me leave you. Please stop trying. I can't-”

Tears spring from Cosima's eyes as her stubborn resolve crumbled at her feet. It was enough. Her days were numbered and Delphine loved her. If anything Delphine had shown her recently it was that when she said she wouldn't leave, she meant it. All the fear she carried every day would probably never go away, but the fear of Delphine leaving should. It was time to stop pushing her away. When things got tough Cosima knew she pushed people away. She also knew what she really wanted to do was pull them closer and in order to do that she had to just stop. “I'm sorry. I'm such an asshole. I don't know what I'm doing-”

Tears of relief ran down Delphine's cheeks as she held her girlfriend in her arms. Cosima cried for a long while. Cried for Beth, cried for herself, cried for her other sisters and Delphine, cried for the life she had and the one she didn't know if she would. Her anger was finally fading into the emotions they were supposed to be and she let herself feel all of them. It wasn't fun, or pretty. Delphine was met with no resistance when she put the cannula over her love's ears when the tears and sobbing left her gasping for breath. “I love you so much. I never meant-”

“I know.” Delphine soothed, cupping the brunette's face and wiping the tears with her thumbs before bringing their lips together in a gentle kiss. She was hurt too and angry, and rightfully so, but Cosima was too. Delphine could see in her eyes that the brunette was broken. There would be time for them to talk about this later. Right now she wanted to put this entire fight in the past and move forward. Always forward.

 

Cosima’s nose scrunched at the familiar smell. “I thought you quit?”

Delphine sighed. Of course Cosima would smell it on her. Why she thought changing her jacket would prevent that she didn’t know. Cosima had a nose like a bloodhound. Any little change, scent or otherwise, the brunette knew. It wasn’t like cigarettes smelled like roses. She meant to get a mint or something, but in her haste to leave the lab she forgot. “I did.”

“You were doing so well...” The guilt hit Cosima right in the center of her chest. It was her fault. “I'm sorry.”

Delphine gently brushed the back of her fingers over Cosima's cheek. “It was only one.”

“But it's my fault.”

“Your sister almost died, Cosima. And you are very sick. I understand. I'm scared too,” she admitted quietly. “I can't lose you Cosima.”

Reversing their positions, Cosima took Delphine in her arms as she cried. As hard as all of this was for her, she knew it was just as hard for Delphine. Just in a different way. Yet another reason she resisted this relationship for as long as she did. The last thing she wanted was for Delphine to experience that kind of pain. Watching the one you love die was a special kind of hell. Especially when you were working as hard as you were to save her but the answers always seemed just out of reach. Knowing you had the ability and the access and equipment to save the love of your life and not being able to must be excruciating for her. Delphine saved all these people, but so far couldn't save the one who truly mattered. She wasn't making it any easier for her either. When she should be pulling the doctor close she was pushing her away, her words and actions cutting like a knife. “I love you so much Delphine. I never wanted this for you.”

Delphine looked up at Cosima through unshed tears. With a sob she reached forward and took Cosima's face in her hands, bringing their lips together in what must have been the most heartbreaking kiss of either of their lives.

When they parted Cosima rested her forehead against her girlfriend's. “I've already lost so much because of this. I don't want to lose you too.” She didn't honestly know why Delphine stayed. If someone pushed her away like this she wasn't sure she would have the strength to stay, but Delphine did. She needed to trust she wasn't going anywhere. "I am so sorry."

“Me too.” Delphine sniffed. “I got so wrapped up in the science. I thought the harder I pushed, the faster we would get results, but in the process I lost sight of you, of us. You will never lose me mon amour.”

“Promise?”

Delphine nodded. “I promise.” Delphine pulled Cosima's lips to her own in what was meant to be a quick kiss to bring some sort of comfort to them both, however, with them feeling the strain of their separation, it quickly escalated.

“I've missed you.” Cosima said when they broke apart so that she could remove the cannula. Delphine watched as the thin tubes were set aside, but didn't say anything. Trust was a two way street. Cosima was trusting her with her heart and her life, so she needed to trust that if Cosima truly needed it, or anything, she would use it or ask for help. “Not just the past few days, but-”

Delphine nodded. She knew. “Show me.”

Cosima moaned as Delphine's lips moved to her neck, leaning her head to the side to give her girlfriend better access. “Yeah, I...wait, no no, stop.”

Delphine immediately pulled away. “What's wrong. Do you not want-”

“Oh no, I _want_ ,” Cosima assured her. “But I have to explain first.”

“You don't have to explain anything.”

“I do,” she protested, taking Delphine’s hands from her face and holding them in her own. “You have been nothing but patient with me and I’ve been a complete dick. You...You stayed. Even after I was so horrible to you.” Not physically, no, but yet after she pushed and pushed and pushed here Delphine was. Even when they were apart Delphine was still proving her loyalty just for Cosima to push her away again.

Delphine shrugged. “Je t'aime.” The way she said those two words were so casual yet so incredibly heavy. Love was both one of the easiest things in the world and the hardest, but the way Delphine spoke made it seem effortless while also being heavily weighted. Delphine spoke like it was just something that was through no fault or actions of their own. After all this time they’d learned that it pretty much was. Despite them both fighting it, their love was just there. That didn’t mean they didn’t have to fight for it or that it was easy to keep. Quite the opposite, but it was there.

Cosima smiled, her eyes glassing over again. She never told Delphine any of this. Any of her feelings about anything other than her really, but she deserved to know. The blonde proved she wasn't going anywhere it was up to Cosima to do the same. “I'm scared, Delphine. I'm trying to … believe we will find a cure, but I don't know what there’s left for us to try. Without a cure...I love you so much and the thought of leaving you is-”

“Shhh...shhh mon amour, tout ira bien.”

“But what if it isn't? What if I die?”

Delphine shook her head and swallowed the lump in her throat. The respect she had for Cosima was too much for her to lie to her. That wasn't what her girlfriend was looking for. As much as it broke her heart, this was a real possibility she had to consider. How was she supposed to put into words the deep, soul paralyzing fear she felt every time the lead they were pursuing fizzled out? How could she accurately explain how her heart stopped every time Cosima struggled for breath? How could she tell the woman before her that the thought of a life without her, of being forced to finish her walk on this planet without her soulmate, made her physically sick. It was beyond anything Delphine ever expected or thought possible.

She looked her girlfriend in the eyes. “I will be there,” she assured resolutely. “No matter what.” Cosima looked at her expectantly. “And I will keep working to find a cure so that no one else has to die like this.”

Cosima lept forward, wrapping her arms back around the blonde and locking their lips together. Better to turn her sadness into passion than anger and if fucking the pain away was how she coped, so be it. They were both hurting and needed this, needed each other. “I'm such an idiot.”

“I'm not going to argue with you there.” Delphine agreed with a chuckle, guiding Cosima's face lower on her neck.

With a final kiss Cosima pulled away. “I'm not sure that I know how to be . . . happy anymore. I don't trust...anything. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, something...bad to happen.”

Delphine nodded, guiding Cosima to fully straddle her lap rather than the uncomfortable looking half-straddle she had going on. As she ran her hands up and down Cosima's thighs she looked her girlfriend straight in the eye, swearing that for the first time she could see her soul. While Delphine knew she tried, it always felt that Cosima was holding something back from her, but now there was nothing. There were no more walls between them. “You have been through so much ma chérie,” she began, bringing her hand to caress the side of the brunette's face. “Feeling like that is perfectly natural. But you can trust me. If you trust nothing else, trust me. Trust our love. I will never leave you.”

A part of her mind clicked that perhaps Cosima was spiraling into depression. Wouldn't be unexpected given her circumstances, but things were so fragile between them right now that that thought would have to wait. She would keep an eye on her. Things like depression were proving more and more to have some kind of genetic component and with what happened with Beth, Delphine would be sure Cosima didn't go down that path too. “Maybe it would be good for you to speak to someone,” she offered softly. _A professional_ , she thought. A neutral party who could help Cosima sort through the darkness in her head.

Cosima smiled softly. “Probably a good idea.”

“Remember that kayak tour we took in Monterosso? That little cove we went to?”

A bright smile came over Cosima's face and she nodded toward one of the end tables beside the couch. Delphine looked over and saw that picture they took where Cosima was in her arms and she was kissing her cheek in a new frame. “Whenever you feel like that, whenever you feel that you're drowning, remember that moment. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.”

Cosima leaned in and kissed the tear slowly making its way down the blonde's cheek. This time it wasn't a sad tear, but the happiest possible. There were no words to describe how she felt in that moment. On the beach with Cosima in her arms, seeing the absolute love in her eyes...there were no words. Delphine Cormier had never been accused of being an idiot; she knew Cosima had been battling some heavy demons that day and even seconds before and after taking the picture, but for those few short moments where they took the picture, she was happy.

“Mine too,” Cosima agreed, reaching for Delphine's hands and lacing their fingers together. “I'm sorry.”

Delphine brushed a lock of dark hair from Cosima's face and nodded. “I know. Moi aussi. Promise me you’ll think about talking to someone. You can’t keep pushing everyone away.”  _Pushing me away._

“I will, I promise.” Cosima nodded. “But I'm still pissed about Leekie.”

Delphine scoffed. “So am I.”  
  
“Will you let me make it up to you?”

“It might take a while.” The doctor said with a smirk.

“I hope it does. I have a lot to make up for.” Cosima seductively crooned.

And just like that they slipped right back into how things used to be. It was a relief knowing that they could slip back into happiness despite what was going on or the time that had passed. It was just something with them. That pull they had with one another. They may have lost their way for a bit; once after Italy and again recently, but there was no delay in getting right back on track.

It wasn't as if no time had passed. Quite the contrary, they felt every second of their separation and were quite keen to make up for it. Things quickly escalated with hands finding their way under clothing, lips and tongues on skin.

Cosima was a _go big or go home_ kind of girl, but unfortunately her lungs were no longer on the same page. Delphine pulled away and passed Cosima a tissue before reaching for the cannula.

“No! Hell no. Seriously Delphine, if I can't even do this...” she trailed off, her eyes glossing over as they once again filled with tears.

“We will go slow, okay?” Delphine spoke softly, gently brushing her thumbs across Cosima's cheeks as if that alone would keep the tears away.

“I don't want this to be boring. We had such a good sex life, Delphine. I don't-”

“Hey,” she cooed softly, pulling Cosima close to her. The look on the brunette's face broke her heart. Sex was important, yes, but it was not the most important aspect of a relationship. Not to Delphine. Not now. They’d already had more sex than she ever had in any of her past relationships, probably combined, but she understood why this was so important to Cosima. It was more than just sex. It was reassurance and confirmation and a promise and so much more. The release was the last thing it was about. It was about them and their love and it was about Cosima. She needed it to feel alive. “We can still have a good sex life. This will never be boring with you Cosima. _You_ will never be boring.”

Cosima leaned forward and nuzzled into her girlfriend's neck, chuckling softly as soft curls tickled her nose, the tension easing from her body.

“Slow does not mean boring mon amour.”

Cosima nodded though she wasn't entirely convinced, but knew they both needed this. She pulled back and looked deep into amber eyes. There was so much love shining back at her that she instantly felt regret hitting her like a ton of bricks. How could she push this woman away? How-

“Stop that,” Delphine placed a lingering kiss on her neck, beginning a slow trail of them up the heated skin ending at Cosima's lips where, as promised, she kissed her slowly and deeply. “Stop overthinking. We both played our parts in what happened. But it's over now so let's just enjoy this.”

Cosima shook her head. “I don't deserve you.”

“Cosima,” Delphine began with another kiss. Each of them further stoking the fire raging inside of her. “You made a mistake. We both did. Several, in fact, that got us to that point...But you are the kindest, most thoughtful and loving person.”

Cosima smirked, all thoughts of their recent fight far from her mind as a familiar glimmer returned to her eyes. “Is this a competition?”

Delphine chuckled. “Maybe.”

“Hmm...well then,” Cosima nodded, slowly climbing off of her girlfriend's lap and backing up toward the stairs. Making eye contact, she slowly lifted her shirt up over her head and tossed it to Delphine. “Game on.”

She turned and bolted up the stairs, well it was much slower than a bolt but that was the intent, with Delphine hot on her heels, laughing as Cosima giggled and taunted her with bold statements on her anticipated victory. Delphine caught up just as Cosima reached the second floor and she spun her girlfriend around, grabbed her firmly by the hips and hoisted her up.

Cosima threw her head back and laughed while wrapping her legs around Delphine's waist and her arms tightly around her neck as Delphine brought them into the bedroom and kicked the door shut behind them. “We will see about that.”

* * *

Cosima had to admit being on the boss's good side had it's perks. A private jet with just her, Delphine and the pilots was much better than an overcrowded commercial flight. Especially since said flight was about seven and a half hours long. She wasn't even mad Delphine was making her wear her cannula. Every night for the past week, the two of them had stayed awake late into the early morning hours worshiping each others bodies properly and, as a result, they were closer than ever. And Cosima was requiring more oxygen, but she argued that was just the progression of the disease and had little to do with their reignited sex life.

It greatly concerned Delphine. If it was them having sex causing the issue, despite how gentle and slow she tried to make it, there was a very simple fix, but Cosima needed it.

_“If these next few months are all I have I want to go out with a bang . . . so to speak.”_

It wasn’t just for Cosima. She needed it just as much as Cosima did so even though she knew it might help at least lessen the amount of oxygen her girlfriend was requiring lately, she was quite content to follow Cosima's lead. _Trust._

“So,” Cosima began, coming up behind her girlfriend and resting her chin on her shoulder. “What's on the menu when we land?”

Delphine shut her book and turned the chair so Cosima could sit on her lap and quickly wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist. “We are going right to my grandparents' cottage. You are going to love it there. It used to be a vineyard and there is a little pond I used to swim in as a child. Then we will meet my parents for lunch tomorrow at the bakery.”

It was  _exactly_ that she wouldn't be comfortable staying with her parents. She hadn't told them about Cosima yet, which, Cosima was surprisingly fine with, but made Delphine graciously decline their offer to stay with them. Despite having had relationships with both men and women, Delphine never led her parents to believe she was anything other than straight.

_“It's not up to me when, how or even if you come out to your parents, Delphine.”_

_“It is just that I have very little to do with them. They live their lives and I live mine. We don't even speak that much on the phone. There was never anyone who meant enough to me to bring home to meet them.”_

_“Aw so I must be pretty special, hmm?” Cosima joked, but Delphine could see the impact of her words._

_She rolled her eyes. “You already know that.”_

It had nothing to do with being ashamed of who she was or the people she was with, but she had never brought anyone home to meet her parents. What was the point in telling them she was bisexual when it wasn't something that would be around them or that was frankly any of their business? She had a good relationship with her father and a better relationship with her mother, now, but long distance relationships were hard even with family. Her parents weren't up on the latest advances on social media. They didn't have Facebook or Instagram and Delphine hadn't kept in contact with anyone from her hometown. There were some from her university in Paris, but no one who would have brought anything to her parents and eliminated the need for her to _“come out.”_

Truthfully, Delphine always assumed she would end-up with a man. It was what she was raised to believe and what society conditioned people to view as the _right thing to do_ , but now things were different. When she thought about her future there was only one thing she was certain of. Cosima.

Still, she was nervous. If she had any gay family members she didn't know about it and as far as she knew her parents didn't have any gay friends, but how much did she really know of her parents’ lives? Since she moved to Toronto she had been home once and on those rare times she spoke to her parents they didn't discuss their friends. Being in such social professions they had to know gay people. Delphine just never heard about it and thus had no basis to how they would react.

There was nothing she wanted more than to share her joy with them. Share Cosima with them. There was no doubt in her mind that they would love her once the shock wore off. Her father would undoubtedly be a little irritated that she didn't speak much French and he would have to think about what was coming out of his mouth to get the translation right, but Cosima could win him over easy. They had been working on Cosima's French over the course of the week in preparation, so it wouldn't be terrible. The only thing giving Delphine pause was her mother. She was extremely religious. Delphine knew she loved her in her own way. It wasn’t as though she had become a new person. She was still the woman they raised. This was just something about her they didn’t know.

“You make me nervous when you get that look on your face.”

“Sorry. Just thinking.” Delphine smiled distractedly.

“Seriously Delphine you don't have to tell them anything. They know we're going because we have that meeting with Duncan in a few days and you wanted to visit since we’ll be there. I am perfectly fine playing the platonic best friend role. I'm pretty good at it, actually.”

“Non, non I want to tell them. I'm not ashamed of you or-”

“Not being ready doesn't mean you're ashamed. I know what I mean to you and that's all that matters.”

“Yes, but I want them to know too.” Delphine smiled and leaned in for a kiss. “I am ready. I'm just nervous. You are the greatest part of my life and I want them to see that.”

“In that case, I will charm the pants off of them.”

“You did manage to get mine off with relatively little effort,” she joked. “But be careful with my father. He does not wear underwear half of the time.”

Cosima's eyebrows shot to her hairline and Delphine's head fell back in her laughter. “Okay now I'm nervous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations  
> "...mon amour, tout ira bien.” (My love it's going to be alright/LIT: fine)  
> "Moi aussi." (Me too)


	32. Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember back the first time they slept together and Cosima peaced out? Way back when someone mentioned wanting to see the aftermath of that from Delphine's POV, so there's a tiny slice of that in this chapter.

Delphine squinted as the early morning sun peeked its way through the floral curtain. Even flying with every comfort possible, the flight had taken a lot out of Cosima and the brunette crashed the moment they got to the cottage. Though it wasn't exactly what Cosima pictured when she heard the word “ _cottage._ ” Five bedrooms, three full baths, chef's kitchen, large open living room with a stone fireplace, a library, wine cellar, acres of land that had at one time been a thriving vineyard, a private beach on a small, but crystal clear pond. Delphine's father's parents raised four children here and when they were older there was always plenty of room to bring their children. Delphine had many fond memories with her cousins running through the vineyard and swimming in the pond. It was a big place, but still had a cozy, homey feel.

With no work pulling her attention away, Delphine pulled Cosima tighter in her arms, smiling when her girlfriend nuzzled into her chest and a smile briefly crossed her lips. Closing her eyes, she took a moment to just feel the woman in her arms. Warm and soft and breathing. Strong, steady pulse. Her breath was raspy, but she was breathing deep with sleep. Cosima was such an intense little bundle of fire. All bright smiles, soul piercing glances and hands flying constantly as she spoke, always pushing forward.

Delphine loved the quiet moments in the morning before Cosima woke and she was still. Before she woke and took that first shaky intake of conscious air and spent the rest of the day fighting for each breath. Before Cosima's lungs protested and blood poured from her lips. Before she wakes and feels the pain in her body. When everything is still and perfect. How was it that everything that meant anything to her anymore was nestled snug in her arms in a single person? She hadn't anticipated any of this. Not Cosima. Not her disease. Not this all-consuming love. But it was here and it was real and it was hers and she would do whatever she had to to protect it.

Their fight only lasted three days, but in those three days Delphine got a taste of what it would be like to go back to living her life without Cosima. To say she didn't like it was a gross understatement. Delphine Cormier had never been left. Every relationship she had, however fleeting, had ended by her choice. She was always the one to walk away, so even though their separation hadn't lasted that long, it was a completely different feeling to have someone else do the leaving. Someone she loved with all her heart.

It made her wonder if anyone ever felt that way when she left. Just because she never felt that way about anyone but Cosima didn't mean that nobody felt that way about her and, for a moment, she felt a sharp pang of guilt over how she'd handled a couple of break-ups. But what's done was done and every choice she made led her to this exact moment and how could she feel bad when this moment was everything?

Cosima was no angel. She had been downright cruel even and put Delphine in an impossible spot. While it hurt Delphine couldn’t say she didn’t understand. As much as she could never having been in Cosima’s position. It cut deep, but she and Cosima were endgame, she was sure of it. She had only just learned the term, of course from Cosima, but there was no word more fitting. Just a simple look from her girlfriend still gave her butterflies. A whiff of her perfume or her name on a text filled Delphine with an excitement that made it hard to focus on anything else. But she did, of course, because she had to. Only she couldn't be Cosima's doctor all the time anymore. Their three days apart showed her that.

It had only been a week since the fight ended, but Delphine made some immediate changes. Rather than getting up and heading to work to get an early start in the mornings, Delphine stayed in bed. She tightened her arms around her girlfriend and slowly ran her hand up and down her love's back ignoring how her ribs were more pronounced and how her hips jutted out more than normal, ignoring that Cosima required more sleep lately and that if she listened closely, she could hear a rattling deep in her chest.

Cosima seemed to be trying more herself too. She willingly slept with her cannula, took all of her medication, and told Delphine when she was struggling. She had also had her first appointment with a DYAD therapist and had weekly appointments booked starting when they got back. Of course her cheeks were tear stained after the session, but she took a lot away from it. It would be good for her. Their fight seemed to have brought them both to find a better balance. Cosima stopped fighting the science so Delphine didn't have to doctor her as much. Or was it because Delphine stopped acting like a doctor all the time that Cosima realized she did need the doctoring and was more compliant? Regardless of the hows and the whys, an unspoken truce occurred and both women were happier.

Cosima was alive and they were happy and that was enough.

_Delphine smiled and raised her arms up over her head, stretching her limbs as far as they would go. A satisfying ache radiated from parts of her that had too long been ignored and a smile came to her lips. “Bonjour ma chérie.”_

_Silence._

_Delphine smiled, thinking her new lover must really have been worn out, which was not surprising given how many hours they locked themselves in the throws of passion. After another quick stretch and a satisfying pop, she opened her eyes and turned over to find empty sheets cold to the touch. “Cosima?” Grabbing the dressing gown on the bench at the end of the bed, Delphine padded through the apartment. Office, kitchen, living room, balcony, bathroom . . . all empty._

_It wasn't that Delphine was a stranger to one-night stands. It was just that she felt such a strong connection to this other woman. Cosima made her feel things she wasn't sure she ever had and the way  brown eyes bore straight into her soul made her think the other woman felt the same way. She touched Delphine with such care, bordering maybe even on reverence._

_It was Delphine's experience that one night stands were really in it for one thing and one thing only, and she was left feeling empty inside. Satisfied, for the moment, but empty. Only she didn't feel that way this time. She felt invigorated and renewed; refreshed, yet as she looked around the empty room, rejected. She never had a one night stand that had been so sensual, so all-encompassing and soul consuming. Never before had she taken someone to her bed and had her craving for them only intensify with every touch. Usually with each touch the craving lessened until they finished and she just wanted them gone, but with Cosima the last thing she wanted was her gone._

_And yet she was._

“I don't want you to go.”  
“Then I'll stay.”

_Delphine shook her head and wandered around her apartment hoping the brunette left a note or something, but there was nothing. Everything was exactly as it had been left the night before, but something felt fundamentally...different. How was it possible to know someone for such a short amount of time and have your whole life changed?_

_Making her way to the coffee maker in the kitchen, Delphine figured maybe she was just romanticizing the whole thing. It had been months since she slept with someone, but at the back of her mind something kept tugging. The same feeling she felt when she saw Cosima walk into the club. A club she didn't want to be at in the first place and had literally been dragged to by her colleagues._

_She didn't know what it was. What this pulling feeling was or why she felt such a strong and scary connection to someone who was a complete stranger. Delphine Cormier was never one to give up on anything easily. From her limited watching of the brunette and the people she was with at the club, they seemed very comfortable and familiar with the space and people. The bartender gave them drinks without ordering which led her to believe they were regulars. If she went back again she was sure to find them._

_Unfortunately her laptop called to her from across the room as her boss emailed her a new project requiring her immediate attention. Immediately after she sat down Scott texted her with a tentative schedule of deadlines, meetings, test dates and the like. Delphine sighed. Her love life would have to wait._

Shaking the memory off, Delphine felt the sting of rejection deep in her chest. That morning, for lack of a better term, sucked. Waking up without Cosima after the night they shared wasn't a memory she would soon shake. She would have given anything to wake just like this and she would never take this for granted again.

Delphine had never been as in love as she was in this exact moment. “Un de ces jours je vais t'épouser,” she whispered, ever so gently moving a stray curl out of her love's face, her hand lingering on a sleep-flushed cheek. “So you need to fight this. _We_ need to fight this.”  
  
She would find a matching pair of lungs and do a transplant if she had to. It was a band-aid, at best. Cosima's body would just attack the new lungs too, but it would give her more time. As a doctor she knew it wasn't a good idea, and if she was just a regular doctor working at any hospital pretty much anywhere else there was no way Cosima would ever be allowed on a transplant list under these circumstances, but she wasn't and she didn't. She worked at DYAD and they had their own rules. Largely made up by doctors like Delphine herself and for the moment Leekie was in her back pocket so if she wanted to do a lung transplant, they would do a damn lung transplant.

Too bad she knew Cosima would never agree. She didn't want procedures and transplants that just bought her more time because if they didn't find a cure then that time would run out and she would need something else to buy her more time and if they didn't find a cure in that time she would need another something else and so on and so on and she was exhausted. Cosima would never say it, but Delphine could see it in her eyes. Not normal exhaustion or even sick exhaustion, but the deep exhaustion of a soul that had had enough. The illness itself and every hope that fizzled out, every promising lead that didn't pan out, added to the exhaustion and Delphine honestly wasn't sure how much more her girlfriend could take.

Delphine would push forward and keep Cosima pushing forward, no matter the cost. Even if she had to, at some point, go back to just being Cosima's doctor. Whatever it took for her to live Delphine would do without question. Just as Cosima left her back in Italy because she thought it was what was best for her, Delphine would leave her too if she thought it was what was best. Anything for her to live. Even though Cosima was her soulmate. Even though her heart beat for this other woman and would never again beat for anyone else.

As many little girls do, Delphine spent a big part of her childhood playing bride. When she was allowed to play, that is. Bribing one of her cousins or friends to play the groom or a second bride, because how much do young children know about how things _should_ be? A wedding had been something Delphine thought about probably until after her third relationship ended. At first she thought it was just the people she was with that had been wrong for her; two men and a woman. They didn't get her dedication to her studies, they were too needy, she was too aloof, they didn't get her, but after three of them she realized that maybe it was just her and that wedding she had been imagining her entire life was just a childhood fantasy.

It wasn't the wedding that mattered. Delphine knew that. It was the marriage, but she couldn't imagine herself married to anyone she dated which was why her relationships never lasted long and she was never emotionally invested. She tried, but why stay with someone when you don't want a future with them?

Then more and more of her life got taken up by her studies and then her work, and for all intents and purposes she considered herself married to her job.

That all changed when she met Cosima.

With Cosima she wanted that wedding. Although the big, church wedding she always pictured had faded considerably. Now she saw herself standing next to Cosima, her in a white dress and Cosima in a less than white dress, somewhere open. Barefoot, at sunset, lit up with small white hanging lights, only their family and closest friends there with them. It would be magical. Their marriage would be so filled with love. There would be tough times too, as there are in any coupling, but that would only make their love grow more resilient, more solid.

It's funny how your dreams change over time, yet stay the same. Delphine dreamed of a wedding and being married. That hadn't changed, but all the other aspects did. Cosima got her on a deeper level. They connected on an intellectual plane. Cosima wasn't threatened by her dedication to her job, wasn't intimidated by her intelligence. Cosima understood. For the first time in her life Delphine could see herself getting everything she ever wanted. Things she accepted long ago she would have to give up for her career, but now she could see herself having it all; the professional and personal life she never let herself dream about.

But with, and only with, Cosima. So they had to figure this thing out because if they didn't Cosima wouldn't be the only life lost.

Unable to resist, she dipped her head and placed a soft, lingering kiss just below Cosima's hairline. She understood now. Why Cosima left in Italy, why she tried to keep herself distanced. She tried to prevent anyone from feeling how Delphine did right now. Delphine used to consider herself a reasonable person. Logic and reason were usually her forte, but there was no logic or reason in love. The heart guided love and it was … stupid. Love didn't regard anything rationally. It didn't think, didn’t analyze, didn't stop to consider all the angles, all the ramifications of who it attached itself to.

She couldn't fault Cosima for leaving her in Italy, for trying to spare her this pain. Cosima was the one who was dying, but with every cough, every struggle, every pained look, every test Delphine died a little too. In saving Cosima she would save herself. Putting all your eggs in one basket was never a smart idea, but all of their eggs were in one basket and that basket was Ethan Duncan. He held the key to Cosima's life, or her death.

Cosima stirred in her arms and Delphine tensed, expecting her to wake and her daily battle for breath to begin, but there was only a slight hitch in her breathing and a quiet mumble Delphine couldn't make out and she was still again. Cosima was a fighter that much was certain. There was always something she was fighting and when that something wasn't Delphine or her own fear, it was her disease. She was holding onto this life of hers with her nails sunk deep. Her energy was declining, her coughing increasing, weight slipping right off of her, she was in more pain, but still she persisted.

Cosima still wakes and puts on her makeup while blasting whatever indie or techno music had her attention at the moment. Still spends forever and a day deciding what to wear. Is still _always kind of late, always kind of sorry_. Is still Cosima and is fighting tooth and nail for it. Things were looking bleak, but the fight wasn’t over.

Their sex life remained the most consistent. It was still so easy. From the beginning they came together like magnets and after a touch or a look there was no tearing them apart. They lost that for a little while. Delphine got too wrapped up in the science and Cosima in her head, but they came together again. They would always come together again. What they had was too great to be apart for long and now that they had re-ignited that spark there would be no extinguishing it.

If anything their time apart had made Cosima more affectionate. Maybe she just didn't give a shit anymore or was making up for the time they lost, but she was always keeping contact with Delphine. Holding her hand or putting her hand on her lower back as Delphine passed by or running her hand through blonde curls just because she could. Stealing kisses any and every chance she got, sending smiles and winks across a room and, of course, Delphine ate it all up. But it made her heart clench every time because it happened more on the particularly bad days. When Cosima was in more pain or coughing more or even when she thought more about her illness or her family or Beth or Delphine and all that she could lose and of everyone that could lose her. But she was fighting and for that Delphine was grateful beyond anything she could articulate.

In the beginning of their romance Cosima wanted her space. Delphine had been fine with that, of course. They were both individuals with full, though lacking, lives, but this past week neither of them could stand to be away from the other for any length of time. Though with living and working together that time was minimal.

They were calmer together. Delphine made Cosima more manageable, more agreeable, more open to tests and at least discussing treatment options that could buy her more time. Cosima kept Delphine grounded. She reminded Delphine that she was a real person, she was her girlfriend, not just the science. There was no denying they were both much happier when the other was nearby. You could tell by the genuine smiles, the flushed cheeks and the softer tones they spoke with.

Delphine adjusted their hours in the lab so that Cosima could sleep longer in the morning and they could go home earlier at night, together. To make-up for it she started working through lunch. Cosima hadn't caught on yet, or if she did she hadn't said anything. Delphine was still the head of the department so she sent Cosima and Scott to lunch and said she had new daily meetings with other members of her team to be kept up to date on other projects. In reality she locked herself in another lab and worked. Yes, it was a lie, but they both got what they wanted out of it so maybe it was a good lie? Was there even such a thing? So though they came in later and left earlier she still got relatively the same amount of work time in. Some nights after Cosima fell asleep she would do some work on her laptop as well. Not every night, but often enough that she required an extra shot or two of espresso in her morning coffee.

All of it she did happily because she promised Cosima she was her girlfriend first. That they would watch stupid movies until they fell asleep on the couch and make a mess of the kitchen making pancakes or something stupidly easy like mac 'n cheese and have Cosima's nieces and nephew over and go see Alison's latest play and visit Beth when she was allowed visitors and go to Clone Club with everyone, even if they didn't stay long, and host weekly family dinners. Because that was what Cosima wanted. To still be Cosima. Not _the sick one._ Delphine wanted Cosima to live so she would drink more coffee and rally because Cosima needed both sides of Delphine. The girlfriend and the doctor and there was no separating them.

“Baby?”

Delphine smiled, having been so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't notice the change in Cosima's breathing or the hand that always reached for hers the second the brunette was awake even when she was already in Delphine's arms. “Oui mon amour?”

“Stop thinking. I can hear you over here.”

“I'm sorry.” Delphine chuckled. These were the moments she lived for now. Quiet moments with Cosima where their roles didn't matter. Where, if you squinted, it seemed like Cosima wasn't sick. Delphine made a mental promise to Cosima. She would cure her no matter what the cost because a world without Cosima was unacceptable.

Cosima smiled, looking up at Delphine with nothing but complete joy in her sleepy eyes. “We have to get going don't we?”

Delphine nodded. “It would probably be best.” Cosima was always late, but the disease was slowing her down even more. To the point where Delphine routinely told her they had to be somewhere an hour before they actually did and even with that they were usually still late.

“Shower first?” Cosima smirked, that mischievous twinkle in her eyes Delphine lived to see.

Delphine leaned down for a slow, sloppy good morning kiss. “Bien sûr."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> “Un de ces jours je vais t'épouser,” (I’m going to marry you someday)  
> “Bien sûr." (Of course.)


	33. Hurricane Amélie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LOT of French in this chapter and a HUGE thank-you to my translator! Kinda inevitable as they're in France, but the translations are at the bottom. Being with Delphine's parents in France there would be a lot of French speaking. Also, aside from that, this chapter was hard to write and I do apologize. For some reason it didn't feel right having everyone being fine with their relationship. Blame my muse. Also, absolutely NO disrespect made to religion. This is how Delphine feels about it, not me. I'm more in Cosima's camp - as long as you're not hurting anyone or using it as a justification to hate, *thumbsup* *I uploaded this earlier, but it was super confusing, so trying this format to see if it is better*

Cosima puffed out her cheeks and let the breath out slowly.

Delphine gave her girlfriend's hand a reassuring squeeze. “It is going to be fine.” Cosima’s famous bloodhound abilities caught onto her girlfriend’s nerves probably even before Delphine felt them herself. Since Delphine packed their bags two days before the flight they had both been bundles of anxious energy. At this point Delphine wasn’t sure who she was actually trying to reassure.

“Yooooouuu don't know that.” Cosima said, looking up at the bright red door noting the small brass bell above it that would alert those inside to their presence the second they pulled back the door. For once, Cosima felt something that must be like what her niece feels when she knows something, but doesn't know how or why or what it means. Something just felt...wrong. Any other time she would have high-tailed it as far away as possible, but this was for Delphine. Delphine, her wonderful girlfriend she was still trying to make up to for being such an ass.

Delphine pulled her girlfriend to the side out of view of the big glass window at the front of the bakery. Her mother was showing off now. Usually there were fresh croissants, breads and an assortment of colorful macaroons on display, but now there was all of that plus at least three different flavored fruit tarts and a couple of beautifully designed cakes. “Hey, listen to me,” she began, bringing a hand up to cup Cosima's cheek. As nervous as she was, Cosima couldn't help but smile and lean into her touch. “They are going to love you.”

“You don't know that either.”

“Since when are you so nervous?” Delphine's heart melted. It was adorable how badly Cosima wanted her parents to like her. Delphine couldn't imagine anyone not loving this woman, but her parents didn't know about this side of her. There was never anyone in her life she wanted them to meet and, not that she would admit it, now that there was Delphine was panicking too. Especially since this person she wanted them to meet was a woman. “They will love you. I promise.”

Whatever happened she told herself she lived without her parents for years. She could do it again.

Cosima looked dubious, but moved on. “What are you going to tell them?”

“I...” Delphine faltered. Even standing on the other side of the bakery with her parents just inside, Delphine wasn't sure how she was going to handle this. She would tell them who Cosima was and what she meant to her, but did she come right out and say it? Or did she let them get to know each other first then tell them? Send them an email long after they left? Break the news a few days before the wedding invitation arrived? “I don't know yet.”

Cosima nodded. “Okay then. I will just uh...follow your lead...”

Delphine brought her other hand up and pulled Cosima in for a quick kiss. “Je t'aime.”

“I know.” Cosima assured with her trademark cheeky wink and a kiss.

Delphine cast a quick glance to the car. Cosima didn't want to meet her parents with an oxygen tank lugging behind her so it was in the car if she needed it. She wasn't requiring constant oxygen at the moment, but nearly. She was growing weaker. Even with the oxygen her lungs were losing the ability to take that oxygen in and use it correctly. The masses were rendering the lung tissue beneath them ineffective and she was running out of non-invaded tissue. It was causing nearly every part of her body to work harder. Her heart had to pump faster to get what oxygen that was able to get into her bloodstream to where it needed to go which was leading to hypertension which could be weakening the blood vessels in her brain or forming blood clots. She could be headed for a heart attack or stroke long before her lungs stopped working.

A hand reached out to steady Delphine. “Are you okay?”

It was all too much. This was Delphine tried not to think about it too deeply. If she did and she thought of all the ways this disease could go, all the possible ways it could claim her love's life, she wouldn't be able to move. She wouldn't be able to push forward because she knew, she _knew,_ that Cosima was running out of time and they were running out of options. And if she thought like that she wouldn't be able to do what Cosima asked of her. She wouldn't be able to be her girlfriend first and without Delphine by her side as her girlfriend, Cosima would wither faster.

It was why she agreed. Because she knew that it wasn't enough just to be Cosima's doctor. She would throw her own feelings to the side at an instant if she believed being her doctor was what would save Cosima, but it was being her girlfriend that was going to keep her holding on.

Cosima needed her to be strong. Offering her girlfriend a small smile she steadied herself. “Ready?”

Cosima raised her eyebrows. “Are you?” She asked, looking deep into Delphine's eyes. “Look if this is too much-”

Their lips met again as Delphine silenced her girlfriend with a kiss. Cosima wasn't fooled, but accepted the kiss because … well, why wouldn't she? A car drove by and honked when it passed the two women, jolting them apart. They laughed and with a wink Cosima nudged her girlfriend forward. “Come on. They know you're bringing a … _friend_ with you, and that we're here to meet a doctor because I'm sick, so worst case scenario I say I'm not feeling well and we leave. D'accord?”

Delphine was about to laugh at Cosima's horrible accent, but no sooner had she reached her hand out to pull her girlfriend in for one final kiss than the bakery door swung open.

“Delphine! Qu’est-ce que vous faites à rester dehors? On vous attendait. Entrez, entrez.” **(Delphine! What are you doing staying outside? We have been waiting for you. Come in, come in!)**

“Maman.” With a smile Delphine turned and embraced the other woman. She was about Delphine's height with greying blonde hair pulled tightly into a bun and dark, steel grey eyes. Her face was beautiful, her eyeshadow and lipstick applied perfectly and matching her nails and her shoes, pulling shades from her dress and jewelry as well, but there was no warmth. Her daughter had been across the ocean for years, but the smile on her face was tight, looking more than a little forced to Cosima. Her cheekbones, the shape of her eyes, the slope of her nose were all Delphine, but there was none of Delphine’s heart. “Ça va?” **(How are you doing/How’s it going? LIT. It goes?)**

“Tout va bien. Ça fait si longtemps qu’on ne t’a pas vue. Tu es sure que tu ne peux pas rester plus longtemps?” **(Everything is fine. It has been so long since we've seen you. Are you sure you cannot stay longer?)**

“Maman! Je viens seulement d’arriver. Ne commence pas déjà avec ça, s’il te plaît!” **(Maman, I just arrived. Don’t start with that already, please!)**

Cosima looked on as mother and daughter spoke in rapid-fire French. She understood much more than she could speak, but even with that it was hard to understand two native speakers talking so fast. There was something about Delphine speaking her native language Cosima always found ridiculously sexy, so even in an argument with her mother, at least it sounded a hell of a lot like an argument, Delphine was turning her on way more than she cared to admit.

“Vraiment Delphine, tu devrais venir nous voir plus souvent.” **(Really Delphine, you should come to see us more often.)**

“C’est précisément ce que je suis en train de faire.” **(That is precisely what I’m doing right now.)** Delphine said through gritted teeth. As happy as she was to see her mother, she would be happier without the guilt trip. Her father, wherever he was, understood. He understood how important Delphine's work was to her and that it wasn't possible for her to fly home as often as her mother would like and didn't waste time when she was here reminding her that she didn't visit enough. Delphine didn't doubt he spoke with her mother already to prevent this and that was exactly why she ran out before they could get inside.

Maybe it wasn't happiness at seeing her mother that she was feeling. She was sure it was, at first, in the days leading up to the trip and on the flight over, but with her mother already laying on the guilt, she remembered why she stayed away. Now it was more that she was happy they were one day closer to getting this whole visit over with. Why did she think things would be different?

Cosima coughed, both out of necessity and to drag a little of the heat off of her girlfriend. The tension was radiating off the younger blonde in waves and Cosima would gladly take some of that onto herself to help. Delphine's eyes screamed 'thank you' as she reached for Cosima's hand and drew her over to them. Hand holding or touching wasn't as taboo here as it was in America or even Canada. Friends could hold hands or link arms or stand a bit too close and no one would think anything of it. Most of Europe was that way. Maybe North America was simply too uptight. “Maman, this is Cosima Niehaus. Cosima, this is my mother Amélie Cormier.”

The elder Cormier smiled, though again it looked forced, and held her hand out. “Cosima, je suis ravie de-” **(Cosima, I am delighted to-)**

“English, please, Maman. Cosima is only just learning French.”

“Ça va plaire à ton père.” **(Your father will love that. LIT. It will please your father.)** Amélie chuckled to her daughter before turning back to Cosima, her accent thick but English perfectly understandable. “I am sorry Cosima. It is nice to meet a friend of Delphine's. She tells us so little about her time in Canada.”

“Enchantée.” Cosima shook the older woman's hand with a genuine smile. “Delphine's work keeps her very busy. She’s doing great things over there.” Cosima couldn't help but praise her girlfriend. Her own disease aside, Delphine and her team's contributions to their fields were raved about. The advancements made either by Delphine herself, or under her guidance, made her something of a name for herself. It was hard to find someone in science or medicine who never heard of Dr. Delphine Cormier. Delphine was modest and would never bring such things up, but Cosima wasn't. She was proud of her girlfriend and would tell anyone who would listen. Even her own mother. Who, from what little Delphine told her, seemed to regard her daughter as little more than a disappointment.

Delphine blushed and her mother ushered them inside the bakery. “Yes, yes I know her work is very important,” she brushed off. “But that is no reason not to call her mother.”

Cosima met Delphine's gaze and shrugged. “She's got me there.”

“If you are going to take her side I am going to speak French the entire time we are here.” Delphine whispered.

“Une Américaine typique qui vient dans un pays sans se donner la peine d’en apprendre la langue.” **(Typical American coming to a country and not bothering to learn the language. LIT. A typical American who comes in a country without taking the trouble to learn its language.)**

Delphine chuckled and ran over to her father, offering him a kiss to each cheek before sinking into his embrace. It was something that had always bothered her father, but he said it without the typical malice, and a twinkle in his eye. A twinkle not unlike Cosima's when she was being especially cheeky. “Sois gentil Papa.” **(Be nice Papa.)**

“Je suis toujours gentil.” **(I am always nice.)**

Delphine chuckled. “Cosima, this is my father Thomas Cormier.”

Cosima resisted the overwhelming urge to _enchantée_ Delphine’s father just as Delphine had _enchantéed_ her way into Cosima’s life. She felt her body flush just thinking about it.

“ _Like what?”_

“ _Just some basic greetings.” Cosima explained. “Enough so that it looks like I know what I’m talking about, but not so much that it shows that I don’t.  
  
”_ _Delphine chuckled, turning back to her laptop on the counter.  
  
_ “ _Do not laugh at me.” Cosima whined. “How am I supposed to get these people to like me if I sound like a basic idiot?”_

“ _A basic idiot?”_

“ _Yeah, like I only know one or two word sentences. I’m already defiling their daughter. Defiling their language may be pushing it a bit too far.”_

_Delphine looked up with a raised brow._

“ _Yeah, yeah, I know that’s all I really know, but I want it to at least sound like I know more. Fake it ‘till you make it. I want it to look like I put real effort into this. I want to make a good impression.”_

“ _Perhaps then,” Delphine began, sliding up behind Cosima and wrapping her arms around her waist, pulling her flush against her body as she placed a kiss on the side of her neck. “You should have actually put some effort into it.”_

“ _Totally your fault.” Cosima tilted her head to the side as Delphine continued to pepper her neck with kisses. “Kinda hard when you’re doing that.”_

“Dr. Cormier, c'est un plaisir de vous rencontrer.” ( **Dr. Cormier, delighted to make your acquaintance.** ) She neglected to tell Delphine then that she would be putting in more of an effort with her father. She _enchantéed_ her mother, but that was different. Cosima was trying, but it was really hard to be nice to someone she knew caused Delphine so much pain. It blew her mind how someone could treat their child the way she had. She would try, for Delphine, but she didn’t like the woman.

Thomas looked from Cosima to Delphine. “Her French is not so bad.” His accent was just as thick as his wife’s, but his English nowhere near as solid. It was shaky, and slow. He clearly had to really think before he spoke, and Cosima sincerely appreciated the effort.

“It's not so good either. I'm sorry.” Her apology was genuine. Since meeting Delphine, Cosima had been trying to learn more French, but that was in her spare time which, as of late, had been spent either wrapped up in her girlfriend or sleeping. French kissing seemed a much more appropriate use of her time than French conjugation. She argued she got points for the French either way,

“She's learning though.” Delphine said with a smile, looking at her girlfriend. It was surreal. There were so many things she was feeling right now. Nerves took the highest priority. The three most important people in her life were meeting. If it went horribly, if they didn't get along, she wasn't sure what she would do. It wouldn't matter much honestly as her life was in Canada with Cosima, but these people would always be her parents.

Her father had always understood her, but ever since she could remember there had been a rift between her and her mother over her desire to follow her own path. She never tried to understand Delphine's point of view, but after her heart attack the elder Cormier simply swept that all away as if it never mattered and Delphine vowed things would be different between them. If this went badly and that rift resurfaced... _Non._ She wouldn't think about that. Why worry about something that may never be an issue? Cosima taught her that. “ _Live in the now.”_

Amélie immediately dragged Cosima over to help in the kitchen, despite both Cosima and Delphine’s protests that the kitchen was not her friend. Delphine perched herself on the other side of the counter to keep a watchful eye or translate if needed, even though her mother spoke fluent English. That's what she would claim if anyone asked, anyway. Truthfully, she wanted to keep a very close eye on her mother's interactions with her girlfriend. It was only the past few years that her relationship with her mother had improved, but even at that it was far from sunshine and roses. There was still a lot of animosity on both sides, but since her heart attack both Amélie and Delphine seemed to make more of an effort. It was never talked about, there was no apology. It was just sort of silently agreed upon that they would leave everything in the past and move on.

It was hard for Delphine to think about anyone not immediately falling in love with the fiery brunette, but her mother was a very religious woman. Liking Cosima as a person and liking Cosima as her daughter's _female_ lover were two very different things. She didn't trust her mother and as she brought Cosima here, she would make sure she didn't see the side of Amélie Delphine knew the first twenty-something years of her life.

Her father met her gaze across the room with a slight nod before stepping out the back.

With a raised brow Delphine got up and followed, her anxiety growing with every step she took away from the two women inside. Her father was sitting at a small table a few meters from the building no doubt put there for his smoke breaks. Her mother never smoked and never let her husband smoke inside, but always made sure there was a nice space outside for him to sit and smoke despite the fact she couldn't stand it. It was sort of inevitable that Delphine would take up smoking given how close she was with her father and growing up where she had where most people smoked, but it was yet another way she let her mother down. Of course she hadn’t been any happier when Delphine told her she quit, either.

Being home brought out a lot of feelings within Delphine, but one she hadn't expected was the intense desire to smoke. Other than that one during her and Cosima's little separation she hadn't touched a cigarette since just after Cosima told her she was sick. She used her fair share of nicotine patches and gum, even tried hypnosis just to say she did, but she had been free of all of that for weeks now and yet being home, seeing her father take out a pack of her favorite cigarettes, stirred a craving deep inside her.

He offered the pack to her as she sat down beside him, but Delphine stood strong and shook her head.

“Ah oui. J’aurais pensé que tu aurais arrêté quand ta petite amie est tombée malade. Tu disais que c’est dans ses poumons, non?” **(Ah yes. I would have thought you stopped when your girlfriend fell sick. You said it’s in her lungs, no?)**

Delphine's mouth opened, but the words disappeared before she could speak them. _Girlfriend?_

“N’essaye pas de mentir à ton père, Delphine. J’ai vu comment tu la regardes. Tu l’aimes” **(Do not try to lie to your father, Delphine. I see how you look at her. You love her.)**

Delphine swallowed thickly, looking into her father's eyes. They were identical to hers. Her appearance mirrored her mother's in nearly every way except she had her father's eyes. Along with his passion, his drive, his dedication and love of sciences. Not that Thomas Cormier was a particularly emotional man, but she could usually tell what he was thinking by looking into his eyes, but now he sat across from her with a face void of emotion. “Yes,” she answered simply, honestly.

He took a long drag of his cigarette. “And she loves you?”

Delphine nodded. “Very much.”

“That is what I thought. I see it in her eyes too.” Another long drag then he set the cigarette down on an ashtray and folded his hands over his lap as he leaned back. “She treat you well?”

Thinking about Cosima and how much she cared for Delphine brought a tear to the doctor's eye. “She...she is very good to me.” Despite everything her girlfriend had going on, Cosima always made sure Delphine was cared for. She offered her a glass of wine when she looked particularly stressed, sent her funny texts messages with emojis and memes when she was frustrated, held her tighter or kissed her more when she was sad and made sure Delphine felt every ounce of her love as often as she could throughout the day. With everything Cosima had going on, making sure Delphine was okay should have been the last thing she thought about, but it was always one of the first. Cosima put every ounce of her heart and soul into their relationship.

Thomas nodded again, running a hand through his curly-brown grey hair. “Elle est très malade?” **(She is very sick?)**

Delphine nodded, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. Hearing it spoken out loud did this to her every time. Like Cosima, she could work on this disease until the end of time; looking over test results, running simulations, hypothesizing and whatnot, but the second she heard the words said out loud the tears fell like they did the first time she heard them. “Elle va... mourir Papa. Et je ne crois pas que je peux l’empêcher.” **(She is... going to die, Papa. And I don’t think/believe I can prevent it.)**

Thomas picked up his cigarette again and brought it to his lips knowing that if he tried to comfort his daughter he would only bring more tears. So he sat back and smoked until the tears stopped falling. “Well,” he began once his cigarette was finished, in perfect, albeit shaky and heavily accented, English. Reaching across the table between them he covered his daughter's hand with his own, hazel eyes meeting hazel across the table. “She seems...nice. You look at each other like you have found your euh....soul . . . sœur? Sister?”

“Soul _mate_.” Delphine corrected.

“Oui.” The older man nodded. “I remember the first time I saw mine. I felt a part of me come to life. I always thought of myself as a personne complète, a complete person, but everything seemed...correct?..When I met her. Les étoiles étaient plus brillantes, le chant des oiseaux plus doux. **(Stars were brighter, songbirds sweeter)** I felt...full, in a way I still cannot explain.”

“Things made sense.” Delphine offered with a smile.

Thomas smiled at his daughter and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “Tu as toujours été comme moi, Delphine. Tu passais d’une relation à l’autre. Ta mère s’inquiétait, mais je lui ai dit que quand tu trouverais la bonne personne, ça changerait. Que tu amènerais quelqu’un à la maison un jour; mais pas n’importe quel _quelqu’un._ Quelqu’un digne de nous être présenté. J’étais pareil quand j’étais jeune; je préférais être seul plutôt qu’avec la mauvaise personne. Ça a changé quand j’ai rencontré la femme pour qui j’étais fait/qui était faite pour moi et avec qui je pouvais me voir passer le restant de mes jours. Tout comme je pense que ça a changé pour toi quand tu as rencontré Cosima.” **(You have always been like me Delphine. You've gone from relationship to relationship. Your mother worried, but I told her when you met the right person it would change. You would bring someone home someday, but not just any someone. Someone worth meeting. I was the same when I was young. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. That changed when I met the woman I was made for/who was made for me and with whom I could see/picture myself spending the rest of my days with. As I imagine it changed for you when you met Cosima.)**

Delphine chuckled. “Tout a changé.” **(Everything changed.)**

“I know. I am sorry she is sick. I know it is painful to you.” He gave Delphine's hand another squeeze and waited until she met his gaze to continue. “L’amour trouvera un moyen, mon ange. Il y arrive toujours.” **(Love will find a way my angel. It always does.)**

“Encore en train de fumer Thomas? Alors qu’on a des invités?” **(Still smoking Thomas? When we have guests?”)**

The pair of them turned to see Amélie throw something away in the bin beside the door, give her husband a last, disapproving look before turning back inside. From behind her Cosima smiled and threw her girlfriend a quick wink before following.

“On ferait mieux de rentrer maintenant. L’ouragan Amélie n’est pas du genre dont on se remet vite.” **(We best go back inside now. Hurricane Amélie is not the kind one quickly recovers from.)**

“Je vais lui dire que tu as dit ça.” **(I’m going to tell her you said that.)** Delphine joked, earning a playfully scared look from her father.

They laughed for a moment and stood up, pushing their chairs back under the table before Thomas stepped in front of his daughter and put a hand on each of her arms. “Delphine, you know we love you.”

“Oui Papa. Je t'aime aussi.” Delphine said with a smile, letting her father hold her in his arms again. Her father was an affectionate man and being in his arms always comforted her. “Do you think she will be okay with this? With Cosima and I?”

Thomas sighed and looped his daughter's arm through his and started walking back to the bakery. “Your mother loves you and wants what she thinks is best for you-”

“Even if that is not, in fact, what is best for me.” Delphine sighed. She loved her mother, and their relationship was better than it had ever been, but that didn't erase the scars.

“Just make sure that when you have children they visit more than you have these past few years or your mother will be insufferable.”

Delphine's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. “Children?”

“Oui. Tu ne t’imagines quand même pas que juste parce que tu es avec une femme, ta mère va faire une croix sur ses petits-enfants?” **(Yes. You do not think that just because you are with a woman your mother will cross/write a cross on her grandchildren?/Basically write off having grandchildren.)** He laughed.

The pair chuckled their way back into the bakery, joining Cosima and Amélie at one of the tables in the back that had been set up for their lunch. Food in Canada was nothing like food in France even when she prepared it herself. Her mother sent her spices from home, but it wasn't the same. She longed for France. For when things were simpler and she actually had time to sit and just be.

Maybe it was longing for her childhood and being young; carefree and unburdened by responsibility or life. There was only a short time in Delphine's childhood where that applied, but those memories and feelings were strong. Under the table she reached for her girlfriend's hand, entwining their fingers as Cosima explained the topic of her dissertation to her father. The smallest of smiles turned up the corner of Cosima's mouth as she felt her girlfriend's eyes on her and she cast Delphine a quick glance before turning back to her conversation.

But it might not have been quick enough.

“Delphine, are there any new men in your life?”

Three sets of hazel eyes turned to the older woman. Delphine and Cosima looked at one another. Thomas cleared his throat, gently patting his wife's hand over the table. “Sweetheart-”

“She tells us nothing Thomas I am just trying to have a conversation.”

“A conversation she does not wish to have,” he reminded his wife.

Cosima squeezed her girlfriend's hand under the table as Delphine's posture tensed. It was always the same battle with her mother, which was a big part of the reason she rarely called to speak with her. Always the same questions about whether or not she was dating and why she was dating so little, because even when she lied and said she was dating a lot it was never enough for her mother. Or sometimes it was, but then she was getting around too much and “ _Les hommes n’aiment pas ça non plus, Delphine.”_ _**(Men don't like that either, Delphine)**_

“ _Qu’est ce qui ne va pas avec les canadiens, Delphine? Peut-être que tu devrais revenir en France et te trouver un mari français.”_ _ **(What is wrong with Canadian men, Delphine? Maybe you should move back to France and find a French husband.)  
**_ “ _Tu les intimides. Ne leur dit pas que tu es médecin, Delphine.”_ _**(You intimidate them. Don't tell them you are a doctor, Delphine.)**_

_Delphine Delphine Delphine._ Always telling her to make herself less to fit what someone else wanted rather than finding someone who fit what she needed. Someone exactly like Cosima. Aside from wanting to keep the doctor part of Delphine out of their home, Cosima never wanted her to act a certain way or pretend to be something she wasn't. Cosima accepted her exactly as she was.

Delphine understood to an extent. Her mother was from a different generation when a woman was expected to find a husband to take care of her and raise a family. That, and her grandparents were very traditional about the roles of men and women and any deviation from that was unacceptable. Amélie never understood that Delphine didn't subscribe to that ideology. Sure Delphine wanted to have children eventually, when the time was right, but she was in no hurry and if it didn't happen she wouldn't necessarily be sad about it.

“Cosima, maybe you can tell me? Is Delphine seeing anyone?”

Cosima's eyes went wide. “Uhh....I uh...ummm...I don't think that's really my place,” she coughed.

“Maman there is something I have to tell you.” Delphine interrupted. “I am seeing someone.”

“Oh, we're doing this now?” Cosima whispered.

“It is very serious. We live together and spend nearly all of our time together.” Delphine smiled. Now or never, as they say, right? Cosima should be everything her mother wanted for her. She was educated, held a distinguished position at a globally respected corporation, she came from a good family, she was beautiful and charismatic and funny and kind and Delphine loved her. The fact that she was the first person Delphine ever brought home should have spoken for itself.

“Do I hear wedding bells?”

“Maybe one day.” Delphine looked at Cosima and smiled. “I would very much like to marry this person.” It was never something they talked about. Delphine knew that her girlfriend would never get married while she was sick. Would never risk leaving Delphinea widow, but as she looked deep into Cosima's eyes Delphine knew she felt the same.

“Finally!” Amélie exclaimed, drawing Delphine's attention away from Cosima. She shook her head as her mother raised her joined hands up above her head. “My prayers have been answered. Who is it Delphine? Tell me all about this man who has stolen your heart.”

Bringing her and Cosima's joined hands above the table she leaned over, kissing her girlfriend softly on the cheek and turned to her mother. “Please be okay with this.”

Amélie looked at their joined hands to Delphine to Cosima and back several times before she spoke. “What is going on?”

“Maman, Cosima is the one who has stolen my heart,” she looked over at her girlfriend's smiling face and pulled all the strength from her that she could. “Actually I wouldn't say there was much stealing. She gave it to me quite reluctantly actually, but we-”

“Thomas, what is going on?”

Delphine's smile fell, as did Cosima's, and she looked up at her father with sad eyes. It was never good when her mother cut her out of a conversation. That was her sign for not wanting to deal with whatever was going on. As if Delphine was so insignificant that ignoring her could make whatever _troubling_ topic they were discussing go away. As if Delphine was someone who could, or should be, simply ignored.

“She is everything you've ever wanted for me Maman. I know this may seem sudden, but it didn't feel right telling you over the phone. We-”

Amélie held her hand up, silencing her daughter. Cosima could only look on helplessly. This was something Delphine needed to handle, but Cosima couldn't sit by and watch the woman she loved get shot down because of her. Her usually confident girlfriend who never let anything or anyone stop her from standing tall seemed to shrink under her mother's gaze. “Mrs. Cormier, I-” Amélie lowered her hand, but shot Cosima a look that, in no uncertain terms, screamed 'SHUT UP!'

“Ma cherie, they are in love.” Thomas began, placing his hand over his wife's just for her to yank her hand away.

“Tu étais au courant?” **(You knew about this? LIT. You were at/in the current/in the loop?)**

Delphine wasn't sure why any of this surprised her. She and her mother had always been so different. Delphine and her father understood one another, but her mother hadn't the first clue who she was and never seemed particularly interested in finding out. For once she just wanted her mother to be proud of her. It was stupidity, really, to think this would go anyway other than the way it was.

“Maman, I am right here. You can speak to me-”

“You want me to speak to you?”

Delphine nodded. “Please.”

“C’est un péché, Delphine.” **(It is a sin, Delphine.)**

That was all Delphine needed to hear to tune her mother out. All her life it was the same. Her mother tried, probably from the moment Delphine was born, to mold Delphine into who she wanted her to be, but that wasn't who Delphine was meant to be. Delphine knew her mother loved her, but she didn't show that love the right way. She showed it by pushing things her daughter didn't want. And not little things like, _eat your vegetables_ or _go to bed,_ but big things like _you cannot go to school because you have to focus on skating_ or _forget about becoming a doctor, have children. You're husband can be a doctor._

“This… Ce n’est pas bien, Delphine! Pas bien du tout! It has to end!” **(This is not right, Delphine! Not right at all!)**

Delphine wasn't a little girl anymore. She hadn't listened then and she wasn't about to start now.

Looking around the table at her father and Cosima she realized she didn't need this woman's approval. She never had it before and she thought she turned out relatively okay. If anything, her mother's disapproval pushed her to hold tighter to what she wanted. Her father was on her side and she had Cosima. She lived without her mother for years, she could do it again. There was already too much working against her and Cosima without willingly inviting more in.

“Amélie, si tu l’oblige à  choisir entre toi et Cosima, ce n’est pas toi qui vas l’emporter. Pour une fois, laisse-la faire faire ses propres choix!” **(Amélie if you make her choose between you and Cosima you’re not the one who will have the upper hand/prevail. For once let her make her own choices!)**

Any other time Delphine would have stayed and argued her point even though she knew it was futile. Even though she knew there was no changing her mother's mind. She would have stayed and tried to get her mother to see things from her point of view because Cosima and their relationship were the most important things in the world to her and she wanted nothing more than to share her joy with her mother. But Cosima didn't deserve to sit here and listen to someone telling her she was wrong for being who she was.

“Maman, arrête!” **(Maman, stop!)** Standing up Delphine pulled Cosima's chair out and helped her girlfriend up. “On ne fait rien de mal. Nous sommes heureuses. Tu es vraiment en train de me dire qu’un amour comme ça est mal? Parce que je n’ai aucune intention de la quitter.” **(We are doing nothing wrong. We are happy. Are you really telling me that a love like that is bad/evil? Because I have no intention to leave her.)** Delphine slipped right back into her native language not even realizing. It was much easier when she was overcome with emotion to speak in French. When she spoke in English she always felt that there was a part of her that wasn't being expressed. Not that she had the words to tell her mother how wrong she was about all of this in any language, but her subconscious felt she would do better at trying in French. “Whether or not you approve, I am staying with her.”

Delphine hadn't been to church since she lived at home and she didn't believe in any higher power or being, but if she did, she didn't believe it would condemn people to an eternity in the firey pits of hell for loving. Divorce was a sin, but no one went around telling people who got divorced how they were sinning and would burn for eternity. Adultery was one of the ten commandments and yet no one told those who committed adultery they deserved to die for what they did. If those people wouldn't be condemned, why would someone for loving? Why did that get picked as the worst sin for some people? Weren't all sins supposed to be equal in the eyes of God? Weren't children of God supposed to _'love thy neighbor?'_

She should have listened to that little voice in the back of her head that told her her mother wouldn't be okay with this. Since her heart attack things _had_ been different, but maybe Delphine just hadn't been around enough. Maybe nothing really changed. Or maybe she was the only one that changed? Her mother almost died so she put everything her mother did to her, every nasty name, every threat, every lecture about what a disappointment she was, every punishment she got for disagreeing, into a little box and locked it deep in the depths of her mind, but Amélie never did any of that. She was still the same cold woman.

Delphine was who she was _in spite_ of Amélie.

Amélie took a breath, her eyes slowly meeting her daughter's. “Dieu l’a rendue malade parce que c’est mal. Elle mourra pour ce péché et après, tu pourras trouver un homme bien et oublier toute cette perversion.” **(God made her sick because this is wrong. She will die for her sin and after, you can find a good man and forget all this perversion.)**

Delphine's eyes blurred with tears as she stared at her mother with wide eyes. Her father shouted something she didn't hear before ushering her and Cosima out of the bakery. The door slammed behind them and with a hand on either of their backs, Thomas guided them to their rental car. “Delphine, I am so sorry about your mother.”

Cosima thanked Thomas before turning back to her girlfriend. Delphine wasn't crying anymore. She wasn't anything anymore. How was she supposed to process this? Her mother had been raised in the church by very religious parents Delphine saw maybe once a year growing up and who were long since dead, but Amélie was her mother. Even with the first twenty or so years of her life as an example and knowing who her mother was, Delphine never in her life would she have thought her capable of saying something so cruel.

This was why Delphine chose to put her faith in science and medicine. Not because the idea of one higher being granting people eternal life based on how well people followed his rules, or curing the sick and helping people based on how hard they prayed, or punishing people for not being _good_ enough was absurd, which, to her, it was, but because people used that being as a justification to hate. They used it to justify hating people they never met just because some book told them to. Which, many times, it didn't, actually. Or they ignored some of these rules and focused on others. Divorce, adultery even abuse were all perfectly fine, but you absolutely cannot love someone of the same gender even if you had the purest heart ever created.

Delphine wasn't sure how they got back to the cottage. It wasn't far, but Cosima was driving and all the signs were in French. When she snapped out of her daze Cosima was helping her lay down and pulling the quilt up to her shoulders. Before Cosima could lay herself down beside her, Delphine turned and grabbed her shirt tightly, pulling their bodies as close as they could get. With Cosima's arms around her, her safe place, she buried her face in her girlfriend's neck and let the tears fall.

 


	34. Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally on the last chapter! Then I'll have the epilogue, so almost done! I've reduced it to 49 rather than 50, well 48 then the epilogue. I'm gonna shoot for updating 3/4 chapters a week starting next week as long as my beta gets the chapters back to me in time. So go light a fire up under her ;)

“ _Do you want to tell me what she said?”_

_Delphine looked up at her girlfriend through bloodshot eyes and started crying again. How could anyone not love this woman? This woman so full of warmth and love? This brilliant and kind woman? How could her mother not see how Cosima was making her a better person? Not see how unbelievably happy Cosima made her? She would pick Cosima over anybody anytime, but this was her mother. It hurt much more than Delphine was prepared for even though deep down she knew it would go something exactly like this._

_It wasn't new that Delphine felt she was never able to live up to her mother's expectations; always felt like a failure in her eyes and this was just another thing she failed at, but out of everything this felt the least like a failure. For once in her life Delphine was sure she got something absolutely right. She was where she was supposed to be, doing what she was supposed to be doing, with the person she was supposed to be with. Everything felt right. This wasn't a failure._

_Delphine's maternal grandparents were extremely religious. To the point they made the Pope look like a quitter. As such their six children were very religious. Delphine's father had never been particularly religious, but he had been baptised and raised in the church even if he fell away as an adult. His parents weren't particularly religious either. He met Amélie and re-joined the church along the way, but his beliefs were vastly different from his wife's. Be a good person, do good deeds, don't kill people or break the law, believe in God and you're good to go, but for Amélie and her family there were rules to be followed or severe consequences._

_After they got married and got older, had Delphine, lived their lives, Thomas thought Amélie's beliefs had relaxed a bit. A good friend and colleague was gay and married to his husband and they had them over for dinner often without issue, but it looked like things were different when they applied to your own family._

_Delphine thought this would finally be the way she did something her mother would be proud of her for. She found someone who was everything her mother wanted for her. Hitting every single point her mother had been drilling into her since she was young. Cosima was unlike anyone she ever met and if her mother just gave her a chance Delphine knew she would love her too._

_Delphine loved her. She loved her with every molecule in her body and every breath she took, and despite her mother's feelings on the subject, that was never going to change. Cosima would be the love of her life until Delphine's heart stopped beating. Whether or not this disease claimed her love's life long before her own days were through._

“ _No.” Delphine shook her head, leaning into the hand caressing her cheek. “It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything.”_

“ _Del-”_

“ _Please Cosima . . . I don't want to talk about it.”_

_Cosima nodded, brushing the pads of her thumbs across wet cheeks. “What do you want?”_

_Delphine felt it again, that pull between them. Whether it was her soul or her heart, the moment she felt it, everything else faded into the background. Her body always craved Cosima and even though they fooled around in the shower earlier, every cell in her body felt like it would burst if Cosima didn't touch her. “Make love to me.”_

_Cosima smiled, that bright toothy smile of hers that made every thought in Delphine’s head melt away. The one you could see in her eyes and hear in her voice. Bringing her lips down to Delphine's, Cosima poured everything she could into their kiss. She didn't know what Amélie said, not exactly, but if this was what Delphine needed to feel better she would let the whole of Lille pass them by and stay in bed the next couple of days. “Gladly.”_

“This is seriously where you grew up?”

Delphine nodded, watching her girlfriend twirl around the empty room with a soft chuckle. It wasn't completely empty, but there was much less occupying the space than she was used to. Last she saw it was when her parents handed her the keys. She grew-up in this apartment and even though her parents gave it to her when she graduated from medical school, she never felt comfortable staying here. Though she and her mother had a better relationship, or at least they _had_ , there were too many memories within these walls and very little of them happy. It had never been more than a prison and once she was finally free it was the last place she wanted to be.

Then she was head-hunted by DYAD in Paris and commuting from Lille to Paris and back every day wouldn't have made much sense.

“I haven't been back here since I moved to Paris for university. I really should just sell it.”

Cosima popped her head back through the archway with disbelief written across her face. “You own this?”

Delphine nodded again. Both her mother's parents died while Delphine was pursuing her studies leaving her mother to inherit their estate in a much older, historic and highly sought after part of town where her parents moved after doing some renovations then transferred ownership of the apartment to Delphine.

“ _C'est un endroit très bon endroit pour élever une famille, Delphine. Beaucoup d'espace pour les enfants, des commerces et des parcs qui ne sont pas loin à pied, de bonnes écoles…”_ _ **(It is a great place to raise a family, Delphine. Plenty of space for children, walking distance to shops and parks, great schools.)**_

“ _Oui. J'imagine que c'est pour ça que tu m'as envoyée en pension à l'autre bout du pays.”_ _ **(Yes, I imagine that is why you sent me to boarding school on the other side of the country.)**_

“ _Ça ne t'as pas si mal réussi en fin de compte. Tu es quand même devenue médecin, non? Tu devrais me remercier."_ _ **(It agreed quite well with you in the end. You still managed to become a doctor, didn't you?)**_

“I think it was a bribe to stay in France.” Aside from having a quick look around after getting the keys and taking a few boxes of things from her childhood bedroom, she hadn't been back since. Choosing instead to stay at her grandparents' cottage whenever she visited her parents before she left France and the one time since. Honestly she forgot about it, but when Cosima asked her to show her where she grew-up this was literally where that happened.

“And it worked so well.” Cosima scoffed, moving back through doorway. As seemed to be the theme this trip, what Cosima imagined when Delphine said things and what was reality weren't exactly matched up. Maybe there was just an error in the translation because that _cottage_ was not exactly a cottage and this _apartment_ was definitely nothing like the places back home. Taking over an entire floor, though admittedly of a not _too_ big building, the rooms were large and open with wide archways and big windows. Gorgeous hardwood floors throughout, crown molding, cast iron clawfoot tub in the bathrooms-oh yes, each of the four bedrooms had its own ensuite, a pantry bigger than the dorm room Cosima spent her undergrad years in, and a fireplace in every bedroom.

Cosima's family came from a long line of money reaching far back to before they left Germany generations ago. There was supposedly a castle somewhere in the motherland that belonged to them, but no one Cosima knew had ever seen it. Probably just one of those family stories every family had, but that is wrought with inaccuracies. Cosima herself grew-up with all the comforts money could buy but even so, her family home had been modest for the amount of wealth they had. It looked like its owners had money, but it wasn't as grand or extravagant as the majority of their neighbor's homes.

This apartment, however, was exactly what came to Cosima's mind when she pictured an older, luxury European apartment. Which was probably a very American way of thinking as there were many different countries in Europe with different styles and different levels and ideas of _luxury_ , but Cosima was wowed all the same.

Sitting down on the edge of her old bed, Delphine couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her younger self. Something about the place filled her with a sense loneliness. The room was gorgeous, of course, with a large white wrought iron canopy bed. The canopy itself was a sheer white fabric and the bedding a pale yellow. Much too big for a young girl. The furniture was all white and oversized. Big mirror, big dollhouse, big bookshelf, big window, big space. She'd always felt so small in this big room. Even now as a full grown adult she still felt small within the four walls.

A hand on her cheek pulled her out of her head and she looked up to see her girlfriend looking down at her with a concerned smile. “You okay?”

Delphine took a breath and nodded. “Lot of memories.”

Cosima nodded a moment before her eyes shined with _that_ glint in them. “Wanna make some new ones?”

As if reading her girlfriend's mind, before the words were even out of her mouth, Delphine grabbed a handful of Cosima's top and pulled her flush against her, lowering herself back on the bed as their lips and tongue began a familiar dance. A low, throaty moan escaped her lips at the feel of her girlfriend's body resting on top of her own, pushing her further into the mattress.

Cosima's current energy level was nowhere near what she needed it to be to take this further, so after a few minutes she reluctantly pulled away. “As much as I would love nothing more than to-”

Delphine interrupted her with a small smile and a gentle kiss. “I know. Just having you here with me is better than any of the memories I have.”

Cosima smiled and reluctantly climbed off of her girlfriend, looking around the room once more. Her eyes landed on a clearly well-loved doll sitting in a chair in the corner. “You know I can't picture you little.”

“I assure you I was once.”

“Well obviously.” Cosima rolled her eyes playfully. “Are there any pictures around?”

Delphine shrugged. “I think my parents took all of that when they moved. I might be able to find a couple.”

Cosima nodded, seemingly content with the explanation.

“I was an awkward child. I had this tooth that stuck out in the front and my legs were too long I was constantly tripping over myself. I didn't learn to tame my curls until much later so you can imagine what a mess that was. What is the term you say... _rat's nest_?”

Cosima chuckled and shook her head. “I bet you were adorable. I hope our kids look just like that.”

Delphine nearly had to pick her jaw up off the floor. “Our kids?” She repeated. It wouldn't be true to say she never thought of her and Cosima having children, but whenever those thoughts came to her she forced them away. Cosima was running out of time. As a scientist and a doctor she knew that. As badly as she wanted to imagine a future with the love of her life and all these things they would do, she knew imagining a future that may never be would only make her hurt more. It wouldn't just be Cosima she would mourn if she let her mind run wild with these thoughts, but an entire lifetime.

“Yeah. Obviously I'm not having them,” Cosima went on, running her hand over some dusty books on a shelf then moving to look out the window. “I don't want to risk passing whatever this is down.”

“You...you think about that?”

“I think about a lot of things.” Cosima shrugged. Their eyes met and at seeing what was probably a very confusing mixture of emotions on her girlfriend's face, she looked to have realize she just shared something very deep. Typical Cosima's mouth running away without input from her brain. “Shit. I just totally freaked you out, didn't I?”

“Non, non.” Delphine shook her head as she rounded the bed and joined Cosima at the window. Smiling she reached for Cosima's hand and pulled her to her side. “You know I never thought about children until I met you.”

“Really?” Delphine nodded. “You totes should. It would be a crime not to. The world needs more smart, beautiful people.”

“I'm not having an army.” Delphine said with a chuckle.

“Fair enough.” Cosime chuckled. “We could bring them here one day.”

“Yes, but we will bring them to the cottage. They don't need to see this.”

Cosima nodded, forcing the sadness swirling around her mind far away. Her time was now in terms of months rather than years. There would never be kids or another trip to France, but in another lifetime she could see her and Delphine taking their kids to see their grandparents, or maybe just their grandfather, every summer. And maybe not _kids_ , but _kid._ Cosima only really wanted one. A little girl who looked just like her Maman. That kid would be so ridiculously loved. She would have her parents, grandparents, all of her aunts, her uncles and cousins. They wouldn't stay the whole summer, but they would spend two or three weeks. Maybe a month. And even little she would converse with people better in the native language than Cosima would ever be able to.

Yet another war between Cosima's mind and her heart. Her heart wanted to sit and daydream about a possible future with Delphine and everything she wanted them to do, but then her mind would remind her of that clock always ticking just over her shoulder. Though this past week the two were learning to work together better than they ever had. In order to live Cosima needed to look to the future. After their fight Cosima realized a lot of things and one big thing she realized was that just living in the now wasn't enough anymore. If that was all she focused on, what was going to make her fight to stay alive? If she let her life be run by the clock all she was doing was moving toward death, but if she had plans, if she had a future she wanted, then she would be moving toward that.

When Cosima was first learning to ride a horse they taught her to always look where she wanted the horse to go. Your body follows where you're looking. If you're looking down at the ground, that's where you'll end up. Or if you're looking behind you, that horse will damn well turn around and you will be right back where you started. If Cosima was looking toward the future, that was where she would go. If she looked toward death, well, that's where she would go too.

She needed something to fight for.

Seeing that her girlfriend had fully absorbed as many of the memories and emotions of her youth as she looked like she could handle, Cosima told her she was having trouble breathing and down to the car they went to get the oxygen. She hated to wear the cannula when she was out, but it pulled Delphine out of the past. Even if her present wasn't all that pleasant either.

Delphine felt much lighter once outside. It was time to seriously consider selling it. Her grandparents' cottage was always there if and when she visited. It was more than that though. She liked having something of hers in France, something she owned. It made her feel as though a part of her was still there. Though she could always buy a new place with the money she made off of selling this one. Either way, thoughts for another day. They had two days and a lot to see.

It was weird being a tourist in her own city. In Paris she had lovers who weren't French and had shown them around Paris and always found it to be such a chore. Who wants to walk around and look at things they drove by every day? Things lose their appeal after so many times, but watching Cosima's eyes light up at such, to Delphine at least, ordinary and everyday things, Delphine couldn't help but feel excited too. It brought her back to Italy and the joy of exploring with Cosima. Only this time she was showing her parts of her past and she was a better tour guide than money could buy.

After their failed lunch yesterday they hadn't done much. They made slow, passionate, teary love for a good part of the afternoon, whispering words of love, commitment and hope. Whatever they couldn't convey with their words, their bodies spoke for them. Solidifying the bond between them that began the moment their souls were created. Long before they knew of one another or even learned to tie their shoes, their souls were calling to each other. A song that had been wonderfully realized that night at Clone Club all those months ago.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to find their soulmate-that other part of themselves that makes them feel whole and complete in a way they never knew possible, but Cosima and Delphine did. They would get through whatever life threw at them, together.

When they were too exhausted to continue, a short nap followed out by the pond with a thick blanket in the old hammock that hung between a couple of trees they filled with blankets until, reluctantly, their stomachs signaled dinner. Delphine dove into her grandmother's cookbook and made one of her favorite recipes she hadn't had in years. After dinner they watched the sunset over what used to be the vineyard before retiring to the couch across from a roaring fire, glasses of wine in hand as Delphine translated one of her grandfather's French novels.

With two days left in her hometown Delphine was determined to show Cosima as much as her health could handle.

They started on the north side of town at what was known as Vieux-Lille, literally _Old Lille_ , the old town of Lille. Nestled on the Belgium border and founded during the eleventh century, Vieux-Lille reflected several cultures from the many countries that laid claim to it before it finally became French. The red brick buildings and narrow cobbled streets looked more Flemish than French Delphine said, but Cosima wouldn't know the difference if she was quizzed on it.

They wandered in and out of some shops where Delphine smiled as Cosima ran around like a kid in a candy shop, buying more than their suitcases had room for. “Alison said no one can get in to see Beth yet, but she met this guy who works there named Ramone who said he could get stuff to her. Strictly on the D.L. I just want her to know I'm still with her even though I can't be _with her_ with her. And dude, this place is a part of you. It made you who you are and for that, I love all of it. Don't kill my buzz.”

Delphine packed a picnic lunch they dug into once they'd had their fill of sightseeing. She brought them to a gorgeous park known as Bois de Boulogne. It was massive. About two and a half times the size of Central Park in New York, which Cosima went to once on a college trip.

“This is completely gorgeous.” Cosima began, looking out over at the waterfall of the Grand Cascade. “I seriously don't know how you left.”

Delphine swallowed the emotions down with another bite and followed her girlfriend's eyes. It was absolutely breathtaking and no doubt Cosima would have them take a bunch of pictures when they finished eating, if she put the camera away long enough for them to finish their lunch. “I never spent much time here. I was either at the apartment or skating. Occasionally my mother would have somewhere to go and my father would take me out, but...”

Luckily her girlfriend seemed to know better than to ask to see the rink because Delphine didn't have the heart to say no, but she didn't have the strength to say yes either either. She loved skating now, but as a little girl she resented it. All the other kids from the neighborhood went to the park or the zoo or even to school and she was always at the rink. Hours and hours a day when all she wanted to do was sit right where they were, doing exactly what they were doing. As glad as she was to be making new, happy memories here with Cosima, there was no forgetting her past.

Out of the corner of her eye she watched Cosima take a few deep breaths and reach into her purse to turn the flow on her oxygen tank up. They'd brought a few smaller ones with them so Cosima could put it in her purse and be more mobile than she would be lugging a big tank behind her. They had those too, but back at the cottage. It also guaranteed they wouldn't be out too long as the tank only lasted a few hours, so Cosima couldn't push herself much. Although surprisingly the brunette was being a model patient. Had been since the night they made-up. If this was all it took to get her to cooperate, Delphine would have instigated a fight and kissed Leekie long ago.

“Tell me about your first girlfriend.”

Delphine nearly choked. “My first girlfriend?”

“Yeah.” Cosima nodded, tearing her eyes from the waterfall. “Or is that like, totally, weird for you?” There was no judgement in her eyes, no sign she was fishing for anything or had any other motivation for asking other than genuine curiosity. Delphine was used to people working an angle. Only wanting to get to know her as part of a bigger agenda, but Cosima was just genuinely curious. Being in Lille brought on a lot of questions from the brunette, but they were all brought on by simply wanting to know more about her girlfriend.

“No no it's not weird it's just...”

“Just what?” Cosima asked, grabbing another grape from the bowl and snuggling deeper into her jacket. Late November wasn't exactly the best time for a picnic in the park, but Delphine knew her girlfriend would appreciate it. It was warmer than Toronto, anyway.

“You are my first.”

Cosima's eyes locked in on Delphine's, her eyebrows conveying her shock at the statement. “I thought you've had relationships with men and women?”

“Relationships, yes, but never romantic relationships.” Delphine began rationally. “Sexual relationships, but I've never had the actual _'girlfriend'_ title with another woman. There was one woman I was with for a while in university, but, I was never able to fully commit and I’ve only had it two or three times with men. I've never had this...emotional connection, with anyone.”

Cosima looked over and smiled _that_ smile. The one that just radiated everything there were no words for. “Yeah, me neither. Obvs.”

They kissed briefly before Cosima's body proceeded to convulse with barking, bloody coughs and their time exploring for the day came to a close.

Delphine could see how it deflated her girlfriend's mood. Cosima wanted so much to just be able to walk around for a few hours without needing a day and a half to recover, but that was her reality. Her body was working overtime fighting for each and every breath she took that, unfortunately, she couldn't do much. In hindsight, having as much sex as they did the day before wasn't smart, but they'd both needed it and would choose it over walking around any city.

It also wasn't really smart to be out very long in this weather, but when Cosima smiled up at her with bright, excited eyes, how was Delphine supposed to say no?

They spent the rest of the day back at the cottage. Cosima napped. Delphine wasn't tired so she did a bit of work on her laptop until Cosima woke up then they spent some time down by the pond just talking. About nothing, about everything. About their hopes and dreams and fears, about Duncan and Beth and Amélie, about Cosima's disease, about the kinds of grapes that used to grow in the vineyard and how Delphine used to help make the wine, about sacred geometry and Buckminster Fuller, about Cosima's stuffed bear she had growing up named Dudley “Dudz for short. Dude was hella cool,” and anything that popped into their heads.

The next day Cosima slept until nearly noon, not surprising since they stayed up so late talking. Okay, and maybe kissing too. And perhaps some light petting, but no more than that. Delphine pretended not to notice Cosima doubling her dose of steroids before they headed out. If she didn't trust that Cosima would tell her if she was truly struggling, she would drive herself insane.

They first hit-up La Grand'Place. Created in the eleventh century as a wheat market, it stood today as beautifully preserved historic buildings such as the Vieille Bourse - the old stock exchange, Le Furet du Nord - a massive eight story bookshop, and Grand Garde – a theater that had been created in the sixteenth century to house the King's guards. There were numerous statues and shops and cafes and they honestly could have spent hours, if not days, there, but they had a train to catch later which left no time for dawdling.

At her insistence, and knowing Delphine had a thing for small, cuddly animals, Cosima directed them to the zoo.

“They're just animals, Cosima.”

“Yeah, but they're _French_ animals. Just like you my French puppy.”

There were tons more they could have seen and explored, but the two were perfectly happy with what they did see. What better way to get to know a city than by spending time wrapped up in someone it created?

They grabbed dinner at Delphine's favorite restaurant, a little place that served a mix of French, Mediterranean and seafood with plenty of vegetarian options. Cosima tried her best, but she could do little more than force down a couple of bites. Among all of her symptoms her weight loss was the least concerning, but that didn’t stop Delphine from trying everything she could to increase the brunette’s caloric intake. Didn’t stop her from wanting to cry, either.

Thankfully Delphine did most of the packing when Cosima showered this morning, so they just had a few things to gather and a bit of cleaning to do when they got back to the cottage. “We still have a couple hours until our train leaves. Wanna fool around?” Cosima joked, a familiar gleam in her eye.

Delphine chuckled, but couldn't ignore the shot of arousal that went straight to her core at the suggestion. She couldn't imagine herself ever growing tired of her lover's touch or her body. Cosima seemed to be having a better day today, so she couldn't see any reason to deny her.

They were mid-undress, Delphine lowering Cosima to the bed, when there was a knock on the door. They paused, looking at one another and holding their raggedy, arousal fueled breaths for a moment to listen. “Ignore it. They will go away.” Delphine said, her eyes impossibly dark with desire.

“Works for me.” Reaching up, Cosima grabbed fistfulls of blonde curls and slammed their lips back together. Her lips moved from Delphine's lips to her neck to her collarbone. Her tongue was teasing along the line of Delphine's bra, reaching around for the clasp when there was another knock.

“ _Delphine?! Delphine it's me!”_

“Shit!” The pair broke apart and as quickly as they could threw shirts, skirts and pants back on and tried to look as though they hadn't been doing what they were just doing.

“What is my father doing here?” Delphine whispered as they made their way out of the bedroom.

“Shit.” Cosima looked at the clock above the fireplace and cursed, a guilty look immediately coming over her face. “I totally lost track of time. I kinda...did a...thing.”

Delphine raised an eyebrow and waited.

“I invited your father over.”

“You what?”

“Do I get brownie points for doing it in French?” Delphine crossed her arms across her chest. “It was worth a shot.” Cosima shrugged.

“I don't want to speak to him.”

“No,” Cosima corrected, dragging her oxygen over to the couch and dropping down with a soft _thud_. “You don't want to talk to your mother. Your father did nothing wrong.”

“Cosima...” Delphine whined in protest. What was she supposed to say to him? He wasn't her mother, but what were they supposed to talk about? Delphine had always been a daddy's girl, but that was more by process of elimination because her relationship with her mother had always been so strained. They weren't particularly close.

“Just...give him a chance. You haven't seen him in years and who knows when you'll be back here again. I purposefully invited him before we had to leave so you don't have to talk to him for that long, but you do need to talk to him, Delphine.”

Delphine sighed, her shoulders slumped as she walked to the door. “I hate it when you're right.”

“I love you!” Cosima blew Delphine a kiss across the room that made Delphine smile and gave a temporary reprieve of the tension she was feeling.

With a deep breath she stood up straight and opened the door. At thirteen she went against her mother for the first time in her life and begged to be allowed to go to school. At seventeen she went off to college on her own, on a track that left her and her mother estranged for years. During grad school her mother had a heart attack. At twenty-eight she left France and everything she ever knew for a new life in a new country. Her girlfriend was currently fighting for her life. If she could get through all of those truly scary things, she could talk to her father.


	35. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally finished this story! Epilogue and all, DONE! I can't really believe it. It's been an amazing journey. Will be posting more often now. Not sure if there will be an exact schedule, but maybe every other day/every two? After this there are 14 chapters to go. well, 13 and the epilogue :)

“Your mother and I are separating.”

Delphine lowered her glass and looked across the table at her father then at Cosima still on the couch across the room trying to give father and daughter a chance to speak and pretending she wasn't listening to every word. “What? Papa, I don't want you to do that because of me.”

Thomas laughed. “Oh believe me it is not because of you. Your mother and I have been...drifting apart for years. I'm not sure why we aren't divorced already except that it takes a lot of time and I am very busy. . . It's not right, Delphine. What your mother said. How she thinks. I filed for divorce before, when you were younger. I could see she was pushing you too hard and you weren't happy. Then you begged us to send you to school and the only way she agreed was if I dropped the divorce.”

Delphine stared at her father, thinking how much his English had improved since she last saw him. That in and of itself was a testament to how long it had been. “On dirait bien que c'est à cause de moi.” **(It nevertheless seems to be because of me.)** Granted she was much younger then and parents generally try to hide such things from their children, but Delphine felt a squeeze in her chest at not knowing what had been going on around her; for knowing her father stayed with her mother because of her.

“Non Non Delphine. It is because of her. Your mother is a...” Delphine could tell he was not wanting to say anything too bad about the woman. She was, after all, the mother of his child, bigoted or not, and her father had always risen above such things. He was a gentleman through and through. “Difficult woman. But the things she said, there is no excuse. You have found yourself a loving partner, Delphine.”

Delphine smiled sadly, thinking back to her and her father's conversation the day before. “Your soulmate,” she began, things clicking in her head. “It wasn't Maman...”

“No.” Thomas agreed. “Her name was Liliane. On sortait ensemble au lycée. **(We were going out together in high school/meaning dating. High school sweethearts.)** , engaged to be married...” He looked away sadly and Delphine felt her heart clench. There was so much emotion across her father's face. He was never a very emotional man and, maybe, this was why. “She died in a car accident. The surgeon who would have saved her life was two hours away and there were no other surgeons. That is why I went into medicine. I didn't want anyone else to have to go through what I-what _she_ , did.”

Delphine thought back and didn't remember a time her parents were ever truly happy. It was part of the reason she never settled with anyone, despite her mother's pressuring. Why she preferred to remain single rather than stay with someone who couldn't reach inside and knot her broken pieces back together, someone who didn't set her soul on fire. It would be better to never get married than to find herself trapped in an unhappy marriage. She might not have known what exactly was going on, but even young Delphine knew they weren't happy.

“How did you meet Maman?”

Thomas sighed uneasily, bringing a hand to the back of his neck. Whatever that story, he seemed to be wrestling with not wanting to say and also wanting to tell his daughter the truth. He looked across at Cosima, who quickly averted her eyes back to her book. If he didn't want her to hear he would speak in French. “Your mother....it was the one year anniversary of Liliane's death and I had too much to drink. A couple of weeks later I see your mother at a store and she tells me she is pregnant. Her father...well, let us just say he made sure we were married quickly and quietly. He knew someone who owed him a favor and forged our marriage licence for a year before we were actually married. Your mother never wanted you to know.”

If she didn't save Cosima, Delphine would become her father. Her mother wasn't her father's soulmate. He had someone else who was. Someone he lost. More than most he would know what his daughter was going through. There were so many questions she had now. So much of her parents' relationship she wanted to know about. It was like she had a bomb dropped on her. She never spent much time thinking about it, but she just assumed her parents were happy and in love at some point. Maybe they were once, but there was someone else her father loved more.

“I do not regret anything, Delphine, because you are the greatest blessing in my life. When you were born, I had a second chance. Your Maman is a part of you so I will always be thankful to her for that, but … everything happens for a reason. Liliane died and I became a doctor and met your mother and had you, and you met Cosima... I am so proud of the woman you have become Delphine. Je ne regrette rien. **(I regret nothing.)**  Neither should you. There is a reason for everything, there is a plan.”

Delphine looked over at her girlfriend and shook her head, but Cosima smiled encouragingly. Nothing had a reason. Delphine didn't believe things happened with any pre-ordained or fated reason. Certainly not now. Things just happened. Terrible, horrible things to good people.

Her father never asked for anything and Delphine could see how much this pained him, so she offered up the only thing she had that could be of any use to him. "Take the apartment." After everything, giving up years of his life, giving up his own happiness for Delphine to be happy he still never asked for anything. Delphine wanted to do so much more than she was able to.

"Ok. Thank-you."

Thomas stayed until they had to leave, father and daughter sitting at the dark oak table catching up. Once all the heavy topics has been discussed, they fell back into conversing in French and Cosima dozed on the couch. The English had been for Cosima's benefit. So she could help Delphine process everything she learned, if need be, and so Delphine didn't have to explain it to her later.

There was much more to say, from both of them, but there wasn't time. Delphine was grateful to Cosima for forcing her father on her, but now that it happened she realized she did want to talk to her father. For hours and hours and hours. She hadn't realized how much she needed him until he was sitting across from her. She had no idea who he really was, but she wanted to know. He was a good man, and a good father for sacrificing his happiness all those years for her own. She owed him so much, but there just wasn't time today.

These coming months she would need him more than she ever had in her life. He understood the love of your life dying. He hadn't been in the exact spot Delphine was, but near enough.

After helping the women load the rental car with their bags, he retrieved an old box from his car and gave it to Cosima. “Here are the photographs you asked for, Cosima.”

“Photographs?” Delphine repeated.

“Oui!” Cosima smiled brightly, tearing into the box.

“What photographs?”

“Of you, of course.” Thomas answered, winking at Cosima. Delphine yanked the box from her girlfriend's hands, but at Cosima’s pout simply tossed them onto the passenger seat with quiet French mutterings Cosima and Thomas pretended not to hear.

“Cosima,” Thomas began, taking Cosima's hands in his. They were small hands, fair enough, but they looked almost childlike in his large grasp. “I am sorry we did not get to know one another better. You seem lovely. You must be very special to have captured my daughter's heart.”

Cosima smiled, leaning in as her girlfriend wrapped an arm around her. “La prochaine fois.” **(Next time.)**

Thomas quickly looked up at Delphine before nodding sadly. “La prochaine fois.”

* * *

The train was on time, much like Cosima for a change. A little over an hour later they were in Paris. Cosima insisted on going out and doing “ _something,”_ after they checked into their hotel. It was a gorgeous room. Less than a mile away from the Eiffel Tower with a big window looking right at it, all lit up with the night. “Must have cost a fortune.”

Delphine shrugged, a smile tugging at her lips. “It's on DYAD's dime.” Delphine avoided telling Cosima how she knew this trip would be hard on her mentally and emotionally, not counting the physical aspect, so she wanted to make it as comfortable for her as she could and at least have the illusion of an actual vacation. A small part of her also never believed she would get to bring her love back to one of her favorite cities so she was determined to do it right.

And maybe she wanted to stick it to Leekie while she could.

Little did Cosima know, though, that Delphine already had _something_ planned for them. Which, of course, Cosima loved...She'd always hated surprises, but Delphine instructed the taxi driver in French then played tour guide the entire ride. It didn't take long for Cosima to give up trying to get the information out of her girlfriend. Understanding she would find out soon enough, she quieted down and listened. Paris was beautiful at night. All lit up against the dark sky. Cosima smiled, leaning up against her own personal French tour guide.

The way her eyes lit up when they reached their destination was more than enough for Delphine. Cosima took one look at the lit-up windmill and turned to Delphine with wide eyes. “For real?”

“Does it not look real?” Delphine joked, paying the driver and pushing Cosima out of the cab.

“You legit got us tickets to the Moulin Rouge?! Best. Girlfriend. Ever.” Cosima exclaimed, jumping up and down, as she flung her arms around Delphine's neck.

Delphine chuckled, holding her girlfriend close for a moment. “Or the stupidest,” she reasoned. “There will be topless women.”

“Aw baby,” Cosima cooed with a searing kiss. Leaning her forehead against Delphine's, she smiled. “You know you topless is the only topless I want for the rest of my life.”

Bringing both hands to her girlfriend's face, Delphine kissed her. She tried to keep it innocent, mostly, but the second Cosima's tongue touched her bottom lip asking for entrance, she seriously thought about giving their tickets to the closest person and hailing a cab right back to the hotel. Cosima would have gone willingly, but this wasn't about her. Not entirely. It was about her showing Paris to Cosima. A crowd of people, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, pushed the pair toward the door and that was that.

Delphine gave the man at the door their tickets and her name and he ushered them around the crowd to a table at the front with a 'RESERVÉ' **(RESERVED)** sign. He took the sign and filled their glasses with champagne.

“Front row table too? How did you manage all of this?”

“I may know someone in the show.”

Cosima's eyes twinkled as she brought the glass to her lips. She couldn't help the appreciative moan that went straight through Delphine. The French sure got their alcohol right. “A female someone?”

Delphine shrugged nonchalantly, taking a sip from her own glass. “Perhaps.”

“A former _lover_ , someone?” Delphine quirked an eyebrow and simply took another sip. Cosima shrugged. “Doesn't matter. With all of this going on,” She gestured to the wires hanging from her purse on the back of the seat, that looped around her ears and fit into her nostrils. “I don't have to worry about you going anywhere anytime soon. I am simply too sexy to resist.”

Delphine's heart fell. These little jokes were how Cosima dealt with her circumstances, but they made Delphine want to cry. Cosima was so much more than this disease. Tomorrow they would see Dr. Duncan and he would give them more of that serum and Cosima would get better. She had to. “Cosima...”

Cosima looked over at Delphine with a smile on her face, but before Delphine could open her mouth again the lights turned off and the curtain rose over an entire stage full of performers. Everyone was in bright, beautiful costumes and immediately ran to their spots and the show begun.

There was a pirate whose boat was anchored in Indonesia. And a circus with clowns, acrobats, jugglers, siamese twins and, _much_ to Cosima's dismay- _wild_ animals, but even that she wouldn't let get her down today. The scenes were so vivid and colorful and the music reverberated through every cell in Cosima's body and had her dancing in her seat. Delphine watched her girlfriend with a smile on her face. That was her love. That was Cosima. Dancing in her seat, laughing and smiling like she didn't have a care in the world.

Then came the Doriss Girls and Doriss Dancers and, just...Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

There was a tribute to Parisian women through the years, through the Liberation of Paris up to the present day. And the can can, oh the cancan! It was such a busy show with something going on at all times and such bright lights and colors and loud, catchy-music. It was truly wonderful.

It had both women well and truly _revved_ up by the time they returned to the hotel. It wasn't the show itself so much. It was being out, being together and having a fun and carefree night before the nitty gritty they would soon be dealing with. And, okay, maybe a bit of the show too, but for real? _Moulin Rouge._

Careful to conserve as much energy as she could, Cosima let Delphine undress her. Slowly, teasingly, painfully. This time it was all about the senses. Long slow strokes, soft deep kisses, wanting lingering gazes. Delphine's tongue was wrapped around a pert, dusky nipple when her fingers entered Cosima and the brunette's head fell back releasing a long moan that seemed to come from her toes. Delphine's fingers slid easily within Cosima's arousal. Two, three fingers plunged as deep as they could go before they plunged out and in over and over. Cosima was a moaning, groaning, thrusting mess and Delphine absolutely ate all of it up. It was all for her, because of her. She was doing this. Still kind of blew her mind a bit. Her middle finger found that soft spot along Cosima's front wall and she wailed on it with perfect precision that in no time at all had Cosima coming into her hand, her arousal flooding Delphine's palm.

Cosima watched Delphine bring her soaked fingers to her mouth with wide eyes before the tears started falling.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, no, absolutely not.” Cosima waved her off, wiping her face with her hands. “That was...amazing. You're amazing. I love you so much.”

Delphine's eyebrows were crinkled in confusion. “Then what's wrong?” She asked softly, lowering herself down beside her girlfriend and taking her into her arms.

Cosima looked away. This was what she was good at. This was the one part of her life that was easy. Making love with Delphine was never supposed to change. She needed it – they both needed it, but she was so exhausted. Her body was without the strength to bring her girlfriend the pleasure she so desperately wanted to. “I can't...” she fumbled, wiping her face again before she met her girlfriend's eyes. She leaned in for a kiss and let their foreheads rest together when they pulled apart. “My body is...I don't...”

It took Delphine a minute to realize what Cosima was getting at, but when she caught on she chuckled softly. It was hardly worth the pain written on her girlfriend’s face. “Ma chérie it's okay.”

“No, it's not! This is supposed to be something I can do. It's supposed to be the last thing I lose. Jesus, if I can't even touch my girlfriend, what's the point?”

Delphine shushed the brunette with gentle kisses and a soft hand on the side of her neck. She could see how much this meant to Cosima. Honestly she was more than happy to just leave the night with bringing Cosima to her release. That was _not_ to say she didn't want it or didn't enjoy it, because she did on both accounts, she was more than content to just be inside Cosima and feel her warm and alive, to kiss her flushed, salty skin, plunge her tongue into her hot, wet mouth, smell her essence, her arousal. She could ignore her own desire for one night, but that wasn't making Cosima feel any better. “Cosima, I don't need-”

Cosima brought her hand down between their bodies and cupped Delphine's sex. Gentle enough not to further arouse her girlfriend, but with enough pressure to make Delphine gasp and to coat the palm of her hand. “Yeah you do.”

Maybe Cosima was right. She was literally dripping in her need. “There are other things we can do...” she offered with a shrug. They had a few toys back at home they had used a couple of times. Not much, honestly. They were both more than satisfied with the other just using hands, mouths and tongues that they weren't necessary, but they were fun every once in awhile. Like now, would be appropriate. There was one in particular she really enjoyed. One that Cosima wore, and once that she did, that attached over her hips and ass via supple leather and a few edges of violet silk and bows. But that was back in Toronto. “If only we had our...little friend. I could do all the work.”

Cosima sat straight up, her eyes darting to the other side of the room. “Uhhh actually....”

Delphine followed her gaze, her body moving toward the suitcase on her own. Her heart started thumping erratically when her hand collided with the cool, purple strap-on neatly tucked into the back of the suitcase. “How did this get through the baggage check?” It saddened Delphine that Cosima thought to bring it because that meant she prepared for this exact moment. Prepared to not have the strength to do this.

“Do you really want to talk about it? Or do you want me to fuck you with it?”

As quickly as she could, without looking _that_ desperate, Delphine was sliding the cool leather over Cosima's hips. This particular toy went into both of them. It was with Cosima's internal grip on the smaller shaft that the larger end would thrust into Delphine. Just the thought of it, while she watched Cosima's eyes close as the shaft disappeared inside of her, had her arousal dripping down the inside of her thigh. Cosima eased back down onto the bed once she was ready.

Running a hand through her own slick folds, Delphine coated the silicon, giving it a few firm tugs and watching Cosima's toes curl. With hazel eyes locked on hazel, Delphine straddled Cosima's lap and slowly lowered herself down. As hard as it was to keep her eyes open and locked on Cosima's, she did, knowing Cosima loved to see every expression as she completely filled Delphine.

With her hips making circles, feeling every inch of the piece inside of her, Delphine slowly began rising up and down, up and down, eyes still locked on Cosima's. She put on a bit of a show, reaching up to pinch her own nipple with one hand, the other running through her curls. Cosima's hands reached up and replaced her own, pulling her in close to bring their mouths together as Delphine continued to ride her.

They came together, quicker than either would care to admit, but magically. Then curled up in each other's arms and drifted off.

Delphine woke first, as usual, feeling delightfully stretched, sore and happy. Ordering breakfast, she hopped into the shower before Cosima woke up. If she waited she knew Cosima would want to join her and, as much as she would love that, Cosima needed to save her strength.

They were set to meet Duncan tomorrow morning, 8am, so today was strictly for exploring Paris. Starting with, of course, the Eiffel Tower. Turns out Delphine knew someone who worked there too and they bypassed the long lines. With her cannula, Cosima was able to get right onto the elevator where they rode it to the second floor, but that was as high as it went. So then she did have to walk to the top. It wasn't bad. A little slow, but she made it. “Oh, wow, Delphine...”

Delphine held her girlfriend in her arms, looking at the view with her chin resting on Cosima's shoulder.

“It is so beautiful.”

They stayed there awhile, just enjoying the view, enjoying the company, enjoying life. Delphine held Cosima tight, never once letting go even as Cosima turned in her arms to kiss her or lay her head on her chest or when she dug out her camera and forced Delphine to take selfie after selfie after selfie until some older woman took pity on them and offered to take some pictures of the two of them.

Once Delphine managed to convince Cosima to leave, “We only have one day, mon amour,” they found their way to the Musée du Louvre. They spent three hours walking around the seventy-three thousand meters of exhibition space which encompassed over thirty-five thousand works of art. Cosima wandered around with eager eyes and curious ears, clutching the brochure in one hand and Delphine's hand in the other. Knowing very little about art, Cosima didn't mind Delphine's plan not to aimlessly wander, but to seek out the more well known exhibits; the Mona Lisa, the iconic Venus de Milo, the Winged Victory of Samothrace, Michelangelo’s Dying Slave, Eugène Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People, the Great Sphinx of Tanis, Lamassus.

Cosima did a double take when they walked by 'Gabrielle d’Estrées and Her Sister, The Duchess of Villars'. The painting was supposed to be of two sisters and yet they were both completely topless with one reaching over and pinching the other's nipple...

“They say it is meant to symbolize her pregnancy with the illegitimate child of Henry IV.” Delphine explained. She had been through the museum so many times she could recite the tours in three different languages.

Cosima shook her head. “Coming as someone who has sisters that I am very close with, _that_ is messed up.”

“It's art.”

“It's porn,” Cosima corrected. “Which I am in no way opposed to, but that’s, like, incest porn-”

“It is not. It is open to interpretation.” Delphine explained with a shrug, tilting her head as she examined the painting.

“Oh God,” Cosima groaned. “You sound like Felix.”

After a quick lunch at a cafe nearby, they went back to the hotel to grab a new oxygen tank for Cosima, but after insisting she was, “only laying down for a second, I swear,” she was down for the count. Cosima needed the rest and Delphine didn't mind. She used the time to confirm tomorrow morning with Dr. Duncan's assistant, answer a few emails and just sit on the balcony, in the Paris air, and look. Delphine pulled her sweater tighter around herself. Fall in Paris was gorgeous. The reds and browns and golds and yellows against the blue sky with the Eiffel Tower standing tall. If Cosima hadn't already taken hundreds of pictures of this exact view, she would be tempted herself.

It wasn't until they got here that she realized how much she missed it. The people, being surrounded in her native language, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feeling. All she wanted a few years ago was to get out. France felt too constricting, too limiting. She needed to spread her wings and make her mark somewhere else. So she did and didn't regret a single moment because if not for every single second of every day happening just as it had, she may never have met Cosima. Toronto was home now. Toronto was her life. She didn't regret it, but she missed this.

“You should come back more.” Her no longer slumbering girlfriend began as she joined Delphine on the balcony, foregoing the empty chair in favor of perching herself on Delphine's lap. Delphine happily accepted the company and buried her face in Cosima's ever growing mess of dark waves. For as sick as she was getting, her hair grew like a weed. This was home. This smell, this feeling, Cosima's raspy breathing – that was home now. “At least once a year. I've seen your personnel file, I know how much vacation time you get, and never take.”

“Mmm.” Delphine chuckled softly, placing a chaste kiss where Cosima's sweater had fallen down exposing her bare shoulder. “We could come back next year. I really want you to see Paris in the spring.”

Cosima's body tensed. “Delphine-”

“Don't.” Delphine warned. With everything that was going on, with her mother and with Cosima, Delphine just couldn't entertain the thought right now that Cosima might not make it through this. “Just...not now. I know we will have to talk about it at some point, but not now. If Duncan can't give us a cure, or if he can't help us develop one, _then_ we can talk about the possibility, but right now Cosima...right now I can't.”

“Okay.” Cosima smiled softly, tightening her arms around Delphine's neck and placing a single kiss to the side of her forehead. If anyone understood being overwhelmed and just needing something to hold onto, it was her.

Delphine nuzzled deeper, wrapping her arms tighter around Cosima's waist in a futile attempt to distract herself and keep the tears from falling. These past few months had seen more tears than all the years of her life up to this point combined, but she wouldn't change a thing. Loving Cosima for as long as she could was worth everything. All the tears and the pain. She would do it over and over again. “I need you.”

A lot was going on right now. Cosima, working endlessly for a cure that always seemed just beyond their reach, her mother, this bomb her father dropped on her. Under normal circumstances Delphine would bury herself in something else. If it was her personal life bothering her, she would bury herself in work and vice versa, but, at this moment in time, it was everything. Every part of her life was falling apart and there was nowhere left to turn. Except to Cosima. Despite everything the brunette was going through, despite her rapidly declining health and her sister's overdose and, most likely, excruciating detox she was going through, Cosima was the one person who was going to get Delphine through everything. It didn't feel fair putting yet another thing on her girlfriend, but even the strongest of people were allowed a break down every once in awhile. Delphine knew Cosima would gladly hold her and be strong for her for a change.

“I know.” With a gentle hand, Cosima cupped Delphine's chin and brought their lips together. “I'm here. Always.”

A little while later, at Cosima's urging this time, they got themselves together and hopped on their planned cruise down the Seine River to Notre Dame Cathedral. It was nothing new to Delphine, who had been through the Cathedral more than her fair share of times, but Cosima had never felt so unbelievably insignificant. It was all so grand making her feel so small. At night, the square came to life with music and performers. Delphine watched Cosima rather than the entertainers. Her face was illuminated by the flames from a fire-juggler standing close enough that they could feel the heat. Cosima was smiling and grabbing Delphine's hand tight with one hand and pointing with the other. Her cheeks were rosy, eyes bright, hand warm. If only it could always be like this.

Tomorrow things would get very real very quickly, but they would always have this.


	36. Poking with Sticks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a big shout-out to everyone reading and leaving reviews and kudos. I love love love hearing what you guys think! Thank you so so much :)

For once in her life, Cosima was early. She was up, showered, dressed and medicated before Delphine's alarm went off. At her girlfriend's insistence, she forced down a croissant and some fruit at a small cafe they passed on their way to DYAD. “I used to come here most mornings before work. Best croissants in Paris.”

They turned a corner and suddenly they were there. Within these walls was her best shot at living. Probably her only shot. The early morning sun glistened off the dark windows and Cosima couldn't breathe. All these feelings and emotions she had been forcing back, not willing to think about nevermind deal with, forced themselves to the front of her brain. She fell to her knees, gasping for breath, blood flowing from her nose and lips, clinging to Delphine who looked on completely helpless, shouting something in French.

“I'm okay.” Cosima waved off two big goon-looking guys in security uniforms. “I'm okay,” she repeated, looking up at Delphine. After a moment, the Frenchwoman turned to the goons and said something that made them back up, but stay close enough in case their assistance was needed. Reaching into her bag she turned up the flow of oxygen and grabbed some tissues. With Delphine's help, and strength, she was cleaned up and ready.

If Duncan couldn't help this was it. They could keep pushing through for a gene therapy, but one was months away at best. Without a major push in the right direction, they were just poking at things with sticks.

It may have been years since she worked there, but Cosima noticed how Delphine walked right in, followed by the goon-guards from outside, and looked like she owned the place. Everyone still remembered her. Some wanted to stop for a chat, or the very European cheek kisses. Cosima had very little idea what they were saying. Her French was getting better, but she was still a beginner and French speakers spoke very fast. There was too much at stake for her to even pretend to be interested in what was being said anyway.

Delphine gripped her hand tighter and waved off an escort, saying something along the lines of remembering the way, from what Cosima could pick out. She took a deep breath and focused on her breathing.

_In and out. In and out. In and out. In 1 2 3 4 out 5 6 7 8_

“Hey”

Coming to a stop she looked up into the most beautiful hazel eyes she had ever seen. No matter what was going to happen, nothing would change the weight that lifted whenever she looked into those eyes. It made absolutely no sense. Nothing changed. Her problems didn't magically disappear, but with Delphine by her side, those problems didn't feel so drowning. When Delphine was near, Cosima actually felt that she could deal. Though if Dr. Duncan wasn't this saving grace they needed....

“I'm here for you. Always.”

Cosima smiled, briefly brushing their lips together before a woman came and guided them to an office-a very cluttered and seemingly disorganized office, where a tall, thin, older man stood in front of a shelf with a file in his hands, mumbling to himself.

He didn't seem to notice them. “Dr. Duncan?” Delphine began.

The old man jumped, the file in his hands falling to the floor. “Ah, goodness me. My apologies.” Delphine bent down to help him gather the various papers he dropped. “Dr. Cormier, I presume?”

Once stood up, he turned to Cosima with a warm smile on his face. Cosima knew how eccentric some scientists could be, but this office was a mess. Packed full of various books and journals and papers, and maybe a bird cage in the corner there. Duncan's clothes and lab coat were a wrinkled, dishevelled mess, but despite all of that, she trusted him. He had kind eyes and a soft handshake. “Miss Niehaus.”

“Oh, please, it's just Cosima.”

“Cosima.” He nodded. “Then please call me Ethan. Let's work on getting you well, shall we?”

* * *

“When exposed to the serum, the cells all swelled. But then some of them immediately started degrading and folding in on themselves and some just burst.” Cosima explained, focusing the microscope and stepping aside to show Duncan.

“Yes, yes.” He agreed, looking down the microscope.

“But, we haven't been able to determine why. Why do some cells degrade and some explode?” _And what would that do inside my body?_

Duncan mumbled to himself as he shifted through the files and the papers spread out over the table. His notes and research combined with Cosima and Delphine’s. The women quickly learned Duncan thought much like his office was organized. Messily, and with no clear or discernible pattern to an outsider. “Have you tried with fresh samples?”

“No.” Delphine answered. “We ran out of your serum.”

“I know there's a lot we need to test it on, but we need a better way to predict what it's going to do with these cells. We can't go injecting something into my body if half the masses are going to burst.”

“Quite right.” Duncan agreed, moving a new slide under the microscope and examining it as Delphine and Cosima looked at one another, wishing he would let them into his brain for just a moment. “And these samples were frozen?”

“Yes.”

“Together?”

Cosima shrugged. “I don't know how they were storing them.”

“Well, you are right. We do need fresh samples. The cells should all be doing the same thing if they have the same genetic make-up. I'll go and book a theater.”

Cosima's blood ran cold. “A what?”

“An operating room.” Delphine clarified, earning an eyeroll from her girlfriend. Cosima knew perfectly well what a _theatre_ referred to in the medical sense. She was just hoping she heard wrong.  
  
“Yes. We need to get fresh samples at once.” Duncan explained, heading out of the room. “From the masses, lung tissue, blood. You will assist, Dr. Cormier.”

“Wh...” Cosima slowly looked from the door closed behind Dr. Duncan to her girlfriend, eyes wide. “Seriously?”

Delphine's shoulders fell. Closing the distance between then, she gently cupped her girlfriend's face in her hands, bringing her in for a kiss. “We knew we would need fresh samples eventually.” Cosima's eyes welled up with tears. Delphine made a promise to her. Promised to be there through everything. “I will be right there the entire time.”

“No, I know.” Cosima nodded. “It's just...”

“Everything is getting very real very quickly.” Delphine finished, receiving a small smile and a “yeah” in response.

“But, yeah, let's do it.” Cosima backhanded the salty tracks from her cheeks and nodded once. “I'll do anything.”

“So will I.”

“You're damn right you will.” Cosima smirked. “Because after this I am going to need some _serious_ TLC.” Visions of her girlfriend in a lab coat and nothing else, well maybe that pair of boots she kept under their bed, brought a smile to her face.

“We will go in laproscopically,” Delphine explained trying to assuage her tiny lover's fear, seeing right through her cheeky comment and smile. “Take a small sample. I am not sure how much Dr. Duncan will require, but it shouldn't be much.”

Cosima listened to every word even though she knew perfectly well what to expect. This wasn't her first rodeo. There were so many procedures and biopsies she had been through already since her diagnosis. There probably wasn't anything that could be done to the human lungs that hadn't been done to her, but she listened nonetheless. The information coming from Delphine was different. It filled her with a sense of calm rather than trepidation.

It was inherently more invasive than a needle biopsy, but they needed a larger sample which required surgery rather than a simpler procedure. “If you're going to take a sample, why not just take an entire mass out? The more you take, the more we can test.”

“I will ask Dr. Duncan what his plan is, but whereas we will already be...euh...in there, I don't see why we couldn't.” A promise had been made for her to be Cosima's girlfriend first, but they had struck an unspoken truce. Cosima knew when it was necessary for Delphine to be her doctor. They were much closer since their fight and were both very happy with the adjustments they had made, but Delphine was having a harder time than ever separating the girlfriend from the doctor. Doctors weren't supposed to treat family members or loved ones for this exact reason. Soon they would be inside her girlfriend's chest cavity. That wasn't anything she wanted to see first hand. The images from the monthly tests they ran were quite enough, but at the same time she needed to be there. It wasn't that she doubted Dr. Duncan's abilities or any of the medical personnel who would be in the room, but this was Cosima. _Her_ Cosima.

“Video-assisted?”

“Probably.” Delphine answered. “Though if we are going to remove an entire mass, it may need to be open.”

Cosima took a minute to digest the information. “And you'll be right there, right?” She looked at Delphine with fear in her eyes. Delphine wasn’t a surgeon or a nurse so at most all she would do was hand over tools or take a sample, but Cosima needed to know she would be there.

Delphine looked deep into Cosima's eyes, trying to convey everything there weren't words for. Come hell or high water, as long as there was breath left in her body, she would be there. “Always.”

* * *

Cosima woke some time later, the smile immediately returning to her face. “There was a farmer who had a dog and Delphine was her name-o!” She sung with a chuckle. “P-U-P-P-Y, P-U-P-P-Y, P-U-P-P-Y, 'cause Delphine is a pupp-y!”

“And that is quiet enough of that.” Delphine shook her head as Cosima laughed beside her and took the PCA pump out of her hand.

“Aw, come on Delphiiiiiine! Don't kill my buzz, man.”

Putting the pump out of the brunette's reach, Delphine sat down on the edge of the bed and lifted the gown Cosima was wearing to reveal two small incisions on the outside of her ribs under her left arm. Thankfully they had been able to do everything laproscopically with video assist and didn’t have to open Cosima’s chest. Lifting the bandages she was relieved to see no abnormal redness or discharge. Just normal swelling and a little bit of blood. The drainage from her chest tube had already slowed considerably which was another good sign. “How are you feeling?”

Cosima's smile widened as she looked up at her girlfriend. “Depends on what you're wearing under that lab coat, _Doctor Cormier.”_

Looking at Cosima's exposed breast under the gown, Delphine replaced the bandages and covered the brunette back up. “Is sex all you ever think about?”

“Kinda.” Cosima winked. “What am I on?”

“Morphine.”

“Good shit, dude. Way better than pot. Think you can get me some of this back home too?”

Delphine's face fell. How much pain was Cosima hiding behind cheeky comments and bright smiles? “If you need it, yes.”

Cosima's smile faded. This was the best she had felt in months. When you live in chronic pain you just sort of accept some level as your baseline even though it never really goes away, but right now she didn't feel so much as a twinge anywhere. It wouldn't last long, she knew. Now that she was awake they would wean her off, but it was nice while it lasted. A much better high than pot. And no cotton mouth or subsequent munchies which was a plus. Though honestly she could use the munchies. Her appetite wasn't good and she was losing weight fast.

As some of the fog cleared, she looked down and saw the tube hanging out of her chest and her good mood quickly deflated. There was no avoiding any of this now; couldn't avoid thinking about the reality of her situation or dealing with it now. It was here whether or not she was prepared. Maybe it was better that she didn't know they would be doing any of this today so she didn't have time to think about it. They enjoyed a nice few days in France, with a few bumps in the road, but how much of that would have been ruined if she had been worrying about this?

“We removed a couple of the larger masses from your lungs. Took samples of healthy lung tissue as well. We shouldn't have to do this again.” Delphine said with a smile, leaning down to gently kiss her girlfriend.

“Unless after Duncan's treatment you have to go back in and take more out to see if it's working.” Cosima knew Delphine wasn't the one physically going into her chest cavity and removing masses and tissue. It was more of a general _you._

“Let's take it one step at a time.”

Cosima nodded and Delphine updated her on what was going on. They had cells from each of the masses they removed, the lung tissue and blood currently marinating in Duncan's mystery serum. He still refused to tell them what it was made of. Part of Cosima believed he didn't even remember at this point. Delphine pulled out a tablet and pulled up the live video feeds from the cameras the samples were all under. A recent addition Delphine assured her would already be in their lab by the time they returned home. There were no changes to any of the cells yet, but it was still early. The cultures had only just been prepared.

“We injected the serum into one of the whole masses as well.” The blonde explained. When there was no response she looked over to see Cosima had fallen asleep. “Sleep well mon amour.”

* * *

Two days later, sans chest tube, Cosima was back in the lab and none too happy. The serum worked on each of the samples from the masses they tested it on. On the cellular level, it broke each individual cell down. It sort of made the cell look like it was melting as it shrunk. There was no more bursting, not that they could explain why some of the tests they did back in Toronto showed that. Most likely explanation was the samples were improperly stored which resulted in the cells becoming unstable.

According to Duncan's research and their simulations, models and tests, the serum needed to be injected into each of the masses individually. They completely submerged one mass in the serum, and tried every different method other than injection they could think of, dividing the masses into sections to test each method – no change. The only way the mass broke down was by direct injection. They set up a lung-like cavity with ‘veins’ and ‘tissue’ with Cosima's own blood cycling through and, if the stakes hadn't been so high Cosima would have stepped back and marveled at how absolutely amazing it was to be able to do something like that, injected the serum into one of said ‘veins’ and in spots on the ‘tissue,’ but by the time it filtered down into the mass it did very little. The only method that did what they needed it to was direct injection.

Unfortunately, the serum didn't seem to break down every cell either. If even one cell survived, which their tests were showing to be the case, the mass would re-grow. And it took time for the mass to break down. It wasn't instantaneous.

“We don't have that kind of time,” Cosima exclaimed. “There are literally hundreds of them! And what about the ones in my trachea, my diaphragm? We can't possible inject this stuff into each and every mass. It's just not realistic. What about new ones?”

“We will still work on a gene therapy,” Delphine offered. “We clear out the current growths with Duncan's treatment and continue working on a permanent cure.”

“So I'm looking at a future with dozens of surgeries.”

“Every other month or so I am afraid based on the data. You could stretch it to every three, but I would recommend doing it sooner than that.” Duncan said, apologetically. “I am so sorry Cosima. I should have kept pushing, but when my subject died I was moved to another project.”

The room fell into silence until Duncan left an hour later. “It's something.” Delphine began quickly before Cosima could open her mouth. “And it works.”

“It's major surgery every few months Delphine! Do you have any idea how long it takes to heal from lung surgery?” It wouldn't be possible to do this as a procedure with a local anesthetic. There were too many masses for them to be shoving a needle through her skin, muscle and tissue for each and every mass.

According to Duncan's limited research into the disease before he was moved onto a new project, the serum had a short span of time it was effective. It only stayed in the body for about a month to a month and a half and then whatever remained of the masses would start to re-grow. Cosima's masses, despite causing a vast host of issues, were more plentiful rather than large, so in that month they should all be gone, visibly. But, the serum was, in a way, incomplete. It lacked that final one-two knock-out punch needed to completely eradicate the disease. It left infected cells deep within the lung tissue that would enable each mass to grow back thus requiring future surgeries. It would be better to do the future surgeries when the masses were still small. The serum stayed in the body for about month so the smaller the masses, the more of a chance the serum would get those last stubborn cells.

Every other month made the most sense. Inject the masses, the serum continued to work for that first month, then another month for the masses to re-grow. That would give them enough time to be large enough to be visible, even if just barely, and thus injectable, and hopefully wipe out every last cell.

“We can do it laparoscopically. Three incisions, one needle, guided by a thoracoscope.” Delphine assured. “It would be a long procedure and you would need to be under anesthesia, but it would be minimally invasive.”

“It's still surgery. Every other month.” _I'm already so weak.._ She sighed. “It's a treatment-”

“It is our best shot.”

“I'm not physically strong enough for it Delphine!” Cosima exclaimed with a bloody cough into the crook of her elbow and radiating pain from her healing incisions.

“Duncan said we can stretch it to every three months.” Delphine began gently, taking her girlfriend's hands in her own. Her shaky hands, Delphine noted. A surgery like this would be a lot on her already extremely weakened body. The one two days ago wasn't as involved as it would need to be with Duncan's serum and it took a lot out of Cosima. Her chest tube was able to be removed easily and the incisions were healing well and quickly, but she couldn't stand up for more than a couple minutes and it was harder for her to breathe, though that should fade as the pain did, and Delphine was concerned that she hadn't stopped shaking yet. Her test results showed no significant decline, but physically Cosima was suffering.

Every three months wasn't ideal, but the masses were slow growing. It was a year since her time in the hospital that had wiped them out that they were causing issue, so in the grand scheme of things an extra month shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Only Delphine was hyper aware that Cosima's doctor had given her two years and that two years was up in nine months and every month they added got them that much closer to that date. But, if they managed to get rid of the masses did that timeline still apply? There was still so much they didn't know.

“I will be there every step of the way mon amour.” A cheap trick, using French to sway Cosima, but Delphine told Cosima she would do anything, she meant it. “We use Duncan's treatment and keep pushing through for a gene therapy _with_ Duncan's notes.”

They weren't getting anywhere with a gene therapy. They were pursuing a few different avenues and though some looked promising, they were slow moving. There was still Delphine's project with the spiny mice where they were trying to switch on that same gene in Cosima's biology that allowed the mice to shed skin and fur. If they could somehow edit that gene to view the masses the same the gene in the mice viewed skin, hair and tissue, it could enable those masses to be shed. There was also a new study in the U.S. approved for one specific strain of childhood leukemia. The patient's T-cells were taken out of their blood, edited in a lab to attack cancer cells then put back into the patient's body. It was promising. Of course the treatment had been developed by DYAD and Delphine already had the team that developed it working to see if it could be used on Cosima, but that was a stretch.

However both of those were still merely treatments, but as long as it wasn't a treatment that required invasive surgeries and procedures, Cosima was willing. Scott was still trying to find the genetic reason for the disease. If they could find the cause, they could fix it. None of what they were looking into would do any good at curing this disease unless they could find the source.

Their best bet now was to continue off of Duncan's research. Find a way to get the serum into the faulty cells via a viral vector once they found a way to adjust it to not only break down the cells of the masses, but to cure each and every cell in her lung tissue so none of the defective cells survived to be able to re-grow.

“It is less than we hoped,” Delphine admitted softly, sadly. As much as she was trying to put on a brave face and be positive for Cosima, her heart hurt too. Everything had been hanging on this. It was their only hope. It was far from a dead end, but how helpful would it be, really? They had Duncan now. His notes and research, but there was still a massive mountain to get over to turn it into a curative gene therapy. They were still just poking at things with sticks.

“But it is something. And it works.” The doctor didn't need to say how much it would be putting Cosima's body through. Or all the pain it would lead her love straight into, all the pain she was asking Cosima to go through. They both knew. “Cosima, this is your only way forward. You can do this.”

Cosima heard the unspoken. _You don't have a choice._

The subject was dropped with them calling it a night and returning to the hotel. Cosima needed to process. She had been through all of this before. If she knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, she would do it no question, but who knew if and when they would find a gene therapy that would work and she would require surgery every other month until they did. She needed to think if this was really what she wanted. She couldn't do this for Delphine or her sisters or her mother. It had to be for herself.


	37. Grey Area

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG thanks to my beta, belowthesky, for working overtime and getting these chapters edited and back to me so I can post them more often!

****It had been a few weeks since their return from France and Cosima and Delphine were logging in long hours at the lab. They made a nap nest on the couch for Cosima when she needed a break, and they were making progress. Minimal process, at a snail's pace, but they were moving forward. She required high-flow oxygen twenty-four hours a day now, more pills than fit in the palm of her hand and Delphine even broke out the big guns, a heavy hitting course of injectable corticosteroids, but her spirits were more or less pretty good. There were good days and bad, but most remained somewhere slightly above the middle. Today was a good day-no, a GREAT day even because the day finally came that Beth's rehab team decided the worst of her detoxing was over and she was allowed visitors.

“Do you have the uhhh...the drawings from the kids?” Alison asked.

Sarah held up the neatly packaged neon file folder full of art projects, cards and random colorings from Kira, Oscar and Gemma.

“And the candy, do you have the candy? Beth asked for gum. Lots and lots of gum. And those sour things, what are they called again?”

Cosima held up a bag bigger than her head full of candy. She, Helena and her nieces had quite the field day filling that up. Resulting in Helena currently back at the house with her BFF Donnie singing her praises to the porcelain throne. Turned out there was such as too much, even for Helena. It was Cosima's fault for bringing her. She knew better. It was probably for the best, though. Helena didn't do well in places like this. The only explanation she ever gave was that it brought back memories.

“Alison, bloody hell, relax!”

“We have everything, Alison.” Cosima assured, shooting Sarah a look to knock it off. None of them had seen Beth in weeks. Cosima was the last when they dropped her off, so they were all a little anxious, but it was different for Alison. They were all sisters, yes. Biologically, but Alison and Beth were raised together. It was a different kind of bond none of the others would ever share no matter how close they were.

Alison mumbled a simple “hmm” as they entered the facility, going right to the desk. “Beth Childs?”

The young, probably just barely out of high school kid behind the desk took all of their IDs, his eyes wide, not leaving their identical faces as he took down their info in the visitor log. They often forgot they were identical and seeing this many identical people in one place wasn't a typical thing. As he handed the IDs back, Sarah couldn't help herself.

“Make sure the right one of us stays here when we leave, yeah? Would hate for the wrong one to get out.”

“Room fourteen.” He said with a shaky breath, pointing down a hall.

“That's your old room Alison, innit?” Sarah asked, always instigating.

“I thought Beth was still in detox?” Cosima asked, pushing Sarah behind her so she couldn't keep pushing at their sister's buttons. Sarah had a heart as big as the rest of them, but for the most part she acted like the bratty little sister no one asked for. It was all in good fun, though sometimes Sarah couldn't read people's limits and took things too far. Right now she was trying to calm the nervous energy rolling off Alison in thick waves, but Cosima knew Alison was stretched like a guitar string and with one wrong pluck she would snap.

“He-ey dipshits!”

Collective sighs of relief came from all four women before they launched themselves into a massive group hug. Even the wild one shed a tear or two. They could all still hear Alison's voice on the other side of that phone call, feel the tears streaming down their faces when they thought Beth was dead. The fear and sadness they felt every day that passed without a word on how Beth was doing while going through her withdrawal had them all constantly on edge, but here she was standing in front of them with a smile that said, _'I told you guys I could do it.'_

“Oh, God, please, no tears. I'm okay, really. Don't tell me you've all gone soft without me around?”

“I thought you were still in detox?” Cosima asked, handing her sister the massive bag in her hands.

Beth's eyes lit up. “Nope,” she smiled, gesturing around for them all to sit, helping Cosima with the oxygen tank she was permanently attached to nowadays before diving right into the bag of treats, passing it around to her sisters after she filled her hands.. “Let me out early for good behavior,” she joked. “Surprise! Now I just have to get through this place. One day at a time, right?”

For the next three hours the sisters sat around catching up. For the hell she had been through, Beth looked amazing. Her eyes were clear, her smile genuine, her hands steady. She told them how excruciating detox was and how, for the first few days, she legitimately thought she was going to die. “But, I pushed through. I thought of you guys and my nieces and nephew and my dip-shit of a partner.”

“Your boyfriend?” Sarah pushed, she and Helena sharing a knowing look between them.

“I did think of him. Once. Called him as soon as they gave me phone privileges to dump his ass. I tried calling him for a few days, but he never answered. Settled for leaving a message.”

Sarah, Cosima and Helena shared a knowing smirk. Paul Dierden got what he had coming to him. Cosima only knew because Sarah and Helena were drinking after and Helena called her and confessed. Rightfully so, she was quite proud of herself.

_Cosima's flight to France was the next day so she and her sisters were doing a quick dinner together._

_“Has anyone heard from Paul?” Alison asked. “He's her boyfriend you would think he would be worried about her, but he didn't even show up at the hospital.”_

_Sarah smirked, nudging Helena next to her. “'Lena, you know where Paul is?”_

_Helen shrugged. “Maybe he is taking a very long nap.”_

_“A nap?” Alison asked._

_“A trip.” Cosima corrected. A trip was much more believable than a days long nap._

_“Why do we care? Guy is a prick. Beth's better off without him.” Sarah said in her usual gruffness and the topic of conversation quickly changed. Paul Dierden wouldn't be bothering any of them again._

Beth didn't know what was going to happen with her job. Her drugs of choice weren't common knowledge. Most were prescriptions, anyway, so unless her bosses found out about the cocaine, which was unlikely given the confidentiality of the program, it wasn't likely she would lose her job. Technically her drug use never interfered with her work so she was in a sort of grey area. Art was going to visit her soon and would know more.

It was good to see Beth smiling again. See color in her cheeks, hear her voice and her sarcasm. “You know they make grown ass adults do arts and crafts?”

Of course Beth wanted to catch-up on everyone else's lives as well. Sarah was par for the course. For someone who could never be still, she was doing a better job at it than any of them. Running Clone Club and driving the car pool. If her younger self could see her now she would have jumped in front of a train. Alison, too, was in a sort of holding pattern. She took care of the kids and did crafts, she explained, with a pointed look at Beth.

Then there was Cosima. Beth wanted to know all the juicy details from her time in France. “Seriously, tell me everything. I'm dying in this dry, sexless place. And the not-so-juicy details,” she said, her eyes traveled up the long tube from the oxygen tank. “You're going to do this surgery, right?”

Cosima looked around at each of the expectant faces around her before slowly nodding. “Yeah. First surgery is tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.” Cosima always subscribed to the motto, _'go big or go home,'_ and this was going big. She decided she needed to fight with everything she had in her and agreed to three surgeries over six months. The first was tomorrow, next would be mid-March and the third mid-June. That would give them a good chunk of time to make some decent headway with the gene therapy. After six months they could re-evaluate. With Duncan's serum, things wouldn't get any worse. They would get better for a short amount of time after the treatment. As the masses in her lungs broke down. Until they regrew and Duncan's continued testing in Paris determined that they _would_ re-grow. It wasn't a cure and it didn't last very long, but she wouldn’t get worse.

“What about this gene therapy?” Alison asked. “How's that coming along?”

“We've made some progress, but it's still at months before we might have anything. Or we might not,” she told them honestly. “Sometimes I think we are so close, but then I turn around and whatever it was we were working on failed. Feels like something’s been against us from the start.”

“And you and Delphine?” Beth asked, a concerned expression replacing her teasing smirk. “You guys good now?”

Cosima couldn't hide her blush if she tried. “We're great.”

“Can't believe you got a bleedin' sex toy through customs.” Sarah joked, deepening Cosima's blush.

“Where there's a will, there's a way.” Beth said, the light, teasing tone of the moment instantly vanishing.

“Well, our _will_ s are changed now.” Cosima began, looking at each of her sisters. “We are all going to fight.” She looked at Sarah. “To be happy.” She looked at Alison. “To be healthy.” She looked at Beth and reached out for her hand, giving her fingers a tight squeeze. “And for each other when we don't have the strength.”

* * *

“You better be gentle in there.” Cosima instructed as she was wheeled into the operating room the next day. “Seriously Delphine, Christmas is in two weeks. Do you know what Alison will do to you if I'm not back to normal in time for her Christmas party? She goes absolutely ape shit if we aren't in pristine condition for her yearly family Christmas picture. She _will_ kill you and in my condition, I'm in no shape to defend your honor.”

“Why is this all on me? I am not the surgeon.” As great as Delphine was, this was all over her head. It took a lot to get the clearance to even be allowed in the operating room, but she promised Cosima she would be there for everything and she would be. Even if she had to argue with Leekie and anyone else who stood in her way to do it.

_“You are neither a surgeon, a nurse or an anesthesiologist. Nor do you even have her blood type should she need a transfusion. What value could you possibly have in there?” Leekie leaned back in his chair, a knowing smirk on his face. “Your leverage is running out, Delphine.”_

_Delphine glared down at her boss and threw the paperwork for Cosima's surgery down on his desk. “I will be in that room with her.”_

“Yeah, well, tell that to the Judge. I still have to do, like, _all_ my shopping too,” she sighed. “Thank God for Amazon Prime.” With everything going on they all agreed on no gifts except for the children. Beth was in rehab, Cosima and Delphine were fighting for Cosima's life, the club was busier than ever keeping Sarah extremely busy, Felix was preparing for a big art show he had the day after the New Year, Siobhan was out of the country, Alison wasn't technically busy, but she had two kids and a husband who all required constant monitoring which just left Helena and she usually insisted on getting everyone jell-o. Granted _lots_ of jell-o, so they agreed no gifts.

However, that still left her nieces, nephew, her mother, and Delphine to shop for in the next two weeks after having surgery and recovering. Delphine tried to get Cosima on board with the no gift deal for them too, but Cosima flat out refused. She didn't care if Delphine got her anything, but there was the very real possibility that this would be her last Christmas so she was going to do it right. Starting with ignoring the no gifts thing entirely!

Cosima gripped her girlfriend's hand tighter as they were momentarily left in the big, sterile room by themselves while everyone got ready. Delphine leaned down and kissed Cosima. “You will be fine.”

Cosima nodded. “I know.”

“I will be here, by your side, every second.”

“I know.” Cosima smiled, reaching up with her hand not sporting the IV and caressing the side of the blonde's face. “I seriously can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.”

“Cosima-”

“No, let me get this out.” With a deep breath Cosima shook her head. “You have done so much for me. I can't-”

“Are you ready, Ms. Niehaus?”

Cosima's hand dropped back down to the bed as her eyes shot to the anesthesiologist who so perfectly interrupted their moment. “Baring my soul here, dude.”

“Sorry.” For his part, he did look genuinely apologetic as he took up his seat by her head. “But we're already running behind and Dr. Leekie-”

“Yeah yeah.” Cosima waved him off, looking up at Delphine. Delphine was her rock. Looking up into her warmth, her love, was the last image Cosima wanted seared into her brain before she went under. “I love you.”

Delphine leaned down and gave her girlfriend another kiss, her thumb tracing her lower lip for a moment after she pulled away. “Je t'aime.”

“See ya on the flipside, dollface.” She joked, her tongue poking out behind her teeth. Joking helped. If she joked, she didn't panic. If she joked and kept her eyes locked onto her girlfriend, she didn't feel so scared. Delphine gave her so much strength just by being there. Even on her worst days, she was there silently giving Cosima the strength and courage to go on. Without words she made Cosima believe that everything would be okay in the end. As they say, if it's not okay, it's not the end. Alison recently embroidered her a pillow with the phrase on it, so Cosima assumed it was something the theoretical _they_ said, anyway. “Oh, and hey, happy anniversary.”

Delphine's face fell. “Cosima, I completely forgot. I-”

But Cosima was having none of it. She waved her off. “There's been so much going on Delphine. I almost didn't remember myself. Honestly, don't worry about it. We couldn't celebrate any better than we did last night anyway,” she said with a wink.

Delphine chuckled and leaned down for a better kiss, the anesthesiologist be damned. Last night was amazing. The kind of love making people wrote sonnets and poems about. The kind of connection two people shared that most of the population of Earth would never experience. It was beyond anything that could be articulated or seen. It could only be felt. When they pulled away a grin broke out over Delphine's face as she pulled a single purple rose from behind her back and bopped Cosima on the nose with it.

“You sneak, you didn't forget!” Cosiam exclaimed, taking the rose and properly smelling it. It was beautiful. A purple rose, symbolizing love at first sight. Being so rare, purple roses had a reputation for being magical or from another world altogether, much like love at first sight. They represented creativity, openness and infinite possibilities. “Where were you hiding it?”

Delphine smirked, taking the rose back and bringing it to her own nose. “I'll have it in your room when you get back.” With a nod from Delphine, the anesthesiologist injected the drug into Cosima's IV and placed a mask over her mouth and nose. “Count back from ten.”

Cosima was asleep before she got to seven, her hand still tucked securely into Delphine's. “Sleep tight mon amour.”

* * *

“Cosima? . . Cosima? . . .” Delphine sighed and checked her watch again. As gently as she could, she lifted each of Cosima's eyelids and shone a little light on them to check the reactiveness of her pupils. They looked fine. Her heartbeat looked fine-great, even. The three incision sites and her chest tube looked fine. Her oxygenation looked fine. Her temperature and blood pressure looked fine. She just wasn't fine.

“She should be awake by now.” Sarah said, pacing by the end of the bed.

Delphine nodded. “Yes, she should.”

“Why isn't she?” Felix asked from his spot across the room.

“I don't know.

“The hell you mean you don't know?” Sarah snapped, grabbing onto the plastic footboard to prevent her hands from reaching for the nearest object and throwing it. “You're her doctor. It's been months. If you're as good as Cosima insists you are, you should know a little more about this...disease by now.”

“I'm not a surgeon,” she explained, trying not to take Sarah's anger and agitation personally. Whenever she was around Sarah she tried not to take anything personally. “Cosima?” She tried again.

“Maybe you should take your top off.”

Delphine's head whipped around and if she were anywhere else people would have been calling for a Priest. “Excuse me?”

Sarah sighed, her features softening as she looked from her sister lying lifeless in the hospital bed connected to various wires and tubes, to Delphine. “If I have to bloody hear about your bloody sex life one more bloody time I will lose it, but it makes Cos happy. It...” Sarah fumbled around, trying to think of the right words. “Gives her that...boost or whatever she needs to go on, you know?”

Delphine's eyes went to Cosima. Sarah's idea was absolutely ridiculous, but there was a good point in there somewhere she was trying to make.

“I wouldn't say it's a very good idea.” Felix shrugged. “But it's not a _bad_ idea either. Give her a little show or something. We won't look. Touch her or … something.”

Delphine would do neither of the sort with her girlfriend unconscious in the hospital. She knew her girlfriend wouldn't have a problem with it, but touching her in any way other than for what was medically necessary while she was unconscious felt inherently wrong, but … “Maybe a kiss?” She offered, hesitantly. She was okay with holding Cosima's hand when she wasn't conscious and stroking her cheek, but anything further she liked for her girlfriend to have the option to say no, even if she knew she wouldn't.

It had been over six hours since Cosima's surgery ended. Patients were expected to wake up within the first hour, with it rarely taking even that long. Two at the very latest. To say six hours was worrying didn't come close to covering it. Cosima had been for a detailed MRI, but that hadn't given them any more information than the other tests they ran that also showed no reason for her current state of unconsciousness.

Nothing was working. Not stimulants, external stimulation, intravenous caffeine, loud noises, different colored lights placed over her eyelids, pain, even those God awful ammonia inhalants/smelling salts didn't do the trick. That had been a last resort as they work by irritating the nose and lungs, but even that hadn't caused so much as a blip in anything...There was nothing left but to wait, so why not try it? It wouldn't cause any harm. Worst case scenario, she looked like a complete fool and Sarah made fun of her for the rest of her life, but at least she would have tried. She promised to try anything.

“It worked for Snow White.” Felix argued.

“I thought it was Sleeping Beauty?” Delphine asked, turning back to look at Felix.

“Oh! No, no, you're right.” Felix nodded, staring far off as he recalled the stories. “Snow White was love's _first_ kiss which you guys are _long_ passed. Sleeping Beauty was _true_ love's kiss.”

“You two are bloody mental.”

“Do you have a better idea?” Felix snapped to which Sarah glared. “I thought not.” Turning back to Delphine he went on, “Snow White was technically dead anyway, so probably best to skip that story altogether.”

“Great story for kids.” Sarah added under her breath.

Felix glared at his sister. “Don't be bitter just because you have yet to find _your_ true love darling. Good things come to those who wait.”

“Both of you, please! Just...” Delphine faltered. “I need to think.”

_From this slumbering_  
_she shall wake_  
_When true love's kiss  
          the spell shall break_

What did she have to lose?

With a look to Sarah, the brunette walked over to the window and looked out, giving them some privacy and Felix turned around in his chair. Though even as she brought her lips down to her girlfriend's, Delphine could feel both sets of eyes burning into the back of her head, hopeful.

“Now what?” Delphine asked when she pulled away.

“You're asking me?” Sarah scoffed. “Hell if I know. I didn't have anyone around when I was young to read me bloody fairy tales now did I?”

“Well you...” Delphine stopped. She was about to say that Sarah had to have read fairy tales to her daughter when she was young, but Cosima told her that Sarah was in and out of Kira's life until she was about eight, so her fairy tale reading was probably pretty limited.

Delphine's father used to read her all sorts of stories when she was little. Her favorites, which she was sometimes ashamed to admit, were anything with blonde haired characters. As a child who felt so unlike everyone else around her, she yearned to feel a connection even if it was only by hair color. _Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Hansel and Gretel._ The very books her father once read now sat on a shelf in the small bookcase beside the window seat in the guest bedroom. Whenever Kira was over she begged Delphine to read from them. They were in French, but Kira was proving to be a quick study and, along with learning the language in school, probably knew more than her Aunt at this point.

“True love's kiss my arse.”

With a sigh Delphine drew her gaze from her girlfriend to the identical woman across the room, before settling on the rose on the bedside table. This was certainly not how she ever imagined spending her one year anniversary with the love of her life. “The stories are meant for children,” she reasoned, even though a small part of her deflated. She was a grown woman and a scientist! True love's kiss wasn't a real concept, neither were its fabled powers of quasi-resurrection. It was stupid to put any amount of hope into a concept so fundamentally flawed. Maybe the childlike hope within everyone never completely died. Some part of you wants to believe in magic and the power of love and good prevailing over evil even though adults knew better.

“What's true love anyway?” Felix commented.

What determined someone's true love? Was that the same as their soulmate? In that case, a lot more fairy tale princesses would be dead because it was a mathematical rarity for someone to find the one person on the planet made for them. The one person out of billions. It was statistically, nearly, impossible.

With a deep breath Sarah kicked the wall, hard, causing Delphine to jump, grabbing Cosima's hand tighter as she did. “More bloody bullshit.”

“Duuuude...” Cosima croaked out softly. “Don't harsh on true love. It's totes....” Stopping for a moment with a grimace on her face to take a couple deep breaths, Cosima finally opened her eyes and smiled up at her girlfriend. “Real.”

Felix and Sarah rushed to their sister's side, clear relief and disbelief etched across their faces. “Holy shite! That actually worked...” Felix exclaimed, mouth open wide in shock.

“What worked?” Cosima groaned.

“True love's kiss or whatever. It's not just a bleedin' fairytale. Wait until Alison hears about this.”

Delphine paid Sarah no mind as she moved her stethoscope to her ears and gave a quick check to Cosima's lungs. There was no change in the raspiness yet, and wouldn't be for probably at least a week, but there was air moving in both lungs which was always a good sign after lung surgery. She checked and rechecked the monitors and Cosima's chest tube output, listened to her heart, checked her pulse, her oxygenation levels, blood pressure, temperature, the incision sites and made some notes in her chart before she took a deep breath and let the fear she had been trying so hard not to drown in the past six hours finally be felt.

Cosima heard her girlfriend gasp and tore her eyes from her sister and Felix, their conversation quickly dying down.

“We'll just...go...get you uh...pudding or...something.” Felix said, grabbing Sarah's hand and pulling her out of the room.

“Jell-o? I'm sure Helena has a couple batches ready.” Sarah joked before Felix pulled her out and closed the door behind them.

Once they were gone Cosima turned to Delphine with a smirk. “I actually woke-up in the middle of that whole conversation,” she said slowly, on short, raspy breaths, with a cheeky smirk. “I just wanted to see what you all would do. Did you see their faces?”

Delphine shook her head, trying desperately to calm herself down by focusing on Cosima's chart. “How are you feeling?”

Cosima sighed. She could see Delphine hiding behind her emotions and, while she understood, she didn't like it. There was pain written clear as day on her girlfriend's face and while it was unlike the physical pain she currently felt, it was no less important. “Like I just had my chest hacked into,” she answered honestly, completely deadpan. For as much pain as Cosima was in, she wanted to get the questions over with so she could take Delphine in her arms and reassure her that she was okay.

“Are you in pain? You have a morphine pump, I know it's your favorite.” Delphine attempted to joke.

“Delphine.” Cosima said softly. “Will you just come here?”

Delphine closed the file and held it to her chest, shaking her head.

“Please.” Cosima pressed, tilting her head to the side in that way Delphine never could resist.

Knowing holding her emotions back was a lost cause, Delphine admitted defeat and just let the tears fall. She let herself feel all the emotions she had been holding back since she last looked into Cosima's eyes. There were no words she could find to accurately describe how she just wanted to panic these past few hours. Her heart was in her throat every second that passed by so she forced herself into doctor mode. Dr. Cormier could handle a patient not waking up. It would be worrisome, yes, but as a doctor she could handle it. Dr. Cormier was cool and calm. She was in control and detached and didn't let her emotions show. Delphine, on the other hand, wanted to scream and yell and cry and drag anyone she could find in here until they figured out why the love of her life wasn't waking up!

Cosima smiled and raised her right arm, holding the blanket up. “See, I've even got a good side for you to snuggle up to. Come on.”

As carefully and as she could, Delphine crawled into the small bed beside Cosima and wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her as tightly as she could without risking hurting her. “It's been six hours since your surgery, Cosima.” Now that Cosima was awake and she was sure she was going to be okay, her emotions flowed freely from behind the wall she erected to keep them contained. A feeling would come to her and she would recognize it, let herself feel it. Then just when she thought she had a handle on it, another came from deeper within that feeling. Like a Matryoshka doll, more and more feelings revealed themselves.

“Shhh. You know me, always kinda late.” Cosima cooed, covering her girlfriend with the blanket and pulling her tight against her side. “Maybe if you would stop looking so damn sexy every second of every day, I could resist the urge to throw you down on the closest available surface, and I wouldn't need to be drugged into unconsciousness to catch up on my sleep.”

“So this is my fault?” Delphine chuckled.

“Maybe,” Cosima shrugged, wincing slightly. Probably best not to move any part of her left side for a bit. Delphine looked up at her with a raised brow. “I'm okay,” she assured her girlfriend quickly. “Maybe not _okay_ okay, but I'm awake, you're here and I'm going to get better,” she let out a shaky breath, trying to breathe through the pain.

Delphine carefully reached across her girlfriend and handed her the familiar grey hand control, pressing the red button before she let go, releasing a dose of morphine into her girlfriend's IV line. “I may look like shit now, but this time tomorrow I'll be doing a tap dance.”

Delphine nodded with a smile, pressing the button for her girlfriend again as she gently nuzzled as close into Cosima as she could, feeling and smelling as much of her around herself as she could. As much as she wanted to do this when Cosima was still asleep, neither Felix or Sarah had left Cosima's side. Felix was actually helpful. He was a good conversationalist. He tried to distract Delphine with tales from his days as a prostitute, current art projects he was working on and his current infatuation, a morgue attendant Beth introduced him to months ago named Colin, but Delphine was only half listening at most. No amount of distraction would ever take the place of simply feeling Cosima in her arms where she belonged.

“You couldn't have seriously believed kissing me would wake me up. I wouldn't peg you for the kind to believe in _true love's kiss_.” Cosima teased after a while, breaking through the silence.

Delphine chuckled, wiping her face with a turn of her head. With a shaky hand she cupped Cosima's cheek and guided her lips to her own. “Sarah and Felix made a compelling argument.”

“I'm sure they did.” Cosima chuckled, reaching for another kiss which was quickly granted. “Maybe there's something to it. The hell do I know anyway?”

Delphine raised an eyebrow in her girlfriend's direction. Cosima was a little high, but she had certainly seen her higher. Her eyes couldn't seem to stay open and her head kept falling to her chest. “Just sleep, ma chérie. You need it.”

“I'm not saying true love's kiss is real.” Cosima continued, opening her eyes wide and gesturing with her free hand. “I'm just saying,” Her head dipped down again with Delphine rubbing soothing patterns across her stomach. “That I'm willing to think that maybe there are more to things than what can be explained. There's a whole big messy...grey area.”

“Maybe. Or maybe it had been six hours and you knew you were about to give your girlfriend a heart attack.” Delphine half-heartedly chastised.

“Maybe,” Cosima mumbled as she lost the battle to stay awake.

Delphine watched her girlfriend drift off, content she was now simply asleep and not still unconscious. Her body was fighting so hard just to exist that this kind of surgery would really wipe her out. They injected over two hundred masses from her lungs and trachea of various sizes. They tried to measure them as best they could, but that was difficult to do without cracking Cosima's chest and opening her lungs. They took detailed measurements yesterday as part of the presurgical work-up so they did have the measurements from that. Delphine just hope they would have been able to get more exact ones during the surgery. The measurements they had were pretty accurate and would have to do.

The masses in her diaphragm would stay, for now. As would the ones in her larynx. Delphine pushed for Cosima to let them inject those too, but they couldn't get to either from her lungs which would mean more incisions and getting to the masses would be trickier in both places. Cosima argued the masses on her diaphragm weren't impeding her breathing at the moment or causing any real harm other than at least daily hiccups, but those were more annoying than anything else and, _“Honestly, even if they fully invade my larynx, assuming I can still breathe obvs, I'm sure everyone would be happy because then I would finally be forced to shut up. Besides, we'll wipe them all out when we find the cure.”_

What mattered was they got all the current masses in her lungs and trachea. The masses would already be beginning to breakdown, the cells swelling with Duncan's serum. Cosima would be pretty uncomfortable for a couple of days, but as the swelling went down and the cells started to fold in on themselves and shrink the masses, the relief would quickly follow. The steroids would help with Cosima's comfort level and to speed up the process. They should begin seeing changes in a week, but for right now they could both rest. This wasn't a cure by any means, but it was the first real step toward getting Cosima well.


	38. Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet, happy chapter anyone?

****A few days after surgery, Delphine found herself sending silent thanks to Duncan, God, the universe, Shay for breaking Cosima's heart and starting a chain of events that led to her and Cosima here together, Kira for begging her aunt to move to Toronto, Siobhan and Felix and all of Cosima's sisters for keeping her going and encouraging her to let Delphine in, because Cosima was, more or less, up to her old antics. Even if she was also working Delphine's every last nerve, testing just how far she could push before her girlfriend's saint-like patience ran out.

The first couple of days after the surgery had been hell. The pain, never quite being able to catch her breath, the panic at never quite being able to catch her breath...Cosima had been petrified. There was a voice screaming nothing but doubt in her head. It seemed as if the tears never left her face and her hand never let go of Delphine's, but one day she woke-up and it all stopped, and the voice was gone. Every day that followed she felt a tiny bit better.

It wasn't until about ten days after that Cosima started to notice she was reliably breathing easier and, with her girlfriend's blessing, she reduced the time she had to wear the cannula to just overnight and when she felt she needed it. The scan they did at one week post-op showed the masses were already getting smaller. At two weeks post-op they were about half the size they had been and the cannula was put away in a closet. The masses in Cosima's trachea were almost completely gone already as well as the smaller masses in her lungs. If things continued at the current rate they anticipated the larger masses in her lungs to be completely gone in another two weeks. So, while she wouldn't be ringing in the new year with clear lungs just yet, she would be able to join in Felix's ever wonderful, _ahem_ ...drunken, rendition of _Auld Lang Syne._

The shaking stopped, her energy _greatly_ increased, there was no more wheezing or raspiness when she breathed, she could go up several flights of stairs without getting winded, her appetite was back and she was putting weight back on, her test results and scans were all looking great. The disease was receding!

“Delphine, come on! You love me.” Cosima whined for the umpteenth time.

“Yes, and today I seem to be repeatedly asking myself _'why?'_ ” Delphine lightly jabbed, pushing her girlfriend back down on the bed with a hand to her chest as she buttoned up her shirt.

“Ow!” Cosima exclaimed, a hand flying to her chest. “I just had surgery.”

Delphine didn't even try to hide her eye roll this time as she grabbed the earrings off the dresser and put them in. “You had three small incisions two weeks ago Cosima. You are fine.”

“I'm dying.” Cosima protested, to which Delphine gave her a cold stare that made Cosima shut her mouth quickly. “They still hurt,” she mumbled.

“I am not kissing them better again. If they still hurt that bad maybe we will have to tone down the sex.” Thankfully it was an empty threat, because Delphine couldn't remember a time in her life when her skin had hummed so much. Even when they weren't together, even when it had been hours since Cosima touched her, a gentle buzz pulsed just under her skin, running off the memory of Cosima's lips, hands, tongue and teeth on her skin and the anticipation of when they next would be. She never had to wait long.

“Delphine!” Cosima whined again, rolling onto her back as her girlfriend looked for a pair of boots. She chose a pair that went over her knees and Cosima felt a heat low in her belly. Delphine wore those during a particularly thorough role-play once... “Do you really have to work today?” She tried, lowering her voice and elongating her words. Not surprising with her feeling better and her stamina increasing by the day, Cosima had been eager to make-up for all the times she hadn't been able to properly make love to her girlfriend.

“Yes!” Delphine said resolutely, not trusting herself to look up with _that_ tone in her girlfriend's voice. No doubt Cosima was pouting too and she hadn't been able to resist that back when they first met and she didn't know Cosima was sick. She went about the room, gathering her things and avoiding looking anywhere close to Cosima's relative vicinity. “I have taken too much time off since your surgery so do not so much as think about telling me I am working too much.”

“Wasn't going to.” Cosima mumbled, knowing full well she had been beat this time. Delphine had been absolutely amazing since her surgery. She took time off from work, kept her promise to be her girlfriend first and waited on Cosima hand and foot giving her any and every thing she asked for. Which, granted, didn't require them to leave the bed half the time. They had a cure to keep working toward, so she couldn't keep Delphine home with her forever. She would be back to work herself soon enough. After the holidays. That much time wasn't exactly necessary, but Cosima was feeling so good and so positive with how well Duncan's serum was working that she wasn't ready yet to get back to working on the cure and be let down. Not yet. And, you know, _“YOLO.”_

Delphine couldn't help but chuckle at the sight, despite herself.  “I will be back later. Not too late,” she added quickly, seeing her girlfriend ready to offer another argument. “I'll bring dinner. Je t'aime.” Before Cosima could respond Delphine was down the stairs and out the door.

She paused a moment outside the door to lean back and take a deep breath. Cosima was her world. There were no words she could think of to describe the way she felt about her or what Cosima meant to her, how her heart had been firmly lodged in her throat since the second Cosima told her she was sick, or even the thoughts that came into her head whenever Cosima looked at her with _that_ look in her eyes, but the tiny brunette was driving her up the proverbial wall! Which then made her feel guilty because her girlfriend was living with an incurable illness that her previous doctors expected to kill her in less than a year.

But Cosima was getting better. There was no cure, yet, but they had a treatment and were already seeing great improvements. It was far from a permanent fix, but it would stop the disease from progressing further. It was as if someone just set the pendulum to Cosima’s life, going back and forth - surgery, masses shrink, Cosima feels better, masses grow back, Cosima feels worse, surgery, shrinking, better, back and then hopefully they would have made some serious progress on the cure and that would be it.

They were talking in terms of baby steps, but this was a step in the right direction.

This was one of those days she would sell her soul for a cigarette. There hadn't been many since she quit, thankfully. Her mind had been too occupied with everything else going on, but today was definitely one of those days. Just as she was rummaging through her bag for her keys, which she hoped beyond hope were in there somewhere and she didn't have to go back into the house, her cell phone rang.

“Mon Dieu Sarah!”

The brunette snickered on the other end of the line. _“Doesn't sound like our geek monkey has gotten any better.”_

“I didn't think it was possible at first, but she has gotten worse.” Thankfully finding her keys, Delphine unlocked the car and started the engine. “I don't even have to work today, but I had to get out of there.” Technically today was the first day of Delphine's vacation. Months ago she scheduled both herself and Cosima off the week of Christmas until after the New Year, but at the time they hadn't anticipated Cosima having this surgery. With the time she had taken off for that, needing to put some hours in working on the cure was as good of an excuse as any to get out of the house.

Sarah laughed. _“That bad?”_

“I took five days off to stay with her after her surgery, then went back part-time for a few days. Even with being back fulltime for almost a week, I am at my limit with her! Her mother doesn't arrive until tomorrow and I am afraid one of us will not make it that long.”

Sarah laughed again. _“I'll call Bobby in and have her open the club for me today and come over.”_ Bobby and her girlfriend moved up the day of Cosima's surgery and Sarah did, in fact, _hook_ her up as Cosima promised. She already put the blonde to good use so she could take some time off to be there for Cosima after her surgery. Due to an unfortunate incident with a couple of customers and some empty bottles being smashed over their heads, Sarah found herself with an open head bartender position and Bobby was proving herself well suited for the role.

“Merci, Sarah.” Delphine could cry. “Truly, thank-you.”

* * *

“Don't make a habit of this. You're going to drive you girlfriend right into the bloody ground and then what will happen to you?”

“Don't believe a thing she says.” Cosima smirked. “She loves it!”

“She loves you.” Sarah clarified, handing Cosima a glass of wine and sitting beside her with a glass of bourbon. “She tolerates the rest of it.”

Cosima eyed her glass. “Isn't it a bit early for-”

“Your girlfriend is a saint.” Sarah interrupted. “ _I_ am not. So we both need to drink.”

With a shrug Cosima settled back into the couch beside her sister. “You ready for Christmas?”

Sarah snorted, taking a drink. “Yeah sure,” she shrugged. Kira was getting to that age where she was starting to question the legitimacy of Santa Claus. It didn't help that Gemma and Oscar knew the truth as they were two and four years older than Kira, respectively, but they were still pretending for their cousin's sake. Unfortunately Kira was too perceptive for that. “Kind of takes the fun out of it when your kid stops believing you know?”

Sarah wasn't always the best mother, but she was always there for Christmas. Seeing Kira's face light up as she saw her gifts waiting under the tree, or even being woken up at the crack of dawn by an over-excited little girl was literally the highlight of her year.

“Well, Sarah, the magic of Christmas isn't just Santa.” Cosima reasoned. “It's everyone coming together. It's singing carols, badly, it's houses all lit up with lights, it's decorating the Christmas tree, it's baking cookies and eating half the batter. And old Christmas movies and horse drawn sleigh rides and gingerbread houses...” Looking across the room at the clock on the wall, Cosima turned to her sister with a smile on her face. “Come on, let's go.”  
  
“Oi!” Sarah protested as her glass was taken out of her hand. “Go where?”  
  
“We're going to get a tree.”

“Cosima we've already got a tree.” Sarah sighed, watching Cosima disappear with their drinks into the kitchen. “Kira decorated it weeks ago.”

“Yeah, well, I don't.” Granted things had been a little hectic the past month or so, but a tree completely escaped her mind. There wasn’t even a single Christmas decoration around. Which was surprising given that Alison had been over often the past couple of weeks bringing homemade soups and casseroles and pies because that's what Alison does when someone is sick. It was surprising she hadn't commented on the lack of Christmas cheer around. Maybe she was giving them the benefit of the doubt.

The second they got to the store, Cosima grabbed the first cart she saw and dragged her sister, complaining all the way, up and down each and every aisle, absolutely filling the cart to the brim. She got electric candle lights for all the windows, an ornament wreath for the front door, a figurine set with all the characters from Rudolph, nutcrackers, Poinsettia plants-real ones that require watering, individual red letter blocks spelling out 'BELIEVE' to go on the fireplace mantle along with a garland made of evergreen, ribbon and styrofoam candies covered in glitter, gingerbread and cinnamon and Christmas tree scented candles as well as some that didn't smell at all but that were decorated to look like candy canes, LOTS of candy canes, ceramic snowmen of varying sizes, mistletoe, Christmas/winter bedding for their room, the guest room and another spare set and a collection of blankets for the living room, hand towels for the kitchen and bathrooms, small tabletop Christmas trees made of lights and ribbon for the bathrooms and an end table or two...or fourteen, old Christmas stories she remembered loving as a child, Christmas movies on DVD, stockings to hang on the mantle for her and Delphine – Delphine's was red with the plush head of a golden cocker spaniel on the top and hers black and ultra nerdy with different chemical compounds stitched out on it, probably about five strings of tree lights too many and ornaments of every shape, size and color imaginable including one of the Eiffel Tower, the Golden Gate Bridge, one for each of her sisters, a microscope, test tubes, another cocker spaniel...

“Christmas tissues?” Sarah asked with a tired sigh, pushing the heavy cart around a large reindeer. They had three carts going at this point and it was looking a lot like there would soon be the need for a fourth. She grabbed the box of tissues and put it back on the shelf as Cosima pushed on ahead, taking her cell phone out and snapping a couple pictures. 'How's your trunk space?' She typed out with a smirk.

A few moments later her cell phone pinged. _'All you had to do was watch her…’_  
_  
_ Sarah chuckled, watching as her sister threw another armful of Christmas cheer into her cart. 'I am watching her. She's having a great time.'

She could imagine Delphine sat at her desk with her head in her hands.  _'I am supposed to be getting work done.'_

Sarah rolled her eyes. 'You're not even supposed to bloody be there.' Giving Delphing the address to the store, she pocketed her phone and t-boned Cosima's cart. “Time to go.”

* * *

“What about this one?”

“Non, non, this one is perfect!”

Cosima peered around the mass of branches and green needles, her smile growing even wider. With what seemed like a skip in her step, she came up, grabbed Delphine's face in her hands and kissed the breath out of her. “It's perfect.”

Given that Christmas was in two days, their options were limited to the Charlie Brownest of the Charlie Brown trees or the most exquisite, aka the most expensive. Despite her reluctance to ask her mother for access to any of her accounts she never touched, Cosima had, and was currently reaping the benefits of that tall glass of pride she swallowed. She just wanted this to be the best Christmas for everyone. Her disease was receding, her symptoms were nearly gone at this point, her test results and scans looked great, so while she was healthy and had the energy, she wanted to make this a Christmas to remember.

This was a happy time of year and she was doing better! Better than she had been in years. Her family had done so much for her. This was just a small thing she could do for them. She could give her family the best Christmas they ever had and she could make this first Christmas with Delphine one to remember. Just in case this was her last, she wanted it to be remembered.

But this, silently bringing her camera from her pocket and snapping a picture of Delphine holding the beautiful Balsam Fir tree that smelled like a tiny slice of heaven, this was happy. Even if they found the cure and administered it right now, there was no guarantee they would get in the car and make it home. Tomorrow wasn't guaranteed to anyone. Disease or not, each and every day was a gift and Cosima intended to treat it as such.

“Sarah, can you take a picture of us with the tree?”

Sarah raised a brow. “Do I look like the paparazzi?”

“Please?” Cosima pouted. Delphine smirked. Seems she wasn't the only one broken down by that pout. Cosima handed the camera over and ran over to Delphine, all bright smiles and grasping hands and puckered lips. It might have been the fact that she closed her eyes to give Cosima her requested kiss, but Delphine would swear on her life she saw Sarah Manning smile behind the camera.

* * *

This time it was Delphine's turn to play paparazzi. Okay, to be fair she wasn't the only one doing it, but she was doing the most of it. How often were Cosima and all of her sisters in the same place doing the same thing? And Felix, but when you said sister, that meant him too. There was only one person missing, but luckily a big memory card with plenty of space for more pictures once they arrived.

_*knock knock*_

Delphine was the only one to hear the knocks, which was fine as it was her surprise anyway. She pulled the door wide and brought the last sestra in for a hug. “It's good to see you Beth.”

Beth smiled, genuinely, and hugged the doctor back. “Merry Christmas Delphine.”

“Joyeux Noël!”

Looking around the completely trashed living room taking in the laughing and ornament hanging and Christmas music playing, Beth drank in the moment. “TheyThat didn't know I was coming?”

“No.” Delphine agreed. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Going to the stereo system, Beth cut the music, but even with that it took a while for its silence to be heard over all the noise. Ever the watchdog, it was Sarah who noticed first. “Oi! What happened to the...Beth?!”

“Happy Christmas dipshits!”

Alison was the first to her sister, followed by Helena then Sarah and Felix, and Cosima went to Delphine after giving her sister a hug. “How are you here?”

“I got a few days out for Christmas. Just during the day. Still have to be back by nine and Delphine agreed to sponsor me. Keep me on the straight and narrow for the next three days.”

“You did this for her?” Alison turned to Delphine with tears in her eyes. “For us?”

Delphine nodded, letting Cosima turn her head and draw her lips into a kiss. “Thank-you,” she whispered, laying her head on Delphine's chest. While Delphine did this for them, the reward was for her too. This family had been through so much lately. Nearly losing two sisters, both to disease, but they were both getting better. There wasn't a cure for either disease, but they were working on it. Each and every one of them in the room as well as some people not in the room, and she was sure both Beth and Cosima would win. These diseases didn't define them, they weren't who they were. They were just bumps in the road.

This was her reward. Beth, her friend, home for the holiday with her sisters and Cosima, snug in her arms. Cosima fit differently in her arms now. No longer was she just skin and bone and tremors, but flesh and curves and life! She was warm and strong and that smell of sick, which had permeated every pore of her skin was gone, replaced by the once familiar smell of pot and jasmine, with a thick undertone of Christmas now. When they made love, Delphine didn't see skin pulled taught over ribs and hips, didn't see olive skin slowly taking on a scary ashy huehugh, didn't see a body that was eating it's own muscle just to function. She saw Cosima. Cosima with soft curves, skin glowing in its health covered in red blotches because _she_ put them there. She would always love Cosima in whatever form she was in, but Cosima healthy and happy in her arms was absolutely everything.

...The stockings had been hung by the chimney with care and the tree was fast decorated with all the sestras there...

Together the six women got the house absolutely awash with Christmas cheer by the time Alison and Sarah went to get the kids. Somehow they found a spot for every decoration Cosima bought today. Every snowman and Ssanta and snowflake found a place and it didn't look as insane as everyone thought it would. It looked very Alison-esque, actually, if Donnie didn't reign her in just a little. Looked like something out of a magazine, but it was nice. It was cheerful. After the past couple of months, there was no such thing as too much cheer.

Jaws dropped when the kids walked in and Cosima quickly popped on a Christmas movie – Frosty the Snowman, because, _“Classic, dude”_ and dragged them into the kitchen with her, Alison and Sarah to bake cookies. From scratch. After a bit of smoke nearly setting the fire alarm off, Delphine joined in as well with a secret family Christmas cookie recipe and a watchful eye. A few batches of cookies, and not a single wisp of smoke, later and everyone was decorating their gingerbread people while the last batch of Delphine's secret recipe cookies were in the oven.

“Felix!” Alison chastised upon seeing how Felix was decorating his cookie. “There are children present, for Heaven's sake.”

Felix bit the offending part from his cookie, suggestively licking the frosting from his lips as the kids continued on blissfully unaware.

When the sun had set and outside was dark, they took the seats out of the back of Alison’s minivan, all piled in and drove around looking at the Christmas lights. It took some convincing, from _all_ of them to get Alison over herself. “Alison, Jesus, it's not like we're going on the highway pushing the speed limit and driving 'cross country.” Sarah argued. “It's side streets to see some bloody lights.”

“We can go as slow as you want.” Cosima added calmly, trying to apply to the control-freak part of her sister.

“Please Mom!”

Kids will do it every time!

There was laughter and fun and mess and noise and family and it was everything every one of them needed. They all left around eight, wanting to get the kids home and off their sugar highs before bed and Beth back to rehab on time. Then it was a good hour before the living room was once again clean.

Sometime later, way later, once even the youngest and most sugar-infused of their group had to have fallen asleep snug in her bed, Cosima and Delphine lay curled up together naked under a ridiculously plush new blanket in front of a roaring fire with mugs of, spiked, hot cocoa.

“Looks like we will have a white Christmas.” Delphine noted with a smile and a kiss.

Cosima sighed into the kiss, not even bothering to look out the window and see for herself. There was no greater view than the woman in her arms, hair tussled and skin flushed. It was always snowing in Canada anyway. The low, melodic notes of _'Have yourself a merry little Christmas'_ played over the stereo. They both saw it coming, honestly, given the mood with low candle lit lighting, soft music and romantic fire. Didn't matter that they just emerged from their bed, sweat-slick skin quickly cooling as they clambered down the stairs in search of hydration. Or that they only, or so they claimed, lit the fire and grabbed the blanket to stay warm while they drank their hot chocolate. They both knew they would end up wrapped up in one another again.

Delphine noted each time they made love that Cosima was able to go longer than the time before and didn't need as long of a recovery period after, or _between._ She was able to infuse it with more. There had always been love, tenderness, devotion and passion in their love making, but each time they came together now Cosima was able to bring . . . more. More love, more passion, more fire, more teasing.

Coughing no longer brought up blood. The coughing in it's entirety had lessened, damaged lungs healing and being able to handle more. Cosima's soft, supple curves were slowly coming back. It hadn't been that long yet, but her appetite seemed to be making up for lost time and Delphine was glad when her fingers didn't dip around a bone like they spent far too long doing. When Cosima's hands shook now and her eyelids were heavy and half-lidded, it wasn't because of any disease. It was because she was excited, the life literally vibrating within her whole body.  
  
Delphine had never felt so close to another person, to Cosima, before. Maybe something about nearly meeting death in all her heartbreaking glory will do that to you. Seeing her face and leaving with a _“Not this time, bitch!”_ The orgasms were amazing with Cosima, always had been, but there's something about having her here now, wrapped around her fingers, tasting the salt on her skin or the evidence of her arousal on her tongue, feeling no longer just skin and bone and raspy breath, that made it almost feel as though they were one. Delphine would go without orgasms the rest of her life to feel this closeness, but with Cosima she knew she would never have to. Hell, she would quit her job and move to a hut on a beach somewhere and sell handmade jewellery or bras made out of coconuts just to feel this for a single minute.


	39. Agreements

A by-product of her new health was the fact that Cosima now consistently woke before Delphine. Not because she had been up half the night coughing, but because she had _so_ much energy. As far as she was concerned, she had gotten enough sleep when she was sick that now there was just so much she could do. It was Christmas! There were things to do, places to be and Cosima was all over it. As gently as she could, she slipped out of bed, leaving a gently snoring Delphine to roll over and grab the pillow Cosima left in her place. It was still warm and smelled like her so should fool Delphine for a little while. Long enough...

Throwing on a pair of socks on her way out the bedroom so even her light footsteps wouldn't be heard on the hardwood floor downstairs, Cosima bound down the stairs – yes, she was back to bounding, and went right into the office. The absolutely trashed office.

“Alrighty, time for the tetris of champions.”

The room had seemed like such a big empty space before Delphine moved in, but now there was a desk, couch, shelves, cabinets and papers everywhere and a big potted thing by the window, a snake plant Delphine had explained. “ _I have an aunt who swears by it. She has migraines. It's supposed to help with headaches. And breathing problems.”_ Delphine herself was highly prone to migraines and headaches, especially with the amount of stress she had been dealing with the past few months.

_“You believe in that?”_  
  
_Delphine shrugged. “Doesn't hurt to try.”_

It hadn't, in fact, helped, but it was pretty. Cosima had to make enough space to pull out the bed from the couch. It was a nice couch. Comfortable, supportive. Great to have sex on, but right now it wasn't fitting like she needed it to. Ten minutes went by and Cosima was a sweaty mess having moved everything to the sides of the room and stuffed all the papers and journals that had been strewn about into cabinets and onto shelves. Thankfully there was a good sized closet in there, with more shoes than any one person really should have. Seriously, a third of the walk-in closet in their bedroom was full of shoes; flats, pumps, kitten heels, stilettos, knee-high boots, over the knee boots, bend-me-over-the-table-and-fuck-me boots... There was absolutely no reason for this closet to be full too. Delphine would be pissed, but Cosima shoved them all in an empty cabinet and pushed as much into the closet as she could. Delphine would forgive her as soon as she realized what all this was for.

The bed was set and the powerless snake plant watered just as Cosima heard Delphine calling for her. She closed the door to the office and ran into the kitchen just as blonde curls came into view. “Hey!”

Delphine smiled brightly, running a hand through said curls. “I am not sure if I will ever get used to you being up before I am.”

Cosima chuckled, pouring some of the new peppermint coffee she got into the coffee maker. “Making up for lost time. I could just as easily dip tomorrow so I just want to as much as I can while I can.”

A smirk danced across Delphine's lips as she snaked her arms around her girlfriend from behind, pulling her flush against the front of her body. “Well then, may I offer a suggestion?” She breathily asked, nibbling an earlobe.

“No.” Cosima moaned, giving Delphine a quick peck on the lips and using every last drop of her resolve to twist herself out of her girlfriend's arms. “We have to leave to get to the airport in an hour so we do not have time for any shenanigans.”

“Shenanigans?” Delphine chuckled, slightly disappointed she wouldn't be starting the day as she hoped she would. They had things to do, she understood. Didn't stop her from craving her girlfriend's hands over every inch of her skin.

“Yeah.” Cosima wiggled her eyebrows. Closing the refrigerator door and tossing, _very_ gently of course, a couple of eggs into a bowl on the counter, Cosima reached down to the bottom of the oversized sleepshirt Delphine had on and raised it to her hips, softly caressing the sensitive flesh just above her pantyline. “But, I will file this away for the _earliest_ available moment.” Riding up to the balls of her feet she drew Delphine into a slow, one of us is still sleepy but we're totally obsessed with one another, kind of kiss. “Absolute earliest.” With a smile they leaned their foreheads together. “Promise.”

* * *

“Mom!”

Carolyn turned and before she could put her arms out her daughter nearly knocked them both down as she ran and threw her arms around her mother. “Well hello to you too sweetheart. Feeling better, I see.”

“Oh yeah. Totes.”

“Delphine, you get in here too.”

Cosima's heart bloomed as the two most important women in her life embraced around her and any other day she would draw this hug out as long as she could and commit every feeling to memory, but that day was not today. Today they were like Alison and had a tight schedule to keep. Of which, naturally, they were already late.

Delphine was already asking what was going on before they left the house. “Trust me, okay?” Delphine raised an eyebrow, but grabbed a bag and followed Cosima's bright smile and cheeky winks back to the car.

“She is hiding something.” Delphine said, opening the front passenger door for Carolyn.

Carolyn smiled and tapped the side of her nose. “I learned long ago to just go with it where Cosima is concerned.”

Delphine chuckled. “Go with it?” Carolyn smiled and pat the side of Delphine's cheek before sliding into the car. Delphine shrugged. “Go with it.”

In hindsight, these flights should have been booked long before Christmas Eve. Cosima didn't lose her temper often. Like her sisters there was a fire burning within her at all times and, occasionally, it had to be let out. That outlet this time was a poor guy in a beat to hell pick-up.

“Cosima!” Delphine's eyes went wide.

“Oh, dear, you get used to it.” Carolyn chuckled, seemingly not bothered by the colorful expletives pouring from her daughter's mouth.

“Fucking finally!” Pulling over to an open space barely big enough for Delphine's car, Cosima looked around anxiously.

“International arrivals?” Delphine asked to the back of Cosima's head.

Cosima waved Delphine off and kept scanning the hordes of people waiting to be picked up. After a minute a smile came to her face and she lept out of the car. A second later she opened the back door and held her hand to, quite literally, pull Delphine out of the car and kiss her deeply. “Merry Christmas, Delphine.”

Delphine raised a confused brow, following her girlfriend's line of sight. “Cosima...”

Cosima smiled. “Surprised?”

Without a word Delphine nodded, kissed Cosima with all the gratitude in the world, and ran. “Papa!”

“Joyeux Noël!” Thomas greeted with a bright smile on his face as he wrapped his arms around his daughter and lifted her clear off the ground.

Cosima hung back, a bright smile of her own on her face. “Joyeux Noël!” She whispered.

* * *

“I wish I knew you were coming.” Delphine insisted, setting a tray with four steaming mugs down on the coffee table. “I've already sent your gifts to France.”

“Oh, Delphine do not worry. Christmas is not about the gifts.” Thomas began as he was handed a mug. “The look on your face was worth more than any gift.”

Cosima smiled smugly, accepting two of the mugs with a wink and handing one to her mother. This was a plan long in the making. Before she had her surgery she arranged for Thomas to fly over for Christmas. Christmas was always something that had been a big deal growing up. There were few memories Cosima had of her father, but the ones she did have mostly revolved around the three of them around a big, quite pathetically decorated tree. Her parents assured her the tree was beautiful. Her tiny self tried her hardest. After his death, her mother was always home for Christmas. Occasionally, if she was doing better at the time, she would stay for the week of winter vacation. Even when Cosima was in college they still did Christmas big.

Christmas had been big for Delphine growing up too, but in a completely different way. Whereas Cosima would decorate the house in homemade decorations, watch Christmas movies, bake cookies, visit Santa and his reindeer and wake-up Christmas morning to a ridiculous amount of presents under the tree, Delphine went to church, was part of the Christmas play and sang Christmas hymns. There were never very many decorations at her house and she wasn't allowed to watch movies or visit Santa. In fact, she was never told about Santa.

It wasn't that there was anything wrong with focusing on the religious aspect of Christmas. That was, after all, why it existed, and if that is how someone chose to celebrate that was great! As long as it wasn't hurting anyone, more power to them. Only this did hurt Delphine and, Cosima suspected, Thomas too. They had both been under Amélie's thumb for over twenty years. Whenever Delphine spoke about Christmas it was always with a deep sadness that broke Cosima's heart. This Christmas she was determined to play Santa herself for Delphine. This Christmas would be the one to remember.

Carolyn pat Cosima's knee and met her daughter's eyes with a smile. “You did good.”

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“Speaking of,” Carolyn looked over, but father and daughter were deep in conversation. “When do you want it?”

Cosima cast a quick look at Delphine. Met her eye briefly and was offered a small smile before Delphine turned back to her conversation. “Tonight. Definitely tonight.”

After a few hours of catching up and everyone getting to know everyone, Thomas and Delphine made an amazingly delicious lunch of smoked salmon. While a little heavy for lunch, it was something the Cormiers always had for lunch on Christmas Eve so they would be good to go for the hours they spent at Church. Cosima stuck to the vegetables, assuring Delphine she was fine with that as her appetite was still catching up and as her stomach had shrunk so much she wasn't able to eat too much at once. Tomorrow she would really be pushing the limits of her stomach so today she was taking it easy.

Tomorrow Delphine was going to help Alison cook Christmas dinner. Everyone offered to help, but Delphine and Siobhan's were the only invitations Alison had accepted. Everyone else had strict orders to stay away from the kitchen, “ _Especially Cosima.”_ It was going to be a hodgepodge of a Christmas dinner if there ever was one. It was important that it reflected all of them so there would be French, Canadian, American, Ukrainian, English and Irish foods. A hodgepodge dinner for their hodgepodge little family.

It was also going to be a _dry_ Christmas. With Beth only out of rehab for a few days and not allowed any kind of drugs or alcohol they all agreed it would be better to keep temptations away. Despite them assuring Beth they would be more than happy to have a dry New Year as well, she was cashing in all of her “ _Get out of jail free cards”_ over Christmas so she wasn't allowed any more time out of rehab. There was also the issue that she didn't trust herself to stay sober over New Year either. Best not to tempt fate too much. She had to be back by nine so they could always drink afterward if they were really in the mood, but for once there was nothing in any of their lives that would make them feel the need to drink.

After lunch it was around the time Thomas was used to having a little nap. They always attended midnight mass on Christmas Eve and to make that he had to nap first and old habits were hard to break. France was six hours ahead.

“Does Delphine have a favorite nail salon around? Or know of any good ones?” Carolyn asked her daughter as they loaded the dishwasher in the kitchen while Delphine was in the office speaking with her father.

“Does Delphine know? What about me?”

“Oh please. That sort of thing has never been your cup of tea, but Delphine's nails are always nice.”

Cosima chuckled, closing the dishwasher and setting it to run. The nail aspect of being with another woman had been an adjustment for Delphine. Before Cosima she liked to have them long, but _ouch_ so that had changed pretty quick. She did still enjoy a good mani/pedi, just kept her nails much shorter nowadays.

“Delphine, sweetheart, are there any good nail places around?” Carolyn asked as soon as Delphine came out of the office.

“Of course.” Delphine smiled, looking down at her hands. “Would you like company? Mine could use a touch-up and perhaps a more...Christmassy color.”

“That would be wonderful.”

Carolyn went upstairs to get her bag and Delphine immediately drew her girlfriend into an embrace. “I cannot believe you did this.”

“Pretty good, huh?” Cosima smiled, her cheekiness coming through in full force.

Delphine nodded, softly brushing her lips against Cosima's. They had to keep things calm for the next few days with parents around. Their lovemaking was known to get quite loud and those were memories they would rather their parents not leave here with.

They pulled away and Cosima dropped the cheek. “Delphine, you have been so amazing through all of this. Me being sick and being an ass and...everything.” Cosima looked deep into her girlfriend's eyes and shook her head. At times when she was downright horrible to her, Delphine was still there. There was a lot she had to make up for, but that wasn't why she did it. She did it because Delphine deserved to have nice things done for her. She deserved to have her family there for Christmas, to make new, happy memories with her father. Her mother may not ever come around and accept them, but Delphine still had family. “You've done so much for me. I just wanted to do something for you.”

Delphine looked into Cosima's eyes for a few long moments. There truly were no walls between them any longer. She didn't know what a soul looked like, or what it felt like, but looking into Cosima's eyes she saw so much love, understanding and happiness, and felt light, warm and loved. She could tell Cosima how her just being there was doing more for her than she could ever say or how Cosima fighting every second of everyday for her life was all Delphine would ever want. “You continue to amaze me.”

Cosima smiled and at hearing her mother on the stairs, wrapped her arms around Delphine's neck and kissed her. As hard as it was, they agreed the night before to keep things toned down, _“Just until our parents go back.”_

_“Parents?”_

_Cosima closed her mouth. She really needed to work on that whole thinking before opening her mouth thing. “Sorry,” she began. “My mom,' she corrected. “We just went, like, three rounds. I'm tired.”_

Agreements were never their strong suit anyway.

“Are you sure you do not want to come?”

“Pfff” Cosima shook her head and waved her hands. “And ruin this amazing paint job?” When she was still in the hospital recovering Kira and Gemma painted her nails. A different color for each nail as recommended by some beauty blogger they'd recently become obsessed with on YouTube, Krystal something. Apparently when someone needed to be cheered up, a different color on each nail was the perfect way. Each color meant something different.

_“Yellow is for sunshine, because who doesn't love sunshine?” Kira explained, picking up the yellow bottle._

_Cosima shrugged. Made sense._

_“Pink and red are for love.” Gemma continued, pointing to the pink and red bottles._

_“Blue is comfort.”_

_“Green....” Gemma looked over at Kira. “What's green?”_

_“Uhhh...” Kira shrugged. “Grass?”_

_“Grass?” Gemma giggled. “Who cares about grass?”_

_Kira smiled. “Bunnies. Everyone loves bunnies.”_

The glitter and sticker designs were just because they felt like it. “You two have fun,” she insisted.

After they left, Cosima waited five minutes to be sure they hadn't forgotten anything and had to come back before lightly knocking on the office door.

“Come in.”

Cosima popped her head into the room. “Do you have a minute?”

Thomas took his glasses off and set down his book. “For you? I have two,” he patted the other side of the bed. “Come come.”

Cosima sat down on the side of the bed, internally cringing at how cluttered and cramped the space seemed. Thomas followed Cosima's gaze around the room and chuckled. “I have slept in worse. Thank you, Cosima. This is an amazing gift you made happen for Delphine and I.”

Cosima smiled, her cheeks growing redder by the second. In her lap, her fingers fiddled with her rings and bracelets.

“You came to ask for my daughter's hand.”

Cosima's head snapped up. Then she chuckled. “Am I that transparent?”

“No.” Thomas smiled. “I have just never seen Delphine this happy. Your mother says you haven't been this happy before either. . . And I may have seen her with a small ring-sized box and I … euh … J'ai fait le rapprochement."  **(connected the dots/made the connection)**

“Delphine gets her brain from you, I see.” Cosima chuckled. “I um...I had this whole speech.”

Thomas shook his head. “Save your breath. I-”

“No, no, at least let me ask the right way.” Thomas nodded and waved his hand out for Cosima to go ahead. Cosima took a deep breath. “Mr. Cormier, Delphine is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is funny and smart and kind and selfless and passionate and unbelievably beautiful. With her the impossible is possible. I don't know how much she told you about me, but before I met her I was refusing treatment. Then she came along and ...” Cosima trailed off, looking down as tears she hadn't been aware she was crying fell onto her hands. Delphine was as far from traditional as one could get, but this wasn't for Delphine that she was asking. Cosima was asking Thomas for herself. She needed to know they had at least one of Delphine's parents in their corner and that, if anything were to happen to her, Thomas would be there for Delphine.

“She gave me a reason to live. I am sure she has given me more than I will ever be able to give her in return, but she has my heart. So, Mr. Cormier, J'aimerais beaucoup épouser votre fille; si je pouvais avoir votre bénédiction?” **(I would very much like to marry your daughter; if I could have your blessing?)**

Thomas took a moment, looking at Cosima for a moment then away. Cosima could swear his eyes started to fill with tears, but didn't comment on it. Delphine told her that her father was not an emotional man, so when he did show emotion it would be rude to say anything. “On one condition.”

“Anything.”

Thomas nodded. “Only if you call me Thomas. Or...or Papa, if you prefer.”

* * *

Cosima laughed, watching Kira fall and subsequently take Gemma and Oscar down with her.

“ _We said no gifts.” Alison protested._

“ _It's not a gift.” Cosima insisted, gathering Gemma and Oscar under each arm as back-up. As tough as Alison pretended to be, her children brought her to her knees with a simple quiver of their chins. “It's an experience. For all of us.”_

Cosima booked the rink, the one Delphine took her to for their first official date, out for the night just for them. This was her first Christmas here with all of her family and Delphine, so she wanted to go all out. Everyone's no gifts agreement be damned. After all, she was never very good with agreements.

Alison was skating with Donnie, trying her hardest to skate like a graceful skater, but her husband, though he tried, looked worse than a baboon in skates. Sarah and Helena were skating together, clutching the other as tightly as they could as Siobhan skated just in front of them holding her hand out then skating away before they could reach her. Like a parent teaching her children how to walk. Felix, ever the charmer, was skating with her mother's arm looped through his and Delphine, Beth and Thomas were...racing? Yes, it did look like they were racing around everyone else.

After maybe a dozen or so falls, Cosima was taking a break off the rink. She was leaning forward onto the wall just watching. Even in the cold Toronto late December weather, breathing was so easy. She closed her eyes. _In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In-_

She knew immediately whose lips those were. Not that anyone else here tonight would kiss her like this. “Mmm,” she purred, leaning in for another kiss. “Having fun?” Delphine nodded, taking in a couple deep breaths. “He's pretty good.” Cosima said with a smirk, watching Thomas continue racing with Beth around the rink, slowing when they came to Carolyn and Felix.

“I swear he has more energy than I do.” Delphie laughed, turning her attention back to the woman in front of her.

“Yeah, well, you've been through a lot lately too.”

They kiss again, softly, and Delphine took Cosima's hands in her own. “What are the odds of you and I sneaking away for a bit?”

Cosima's eyes narrowed. “Depends on why...”

Delphine winked. “Come find out.”

* * *

Cosima could not keep her hands steady. Of all the things going on in her life, this made her the most nervous. No, nervous wasn't the right word for it. She wasn't nervous at all. There was no question in her mind that Delphine would say yes, but this was still a huge, monumental step. It meant that no matter how bad things got with her disease, that she couldn't give up. It meant fighting. Until her very last breath if she had to. It meant no more getting mad at Dr. Cormier when all she wanted was Delphine, because she was taking this woman and every part of her.

It meant forever and in sickness and in health and 'till death do us part. Even a few weeks ago Cosima didn't think she would be able to promise Delphine any of that, but the disease was almost completely gone from her body. It wasn't a permanent fix, but it was making her better until they found a permanent way to do that. She couldn't imagine going back to being as sick as she was. The masses weren't that fast growing, so even though, yes, they would grow back, it wouldn't go back to being as bad as it was-she wouldn't go back to being as bad as she was.

Knowing things would never go back to that made this decision for her. She was doing so well. Better than anyone anticipated, so she was allowing herself to believe she would make it out of this. She would never leave Delphine a widow, but for the first time in a long time, Cosima didn't think each step she took was a step closer to death.

Delphine's face was lit up with pure joy. Hair blowing in the breeze, cheeks pink from the cold and smiling. She looked at Cosima and pointed ahead, over the horse's head at something she wanted Cosima to see.

“A horse drawn sleigh ride in the snow. That's...” Cosima shook her head, lacing her fingers with Delphine's under the thick blanket over their laps. “That's...”

“You are not the only one who can pull off a surprise, ma chérie.”

Fingering the velvet box in her pocket Cosima smirked. “Hold that thought-”

“Oh no. Not something else Cosima. Je ne sais pas si je peux le supporter.” **(I don't know if I can handle it).**

With a deep breath Cosima pulled the little purple velvet box from her pocket. “Not even this?”

Delphine's eyes went wide and her breath caught in her throat. “Co-si-ma...”

“I know I'm still, like, super sick and we don't have a cure and anything can happen, so if you say 'yes' I don't want to talk about planning the wedding until the masses are totally gone and I am one-hundred percent healthy and cured, but . . . I do want this commitment.” Finally braving looking up at her girlfriend, Cosima saw Delphine's eyes spilling over with tears as she chewed down on her bottom lip. Reaching up Cosima cupped Delphine's cheek and wiped the salty tracks with her thumb.

“I don't really think this ring will change anything,” she began, opening the box and taking the ring out. Delphine gasped, making Cosima's smile grow. It wasn't anything particularly impressive.  She had her mother get it cleaned and arranged for the stones to be changed so it was worth a lot more now than it had ever been, but it was still the same setting her grandfather scraped and scrounged to buy her grandmother before his business took off. It meant a lot to Cosima. Delphine wasn't the kind of girl who would care about how much a ring cost. The history, character and love it symbolized couldn't be bought.

Still, it was beautiful. A simple white gold band with a Retro-era feel featured a sparkling European cut diamond with delicate milgrain and single cut diamond accents on each side. It was absolutely perfect.

She looked back up at Delphine, smiling softly. “It won't make us closer. Maybe I just like the sound of _fiancée_ more than _girlfriend_. Girlfriend doesn't come close to describing what you mean to me,” she looked up as a snowflake landed on her nose and smiled. It was almost as if the universe was approving of what she was doing and urging her on. “You...are...the part of me I never knew I was missing. All I want to do is be with you until I can no longer... _be_ anymore. You literally saved my life. Like I told your father, I don't think I can ever come close to giving you what you've given-”

“You spoke to my father about this?”

“Yeah.” Cosima blushed. “I sort of asked for his blessing.”

All Delphine could do was shake her head. This woman was so full of surprises. Christmas was never anything Delphine really looked forward to. It was nice to have a break from school work and skating for a couple of days, but other than that there was nothing she looked forward to like other kids usually did. This was, without a doubt, the best Christmas of her life. Bringing both hands to the sides of Cosima's face she brought their lips together. With tears streaming down both of their faces it was a messy kiss if there ever was one, but when they pulled away she leaned her head against Cosima's. “Yes.”

“I haven't asked you yet.” Cosima joked, but slipped the ring on Delphine's finger, placing a gentle kiss just over it.

“Well,” Delphine smiled, bringing Cosima in for a couple more kisses. “We know you are always late.”

Cosima chuckled softly, linking her hand with the one of Delphine's sporting their new promise and snuggling deeply against her side under the blanket. “Even to my own proposal, it would seem.”

“As long as you are not late to the wedding.”

Cosima smiled. “And so it begins.”


	40. Best Christmas Ever

Cosima stirred with a furrowed brow, instinctively nuzzling closer to Delphine.

The blonde chuckled and placed a soft kiss on her love's forehead as the other continued stroking a sleep-flushed cheek. “Mon amour...” she called again softly.

Cosima smiled, bringing her hand up to cover Delphine's own, her eyes opening when she felt the new addition. She brought their joined hands down and admired the ring on Delphine's hand. It looked as if it was made for her. A perfect fit. She placed a delicate kiss over the band before meeting her girlfriend's-no, her fiancée’s eyes. “Morning.”

“Morning.”

“We have to get up don't we?”

“Soon,” Delphine nodded, leaning down for a proper kiss. “Merry Christmas Cosima.”

“Merry Christmas.”

They agreed to be at Alison's at ten to help start getting everything ready – Delphine, in the kitchen and Cosima, what ever was written on one of Alison's famous 'Get Ready' lists. They got back late last night and as such hadn't yet told anyone of their engagement. They wanted to do it in person after Christmas dinner. Delphine had a long chain she would put the ring on around her neck while she was cooking so it would still be close to her, but wouldn't get messy or be seen until they were ready to tell everyone. Cosima looked at the clock on her nightstand and smiled. There was time. Their whole keeping things PG while their parents were here went out the window the second that ring went on Delphine’s finger. “You know the proper way to ring in Christmas morning?”

Delphine smiled, in one quick movement swinging her leg over Cosima and straddling her hips. “I can guess.”

“You know, you never did let me finish my proposal.” Cosima said breathily as Delphine's hands made their way under her top.

Leaning down and attaching her lips to a weak spot on the side of Cosima's neck Delphine smirked. “And I am not going to now.”

* * *

By the time they came downstairs showered, dressed and ready to head over, Thomas and Carolyn had made breakfast. They got along well it seemed. Not in the creepy, Delphine and Cosima may end up step-sisters sort of way, but in a healthy relationship between in-laws sort of way. Thomas and Carolyn both met Cosima's eyes with questioning glances, but Cosima only offered them a wink as she and Delphine warmed their food and ate quickly.

Forty-five minutes later they were walking through the door to the Hendrix's. “Hello?” Cosima called out. “Merry Christmas!”

“Holy freaking Christmas cake Cosima you had to be late today?”

“Dude, chill it's 10:15. That's practically on-time for me.”

“The children are down stairs with Helena,” Alison began, taking everyone's coats and hanging them in the hall closet. “Donnie and Felix are out in the garage thinking that I don't know where they are and that that gets them out of helping, Sarah and Beth are in the lounge and Siobhan is in the kitchen. Now if you'll excuse us,” she said, grabbing Delphine's hand. “We have work to do.”

Cosima threw her fiancée a mouthed “good luck” and guided her mother and Thomas into the lounge.

“Hey, Merry Christmas.” Beth said first, standing up and hugging Cosima and then her mother, and Thomas when he motioned her in as well. These people would all be his daughter's family soon, legally at least, and thus his family. He could already tell by how everyone interacted and joked around that Delphine was absolutely already one of them.

Sarah hugged Cosima and pulled her to the side. “You still doing alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm great.”

“You sure?”

Cosima looked deep into her sister's eyes. Sarah was nervous. She played it off well, but Cosima could see it buried deep behind her walls. “I'm good Sar, really,” she assured.

Sarah nodded slowly, giving her sister a quick once over to make sure. “Okay,” she took a deep breath. “Then you don't get to pull any of that _'I'm sick'_ business when we start in on Alison's list then, yeah?”

“Actually Sarah, now that you mention it-”

“Too late geek monkey,” Beth laughed. “Not getting out of this one today.”

Since they agreed no gifts, everyone was genuinely happy to help and pitch-in with whatever needed to be done. It was mostly cleaning, “Oi, don't the Hendrix's have a bloody cleaning lady? Why do we have to scrub toilets?”

And rehanging some decorations that had fallen down or been knocked down by the children and some special pieces Alison only put out on Christmas day like a very old ceramic nativity scene that was too fragile to be left out with two kids and a husband around. After a while, and feeling a bit winded, Cosima snuck downstairs with the kids and Helena and made paper snowflakes. When Beth caught her she just shrugged. “Hanging decorations is on the list,” she explained. “As soon as we make them we will hang them.”

When they finished those she brought the kids upstairs to make gingerbread houses. Sarah gave her a knowing glare. “What?” Cosima shrugged again, not bothering to hide her smirk. “It's still decorating.”

Thankfully Cosima brought a lot of gingerbread house kits because everyone, including Alison, stopped what they were doing to make them.

The kids each had their own then everyone else paired off in a sort of silent competition. As the artist of the group, everyone fought to have Felix as their partner with Siobhan winning out. “Oh, don't be jealous chickens. I'm sure you'll all do just fine.” Helena grabbed Sarah before Sarah could blink, Delphine subtly stepped beside Cosima and they gave each other a knowing glance, Delphine patting the ring hanging on the necklace under her shirt. Much to Alison's annoyance Donnie naturally wanted to partner with her and there was a whispered argument about how he had “zero artistic ability,” and Beth and Carolyn rounded out the last pair. They were actually good friends as Beth was Cosima's first contact into her sisters all those years ago. Thomas volunteered to keep an eye on the food while everyone decorated, and to “Play the paparazzi” when Cosima handed over her camera.

When they were finished, frosting and all sorts of candies all over the place that had Alison practicing some of Cosima's breathing exercises to prevent herself from blowing her head off, Thomas grabbed a handful of candy canes and awarded everyone candy cane trophies, giving Kira, Oscar and Gemma the large ones with a whispered, “Because yours are the best, but don't tell the adults. We don't want to hurt their feelings.” With giggles the kids ran back downstairs.

Around 3:30 dinner was done and everyone was helping to put things into bowls and on plates. At four everyone was sitting down at the table. “I know not all of us celebrate the religious aspect of Christmas,” Alison began. “But I'd just like to say a few words. This has been a tough year...for all of us, but we’re all here,” As she spoke she looked around the table and made eye-contact with everyone. “And we are all doing well and for that I am thankful. We are a family...oh goodness I'm tearing up so I'll stop here and just say that I love you all.”

Glasses of water, milk, apple cider and various virgin mulled beverages clinked around the table. They would never in a million years be able to eat all of this food and Alison would undoubtedly send them all home with a pile of plastic containers full of leftovers. Everyone's home countries were well represented. For appetizers, while things were cooling off they had butter tarts and oysters and a cheese platter with cow, sheep and goat cheeses. The main meal consisted of a roast turkey with chestnuts and a honey glazed ham, with roasted potatoes, mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts, homemade cranberry sauce, stuffing, carrots, crispy parsnips and soft, flaky biscuits.

“Yep, yep, it's happening.” Donnie nodded, reaching down to his belt buckle.

“Donnie don't you dare!” Alison chastised, but everyone else was cheering him on and with a look to his wife, he unbuckled his belt and pants.

Alison looked mortified, but Donnie just shrugged. He was used to his wife's various looks. “If you don't want me to unbuckle my pants, don't cook so much food.”

“A sound argument.” Cosima chuckled, feeling a little too full herself and glad she decided to wear a dress.

Soon anyone with pants on had then unbuckled or unzipped and Alison scoffed away to start clearing the table and lay out dessert which her husband helped with, mumbling half-hearted apologies. Not that anyone had any room after that, but for dessert there was a Bûche de Noël or yule log, pumpkin and apple pies, shortbread cookies and, of course as with any important family meal, babka cake.

When they'd gathered around the tree later with the kids throwing paper, ribbons and bows everywhere, desserts on small plates resting on end tables mostly untouched, and cocoa and virgin eggnog being sipped slowly, Cosima looked at the ring just under Delphine's shirt and nodded. Delphine excused herself to the bathroom and came back with the ring on her finger.

Surprisingly it was Gemma who noticed first, seeing the ring on Delphine's finger when she turned to thank them for her gifts. “Are you guys engaged?!!”

The room went silent, everyone turning to Cosima and Delphine. Delphine blushed and hid her face in Cosima's shoulder before nodding. The room erupted in congratulations and cheers and well wishes and hugs. Of course then everyone wanted to see the ring.

“It is beautiful,” Helena said, holding Delphine's hand in her own to get a good look at the ring. She looked up and met Delphine's eyes and smiled. “Sestra.”

“Can we be in the wedding?” Kira asked excitedly with Gemma nodding enthusiastically beside her.

“Of course.” Delphine assured her future nieces.

Alison pulled a thick binder from a shelf in the corner and held it up for all to see. “This is the holy grail of, well everything.” In the binder were names and numbers of everything from dry cleaners to jewellers, from farms for that time Gemma could only drink goat milk to politicians who owed her favors. All fully vetted and given the Alison Hendrix stamp of approval. “I have numbers of great party planners, florists, bakeries, caterers, party spaces, rental halls, bridal shops. I might have an officiant or two and a great pastor if you want to go that route. When are you thinking of having the wedding?”

“We aren't.” Cosima explained, taking Delphine's hand. “Not yet. Not until we find a cure.”

An uneasy silence followed as everyone but the kids looked away. Alison handed Delphine the binder with a sad smile. Cosima's heart fell and that little voice she heard those first few days after the surgery was making its presence known once again, planting new seeds of doubt. “Uh, anyway,” she began, plastering a smile on her face and running into the hall to grab a folder from her bag. “I know we said no gifts-”

“Oh, darling, what did you do?” Felix asked with what Cosima assumed was supposed to be a disapproving glare, but the corners of his mouth upturned were threatening to betray him.

With a wink Cosima turned to her nieces and nephew. “Who knows where Honduras is?”

The children were not the only ones searching their brains, but after a minute Oscar spoke up. “Is it in Central America?”

“It is.” Cosima smiled. “There's this city called Roatán that's part of Honduras's Caribbean Bay Islands. It's gotten more popular since we started going there when I was little, but it's more laidback island life rather than spring break tourist destination. No big name resorts, no highrise developments, strictly old school Caribbean. They mostly speak English and the beaches are absolutely amazing. It's tropical and quiet and-”

“You didn't...Did you?” Beth asked.

“My mother has a house-”

“Cosima has a house.” Carolyn corrected. “Technically it's a villa.”

“There's a house,” Cosima corrected with pursed lips. Carolyn knew Cosima didn't want the house, but it had been the only way she agreed to this. If Cosima wanted to take her sisters and family on a tropical vacation, she had to agree to take the house in the will. “On a private cove. Not far from restaurants and the marina, but totally peaceful and quiet. Only accessible to the residents. I'm sure they aren't there anymore, but when I was little there was a pod of dolphins who lived just outside the cove and would come in sometimes.”

“And?” Helena prodded.

Cosima smirked. “And I'm taking all of you on vacation.” Jaws dropped and the young girls squealed in delight, Oscar giving a few well placed fist pumps. “I haven't booked it yet. I want all of us to be able to go,” she looked at Beth and smiled. “All I have to do is book the flight when we're ready. The kids can take a week off of school-”

“Like hell they can!” Alison exclaimed, instantly hushing the excited cheering.

“Or we can go during a school break?” She offered, looking at Alison. “You are both more than welcome to come as well,” she said to her mother and Thomas. “There's plenty of room and I want the whole family to be there.”

“I wouldn't miss it.” Thomas smiled.

Alison took a breath, her hand coming up to her face. “Well I'm not bikini ready.”

Everyone laughed, to Alison's great confusion. “Wear a one-piece.” Sarah offered, more than a little excited by the prospect of a tropical vacation.

“I thought you might say something like that.” Cosima said, pulling light purple envelopes out of the folder in her hands and handing them to her sisters, Siobhan and Felix. “Donnie already agreed to watch the kids, so pick a weekend.”

“Cosima, this is too much.” Siobhan insisted. “An all-inclusive spa weekend?”

“You paid for me to go to Barcelona so you don't get to protest.”

“Cos-” Sarah began, but Cosima quickly cut her off.

“Don't make me play the dying sestra card, because I will.”

Knowing they had been beat, everyone opened their brochures and looked at the different things the spa offered. Different massages and wraps, facials, peels, waxing, reiki, reflexology, manicures, pedicures, haircuts and colors. She handed Donnie the folder and let him look at the different things Roatán offered. From restaurants to shopping to fishing and boating, horseback riding on the beach, dolphin experiences.

Reclaiming her seat, she handed an envelope to Delphine. “Of course I got a couples package for us,” she said with a wink.

Delphine set the envelope down and grabbed Cosima's face in hers, giving her a kiss that was perhaps a little inappropriate for their current company, but she didn't care. They were happy and in love and no one was paying them any attention. “You know all I want is for you to be well, Cosima.”

Cosima leaned into her fiancée's touch and stole another slow kiss, gently nipping Delphine's lower lip then soothing it over with her tongue. “I know, but you, and everyone, have been so great I just want to show how much I appreciate all everyone has done for me.”

“No one needs that.”

“I know.” Cosima smiled. “Which is why I did it,” she left out the bit about wanting to make this the perfect Christmas in case it was also her last Christmas and how she was trying to replace all of Delphine's sad memories with happy ones.

“I have something for you as well.”

“We agreed no gifts-”

“You and your sisters agreed, which you then went against. I did no such thing.” Delphine waved her off, handing Cosima a thin box.

Cosima untied the ribbon and opened the box. There was a picture of the Time Square New Year's ball. “Times Square?” Delphine nodded, eying the box with a raised brow and Cosima looked under the picture. Plane tickets and a hotel reservation. “Holy shit! We're going to New York City for New Years?”

_“What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?” Delphine asked, her hand gently stroking Cosima’s arm._

_Cosima smiled in Delphine’s arms, catching her hand and entwining their fingers over her bare abdomen. “See the ball drop in Time Square.”_

_“Really?”_

_“I know it's hella crowded and I'm sure it would be insane to even think about going there, but … I dunno. It's always looked like fun. How often are that many people in one space and just...happy and all sharing that experience together?”_

“How the hell did you manage that?”

“I told you ma chérie, you are not the only one who can pull off a surprise.”

“Apparently,” Cosima smiled. “When do we go?”

“The twenty-eighth. We come back the second,” she booked the flight for after Carolyn's flight back home, but now that her father was here she would have to check on his return flight too. The original plan was to fly out the day after Christmas and spend the full week, but that was before Carolyn, and Thomas. Though she would not change either of them being here for the world. Now more than ever she was learning just how important family was. “I have theater tickets and restaurant reservations and-”

Cosima cut Delphine off with another kiss, but now someone was paying attention and Kira's little giggles interrupted them. “You know all I want...for now, for Christmas, for forever, is you.”

Delphine smiled brightly. “I know,” she has some other things for Cosima back at the house. A new bottle of Cosima's favorite perfume, some new necklaces and bracelets that screamed Cosima's name when they walked by them on display in a window in Paris, some books Cosima had mentioned wanting to read and, as payback for the one Cosima got her in San Francisco, a 'Someone in Paris (hearts) me' hoodie. “I also have something else for you at home.” Delphine whispered seductively. “In the bedroom.” Cosima swallowed thickly. “Merry Christmas, Cosima.”

“Merry Christmas, Delphine.”

Best. Christmas. Ever.

“Picture time!” Alison sing-songed happily to the moans and groans of everyone else. After setting the camera on a self-timer to take a picture every two seconds for twenty seconds, and Alison still not feeling like they got a good one and asking for another twenty seconds-of which she was promptly denied, Carolyn took the camera and gave some direction. She propped the kids by the bottom of the tree for some good candids and then did couple shots in front of the fireplace – Alison and Donnie alone and then with the kids, Sarah with Kira then them with Siobhan then them and Felix and Siobhan, Cosima and Delphine and then Cosima and Carolyn, and Delphine and Thomas, and the four of them, and Helena and Beth by themselves because they were, “Strong independent women and are too cool to have anyone else in our pictures.”

“But Beth I do not feel cool. The fire is making me feel very warm.”

After suffering a good half an hour through the little photoshoot, it was sadly time for Beth to leave. She was able to come back tomorrow though, so she left with a smile on her face.

After that, Cosima had an idea. Everyone donned on jackets and hats, snow pants, boots and as many layers as they could find. With the exception of Donnie, Carolyn and Thomas who said they would stay inside where it was warm and work on cleaning up the living room and finish in the kitchen. Alison tried to stay in as well, but her sisters were not having a word of that. As soon as Sarah threatened to bring the snow inside if she had to, Alison became much more agreeable. Once everyone was layered up, it was time for an old school snowball fight.

The teams branched off with couples and those of the adults who were raised together being separated, as a way to “Spice up the competition.” Felix's idea. Cosima, Sarah, Helena, Gemma and Oscar were on one team and Delphine, Felix, Alison, Siobhan and Kira on the other. Despite having ten minutes to build a fort or, in the case of Delphine's team a pathetic looking little wall, and having Siobhan on their team, they were completely obliterated. Cosima, Sarah and Helena on one team wasn't really fair, but it was Felix's rule that split them like that so their whining was for naught.

They stayed out for a good hour before everyone was soaked through and numb, but they traipsed inside with smiles on their faces, still laughing as they peeled off soaked clothes and parked themselves in front of the fire. A round of hot cocoa later, the kids were put to bed. “If you're awake when Santa gets here he skips right over and doesn't leave your presents.” Donnie explained when they complained and asked for five more minutes for the fifth time.

“Mummy, does Santa know I'm here?” Kira asked Sarah as they went up the stairs. She was staying in Gemma's room for the night as none of the adults were ready to leave yet.

Sarah tried to hide her smile, relieved that, at least this year, her daughter still genuinely believed. “Of course he knows.”

“And he'll bring my presents here, right?”

“Promise Monkey.”

Alison was meant to have, yet another chat with Gemma and Oscar about not telling Kira the truth about Santa, but everyone was so exhausted that the second their heads hit their pillows, they were all fast asleep.

Not wanting to wake the kids, everyone moved downstairs and cracked open a couple bottles of wine. Carolyn found the keyboard and many rounds of tipsy Christmas carols ensued. Helena sang Ukrainian carols, Delphine and Thomas in French and Siobhan even gave in and sang one in Gaelic.

Cosima looked around and smiled.

Hands down the best Christmas ever!


	41. Joy

Another unintended side effect of her new health was that Cosima sort of thought she was invincible. In that, I can stay outside all day in freezing New York City snow covered streets, sort of way. “Come on Delphine don't be a party pooper. There's so much to see and do. Come on!”

NYC was gorgeous this time of year, Delphine would absolutely give Cosima that, but also very very cold. Despite her amazing powers of distraction, she could only keep Cosima in the hotel room for so long before she got sore. Granted the best kind of sore possible, but sitting was kind of a necessity. “Party pooper?” Cosima nodded with a smile, her tongue sticking out from behind her teeth. “I do not recall you calling me that last night. Or this morning. Or-”

“I get the picture.” Cosima chuckled. “And don't think I don't know what's got your engine suddenly so revved up.”

“What?” Delphine shrugged, feigning ignorance. “You keep saying you are feeling better, is it too much for you?” Cosima wasn't the only one who could be cheeky.

“Of course not.”

“Then perhaps you should stop complaining and-”

Cosima grabbed Delphine by the arm and spun her around, simultaneously pushing her up against the storefront they were passing and kissing her with a passion and an aggression that would definitely require a change of underwear for Delphine ASAP. People bumped into them trying to pass by on the crowded sidewalk, but still Cosima kept going. Her hands found their way under Delphine's jacket, her fingers twitching to delve below and see the kind of mess she knew she was creating, but being in public and all she kept them on Delphine's hips, gripping her tightly as she softly thrust against the blonde's thigh.

Finally Delphine couldn't take it any longer and she pulled away, panting. “Cosima...” She moaned.

Cosima wiped her mouth with a shit-eating grin and pulled Delphine back to continue on their way as if nothing happened. “Just in case you're wondering, I am definitely _not_ complaining.” Delphine could only nod in response as she focused on slowing her heart rate back down to normal. “And I know you were just doing it so we wouldn't leave the hotel room.”

“That was only a small part of the reason. A very small part.”

Cosima chuckled. “A-huh.” They continued with the flow of people up the street, stopping every so often to peer into a store window. “So our parents seem pretty excited, huh?”

_“Girls, girls, come here! Oh, congratulations.” Carolyn exclaimed as she enveloped both girls in a hug. “Let me see that ring on you. Oh, wow. Nana would be so proud.”_

_Thomas let the women gush about the ring for a few minutes, all three with tears in their eyes, before he offered his own congratulations. “Delphine, I know without your mother it will not be the same, but I am so proud of you.” He turned to Cosima. “You have chosen a wonderful partner and I have no doubt you will make each other very happy. Bienvenue dans la famille, Cosima.”_ _They pretended not to notice the tears in the man's eyes as he hugged his daughter and in Delphine's when he hugged Cosima._

“Yes.” Delphine smiled. It was bittersweet. She was unbelievably thankful for her father's love and support, but it stung that this wasn't something she could share with her mother. She tried to call her on Christmas, but her calls hadn't been answered. She settled for a text in which she wished her mother a Joyeux Noël, told her about their engagement and sent a picture of the ring. That had yet to be responded to either, but she could say she tried. Delphine chose to focus on the joy. Her mother's abandonment over what Delphine considered to be the best part of her life would always sting, but she had Cosima and she would always give Delphine a reason to smile.

Cosima turned to Delphine with a concerned look on her face, but before she could say anything they came to a jewellery store and Delphine opened the door and pushed Cosima in. She saw the look on Cosima's face, but she was focusing on the joy. There was so much against them, so much negative in their life together and in their own lives that the only way to survive it was to focus on the joy. The love of her life had just asked her to spend the rest of her life with her. What was there to be unhappy about?

“I had this plan,” Delphine began as she moved to the counter and set her bags down on the floor. “Delphine Cormier,” she said to the woman at the register, handing over her ID. “I have a-”

“Oh, yes, it was just cleaned! Let me go get it.” The woman, whose nametag read 'Alice' said, handing Delphine back her ID.

“Merci.” Delphine watched the woman disappear into the back and turned back to Cosima.

“Something about a plan...” Cosima started, hoping Delphine would continue, but the blonde simply smiled at her until the woman came back. Then she turned back to her and took something from the woman and stuffed it into her coat pocket, speaking in hushed tones for a minute. Then held her hand out to her fiancée and walked back out of the store. “Uh, care to share?”

Delphine smirked. “Not yet.”

Cosima rolled her eyes, but let Delphine lead her away. Delphine was all about surprises this trip. She'd booked shows and restaurants, but didn't tell Cosima what they were. So far they'd seen Wicked, because it was Cosima's all time favorite musical, Anastasia, because it was Cosima's all time favorite animated movie, and the Rockettes, because when you go to NYC over the holiday you see the Rockettes. Cosima had wrestled out of her that there were tickets to see The Lion King too, but after locking herself naked in the bathroom until Cosima promised she wouldn't pull any more dirty tricks to get her to spill anymore of her plans, that was all Cosima was able to get. Yes, refusing to finish getting Delphine off when she was so close was mean, downright torturous really, but you have to fight fire with fire sometimes. And sometimes that fire gets really pissed when she frustratingly confesses that she swears no more sex until you are literally on your knees begging. It's about balance.

Delphine led them across the street to a park and they walked along in silence for a few minutes, stopping briefly to buy a bag of fresh roasted chestnuts from a vendor, until they came to a more secluded area. “So,” Delphine began when they were sitting down on a bench eating warm chestnuts, looking out. This little spot was up on a hill which was probably why there weren't many people around. It was a bit of an icy climb and probably not worth the trouble for most people when there were plenty of other areas of the park to go to, but everything looked very picturesque from up here. “I had a plan,” she continued. “But then _you_ , Ms. _'always kind of late’_ had to go and be early for once and, what is it they say? Jump the gun?”

“You know me.” Cosima said cheekily. “Love to keep people guessing.”

Delphine chuckled. “Yes, well, I still wanted to be the first to propose to you.”

Cosima bit her lip and looked away nervously, a habit she had adapted from her fiancée. Delphine probably meant she wanted to be the first out of the two of them to propose, but she said _“the first to propose to you.”_ Cosima never told her Shay proposed the night she showed up on her doorstep. Hadn't seen a reason to. The only thing on her mind was finding Delphine and making things right, assuring her she didn't see what she thought she did, that she honestly forgot Shay proposed. “About that...”

Delphine turned to Cosima with a raised brow.

“Remember that day you came back from the conference in Minnesota and Shay was there?”

Delphine took an uncomfortable breath. “Hard to forget.”

Cosima cupped Delphine's face and brought her gloved thumb across a flushed cheek a few times before dropping her hand and reaching for Delphine's. “She sort of...proposed.”

“Of course she did.” Delphine scoffed. This was supposed to be something magical, a life defining moment and it seemed people were out to ruin it. There had been this big, magical plan. Cosima always spoke about how she wanted to be in Times Square once in her life to see the ball drop and ring in the New Year and always spoke about how magical it would be. So Delphine made the plans and bought a ring and was going to be down on one knee the second this year turned into the next, metaphorically speaking of course. If she went down on one knee in that mess of people she probably wouldn't get back up, but that had been the plan.

Then Cosima proposed first and blew that plan out of the water, but Delphine rolled with it because they would still get to celebrate the New Year as planned. Cosima proposed to her first, but at least she would be the first person to propose to Cosima even if she wasn't the first of them to propose. Well now there went that too.

“I didn't tell you because I honestly forgot. It meant nothing to me. The minute I saw her standing at the door all I could think about was how I wished you were-”

Delphine leaned over and silenced Cosima with a kiss. “Mon amour I'm not angry you didn't tell me.”

“You're not?” Cosima relaxed.

“No.” Delphine shook her head. “A lot went on that day. I am just . . . disappointed. Not with you,” she assured with a smile and a squeeze of Cosima's hand still tightly holding her own. “I just really wanted to be the first person to propose to you.”

Not that it was her fault, but Cosima felt a pain radiate through her chest at her fiancee's words. Delphine wanted for so little. Little else than Cosima getting well, and she couldn't even give this to her. “Will you settle for being the first I say _'yes'_ to?”

Delphine's face instantly lit up, using one hand to bring Cosima back to her for a slow, passionate kiss while the other dug the box out of her pocket. When they pulled away she took the glove off Cosima's left hand and opened the box. Inside was the most gorgeous engagement ring Cosima had ever seen. Delphine felt a surge of pride as the brunette's eyes immediately filled with tears. She spent a long time looking for the perfect ring, telling herself that whenever she found it, and she was prepared to wait a long while to find the absolute perfect ring, it was a sign. A sign that it was time.

Set in white gold, a round diamond sat on top of an intricately hand-engraved band. It had a very vintage feel to it. “I think I will definitely _settle_ for that,” she said with a smile as she slipped the ring onto Cosima's finger. There was no need to ask. Cosima had taken care of that already and even now she just did it again! For someone who was never anything other than late she was beating Delphine to everything with this.

“Delphine...I...it...” Cosima looked down at the ring, completely lost for words. It was the most beautiful ring she had ever laid eyes on. The band was just exquisite. “...it's...um...”

Delphine smiled. Glad that, at least with Cosima one step ahead of her, she was able to render this non-stop woman speechless. “This ring doesn't have a history or great love story behind it, but I saw it and immediately knew it was meant for you. That jeweller is not very well known, but they create these amazing rings. It's a family business and with each design they only make one single ring then permanently retire the design, so each one is unique. It's very...Cosima-esque. Don't you think?”

Cosima's mind was at a halt. She wasn't sure if her mind was blank or if there were so many thoughts going on up there that she wasn't able to settle on anything. All these feelings of intense love, devotion, hope, happiness, home, commitment, passion, and so many things she couldn't name enveloped her. “I love it,” she said honesty. Perhaps not the complete list of how she felt, but Delphine would know exactly what she meant. Finally breaking the ring's spell, she looked up at her fiancée with a smile. “It may not have a history or a great love story behind it _yet,_ but it will someday.”

* * *

“Remind me again why you wanted to do this?” Delphine asked as they were pushed and shoved as the crowd grew impossibly larger and people tried to get as close to the action as they could.

Cosima chuckled and wrapped her arms tighter around her fiancée. “So we may be trapped like sardines here, but when have you ever complained about me being too close?” She teased.

“You can get as close as you want. It's everyone else who needs to back off.”

With her hands already around her fiancee's waist under her jacket and many layers, Cosima turned the doctor to face her and kissed her in a way that definitely wasn't appropriate for the amount of public they were in. Her hands may have also rode up quite aways and were caressing and teasing, but with Delphine's jacket open around them and how close they were no one would have been able to see. She pulled away and nuzzled Delphine's nose, drawing a smile out of her. “Better?”

Delphine nodded. “Much.”

Cosima settled back down to her heels, but kept her arms tightly around Delphine. “Hell of a way to ring in the new year.”

“It is an experience,” Delphine agreed. “Though I still say us naked and in front of a fire somewhere-anywhere, would have been better.”

Cosima chuckled. “No, I mean, well yes, that _will_ be happening after, but I'm getting better and we're freaking engaged! Other than finding a cure, what more could we ask for?”

Delphine smiled, looking down into her fiancée’s eyes. There was so much staring back at her. She could see an entire lifetime of love and happiness. “Absolutely nothing,” she answered honestly. It wouldn't be anything she would ever choose to do and she was barely tolerating it, but seeing the joy in Cosima's eyes made it all worth it. For this cheeky little love of her life she would withstand the freezing temperatures and people bumping into her from all sides and being packed in with barely room to breathe, and the five hours it would undoubtedly take them to get back to the hotel. What did it matter if they slept the entire next day?

Cosima looked up at the ball and then out around the crowd. Some people were singing, some were talking and laughing, most were drinking. How many places did this happen in life? Where people from every walk in life came together to welcome a New Year with optimism and hope. No matter what any one of them had gone through this year, they were all here. Making strangers into new friends, leaving troubles in this year and looking to the next like anything was possible. She meant what she said to Delphine. Other than finding a cure, there was nothing else she wanted. Maybe for Delphine's mother to come around, but she knew that was a long shot. Things were good now. Things were great. There was so much joy. For the first time in years the good in her life outweighed the bad and she just wanted to drown in it.

Duncan's serum wasn't a cure and the masses would come back. As soon as they got home they would get back to the lab and the cure was closer than ever. They had everything they needed. They have Duncan's serum they just need to find a way to turn it into a gene therapy. With some time off they would get back to it with fresh eyes and they would find the cure. Then they could start living the rest of their lives together.

“Are you okay?”

Cosima snuggled deeper into Delphine's arms, laying her head on her chest and listening to the strong, steady beat within. Something had changed the past few weeks, undoubtedly because she was feeling so much better than she had in a long time. Things seemed attainable now. For the first time in a long while Cosima believed she could beat this. Now she wanted to make plans and commitments and felt that she could actually do them! Her optimism, hope and unquenchable thirst for life had returned. Up until this disease Cosima never realized how precious those gifts were, but with them back the world was beautiful again. Cosima knew full well she would get sick again and have surgery again and that things would suck again, but the joy she was feeling at simply _being_ right now was so overwhelming.

She smiled up at Delphine. “Never better.”

Bodies pressed together, hands and lips itching for those first moments of the new year, less than an hour later they joined in the estimated one million people around them shouting the countdown at the top of their lungs. Even Delphine who thought this idea was more trouble and aggravation than it was worth, was smiling and yelling along with everyone else. “Five . . . Four . . . Three . . . Two . . . One . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Delphine had tolerated the cold, the crowd, the people, Cosima spouting different facts about the ball, _“Do you know it weighs nearly twelve thousand pounds? And has over thirty-two thousand LED lights that display sixteen million different colors and billions of patterns. I didn't even know it was possible for there to be sixteen million different colors.”_ And she would do it all again in a heartbeat to see that smile on Cosima's face, that light in her eyes and for her to kiss Delphine like this.

For someone so small Cosima kissed with such an intensity and such an immense amount of passion that Delphine still felt it days later. It made everything else fade away until the only thing that existed was them and that moment. Even in freezing weather, yelling and screaming coming from all directions, confetti and who knew what else falling down over them, people pushing from all angles, as Cosima rose up on the tips of her toes holding Delphine's face in her hands with Delphine wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck, all that existed was the two of them. Their love, their life, their joy, and the promise of everything a New Year brings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> "Bienvenue dans la famille, Cosima.” (Welcome to the family, Cosima).


	42. This is Important

****“Scott, have you seen the print out of my numbers from a month ago?” Cosima asked, lifting the papers, notebooks and files that littered her desk. She would have to do some serious work on that mess before Delphine came back, but she should have another day or two. The blonde had been pulled away for an emergency somewhere else in the department and had barely been in their lab the past couple of days. Other than the fact that Cosima missed her fiancée, her being gone didn't have any great impact on their work. She still had Scott and she caught Delphine up when they drove to and from work. Not when they were at home – _never_ when they were at home.

They were at a stand still, again. January had made some good headway, but since then they hadn't had any luck. Somedays it was two steps forward and one step back, others one step forward and three back. Delphine's research into spiny mice had been scrapped shortly after they came back from New York City. Her theory was sound, the technology just wasn't there yet. There was still the pediatric leukemia trial in the States and they were supposedly working to see if that could be used on Cosima’s disease, but it was too early to know anything yet.

Grabbing her tea before a stack of articles she had been using for research fell on them, Cosima took a drink, wincing as the lukewarm liquid slid down her throat.

“Uh...I have no idea. It's on your laptop, pull it up.”

Cosima nodded, absentmindedly rubbing the front of her neck. “When's my next round of tests?”

“They were supposed to be today, but Dr. Cormier wanted to be here for them so she cancelled. Said she would reschedule when whatever emergency she's working on is over. Beginning of next week hopefully.”

Cosima nodded again, coughing into her elbow and forcing another sip of tea down. Everyone knew she was coughing again. It was expected. Her first surgery was nearly two months ago. Delphine knew she was having headaches again too, but in a weird space this time. They felt like they were a bit under her eyes, but way in there. It was hard to explain. The throat pain was new, and worrying. It was why they'd moved her routine monthly tests up a few weeks to today, but then Delphine got pulled away.

“Reschedule them,” she said painfully. Never a good sign when just speaking hurt.

“Uh ok.” Scott mumbled nervously. Cosima was a colleague, and their subject. Delphine was his boss and told him not to reschedule until she knew she would be available. Scott knew that with these symptoms Delphine was anticipating bad results and wanted to be there for Cosima. “When?”

“Today. Right now.”

“Cosima...Dr. Cormier-”

“Let me worry about Delphine. Just schedule them. Please.” This would mean the end to her work for the day. Not that she was getting anywhere anyway, but it was only ten am. All the testing would take hours; detailed MRI, ultrasounds, PET scan, pulmonary function tests, an exercise stress test and enough blood work to render her weak enough to need to go home right after. They left that for last and usually timed it so that it coincided with her and Delphine's daily quitting time so Delphine could take her home right after, but Cosima had this uneasy feeling deep in her gut and just wanted to get these tests done ASAP. Scott would volunteer to drive her home after. He was a gentleman like that.

“Should I tell her?”

Cosima took a deep breath. Things between her and Delphine were great. Better than great, they were amazing. They had complete transparency. That's not to say they told each other _everything_. Everyone was entitled to their _little_ secrets, as long as they were little and not important, but this was big and immensely important. “No,” she finally answered. “No, I'll tell her.” Delphine wanted to be there for her, but Delphine couldn't be at the moment and something was telling her these tests had to be done right now.

* * *

“You're doing great, Cosima. Almost done.”

Cosima shifted her eyes around the MRI machine. Despite the noise she found herself constantly drifting off. Which was bad as she needed to stay still and she was a very active sleeper, twisting and bending in ways that would make most gymnasts jealous. That's one of the ways Delphine said she always knew when Cosima was awake. When she didn't want to get up yet, and not knowing how exactly she slept, Cosima would either go too still or move around too much.

She was just so tired. Up until today she had been feeling great. The past week or so her energy had been declining, but it was still more than she'd gotten used to before the surgery. Then the headaches and today her throat started hurting and, while it could be a cold or strep throat or something simple like that, Cosima's stomach was in knots.

“Cosima?”

Cosima's heart fell. “Hey Delphine.”

“Why didn't you wait? I wanted to be here.”

With a deep breath, Cosima swallowed thickly hiding her grimace as there was a camera in the machine that Delphine would see and pushed past the hurt in her fiancée's voice. “Something doesn't feel right. I took the first time Scott could get,” she took another breath. “I tried to talk to you.” Unlike a few months ago, she didn't have a problem with Delphine's dedication to her work. Dr. Cormier knew her limits now and hadn't once come home with them. Delphine was almost always finished her work on time, so Cosima had no issue. In fact, she loved and admired her fiancée's passion for her work. It was alluring. A very small handful of times she had to stay late, but when she did she always picked up Cosima's favorite take-out and wine on the way home and was still home at a reasonable time. As long as Dr. Cormier stayed in the lab and she wasn't so late they didn't see each other, Cosima was happy.

“I'm sorry I was in a meeting, but I've cleared the rest of my day.”

“You didn't have to do that. I know whatever you're dealing with is important.” As promised, Cosima’s security clearance only covered her own disease, so she wasn't allowed to hear anything about Delphine's other projects. Top secret and all that.

“ _This_ is important.”

Cosima smiled, looking into the camera and mouthing, 'thank you'. Just knowing Delphine was on the other side of the window, a few feet away, gave her the strength to keep it all together.

A few minutes later she was finished. “Good job today, Cosima.”

Cosima sat up and stretched, giving her favorite MRI technologist a quick thumbs up before her eyes locked on Delphine's and her chin quivered. It was like when something was bothering you, but you were trying to ignore it or be strong and someone asked you if you were okay and you just lost it. Delphine was her person. No one made her feel safer and as such Cosima's true emotions, the thoughts and feelings she kept from everyone else, sometimes even herself, flowed freely. She didn't need to tell Delphine she was scared. Delphine could feel it.

Delphine tilted her head toward the door. “Come on,” she spoke into the microphone. “I brought you an eskimo pie before your next test.”

“I knew there was a reason I kept you around. You know, aside from your amazing skills in-” Momentarily forgetting herself, Cosima remembered the tech was right there beside Delphine. “-uh, the lab.”

The technician chuckled. “Nice save.”

Cosima flipped the guy off, grabbing her lab coat off the hook on the wall and shrugging it on. All she had on was a hospital gown and she wouldn't get dressed again for a while. No point with all the tests she still had to do, but her lab coat at least made her feel like she wasn't just another subject walking the halls. That and her favorite pair of ankle boots that she sat back down to put on. With only one shoe on, she felt the need to cough and brought her arm up to cover her mouth. What was once white came away stained with crimson. She and Delphine locked eyes through the glass.

* * *

“This . . . this isn't possible.”

Scott shook his head, looking over to where Cosima was napping on the couch. They hadn't had a nap nest on the couch in two months, but as of two days ago Cosima could barely stay awake. “I had them go over everything twice. I'm really sorry.”

Delphine nodded, dismissing her colleague. “You can go home for the day, Scott. Thank-you.”

“But it's...” Delphine looked up with tears in her eyes and whatever else Scott was going to say never made it past his lips. “See you tomorrow, Dr. Cormier.”

Delphine sat at her desk looking over the results for the next half an hour, desperately trying to come up with some sort of solution or explanation. Comparing them to Cosima’s tests less than a month ago as well as the ones before her surgery, anyone could clearly see these latest results were much much worse. The tests she did not even a month ago were nearly clear. A few small masses, but nothing concerning. To see what she was seeing now had the tears falling down her face at an alarming rate. There were more masses in her lungs and larynx than there had been before her surgery, the ones on her diaphragm were more pronounced and they were now in her pharynx, soft palate and nasal cavity. It explained the pain under Cosima’s eyes and why it was difficult for her to swallow and speak.

They hadn't anticipated this. Duncan's treatment was supposed to make things better. The masses would grow back, but there wasn't enough time for them to grow back this fast. None of the tests gave them any idea this would happen. They never tested the serum on any living masses, only on cells and masses that had been removed before they were treated and it looked like that was their fatal flaw. They should have run more tests before going ahead with the treatment, but Delphine hadn't wanted to put Cosima through more than she had to. “Idiote.”

It took Delphine a few minutes to formulate a plan. Call Sarah, get Cosima home, think of a way to tell her.

“Mon amour,” Delphine cooed softly half an hour later, stroking the side of Cosima's cheek-Cosima's _pale_ cheek. “Time to go home.”

Cosima blinked up sleepily, smiling as Delphine came into focus. “You coming too?” She asked, her voice now having this gravelly and forced sound to it that made Delphine physically nauseous.

“Not yet,” she smiled, trying to convince not only herself, but Cosima that everything was fine. “Sarah is here to get you. I'll be home early though. Promise.”

Still groggy from sleep and sickness Cosima nodded and let Delphine help her gather her things and lead her out of the building to Sarah's waiting car out front. With a hug and a sleepy kiss, Delphine watched the sisters drive away and went down to the lab to cry.

She could always lie. Erase the new test results and change the dates on some of the old ones, shoot Cosima up with steroids, up her meds, and keep her feeling better until her next surgery. If Cosima knew how much worse she was after having the first surgery Delphine knew there was a strong possibility she would refuse her next. And if she refused the next surgery...that would be a death sentence. If she lied Cosima would go through with the next surgery if she made it another month.

 _No_. She couldn't lie to Cosima. Couldn't keep this from her. It wasn't right. Delphine picked up the files she had thrown off her desk when she returned and grabbed a dustpan from the closet for all the broken glass from various thrown materials. Leekie wouldn't be happy with this work order, but the broken equipment would have to be replaced. Could always say Cosima had a seizure and knocked some things around. She had no problem lying to him.

As she looked around the lab, at the strewn files and broken equipment, she realized she did feel a little bit better. Perhaps she should start joining Cosima in her daily yoga sessions she had started with the new year. She always seemed so much more relaxed after, better able to handle the shit of the day. Or maybe she needed to get back to her morning runs. They just hadn't felt the same without Beth, but she was set to be released any day now. In fact, the staff at the rehab center said they would have released her already, but that Beth wanted to stay longer. She didn't feel she was strong enough yet. Regardless if she got back to running with Beth or by herself, she needed some sort of outlet.

Once the lab was back to normal, minus a few pieces of unfortunately expensive equipment, she filled in the order for replacements, emailed it to Leekie and signed out of everything. She was off for the remainder of the day. She turned off all work related alerts on her phone, changed into a set of running clothes she had in the back of a closet and was out the door. She would go for a long run, calm down and hopefully make something of the jumbled mess of thoughts threatening to drown her. Then she would go to the store and get the things to make Cosima's favorite meal – veggie stir fry, and her favorite bottle of wine. With any luck Cosima would sleep until it was time for dinner and then Delphine would be ready to have this conversation.

* * *

Delphine would never be ready to have this conversation. Even after two glasses of wine she wasn't ready. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't how any of this was supposed to go. Cosima wasn't supposed to get worse. Delphine knew the surgery wasn't a permanent fix, but the masses were slow growing to start so they were supposed to grow back slowly after the surgery. She was never supposed to get this sick.

Delphine was all too aware that upstairs Cosima woke, padded her way to the bathroom and was now on her way downstairs. Delphine saw the oxygen tank before she fully saw Cosima and her heart broke.

“What's the occasion?” Cosima asked, her smile showing in her eyes as she saw Delphine setting her favorite meal on the table. She put her hand gently on the blonde's lower back as she passed by, giving her a concerned look when she wasn't offered a kiss or any sort of acknowledgement. When Delphine sat down across from her without meeting her eyes she knew. “My results came back.”

Delphine only looked up after pouring Cosima a glass of wine and refilling her own.

“That bad?” Cosima chuckled sadly, wincing at the pain such a simple chuckle caused.

Delphine sighed. “They're-”

“Don't tell me.”

“What?”

“I don't want to know the specifics.” Cosima shook her head, her hands barely moving except to adjust her cannula. That in and of itself told her all she needed to know. “Bad is all I need to know. I can feel the rest.”

“We will move your next surgery up and work harder to find a cure. We knew the treatment wouldn't last that long. I...Cosima?” Delphine asked, interrupting the monologue she spent hours preparing seeing she had lost her fiancee's attention.

Cosima looked up and smiled. She'd been here before. Many times. When she was in the hospital in San Francisco whenever a treatment didn't work. She'd been here before. Delphine hadn't, but she had. “Let's schedule that trip.”

Delphine blinked a few times, trying to shift gears and get her brain to take a pause in something that had been running her every thought since Cosima went in for these tests. “What trip?”

“Roatán.” Cosima said simply, looking straight ahead at Delphine, but looking at her like she wasn't really seeing her. Like there was something else she was focusing on.

 _Death,_ Delphine reasoned. Cosima was looking right at the end of her life, but Delphine couldn't let that pull her under. She had to keep her focused, eye on the prize. Push, push, push. “Cosima we need to do another surgery. As soon as possible. I've booked you in-”

“And we will,” Cosima interrupted, finally looking at Delphine and really seeing her. With glassy eyes she picked up her fork and twisted a noodle around its teeth, dipping it into some of the teriyaki sauce that had gathered on the bottom of her plate before bringing it to her mouth. “After the trip.”

“We will do the trip after the surgery. Your pulse oximetry levels were barely above-”

“Please,” Cosima sighed. “Shoot me up with some real good steroids and next week we can go and I'll have the surgery first thing when we get back. I'll do whatever you want me to do, just . . . please.” she begged. “Do this for me.”

Delphine shook her head as Cosima coughed, doing everything in her power to keep the tears at bay. A trip like that could very well kill her, most likely would, but what could she do? If Cosima really wanted to go she would go with or without Delphine and if she didn't want the surgery right now she wouldn't have it. She was lucky at all that Cosima would let her move the surgery date up and though Cosima would go to Roatán without her, Delphine knew it would break both of their hearts. At least if she went she could keep Cosima's symptoms in check. “That is not fair and you know it.”

“Why not?” Cosima half pouted, half smirked.

“Because I'd do anything for you.”

“I'll make a deal with ya,” Cosima began, washing her mouthful down with a generous sip of wine. “I really don't want to go without you, so I'll call everyone up and see if they can make themselves available next week.” Alison wouldn't be happy about pulling the kids out of school for a week when they had a break coming in a few weeks, but one mention of _test results_ and she would cave. Beth was in rehab, but as her treatment plan had been completed there was no reason she couldn't leave. “Actually, I'll ah...maybe this is the sort of thing I should ask them in person. Can I borrow the car?” Delphine nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Abandoning the rest of her dinner, Cosima rounded the table and pulled Delphine up and into her embrace. She had to focus on getting everyone on board with this trip because if she didn't have that to focus on, and all she thought about was this was _exactly_ the reason she didn't want any treatments or this surgery in the first place, she would lose it. She would lose it so spectacularly that there would be nothing standing when she was finished, so she held her fiancée as tight as she could, burying her face in blonde curls.

It was all her fault. She should have said no. Should have stuck to her no attachments, nobody gets hurt rule, should have stayed the hell out of Toronto, but it was too late to go back and change any of it. False hope sucked. It sucked hard and her soul was absolutely destroyed right now, but honestly even if she could go back, she wouldn't change a thing. There were tears in her eyes when she pulled away. Rising on her toes she kissed Delphine like she was the only thing keeping her tethered to this planet, the only thing keeping her alive.

Delphine didn't like any of this. It all came on so quickly, within a matter of days, that she didn't know if Cosima would make it through the weekend, nevermind next week. Just a few days ago Cosima was absolutely fine, the next everything hit her at once. It was too fast. Cosima might not make it back from this trip, but she had made Delphine her health care proxy in the event she was unable to make medical decisions for herself. Delphine wasn't above heavily sedating Cosima to use it. Not if it got her off a tropical island, back to DYAD and into a surgery she knew Cosima desperately needed.

As she kissed Cosima, Delphine wasn't sure if she was tasting her own tears or Cosima's. Probably both, she figured. There was no coming back from these test results. This was the end. She knew it and Cosima knew it, but she pushed that thought as far from her mind as she could. They had to try. As a doctor she knew what all of this meant. It was why she trashed the lab. If she ignored her years of study and practice, she could pretend there was a way they could keep fighting this.

It was what Cosima wanted. At the end of their lives, people should get what they wanted.

“When I kiss you, it feels like the whole world disappears and it's just the two of us.”

That was all Delphine needed. Feeling the trip upstairs would separate them for longer than she could physically bare, she led Cosima by hand to the couch, no inch of skin losing contact, lips or tongue, and slowly lowered her to the couch. When Cosima started shivering as their clothing found its way to the floor and across the room, the fire she lit just before Cosima came downstairs not yet warming the room, she grabbed the blanket off the couch and, with greater care than she had ever taken, gave Cosima every reason she could to live. Every kiss, every touch, every thrust, every caress, every stroke of her tongue gave Cosima something to hold onto. Delphine seared her silent prayers into her skin, trying desperately to give everything she had to Cosima. Her strength, her own health, her own life. Everything she had she would willingly give.

Eventually their love making was broken when Cosima broke down. Everything she had been trying not to feel matched her orgasm wave for wave.

“You're going to be okay.” Delphine repeated over and over – in English, French and Spanish, but in every language it sounded hollow and empty.

“Don't lie to me.” Cosima sobbed. “Please. . . I know you're trying to be reassuring – to the both of us, and I love you so much for that, but just … don't, please. We both know better than that. I will . . . ah, lie or whatever to my family, but,” she looked up into her favorite shade of hazel and wiped the tears away. They were better than this. They were better than fake statements they both knew were bullshit, and definitely better than fake hope. She was dying. Sooner, probably, rather than later and lying to themselves wouldn't change that.

Delphine nodded, knowing everything without Cosima saying a word. “Okay,” she agreed. “Okay.”

They eventually made it off the couch and warmed dinner, threw the open wine bottle in the fridge and opened the one that was in there. They ate and drank all the while keeping as many points of their bodies in contact as they could and it was normal, mostly. There was a heavy tension over them, but they sat there and made a plan they both knew was useless. An increase of just about every medication she was on with a few additions for the next week, a three day course of intravenous steroids. At home, starting tonight. And, “As much sex as we can possibly stand because life is fucking precious.”

Delphine smiled then, releasing a soft sound that could have been a laugh. “We will get through this.”

Cosima reached across the table, lacing her fingers with Delphine's and smiled. “Of course we will.” It was all lies, but sometimes the lies are what keep you going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:  
> “Idiote.” (Stupid/Idiot)


	43. Outcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have been so awesome! So It kind of pains me to post this chapter...

“You know it's Valentine's Day?” Beth teased, lifting up the cucumber over her eye to raise a teasing eyebrow in Cosima's direction. “Have anything _special_ planned for you and the good doctor?”

Cosima chuckled, looking across the room where Delphine, Alison, Helena and a reluctant Sarah were being rubbed down with mud. Or at least it looked a hell of a lot like mud. At that price it better not be mud, but it was supposed to be wonderful for the skin. Whatever it was Helena was loving it, Alison had unclenched a bit and to anyone else Delphine would look completely at peace. Cosima knew it was all an act, but she certainly did look less tense.

“Mrs. Sadler? It's time for your massage now.”

“And not a minute too soon,” S nodded, following the woman with a wink to Cosima. “Pretty sure that conversation isn't anything a mother should hear.”

“She's right,” Felix said with a shrug, setting himself down in the seat just vacated. “There's a lot poor Mumsy has heard over the years that there is no coming back from.”

Cosima adjusted the cannula over her nose with the hand that the polish had already dried on. “Yeah, because I can pull off _anything_ sexy with this.”

“Oh come on Cos you know Delphine finds you positively breathtaking, cannula and all.” Felix assured.

Cosima looked across the room and met her fiancée's eyes, her heart filling with so much. Love, most definitely, and an overwhelming feeling of home and being complete, but also guilt. It was her fault Delphine was in this position. She tried so hard to resist her in the beginning, she really did and she both wished and didn't wish that she had been stronger. Delphine was everything to her. It was impossible to regret what they had, and she didn't. It was the pain she knew Delphine was hiding that she regretted. That and the fact that she was going to die and leave Delphine broken. She wished she could be one of those people who made their partner promise they would move on after they died and find love again, but Cosima couldn't bare the thought. Of course she wanted Delphine to be happy, but she would rather not think about the how of that.

There was no part of Cosima that wanted this next surgery. Not if this is what she has to look forward to after. As expected, as soon as Cosima mentioned her test results Alison was already making plans to get Gemma and Oscar's schoolwork for the next week from their teachers so they wouldn't fall behind. Beth _“Peaced out”_ of rehab, Sarah made use of all the _“Bloody wankers I pay to drink all my good shit”_ and reworked the schedule with Bobby covering her shifts and the others picking up the slack, Felix had nothing going on so it was easy for him to clear his schedule, same with Helena, Siobhan made some calls, Donnie cashed in some vacation time and Delphine used the last bit of leeway she had with Leekie, but they were all off for the next week and Cosima's surgery was booked for next Sunday. They would be gone a full week, tomorrow to Saturday and luckily Delphine had made _some_ friends over the years and, narrowly avoiding having to call Leekie and beg, had a surgeon-a great surgeon, better than the last, nurses, a full surgical team and an operating room booked for 7am the day after they got back.

Ideal, no. Necessary, yes.

Sarah, being Sarah, and always causing some sort of scene wherever she went, jumped off the table and headed in the direction of the showers. Seeing that no one was going to follow and that her other hand was basically dry now, Cosima followed. “Sar? Everything okay?”

“Did you see how far up my thigh that guy was spreading this shit?” Cosima tried to offer her sister a small sympathetic smile, but her face showed that she wasn't buying it and Sarah's anger deflated. “We shouldn't be doing this,” she said so softly Cosima wasn't sure she actually said it until a single tear followed in its wake.

“Hey,” Cosima said softly, but Sarah wiped it away and shook her head.

“Don't _'hey'_ me Cosima. None of us buy it. Do you really think us so dumb that we're supposed to believe your little story?”

_“Next week?” Alison asked, a hand coming to her chin. “That is awfully soon Cosima. The children have school, and-”_

_“My latest test results-”_

_“Are you sick again?”_

_“I've always been sick,” Cosima joked, swallowing thickly when no one laughed. “I'm okay, but the growths are growing fast and after my next surgery I've been told I won't be able to take anymore vacation time except to recover, so I want to get it in now while I can.”_

_Alison pursed her lips and nodded, but Sarah's eyes narrowed in on Cosima._

“The others might be fine playing along, but...But you look like a bloody pin cushion. And like shit. You can barely take two steps without getting out of breath,” she said, motioning to the oxygen tank at Cosima's right side. “Don't _bullshit_ me Cosima! How bad is it?”

Cosima pulled her rolled up sleeves down and bit down on her lower lip, a little habit picked up from her fiancée. “I've just had a lot of tests Sarah, so-”

“I said don't bullshit me...You want to lie to everyone else, fine. They want to pretend they believe it because that's easier for them to deal with, that's their business. I want the truth.”

Cosima took in her sister, looking very much like a caged tiger just waiting to be let out so she could rip something to pieces. Lying never got her anywhere. They'd all made a promise to each other. No more trying to do things themselves, no more keeping things to themselves. _“We're a team.”_ Motioning for Sarah to take a seat on the bench she slowly lowered herself onto, she was hardly surprised when Sarah paced away. “Please Sar I don't have the energy.”

With a sigh Sarah sat. “The truth.”

“The truth is.” Cosima took a deep breath. “I probably won't make it back from this trip.”

“Bloody Hell Cosima! I'm telling everyone else. Have the surgery-”

“I won't survive it,” she said softly, looking down at the tiles on the floor.

Sarah's mouth shut and she blinked a few times, trying to understand. “Delphine said-”

“Delphine knows as much as I do that I'm not strong enough. That the disease came back too fast. She didn't put up much of a fight when I told her I want to take this trip before surgery because she knows that I won't survive it. She scheduled the surgery for when we get back, but...” She trailed off, wiping a tear from her cheek. There had been too many tears shed because of this disease. Facts were facts and the fact was that she had very little lung tissue left capable of taking in oxygen and her organs were essentially suffocating. Soon they would shut down and she would die. A surgery would be too much for her body in its weakened state. They'd passed the point of no return. No more tears. This next week or however many days she had left would be nothing but happiness and if she saw one tear in anyone's eye coming from anything other than immense joy, she would slap them herself.

Sarah shook her head, still not capable or wanting to understand what her sister was saying. “How are you not strong enough for the surgery? The surgery will fix-”

“I know it's confusing Sarah,” Cosima began, not wanting to make her sister feel like an idiot for not knowing, but also needing to explain it simply for her to understand. Sarah was one of the smartest people she knew. Not the same way she or Delphine were or even how Beth and Alison were, but Sarah was a survivor. “Even in someone reasonably healthy surgery takes a lot out of the body. In order for the treatments to work I have to get worse for a few days and I don't have it in me to fight that.”

Cosima had been preparing for this for a long time now. The surgery gave her hope, of course. It made her think things were possible, but it was all just the same. Same outcome, different road. She tried not to think about it too much, pushing the thoughts and fear as far from herself as she could and instead focusing on the here and now. On Delphine and her family and spending the rest of her time with the best parts of her life.

This was always going to be the outcome.  
  
Sarah choked back a sob, looking up, down and all around trying not to completely lose it. She needed a drink, or a dozen and to pass out until such a time as she woke up and everything was different, the way it was supposed to be. All of them happy and healthy and everything else just a bad dream. “You're...” she stopped, swallowing thickly to force the emotion down. “You're not allowed to leave. I can't-I can't do this without you.”

Cosima reached across the empty space between them and entwined her fingers with her sister's. “You'll be fine,” she had to believe that. Believe that Sarah would be fine and Beth and Alison would be fine, that Helena, Felix, Siobhan and the kids would be fine, that Delphine would be fine, her mother would be fine. She had to believe everyone would be fine without her because if she didn't there was no way she would be able to do anything other than panic and she was having a hard enough time keeping it together as it was.

“Yeah,” Sarah shook her head, wiping her face with the back of her hands.

“You better be,” Cosima smirked, using all the strength she had inside of her to pull some humor out of the situation. “Or I will haunt the ever loving _shit_ out of you.”

Sarah laughed. A real, non-placating laugh that showed in her eyes. “I'd like to see you try.”

“You don't think I could? You can't kick a ghost's ass Sarah, what would you do?”

Sarah looked to the ceiling for a minute, gladly letting her mind run with this. “I-”

“Hey”

“Hey baby,” A smile immediately came to Cosima's face as she and Sarah both turned to the door. “That is a good look for you.”

Delphine held her arms out, the dark mud/clay/whatever it was cracking. “Say what you want,” she chuckled. “It feels amazing. I’m going to shower and wash it off before our massage.”

“Need some help?”

A look of concern flashed quickly behind Delphine's eyes before she schooled her face and smiled, tossing her fiancée a wink as she continued along her path. “Always.”

Cosima watched her walk away then turned to her sister.

Sarah chuckled, helping Cosima up on her feet. “Go, do, have fun. Just keep the noise down, yeah? There are children here.”

“The _children_ have headphones,” Cosima countered, steadying herself on her feet then letting go of Sarah's arm. “ _You_ will just have to . . . uh . . . you will just . . .”

Sarah's hands shot out to steady Cosima as she swayed. “Cos? You alright?”

Cosima looked down at Sarah's hands on her arms. “Something's wrong.”

“What?”

“Something's wrong,” Cosima repeated, still looking at Sarah's hands.

Sarah looked back behind her as she heard a shower turn on. “Delphine! Cosima? Cosima what's wrong?”

Cosima looked up, her eyes widening in complete panic. “Something's wrong,” she couldn't explain it. There was something that shot through her body, turning her blood to ice. Suddenly everything hurt. Her vision went spotty and she couldn't breathe. Looking back down at her hands, they were shaking.

“ _DELPHINE_!”

Hazel eyes locked on hazel for a brief second before blood poured from Cosima's lips. People were yelling all around her. More than just Sarah and Delphine. People were touching her and laying her down, but she couldn't feel any of it. It was as if she was watching this all play out in front of her. As if she was way above just watching. Half of them were still just in their towels and covered in mud. Delphine was yelling in French, calling for an ambulance and telling Cosima that she would be okay. Helena and Siobhan were holding Sarah back. Alison grabbed Gemma and Kira and rushed them out of the room, pulling her phone from her pocket as they went. Felix ran into the room, asked Delphine what she needed and ran back out, and Beth was on her knees beside Delphine listening intently and doing as Delphine instructed.

“Here, here.” Felix ran into the room, handing a bottle of rubbing alcohol to Delphine.

“She can't breathe. Her trachea is completely occluded.” Delphine explained, taking the pocket knife from Beth and dumping the contents of the bottle Felix handed her on it and her hands. Thankfully in a spa they had rubbing alcohol. He could have easily grabbed her a pair of gloves as well, but that was one more thing that would have made her wait and Cosima wasn't getting any oxygen. Her eyes were bulging out of her head and her lips were turning blue. If Delphine didn't make a way for her to breathe she would suffocate.

“How do you know where to cut?” Beth asked, taking the hollowed out tube of a pen Felix handed her and disinfecting it. “How do you know wherever you cut won't be blocked as well?”

“I don't!” Delphine snapped. There were the recent scans she had to go off of so she had an idea of where the majority of the masses were, but this disease was spreading so rapidly they could be everywhere now. “Please, I have to...” She brought a shaky hand to that soft spot at the front of Cosima's neck. A perfect, soft, warm, healthy expanse of flesh. Blood pooled quickly under the knife. “Forgive me mon amour...”

* * *

“A coma,” Delphine whispered through tears, standing in the tiny waiting room in the DYAD hospital wing.

“No! No no no no no! She was fine!” Sarah protested, stopping when Siobhan took her hand.

“She was far from fine,” Beth protested.

“But she wasn't _this_ sick,” Alison said, more of a plea than anything else.

“She was making jokes and laughing,” Felix added. “She was walking and talking and being Cosima.”

Helena shook her head. “It is too soon. We are not...ready yet.”

“I'm so sorry,” The doctor said. He was a good doctor, the best. One of the very select few people in the world that Delphine would entrust with Cosima's life. He was supposed to do her next surgery. “You were right to open her airway. The masses have completely occluded the upper part of her trachea. We put a trach in and there is room for airflow, for now. She is on life support, but there is still brain activity.”

“Brain activity?” Siobhan repeated. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” Delphine began with a deep breath, picking a missed speck of mud off of her arm. After the ambulance had come and gone she, Sarah, Alison and Helena were still covered in caked on mud. Alison and Helena got in the showers and rinsed off willingly, but Siobhan and Beth had to physically take Sarah and Delphine in and rinse them off themselves before they followed to the hospital. “That Cosima is still in there. Her body is just shutting down.”

“I'm going to go call her mother,” Alison quickly excused herself.

Delphine looked through blurry eyes around the room. Donnie met them when they first got to the hospital and took Gemma and Kira home. Once they left, everyone lost it. It took everyone to hold Delphine and Sarah back. They were fully prepared to fight everyone and anyone in their way to stay by Cosima's side. Even DYAD had rules about employees working on their loved ones and Delphine's leverage over her boss had run out. It was one thing to work on your fiancée's case from a research perspective. Actual medical procedures were another and since Cosima _“Put a ring on it,”_ her words, they had been much stricter with keeping Delphine in her place.

_“Loved ones aren't allowed to work on family, Delphine, you know that. Cosima is your...” Leekie trailed off, looking from Delphine out the window. “Fiancée, now. We cannot continue to overlook your involvement in her case. Your role here is research; develop treatments, find a cure, but stay in the lab. We didn't hire you to have any sort of direct contact with our subjects. In some cases it has happened, but in this case it has to stop. Over Familiarity with the subject is a liability. You're too close to this one Delphine. If you want to continue to be allowed to work on her case, stay out of her care.”_

Thankfully Cosima made friends easily that hated Leekie as much as they did so they gladly overlooked the rules and allowed Delphine to continue to take point in Cosima's care, but the security guards at the door seemed to have missed the memo.

“Can we see her?” Delphine asked.

“Of course,” The doctor said with a tight-lipped smile. “Dr. Cormier-”

“Does anyone mind if I go first?” She asked. “I want to see her then call Scott and get down to the lab.” Delphine said to the group with absolutely no idea what that would accomplish, but she had to try something. She couldn't sit by Cosima's bedside and watch her slowly suffocate, her organs shut down, and for the woman she loved to disappear. There was something she could do. There had to be and she would find it.

“Dr. Cormier, how long are you planning on keeping Cosima on life support? Her DNR just said long enough for you all to say your goodbyes, but it didn't give a specific time frame.”

Delphine's legs gave out from under her and she fell into Beth's arms.

“DNR?” Beth questioned.

“What's that? What's it mean?” Sarah asked.

Delphine hadn't wanted to die since she was a teenager; sent away from her parents, feeling that no matter how hard she tried every accomplishment was a disappointment, having no friends, the girls in her class spreading horrible lies about her for no good reason, but right now, in this moment, she wanted to die more than anything.

_“He-ey Scotty.” Cosima croaked out, sitting herself up careful not to disturb the many lines going from her body to various machines measuring various things in her body._

_“Hi,” Scott waved, chuckling nervously._

_Cosima rolled her eyes and waved him over. “Come have a seat.”_

_“O-okay.” He said nervously, slowly making his way over to the hospital bed in the middle of the room.”Where's Dr. Cormier?”_

_“Delphine,” Cosima corrected. “Was told to go home and not to come back for at least eight hours and that she is expected to eat, shower, sleep and get some clean clothes.”_

_“Yeah, she hasn't left here for a minute.”_

_“I know,” Cosima smiled sadly. “I love her for it, I do, and I wouldn't have made it through the past few days without her, but she needed to go for a little while,” she coughed softly into her elbow, surprised when she pulled away and there wasn't a speck of blood on her arm. It was still so surreal to see. For so long every cough had brought up painful visual reminders of the disease eating away at her lungs that it still amazed her that had completely stopped just a few days after surgery. “I needed to talk to you without anyone here. Everyone else had work so I just needed to get rid of Delphine.”_

_Scott nervously ran a hand through his hair. “Uh...”_

_“Scott, I need you to do something for me but you can't tell anyone. Especially not Delphine,” she looked down at her hands, finally steady again. “She won't understand, but I can't...I can't-”_

_Scott leaned forward, placing his hand over Cosima's. “I'm your guy.”_

_Cosima loved him for it. He had been working with Delphine long before they met, but they had become pretty good friends since she joined their team. She knew keeping something like this from his boss was not a light request. “I need you to get me a DNR.”_

_Scott's face fell. “But you're doing so much better. Better than expected.”_

_“I know,” Cosima agreed. “I know, but that surgery was a band-aid. Just, in case anything happens, I don't want to stay alive hooked up to machines. The past few days have been excruciating Scott, San Francisco was excruciating. I don't have room for anymore excruciating.”_

_“What if you still have brain activity?”_

_“No machines, Scott. If I can't maintain my own existence, pull the plug.”_

“Delphine, love,” Siobhan said gently, placing a hand on her arm. “What's a DNR?”

Delphine shook her head, willing the whole day to be a bad dream. “A do not resuscitate order.”


	44. Ignorance is Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're doing a site update tomorrow night when I would most likely be able to post, so posting this chapter a day early. You all inspired me with all your reviews! Holy plot twist Batman!! Not much about Cosima this chapter so I am sorry to keep you all in suspense longer, but I assure you this is all very much necessary. In life, just because one tough thing is going on, the world doesn't stop spinning. People still have lives to live, obligations, journeys. Trust the journey, my friends...

****“But she has brain activity. We can't begin to entertain these sort of ideas right now.”

“Cosima was very clear,” Scott said apprehensively, barely able to look up at his boss. “She didn't want any life preserving measures that required her life being sustained by-”

“She's still in there Scott!” Delphine protested.

_“Delphine will need the most time. Keep me hooked up as long as she needs. I hate that this is just another thing to put on her, but I don't want anyone forcing her to pull the plug or making the decision for her. It should be her.”_

“Okay,” he nodded. “As long as you need.” He didn't have to say that Cosima's body would give out long before Delphine would have to make this decision. It didn't matter in the end. Cosima only had a few days left either way. They didn't know these facts when Cosima signed the DNR.

Delphine nodded and looked up at the clock on the other side of the lab. It had only been an hour since she left Cosima, but she felt the need to see her again before Beth's procedure. To explain. “I'll be back.”

Scott nodded, watching with sad, sympathetic eyes as she left the lab. They were never going to get anywhere if he was lucky to get an hour of her time every couple of hours. He didn't blame her. If that was someone he loved he would want to be with them as much as possible too, but . . . He shook his head when the door closed. But nothing. They would never find a cure in time even if Delphine stayed in the lab all day and night.

The hospital was attached to the research building so it only took a few minutes to get to Cosima’s room. Carolyn had been there since her flight got in, but had left earlier to get some sleep. Alison had to pick her kids up from school, Helena went to her church to pray, Felix had a meeting with a potential buyer for some of his artwork, and Sarah left without much explanation, but Beth was there. Not much else for her to do until she could get back to work. Which was a mess of a situation as well.

“I'll go get something to eat.” Beth said, rising to her feet when Delphine came into the room.

Delphine shook her head. “No, no, you can stay,” she said, not looking away from Cosima on the bed. As a doctor Delphine had seen her fair share of people on life support, but seeing Cosima there made her want to grab the nearest barrel and vomit. Not that there would be anything in her stomach to vomit. Cosima's stats were horrible. Her blood pressure was low, her oxygenation levels so low even with the trach that her lips were beginning to turn blue, her temperature was up. They did another test this morning to measure her brain activity and it was still as strong as ever. Cosima was still there and as long as she was, Delphine would fight for her.

“She's beautiful,” Delphine said softly, running a hand down Cosima's pale cheek. She doubted there could be anything that could make Cosima any less beautiful in her eyes. Every minute of everyday she was breathtaking.

“Yeah she is.” Beth smiled sadly. “Listen Delphine, about the DNR-”

“Beth please...I can't.” Delphine whispered, begging Beth to see it from her point of view. “Cosima, she...she's still in there. She can probably hear everything we are saying right now.”

“If her brain is still...working,” Beth began, trying to understand what was going on. “Why is she in a coma? Why can't she regulate her own body?”

Delphine shook her head. Medicine and science weren't the saving grace many people thought they were. Not everything had an explanation. “She's just...” she fumbled. “Too weak. Her body doesn't even have the energy to keep itself going. I am sure her brain is trying, but the masses...it is only a matter of time until even the machine breathing for her can no longer help.”

Beth took a minute, taking everything in. She didn't trust herself to leave to even get a cup of coffee. When she told Delphine she would go get something to eat she was only going to sit outside the room for a while. The urge to fall back into her old habits of dealing with things was unbelievably strong.

Delphine squeezed Beth's hand in a silent offer of comfort and strength, before taking the seat on the other side of the bed. With a smile she took Cosima's hand and brushed an errant curl from her face. “Mon amour...” she spoke softly. There was a great deal of research on people who came out of comas saying they were able to hear everything spoken to them when they were unconscious. Given that Cosima still had good, strong brain activity it was likely she was aware of everything going on, and could hear and feel. “Je sais que c'est pas juste de te demander ça. Tu as été tellement forte pendant si longtemps, mais tu ne peux pas déjà partir. Notre histoire n'est pas finie. On a besoin de plus de temps..." **(I know it is not fair to ask this of you. You have been so strong for so long, but you cannot go just yet. Our story isn't finished. We need more time…** ) She and Scott needed more time to find a cure and she and Cosima needed more time together. There was no coming back from Cosima or her love. It was like nothing else in the world and Delphine feared that without it she would wither.

“Je sais que tu ne veux pas, mais je vais faire une autre greffe de mœlle osseuse venant de Beth. Elle est d'accord. Je suis vraiment désolée... Je ne vois pas ce que je pourrais faire d'autre. Je suis perdue, Cosima. J'ai déchiré ton Ne Pas Réanimer. Tu n'avais pas le droit ! Tu aurais dû m'en parler ! Je suis ta fiancée..." **(I know you don't want to, but I am going to do another bone marrow transplant from Beth. She's agreed to it. I am so sorry...I don’t see what else I could do. I am lost Cosima. I ripped up your DNR. You had no right! You should have talked to me about it! I am your fiancée…)** Bringing a hand up to cover her mouth, she sobbed into her hand. There were no words for how she felt when the doctor said those words. _DNR._ She hadn't been able to pick herself up off the floor for nearly an hour. Even then the only reason she did was because the need to be with Cosima was stronger than her total devastation. She felt betrayed by both Cosima and Scott. Even now it was still weighing heavily on her like a chain around her heart, tightening with every step she took. If only she didn't also understand why Cosima did it. “Je t'aime plus que tout ; je n'ai jamais ressenti quelque chose d'aussi fort. Je ne veux pas... je ne peux pas abandonner ça.” **(I love you more than anything; I have never felt anything that strong. I don't want... I can't give up on that.)** **  
**

Grabbing a tissue she wiped her face and turned to Beth with a deep breath, slipping back into English. Cosima's understanding of the French language was pretty good now. Speaking it wasn't nearly so, but Delphine spoke slowly so that hopefully Cosima would catch most of what she said. She needed to explain. Cosima would understand. She was probably pissed, but there wasn't much she could do about it. If she made it out of this she couldn't be angry. She would be alive.

_“It's probably so drug riddled I can't use it anyway.”_

_“Beth will be out of rehab soon. She is one-hundred percent clean. We can do a fresh transplant-”_

_“I am doing well now. There's no need-”_

_“The growths will come back Cosima. If we do a transplant at the same time we do the surgery or even a week before it will give your body that extra strength you need. It could make the treatment more effective-”_

_“Delphine, no! I don't want to use her bone marrow. No bone marrow, no transplants, just no.”_

“Are you ready?”

“She will hate you for this.”

“She will have to be alive to hate me.”

“Okay.” Beth nodded. “Let's do it.”

As soon as Beth's procedure began, Cosima was started on a strong two day crash course chemo plan to get her ready for the transplant. Far from ideal only having such little time to do it, but it was needed to destroy some of the mass forming cells. Ideally they would have done radiation too, but even doing chemo was a huge gamble. Cosima's body was so weak, but they couldn't do the transplant without at least a small amount of chemotherapy first. They had to kill some of her bad cells to make way for Beth’s healthy ones.

Delphine held Cosima's hand through the entire first chemo treatment. Cosima would be given a heavy dose every few hours. Delphine gave up on pretending that there was anything she could do in the lab. Scott was still working on it as were the rest of her team, but unless the transplant took and bought them more time, there was no point. She had a theory. Based in absolutely nothing, but her theory was that if Cosima could feel her and hear her then maybe she wouldn't let go. There was nothing Delphine could do for Cosima at this point as her doctor so she was going with her heart.

This first course of chemo was almost complete. Just a little while longer and hopefully the drug would be on its way to starting to destroy some of Cosima's diseased cells. At the very least stopping them from continuing to replicate, giving her body a halfway decent shot at fighting back. This plan wasn't a miracle cure or even a good fix. Just enough to make her strong enough for a second surgery. Hopefully.

Delphine took a breath and softly caressed Cosima's cheek, placing a feather light kiss on her lips. “This is not the end. I will not let those few words we exchanged at the spa be the last words we say to one another. I want to tell you how much I love you and hear you say those words back to me. We have plans, Cosima. You aren't getting out of them this easily. I-”

Her phone vibrated on the table, pulling her attention away. “It's Sarah,” As long as Cosima had brain activity she was alive and Delphine would treat her as such. She would narrate every step she took if she had to to feel connected. “Sarah?”

_“I need your help.”_

Delphine was immediately on alert. “What's happened?

 _“Normally I'd go to Cosima with this, but . . . now you're the only one who knows science, yeah?”_ She let out a long breath. Sarah Manning was never nervous like this. She was a straight shooter. Right to the point. Get in, get out, get on with your day.

“Is it about Cosima?”

_“No. Well, yeah, sort of. It's about all five of us. I uh...there's this...you know I've been searching for our birth parents?”_

“Yes,” Delphine nodded. When they were in Paris Sarah told her and Cosima of her plans to track down the people who gave them life. Cosima, Alison and Beth didn't feel what Sarah and Helena did. They had loving, doting parents who molded them into strong, secure women. Sarah and Helena didn't have that. They didn't know who they were. Of course they were all curious about their birth parents, but it was only Sarah and Helena who truly _needed_ to find them. There had always been something missing for them. Something Alison, Beth and Cosima never felt.

_“There's this company. You give them your DNA and they create this whole profile for you of where you come from and put you in contact with people you share DNA with if they also submitted DNA to this place. I'm gonna text it to you.”_

Delphine opened her messages and a moment later there was a full DNA profile, with a match. One was Sarah's, the other, her eyes widened, was labeled 'Mother'. The two profiles shared mitochondrial DNA. Another message came through of the different countries all the parts of the DNA came from with percentages for both profiles.

 _“It could be Kira,”_ Sarah said, but Cosima told her that Cal was 100% Dutch and there was no Dutch in either of the profiles. So unless he wasn't really Kira's father... _“They asked for a cheek swab and hair. I took some hair off my brush...”_

“Oh my God.” A lab specializing in tests like this would know well enough to differentiate between mother and daughter. If it was Kira's hair on that brush the lab would know Sarah was the mother, not the daughter. It could only be one person. One person who would have used Sarah's hair brush.

_“Please tell me I'm reading this wrong Delphine.”_

“Sarah...”

_“It was dark hair. I made sure not to send any light ones in case Kira used my brush. Should have just ripped some out of my bloody head. I wasn't expecting a match to come from what I sent in!”_

“Sarah,” Delphine didn't know what to say.

Sarah knew exactly what the test meant even if she was trying to deny it. _“She can't be! If S is our Mum why would she give us all up just to raise me anyway?”_

“Ask her?” Delphine offered. It didn't make any sense. If Siobhan was their mother...like Sarah said, why would she give them up just to adopt her own daughter years later? If five babies were too much, and understandably so, why not just keep one from the start and give the others up? Why not tell the girls at any point over the past however long it had been since they all met? Why not tell Sarah at any point when she was young and confused and angry? It was more than Delphine could wrap her head around at the moment.

_“I...where the hell do I even start?”_

Delphine sighed. As strong as Sarah portrayed herself, deep down she was just a girl who wanted to know who she was. “Come here. I'll call everyone.”

* * *

“That is bollocks S and you know it!” Sarah fumed.

Delphine narrowed her eyes and looked up at Sarah, flicking her eyes to Cosima on the bed and back, silently telling Sarah to quiet down. As if Cosima wasn't in the middle of another chemo treatment and was only there resting, and shouting would do anything to any part of this situation. There was no indication Cosima was aware of anything that was going on, but Delphine knew she was in there probably listening just as intently as her sisters.

Sarah looked to her sister and deflated, sitting down on the end of the bed.

“Siobhan, I don't understand,” Alison said, softly. “You've had Sarah since she was eight. You've known the rest of us since we were teenagers.”

Siobhan looked around the room at all the sisters, at her  _daughters._ “I knew it was a possibility, but I never got a DNA test to confirm. I thought it was safer that way.”

“Safer for who?” Helena asked, a permanent snarl on her face since she had been told. All the years she suffered, being locked in a cage, abused and forced to do things no child should ever have to do for what?

“Let me explain.”

“Probably a good idea,” Beth said.

Siobhan sighed. Better to just explain and let the chips fall where they would. It was a little late to ask for forgiveness. “I didn't always run with the right people or the best crowds. Some of my work-”

“At that age, what sort of work could that have possibly been?” Sarah asked in condescension to which Siobhan simply looked at her with a raised brow.

“When I was twenty I was kidnapped. I have very little memories from the next year. I was kept almost constantly drugged,” she said with pursed lips, remembering what she had felt then. She hadn't known what day it was, where she was or how much time had passed. She had been petrified and confused and tried to put the pieces of what was happening together before they found that she was awake and shot her up again. “I was in a lab, of sorts. I didn't know any of what they did to me. I couldn't imagine they would have....” she trailed off, not fighting the lone tear that made its way down her cheek. “I didn't find out the full extent of what they did to me for a long time and didn't realize the truth of who you all were until you were eighteen and all five of you were sat on my floor and then what was I supposed to say?”

“How about you're our _Mum_ ? I was angry _for years_ , S! And you _knew_!” Sarah exclaimed.

“I didn't know!” Siobhan countered. Anger at herself, at Sarah for not seeing things from anyone's view but Sarah's, and anger at the people who did this to all of them bubbling up over the surface. “Not when you were little. I knew I’d had been pregnant, but it wasn’t until you were twelve that I learned I had five  _children_ and that you were one of them _._ That's why we left England! I heard a rumor the people who did this were in London so I had to get you away from there. Someone told me the rest of you had been adopted by good families. We didn't know about you, Helena. Not until much later and I am so sorry for what you went through. If I'd known I would have found you and taken you with us. For the rest of you, I thought that if they created you and put you inside of me in secret then you were all better off not knowing the truth. For your own safety-”

“For fuck’s sake, S!”

“I did what I had to to keep you safe! The people who took me were dangerous people, Sarah!”

“Who were they?” Sarah asked, but was met with silence. “Who's our father?” Felix reached out, putting a grounding hand on Sarah's leg in front of him.

Alison, Beth and Helena sat there in silence trying to digest this part of themselves that had been kept secret for nearly thirty years. It was Siobhan all along. Since they met the older woman she had always been like a mother to them, but this was just . . . she _was_ their mother. Alison and Beth had wonderful parents who raised them, but it still hurt that their biological mother had been there for so long and they didn't know.

“You knew!”

“Nothing has changed, Sarah.” Siobhan protested. “I raised you as my daughter-”

“Nothing's changed?” Sarah asked incredulously, being so completely dumbfounded that she kept repeating that phrase softly to herself.

“I did what I felt was best. For my daughters.”

“You lied to us!” Sarah stood up and yelled, shaking her head. “I'm not your daughter. Not anymore.”

Sarah stormed out followed almost immediately by Helena and Felix. After a moment Beth and Alison followed as well.

“You're going to have to tell them eventually, Siobhan. They deserve to know.”

Siobhan took a breath, looking from Delphine to Cosima and back to Delphine. “I will,” she assured. “When it's safe.”

“And when will that be?”

“Soon.”

* * *

It paid to be connected. It especially paid to be connected to people who knew how to do things and get information better than the best criminals in the world. It had been nearly two decades since Siobhan left Brixton. Canada was one of the few countries the people she had been hiding from didn't operate in. Canada was harder to move product around. It was too far from Mexico or Africa or Eastern Europe and it was cold. It was so bloody cold and these people had better things to do without worrying about products dying of hypothermia. More food, clothing and sources of heat all cut into their profit margin.

They were known as the Triple J - Jessa, Julien and their son, Jonathan. Siobhan started working against them when she was sixteen. She met someone who put her in contact with someone else and the rest, as they say, was history. From there Siobhan Sadler found her calling even dropping out of high school and getting her GED to devote herself to this full time. No one suspected a teenage girl of being capable of doing the kinds of things she did. For years Siobhan helped steal people away from the Triple J. People they bought and sold. Into the sex trade, for medical experiments, for torture or whatever a buyer wanted them for.

The organization had been disbanded for nearly ten years now, but Jessa and Julien were still around. John signed his own death warrant the minute he and Siobhan met. They had been Romeo and Juliet in nearly every sense of the word. She wasn't suppose to fall for him. Just get close enough to get him to trust her. He had no idea who she was, but even knowing who and what he was, Siobhan fell for him. It was teenage love, not meant to last, but they were obsessed with one another. So much so that John let her in on everything. And she _almost_ fucked the plan, but in the end the lives of all those people were worth more.

After that Siobhan confessed the truth. It didn't matter to John. He designed this elaborate plan of staging his own death to escape his parents and the family business so they could run away and be together. John was a good, honest man, if a bit of a heavy drinker. He never wanted to be involved in that.

They were taken together that night. Son or not, their relationship was akin to treason in his parents' eyes. Siobhan was one of the youngest in their little group of misfit rebels, but by far one of the best. They liberated hundreds of people costing the organization millions of dollars.

When she was eventually rescued, it was John who saved her. He escaped a couple months after being taken and had been searching for Siobhan since. Of course they weren't held in the same place and given Jessa and Julien's line of work, there were thousands of places around the world in which to hide people. But he found her. Took all the cash he had saved up over the years and just left. They went back to her family in Ireland where they were more than happy to help the young couple hide. And things became normal. They got normal jobs, got married and started building a life together. A few years later when they had had no luck having children, Siobhan went to the doctor and found she had extensive damage to her reproductive organs. She knew it was at the hands of Jessa and Julien, but she needed to know exactly what they did.

The doctor told her she had had a child, pointing out an extremely well repaired c-section scar, nearly invisible to the naked eye. No one beside a plastic surgeon could have covered it up so well. Of course she noticed some changes to her body. There was a bit of a belly she was never able to get rid of and sometimes for no reason at all she had these stabbing pains very low in her abdomen, but there were no stretchmarks and this scar hardly looked like a scar. At best it looked like an indent of sorts. She still had some contacts so she started poking around, asking them to get her information about what happened to her while she was missing. The next day she came home and John was dead.

It was pure fear that had kept her away. Kept her from looking for Jessa and Julien, kept her from seeking retribution, kept her from looking for her children. She tried to talk to the police after John's death. Was beaten within an inch of her life for it and it was then that she knew she couldn't look. If they killed John, their own son, Siobhan didn't doubt they would kill her children too. If they were even still alive. Which, given her captors, seemed highly unlikely. If she had been able to stand-up and pull herself together she would have gone after them then, but she wasn't able to do that until Sarah came into the picture and then her need to keep this little girl safe overruled her lust for blood.

She was young then. Didn't understand that there was a high price for righting wrongs.

Why they let her go and let her live she didn't know. Did they know living without John would be a fate worse than death? Or that never knowing if her children were okay would keep her awake for years? It was one of those ignorance is bliss situations where she figured she was better off not knowing. Her old group continued to work against them and eventually ran them into the ground. She heard Jessa and Julien killed all of their top people over the course of a three year period toward the end when someone tipped INTERPOL off and they went from being unknown to police, at least those that couldn't be bought off, to their faces, names, aliases and even bloodtypes being known to law enforcement across the globe. They couldn't move without someone knowing about it.

They disappeared, but Siobhan had a secret weapon. A hacker known only as MK. They worked together against the Triple J way back when and even though Siobhan left, MK still kept tabs on them all these years later. And Siobhan still kept tabs on MK.

_“They haven't done anything. Not so much as an internet search in ten years. They are completely off the grid.”_

Siobhan nodded, adjusting her laptop screen to better see her once close friend. “Then how do you know where they are?”

MK smirked. _“There's always a way.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started working on a new Cophine fic the other day! Don't want to give too much away, but it's AU with no nasty illnesses! Hoping it won't be too long. Don't think I have another long one like this in me for a while.


	45. Paying the Piper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Mrs. S, MK and Kendall! NOT in this story, but you know, in Orphan Black land. Remember Kendall from way back? She was there for a reason.) This all shouldn't have come out of nowhere if you have been looking closely. There have been little clues about nearly everything from the beginning ;)

Siobhan cast her gaze up the street then down again before turning her attention to the incredibly plain, nondescript house in front of her. All this time and they were barely three hours away.

“MK says only two inside, S.”

S looked over and nodded. “Thanks Benjamin. I think I can handle them myself.”

“You sure?”

Siobhan nodded, pulling out her gun and clicking the safety off in one smooth motion. "They're senior citizens now. In their seventies. Hardly much of a threat."

“We'll be out here if you need anything.”

S nodded again and headed around to the back of the house where one of Benjamin's people silently opened the door to the back of the garage. This was what Siobhan did. She was silent and deadly and damn good at keeping those she swore to protect safe. No one got away with doing anyone she cared about harm. She crossed through the garage to the door on the other side. It opened into the kitchen, Siobhan immediately noticing all the knives were accounted for in the set beside the sink. Didn't mean there weren't other knives in the house though. Or guns.

It was late. With barely a sound throughout the house as she moved from room to room, S figured they were asleep and made her way to where the blueprint MK sent over said the master bedroom would be, and in it what was left of the Triple J empire. In the hallway the floorboard under her foot creaked and she froze, a soft rustling coming from the other side of the door to her right. With decades of practice she was able to slow her breathing to be even quieter and after two, maybe three minutes and no further  sounds she continued. She peeked just her head in and saw two bodies on the bed. Confident those were her targets and that they were, in fact, sleeping, she quietly made her way around the rest of the house, before coming back a few minutes later. The door was slightly ajar only needing to be opened a tiny bit more so she could slip through and there they were. Sleeping peacefully like there wasn't a single thing they worried about.

Until now.

It would be easy to shoot them right where they lay. Walk away and be done with it, but she needed answers. Her daughters deserved answers and unfortunately these were the only people who could give them that. She should have done this years ago, but she was young and scared. She moved onto other causes and tried to push Jessa and Julien as far from her memory as she could. Of course her children were never far from her mind. She went back for further testing later and judging by the extensive damage to her uterus the doctor _guessed_ it had been a multiples pregnancy, but aside from that there wasn't anything anyone could tell her. She thought of her children everyday, never dreaming there were five of them. She figured twins, but quintuplets....

She wondered what they looked like, their names, if she would ever met them, and whether or not they survived. It was MK who eventually told her there were five. Years after they moved to Canada. MK offered numerous times to help her find them, Siobhan suspected the hacker had already done just that, but as badly as she wanted to know them she knew they were safer away from her. Triple J wasn't the only organization with a vendetta against her. She just asked MK to make sure they were safe. Unfortunately somehow Helena slipped through the cracks.

It was a paranoid time in a radical fringe and after she got out she put her efforts and talents towards keeping people safe and let others do the dirty work. Then she took in Sarah and devoted herself entirely to raising her, and later Felix, and keeping them safe and that meant staying away from everything that had once been so important to her. It meant forgetting about her children out in the world somewhere. If she could go back she would do so many things differently, but the past was the past and now it was time to pay the piper.

She flipped the lightswitch on by the closet and brought her hands together, loudly. “Bravo,” she said when the occupants shot up in bed, hands immediately reaching hidden weapons before seeing the gun pointed at them. “You know, if I'd known how close you were I'd 'a done this years ago.”

“Siobhan Sadler,” Jessa began, an appreciative smile on her face. “Always hoped we would see each other again one day.”

“Did you know?” Siobhan asked with a shrug. “Well I do aim to please. I also aim to kill. Both of you out of bed, now,” she made Jessa tie Julien's hands behind his back and then tied her hands herself. Elders or not, she wasn't taking any chances. They were far from innocent.

“Ow! Little tight!”

“Good. Now move.” Gun aimed at the back of their heads she directed them downstairs where she had removed all the weapons, pushed everything aside and put two wooden chairs in the middle of the room. Six feet between them, of course. Less they be tempted to try anything.

“Prepared, I see.” Jessa said, groaning as Siobhan shoved her into one seat and her husband in the other.

“You know me,” Siobhan agreed as she tied them to the chairs. It was the basement so there were only small, high windows and she had drawn the curtains just in case. It was very late though so no risk of the sun coming up anytime soon or anyone looking in and seeing anything. Not that with Benjamin and the others out there anyone would get that close.

“Why now?” Julien asked, very nonchalant. “We haven't see you in nearly thirty years. Been out of the game for over ten.”

Siobhan looked at her captives. They didn't look surprised to see her in the least. Almost as if they had been expecting it every day since the last time they saw her. “I should have looked for you a long time ago,” Siobhan agreed. “But I was young. I had John and then a little girl. I took in one of my daughters, did you know that? Of course I didn't know she was mine when I took her in. Didn't find out what exactly you did to me for quite some time after that. I raised her from eight years old, and I was perfectly content to never give you lot another thought, but my fear of you forced me to lie to her for a long time and that may very well have cost me our relationship...” Siobhan paused, taking a breath to calm herself. She needed answers before she killed them. “Just tell me why.”

Jessa sighed. “We had a buyer. Had some kind of grudge against you and wanted to see you dead.”

“For what?”

“Revenge.” The woman shrugged. “Didn’t matter to us. They pay, we provide. I would have given you over for free too. Payback for leading our John astray.”

“The people you _provided_ were human beings!”

Jessa and Julien exchanged a bored look and Siobhan wanted nothing more than to grab Jessa's long, grey braid and use it to strangle her.

“Who was the buyer?” She asked instead, circling around the pair. They weren't afraid of her and that alone made Siobhan livid. These two petrified her for most of her adult life. There were still nights she woke drenched with sweat, having a dream about them. It wasn't fair. Not for Siobhan, not for Sarah or Cosima or Alison or Beth or Helena, not for any one of the thousands of people who had been killed because of these people. People were dead because of them, death probably coming as a sweet relief after the horrors they were subjected to and they were enjoying a cushy retirement in the woods. After a few minutes without a response, and growing quickly tired of this game, Siobhan shot Jessa in the leg, knowing full well Julien was the weak link and would cooperate better if he thought he had any shot at helping his wife. “Who?”

“The Scientist.”

“Who is the Scientist?” Of course she knew this person by that name, but that name wasn't going to help her find him.

“Don't tell her a thing!” Jessa barely spat out around her screams.

“Aldous Leekie.” Julien answered when Jessa's screams wouldn't stop and blood poured from her thigh. They were both smart enough to know they would only survive until they gave Siobhan what she wanted, but dear ol' Julien hoped Siobhan would take pitty on an old retired couple if he cooperated. His facade started to fade as he looked helplessly at his wife writhing in agony. He never was the brains of the operation. In fact, he was hardly involved at all. More of a paper pusher if anything. Julien wasn't made out for this anymore than John had been. Didn't stop him from reaping the benefits of being a career criminal though. “You stole dozens of product he bought and he wanted revenge.”

_And he has it now,_ Siobhan thought. Cosima was under his thumb at this very moment. All of them were. Sarah, Helena, Beth and Alison barely left Cosima's side and when they did it was only when necessary. Her blood turned to ice. Aldous Leekie was The Scientist. All this time and Cosima was right under his thumb. This was why Cosima and Delphine’s research kept hitting brick walls and dead ends. When things looked promising further testing and research would shoot them right down. Their research and theories were sound yet they barely made any headway. The science was there. It was just being blocked.

“Who is their father?” She demanded, concentrating every bit of strength she could to keep the emotion out of her voice. All she wanted to do right now was kill them both and breakdown, but she couldn't.

If possible, it sounded like Jessa laughed around a scream and Julien struggled against his restraints, wanting nothing more than to help his wife. Aside from getting to Siobhan, but he knew he was no match for her. “You know,” she forced herself to answer with a sneer. “They have his eyes.”

_John._ Siobhan's face fell. It wasn't possible.

“You were already pregnant when we took you.” Julien explained. For his part he did look apologetic. Those children were his granddaughters and he always was a family man.

“We were going to terminate,” Jessa piped up, seething between gritted teeth. “But he said he would pay for the child too.”

“I bet five of them greatly increased your profit.” Jessa laughed again, her screams dying down as her body grew weaker. “They're your grandchildren.”

“John was a traitor.” Jessa said with a glare in her eyes. Julien just looked away.

“One baby split into five. I'm supposed to just believe that? Believe you didn't make me an experiment of your own?”

“It's extremely rare, but it can happen.” Julien said.

Siobhan shook her head. Hardly mattered right now. “What happened then? Who took the girls?”

“We don't know.” Julien admitted. “We gave you and the girls to Leekie. He told us they were taken from him by someone known as Claíomh an Chuirt.”Siobhan's blood ran cold once again, when it had only just warmed. “We still can't figure out how she did it.”

Siobhan took a deep breath. That was all she needed from them. Locking eyes with Jessa she brought her gun up and aimed right between her eyes. “And you never will.”

Two shots, both right between the eyes. Her aim was impeccable even without her beloved shotgun.

“It done?”

Siobhan nodded to Benjamin who signaled to his crew to go inside and clean up the bodies. “I need the keys.”

“Where do you want to go?”

She shook her head, holding her hand out. “This one I have to do on my own.”

* * *

The door pulled back the tiniest bit, the occupant not trusting Siobhan. “What d'ya want?”

“Hello Ma.” Siobhan greeted. “Or should I call you, the Sword of Justice?” If people had used their real names none of this would be happening. She wouldn't have let Cosima work at DYAD and would have been forced to tell them all of this then. Maybe working on this disease in any other lab in the world Coima would have found her cure by now.

Kendall opened the door, letting Siobhan in. “Always knew you'd figure it out one day. Just hoped I'd be dead.”

“Who helped you?” Again Siobhan was struggling to hold her emotions back. This wasn't the time. She needed answers. The relationship she had with her mother had been strained since she ran off at sixteen. It was a tale as old as time, really. Girl drops out of school, meets a boy, runs away with him, mother disapproves. Nothing noteworthy or exciting sadly. They saw each other a, very, small handful of times throughout the year. Kendall had met Sarah, but there was no relationship there. No indication she ever cared for her enough to save her as a baby or that she felt anything for her grandchild at all.

Kendall took a deep breath, sitting down at the small round table in the kitchen and lighting a cigarette. “MK. She found them. I got them out. Then guided John to get you.”

Siobhan shook her head. “Should have known.” MK was an amazing hacker. Crafty, but anonymous. Saved hundreds of lives by finding the holding places Jessa and Julien used and getting the info to Siobhan.

“We split them up. Thought it would be safer that way. There were people we trusted, safe people, in different countries we sent them too and they put them in good homes. Sarah and Helena...” she sighed, an honest look of regret on her face. “I don't know how that happened.”

“Why didn't you keep them? Until John got me out and then give them back?”

“Siobhan, you know better than that. Those girls were targets. It was too dangerous to keep you all together.”

“Why didn't you ever tell me?”

“Same you never told them I suppose. It was safer not to. I knew the day would come when the organization was completely eliminated and I'd deal with it then.”

“Start dealing, Ma!” Siobhan said through a tensed jaw. Her mother knew all of this. When Siobhan and John were in hiding, when they were trying to have children, after he died when she had been so lost, when Sarah showed up...

“They're dead?”

“All but one. The buyer.”

There would be time for all of this later. This had just been a quick stop on the way to her true destination. She should have gone straight to Leekie, but she had to know how her mother knew all of this. And why, but that weak explanation would not last long. As soon as everything else was sorted out she would come back for a proper chat, but there was Leekie to deal with, and Cosima...This could wait.

* * *

Siobhan was sitting at his desk when he walked in. For who and what the DYAD Institute was, its security really was for shit. Everyone was so concerned with how their actions would look and be perceived that they were really skint on the pat downs and even when the metal detector went off, followed by the wand when it passed over the back of her head, they accepted her story about a car accident she was in as a teenager resulting in a metal plate in the back of her skull. Who would expect someone to be hiding a gun in their hair, anyway? It was a small weapon, but enough to do the job. Completely hidden by a clip in her hair.

She used an alias when she signed in downstairs, of course. Scott had a friend who worked security and together with Scott they staged a small explosion in the lab next door to the security office, where the video feeds from the numerous security cameras around the Institute were downloading to a secure server. Nothing big or dangerous that would require evacuating anyone. There wouldn't be any major damage, but enough so that when they cut the video feed it would be blamed on the fire. It happened just before Siobhan entered the building. Long enough to cover her visit, but not long enough to alert too many people where they would either lock the building down or evacuate as a security precaution. It would be back up and running as soon as she left.

Benjamin came with her, of course. Handled Leekie's assistant and guarded the elevator. They would be left alone for this.

“If you've done your homework I shouldn't have to introduce myself,” she said in lieu of a greeting. “And I know that you have.”

They never met, but if he knew her by name, he knew her by sight. “Siobhan Sadler,” he said with a  perfectly pleasant smile. “Please, come in.”

If Leekie noticed his assistant was gone from the perch directly in front of his office he didn't say anything. As Siobhan came to him, he would be lulled into a false sense of security and would probably assume that while she would never be harmless, she was unarmed and unable to pose a serious threat. However, she knew all about the panic button under his desk and the emergency buttons on his desk phone he could press and have a dozen security guards with guns here in under a minute, so she cut those wires as soon as she got there. Aside from people she trusted, no one would be able to get to them. “To what do I owe-”

“We can skip the fake pleasantries. I know exactly who and what you are, _Scientist._ ”

Leekie's fake smile fell replaced with a sinister sneer instead. Siobhan was with Cosima on this one. Even if she didn't know exactly what the monster before her was capable of, there was something about him that set off warning bells in her head. “How did you find out?”

“Paid the remaining members of the Triple J a visit. They're slightly less talkative now.”

“Cosima is as good as dead Mrs. Sadler. Another day or two maybe. Three, if the love she has for her lab partner is as strong as everyone here seems to think it is and that has any bearing on how long her diseased riddled body can hold on.”

Siobhan cleared her throat and Leekie nodded, sitting down uneasily in the chair on the other side of his desk after waiting a moment. As if Siobhan would stand and let him have his rightful seat. “They would have found the cure months ago. Every dead end they found themselves at, every promising lead that turned out to be nothing...”

Siobhan had to bite her lip not to say anything. The more rope she gave this man, the easier for him to hang himself with. Her phone was sitting on the desk behind a stack of paperwork recording the entire conversation. Not only was she going to kill Leekie, but his entire reputation along with it. Hopefully not the entirety of DYAD's. As a whole, the company was saving lives and as far as anyone could find, through mostly ethical methods, but if they fell too so be it. “You bastard.”

“Oh, come now Siobhan it wasn't all me though, was it?” Leekie said, leaning back in the chair with a smirk on his face. “You could have cured Cosima years ago if you'd told them the truth of who you are.”

Siobhan's brow furrowed.

“Let me put it in layman's terms. Cosima has a mutation in her cells. A complete work of chance, an accident. Adults have a small number of stem cells in some organs and body tissue; in bone marrow, blood vessels, the brain, skin, teeth, the heart, skeletal muscle, liver, and other organs. True stem cells are hard to harvest from an adult as they are so few, but it can be done. Though those somatic stem cells have a limited capacity for proliferation, thus making it difficult to generate large quantities. I suppose all you need is one overachiever. Nonetheless, in addition to developing a pluripotent stem cell line from human baby teeth, I have successfully reprogrammed specialized adult cells to genetically assume a stem cell-like state.”

“In English, please.”

Leekie sighed. “Call it a mother's love, if you will. You see, when Cosima was forming in your womb the mutation occurred. Her body sent a sort of distress signal to yours and your body activated some of your own stem cells to manufacture a cure of its own. Unfortunately you went into labor too soon. No easy feat carrying five babies, but your body wasn't able to completely cure Cosima though it saved her from dying before she took her first breath and gave her almost thirty years of near perfect health. If labor had held off another two weeks that mutation would have been completely wiped from her body. Instead the disease stayed dormant.

“We had you, and the girls, and were in the process of developing a cell line from those stem cells that would have cured Cosima when you were taken from us.”

Siobhan's hand gripped the phone on the desk, praying this was all clear enough on the other end of the line. “These stem cells, or whatever, do I still have them?” If what Leekie was saying was true, her body potentially held the key to saving her daughter. After all this time, if it had been inside of her all along...

“You should,” Leekie shrugged, looking entirely too pleased with himself. “You're the same blood type. Not that it'll do Cosima any good. It would take weeks to find them and develop a usable cell line and I fear Cosima doesn't have that kind of time.” He said without a hint of remorse and, in fact, had a smirk playing on his lips. This was exactly what he wanted all along. To hurt the person responsible for hurting him. Siobhan cost him billions of dollars in subjects and profits he could have made from using the subjects. She hurt him and he finally had his revenge. If not for her he was sure he would have a Nobel Peace Prize by now. That was the plan until Siobhan Sadler and her team of misfits came in and fucked it all up. Decades of work gone without a steady supply of subjects. All the plans he had could have been completed by now. Instead he was stood in the same place he was nearly thirty years ago no closer to anything.

“What about Duncan? You let him help.”

“Ah, yes.” Leekie began, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees as he explained. Siobhan had to resist the urge to strangle him with her bare hands. “Unfortunately Delphine found him before I could stop her. She is very determined that one. As smart as they come. Would have aroused suspicion if I disturbed that little alliance. I allowed them to go and get his serum. I didn't even have to do that much to it really. It was extremely unstable to start. Delphine would have seen that if she was thinking clearly. They both would have.”

“You know, not that he would remember unfortunately, but Duncan worked on Cosima when she was first born. He almost had a cure ready. Unfortunate. Though his mind isn't what it once was and remembering events from thirty years ago is a bit beyond him these days. Alzheimers. Pity, really. It was why he was nearly successful in treating that subject of his with a disease so similar to Cosima's. Unfortunately he got too close to a cure that could have helped Cosima so that subject had to be put down-”

That was all Siobhan could take. While Leekie was smiling and reminiscing about just how evil his deeds were, Siobhan unclipped her hair and took out her gun. Leekie put up his hands and immediately tried to backtrack. “Just think about this. You don't want to do anything rash.”

“Of course not.” Siobhan shook her head with her own smile now. “Not like having someone kidnapped, held for a year and taking their children? Tell me, what were you going to do with them?”

When Leekie opened his mouth to speak, Siobhan clicked the safety off her gun. “Doesn't matter. I have them back now, and you are the _only_ thing standing between us and absolute freedom. In my shoes, what would you do?”

“I was trying to help people-”

“By turning how many others into lab rats? You don't save a life at the expense of another. People aren't items that can be bought and sold.”

“I know that now.” Leekie pleaded, his fear clearly written over his face. It gave Siobhan a great deal of satisfaction. He had done so much damage in his pathetic life. “I'm a changed man, honest.”

“Is that so?” Leekie nodded. Siobhan tilted her head to the side. “And that's why you've had my daughter working herself literally to death just to destroy any progress she made? You are the reason she is dying. How exactly is that a change?” Leekie had nothing. There was no change. He no longer bought people to experiment, that much was true, but that was through no choice of his own. That was because the organization he used to get these people was driven into the ground. There was no doubt he would still be doing it if there was a way. She took a breath and brought the gun back up. “I'll ask you again. In my shoes, what would you do?”

As soon as Leekie opened his mouth Siobhan fired. She wished she felt better knowing this person responsible for....everything, was dead, but she didn't. The damage he inflicted was too great and while she had the answers her daughters wanted now, they still had to save Cosima. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she checked for a pulse and finding none she put the gun in Leekie's own hand. A shot through the mouth up into the brain would look very much like a suicide. Especially when the conversation they had was released.

She took her gloves off and brought the phone to her ear. “Scott, I'll be out of here in five minutes. Have your friend prepared to turn the cameras back on.”

_“I can't believe he's been researching genetically reprogramming cells and never shared that with us.”_

Siobhan scoffed, meeting Benjamin at the elevator with a nod. “After that entire conversation, _that_ is what you don't believe?”

If she had known this months ago things would be so different. The name Aldous Leekie didn't mean anything to her. Siobhan was mentally yelling at herself the entire way out of Leekie's office and to the hospital. She could have prevented this. As they turned a corner she shook her head. This was not the time. “What about what he said? The stem cells?”

_“He was right, it would take weeks to extract them and develop a cell line. We don't have that kind of time. And somatic cells...”_   Scott sighed.

_“We will do another bone marrow transplant,”_ Delphine spoke up. _“From you this time, Siobhan. Your marrow should have those stem cells. If when you were pregnant your body really developed this...this cure out of your own stem cells, they might still be there. Maybe if we introduce them into Cosima's body...”_ she sighed, trying to work through it in her mind. It was hard to tell at this point who was evaluating these new facts. Was it her medical training telling her this was a viable idea, or the fiancée who would literally run with anything right now? _“Maybe, if they're still there, they will recognize the disease and start working? At the very least if we can get your stem cells circulating and replicating in Cosima's system we may buy some time so we can develop a usable cure.”_

“When can we do it?” Siobhan asked.

_“As soon as you get here. Cosima has another day of chemotherapy before we can do a transplant. We can harvest your marrow and have it ready by the time she is.”_

Siobhan nodded, ending the call and racing up to Cosima's room. All of this could have been prevented if she'd told them everything when she first learned of it. Now Cosima was dying and Sarah wasn't talking to her and everything was a mess. There was simply too much going on for Siobhan to really process. There was still too much to do, so she would push forward and process everything later. She hadn't prayed in a long time, but she sent a silent prayer that this would work. That she would be the cure Cosima had been searching for. The chips would fall where they would later, but if she could do this one thing, right now, if she could help Cosima live, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet no one saw that coming ;)


	46. The Cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting toward the end folks. It's bittersweet. At least for me :) Hope this chapter gets rid of those pitchforks that have been after me for the last few chapters. In the words of Delphine Cormier, "You should have trusted me."

_2 Days After Transplant_

Delphine looked around the office and swallowed the urge to immediately throw up. Not that he didn't absolutely deserve it, but Leekie died a foot from where she was standing. After Siobhan's procedure she explained everything. They brought her into Cosima's room in a wheelchair after she threatened to get up and walk there herself. Delphine, Felix, Scott, Alison, Beth and even Helena sat in silence as they listened to every word. Delphine suspected Cosima was listening just as attentively as well. It was a lot to wrap their heads around.

With Leekie's death, DYAD was left without a director and Delphine was asked to step in. It made sense from an outside perspective. Delphine's name was attached to a lot of groundbreaking and new research so people knew who she was, and working with Dr. Duncan at the DYAD in Paris had turned more than a few heads. For now Cosima's disease was under wraps, so there was chatter going on wondering what that visit was all about. As soon as Cosima was cured she would be sure to tell everyone all about it herself.

Delphine was far from stupid. While she knew that her mind played a big part in this decision, so did her looks. She was young, a pretty face with a French accent which would be a big change from everything Dr. Leekie was and stood for so it would look like DYAD was really trying to make a change and right the wrongs committed under their name. In order to go anywhere in the world you need to keep bringing in new talent and fresh ideas. A young, attractive female director would undoubtedly do that.  

While she wasn't completely sold on the idea of this promotion, at least not while Cosima was so sick that she could barely stand to leave her side, she did have a few requirements of her own. First and foremost, there was no way in hell she was taking Leekie's office. Second, she wanted access to everything Leekie had; his computer, his email, his files, his research. Everything. Third, she wanted to be more than just a pretty face and a figurehead. Her heart beat for the lab. If this promotion was going to take her out of the lab to be sat at a desk all day, forget it. Fourth, she be allowed to be the one to blow the whistle on Leekie. It would be meaningless coming from some public relations person. It had to come from someone who felt some of the pain his actions caused. Fifth, _when_ Cosima got better, they would be given credit for the cure – Cosima, Scott and herself. This was not another product of DYAD. If  'DYAD' had their way Cosima would have died long ago, so this was not another win for the hydra corporation. This was 110% on them, and Cosima would get to chose what to name the disease. Sixth, Scott be promoted to take her current position as the Head of Immunology. And lastly, when all of this was said and done and behind them, they were all going on a long, paid, vacation and when they came back she expected a substantial raise and for Cosima to be offered a permanent position along with a stipend to finish her PhD.

It was pure exhaustion that brought her to those stipulations, a product of everything going on around her, but an hour later there was a contract delivered to her with her stipulations. She told them she couldn't agree to anything permanently right now. Not with her fiancée literally on her deathbed and where every second she wasn't by her side had to be spent working on the cure. DYAD agreed, again. No doubt agreeing to everything as a way to make amends for Leekie. Siobhan would never accept any kind of pay off and neither would any of her daughters, but Delphine worked there. It was as close as they could get. Aside from Aldous Leekie, the majority of the company and the board were good, honest people. Another contract was sent over, this one for her to take over as _interim_ director until such a time as she made a permanent decision.

If they wanted to throw more money at her to do exactly what she was doing now, because she made sure they understood in no uncertain terms that she was not leaving Cosima's side or her research to sit and pose for pictures or whatever they wanted to do to start her new directorship off with, that was on them. There was a press conference she agreed to. Where she announced she was taking over as director of DYAD and exposed Leekie for who and what he truly was. She only hated that it looked like Leekie took the easy way out and killed himself. Of course that was the easiest and most convincing way to spin his death. Siobhan had staged everything beautifully, but she wished the world could know that he got what he deserved.

It had been two days since Cosima's transplant. Delphine sat beside her and held her hand the entire time. All her sisters were there, even Sarah who kept as much space between herself and Siobhan as she could, Felix, Donnie and Carolyn, who was more than a little surprised to learn the truth and felt terrible to have adopted a child that was, quite literally, ripped away from her mother. Siobhan assured her there was no anger or resentment on her side. Carolyn hadn't known anymore than Siobhan had. She was a great mother to Cosima. Even when she couldn't be there, she made sure Cosima was loved and cared for and for that Siobhan was grateful.

The press conference just ended and she wanted to calm herself before going down to the lab. With full access, Delphine saw everything Leekie did. Against Siobhan, against Sarah, Alison, Beth, Helena and Cosima, against her, against his human subjects and countless others and took immense pride in destroying his name in the scientific community.

It wasn't just trying to ruin Siobhan, or buying people to turn into lab rats. Since the beginning of his career Leekie had been taking credit for the work of others. She doubted she would find one true discovery that was his and his alone. On national television she released the names of the real scientists who deserved credit for things Leekie claimed to have done and told the world the truth about his human experiments and what he did to Siobhan Sadler and her five daughters. As soon as she got up here she immediately ran to the trash and threw up. The fact that she used to have sex with a person capable of such things made her want to turn herself inside out and scrub every centimeter of herself until she bled. Then maybe she would finally feel clean.

Carolyn and Siobhan were with Cosima now and Delphine wanted to give them time to get to know each other. Though, if calming herself was what she was aiming to do, coming up here wasn't the best idea so she walked back out and went down to the lab.

“Anything new Scott?” She asked, taking off her blazer and replacing it with her lab coat. She felt more more like herself in it. Whoever in PR picked her outfit had great taste. The suit looked amazing on her, but it just wasn't...her.

“Yeah, actually!” Scott said happily, excited to finally have some good news for his boss. “I've isolated a couple stem cells from the marrow sample.”

“Really? Already?” Delphine exclaimed, looking down at the microscope when Scott moved away to show her. “That is amazing.” Wanting Cosima to get all the marrow she could, they only kept a small sample.

Scott nodded in agreement, pretending he didn't see the tear running down Delphine's cheek. This was exactly what they needed. Hopefully these cells would cooperate and they could develop a usable cell line and after that, a cure. “I've also started to look into Leekie's research on induced pluripotent stem cells. It's solid. I...I have an idea...” He said nervously.

Delphine looked up from the microscope.

“It will require both of us pulling long hours,” he winced, knowing how hard it was for Delphine to be down here for even an hour before needing to check on Cosima. For this to work he would need Delphine to focus for hours at a time. “First we need to get these cells into cultures, but then they pretty much just need to be left to do their thing. Then, I was thinking we could make some of these iPSCs incase we can't get the cultures to produce what we need. We need a very specific replication rate to have any effect and I'm just not sure they'll be able to do it. Either way, if we move forward with the iPSCs we will have them if we need them and if the stem cells work and we don't, maybe we can use them anyway. Double team the disease.

“I was also thinking that we should explore Beth's marrow too. See if maybe there's something in hers that could help Cosima too. It worked for her once and we have it just sitting there.”

Delphine could cry with her relief-was crying with her relief. Not knowing what else to do, she threw her arms around Scott. “You're a good man, Scott.”

* * *

_4 Days After Transplant_

“I could have saved her.” Siobhan shook her head. “All this time...”

Delphine lowered her plate and looked across the bed at Siobhan sympathetically. She couldn't begin to imagine the guilt she was carrying around. Beth and Alison forgave Siobhan, as Delphine was sure Cosima would if she was awake. Helena was getting there. After everything was explained she didn’t blame Siobhan for being taken from her, but she was having an issue with how she supposedly _slipped through the cracks_. Delphine had hope that eventually Sarah would forgive her mother as well, hopefully, but she didn't know if the Irish woman would ever forgive herself. She set the plate aside, making a mental note to thank Alison, again, as the housewife was pretty much supplying all her meals now. “Siobhan you didn't know.”

“I didn't know a lot of things, but I should have. I didn't even know we were the same blood type. If I'd have told them-”

“You still wouldn't have known this.”

“I should have tracked Jessa and Julien down years ago, taken MK up on her offer to find the girls.”

“Siobhan,” Delphine said sternly, waiting until Siobhan looked her in the eye. “Cosima has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. She will understand why you did what you did. She won’t blame you for any of it. You kept them safe all these years and eliminated the last threat to their freedom.”

Siobhan looked deep into Delphine's hazel eyes. She could understand what Delphine was saying, and she agreed to an extent, but how could she begin to ask for forgiveness from Cosima, and Sarah. She could have saved Cosima before she got this sick and she should have told Sarah the truth the second she found out for herself. “The rest of them, Sarah-”

“Sarah is stubborn. And hurt, and confused, and scared, but you have always been her family. When we find the cure for Cosima and she gets well, Sarah will come around.”

Siobhan nodded. Not agreeing with anything, but ready to be done with that topic. “Why is it taking so long?” She asked, sounding for the first time like the terrified mother she was. With Delphine she didn't feel the need to be strong or to convince the other woman that she could handle everything. It was a relief to be able to worry and have someone reassure her for a change.

“She is very sick.” Delphine told her. “We may have been too late.”

The conversation ended there. Delphine respected Siobhan too much to lie to her. She hated that this was another thing Siobhan would feel responsible for. As far as she was concerned this was all on Leekie. Yes, if they had known Siobhan was Cosima's mother maybe they would have figured this out faster, but without Leekie in the way, they would have found another cure long before Cosima got this sick. What she could finish of her lunch was finished in silence and then with a kiss and a promise to her fiancée that she would be back as soon as she finished for the night, Delphine went back to work.

* * *

_5 Days After Transplant_

For the first time since they started trying to cure this disease, things were actually going well in the lab. Part of her hadn't wanted to believe Leekie was blocking them and destroying their leads, but without him everyday was a huge step forward. Out of seven stem cells they harvested two were showing replication rates that were in Scott's words, _“Off the charts.”_ All they needed was one strong line and they could manufacture a cure. To have two showing so much promise was a dream come true. They were also making great headway with the iPSCs. This disease would have been the case of a lifetime with everything they were learning and doing, if it wasn't also killing the love of her life. If they managed to cure Cosima, this would enable them to write their own tickets anywhere they wanted to go. Everyone would know who they were.

“How's Cosima doing?”

“She is...stable,” Delphine said with a smile. “She is having a procedure later today to remove some of the masses in her trachea. Her blood pressure is up, her oxygenation is better, her lips are no longer blue. I have spoken with her primary doctor and we believe that since she is better, she is strong enough. It's not a surgery. Hopefully it won't take too long. We want to be able to take the trach out as soon as possible. I think she would be able to breathe on her own if her trachea wasn't blocked, so..” she smiled, trying with everything she had in her to believe this was the right thing to do. It was, it was just that it was also risky. “We are going to remove the masses and see how she does on her own.”

“That's great! I went to see her once, but with the trach sticking out of her neck,” he shook his head. “I just...”

“It is okay Scott. Cosima would understand.”

“So the transplant from Siobhan is working?”

Delphine smiled. “Yes, it's working.”

Scott nodded, turning back to grab the printout on his desk. “I finished analyzing Beth's bone marrow,” he explained, walking the paper over to Delphine.

“And?”

“And I think Beth has some of Siobhan's stem cells.”

Delphine's mouth opened as she examined the report. “That is why the transplant worked so well the first time. Merde, Cosima. If she would have let me do another transplant from Beth...” she shook her head. So stubborn all six of them!

“It would explain that, yes.”

“But they tested Alison, Sarah and Helena too and none of them were as good of a match. Why Beth?”

Scott shook his head. “Somehow she got some of the cells too? I don't know.”

Delphine looked at the report. The stem cells they found in Beth’s marrow were identical to the cells currently replicating in the incubator. “Maybe Beth was sick too,” she thought out loud.

It was like a lightbulb went off over their heads. “That would account for why Beth has these cells. I can't be sure the others don't without taking marrow from them for testing, but if Beth was determined to be the best match it was probably because she had the cells Cosima needed.

“The transplant from Beth back in San Francisco made Cosima so much better. I read the reports from her doctors in San Francisco. If Beth's marrow was able to do that, having a treatment made up entirely of these cells...” Delphine shook her head in amazement. “This is the cure we need.” Of course since she heard what Leekie said to Siobhan over the phone she had been hoping they could use Siobhan to develop a cure, but a part of her had tried to remain more realistic. But this, _This!_ , this was real. “How are the two cell lines doing?”

Scott smiled. “Still going strong.”

“Yeah?” Delphine's face lit up.

“Yeah,” Scott nodded. “They made it past the seventy-two hour window. According to Dr. Leekie's research, that means...” He trailed off, letting Delphine come to the conclusion herself.

“We have the cure!” Delphine said in amazement. Leekie’s research from when they had been trying to develop a cure almost thirty years ago showed a three day window of viability. Any cell lines that survived past that would keep going long enough to be developed into a viable cure.

Was it possible, after all this time, that they finally had what they were looking for? How many months, tests, medications? How many nights spent unable to sleep because she found more comfort in watching the rise and fall of her fiancée's chest? How many hours had Cosima cried out in pain? How many tears? Did she dare hope this was true? Could it really all be over? Could Cosima really be cured? Her mind was swimming. If this didn't work that was it. They had nothing left to try, but if what Scott was saying was true...

“Almost.” Scott added quickly, but encouragingly. “We have all the parts. We just need to wait a little longer on the cell lines then put everything together.”

* * *

_9 Days After Transplant_

Delphine disposed of the old bandage, giving the new dressing a final look before being completely satisfied and disposing of her gloves. With removing the masses occluding Cosima's windpipe, they were able to remove the trach and Cosima was breathing on her own. The hole in her neck would heal. It was a little rough. Delphine's only thought at the time had been to give Cosima a way to breathe, not how it looked or making sure the edges were smooth so it would close properly. They fixed it up a little when they put the trach in, but even if it had been done perfectly Delphine would have trouble looking at it.

Sometimes when Delphine looked down at her hands she could still see them stained red with Cosima's blood. It often took a few moments for the image to fade, but it wouldn't be something that would soon be forgotten. If she had already been in the shower and hadn't heard Sarah screaming for her...Sarah would have came and dragged her out, but what if she hadn't been there? No one would have known to do that. Cosima would have suffocated on that tiled floor. It was one of the reasons she couldn't bare to be away from Cosima for very long even now. She was in the DYAD hospital, which was attached to the research building that housed their lab. Delphine could get from the lab to Cosima's room in five minutes if she really booked it. Some of the best doctors, nurses and medical staff in the world were overlooking Cosima’s care, but even that was of little comfort. Delphine couldn't explain it, but she just had to be there. But she also had to be in the lab. Every second in the lab was time away from Cosima and time something could happen to her without Delphine being there. And every second spent with Cosima was time spent not working on the cure. It was the world's worst Catch-22.

“It'll be another few days,” Delphine explained with a yawn. “Ideally another week,” another yawn, this time prompting her to kick off her shoes and crawl onto the bed beside Cosima, an arm instinctively wrapping around the frail woman's waist. She had already changed into an oversized sweater and leggings anticipating this exact thing happening. Being the director, even interim, had its perks. Visitors weren't allowed overnight, but for the director they offered to bring in another bed. She declined. She was much more comfortable in bed beside Cosima where she could feel her. Where, in the sleepy early morning hours when her brain was still foggy, it felt like they were at home in their bed and Cosima was only just sleeping beside her.

It was almost midnight. She should go home and sleep in her own bed, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without Cosima beside her, and with worrying about her alone in the hospital. Still, she should go home and at least attempt to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep in a comfortable bed that didn't leave her aching like an old woman when she woke. Have a proper shower-not the quick wash she had condensed into five minutes in the hardly adequate shower in Cosima's room, have a proper hot meal, and finally allow herself to break down, cry, scream, yell and break things, if it helped. All of that hardly seemed to matter when any moment with Cosima could be her last.

“Before the cell lines are ready and we can make a cure,” she finished with a soft kiss. “But this will work mon amour,” she snuggled down and closed her eyes. “I promise. You just need to promise me you will hold on.”

Had Delphine not immediately fallen into a deep sleep, over a week of living off of broken sleep, too many hours staring down a microscope or at a computer screen, and bad coffee taking its toll, she would have felt the hand that squeezed hers and the soft, “Promise” that followed.

Delphine was pulled from slumber by a gentle hand running through her hair. It felt nice. It had been too long since someone ran their fingers through her curls. Not since- Her eyes shot open and she looked up to see hazel eyes and a small smile looking down at her. Cosima’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before she was able to weakly squeak out a “Hi.”

Tears immediately sprang to Delphine's eyes, but she was more concerned with moving her hand to Cosima's cheek to feel that she was warm and real and not a product of her imagination. “Hi,” she echoed back with a smile of her own.

Cosima smiled brighter and leaned down for a kiss. It was short and sweet, but held more meaning than either of them could express. As soon as their lips parted Delphine brought her in for another, and a few more after that. Strictly PG kind of kissing not lasting very long, but when you thought you would never experience something again, when it was suddenly right in front of you it was hard to stop. “Don't speak,” Delphine said softly. “You had a trach in for a...a couple of days.”

Cosima swallowed thickly, looking with wide eyes around the room. “Why...” she rasped, taking some deep breaths and bringing a hand to the bandage on her neck. “am . . . . I . . .” she forced out with great effort as she took deep breaths. “here?”

Delphine's face fell. “I ripped up the DNR.”

“That's...not...”

“Shhhh, Cosima please don't try to speak.”

“What....I....wanted.” The effort from speaking just those few words was clearly written on Cosima's face. It was also raising her heart rate, Delphine noted. “Can't . . . keep . . . . doing this. So.....tired.”

“I know mon amour, I know.” Delphine soothed, stroking Cosima's face silently begging her to save her strength. She kissed Cosima softly. “You will never have to be tired again. We have the cure.”


	47. So Much More

Delphine wasn't taking any chances with the cure. As soon as the cell lines passed the seventy-two hour window she put her lab under twenty-four hour a day security. As in there were three very large security guards outside the lab at all times only allowing Scott and Delphine access. No other members of their team were allowed in the lab, not Siobhan or any of Cosima's sisters, not the janitor. No one but Delphine and Scott. At this point Delphine wasn't sure if she would let Cosima in if she had been well enough.

Cosima was still very weak. The bone marrow transplant from Siobhan was helping immensely, but there weren't enough of the stem cells naturally in the marrow to do too much. She was breathing on her own, albeit with very raspy breaths and high-flow oxygen, her blood pressure was just alright, her temperature was slightly elevated, her oxygenation level was hovering just below the borderline, but she was alive. A few more days and the cure would be ready and she would get better. For now she slept, mostly. There were periods of about half an hour to forty-five minutes that she was awake every couple of hours during the day. At night she was awake longer. She could stay awake two hours at a time, but then she did sleep a good six to ten hours after.

It was selfish. Delphine could have easily overruled the rules, but she said nothing when the nurse came around and kicked everyone but her out when visiting hours ended. She needed this time with Cosima to herself. To make up for it she stayed mostly away during the day when Cosima was awake, letting her mother, Siobhan and her sisters have their time with her. At least Cosima didn't say anything either and that showed Delphine that the brunette needed this time alone with her as much as she did.

They were laying in bed together, Delphine holding Cosima and stroking her hair with one hand while Cosima played with her fingers on the other, twisting her engagement ring around her finger and entwining their fingers and pressing their palms close. Cosima's ring had been taken off not long after she was admitted, hung on a chain Delphine wore around her neck, and one of the first things Cosima did after she woke was to ask for it back.

“How are you doing?”

“Loaded question, isn't it?” Cosima said with minimal effort, but still raspily. It would take a while before her voice returned to normal. The hole from the trach would have to close and the masses lose a good portion of their size, but she no longer struggled to speak. Her words were still slow and gravely, but no longer difficult.

“About Siobhan,” Delphine clarified.

“I dunno,” Cosima let out a long breath, adjusting the cannula under her nose with her free hand before using it to sandwich Delphine's hand between her other. “I don't...hold any of it against her. I can't begin to imagine what she went through. Or what she's going through.”

“She seems to be dealing well.”

“She killed three people, found out her deceased husband is the father of her _five_ children, found out why she was kidnapped and we were taken from her, learned why I got this sick, why Sarah had such a horrible childhood and Helena such a horrible life.” Cosima scoffed.  “All because some creepy old guy wanted to get back at her for doing the right thing? Sarah is still refusing to talk to her. She's not doing well. Maybe she figures it's her penance or she doesn't want to burden us-”

“Hmmm, like mother like daughters. You and your sisters all seem to keep things to yourself until you...”

“Explode?” Cosima offered with a chuckle. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

“It's not healthy.”

“Okay Dr. Phill, one thing at a time please.” They shared a laugh and a quick kiss then Cosima turned over slowly so she was pressed up against Delphine's side, her arm slung naturally over the blonde's hips. “She'll be okay eventually. We all will.”

Delphine smiled, tightening her arms around Cosima and placing a kiss on the top of her head. “Yes you will.”

“Still can't believe they promoted you to director.”

“Yes, well,” Delphine shrugged. “I am not sure I want it. I only accepted the interim position so I could have access to everything Leekie had to be able to develop your cure and right his wrongs. After that I don't know.”

“Isn't it what you wanted though? I know you had your eye on the big chair.”

Delphine handed Cosima a tissue as she coughed and waited until she quieted to answer. “I truly don't know anymore. While I know the things Leekie did are not a reflection on DYAD, I can't help but think that he would not have been able to get away with it if they didn't want him to.”

“Did you find anything giving any indication DYAD knew?”

“No,” Delphine shook her head. “Doesn't mean they didn't, though.”

“True,” Cosima agreed with a yawn. “But if you're on top, you can always make sure nothing like that can ever happen again.”

Delphine smiled as Cosima adjusted herself so her head was more on Delphine's chest, her arm coming to rest higher on Delphine's abdomen as she did. Very typical Cosima 'I'm ready for sleep' moves. “At least for right now, yes.” At one point this position had been her dream - being at the top of a corporation known for groundbreaking research, life-saving treatments, vaccines and cures, and innovative technologies. She wanted to do something good, help people and save lives. She wanted to have an impressive body of work behind her name and for people to know who she was, but now...now she had been through her life being turned completely upside down and wasn't sure what was really important to her anymore other than Cosima. For right now they were still working on the cure. Once that was done and Cosima was healthy again she would have time to sit and reevaluate what she really wanted to do with her life.

“And you know what else?”  
  
“Hmm?” Delphine mumbled sleepily, feeling content for the first time in weeks with Cosima breathing steady in her arms.

“I always did like you on top.”

Delphine's heart could burst right now. Just a few days ago she was sure she would never see the green in Cosima's eyes again, hear the timbre of her voice or feel her touch and here Cosima was cuddled snug in her arms cracking jokes. “Cheeky.”

* * *

“Hey, you're awake.”

Cosima's face lit up at the sight of her sister. “Hey Sar.” Sarah had been by once when she first woke-up, but that was it. In the few days since she hadn't seen or heard from her sister. She was having a really hard time with Siobhan being their biological mother. Cosima could see why, absolutely, but with life being so fleeting, moving on seemed a much better use of energy than wallowing in the past. “Wanna talk about it?”

Sarah shrugged as she made her way across the room to perch herself by the window, looking out. “It's good to see you're-”

“Seriously, how did we not see it?” Cosima interrupted. If Sarah wouldn't talk about it, she would. Sarah liked to avoid her emotions at all costs, so something troubling like this would be something she put a great deal of energy into avoiding thinking about completely. Cosima wasn't going to let her get away with it. It wasn't something that could be avoided. At some point she would have to go home. She had a daughter to take care of. They didn't tolerate her running off and disappearing anymore. Kira deserved better and Sarah knew it. The sooner Sarah sat and dealt with her emotions, the sooner she could accept them. “We're all so much like her. We're stubborn and short tempered and fiercely protective. Now that I think of it, we kinda look like her.”

“We look a lot like her.” Sarah scoffed. “Though she says we have her husband's eyes.”

Cosima shook her head. “And Delphine's neighbor...” She couldn't even begin to really wrap her head around all of this.

“Dear ol' Granny.” Sarah chuckled. “Who rescued all of us, spent decades bouncing around the bloody planet then moved in next to your bloody girlfriend. Think she knew you would fall for her and moved in to keep an eye on you?”

Cosima shook her head. “You can't write this shit."

They shared a gentle laugh for a moment in which Cosima pretended she didn't see the tears in Sarah's eyes she not so stealthily wiped away. “But you're going to get well, Cos?”

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded. “Yeah, fingers crossed.”

“I just...” Sarah began, shaking her head as she crossed to the bed and sat down by Cosima's feet, playing with a frayed thread on the blanket. “I don't know if I can forgive her. If she told us, you could have been cured-”

“No. Sarah don't do this. Even if we knew she was our mother, how were we supposed to know she held the cure?”

Sarah shrugged. “Can all Mums heal their babies like that?”

“It's not magic. It's just stem cells.” Cosima shook her head. “Even if she told us, Sarah, or if this had been a perfect world and we were never taken away or separated, we wouldn't have known. If Leekie didn't tell S, we never would have known.” She placed her hands over her sister's and waited until Sarah looked up to continue. “If you want to blame someone, blame him. He is responsible for all of this. I don't blame S. Or resent her. For any of it. This was done to her as much as it was to us. Imagine being in her shoes. The way I look at it, I thought I was going to die. On some level I'd accepted that as fact. Siobhan is the only reason I am alive.”

Sarah took a deep breath, looking down at the thread she was fiddling with. It's not that she couldn't see it from Cosima's point of view, or Siobhan's really, she was just so angry.

Cosima tried a different tactic. “We've spent our whole lives wanting to know who we are and now we do.”

Sarah sighed in defeat. Her sister made some good points. She'd always hated that about her. Whenever she just wanted to wallow and be miserable Cosima knew how to make her see things differently. Some might even say rationally, but Sarah didn't like that word. Too tame for someone so wild. “I'm still angry.”

“You're always angry,” Cosima chuckled, laying back down as her work here was clearly done. Her attention was momentarily pulled to the door and a few short seconds later she smiled when she saw her fiancée's face through the window. Somehow she always knew when Delphine was around. “Maybe it's time to let that anger go, Sarah.”

* * *

Being the fiancée of the director had its perks. The room was huge to start. It was probably a double at one point. It had an amazing view and her sisters assured her the food was delicious. She was still being fed IV nutrition. Her appetite hadn't returned and her neck was still extremely tender from the tracheostomy, which was healing well, and she still had masses from her soft palate down so she was in no rush to try eating just yet. Didn't stop her sisters from ordering food under her name though. “Bunch of freeloaders.”

Alison let out an annoyed sigh, putting the container of homemade meatballs she brought away, along with the plates and utensils. “Is Delphine coming soon, Cosima? _She_ appreciates a home cooked meal.”

“Hey we appreciate it too, yeah?” Sarah protested.

“It's just...” Beth began, but then looked around. For the first time noticing they were down a person. “Where is Delphine?”

“Delphine is in the lab.” Cosima said as calmly as she could. Delphine and Scott were making the final adjustments and running the final tests on the cure. _Cure._ It probably wouldn't be until she got better that she would be able to believe it. It felt like she had been sick for years. So much in her life had changed since that first diagnosis. There was Shay, her PhD, she was living in San Francisco. Now there was Delphine, DYAD and Toronto with all of her sisters, Felix and Siobhan. It was so different from anything Cosima ever envisioned for her life. And so much more.

“How is that going?” Helena asked, swiping the jell-o off the tray and digging into it. Literally. “With her not being … what is it you say sestra? _Up her ass_?”

“Oi! Helena!” Sarah exclaimed. “I do not say that,” she turned to Cosima. “I do not say that.”

“She does.” Felix said. “And it's true.”

“She is not up my ass!” Cosima protested.

Even Alison had to snort at that, causing a domino effect of the rest of them turning to look at her. “I'm sorry Cosima, but you two are practically one person lately.”

“Well, that's, it's...” Cosima fumbled. “Okay, so we have been spending a lot of time together. She's my fiancée!”

“When's the last time she went home and showered?” Beth asked.

“No need.” Helena shrugged. “There is a shower here.”

“Thank-you 'Lena.” Cosima shook her head. “I was in a coma I was never expected to come out of. She's just-”

“You don't have to explain to us, Love,” Mrs. S began. “If any of us were in her position we would do the same thing. Having a second chance...” She pursed her lips, meeting each of the pairs of eyes looking at her. “...It's a gift. You have to make the most of it.”

Cosima smiled and grabbed the older woman's hand, giving it a supportive squeeze before turning back to her sisters. Her eyes were getting heavy and the pain was starting to come back. It would be time for her next dose of pain medication in a few minutes and then she would take a nice little trip to dreamland. “It's not like she spends _all_ of her time here. Most of the day she spends in the lab with Scott. Without them, and you Siobhan, I would be dead right now. I don't think I'll ever be able to-”

“Oh hush chicken.” S said, her eyes glazing over as she swallowed thickly. “If I'd known I could help you I would have told you all sooner. I swear I would.”

Exhaustion quickly overcoming her, Cosima laid back against the pillow and turned her head to cough before giving Siobhan's hand another squeeze. “I know you would have. You did what you felt you had to to keep the people you loved safe. I understand, S.”

Cosima looked around the room to see Beth, Helena, Alison nodding in agreement. Sarah met her eye and, after a few moments, the wild one nodded too. “Well, bring out the doves.” Felix joked from his perch in the corner by the window. “May there be peace in the kingdom before you hit the big 3-0?”

Cosima smiled fondly as Sarah shoved her brother and S tried telling them off for acting like children, but with a big grin on her face and tears in her eyes. For better or worse they were a family – her family, and she would need them more than ever before. “I love you guys.”

_“This cure, it...things will get worse before they get better.”_

_Cosima used what little strength she had to hold her head up. “Worse than this?”_

_Delphine gently held Cosima's hand in her own and kissed her palm. “We will give you everything we can to help you; medications...” she sighed. There was only so much medicine could do. For this cure to work Cosima had to get worse before she got better. Much worse. The stem cell lines they had from Siobhan were strong so hopefully Cosima wouldn't be worse for too long, but they did have to go into a good portion of Cosima's cells and change the genetic make-up. They had to go in and completely change her genome to re-write the gene responsible for these devastating masses. Her body would have to get used to that and it wouldn't be easy. It was used to running a certain way with certain codes and genes and for stem cells to suddenly be introduced and force it to run with things different from what it knows...it would be an adjustment._

_“I will be here the entire time I promise you. So will your sisters, Siobhan, Felix, your mother.”_

_Cosima smiled, letting herself sink deeper into her love's embrace before she had to ask. “The truth Delphine, am I strong enough to survive this?”_

_Delphine let the back of her hand trail down Cosima's cheek before she looked her straight in the eye, a single tear sliding down her face. “I don't know.”_

* * *

“Are you ready?”

Cosima looked over at her fiancée, cocked her head to the side and smiled. This was it. She had spent hours pouring over all the research herself and she had to admit it looked promising. More than promising, actually. It looked like her cure. Leekie was a slime ball who deserved what he got, but his research on this...he was a truly brilliant mind. Too bad it came along with being an absolute psycho.

It was hard to believe after all this time that she would get better. That after every single thing she, and all of them, went through that this was the end. She beckoned her fiancée over with a crooked finger and as their lips met and her hands found their way into blonde curls she loved so much she realized that it wasn't the end. So far from it. It was the beginning.

As much as this could cure her, it could kill her just as easily. Even with the transplant from Siobhan, she was still so weak. Her body was using every ounce of energy and strength it had to keep her going that this could very easily tip the scales. Her body might not be able to handle another thing, even a cure.

But there was no alternative. It was a certain death or the cure with a good chance of death. It was a gamble she had no choice but to make.

She nodded, watching as Delphine hung the bag with her cure in it and attached it to her IV. “Let's do this.”


	48. Not There Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope my fellow Americans had a good Thanksgiving and didn't get trampled if you were brave enough to go out shopping today!   
> The final chapter, can you believe it? There's still a final, final chapter, but that's the epilogue so this is technically the end! Hard to believe guys. It's been a trip, man. You guys have all been so amazing! I've loved reading your thoughts and reactions and dodging the things being thrown my way, at times. I cannot thank belowthesky and Aïnhoa 64 enough for their help! You two have been so much help this entire trip! This story wouldn't have been what it was without you!

****_Everything hurts. It’s so dark. Why can't I move my arms? Hello? My legs! Why can't I move anything?? Whose voice is that? Delphine?_

“Non, non, I don't know, she's...”

_I can hear you. Delphine, I'm here what's going on? Ow what is that? OW! I can't breathe I can't breathe! Shit, what is that? Why can't I open my eyes?_

“Cosima can you hear me?”

_Yes! Yes I can hear you! Delphine what's going on?? Where are you? Why can't I see?_

“No reaction.”

_Who's that? No reaction to what? Jesus Christ this hurts!_

“Give her more time.”

_More time to what? Why does it feel like my heart is going to burst? I can't catch my breath! Why can't I breathe?_

“Her DNR specifically stated-”

_Screw the DNR! I don't want to die. Delphine don't let them pull the plug!_

“Her DNR is gone!”

_You tell 'em baby!_

“Cosima and I talked before we started the treatment. She wants to give this treatment every chance to work. This is...not what we wanted to happen, but we knew it was a possibility-”

“A possibility? With all due respect Dr. Cormier, your fiancée is on a ventilator,”

_Aw crap. Who the hell is this guy?_

“and dialysis,”

_Shit._

“-and medication to keep her heart beating.”

_Fricken seriously? Ugh!_

“I am her healthcare proxy.” Delphine pushed. “And the Director. I will make this decision if and when I feel it necessary, but we are not. There. Yet. Do you understand me?”

“Dr-”

“No! No more. This is the course of action we are taking right now, is that understood?”

_If I didn't feel like such shit right now this boss ass bitch attitude would be an insane turn-on._

“Cosima?”

_Yeah? Oh, shit, right, you can't hear me. I'm here Delphine I swear I am! Don't give up on me. Please._

“I know you are in there and I will fight for you until you can fight for yourself, but there has been no reaction from you for six days. You cannot breathe on your own, your kidneys are shutting down, your heart...”

_No no no please don't cry! I'm here I swear I am. I'm fighting!_

“We agreed when there was no hope that I would make this decision, and I am trying to have hope, but I'm not sure how much more I have. I want to respect your wish not to be kept alive by machines, but I...Your sisters said to give you a week...”

 _Please stop crying. My heart already feels like it's going to break._  
_I'm here.  
_ _I love you._

“I know you, Cosima. I know you are fighting, but it is not enough. You need to try harder. I need you to come back to me. I will use all of my leverage as director and get them kicked out of here if I have to, if they insist on taking you off life support, but I really hope that I don't have to. We gave you the cure! How long did we search for it? And we found it! So it cannot be too late.”

_Shit, I have to try something. I have to make her see I'm still here. I can feel her on my hand. It's warm and . . . wet? Breath. She's holding my hand against her lips. If I can just move a finger. FUCK! That hurt. What the hell was that? Focus Cosima, focus. Just move your finger. Just one the tiniest bit. Show her you're still here. Try. God I'm so tired. Everything is so heavy. No! I have to show her I'm here. Have . . . to . . ._

“COSIMA?!”

_Delphine...._

“CLEAR!”

_FUCK what is that?_

“..push....give her.....I don't care!....Charge again!”

_I can't....what...._

“Cosima? You remember when you kicked me out of our house? I was so...mad at you, but I couldn't tell you. You were dealing with Beth and you were sick then everything happened so fast, but I was so angry! You need to get better so I can tell you in person and make you sleep on the couch like a normal couple in a fight....what was that? Did you see that? Her finger, look....there it happened again! Cosima, do that again! Yes!! I knew that would get a reaction out of you. That's right, Cosima! Fight!”

* * *

 _“Hey, so, totally morbid, right?”_ Cosima spoke with her trade mark cheeky grin on the screen. _“If you're watching this it means I'm either dead or, like, almost nearly there. Total bummer, but hey it's been a good run.”_ Cosima looked down and took a deep breath, the smile and light completely gone from her face when she looked back up. “ _Delphine, I am so s-”_

Delphine closed out the video on her phone and wiped the tears from her face. They weren't there yet. Cosima recorded all these video messages, one for each of them, sent them to Scott and told him to send them to their various recipients if she slipped back into a coma and things weren't looking _“so hot.”_ Delphine had to shock her own fiancée back to life yesterday, so things not looking so hot was an understatement. They had her on medication to keep her heart going, but that too was failing. To make matters worse today was the seventh day and Cosima's sisters, her mother, Siobhan and Felix were coming later to discuss things. For some reason they made up a week limit. Said they wanted to respect Cosima's wishes in her DNR. Well in the DNR, that no longer existed, she gave Delphine the power to make that choice.

Delphine could see where they were coming from. She wished she couldn't, but she could. Thankfully Sarah, of all people, was on her side. No one would force anything as long as she opposed it. Not that they could, realistically, _force_ anything. Cosima gave Delphine the final say and, as director, she would have ignored them even if Cosima hadn't.

She and Scott tried to explain that while critical, this was all _normal._ The cure was trying to wipe out all the diseased genes and codings in her DNA. It's a lot of work for the body to learn to function with a different blueprint. It's like trying to run Windows on an Apple computer. It doesn't work, but there are similar programs you can use. Those similar programs aren't the same, but on a basic level they are very similar. They have the same basic functions and capabilities they just run differently and take a while for the user to learn. Cosima's body was learning how to run on a different program now. Learning to replicate her DNA with the fixed genes and repair the damaged, illness-causing genes and cells still coursing through her veins. It was a lot on an already exhausted system.

“She just needs more time.”

Delphine looked up at Sarah and offered her a small smile. “I don't know how to tell the difference anymore. Am I keeping her alive because I think she will get better? Or because I just want her to?”

“Cos always was so goddamn stubborn! She waited so long for this cure. You all pushed like nothing I've ever seen before for a one in a trillion chance. And you found it. There's no way she would give-up now.”

Delphine nodded, but deep down she didn't know. How the tides have changed with Sarah trying to reassure her when her entire relationship with Cosima she had been trying to reassure Sarah that all she wanted to do was make her sister happy. Sarah never trusted her. Not once. Now it was them against the world.

_Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . ._

Delphine hated that God awful sound. A series of beeps, artificial breaths, blood rushing in and out and, if she listened carefully enough, she could just make out the slow drip of the IV. There was a knock on the door and Delphine and Sarah both turned toward the dreaded sound.

“Christ they're here.” The rest of Cosima's family was there to have the meeting about taking Cosima off life support. “Don't suppose we can just lock the door?”

Delphine shook her head and opened the door, letting Siobhan, Carolyn, Alison, Beth, Helena and Felix into the room.

“Look, we can save you all the trouble-” Sarah started.

“We want to honor her wishes,” Carolyn began. “Cosima has been through more hell than anyone else I know . . . but she's come back each time.”

“This cure might have been too late,” Siobhan rationalized with a smirk. “But Cosima doesn't know anything other than _late._ It's who she is.”

Delphine nodded. “Everytime something has happened she has been later than we would have liked in her reactions. In regaining consciousness or in responding to a treatment.”

“They have a point,” Beth rationalized. “I don't want to let her suffer anymore than anyone else here, but Cosima doesn't know how to be anything other than late.”

“What is late when you are Cosima?” Helena said with a straight face, causing chuckles around the room.

“Ultimately,” Alison began once the humor died down. “It's not our decision. Cosima trusted you with this, Delphine.”

“You knows the science, Darling,” Felix said to Delphine. “That's why Cosima left this in your hands. Not because she loves you, but because she knows you will know when the time is right.”

“The time isn't right, is it Doctor Sestra?” Helena asked.

Delphine looked around the room. She could cry in relief. “No it's not.”

“What's changed?” Sarah asked. “You lot said seven days and today is the seventh day. Now you've changed your minds?”

All eyes turned to Siobhan. “Kira said something. Along the same lines of _'Auntie Cosima needs more time.'_ You know how she is.”

“Then we talked,” Alison began. “And Delphine is right. Cosima hasn't responded the way that's been predicted. We can't expect her to start now. We don't _want_ to take her off life support. We just-”

“We don't want her to suffer,” Beth interrupted.

“And we want to honor her wishes.” Alison finished.

“I know,” Delphine said. “I agree, but we're not there yet. Trust me, I do not want her to suffer and I want to honor Cosima's wishes just as much, but she's not there yet,” she smiled. “She moved her finger earlier.”

“Seriously?” Sarah asked.

“Yes.” Delphine nodded. “Cosima is still with us. She is doing everything she can, but this disease has done so much damage. I hate to sound like a...a _broken record_ , but she just needs time.”

“Then time she will have.” Siobhan said.

* * *

" _Mommy! Mommy!”_

_Cosima turned toward the voice and lowered herself to the child's level, opening her arms wide as a mass of dirt and curls launched themselves into her arms. She'd seen this little girl in her dreams so many times before.“Whoa kiddo! What have you been doing?”_

_“I was playing, Mommy.”_

_“In the dirt?”_

_“Oui!” The little girl laughed, giggling with delight as Cosima tickled her belly. “But shhh don't tell Maman,” she whispered._

_“Why not?” Cosima whispered back._

_“Because she has enough to worry about.”_

_Cosima furrowed her brow. “What's she worrying about sweetie?”_

_“About you, of course.”_

_Cosima's face fell. She never had a dream go like this before. “What about me?”_

_The smile fell from the girl's face and for a moment her face looked identical to the last time Cosima saw Delphine's face. She reached out and caressed the side of Cosima's face in a way Delphine had so many times before. “You need to go back to her, Mommy.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You need to go back to her, Mommy.”_

_Cosima looked deep into the little girl's eyes. “How?”_

_“You know.” The girl smiled. She looked so much like Delphine. “Go back to her Mommy. Now!”_

* * *

Delphine was pacing. Again. At least in the lab she had something to do. Things to do with her hands, numbers to occupy her mind, results to push for, but now just sitting by Cosima's bedside and waiting for something-anything, was driving her insane. She was even starting to doubt that Cosima moved her finger the other day. It wasn't as bad during the day. Someone was always around and provided enough of a distraction, but at three AM it was just her and Cosima. One of these days she would take the nurse up on her offer to get something to help her sleep, but she didn't want to miss anything. Any moment could be Cosima's last.

Her new position as interim director came with more than it's fair share of paperwork which, with her sleeping habits as of late, didn't stand a chance. Done in a single night, including the incredible backlog Leekie left. Seemed he thought he was above paperwork the same as he thought he was above everything else. Shocking.

With nothing else do Delphine looked over to the machine beside Cosima and busied herself with checking the numbers and making sure all of the wires, tubes and and lines were plugged in and working correctly. “You know, when this cure starts working and you get better, you're going to have to come work here.” No kinks or twists had occurred in the past ten minutes, nothing came unplugged, there were no blockages. Everything was the same. Delphine's brow furrowed when she checked Cosima's heart rate. Almost everything was the same, but her heart rate was a bit higher than it had been. After a few moments it went back to normal.

“Are you feeling okay Cosima?” She asked, turning back to look at her fianceé. When she turned back, her heart rate was up again, remained that way for a few seconds then went down. “Cosima?” Same thing. “Can...can you hear me? Are you trying to show me?” Again her heart rate went up.

Delphine chewed her lip as she watched the numbers fall again and stood there for a minute, seeing what would happen. Nothing. No change. After another minute, she stepped closer to the bed and softly caressed the side of Cosima's face, her thumb running back and forth over her cheekbone. Her heart rate skyrocketed and after a few seconds her eyes opened.

“Cosima!” Tears immediately fell from Delphine's eyes. “Mon amour...you...I...can you hear me?”

Cosima's eyes went wide, but she nodded as best she could. Delphine smiled. “Eight days. That is a new level of late even for you.”

Cosima settled under her fiancée's touch, but only for a moment. Then she looked away and everything hit her at once. “Nurse! Nurse we need some help in here!”

After that everything went by so fast. Cosima was extubated and rushed away for tests leaving Delphine to pace once again only this time it was worse. She was pretty much alone when Cosima was still in a coma, but now without her physically here...it was just worse. She debated calling Beth or Siobhan, or Carolyn even, but to say what? All she knew was that Cosima was conscious. It would be better to wait until all the testing was done, which she had actually voluntarily chose to skip knowing her heart couldn't take any disappointment, and Cosima had been awake for a few hours so that they would have a better idea of where she was at. If there was good news to share she wanted to make sure it stayed good news.

“Dr. Cormier?”

Delphine whipped around at the noise and helped guide Cosima's bed back to it's previous spot in the room. Cosima's eyes were open. That was a good sign.

“The doctor will be here soon to go over the results.”

Delphine dismissed the woman, knowing full well she could log into the system and see the results herself now, but no result would take the place of having Cosima here and awake with her. That would tell her everything she needed to know. “Hey.”

Cosima smiled at Delphine, putting all her energy into raising her hand and cupping Delphine's cheek. She tried to wipe her tears with her thumb, but that was more work than she had the energy for. “I came back for you.”

* * *

Delphine bit down on her lower lip as she looked over at the other woman as Cosima read through the pages in front of her. Scott had dropped them off ten minutes ago and she still hadn't gotten through all of them. It had been nearly a month since Cosima came out of her coma. Twenty-four days to be exact and with every day she grew stronger. Her symptoms were receding, her energy levels and appetite rising, she was sleeping more like a nearly thirty-year-old woman rather than an infant, she was joking and laughing, and kissing like it was her job. But that didn't mean her numbers were doing what they need them to do, or that her internal images were what they were hoping for.

As a doctor, Delphine knew that even if the treatment had been successful it would take Cosima's body months to heal from all the damage that had been done. She'd had a trach inserted through her neck into her windpipe, slipped into a coma twice, there had been masses from her nasal passages down to her diaphragm, a painful lung surgery, a bone marrow transplant, and a shot in the dark cure. Cosima was definitely better, there was no question about that, but Delphine found herself a constant ball of anxiety just waiting for Cosima to fall again.

A world in which Cosima no longer existed was not an option. Delphine wasn't sure how she would go about it, but she wouldn't let that happen. If that meant she had to lock Cosima a few floors up in one of the ultra-restricted rooms you need, like, seven different clearances for as well as the blood of a unicorn, three pieces of gold from the pot at the end of the rainbow and water from the fountain of youth, she would do it. Her fiancée would hate her, but she would be alive. Cosima living had always been her goal. It was just the how of that she was willing to ruffle some feathers for.

“Well?” She finally asked, no longer being able to stand it.

Cosima took a breath, set the papers down and rubbed her hands over her face. Delphine's heart fell. “Well,” she began slowly, stretching her arms way above her head. Her shirt rode up, exposing the pale skin of her lower abdomen forcing Delphine to take a deep, cleansing breath. Much to her fiancée's great dismay, Delphine had refused every advance for anything further than a steamy make-out session. She wanted to, of course, but not until they got these results. If they were what they wanted them to be, Cosima would be released and they were staying in bed for the next three weeks.

“It's a good thing I don't technically have a job anymore because I am going to have to put every ounce of energy I have into planning the world's best wedding, ever!”

Delphine's eyes widened momentarily as the words hit her. _Wedding._ She crossed the room and sat down beside Cosima. “It worked?!”

Cosima looked up at the blonde with tears in her eyes. “Yeah,” she nodded. “Yeah it worked.”

“You're going to be okay!” A hand on either side of the brunette's face, Delphine brought her in for a slow and passionate kiss, neither caring when the kiss turned salty from the tears streaming down both of their faces.

“All thanks to you.”

“Cosima-”

“No no no, let me say this,” she took Delphine's hands in her own and met her gaze with a bright smile. “I would not still be here right now if it weren't for you. I had given up. I accepted that I was going to die, but then I met you. And you...turned my entire world upside down. So, naturally, I was an ass and I fought you hard. I didn't want to let you go, but the idea of doing any kind of treatment just to die anyway just felt like false hope and I didn't think that my heart could take it; to think that I would get more time with you just for it to be snatched away, but you didn't take no for an answer. And you did it-”

“ _We_ did it,” Delphine corrected with a kiss.

“ _We_ did it,” Cosima smiled. “It wasn't an easy road and I'm not out of the woods yet. My numbers are great. They keep going down and my scans are looking exactly how we want them to look, but that could stop anytime. I have months of healing ahead of me, but I know that whatever I have to do, whatever will happen, I will get through because I have you in my corner. I know you'll be there for everything. The good and the bad, in sickness and in health.”

Delphine laughed as she messily wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Oui I will.”

“Though I seriously hope this is the end of the _'in sickness'_ part.”

“Mmm yes please.”

Looking down, Cosima ran her thumb over the ring on Delphine's finger before looking back up at her fiancée. “I love you so much.”

“Je t'aime.”

After a kiss, Cosima shook her head. After all this time it didn't really seem possible that she would be getting her happy ending. As a way to survive, she'd had to abandon thinking too far ahead. If she thought too far into her future and saw all these things she wanted to experience, it would have hurt more when she was forced to forget about them. Then after her surgery with Duncan's treatment she had a taste of health and she thought about all these things she wanted to do again. She allowed herself to think about a future with the love of her life because she believed it would actually be attainable. Then she almost died. Everyone gave up on her. Her mother, Siobhan, her sisters, Felix, even Kira wasn't terribly optimistic, but Delphine stood by her. If they could survive this, they could survive anything.

“I have wanted to make you mine, like _really_ mine, from the first moment I saw you and now I finally can, because...” Tears fell down her cheeks and she let them, not tearing her eyes away from Delphine. “I'm really going to be okay.”

Delphine drew Cosima down into another kiss, full of passion, love and hope, and leaned their foreheads together when they pulled away. “Do you think Alison is bikini ready now?” She smirked. “Because _now_ , we are going on that vacation.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking for a new beta or two for my next trip! I have 4 chapters down and it WILL NOT be anywhere near this long. I hope! And it is very slow going. Think my mind wants a little break for a bit, but I will need someone to edit! I'd love to use someone who was with me through this trip, if possible ;)


	49. Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so late. I'm super sick and have a toddler and life has been crazy, but alas...THE EPILOGUE! I hope you all enjoy it and feel it has done this story justice. It was quite the trip. Thank-you so much for all sticking with me. I hope to be back writing sometime soon, but it seems the writing bug has buggered off for the time being. That or I just need a break. As I said, I have a toddler so writing this took up nearly all my free time for a few months so it is nice to be able to watch tv or something ;) But I loved it all. Thank you to everyone!

Sarah looked around the room, balancing the cardboard box she was holding on her hip. “You two had a good couple of years here, yeah?”

“We all did,” Delphine smiled sadly. “But it was always the plan for you to have it.”

“Yeah, I know. I just don't like the idea of taking your home.”

Delphine smiled, putting her hand reassuringly on Sarah's forearm. “It isn't home anymore.” A tear slid down her cheek as she remembered the five amazing years she and Cosima shared while living within these walls. Bringing Cosima back home after her cure started working and spending three months getting her back to optimal health, the wonderful vacation they all took after that and the month after she and Cosima had stayed by themselves after everyone left, Cosima accepting a real position at DYAD and transferring to the University of Toronto to finish her PhD, all the crazy science they made, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, vacations, the wedding of their dreams a year after Cosima was fully healed.

Delphine smiled, remembering the series of wedding photographs that had once hung on the wall in front of her. It had been perfect. At dusk by that frozen pond in the park Delphine had taken Cosima to for their first real date. Though in July it was just water, no ice. They stood in the grass in front of it, in thin, strappy sandals, the whole area lit up with twinkling white lights. Neither of them wore white, exactly. Delphine wore an off-white dress that Alison hand-stitched violet flowers around the bottom of the skirt and on the sleeves, and Cosima wore a violet dress that her sister insisted on stitching off-white flowers around to match. She let her. They both could have been wearing potato sacks for all she cared. Her nieces carefully wove flowers into their hair. Delphine's had been left mostly down, with the sides twisting around and coming together tied with a ribbon. Cosima's hair was _finally_ back in dreads and were in a lovely French braid as they weren't quite long enough yet to pile high up in a ponytail or bun as they once had been, and Delphine had never seen her look more beautiful.

They honeymooned in a variety of places. Took nine weeks and combined their bucket list cities, taking the top two from each of their lists. There had been a series of pictures from that too. A selfie in front of an Egyptian pyramid, them sharing a laugh holding a koala in Australia, on safari in Tanzania, kissing underneath a cherry blossom tree in Japan...so many memories all over these walls. A tear slowly made its way down Delphine's cheek, unchecked.

“I'm sorry you're losing your home Delphine.”

Delphine smiled wistfully twirling her rings around on her left ring finger. “Lot of good memories here, but it's not home anymore.”

A loud crash outside drew the duo back to the present and they shared a knowing look. “That wife of yours is trouble,” Sarah joked.

Delphine shook her head. “You don't have to tell me.”

" _Delphine!_ ”

Delphine and Sarah were already out the door. “Coming ma chérie.” Everything they just spent the past forty-five minutes neatly packing along the sides of the moving truck was now covering the bottom floor of the truck and all over the ground in front of it. “Seriously?”

Cosima peeked her head out from behind a box with a sheepish look on her face. “Sorry. It was her fault.”

Delphine carefully stepped into the truck and made her way to her wife, gently placing her hands on either side of her extremely swollen belly. “Ne laisse pas ta Mommy dire que ce genre de choses est de ta faute. Tu ne pourrais jamais rien faire de mal.” **(Don't let your Mommy say that kind of thing is your fault. You could never do anything wrong.)**

“I hope none of that was breakable,” Sarah said behind them.

“Non,” Delphine chuckled, kissing Cosima's belly and standing up, but keeping a hand where it was as their daughter repeatedly kicked her palm. “I know better than to leave Cosima around anything breakable right now.”

“Hey!” Cosima protested. “I'm, like, twenty seven months pregnant. It's _not_ my fault.”

“She's stubborn. Just like every woman in this family,” Sarah said with a smirk. “She'll come when she's good and ready. Kira was thirteen days late.”

“Don't tell me that,” Cosima groaned, letting her head fall forward onto Delphine's shoulder. Delphine in turn wrapped her arms around her ever-growing wife. “You still have three weeks until she's ready mon amour.”

“I'm ready now.” Cosima whined.

“But she,” Delphine stated with a kiss. “Is not.” The doctor tried to show her wife every day how much she appreciated her doing this for them. This was a dream two years in the making. Cosima had been adamant about not wanting to use her own eggs for their child. As much as doctors, Delphine, Scott, and her own research told Cosima the disease she had wasn't genetic, that it was just _“one of those things that happens”_ , she didn't want to risk it. So Delphine agreed to carry. They spent so many hours searching different sperm banks and clinics across the country and the United States looking for the perfect donor, and did they ever find him! He was Cosima in male form; hazel eyes, dark wavy hair, olive-y complexion, Irish, an amazing analytical mind even if his PhD was in applied mathematics rather than anything science related, and a personality that was described as _‘flirty’_ and _'cheeky.'_

After a year of trying, including three rounds of IVF, Delphine was pregnant! They told everyone right away. Everything looked great. Delphine was nauseous and there was an ever so slight swell to her lower belly neither woman could keep their hands off of. They heard the baby's heartbeat, saw his little arms and legs, even caught some hiccups wracking the teeny tiny body. A day after eleven weeks into the pregnancy, just a few days before they were supposed to be considered in the _safe_ zone, Delphine woke-up in the middle of the night with excruciating cramps. They rushed to the hospital where they were told there was no heartbeat.

They were understandably devastated. They took a month to grieve for the baby they would never meet, a little boy their in vitro doctor told them. Then Delphine wanted to start trying again, but she couldn't bare the thought of physically feeling what she felt again. She knew realistically that each pregnancy had about a one in four chance of ending in a miscarriage and knew she wouldn’t be able to handle that again, emotionally or physically. They still had a couple of Delphine's frozen embryos, so Cosima agreed to carry and the first one stuck. Their little rainbow would soon be making her appearance into her parents eager arms.

“Company!”

Delphine smiled at Alison and released her wife. Cosima sighed. “I don't need a babysitter.”

“I know,” Delphine soothed. “But you can't do much lifting, so you and Alison are going to go have a spa day.” Delphine surprised her wife, pulling out two thick envelopes to their favorite spa. “On me.”

“Just because you're the hotshot CEO-”

“Co-hotshot,” Delphine corrected with a smirk to which her wife shot her a damn impressive evil eye. Delphine was the director of the DYAD Institute until Cosima finished her PhD, but after that she confessed that being the director didn't make her happy. She wanted to spend more time in the lab and do things that truly mattered. While Cosima was saddened to see the power suits go, together they founded the Cormier Foundation. Made possibly by liquidating one of Cosima's accounts she barely ever touched and generous grants from Carolyn and Thomas. They offered to give their parents actual positions within the foundation, vice presidents of sorts, but they preferred to be so in name only. The foundation was Delphine and Cosima's dream, a great labor of love. Their parents wanted them do this on their own so all their achievements were their and theirs alone. They deserved that. Of course their parents were well known in their respective fields, but that wasn't what caught people's attention. It was Cosima and Delphine themselves. They were a power couple in every sense of the word. A true scientific dream team.

Once Cosima had been cured and was back to her old self, they, along with Scott, published their research into _Cormier's Disease_ , the name of course at Cosima's insistence. Delphine argued against it. There were three of them primarily responsible, along with a great number of other people, but in Delphine's contract she had made it so the responsibility of naming the disease fell to Cosima.

_“Cosima-”_

_“Delphine, seriously, I don't want to hear it. You are the one who put this on my shoulders and this is what I want.” Rounding the desk she took her_ _fiancée_ _s hands in hers and softened. “Delphine, without you I never would have survived this. You saved my heart and soul as much as you did my disease-riddled body.”_

_“But Scott-”_

_“Scott is more of a behind-the-scenes guy. His name will still be attached to the research, the cure. He is totally cool with this.”_

_“You should name it after Siobhan. The cure came from her.”_

_“She doesn't want the credit anymore than Scott does. She gave me her blessing,” she dipped her head, catching Delphine's eyes. “Besides, soon we will be married and I'll be a Cormier too.”_

_Delphine smiled at that. The thought of marrying Cosima would always bring on that reaction. They'd talked, at length, about a lot of things during Cosima's recovery. If this disease had never happened, but Delphine and everything else had, Cosima probably wouldn't have taken Delphine's name. She wanted to establish herself in the scientific community as her own person and honor her father and mother. But dying changes everything. She realized she could still do all of that with Delphine's last name and she wanted nothing more than for everyone to see what the blonde meant to her. She wanted everyone to know how Delphine saved her. It was just a small thing she could do to show her appreciation. Besides, she argued that Cosima Cormier had a great ring to it._

Years later that research still had people talking. It was a no-win situation, but they found a way. They focused a lot of the Foundation's funds into stem cell research. Scott came to work for them, naturally, and the dream team was back together again. They were currently focusing on expanding Leekie's research into iPSCs and it was showing to have only been the tip of the iceberg. It opened so many doors to cures for so many things; cancer, infection, they even had a team working on seeing if they could be programmed to destroy fat cells. Of course that was purely cosmetic and not anywhere close to a priority, but it was fascinating and, if it worked, would bring in a nice profit. Not that they were concerned with that, but it would help fund more important projects.

They wanted to do something meaningful. They still continued to work on what Delphine was passionate about, the tough cases. Cases no one else would touch and, as such, involved very sick and desperate patients. With the deck already stacked against them before they even learned of the cases, they couldn't save everyone, but they did everything they could. No expenses were spared, no stone unturned and their subjects truly felt that someone was on their side.

At this point they had over 100 employees and were looking into expanding to a second location. It was the personal and professional lives they had always dreamed of.

“Doesn't mean you have to show off,” Cosima joked, taking the enveloped and giving her wife a hug. Well, as much of a hug as she could with her belly in the way.

“No,” Delphine agreed with a smile, tightening her arms around the two most important beings in her world. “But it means I can spoil my wife and daughter to be.”

Cosima smiled and brought their lips together, softly, sweetly, lovingly, but with an ever present hue of that pull that would always bring them together. “You're too good to us.”

Delphine smiled. “Go. You'll be there all day and hopefully when you're done we will be too and tonight we will spend the first night in our new home.”

* * *

“Did you finish the nursery?” Cosima panted, gritting her teeth as she tried to focus on her breathing.

“No. Nothing is finished, Cosima.” Delphine left out the part where she had had specific instructions not to do anything in the nursery until Cosima was there and they could do it together.

“Then she's not coming. Nope. Not today!” Cosima moaned in pain as another contraction hit. “Where is she going to sleep? A baby needs a bed!”

Delphine held Cosima's hand, not making a sound as surely all the bones in her fingers were crushed. “Breathe mon amour, breathe.”

Cosima locked eyes with Delphine and slowed her breathing to match the blonde's. When the contraction subsided she relaxed, taking long, slow sips through a straw in the cup of water Delphine held for her. “She is definitely your child.” Delphine raised an eyebrow. “Don't look at me like that, when have you known me to be three weeks early for anything?”

“You did want her out,” Delphine rationalized. She and Sarah, along with Siobhan, Beth, Helena, Donnie, Felix and Bobby, whom Cosima had become close with once again with her so near, had at least gotten everything out of the old place and into the new house. The boxes were more or less in the rooms they were supposed to be as well. She had been just about to open the box for the crib, just to get it out of the box, _not_ set it up as she had been told not to, when the phone rang and a panicked Alison told her Cosima was in labor.

_“She’s what?!” Delphine nearly shrieked._

“I changed my mind. It's too early. She's not ready.”

“Shhh,” Delphine soothed, climbing into the bed beside her wife and taking the scared woman in her arms. “She is ready.”

“But the nursery-”

“She will be in our room with us for a few months, at least. She doesn't need a nursery yet.” Siobhan took charge after the phone call, handing Delphine the hospital bags and shooing her out the door, so Delphine had her suspicions that when the three of them were discharged from the hospital that everything would be ready. “She will be fine.”

Cosima looked up at Delphine with tears in her eyes. “Promise?”

Delphine nodded, placing a soft kiss on Cosima's lips and further soothing her with a hand on her cheek. “I promise. Have I ever let anything bad happen to you?”

“Never,” Cosima said resolutely, but a moment later her chin quivered. “I'm scared.”

“Me too. But you can do this.”

“Not about the birth, although kinda wish they could knock me out and hand her to me when I wake-up like they did in the old days, but…” she sighed, absolute panic showing in her watery eyes. She gripped Delphine’s hand tighter, not because of a contraction, but to get herself to stop shaking. “Delphine I don’t know the first thing about being a mom. What if I’m, like, really bad? I’ve never been really maternal. What if I screw her up for life? What if she’s just crying and crying and crying and I can’t help her?”

Delphine resisted the urge to chuckle or joke about how it was a little late to be worrying about such things now. Sitting down in front of her wife, she took her face in her hands in a way she knew always calmed the brunette. “No one knows how to be a mother until it happens. Cosima, you are her mother and she will love you. The rest we will learn as we go along. There are so many people who already love her and who are more than happy to help us. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I cannot see how it would be possible for you to screw her up or be bad at being her mother. We are doing this together. I will always be right by your side.”

Cosima nodded, a smile playing on her lips as she fell into Delphine’s arms. “As long as you're with me I can do anything.”

Delphine smiled through tears. “Then let's have a baby.”

Cosima nodded and tried her best to smile as another contraction hit. “Preferably quickly.”

* * *

It did not go quickly, unfortunately. Twenty-five hours of labor, over an hour of pushing and a buttload-literally, of stitches later she was here. Screaming her little lungs out. All six pounds, two ounces and nineteen inches of her. They were both looking at her tiny face, wrapped in a pale purple blanket Alison made for her. Cosima twirled a curl around her finger. “Most caucasian babies are born with blue eyes, but she will probably have hazel.”

Delphine stared down at the tiny hand wrapped around her finger and nodded. “Probably.”

“Do you think her hair will change?” Cosima wondered out loud.

“Possibly.” Delphine’s hair had always been blonde, though it was more golden now, and Cosima’s and her sisters’ had always been dark, so it was possible her hair would stay this color. Though she also knew a lot of people whose hair was a completely different color from when they were infants.

Cosima sighed back into Delphine's arms and gave her wife's cheek a quick peck. “She's so beautiful.”

Even though there was no genetic link between Cosima and the baby, she already looked to be the perfect mix of the two of them. Her hair color was hard to peg down. It looked to be a light, almost honey caramel color, full golden highlights. She had a tiny little congenital nevi on the apple of her left cheek that matched the one Cosima had on her right, and already they could tell she had the shape of Delphine’s eyes, eyebrows, her nose and lips. And she was _loud,_ which Delphine was adamant she inherited from Cosima during her time in the womb. Ten little fingers and ten little toes and absolutely perfect, and yes, they’d counted.

Cosima sat there in her wife's arms with their daughter nursing in hers and thought back to the past decade of her life and how everything had changed. This was so not where she thought she would be right now, but she couldn't imagine being anywhere else. She had an amazing family, a wonderful wife she could never come close to thanking for all that she had done, a career she loved where she got to do meaningful things each and everyday and now the perfect little girl.

Delphine was thinking things along the same lines. How boring her life seemed before Cosima. The brunette turned every single thing Delphine thought she knew upside down, but she wouldn't go back and change a thing. Without every painful moment they went through they wouldn't be here in this moment. “Je t'aime.”

Cosima smiled and turned so she could properly kiss Delphine. When they pulled away they leaned their foreheads together in a way that meant so much to them. “I love you too.”

“Knock knock. Hope we're not interrupting,” Beth asked, poking her head in the door. Seeing Cosima was nursing, she asked, “Is it okay to come in?”

The new mothers looked up at the door and smiled, ushering everyone in. The little one must have known her family was coming to see her because as they came into the room she decided she was finished eating. They'd had a baby shower a few weeks ago. Small, beautiful, in Alison's backyard, but even so everyone came carrying gifts. Even Sarah, in her leather jacket and aviator sunglasses came in with a big teddy bear and Kira, Gemma and Oscar had a mess of balloons each. Helena, of course, came bearing cake and Cosima could kiss her right now if she wasn’t too exhausted for the effort. Blissfully happy, but exhausted. Scott, bless him, had a little monkey in his hand that looked like it was made out of the periodic table.

“Wow, guys, she is absolutely gorgeous.” Alison cooed at the newborn, elbowing Felix beside her to look. He already had, and was looking away to save face and wipe his tears before anyone saw.

“She is very beautiful, sestras,” Helena smiled. “I like her hairs.” Delphine had been bald as a baby, no more than a few platinum hairs on her head until she was a toddler, but the baby was born with a full head of thick curls.

“What's her name, loves?” Siobhan asked.

Cosima smiled brightly up at Delphine as the blonde stood and leaned down for a kiss. She handed the purple bundle to Delphine. Carefully the new mom walked around to the other side of the bed and put the sleeping baby in the matriarch of their little mis-matched family's arms, her eyes never leaving the little girl's face. “Her name is Charlotte.”

Delphine felt a pang deep in her chest as she watched Siobhan with her granddaughter. Charlotte would have two grandmothers, but neither of them would be Delphine's mother. Sadly, she hadn't been able to find it in her heart to accept her daughter. Delphine rarely gave the other woman any thought nowadays. She had the most incredible family she never thought she wanted; never knew she needed. They taught her that genetics had little to do with family. There were no better people on the planet than the ones around them right now. On the other hand, her father would be Charlotte's only grandfather and he was so excited. He'd flown over twice during Cosima's pregnancy and had retired, deciding he was now going to split his time between Toronto and Paris to be a part of his grandchild's life. He had this look of complete and total pride on his face whenever he spoke about the baby or he listened to Delphine talk about her. It was beautiful.

“It's French.” Cosima said with a smile. They spent hours and hours pouring over baby books looking for the right name. They wanted something that would be easily pronounced in both English and French. It technically meant _free man_ and Cosima loved it the second she saw it. Siobhan had freed them from their past, Delphine had freed her from her disease, she had freed Delphine from a life of loneliness, and she and Delphine had freed each other of everything that was no longer important. Together, they realized what truly mattered. Moments like this. “I'm gonna call her Charlie.”

The baby was passed around cooed over and smelled, “There really is nothing better than the smell of a new baby,” Bobby cried, smiling across the room at her wife, Candace. They’d gotten married in a simple, yet beautiful, civil ceremony a year after moving to Toronto. Cosima knew the two both wanted children, but Bobby wanted them now whereas Candace wasn’t ready just yet. Bobby was hoping that with a new baby around it might stir something within her wife and at least get them talking about kids or a timeline. Cosima had already volunteered Charlie for her aunties to practice with before she was even born.

Sarah had the baby last and when she started to fuss handed her back to Cosima with a panicked look on her face. Sarah and Delphine had become very close over the years and it was within that bond of closeness that Sarah felt comfortable confessing earlier, when they were at the house before anyone else got there, that she and Cal were expecting monkey number two. It was very early. She hadn’t even told Cal yet, and she was petrified. A second baby had never been in her plans, but then again neither had one. Delphine was sure she would be a great mother the second time around. She was a completely different person from who she was when she had Kira.

Cosima held the baby to her chest and immediately calmed her. Unfortunately Cosima's mother wouldn't be able to meet her new grandchild for at least a week or so. She was off, unreachable, on a dig somewhere. _“One last adventure before I'm a grandma!”_

Cosima took Delphine's hand and met her glassy eyes then looked around the room. All of them were so completely different with different stories to tell. She wanted her daughter to hear them all. Hear all about her aunts and uncles, her grandmothers and grandfather, her cousins, her moms and how all of them got to be who they were. It was important that they told her all about Cosima's illness and how that ultimately brought them together so that she could see how important it was that she never waste a single day because you never know when it's going to be your last. There was a delicate balance the new moms had perfected of living in the moment, of drinking in each and every moment they experienced, and working toward the future, but they'd figured it out.

With a soft kiss over a mass of curls she chuckled. “Boy do we have some stories for you, kid.”


End file.
